Tabaccky

"Rrrrrggggmmm!" "RRRRRRGGGMMMM!!"

Those were the guttural sounds Tallulah made at 5:39 this morning to let me know she wasn't feeling so fresh, and was indeed severely regretting eating that cheese wrapper, a thing I had TOLD her she'd regret at 10:30 last night. But no. At 10:30 last night, it seemed like the best plan ever, as she cheerfully ran from me and smiled as it went down her ludicrous gullet.

"GGRRRRRRRRRMMM!"

I was so irritated. I threw the sheets off and struggled to the back door, blind and still dreaming. When she came back, I had to stand behind her and rub her swoop in a clockwise direction, hunched over her in the hallway while she licked her lips and acted like she was gonna be sick on her stomach, as they say here.

Finally she got back into bed, where Marvin could not have been happily and obliviously sawing more logs. Unfortunately, Tallulah fell onto my feet and sighed, making it so I had to sleep in the middle of the bed, with no pillow or blanket, because it was obvious she was not gonna be happy unless her jaw remained where it was.

And that, my friends, is why Lu and I woke up at 10:30 today, and what am I, 22 and hung over? She is still not fresh, and it makes me think maybe she has allergies and not cheese-wrapper illness, because she is scratching and licking and oh who knows what's wrong with that dog.

Anyway, Marvin was outside when we woke up, and all you could hear were the cicadas and the sound of some cat jumping down from something, and I thought about how I like it when it's quiet. My grandmother, who had four brothers and sisters and five kids, used to say, "Isn't it so sad and quiet?" but I never feel that way. When it's loud I get discombobulated.

But that is not why I gathered you all here today. I know today is book club day and I hadn't planned to write anything till 7 o'clock tonight when we talk about Breakfast with Buddha, but I met a puppy yesterday and I told her mom I'd post pictures of her dog today, forgetting today was book club, and I didn't want her to check here and think I was a liar, so I'll do a whole post and show you pictures of Ruth. (And also show you run-on sentences.) Who I love. Ruth, not run-on sentences. Love love love love love. I'll bet Ruth never eats cheese wrappers.

So I got together with my friend The Other June yesterday

Otherjune

to go to Reynolda House, which is one of the many mansions around here that are a result of cigarette money. Go, lung cancer!

By the way, Other June hates having her photo taken, and for those of you paying attention, this is only the second time I have been allowed to show her actual face on my blog. And look, she had such a nice face. It's like we are having a unicorn sighting, here, with this opportunity.

Gidgetkisskisskisskiss 

I told Other June I'd pick her up, because I wanted to see her dog Gidget. Gidget is the kind of dog you can have in your unfenced yard without a leash, and she'll just lope behind you all day. I have the kind of dog who you'd never see again the second that leash was off.

Ray
When I was taking Gidget's picture, Other June's fiance, Ray, wondered why he could not be featured in my blog, so here he is, with the pond he built. Ray totally rocks. You could not ask for a nicer guy. Plus he builds a good pond.

Anyway, we went to Reynolda House, which you may have figured out was the house of the Reynolds Tobacco people (yay, mouth cancer!). It not only has a lovely house-turned-museum, it also has gardens and many shops, which used to be the houses all the workers lived in. The workers who worked for the Reynoldses (esophageal cancer is the bomb!).

I know I should not go to tobacco mansions, seeing as almost everyone in my family drops dead of the smoking-related deaths. But they're so PRETTY. I mean, do my loved ones have to boycott narcissus bouquets because of me? No.

Flutterbye
So we toured the gardens, and by the way whenever I see a butterfly I think it's my grandmother, which is a long story but she did die of lung cancer. She smoked like a chimney. Hi, gramma!

Oldnyoung

When I saw this, I had deep thoughts about youth and aging, but I've forgotten what they are because I am old and addled. Your name again is…?

Juneinthingie
We went to all the little overpriced boutiques and galleries, and I posed in this…this…crap. Vestibule? Rotunda? Gorgonzola? What the hell is this called? It's the thing Shirley MacLaine and Jack Nicholson sit in in Terms of Endearment when he says, "I don't want to blow smoke up your ass" and she says, "What a relief," which is one of my favorite parts of that movie.

I know you all know what it's called and you're screaming it at the screen.

Icu

I bought some reading glasses for $18, in case you didn't know.

Dogtoy

There was even a dog bakery, but Tallulah is on a diet, so I got her this mint-flavored rope toy instead of a $40 cookie. For heaven's sake, no one tell her. Anyway, she would have preferred a $40 cheese wrapper.

We also got ice cream and went to lunch, in that order, and walked in the woods, and then you know what? It was 3 p.m. The museum in the actual house closed at 4:30. We had fooled around so much on the grounds that there really wasn't time to properly see the, you know REYNOLDA HOUSE.

God, did I need a cigarette.

So we decided to drive into town and get some coffee at this place we knew had one of the Art-O-Mat machines you know I love.

Artanditsomat
This happened to be the same place where my drag queen contest was gonna be held. I could have bought Art-O-Mat while dressed as a drag queen. I'm sorry, it does not get any better unless Barry Gibb becomes a barrista.

Peace
I was all excited about my Art-O-Mat purchase and getting hepped up on the coffee and talking to the Other June when I saw outside on the screened-in-porch part of the coffee shop TWO WIGGLY LITTLE TAILS.

"PUPPIES!" I said, not unlike Cruella.

Naturally we had to stampede out there.

Ruth
And that is when I met Ruth. She was also out there with an Italian Greyhound puppy, and have you ever tried to photograph an Italian Greyhound puppy? First of all they're too small to be filmed and second of all they never sit still. Ever.

But look at Ruth. Look at the heart on her head. She is only four months old and look how good. And guess what. GUESS WHAT? They found her, along with three other puppies, IN A BOX ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD. Who is mad she didn't find the box first? Who would have snatched up Ruth and divorced Marvin if he'd even TRIED to say we couldn't keep her?

Ruthandherbigbighead

I know you're going to be irritated with me, but Ruth reminds me of Tallulah. Everything reminds me of Tallulah. And I got so excited I spilled my coffee all over Ruth's dad's shoe. I'm certain they were delighted to meet me. Ruth's parents own this chocolate store. Do you think they are going to send me a big box with an invitation to come spill more coffee on them in the future?

Oh, and when I spilled the coffee? The Italian Greyhound puppy STARTED DRINKING IT. Which was just what it needed. Because it wasn't excited enough.

So that was my day at Reynolda House. Emphysema rocks!

I will see you all tonight at 7:00 Eastern time. And that does not mean "wander in here at 8:00 and wonder where everybody went." I do not wish to hover here like a spider for hours on end. This chair is not that comfy. I guess that's not very Buddhist of me, but whatever.

See you then.

34 thoughts on “Tabaccky

  1. Apparently I need new reading glasses since it looks like the tag on your new glasses says $15. Did you get any smokes with the glasses?
    People give me a hard time buying my coffee at BP, but I figure they need money to clean up the ding dang oily beaches.
    Love the puppies. Here’s hoping Lulah poops out the cheese wrapper soon. Hey, perhaps her poop will be wrapped up and you won’t have to carry the poop picker upper bag.

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  2. Put me firmly in the camp of “You need another dog” That one is so cute. Just get one, put it in a box on the side of the road, “find it” (don’t you love the unnecessary quotes) and tell Marvin.
    BTW I saw this, laughed, and immediately thought of you
    http://datingmyself.tumblr.com/

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  3. Whenever I see a ladybug I think it’s my mom.
    LOVE Ruth! Love her name…love her face. Gidget is cute too. Old dogs rock!

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  4. I mean, Marvin’s cute and all, but with a face like Ruth’s, I’d put Marvin in a box on the side of the road and keep the puppy.
    I must have Talullah on the brain because I just wrote puupy. Heh.

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  5. Did you ever see the movie Funny Farm where they get a dog and take it off the leash and never see it again because it just runs runs runs? (Talu.) And then they get another dog that does nothing, never moves, to the point where they have to use the tongs to get the dog’s tail out of the fireplace? (Not Talu.)

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  6. Did you ever see the movie Funny Farm where they get a dog and take it off the leash and never see it again because it just runs runs runs? (Talu.) And then they get another dog that does nothing, never moves, to the point where they have to use the tongs to get the dog’s tail out of the fireplace? (Not Talu.)

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  7. Did you ever see the movie Funny Farm where they get a dog and take it off the leash and never see it again because it just runs runs runs? (Talu.) And then they get another dog that does nothing, never moves, to the point where they have to use the tongs to get the dog’s tail out of the fireplace? (Not Talu.)

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  8. “Ray rocks.” And he’s standing next to rocks! Heeeeeee.
    GAZEBO.
    Also, I cleaned out my fridge today and found a ladybug. (Jill Munroe who thinks June needs a puppy, I hope your mom liked cold weather!)

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  9. “Ray rocks.” And he’s standing next to rocks! Heeeeeee.
    GAZEBO.
    Also, I cleaned out my fridge today and found a ladybug. (Jill Munroe who thinks June needs a puppy, I hope your mom liked cold weather!)

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  10. “Ray rocks.” And he’s standing next to rocks! Heeeeeee.
    GAZEBO.
    Also, I cleaned out my fridge today and found a ladybug. (Jill Munroe who thinks June needs a puppy, I hope your mom liked cold weather!)

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  11. I’m with Target Steve. I have my $.88 deep discount reading glasses on. I double checked the pic and that tag sure looks like it says $15. If you paid $18 it’s a good thing you bought the new glasses!
    Your eyes sure didn’t have any problems finding that adorableness that is Ruth. What did Ruth’s Daddy do with the other puppies?
    **Note** This is not advice just a comment from my own experience. I gave up caffeine a little while before you did. Or attempted to. I do drink diet caffeine free Pepsi and plain decaffeinated iced green tea. I know they are not completely free of caffeine. I must say during that time instead of 4 or 5 migraines per month I have only had 2 full blown migraines and 1 migraine that went away with my first dose of meds. I can’t tell you how big a difference this has made. Please understand I was a die hard diet Pepsi drinker. I had a dealer. I mainlined it straight into a catheter. I went through a 2 liter bottle a day plus a plain ice tea from McDonalds. Not drinking caffeine has made a huge difference with my migraines, I should say the lack of migraines, (knock wood), that I now have.

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  12. What, no toy for poor Henry? Is he still munching on the fake styrofoam paper?

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  13. It’s not a gazebo, it’s a pergola. Sheesh!
    Gidget reminds me of my late, lamented Lab, Lucy. I’d let Lucy out front and she’d just lounge on the front lawn. Without a leash, never once running off. When she was ready to come in, she’d knock on the screen door. I miss that dog.
    Ruth is so ding dang cute! I hate people who dump boxes of puppies at the side of the road. They need to be smited.

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  14. Kelly is right – I am sure it’s called a Pergola. And Ruth is a cutie but what I really want to know is this – what is the photo right above the photo of Ruth? Is it dog fur with a tag laying on it? Why can’t I figure that photo out?

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  15. Dogs and trash, whats the deal? Henry ate foil, I’m sure the wrapper won’t be as painful exiting as the foil.
    Other June has a nice smile and should be photographed more often. Any man that builds ponds is great in my book.
    Gazebo. Definitely.
    Ruth is adorable. Puppies being left on the side of the road in a box? I have a fear of running over stuff in the road because of people that do this. They should be shot.
    Funny Farm is hilarious and I could watch it over and over. Can’t remember the last book I read so you guys have fun. Think about that magazine club though. Love the glasses.

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  16. Gorgonzola! Whatever outdoor structure will only be called Gorgonzola from now on. I love you. You make me smile every day! I did not read the book but will be there tonight anyways, I am just a rebel like that. Later gater!

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  17. Whenever I hear a mourning dove, I think of my dad. Long story and I don’t feel like crying, so just that.
    That puppy is the absolute cutest. Love her heart! Love that her name is Ruth. Hate that she was in a box on the side of the road. What is wrong with people? Evidently, hating personal pronouns today, too.
    And Terms Of Endearment is one of my favorite, favorite movies of all time. I love this part of the movie best when Shirley and Jack are on their first date.
    Jack says: “You’re just going to have to trust me on this one thing. You need a lot of drinks.”
    Shirley: “To break the ice?”
    Jack:”To kill the bug you have up your ass!”
    That movie was just some kind of perfect.
    I won’t be there tonight, sorry guys. I’m up to my ears in other things right now.

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  18. Gazebo is a category of pavilion structure that includes pagoda and pergola, so you are all correct.
    I wish Ray would build a pond at my house. Other June looks nice, maybe she will loan him out?
    Saw my elderly neighbor yesterday, he has The Alzheimer’s. He was talking at me from across the street and I noticed several tubes sort of coming out of him? And he was holding a medical type bag. The bag was filling up with yellow liquid. OMG, he was making a funny with me while making a tee-tee!
    Marvin should totally build you a pavilion.

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  19. Love, love, love that puppy – what a face! And Other June has a lovely smile, what perfect teeth!!!
    My Polly seems all allergic right now, too -chewing her paws, her nether regions, scratching her ears, ugh. The vet mentioned the dreaded “food allergy” suggestion . . . I am hoping it is weather related. I also think she is bored. She needs a puppy.

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  20. Love Gidget and LOVE Ruth. I love old dogs as much as I love puppies. Nothing better than the calm of an older dog. Like my two munchkins. They are the BEST!
    What is Ruth? She looks like part St. Bernard???

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