Beauty products · I am berserk · June's stupid life · Marvin

A hodge and a podge. Hey, at least we all get to stop looking at my arse. Actually, that isn’t true.

You know those phony posts where I have eight million topics?

Yeah.

Okay, first of all, I was having a deeply intellectual evening recently, wherein I was smelling the perfume samples that came in a magazine. I said to Marvin, "Does this one smell like someone put bug spray on a Sweet Tart?"

Marvin, who is totally over me and the part where I think things smell like bug spray on a Sweet Tart, smelled the sample and said, "No, I'm really getting more lighter fluid on a King Don."

A King Don. Who kills me? Has he been in a basement since 1975? When is the last time you thought of Ding Dongs as King Dons?

166260571_8556fa3183

Marvin just walked in and saw this and wants me to be sure to clarify that Ding Dongs and King Dons were also Ring Dings, depending on where you grew up. Holy mother of God.

THEY'RE DING DONGS, OKAY? NOT RING DINGS. And certainly not King Dons. King Dons. Go, Marvin and his '70s references. Do you think he also wonders why I don't pull on my L'Eggs pantyhose every day?

L'eggs

You know, they have Sheer Energy.

By the way, I love how King Don has an All Rights Reserved R not only next to his name, but also next to his arse. THIS IS KING DON'S ARSE! DO NOT STEAL!

I don't know if you've looked recently but I think I stole King Don's arse since I started this food-centric job.

Jeans

I did just get some "boyfriend" jeans, though (see me pulling off the tag so I'm not like Minnie Pearl). Do you enjoy my phony quote marks? Do you enjoy how the world has tilted in a drunken fashion? We are on a very angled part of the globe. I don't even know how we don't fall off. Anyway, I said "boyfriend" because it is the new term of art for "loose." For "I am a fat-ass because all they do is feed me at my job so these 'boyfriend' jeans will give the illusion that I am thin. Even though if I keep eating this way I will never get a boyfriend for as long as I live."

I guess I never will get a boyfriend, due to the part where I am married. Darn, that's the end.

In other news, it has been a long time since I've worked in a high-rise, and I forgot how much I hate people who get on the elevator and TAKE IT ONE FLOOR. I mean, I know I just admitted to getting fat phat fat, but come ON. Today I watched a woman take the elevator down one floor SO SHE COULD SMOKE.

Irritating.

Oh, also? If you work in an office? You know what's pleasing? Get on the speaker phone and then be sure to scream into the phone so we can hear every nuance of your call. Because the rest of us have nothing better to do than hear BOTH YOU AND YOUR CALLER.

Did I have a blog when I worked with that funny guy named Dan in LA? He was hilarious. He brought a whoopee cushion to work, and he said, "Hey June. After lunch let's go ride the elevator, and I'll bring the whoopee cushion, and when it gets really crowded in there I'll lean back on it!"

On my way down the elevator on the way to lunch, just anTIcipating that we were gonna do that later, I got hysterical and started giggling in that uncontrollable way where everyone looks at you, and no one had any idea why I was convulsing and snorting and oh, I miss Dan.

Everybodyzzzz
Speaking of my cats, which we were not but did I not tell you we were gonna cover just everything today, my friend Pal from MA sent Henry some toys today, because I keep blogging about poor Henry needing to have something to play with, and how he keeps climbing the shelves in the closet looking for his old toy, and you all think I abuse and neglect Hen.

Sparkly

With his sparkly kitty fur.

But see, here is what happens to all his toys.

Henrytoy
Toy for Hen? Okay, Hen stop grimacing at you and play.

Play
Henry not know why he beaming up in these pictures. Not know why mom cannot take pictures. Where grandpa and his photo skillz? Why mom inherit nothing but grandpa George Washington hair? Why Henry not Pioneer Woman kitty? At least then we win award sometime.

Devilhead

Okay, seriously. She was fast asleep in her dog bed, but she KNEW Henry was having fun, and her devil head appeared in no time. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS, folks.

Lutoy!
Toy for Talu?

No, toy for Henry!

Grrrr…!

Okay, toy for Talu. Goodbye.

Lutaketoy
Yaymmmm, grrrrrrrrmmmmm, toy for Lu! Rowrrr, rowrrrr…

She takes everything. She eats all toys. This is why Henry is neglected in the toy dept.

Oh, don't feel bad for him. He has murdered two actual real mice outside this week and I watched him swoop a fly into his lips right in the living room this weekend. He stays amused.

I think that is all I had to tell you. Can you believe that? It was so brief. Did you want me to bring up another ludicrous memory from the '70s before I go?

1121

I totally had the green one. It was mint. I did not know I should be cool and get the red Strawberry Swirl like Kim Basinger.

67 thoughts on “A hodge and a podge. Hey, at least we all get to stop looking at my arse. Actually, that isn’t true.

  1. Hi June! Thanks for your comment today. I e-mailed Emily and said “June left a comment. My day is complete.” I rarely leave comments here because I do not feel witty enough to compete with your clever commenters. But let me just say that I have never heard of King Dons until I met my Michigan-raised husband. It was Ding Dongs where I came from. “King Don” seemed like such a random, awkward name for a snack cake. Glad to know it’s not lost on just me. : )

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  2. My husband is a truck driver for Hostess. The Ring Dings and Ding Dongs thing does get confusing. The company has changed hands several times, but those two products are the same item, having been sold under one name or the other depending on who owned the company at the time. My husband has brought home boxes of both Ring Dings and Ding Dongs, so I guess they’re both still being marketed. They all taste the same to me–chocolatey and waxy. Ick.

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  3. my mom wore l’eggs eggs and would save the eggd until she could give one to both me and my sister. i would get the 2 big halves and she got the 2 small halves AND WE WORE THEM AS FALSIES! my mother thought it was hilarious but she still wouldn’t let us wear them to church no matter how hard we begged!

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  4. I totally read “sweet-tart on Don King”, and was thinking that was a really weird thing to say. It wasn’t until I saw the photo I realized that my mind had transposed the words.

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  5. Anits, it was Love’s Baby Soft perfume and I think they still make it. Baby powder on steriods. I had this perfume called Blue Jeans that I totally loved, loved, loved and would wear today if they still made it. And all this reminds me of the Mary Kay makeup we used to spackle on our faces and then try to check and make sure we didn’t have the makeup “line” on our chins.
    Some of these memories…not so good!

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  6. Glad to see I’m not the only Lip Smacker smacker. What was the perfume called? Loves something or other. Why did that just pop in my head?
    Joann, I need proof those jeans are a miracle. Lets see a before and after picture.
    Ding Dongs, Ding a Lings, had me peeing! Oh and a frozen Ding Dong does sound good, ummmm.

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  7. Kissing Potion was so sticky!
    I had Bonnebell Lip Smackers – cherry or bubble gum, or both, can’t remember. But there was a Dr. Pepper flavor too!
    We totally shared with friends and never thought a thing about it, gross.
    We also shared hairbrushes and mascara.
    eeww

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  8. I LOVE Ding Dongs. I remember them being called King Dons, too, only vaguely. Yumm-o!

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  9. June .. dear .. you weren’t making coffee when that photo was taken were you? Just asking is all. :o)

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  10. Chemin de Fer. Oh Kelly, how I coveted those ding dang jeans! But my pre-pubescent ass wasn’t squeezin in a pair — I had lets see how shall we say it healthy “Italian” hips back in 6th grade and envied those Kristy McNichol types. Bitches. All of em.

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  11. One time, my family and I were invited to have lunch with an older couple from our church. They were only in their 60s I think. But I was like 10, so to me they were ancient. Plus they both had white hair, so to a 10 year old, white hair = near death.
    Anyway, they had a neat, old house, which we had visited before, but for some reason that day, it was really dark. Their usually perky, mint-green walls were looking dank and ominous. I remember just having a weird feeling, but I didn’t think too much of it at the time.
    So after lunch, my brother and I were getting bored while the adults carried on their conversations. They had kept some of their son’s old toys and my brother, who was 5 then, started playing with them.
    I ended up wandering around their house.
    Their Dark House.
    The next thing I knew I was in their Dark, Dank Kitchen, and the old man walked through their Creaky Swinging Kitchen Door, and leaned over close to my face and said really quietly with his Smoky Breath, “I have a ding-dong. Do you want it?”
    And I froze.
    Then my heart started racing and I started sweating, and I gulped really hard and replied, “Um, no th-th-thank you”, all the while wondering how I was going to get around his Heavy-Set, Six-Foot Tall, Frankenstein Frame to get out of the Scary Kitchen.
    “Do you know what a ding-dong is?” he whispered.
    “Uh-huh”, I said, starting to shake and envisioning myself having to explain to my dad (WHERE WAS HE???) that I ran out of this Creepy Hell House screaming bloody murder because his ‘friend’ was a Dirty Old Man.
    And then my brother walked in and the man turned around and said, “Would you like a ding-dong?”
    And before I could open my mouth to scream for my brother to run while he still had a living chance, my brother said, “Oh yeah! I want a ding-dong!”
    And the man stepped to the pantry, pulled out a box of Ding Dongs, and handed one to my brother who immediately tore into the plastic wrapper and happily drowned himself in the cholcolately-covered creamy goodness.
    And I stood there staring at the box of Ding Dongs, thinking “OOOOOOOooooohhhhh, a DING DONG!—Well crap, I wanted one of THOSE!”

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  12. My elevator pet peeve is when I’ve pushed the call button, wait several minutes for an elevator and when it arrives to be trampled by someone who just walked up and wants to get on the elevator before me – and before the folk on the elevator have exited.

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  13. L’Eggs Sheer Energy made my legs look like they were stuffed into sausage casings. When I was a cheerleader, we wore them to make our legs look tan. It was not a flattering look because Sheer Energy = Support Hose.
    Kissing Potion. Sticky, goopy, gloppy. I hated it when strands of my Farrah Fawcett ‘do would get stuck to my lips. I liked Lip Smackers better because of that.
    I just cannot justify spending almost $200 on a pair of jeans, no matter how good they make one look. Do you have to lie down flat on the bed and zip them up with pliers and then have your best friend stand you back up because your Jordache or Chemin de Fer jeans are THAT tight? Oh wait, wrong decade.
    Remember when people just smoked at their desks instead of having to take the elevator down one floor for their smoke breaks? I don’t miss those days at all.

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  14. L’Eggs Sheer Energy made my legs look like they were stuffed into sausage casings. When I was a cheerleader, we wore them to make our legs look tan. It was not a flattering look because Sheer Energy = Support Hose.
    Kissing Potion. Sticky, goopy, gloppy. I hated it when strands of my Farrah Fawcett ‘do would get stuck to my lips. I liked Lip Smackers better because of that.
    I just cannot justify spending almost $200 on a pair of jeans, no matter how good they make one look. Do you have to lie down flat on the bed and zip them up with pliers and then have your best friend stand you back up because your Jordache or Chemin de Fer jeans are THAT tight? Oh wait, wrong decade.
    Remember when people just smoked at their desks instead of having to take the elevator down one floor for their smoke breaks? I don’t miss those days at all.

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  15. L’Eggs Sheer Energy made my legs look like they were stuffed into sausage casings. When I was a cheerleader, we wore them to make our legs look tan. It was not a flattering look because Sheer Energy = Support Hose.
    Kissing Potion. Sticky, goopy, gloppy. I hated it when strands of my Farrah Fawcett ‘do would get stuck to my lips. I liked Lip Smackers better because of that.
    I just cannot justify spending almost $200 on a pair of jeans, no matter how good they make one look. Do you have to lie down flat on the bed and zip them up with pliers and then have your best friend stand you back up because your Jordache or Chemin de Fer jeans are THAT tight? Oh wait, wrong decade.
    Remember when people just smoked at their desks instead of having to take the elevator down one floor for their smoke breaks? I don’t miss those days at all.

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  16. How do you keep coming up with these things?
    I haven’t thought of the Kissing Potion in well…since I used it last sometime in the 70’s-gummy sticky stuff but I had strawberry, it’s probably still up in my mom’s attic. I see the ad says to share it with a friend! Or not.
    Ding Dongs wrapped in foil.
    L’eggs pantyhose-I don’t think they make the plastic eggs anymore. I haven’t worn a pair of pantyhose in a long time. Don’t plan on wearing them anytime soon either, but the control top part was nice. I wonder when the pantyhose wearing generation is all gone will they still make them? Kinda like the plastic rain hats that old ladies wear, I don’t plan on ever wearing one so what happens when all the little old ladies who do wear them are gone, the factory that makes them will have to close it’s doors?
    About the time I decide to get the skinny jeans they will be back out of style.

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  17. Hello Fresh Face. Still like a Yoo-Hoo and a devil dog.

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  18. Hello Fresh Face. Still like a Yoo-Hoo and a devil dog.

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  19. Hello Fresh Face. Still like a Yoo-Hoo and a devil dog.

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  20. “Man do my knees hurt!” Very nice. I remember Leggs, but I never heard of King Dons. I first read King Dong and thought Marvin was just trying to be perverted, when it was me being perverted all along.

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  21. I just wrote: Jean, those Junes look great on you.
    Bahaha. Yeah, so the jeans are made of awesome and so are you.

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  22. June! Glad the kids like the toys. I got one specifically for Lu, but she likes Hen-hen’s better? Dang. I loved the message from Henry. His spelling is getting better!
    Also, you are rockin’ them boyfriend jeans! You look great! Tall and slender!
    Do not miss pantyhose, either, Dawn in Austin. They are evil.

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  23. June- take some pipe cleaners (not purchased for cleaning pipes. who has pipes these days?) Anyway, take a pipe cleaner, squiggle it up, and toss it. Henry will love them. Might even get Francis moving. My Scooter plays with them for hours. Until they wind up under the refrigerator, and he sits and stares under the refrigerator until someone pulls the “dusty spiders” out.
    And Hulk…I can go one step further with the water pistols. During the seventies we had a “circuit” that everyone cruised through town to pick up/meet potential whatevers. We liked to do one of two things to fellow circuit-riders:
    1.) Ride in the back of the pickup truck with a water fire-extinguisher and spray people.
    or better…
    XIIIB) Toss an open can of beer through the open window of a car that you KNEW was a mom/dad car that they were driving…all the while laughing hysterically knowing that they had to explain that one when they got home.

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  24. I only use the elevator if I’m going four floors or higher. Why I’m not thin, I don’t know. Could be the DING DONGS. Hint: they’re best when they’re frozen.
    My dogs kill every toy and suck all the stuffing out within the first 15 minutes. It really is no fun to buy them anything.
    I never wore the lip gloss, but I wore L’Eggs for 20 years. I started back when I was a young waitress and waitresses wore waitress uniforms that were just a little uglier than the old nurses uniforms. Then I grew up and became a coocktail waitress at a casino, back when they wore themed outfits that matched the tacky decor of the casino. That sheer energy carried me through all those years. I hope to the powers that be that I never have to put on another pair!
    P.S. My kids always thought it was cool that their Easter eggs were so easy to find.

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  25. Just bought a new pair of jeans at Old Navy this past weekend. A new smaller size for me. Woot woot!
    June, your jeans look fab.
    At first I thought we were talking about Don King because I’ve only known that waxy chocolate thing as Ding Dong.
    Last, our 2 floor gym has an elevator. And, yes, people actually use the elevator. At. the. gym.

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  26. Love Sweet Tarts. Especially the chewy ones. Don’t think I’d like them with a bug spray coating.
    In our house it was Ho Hos all the way. I don’t even remember Ding Dong/King Dons etc.
    Formal dress and my L’Eggs are in Sheer Energy. Sorta shiny definitely keeps the cellulite to a minimum. A girls best friend.
    Just like your jeans June. Awesome!
    Lock Talu out of the room a play with poor deprived Henry. He’s starved for attention. Maybe not chipmunks and mice. But attention.
    My kissing potion was cherry. And how many times did the roller ball come off in the pocket of your Jordache jeans? It really pissed off my Mom once when it went through the laundry. Oh that was a gloppy mess.

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  27. I grew up in the southwest, in Arizona, which explains why I have never heard of King Dons or Ring Dings. They are Ding Dongs to me. They are also delicious to me.
    *Sings* “Nothing beats a great paaaaaiiirrr….of L’Eggs!”
    Excuse me while I go find my Shrinky Dinks and relive 1977.

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  28. For $180 those Hello jeans better deliver a whole lot of magic. I don’t think my child birthing hips could fit into those skinny jeans. Not to mention I can’t wear the sky high heels to make them look good.
    UGH, finding jeans to fit right is right up there with bathing suit shopping. Boyfriend jeans you say June? Do they come with a hot looking guy?

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  29. I actually thought there was magical stuff in the Kissing Potion, and couldn’t figure out why it didn’t make any of the boys want to kiss me.
    Good memories, those.
    I call them King Dons too, just to see if anyone catches the reference.
    Loving the jeans. Old Navy has a jeans sale on right now and I think they have some new brand for curvy gals, such as myself. At fifteen dollah, make you hollah. Gotta check that out.

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  30. It’s a Ring Ding.
    L’eggs!
    In all the buildings I’ve worked, the stairwells were locked. You could get into them in an emergency, but you couldn’t exit on any of the floors. Once you were in there, you had to stay there until the ground level. Also? Security cameras and big booming voices over the PA system. “YOU IN THE STAIRWELL ON THE THIRTEENTH FLOOR …” Like God. With a Cuban accent.
    Speaking of whoopee cushions, my father wanted my kids, who were alter servers at the time, to hide one under the priest’s chair on the altar. (That stunt was thwarted although some of us regret it to this day. My mother could be such a killjoy.)
    I didn’t even recognize Kim Basinger there! Is that a picture of her as a fetus? Girlfriend got oooooolllllldddd.

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  31. It’s a Ring Ding.
    L’eggs!
    In all the buildings I’ve worked, the stairwells were locked. You could get into them in an emergency, but you couldn’t exit on any of the floors. Once you were in there, you had to stay there until the ground level. Also? Security cameras and big booming voices over the PA system. “YOU IN THE STAIRWELL ON THE THIRTEENTH FLOOR …” Like God. With a Cuban accent.
    Speaking of whoopee cushions, my father wanted my kids, who were alter servers at the time, to hide one under the priest’s chair on the altar. (That stunt was thwarted although some of us regret it to this day. My mother could be such a killjoy.)
    I didn’t even recognize Kim Basinger there! Is that a picture of her as a fetus? Girlfriend got oooooolllllldddd.

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  32. It’s a Ring Ding.
    L’eggs!
    In all the buildings I’ve worked, the stairwells were locked. You could get into them in an emergency, but you couldn’t exit on any of the floors. Once you were in there, you had to stay there until the ground level. Also? Security cameras and big booming voices over the PA system. “YOU IN THE STAIRWELL ON THE THIRTEENTH FLOOR …” Like God. With a Cuban accent.
    Speaking of whoopee cushions, my father wanted my kids, who were alter servers at the time, to hide one under the priest’s chair on the altar. (That stunt was thwarted although some of us regret it to this day. My mother could be such a killjoy.)
    I didn’t even recognize Kim Basinger there! Is that a picture of her as a fetus? Girlfriend got oooooolllllldddd.

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  33. Okay. I went to The Gap website and ALL the jeans are on sale EXCEPT The Boyfriend Jeans. Maybe just online? I must have them. They look Great on you, June.

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  34. Yes, we all had Kissing Potion in high school. Strawberry was my flavor. That stuff was so goopy, I would wipe it off before a make out session because it was so messy. Kissing Potion may have been a good name to sell it, but that was not a practical use for it!

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  35. I love that apron that is hanging up in your kitchen, I got the same one for my friend for her birthday.
    You do look superskinny, love the jeans!
    Now that I got a good look at your hair again I think you should maybe not cut it. It is so pretty. I can see that the curls are coming back, but I like it.
    Thank you for all the pictures, I like that they are not all superperfect and photoshopped to the max like some other blogs. They look like my pictures that I take, so it makes me like you even more.
    I hope you have a great day in your new jeans and don’t forget to pull them up so your tush does not hang out.

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  36. June, Sometimes I do – if somebody I know catches up with me just as I’m getting on the elevator I kind of wince and say “I have bad knees!” Dad had both knees replaced, Mom had one replaced, and mine are on their way out. Maybe I should get a cane just for show.

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  37. I loved that Kissing Potion lip gloss, but those things were a bitch when they broke…seems like every other day in high school there would be one all splattered on the ground, broken glass everywhere. Why did we drop them so often? Were they really greasy? Hmm. Probably. My lips would positively DRIP with that stuff. Ahh, good times – thanks for the memories!

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  38. It’s a Ding Dong. And I ride the elevator one floor because my knees are killing me. I’m 48 and in good shape, skinny even. And my knees crunch audibly when I go up stairs. The more I take stairs, the more my knees hurt, so I take the elevator one stinkin’ floor. And I know I look like a lazy slob. And no offense taken, 5 years ago I would have never dreamed of taking an elevator one lousy floor.

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  39. First, off. I think you look skinny in the “boyfriend” jeans. Really skinny. Nice angle on that photo.
    I remember King Dons, Marvin. I do. I also remember when they came individually wrapped in foil. Why did they start out as Ding Dongs, then go to King Dons, then back to Ding Dongs? Maybe Marvin could do some research while working at the beach.
    Forget it, Marvin. I couldn’t resist. I did the research myself:
    What is the difference between a Ding Dong and a King Don?
    When Hostess introduced Ding Dongs® in 1967, the advertising campaign included a ringing bell: hence the name Ding Dongs. However, in the eastern United States, Hostess opted to package the cakes as King Dons to avoid confusion with a competitor’s product. Hostess consolidated the King Don and Ding Dong name in 1987, packaging the cakes as Ding Dongs in all regions. Six months later, Hostess decided to go back to using the King Don name in the eastern U.S., again, to avoid confusion with a competing product. But, today the issue has been put to rest and only Ding Dongs are sold nationwide.

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  40. Thanks for the flashback. Do they still make Leggs? I haven’t bought pantyhose in years. And those are definitely Ding Dong’s. Never heard of King Don. Don King yes. His little crown does resemble Don King hair a bit. I had more Lipsmackers than Kissing Potion. Anything that could slip into my too tight jeans pocket that I had to lay down to get on. Bring on the UTI’s. Those jeans look great on you June. Don’t know what they are so I’m googling Joann’s Hello! Skinny Jeans because I could use a little magic.

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  41. Seventies. Seventies references. I have not even begun to touch the 80s yet. And these are from the Gap. They are having a sale right now. Go get some. The Boyfriend. That is the kind I got. Do not even try the other ones because you will get sad.

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  42. Hulk (Who, along with the roomies, used to knock on random dormroom doors, and when the people opened them, we would squirt them with water pistols. Wondering how many times we would be arrested if we tried that now...) says:

    My freshman year at CMU, I lived in The Towers, an 8-story dorm. There was an unwritten rule that said you had to live at LEAST on the fourth floor to ride the elevators. If someone got on and pushed floor 1, 2, or 3? They were subjected to derisive stares, deep exasperation breaths, and the like.
    Once, to be funny, my roomies and I set up a card table in one of the elevators and played poker as we rode up and down. Good times…
    Did I ever tell my Vegas elevator story on here? Where I couldn’t find my floor?

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  43. How I need to rent your Hen. We are over run with chipmunks, squirrels and rabbits. I’ve even seen two BIG snakes this year and that hasn’t happened since before we built our house. I have a grand plan, we are going to travel to all the places in the US we want to see and we are coming home and adopt two, maybe three kitties. What do you think? Even Hubby is all for it–we still miss our beloved Oscar Snuggles.

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  44. I just woke up to let the dogs out. I am still too bleary eyed to be witty. But I just want to say, thanks for the memories. I LOVED the Fresh and Lovely, the strawberry one. As did my boyfriend.
    It’s a Ding Dong.
    And June, those jeans are super cute! Did you say what kind they were? I am reading this with just one eye, because the other one isn’t awake yet.
    I have these jeans called, Hello! Skinny Jeans and they make me look just that which is a miracle because I am not. I saw them on Oprah or one of those other deep shows and went online and bought me a pair, immediately. I’m pretty sure they’re made with magic fairy dust, they’re that perfect.
    I am now going back to bed. I’ll have to fight the dogs for my space in the bed.

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