I am berserk, June's stupid life

Elephant woman

I am blogging at you on Wednesday night because I have to be at the headache clinic at 7:30 a.m. on Thursday.

That sounds like a hoot, doesn't it?

I get to get my blood drawn so they can make sure this trial drug they have me on is not killing me. Oh, it's a PLACEEEEEBO, I'm telling you. I totally totally got the placebo. I am being paid to take sugar pills for six months. Fine.

Plus, why do I have to go there to get my blood drawn? Can't they just get out a red crayon?

BAHAHAHAHAHA!

Anyway, the only thing I have to tell you is I am tired from all the work I am doing, plus the part where my dog does not care that I am working two jobs, so the minute I got home tonight she started saying, "MMMM!" followed up by "MMMMM!" and I understand you do not speak Tallulah, but that means, "Marvin is at band practice and if you do not take me on a walk I will be a pain in your arse all night. Mostly because of the part where I will keep going, 'MMMM!'"

So even though I had 40-inch espadrilles on, we went. I know I could have changed clothes but I wasn't in the mood. I looked like Nancy Regan out there, tottering on my heels. Plus there was the part where I was eating my Cobb salad.

Does everyone know that Nancy Regan always orders a Cobb salad, or is that just a thing I know, like how I know Barry Gibb's 40th wedding anniversary is just around the corner? (It's September 1, if you wanted to get a card in the mail.)

But speaking of things no one should remember, here is what I logged on to tell you today.

Do you like Facebook? Because I just loves it. It is just the perfect venue for me. I have no desire to leave the people in my past in my past. I like 'em all hanging around right here in my present: the girl I was in fifth-grade cheerleading with, my old boyfriend who I dumped for Marvin in 1996, my coworker who never really liked me all that much anyway, my 10th-grade sociology teacher. I love having them all in one place and forcing them to listen to my pithicisms. Pithicisms is totally a word.

So, the other day I got a friend request from a guy I had gone to junior high school with. With whom I had gone to junior high school. Whatever. Get a life.

And let's pause for a moment and discuss. The prettiness. That was me in junior high school. Imagine sort of an unsexy really skinny Don Knotts. With giant hair.

My mother used to tell me that boys were intimidated by my beauty, and that's why they weren't approaching me.

Oh, mom.

Anyway. For some reason the way our school system worked, they kept us in junior high for 7th, 8th, and 9th grades, and by 9th grade I was slightly less hideous. Picture Jimmy Page wearing tight jeans and Candies.

Jimmy_page-pic

1_06e82e08e8d9979f34c8a1fd4e6bed10

God, Candies were the bomb. I want every color ALL OVER AGAIN. Look at her hose peeping out at the top of the picture.

Anyway.

At the end of 9th grade, they sent us on a class trip to Cedar Point, which is a big amusement park a few hours away. This guy who just friend requested me on Facebook (we'll call him Ted) sat with me on the bus, and we may have slightly made out on the way home.

And…that was it. Pretty soon it was summer vacation, I got my first real boyfriend Kevin, and Ted went to a different high school. So, like, we had one torrid night on a bus in 1979.

So this guy friend requests me, and we start reminiscing about junior high, and classes we had, and a play we had been in (they did The Elephant Man, and I was the star. I needed no makeup). Finally, he says, "Did we make out on the bus ride home from Cedar Point?"

Here is the problem. And if you know me in real life you know this. I HAVE A MEMORY LIKE AN ELEPHANT. LIKE THE ELEPHANT MAN. I.REMEMBER.EVERYTHING. Plus, I AM NOT AN ANIMAL!

So he's asking didn't we make out on the way back from Cedar Point, and I remember every last detail about that day. I remember what I was wearing. (Really? Okay. Yellow shorts. Yes, yellow. Adidas tennis shoes. A white Tshirt with magenta and yellow horizontal stripes. And in case it got cold? Are you ready? My black satin jacket that read "20th Century Fox" on the back in silver glitter. Honest to God. No, I was not Tammy Wynette.) I remember where we sat on the bus. I remember who sat in front of us (Jeannie and Lori).

And if I TELL him all that, he is going to think I have never had any other man come near me since 1979. And if you were around for those trampy college years, you certainly know THAT'S not true.

Hi, mom.

Anyway, my dilemma is, do I act vague? "Hmmmmm. Yeah, maybe we made out. Wait. Did I even go to Cedar Point?" or do I just tell everything and look like Miss Havisham? Do I show him my "Ted forever" tattoo and my "1979 was the best year EVER because that's when I kissed TED!" shrine in my room? I am gonna look like an obsessed nutbar if I'm honest!

Oh, this stupid memory.

I can't wait for the inevitable dementia everyone gets in my family.

87 thoughts on “Elephant woman”

  1. First time reader and am loving it all! I like wit and you have it in abundance.
    I am exactly the same with the freaky memory. A girl I had 7th grade English with ended up teaching in the classroom next door to me 15 years later. We are close friends now, but only because I didn’t immediately tell her she had Mrs. Babic for Jr. High English and looks nice now without bangs!

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  2. Oh he remembers. Yep.
    And I used to had those Sheer Energy calves too!

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  3. Pahaha…love all the comments 😀
    Thanks for explaining about Homecoming – I never knew it was all for a football game! Feel kinda stupid because I’ve seen it in like a million movies now that I think about it. What can I say, not all of us were blessed with elephant memories!
    Heehee, I love it: “Then after the football game/crowning of a girl with better hair than you, there is a semi-formal dance”. Don’t worry, I’m sure that in some countries showing your calves is considered v. risque!

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  4. Okay here is where I spill the beans…my 7th grade trip to the Alamo was when I first made out with the ex-asshat. Had that event never happened, I would have never had a ginormous crush on him for way too long and ended up in the pokey because of him. Be careful of those junior high flings lest they land you in the hoosegow (is that even spelled right?)

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  5. Well, first of all I have to say how much I am IN LOVE WITH YOUR BLOG!! You say EVERYTHING I am thinking, you KILL me! and no, I don’t think I’d tell the dude that you made out. And my jacket in the same era you speak of was RED satin with “Hilldale Hornets” on it (our team) and I want to wear Candies again! I always wore my red satin jacket over the ‘S’ (for superman) spaghetti strap white terry cloth shirt with the satin logo. I don’t really miss those days, most of the time!

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  6. twelvedays…I’ve got you beat. Didn’t kiss any guys until I was 18, and I have the same naked history as you do. Makes my adult life more interesting than my teen life…
    June, I used to have elephant brain but it’s vanishing. I still assume I remember everything and boy it’s frustrating to rely upon something that is no longer there!

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  7. This blog and the comments KILL ME DEAD.
    We call gappy teeth “summer” teeth, as in “summer” here and “summer” there.

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  8. This blog and the comments KILL ME DEAD.
    We call gappy teeth “summer” teeth, as in “summer” here and “summer” there.

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  9. This blog and the comments KILL ME DEAD.
    We call gappy teeth “summer” teeth, as in “summer” here and “summer” there.

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  10. Hide your wives, hide your kids, hide your husbands….. Junie is in the back of the bus…homey

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  11. Hide your wives, hide your kids, hide your husbands….. Junie is in the back of the bus…homey

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  12. Hide your wives, hide your kids, hide your husbands….. Junie is in the back of the bus…homey

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  13. OK, this comment is totally not related to kissing and making out in junior high, or old boyfriends and facebook….BUT…back eons ago when you were all talking about the Shark steam mop? Remember? I have been wanting one so, so, so, so much because we have a ton of tile floors and a million hairy, shedding animals. And I got one today, and I used it, and I love it.
    That’s all – just wanted to share.
    Carry on.

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  14. Twelve days,
    I think you should look at your kissing experience as the result of your extremely high standards, then no one will get depressed…except for maybe Sleeping Naked Beauty.
    If original Joann is a haggy housewife, I’m a parakeet. Cut it out Joann! YOU are depressing ME with your false modesty. I’ve seen your blog, you’ve held BONO in your arms (Ms. I Don’t Photoshop).
    As I re-read this comment, I realize I have found two possibly depressed people, maybe three if you count crazy self-image joann….okay and maybe four if you count twelve days, but she shouldn’t be depressed because kissing in teen years causes embarrassing memories.

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  15. Sorry I keep commenting (lack of interest at work this afternoon – who wouldn’t hire me?), but did anyone get depressed reading that the only two times guys kissed me before I was NINETEEN was because they were dared to?

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  16. Gra, Homecoming is first a football game, where everyone who used to go to school at your school shows up, and it is where they crown the Homecoming Queen, which if you looked like Don Knotts and Jimmy Pages spawn you were never picked to BE Homecoming Queen and you had to develop a funny personality to make up for it. But Im not bitter. Then after the football game/crowning of a girl with better hair than you, there is a semi-formal dance, which means you wear a short dress. And apparently after get naked with your date, and I would like to take this opportunity to apologize to Matt Rick, my homecoming date, for not letting him see anything but my Sheer Energy calves in that semi-formal teal-blue dress.
     

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  17. So. Now I know why everyone in your family gets early dementia…you remember EVERYTHING – every tiny detail and eventually your brain just gets…….tired and gives up. And you lose your mind.
    Yes. Tell him you remember the make-out session. Just not every tiny detail, no?

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  18. Hmm…had to catch up with the comments again, hilarious! Think I’m addicted to bye bye, pie.
    Ooh, I can’t wait to hear the naked homecoming story too. Just to clarify, is homecoming like a formal dance when you’re in your late teens?

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  19. Okay, waiting on Beauty’s naked homecoming story. Must have been quite the shindig.
    I’m loving all the face lifting tips. There is this lotion that tightens the face temporarily. Just don’t get caught in the rain.

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  20. Between your FB post yesterday and this post I have been on a laughing jag for 2 days. It makes being home from back surgery and whooped up on oxy even more fun. Thanks, June

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  21. Tammy Wynette…HAAAAA, I’m dying laughing! I would tell him that yes, you did make out with him, but you don’t remember much else.

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  22. The Mr. Limpet or Ralph Furley, Don Knotts?
    I’m going with… awww heck, its a toss up.
    June you little minx, being coy, and evidently you were quite a good kisser.

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  23. The Mr. Limpet or Ralph Furley, Don Knotts?
    I’m going with… awww heck, its a toss up.
    June you little minx, being coy, and evidently you were quite a good kisser.

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  24. The Mr. Limpet or Ralph Furley, Don Knotts?
    I’m going with… awww heck, its a toss up.
    June you little minx, being coy, and evidently you were quite a good kisser.

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  25. Now that you are all mentioning your making out stories on middle school road trips, it reminds me that I indeed went on one of those too. We went to Mt. St. Helens in 8th grade and I kissed Sherard (again, no making out) on a dare. I wouldn’t kiss another guy until I was 19. With that kind of track record, yes, I know every guy that has seen me naked. One. Well, except for the ultrasound doctor who got to feel me up, but my husband was there so I don’t know if that counts.

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  26. Thanks for the wonderful memory of Candies. I wore them daily. Such beautiful colors. Back then they made me feel sexy. Now they would make me feel cripled.
    My class went to Six Flags over Texas at the end of 7th grade. I wore new turquoise shirt and shorts with new white leather sandals. The big Greyhound busses were not co-ed, no making out. We pigged out on fried chicken.
    As for intimidating the boys with your beauty, Reminds me of the time Dad told me I had the profile of a Greek godess. It made me feel good until I saw the honkers on those gals. YIKES!

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  27. So a dude I went to high school with (I’ll call him Corey) friended me on FB. A year and a half ago we had an informally organized Facebook class reunion over thanksgiving weekend. I remembered Corey, of course, but the way I vaguely remembered it, he dated my friend Lisa, and we all hung out together as friends a lot.
    So we’re at the reunion at some bar in Novi, with about 40 of our closest friends, and Corey says something about how we used to date. (Mind you, Corey is now happily married with children. I am not.) I say, “What? We used to date?” Which kinda pissed him off. As we continue talking about this and he fails to refresh my memory, he yells out loud, “For God’s sake, I’ve seen you NAKED!” The whole bar went silent.
    I went back to my parents’ home where I was staying for the T’giving weekend and asked my mother if she remembered me dating Corey. She says, “Of course I remember Corey. You went to Homecoming with him.” What an asshole I am. Yikes.

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  28. Tell him everything! He will be flattered. I, too, have this kind of recall ability and have never had anyone think I am a stalker when I recount to them (at least not to my face!) my memories of them.
    PERHAPS he has such a memory and is testing yours…and not wanting to appear stalkerish.
    Go for it! 🙂

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  29. 1)I think he is going to know that you have made out with guys since, because, hello you are married and have a different last name?
    and
    b)why are you worried that he thinks that you will be weird for remembering it when he obviously remembers it because he brought it up?

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  30. Hulk (Who wants June the Sports Gal to know there are 18 holes on a golf course...I am a really crappy golfer...hence the huge number of strokes by only the 12th hole...ahhh, forget it.) says:

    Oh Junie–I forgot to tell you. I am not working tomorrow because I am golfing in a Cancer Benefit golf outing.
    Well, not a cancer BENEFIT, a money-raising benefit to fund cancer research.
    If they pay by the stroke, I might have this shitty disease cured by the 12th hole.

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  31. Based on some of the pictures you have posted of you in middle school, I’d say your mom was right about boys being intimidated by your beauty. I wish I were likie Beth Stalker Woman so I could find the picture of you where I thought “Wow, I wish I looked like that in middle school.”
    I envy you your memory. I remember almost nothing frm my childhood and am starting to forget things I said yesterday.

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  32. Hulk, that was one smooth move!
    And the little flowers from middle of the bra? Who was this dude seducing– 13 year olds? I haven’t had a little flower on my bra, in, I can’t remember.
    June, I like your tips. I was thinking of getting one of those elastic straps that pulls your face back and you hide the strap under your hair. But I don’t have enough hair. Maybe if I could borrow your hair for my vacation. I’ll return it in good condition.

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  33. No you did not…but I bet I know who it was.
    Also, on that same trip, I met a gal in BC and asked her to dance. She kind of brushed me off and said, “Maybe the next slow song.”
    I said, “Well, this is the only slow song I like.”
    BAM!

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  34. Hulk, that is beautiful. And did I tell you about the guy we went to high school with who collected flowers from womens bras? He had them on his BULLETIN BOARD in his room. He was from YOUR junior high. Tacky North guys.

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  35. Oh dear lawd awmighty…but that was the grandest adventure you just took me on in one post!!! Had me busting a gut…especially the Don Knotts comparison! Seriously though, you’re a riot!

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  36. Back in Hulk’s day, he used to, well, he was able to “connect” from time to time…To wit, I had a few pairs of leftover earrings on my nightstand.
    One time I was sorta dating a girl, but had to go play in a baseball tourney in Battle Creek over the weekend. When I got back, I found out that she dumped me for another guy. I knew where she worked, so I took the handful of earrings to her, and asked:
    “Can you please pick out the ones that are yours?”
    Oh yeah, I remembered which ones were hers…

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  37. Joann, I think you cannot, so what you must do is constantly find ways to pull up on your face. Say things like, OOO! Im so exasperated! And tug on your face. Sit and listen to him like he is fascinating, with your hand pulling up on your forehead. Or find a way for him to always be sitting higher up than you, so you are looking up and stretching your face. Do not think I have not done all these things.

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  38. okay so, I don’t know if he remembers. He probably does, but one time I had to facebook a friend and ask if we went on a date. You see, I didn’t remember it but i found some old emails and it mentioned me going on a date with him…and apparently I did. Obviously I have the memory of a small parakeet.
    Now that I think of it, it’s sort of mean of me to ask him, because, how memorable are you?
    However, unless he ran across his old 9th grade diary, I think already knows. In which case, why is he asking?
    I like The Chief’s answer. And JoAnn, you are going to be in CALI? I am in CALI! Come over, I’ll feed you bagel bites.

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  39. I agree, he remembers. Oh boy does he remember. He’s the one that hasn’t had a date since 1979 has a shrine of you in some creepy basement at his mothers house.
    Joann’s ex still has a little crush and boy is that guy in shape. No basement dweller there.
    Bawahahaha, Furry! Teeth like a picket fence!

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  40. Heehee The Chief…not even your children, but your grandchildren – love it!
    I have a gay ex too Furry – they’re all the rage these days.

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  41. How about you just say “Yeah, I believe we did” and maybe throw in a hehe if you want to channel some of that 9th grader. I originally typed 9th 9nth.
    Also, I wish I had a good memory. I kissed a boy on a dare in middle school (and I was no looker, I promise you) and all I remember is that he had kind of gappy teeth. We didn’t make out, just a peck (woah, Katie), but I’d like to think he had some other nice features besides gappy teeth.

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  42. Ummm, does he know you have a blog? Because he might, I don’t know, figure it out by reading this post which is available to anyone on the Internet.
    I used to have an elephant memory, but then I birthed and breast fed 3 kids and my theory is, every time those kids nursed, they sucked out more of my memory. There’s barely anything left. And I’m pretty sure, Furry, I wear the same outfit every single day.
    Oh and speaking of Facebook and old boyfriends, I have reconnected with one of my old high school boyfriends on FB. He is a champion cyclist and he is about to bike his way (over 3,000 miles) across the country in 41 days to raise money for Big Brothers, Big Sisters. He’s starting his ride in California and it just so happens he’ll be out there training when my husband and I are out there next week. So, we’re meeting him for dinner. I have decided I am not eating until then. The final Bagel Bite passed my lips last night. That is it.

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  43. How about, “We did a lot more than that! Would you like me to send you pictures of your grandchildren?”

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  44. I agree with all the people who agree with Paula. He so totally remembers.
    Now I need to go listen to A Whole Lotta Love. I actually saw Jimmy Page in concert, he looked nothing like you…Robert Plant however….sorry.

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  45. This is hilarious!
    I would probably say, “yeah, I think I remember that trip.” Let it go at that, for heaven sakes don’t tell him all those elephant brain details you remember.

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  46. Oh, and also, plus, too? I had lunch with a friend yesterday and she started to tell me about the outfit she was wearing. She wore it the LAST time we were together about two weeks ago. My first thought was, “You don’t remember what you wore when you saw me last? What is wrong with you?” And then I remembered that I am an elephant woman. I remember what I wore to every occasion in my entire life. I even recall the wall paper and furniture/room arrangement of the apartment we left when I was a year and a half old. It’s a very messy brain.

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  47. Hey, we went to Cedar Point as a class trip before leaving jr high. But our jr high ended with 8th grade. And our parents car-pooled since we would never have been allowed to take a bus. Who knows what kind of shenanigans happen on bus trips!
    Well, actually, I guess June knows exactly the kind of shenanigans.

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  48. Hey! Ted was Beth’s last boyfriend before she started dating me! That dude really gets around, and has a thing for big hair, apparently.
    Ted knows it was you, so confirm the makeout session without the details. Then end the potential drama by letting him know you remember the episode because you had to go home and take a Silkwood Shower.
    He won’t think you still have it bad for him.

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  49. Wouldn’t it be fine to say, “Yeah, I seem to remember that” and leave it at that? Unless he wants to know if you think he was a good kisser and then I would totally play it off like, “Huh? Wha?” …*pointing* “Look! Is that Barry Gibb?!”…*running in the other direction*

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  50. through?…throw…sorry, I’m just focusing on the loud noises here….

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  51. Yup, I agree with Paula – he remembers for sure! Personally I would tell him I remember it all, but that’s really just to see how freaked out he would be. You could even through in some dramatic fictional details like how you have been holding out for him all this time and have kept that black satin “20th Century Fox” jacket to wear to your vegas wedding.

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  52. Ted TOTALLY remembers every bit of it and is hedging. It’s an offensive face-saving ploy. Defensive? Whatev, stupid sports.
    OH, I have so many comments I want to make (Candies!! Squeee!) but I have to go to my stupid stupid stupid and also pain in the ass job.
    But thanks for cracking my shit up first thing this morning!

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  53. Ted TOTALLY remembers every bit of it and is hedging. It’s an offensive face-saving ploy. Defensive? Whatev, stupid sports.
    OH, I have so many comments I want to make (Candies!! Squeee!) but I have to go to my stupid stupid stupid and also pain in the ass job.
    But thanks for cracking my shit up first thing this morning!

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  54. Ted TOTALLY remembers every bit of it and is hedging. It’s an offensive face-saving ploy. Defensive? Whatev, stupid sports.
    OH, I have so many comments I want to make (Candies!! Squeee!) but I have to go to my stupid stupid stupid and also pain in the ass job.
    But thanks for cracking my shit up first thing this morning!

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  55. Hulk (Who can tell you who made the last out of Len Barker's 1981 perfect game, but only vaguely remembers what he had for breakfast an hour ago...some sort of cereal I am sure.) says:

    We went to Mackinac Island for our 9th grade trip.
    I think…

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