Mansion in the skyyyyy

Oh, I hate EVERYTHING.

I just spent half an hour writing you about my whole stupid stupid stupid idiotic 24 hours and then I LOST THE $#&%@@*& post!

Have I mentioned I hate everything?

Okay, so let me REITERATE.

Sigh.

First of all, I wish everyone would get these Tibetan prayer flags out my head, because it is just an illusion that Mt. Everest is up here. I have not had my roots done since June, and when I went to stupid stupid stupid Ulta a few weeks ago to make an appointment, they said they couldn't see me till Friday the 13th. I was all, "Oooo! Bad luck!" but I said okay, book it. Dano.

In the meantime, have I mentioned my creme filling over there in my root parts? And did I mention I was getting together with my friend Paula from Seattle today, not to mention all of her friends, not to mention Faithful Reader Jill Munroe and her entire family, who I had never met before, and I really did not want to look like you could enter Narnia if you just got to the top of my head?

Narnia is wintery, right? I can't remember. I think it was. Whatever.

The POINT of my story is, when I got there last night? They had NO RECORD of my appointment! They could not fit me in! Even though I had a card with the appointment time on there and everything! And I have many exclamation points right now!

So I STILL have roots. The roots, the witch and the wardrobe.

Before I got together with my Seattle friend Paula and everyone, I had to get my eyes examined, because I oughta have my eyes examined, and Marvin forgot to wake me up on time so I SCREAMED into the shower this morning, only to remember I had NO HAIR CONDITIONER and then I STAMPEDED to my vanity only to remember I ALSO HAD NO HAIR GEL.

I was planning to get both at STUPID STUPID STUPID Ulta and forgot when they did me wrong. Did I mention they took my number and said they'd call and make it up to me and it's been 24 hours and no call?

They are getting a strongly worded letter. Let me tell you.

So I had to go to the eye doctor with wet, unconditioned, ungelled hair. And what I looked? Hot. And not at all "she's 41 and her daddy still calls her baby." Also? Not remotely "all the folks 'round Brownsville say she crazy."

Say, will you hold my suitcase? Have you seen a mysterious dark-haired man?

The good news is I need bifocals. Because I'm 45 and my daddy still joins me at 4 p.m. for the early-bird special.

Kill me.

I wandered over to the eyeglasses part of the eye doctor to decide if I wanted new frames for my sexy new bifocals or if I was going to keep my current ones that I like. There was a 450-year-old woman there getting her rimless wire glasses bent, and I know this is what she was doing because I heard her asking for it at the tops of her lungs while I was being examined.

Believe it or not, I asked her, "Do you like my current frames or these new ones?"

She was wearing a short-sleeved blouse that was multicolored with butterflies and chains on it.

Old Carson Kressley of Greensboro leaned forward on her cane. "Well, it depends. Do you want to look stylish?"

I took her advice. I am keeping my frames. And adding BI-EFFING-FOCALS.

Maybe she and I can get together soon. Paint the town multicolored.

After my eye doctor, I got a huge smoothie and Marvin and I had to scream on over to Raleigh to get to our lunch with everyone. It takes an hour and a half, and guess what. When I was done with that tub o' liquid fruit? Guess who had to make water? Shake the dew off the lily? Drain the main vein?

Peeface

Who was uncomfy? And I swear, as soon as I told Marvin, he SLOWED DOWN.

Thirtyeffingthree
Here is an actual photo of our GPS, showing Marvin going THIRTY-THREE. Also, an artist's rendering of my bladder feelings.

Topandmeat

But get there we finally did, and after I peed out the world, I said hello to Paula and all her friends. Here is her friend Top, posing with the meat tenderizer I brought as a gift to Jill Munroe. I know! I really know how to give gifts.

Jillnmeat

See, Jill Munroe started reading my blog and making comments a lot. Once my dog's paw hurt, and Jill told me to soak Lu's paw in meat tenderizer. Since then, whenever I have a problem, she offers meat tenderizer as the solution. Also? I do not know what to tell you about that painting behind her. It kind of looks like Alec Baldwin after a bender. Alec Baldwin if he didn't use meat tenderizer.

Paulanme
Those of you who have been reading a while may recall that my friend Paula has breast cancer, but here you can see she is fit as a fiddle. She is getting pesky chemo but it's not giving her much trouble. I mean, she thinks SHE has problems. Can you see my roots, there?

After our fine lunch, we stopped at a fruit store and I'm sorry to tell you I loaded up on the fruit, despite the part where I had urinated fifty liquid pounds of it back at the restaurant. On the drive home, I wanted to eat my strawberries, but Marvin said no, I should not, because I would just get them all over me. If you ever want to piss me off, go ahead and tell me not to do something.

Stain
Here is my stained shirt when we got home. Have I mentioned I hate everything today?

But guess what? GUESS WHAT!!

Iphone
After changing shirts, the day was not a total loss, because we went out and got me an iPone!

iPone.

Who hates herself long time? iPone. That's what they have here in the South. It's like corn pone, but you get internet access with it.

Helurrr

Helloooo? Can you hear me? I'm talking into a pone.

Do I look cool? I used my root touch-up stick that looks like a marital aid, by the way. I would link to the photo of it but this is the SECOND TIME I have posted this post and besides Faithful Reader Beth Stalker Woman will find the photo in eight seconds and put it in the comments.

Oh, and speaking of comments, of course Comment of the Week goes to Sugar Momma for her Ding-Dong story. And of you don't read the comments you are totally confused now. Pone me. I'll explain it. Or, look on This Week's Special.

By the way I hate everything.

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Author: June

At one point, I was sort of hot, in a "she's 27 and probably a 7" kind of a way. Now I'm old and have to develop a charming personality. Guess how that's going.

32 thoughts on “Mansion in the skyyyyy”

  1. Sugar Momma totally deserves it with her Ding Dong story. I can just think about it and laugh out loud.
    I color my own roots. I can barely make it 4 weeks and I start looking a little frosty. When is science going to come up with a cure for gray hair?
    I just found out you had a first blog via the nester. You’ve been funny for years.
    Does Alec Baldwin have on a medic alert bracelet?

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  2. You had a fantastic day! You should not hate everything.
    Drunken swollen Alec Baldwin is peeking down Jill Monroe’s shirt. Exactly what type of place did you go for lunch?

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  3. You are hilarious when you are mad. Loved this post, except for the part where I am going to go crazy trying to remember the song you kept quoting. Ugh!

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  4. Thanks, Junie. I really needed a good laugh tonight, and that did the trick. Now could you make everything in my life turn back around and be normal again like it was 3 stupid days ago?

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  5. Here is a sad story that ended happy. Once upon a time my hairdresser did an Ulta on me & I couldn’t get my roots done when I really needed to. I was so mad, I marched to the grocery story and bought some L’Oreal Superior Preference haircolor. Went home. Put it on. I looked fab. 14 years later, I still do my own and I never lose my appointment.

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  6. And, June? Thanks for the earworm. Now I have to go find a way to erase that song from my brain. BEFORE I try to go to sleep tonight.

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  7. I love the purple too but I don’t wear it much as it makes me look like a walking bruise. Oh yeah – the post…me need to comment…um. Question: June have you gone back to drinking Sanka or what?! 😉

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  8. You hate everything and I hate everyone. We should get together with our stained shirts and snowy roots and stylish eyeglass frames. We could ignore each other while simultaneously tweeting inanities on our pones. Tomorrow at 2?

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  9. Funny stuff. Jealous of your pone. I want one and have been whining for over a year. Annoying, much???
    Also and next my husband does the same ding dang thing. I say I need to stop and we crawl by 39,677 places and on to the next town before we stop. Meanwhile, my eyeballs are turning yellow (or yeller as we say in the south).

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  10. Which Ipone did you get? The fiancée and I both have one and we love ours. Sorry you had a bad day! But do you love your iPhone? Because that would make my day instantly better. I’m 20. I zeroed in on the part I understood.
    Also, they are filming Water for Elephants in chattanooga. FYI.
    Sheesh this comment was completely random. Ding dongs! And then Marvin made his move.
    I blame Aunt Sue.

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  11. ~Hey… Delta Dawwwn,
    Got that butterfly polyester goin’ on…
    Could you be that faded rose from phones gone byyyyy…
    And did you up there say,
    You was hatin’ it all today ?
    Except when you was meetin’ your friends for pie…
    Ah Tanya Tucker…
    I recall her fondly…
    xoxo

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  12. Furry, what happened was, I needed to go cut and paste comment of the week, and I scheduled my post to post in 15 minutes so I could come back to it with the link for Sugar Mommy, but somehow I didnt schedule it right. Then I did the comment of the week, so when it did that You have a post you recently wrote. Do you want to retrieve it? thing, what it brought back was Comment of the Week page, because that was the last thing I had futzed with. Arent you glad you asked?

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  13. I’ll be doggoned! Tanya Tucker did do a cover of Delta Dawn.
    Since I am of a certain age, I only remember the Helen Reddy version. What do you suppose happened to Helen Reddy?
    I know what happened to Tanya Tucker. Poor thing was reduced to singing at county fairs.

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  14. Oh for heaven’s sake!
    My first cup of the morning and what do you do?! Huh! You go and poke me funny bone and cause me to spit it out!
    Wasteful!
    Now the Old Guy has to get up off of the sofa and fix me another cup! He’s flippin’ you off by the way…..giggle.
    Love this as i do all of your writings. You are such a hoot!

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  15. I agree with Kellye who has root issues. My hairdresser never lost my appointment but for the love of diet Coke why does it take the hair people HOURS upon HOURS to color my hair? No highlights or lowlights or anything, just one color, one process. HOURS. For my thin hair. So I also get Preference and I can get my whole head done in under an hour, including drying/styling. Not to even mention it’s $10 vs. $200+. But I’m not mentioning that.
    That said, I would still send the strongly worded letter to Ulta and demand a free hair coloring. Those jerks.

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  16. I agree with Kellye who has root issues. My hairdresser never lost my appointment but for the love of diet Coke why does it take the hair people HOURS upon HOURS to color my hair? No highlights or lowlights or anything, just one color, one process. HOURS. For my thin hair. So I also get Preference and I can get my whole head done in under an hour, including drying/styling. Not to even mention it’s $10 vs. $200+. But I’m not mentioning that.
    That said, I would still send the strongly worded letter to Ulta and demand a free hair coloring. Those jerks.

    Like

  17. I agree with Kellye who has root issues. My hairdresser never lost my appointment but for the love of diet Coke why does it take the hair people HOURS upon HOURS to color my hair? No highlights or lowlights or anything, just one color, one process. HOURS. For my thin hair. So I also get Preference and I can get my whole head done in under an hour, including drying/styling. Not to even mention it’s $10 vs. $200+. But I’m not mentioning that.
    That said, I would still send the strongly worded letter to Ulta and demand a free hair coloring. Those jerks.

    Like

  18. The Ulta hair salons near me aren’t ever busy. There were two fresh new stores built in pretty trendy neighborhoods and I go quite frequently. You’d never know it by looking at me but I go a lot. Only once while shopping have I noticed someone being in the salon. Come to think about it that wasn’t even in my home state of Ohio. We were visiting Atlanta at the time.

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  19. Kay, three things. First, I LOVE me the song “Delta Dawn.” Extra points for quoting that.
    Second, that picture totally looks like Sly Stallone smoking a cigar.
    Third, I never ever ever want to hear about how old your getting again because those are some might perky boobs in your stained wife beater where you sort of look like you’re about to join Sly in a remake of Rambo and kick some everlovin’ ass.
    Just sayin’.

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