Oh, I hate EVERYTHING.
I just spent half an hour writing you about my whole stupid stupid stupid idiotic 24 hours and then I LOST THE $#&%@@*& post!
Have I mentioned I hate everything?
Okay, so let me REITERATE.
First of all, I wish everyone would get these Tibetan prayer flags out my head, because it is just an illusion that Mt. Everest is up here. I have not had my roots done since June, and when I went to stupid stupid stupid Ulta a few weeks ago to make an appointment, they said they couldn't see me till Friday the 13th. I was all, "Oooo! Bad luck!" but I said okay, book it. Dano.
In the meantime, have I mentioned my creme filling over there in my root parts? And did I mention I was getting together with my friend Paula from Seattle today, not to mention all of her friends, not to mention Faithful Reader Jill Munroe and her entire family, who I had never met before, and I really did not want to look like you could enter Narnia if you just got to the top of my head?
Narnia is wintery, right? I can't remember. I think it was. Whatever.
The POINT of my story is, when I got there last night? They had NO RECORD of my appointment! They could not fit me in! Even though I had a card with the appointment time on there and everything! And I have many exclamation points right now!
So I STILL have roots. The roots, the witch and the wardrobe.
Before I got together with my Seattle friend Paula and everyone, I had to get my eyes examined, because I oughta have my eyes examined, and Marvin forgot to wake me up on time so I SCREAMED into the shower this morning, only to remember I had NO HAIR CONDITIONER and then I STAMPEDED to my vanity only to remember I ALSO HAD NO HAIR GEL.
I was planning to get both at STUPID STUPID STUPID Ulta and forgot when they did me wrong. Did I mention they took my number and said they'd call and make it up to me and it's been 24 hours and no call?
They are getting a strongly worded letter. Let me tell you.
So I had to go to the eye doctor with wet, unconditioned, ungelled hair. And what I looked? Hot. And not at all "she's 41 and her daddy still calls her baby." Also? Not remotely "all the folks 'round Brownsville say she crazy."
Say, will you hold my suitcase? Have you seen a mysterious dark-haired man?
The good news is I need bifocals. Because I'm 45 and my daddy still joins me at 4 p.m. for the early-bird special.
I wandered over to the eyeglasses part of the eye doctor to decide if I wanted new frames for my sexy new bifocals or if I was going to keep my current ones that I like. There was a 450-year-old woman there getting her rimless wire glasses bent, and I know this is what she was doing because I heard her asking for it at the tops of her lungs while I was being examined.
Believe it or not, I asked her, "Do you like my current frames or these new ones?"
She was wearing a short-sleeved blouse that was multicolored with butterflies and chains on it.
Old Carson Kressley of Greensboro leaned forward on her cane. "Well, it depends. Do you want to look stylish?"
I took her advice. I am keeping my frames. And adding BI-EFFING-FOCALS.
Maybe she and I can get together soon. Paint the town multicolored.
After my eye doctor, I got a huge smoothie and Marvin and I had to scream on over to Raleigh to get to our lunch with everyone. It takes an hour and a half, and guess what. When I was done with that tub o' liquid fruit? Guess who had to make water? Shake the dew off the lily? Drain the main vein?
Who was uncomfy? And I swear, as soon as I told Marvin, he SLOWED DOWN.
But get there we finally did, and after I peed out the world, I said hello to Paula and all her friends. Here is her friend Top, posing with the meat tenderizer I brought as a gift to Jill Munroe. I know! I really know how to give gifts.
See, Jill Munroe started reading my blog and making comments a lot. Once my dog's paw hurt, and Jill told me to soak Lu's paw in meat tenderizer. Since then, whenever I have a problem, she offers meat tenderizer as the solution. Also? I do not know what to tell you about that painting behind her. It kind of looks like Alec Baldwin after a bender. Alec Baldwin if he didn't use meat tenderizer.
Those of you who have been reading a while may recall that my friend Paula has breast cancer, but here you can see she is fit as a fiddle. She is getting pesky chemo but it's not giving her much trouble. I mean, she thinks SHE has problems. Can you see my roots, there?
After our fine lunch, we stopped at a fruit store and I'm sorry to tell you I loaded up on the fruit, despite the part where I had urinated fifty liquid pounds of it back at the restaurant. On the drive home, I wanted to eat my strawberries, but Marvin said no, I should not, because I would just get them all over me. If you ever want to piss me off, go ahead and tell me not to do something.
But guess what? GUESS WHAT!!
Who hates herself long time? iPone. That's what they have here in the South. It's like corn pone, but you get internet access with it.
Helloooo? Can you hear me? I'm talking into a pone.
Do I look cool? I used my root touch-up stick that looks like a marital aid, by the way. I would link to the photo of it but this is the SECOND TIME I have posted this post and besides Faithful Reader Beth Stalker Woman will find the photo in eight seconds and put it in the comments.
Oh, and speaking of comments, of course Comment of the Week goes to Sugar Momma for her Ding-Dong story. And of you don't read the comments you are totally confused now. Pone me. I'll explain it. Or, look on This Week's Special.
By the way I hate everything.