Hello, young whippersnapper. I am trying to type you with my #$&&$@ new bifocals. Would you like a bottle of sassafras? Say, isn't that the calliope I hear? Let me get my big hearing tube.
Okay, I do not know why I am an old folky type lady. All I know is the world HAS TWO LEVELS right now and I don't like EITHER ONE of them.
But you know what's nice? The part where I can read things now with my glasses on. Hunh. Who knew bifocals would help with that? I thought it was just to humiliate me and remind me that death is the next step.
I wonder what swear word "#$&&$@" is, exactly. I think "frogsucking," which isn't technically a swear, but that's what I see when I see "#$&&$@."
The eyeglasses guy told me to stay off ladders and roofs this weekend, as my depth perception will be off. So there goes that cat burglaring I had planned.
In the meantime, while I get used to the part where THE BOTTOM OF THE WORLD IS OUT OF FOCUS, oh, wait, now it's not, NOW IT IS, oh, there we go, I am still completely in love with my iPhone. This is the best $99 I ever spent. Plus $60 a month for the next two years. But it's SO WORTH IT. Don't you think Mel Gibson paid a lot more for Oksana Boyul or whatever her name was, and look how that turned out. This relationship is much better.
For example, yesterday at lunch I got annoyed by the restaurant serving "pizza." Was it pizza or wasn't it? Were we just gonna play house, and I would get an empty plate? Was it going to be lamb chops and we were gonna call it pizza? What?
So I took a picture and shot it right off to Sleeping Beauty WITH MY PHONE.
Not want your fancee fone in muzzle one.more.time, mom. Lu get Pit Bull on yer arse.
Also? Because who doesn't want this? You can take 800 photos of your dog, who is totally over you, and make them look like old faded Instamatic pictures.
OLD FADED INSTAMATICS!!
Then? I went to the farmers market with my next-cubicle neighbor at work, Jane West–whose name is not remotely Jane West, but when I asked her what she wanted her name to be on my blog she went into this whole explanation of what she wanted it to be, but mentioned in passing that she used to play with a Jane West doll as a child so I am ignoring whatever she said and her name on my blog is Jane West–and I took this picture of the RJR Tobacco, or, inexplicably, TOB.C, towers. It's not like they didn't have enough room on those towers to write the whole word. Did they just get bored?
The point is, TOOK IT WITH MY PHONE.
What the RJR Tob.C people need are some wires.
You'd think it was 1997, wouldn't you, as excited as I am getting about taking pictures with my ding-dang phone.
I just took this here photo right now. Guess how.
And just so you won't have to Google it, here's a Jane West doll. This is exactly how my coworker dresses every day. Particularly with the uterus pack. What is going on with Jane's uterus, there?
Really, have you ever once in your life said, "I think I'll pull on my completely turquoise ensemble, the one that cradles my uterus so nicely, and then slip over it my teensy brown vest. It'll go so nicely with my Price Valiant bob."
Have you similarly said, "I can't wait to show off my outfit when I stand in front of a sheet"?
I guess those are all the stupid things I have to tell you.
Oh, this is so embarrassing.
Sometimes some nice person will email me, and say they just read all my archives, or that they just love my blog or whatever, and they always leave the caveat that they ARE NOT A STALKER, just wanted to tell me.
And here is why they never need to leave that caveat.
I love Miss Doxie. God knows I do. I am not going to link to her because I hope she NEVER SEES THIS, but if you Google Miss Doxie you'll see her blog, which she hasn't updated since like November of last year.
I am afraid that I was Googling around yesterday, and I may have found Miss Doxie's wedding website. Yes, she is marrying that cute guy, the one she met after she broke up with that Dukay, who was never good enough for her, if you want my opinion.
Okay, who sat there and read every word of her wedding website, which was none of my business but rather for INVITED GUESTS of her wedding? And no, I will not link us all to it. I was shameful enough doing it my own self.
But the good news is, she is happy and getting married soon and that guy is hot, if you ask me. And he likes cats. You can't ask for more than that in a man.
So really. I will never think any of you are remotely stalkers. Because have you met my restraining order?
Maybe I should go to Miss Doxie's wedding and take photos with my iPhone!!