In which we see Henry’s underbite

Since yesterday was my friend Renee's birthday, I decided to call her while we were walking Tallulah. Renee lives in Hawaii (I know, right?) and there is a six-hour time difference.

Do you have any friends with a six-hour time difference? It is hideous. I'll think to call her on Saturday morning and it'll be 3 a.m. her time. Or she'll call me and I'll be just getting into REM. When we lived in LA she was my closest friend, and we called each other 940 times a day and now we have to get out blueprints and giant maps of the country and thumb tacks to call each other.

Anyway, I got her voice mail and sang Happy Birthday to her in my sexy Marilyn-Monroe-singing-to-Kennedy voice. "Happy biiiirrrrthday to youuuuu," I breathed. Tallulah looked back at me, concerned. "Happy BIRTHday toooo YOUUUUUUU…" at this point I don't know why the male neighbors weren't rushing out their doors to hump my hip.

"You know you sound like a ghost, right?" Marvin said.

Sigh.

In other news, I am growing worried about my across-the-street neighbor, because I am Gladys Kravitz. Or was it Crabbitz? Whatever. You know who I mean. Unless you are my cousin Katie, who never knows about anything from before she was born. I mean, who doesn't know about Bewitched? No matter when you were born?

My neighbor is single and works nights. I think she is some kind of nurse. Unlike my other neighbors, who I talk to and am kind of friends with, she and I just wave at each other. But when I worked from home, I'd see her come in from work about 9:30 a.m. with bags of fast food and I'd think, "That's not good. You're gonna eat fast food then go to bed?"

Because you all know what a health nut I am. With the salads and the balanced meals. And the cooking and the meal planning. And the low sodium and lack of sugar. Did I tell you I am already friends with the vending machine lady at work, and she has stocked extra blueberry Pop Tarts for me?

I just saw her now as I am typing and she (my neighbor, not the vending machine lady) looks considerably heavier. I worry that her job is stressful, and maybe she's lonely, and would it kill her to eat a little better? There are all sorts of studies about how the night shift is bad for people. And all this is totally any of my business.

Maybe I need to go over there and take her a Pop Tart.

And finally, Faithful Reader Paula H&B was irked that I never mentioned the pajama survey yesterday, and it would seem most of you wear yours two or three times, which is what I do and I wondered if everyone just wore theirs once and I was disgusting.

And I know I just said "finally," but you know how Henry keeps looking for his phantom toy in the closet? He just jumped up here playing with this.

Sadhen
It is a tiny square of styrofoamy paper. Now that is sad. Maybe I do need to get him that dangle toy again.

P.S. (Who has no concept of the word "finally"?) Book club! Sunday! 7 p.m. Eastern time! The book is Breakfast with Buddha! I need to have exclamation points!

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Author: June

At one point, I was sort of hot, in a "she's 27 and probably a 7" kind of a way. Now I'm old and have to develop a charming personality. Guess how that's going.

43 thoughts on “In which we see Henry’s underbite”

  1. OMG. I just realized I misunderstood the pajama question. I thought you were asking IF we wore them and IF so how many times a week did we wear them. Not how many days do we were them before they get all skanky and have to go into the wash. I feel all nekkid now.

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  2. I just wanted to say Duffy Lou, I loved your poem yesterday in the comments. By the time I got there, though, it was too late and I knew no one was reading. So, here’s me, saying I loved the poem.
    I have a friend who lives in Argentina. I have no idea the difference in the hours. All I know is he tries to iChat with me in the middle of the day here, when I’m in my jammies and I’ve got bed head hair. I really hate that. But I’m not sure if that even has to do with the time difference.
    (Did you see what I did there, June? I remembered the first topic AND I brought up an old post. Sounds like there should be some cupcake floss for me.)
    I don’t think you should have a fast food intervention, either. No one wants to hear that. She may or may not be a nurse, so she knows what she’s supposed to be eating, she just doesn’t want to eat that way.

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  3. I think offering your neighbor some blueberry Pop Tarts would be very nice. They have fruit in them which makes them healthy.

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  4. You know what I think you should offer your neighbor?
    SEX AND BOOZE!
    F*CK YEAH.

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  5. Geez, Joann…as if Hulk isn’t having a rough time of it already you have to go and break-out the latin lover? Have a heart my friend.
    A definite “no” on talking to the neighbor about her extra padding – just put the Jillian Michaels DVD in the mailbox.

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  6. Just got back from vacation. My bags are not yet unpacked, the laundry is not done, and there is no food in the house. So what did I spend the first hour of my morning doing? Catching up with my BBP friends, of course!
    So, pajamas – every 2-3 days unless I clean in them or spend the whole day in them. I love that other readers clean in their pajamas too. It’s so practical.
    Underwear – change every morning, and again at night if I feel like it. I also love to sleep in clean socks, so I wear a new pair to bed almost every night.
    Pot – I’ve never been interested in feeling out of control, so I have not dabbled at all. Same goes for booze, but I’ve only rarely been known to turn down the other half of Hulk’s new tag line. Very interested to experiment with the sleeping commando thing, since hubby’s drive and mine are rarely in sync. I doubt that he will see it as an invitation – he’ll probably be all practical and want me to make sure I have a robe nearby in case of a fire.

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  7. I am also a Gladys Kravitz. I even have binoculars. For bird watching. Yeah, that’s what they’re for.
    Go buy Henry a couple of toys. Sprinkle cat toys all over. Hither and yon. They all end up under the piece of furniture that you can’t move by yourself anyway.
    Sex and Booze!

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  8. I am also a Gladys Kravitz. I even have binoculars. For bird watching. Yeah, that’s what they’re for.
    Go buy Henry a couple of toys. Sprinkle cat toys all over. Hither and yon. They all end up under the piece of furniture that you can’t move by yourself anyway.
    Sex and Booze!

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  9. I am also a Gladys Kravitz. I even have binoculars. For bird watching. Yeah, that’s what they’re for.
    Go buy Henry a couple of toys. Sprinkle cat toys all over. Hither and yon. They all end up under the piece of furniture that you can’t move by yourself anyway.
    Sex and Booze!

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  10. Oh June, you’ve turned Henry into the cat equivalent of sad Victorian orphans in movies who only have an old tyre and a stick to play with. He needs his toy back!
    Also I love the suggestion of sliding your neighbour the 30 day shred DVD through her letterbox. I double dare ya to do it.

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  11. The time difference thing … my mom could NEVER understand it when we lived in Germany. Dear Lord, she would call at 2 AM my time and be all apologetic yet still keep talking.
    How can anyone not know Bewitched??? What a great show. To this day I wish I could wiggle my nose and have my house cleaned up immediately.

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  12. A few weeks ago, I was in Target buying supplies for our family beach vacation and decided to go down the book aisle to get a good beach read.
    As I’m scanning the shelves, I see a title that is vaguely familiar, like I had heard good reviews or someone I knew was reading it, etc. And then it clicked…it was your book club selection! I snatched it up, so proud of myself that I was going to actually be able to read this book on time and participate in the discussion!
    I ran home (not literally…I’m too fat for that) and jumped on the blog (not literally, ’cause…well…) to see when my deadline was.
    Turns out?
    I had picked up A Reliable Wife. Which, of course, you had already read and reviewed, and you had moved on to Breakfast with Buddha.
    Who felt stupid? Was it me?
    Anyway, I went ahead and took it with me on our vacay, and every time Sugar Daddy saw me reading it, he’d say, “So, are you learning anything?”
    If he only knew…

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  13. First, Hulkie: SEX AND BOOZE!!
    Second, poor Henry. Pitiful. A little square of styrofoamy paper as a toy? Seriously, June. That’s kitty abuse right there! I’m ordering him some toys pronto!

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  14. Yesterday I got a couple burgers from Burgerville, and as I was driving downtown to pick up my husband, I tasted something funny in the burger. It wasn’t totally foreign, but I couldn’t put my finger on it.
    It was celery. It’s been so long since I’ve had celery that I had to sit there for a good 4 minutes trying to figure out what it was.
    Maybe I should go hang out with your neighbor.

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  15. Bewitched is my #1 favorite show of all time. But only seasons 2-5, because after Darrin #1 left the show it totally lost its mojo. Maybe it just needed SEX & BOOZE! F*CK YEAH!
    As for the neighbor, if she’s partaking in the fast food, the food isn’t the issue. Fast food = depression and overwhlem. I say gather a little bouquet of wild flowers and leave it on her doorstep with a nice little note letting her know you see her coming home really early and hope these cheer her day.

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  16. Bewitched is my #1 favorite show of all time. But only seasons 2-5, because after Darrin #1 left the show it totally lost its mojo. Maybe it just needed SEX & BOOZE! F*CK YEAH!
    As for the neighbor, if she’s partaking in the fast food, the food isn’t the issue. Fast food = depression and overwhlem. I say gather a little bouquet of wild flowers and leave it on her doorstep with a nice little note letting her know you see her coming home really early and hope these cheer her day.

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  17. Bewitched is my #1 favorite show of all time. But only seasons 2-5, because after Darrin #1 left the show it totally lost its mojo. Maybe it just needed SEX & BOOZE! F*CK YEAH!
    As for the neighbor, if she’s partaking in the fast food, the food isn’t the issue. Fast food = depression and overwhlem. I say gather a little bouquet of wild flowers and leave it on her doorstep with a nice little note letting her know you see her coming home really early and hope these cheer her day.

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  18. Who puts CELERY on a hamburger? That’s just Un-American is what that is. Not to mention plain old WRONG. Celery. On a burger. This is why the country is going to Aytch Ee El El.
    I don’t even own a pair of pajamas so I can’t participate in that survey.
    As for the wacky weed, yes, I did inhale. Many, many times. When I was in high school, my parents would be right there with us, saying “Don’t bogart that joint.” Yeah, my parents weren’t exactly role models.
    I don’t partake of the marijuana any longer. It stopped being fun years ago along with all the other recreational chemicals from my Glorious Misspent Youth.

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  19. Poor Henry! Since I just lost my orange and white kitty 2 weeks ago (we think coyote) then he should come live with me and I’ll lavish him with undivided attention and all the cat nip and dangly cat toys he can handle.

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  20. Celery on a burger? That is just so wrong, I can’t even comprehend it.
    Hulk, my friend is actually a single, hot attorney who looks like Dermot Mulroney, (the dude Julia Roberts was in love with in My Best Friend’s Wedding). But don’t be jealous. He and my beautiful single sister have had an on again/off again relationship for years. He has no interest in SEX&BOOZE F**CK YEAH! with me, especially since he sees me in my bed head state of beauty every dang time he calls for an iChat.
    I like the idea of a bouquet of wildflowers for your neighbor or just even a card or maybe Marvin can ring the doorbell and start singing her one his songs, when she opens the door. That sure would be cheery.

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  21. Geez…when I first started reading that I thought you were trying to set ME up!
    Hulk practices live and let live to be sure, but is NOT about to “switch teams”.
    F*uck no.

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  22. Our neighborhood Gladys Kravits lives next door. He’s always glancing sideways to see if I’m me or someone else. I swear he doesn’t know who lives here now. I went on a diet and lost 25# over six weeks. I started going out of the house more and doing yard work because my back felt better without the added weight.
    A two week hospital stay and I came home ten pounds heavier. Now I’m on a new medication and I’ve gained back 22 of those lost 25#. It’s very depressing.
    Dear God please, please do not bring more attention to the fact that she has packed on the pounds. I guarantee she knows she’s plumper.
    It sounds like Henry will have oodles of play things from which to choose.

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  23. I enjoyed Breakfast with Buddha. I read it pretty quickly and mailed it to my mom to read who lives in Montana.
    i think striking up a conversation with fast food neighbor soon would be good idea and then compare the poptart to the bag of junk. I enjoyed reading your blog!

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  24. You know, some day Henry will be too old and won’t want to play with toys anymore. Or he will move out, find himself some kitty to hook up with, and then have kittens of his own. He will buy them toys and tell them, I want you to have everything I never did.
    Think about that next time you drive by Pet Smart or walk past the cat toy aisle at The Target.
    Or perhaps lady across the street will give him some of her McMuffin and a toy…
    You get my point.

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  25. “Give him some of her McMuffin”??? oh wait. I get what you’re saying.

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  26. Juuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuunnne. Go out to your kitchen, get the aluminum foil. Tear off a length of I DON’T KNOW, squarish with the size of the box. GOD, like this is precision work. Now ball it up tightly and toss in the direction of the orange cat. VOILA! Toy for Henry.
    My boys have zillions of toys but love the foil ball the best. They have rousing games of knock-hockey all down the hallway.

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  27. Juuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuunnne. Go out to your kitchen, get the aluminum foil. Tear off a length of I DON’T KNOW, squarish with the size of the box. GOD, like this is precision work. Now ball it up tightly and toss in the direction of the orange cat. VOILA! Toy for Henry.
    My boys have zillions of toys but love the foil ball the best. They have rousing games of knock-hockey all down the hallway.

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  28. Juuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuunnne. Go out to your kitchen, get the aluminum foil. Tear off a length of I DON’T KNOW, squarish with the size of the box. GOD, like this is precision work. Now ball it up tightly and toss in the direction of the orange cat. VOILA! Toy for Henry.
    My boys have zillions of toys but love the foil ball the best. They have rousing games of knock-hockey all down the hallway.

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  29. I know, I know, I don’t get the celery either. I had two cheeseburgers from there (they’re small I promise! I was really hungry!! LAY OFF) and I only tasted the celery in one bite. I’m sure it was a mistake on their part. But it made me go “hmm…” thinking how little I eat of vegetables. As I shoved more fries in my mouth.
    Sex and booze?

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  30. Hi! I’m a faithful reader but have never commented before! I just wanted to say that I’m a night shift nurse and I’m single and I frequently get fast food on my way home from work! It makes me VERY happy to get a chick-fil-a chicken biscuit or a whataburger taquito to end a crazy shift! There’s nothing to be worried about!!!!

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