Those were the guttural sounds Tallulah made at 5:39 this morning to let me know she wasn't feeling so fresh, and was indeed severely regretting eating that cheese wrapper, a thing I had TOLD her she'd regret at 10:30 last night. But no. At 10:30 last night, it seemed like the best plan ever, as she cheerfully ran from me and smiled as it went down her ludicrous gullet.
I was so irritated. I threw the sheets off and struggled to the back door, blind and still dreaming. When she came back, I had to stand behind her and rub her swoop in a clockwise direction, hunched over her in the hallway while she licked her lips and acted like she was gonna be sick on her stomach, as they say here.
Finally she got back into bed, where Marvin could not have been happily and obliviously sawing more logs. Unfortunately, Tallulah fell onto my feet and sighed, making it so I had to sleep in the middle of the bed, with no pillow or blanket, because it was obvious she was not gonna be happy unless her jaw remained where it was.
And that, my friends, is why Lu and I woke up at 10:30 today, and what am I, 22 and hung over? She is still not fresh, and it makes me think maybe she has allergies and not cheese-wrapper illness, because she is scratching and licking and oh who knows what's wrong with that dog.
Anyway, Marvin was outside when we woke up, and all you could hear were the cicadas and the sound of some cat jumping down from something, and I thought about how I like it when it's quiet. My grandmother, who had four brothers and sisters and five kids, used to say, "Isn't it so sad and quiet?" but I never feel that way. When it's loud I get discombobulated.
But that is not why I gathered you all here today. I know today is book club day and I hadn't planned to write anything till 7 o'clock tonight when we talk about Breakfast with Buddha, but I met a puppy yesterday and I told her mom I'd post pictures of her dog today, forgetting today was book club, and I didn't want her to check here and think I was a liar, so I'll do a whole post and show you pictures of Ruth. (And also show you run-on sentences.) Who I love. Ruth, not run-on sentences. Love love love love love. I'll bet Ruth never eats cheese wrappers.
So I got together with my friend The Other June yesterday
to go to Reynolda House, which is one of the many mansions around here that are a result of cigarette money. Go, lung cancer!
By the way, Other June hates having her photo taken, and for those of you paying attention, this is only the second time I have been allowed to show her actual face on my blog. And look, she had such a nice face. It's like we are having a unicorn sighting, here, with this opportunity.
I told Other June I'd pick her up, because I wanted to see her dog Gidget. Gidget is the kind of dog you can have in your unfenced yard without a leash, and she'll just lope behind you all day. I have the kind of dog who you'd never see again the second that leash was off.
When I was taking Gidget's picture, Other June's fiance, Ray, wondered why he could not be featured in my blog, so here he is, with the pond he built. Ray totally rocks. You could not ask for a nicer guy. Plus he builds a good pond.
Anyway, we went to Reynolda House, which you may have figured out was the house of the Reynolds Tobacco people (yay, mouth cancer!). It not only has a lovely house-turned-museum, it also has gardens and many shops, which used to be the houses all the workers lived in. The workers who worked for the Reynoldses (esophageal cancer is the bomb!).
I know I should not go to tobacco mansions, seeing as almost everyone in my family drops dead of the smoking-related deaths. But they're so PRETTY. I mean, do my loved ones have to boycott narcissus bouquets because of me? No.
When I saw this, I had deep thoughts about youth and aging, but I've forgotten what they are because I am old and addled. Your name again is…?
We went to all the little overpriced boutiques and galleries, and I posed in this…this…crap. Vestibule? Rotunda? Gorgonzola? What the hell is this called? It's the thing Shirley MacLaine and Jack Nicholson sit in in Terms of Endearment when he says, "I don't want to blow smoke up your ass" and she says, "What a relief," which is one of my favorite parts of that movie.
I know you all know what it's called and you're screaming it at the screen.
I bought some reading glasses for $18, in case you didn't know.
There was even a dog bakery, but Tallulah is on a diet, so I got her this mint-flavored rope toy instead of a $40 cookie. For heaven's sake, no one tell her. Anyway, she would have preferred a $40 cheese wrapper.
We also got ice cream and went to lunch, in that order, and walked in the woods, and then you know what? It was 3 p.m. The museum in the actual house closed at 4:30. We had fooled around so much on the grounds that there really wasn't time to properly see the, you know REYNOLDA HOUSE.
God, did I need a cigarette.
So we decided to drive into town and get some coffee at this place we knew had one of the Art-O-Mat machines you know I love.
This happened to be the same place where my drag queen contest was gonna be held. I could have bought Art-O-Mat while dressed as a drag queen. I'm sorry, it does not get any better unless Barry Gibb becomes a barrista.
I was all excited about my Art-O-Mat purchase and getting hepped up on the coffee and talking to the Other June when I saw outside on the screened-in-porch part of the coffee shop TWO WIGGLY LITTLE TAILS.
"PUPPIES!" I said, not unlike Cruella.
Naturally we had to stampede out there.
And that is when I met Ruth. She was also out there with an Italian Greyhound puppy, and have you ever tried to photograph an Italian Greyhound puppy? First of all they're too small to be filmed and second of all they never sit still. Ever.
But look at Ruth. Look at the heart on her head. She is only four months old and look how good. And guess what. GUESS WHAT? They found her, along with three other puppies, IN A BOX ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD. Who is mad she didn't find the box first? Who would have snatched up Ruth and divorced Marvin if he'd even TRIED to say we couldn't keep her?
I know you're going to be irritated with me, but Ruth reminds me of Tallulah. Everything reminds me of Tallulah. And I got so excited I spilled my coffee all over Ruth's dad's shoe. I'm certain they were delighted to meet me. Ruth's parents own this chocolate store. Do you think they are going to send me a big box with an invitation to come spill more coffee on them in the future?
Oh, and when I spilled the coffee? The Italian Greyhound puppy STARTED DRINKING IT. Which was just what it needed. Because it wasn't excited enough.
So that was my day at Reynolda House. Emphysema rocks!
I will see you all tonight at 7:00 Eastern time. And that does not mean "wander in here at 8:00 and wonder where everybody went." I do not wish to hover here like a spider for hours on end. This chair is not that comfy. I guess that's not very Buddhist of me, but whatever.
See you then.