June goes bi


Hello, young whippersnapper. I am trying to type you with my #$&&$@ new bifocals. Would you like a bottle of sassafras? Say, isn't that the calliope I hear? Let me get my big hearing tube.

The circus must be a-comin'!

Okay, I do not know why I am an old folky type lady. All I know is the world HAS TWO LEVELS right now and I don't like EITHER ONE of them.

But you know what's nice? The part where I can read things now with my glasses on. Hunh. Who knew bifocals would help with that? I thought it was just to humiliate me and remind me that death is the next step.

I wonder what swear word "#$&&$@" is, exactly. I think "frogsucking," which isn't technically a swear, but that's what I see when I see "#$&&$@."

The eyeglasses guy told me to stay off ladders and roofs this weekend, as my depth perception will be off. So there goes that cat burglaring I had planned.

In the meantime, while I get used to the part where THE BOTTOM OF THE WORLD IS OUT OF FOCUS, oh, wait, now it's not, NOW IT IS, oh, there we go, I am still completely in love with my iPhone. This is the best $99 I ever spent. Plus $60 a month for the next two years. But it's SO WORTH IT. Don't you think Mel Gibson paid a lot more for Oksana Boyul or whatever her name was, and look how that turned out. This relationship is much better.



For example, yesterday at lunch I got annoyed by the restaurant serving "pizza." Was it pizza or wasn't it? Were we just gonna play house, and I would get an empty plate? Was it going to be lamb chops and we were gonna call it pizza? What?

So I took a picture and shot it right off to Sleeping Beauty WITH MY PHONE.


Not want your fancee fone in muzzle one.more.time, mom. Lu get Pit Bull on yer arse.

Also? Because who doesn't want this? You can take 800 photos of your dog, who is totally over you, and make them look like old faded Instamatic pictures. 



Then? I went to the farmers market with my next-cubicle neighbor at work, Jane West–whose name is not remotely Jane West, but when I asked her what she wanted her name to be on my blog she went into this whole explanation of what she wanted it to be, but mentioned in passing that she used to play with a Jane West doll as a child so I am ignoring whatever she said and her name on my blog is Jane West–and I took this picture of the RJR Tobacco, or, inexplicably, TOB.C, towers. It's not like they didn't have enough room on those towers to write the whole word. Did they just get bored?

The point is, TOOK IT WITH MY PHONE.

What the RJR Tob.C people need are some wires.

You'd think it was 1997, wouldn't you, as excited as I am getting about taking pictures with my ding-dang phone.



I just took this here photo right now. Guess how.


And just so you won't have to Google it, here's a Jane West doll. This is exactly how my coworker dresses every day. Particularly with the uterus pack. What is going on with Jane's uterus, there?

Really, have you ever once in your life said, "I think I'll pull on my completely turquoise ensemble, the one that cradles my uterus so nicely, and then slip over it my teensy brown vest. It'll go so nicely with my Price Valiant bob."

Have you?

Have you similarly said, "I can't wait to show off my outfit when I stand in front of a sheet"?

I guess those are all the stupid things I have to tell you.


Oh, this is so embarrassing.


Sometimes some nice person will email me, and say they just read all my archives, or that they just love my blog or whatever, and they always leave the caveat that they ARE NOT A STALKER, just wanted to tell me.

And here is why they never need to leave that caveat.

I love Miss Doxie. God knows I do. I am not going to link to her because I hope she NEVER SEES THIS, but if you Google Miss Doxie you'll see her blog, which she hasn't updated since like November of last year.

I am afraid that I was Googling around yesterday, and I may have found Miss Doxie's wedding website. Yes, she is marrying that cute guy, the one she met after she broke up with that Dukay, who was never good enough for her, if you want my opinion.

Okay, who sat there and read every word of her wedding website, which was none of my business but rather for INVITED GUESTS of her wedding? And no, I will not link us all to it. I was shameful enough doing it my own self.

But the good news is, she is happy and getting married soon and that guy is hot, if you ask me. And he likes cats. You can't ask for more than that in a man.

So really. I will never think any of you are remotely stalkers. Because have you met my restraining order?

Maybe I should go to Miss Doxie's wedding and take photos with my iPhone!!

78 thoughts on “June goes bi

  1. I just found this>>>>>>>. WOW
    Sign of our times: sadly, Miss Mary Ann was assaulted and robbed in a parking lot in the City of Industry on December 17, 2003.
    The thieves made off with nothing less than the Magic Mirror itself! The seriousness of this crime notwithstanding, what chaos can we expect now that crooks are in control of the magic mirror? The ability to see into June’s home at will is something every criminal dreams of. I beleive they are now known as stalkers. Oh, the worst of blog readers.
    The former Romper Room hostess feared the mirror was lost forever – “I’m sure those hoodlums who did this just looked at the mirror and said, ‘What in the world is this,’ and just discarded it,” King told the LA Times. (She wasn’t seriously injured.)
    They were don’t bees……..


  2. Ya, thanks for linking to and showing me the awesomeness that is Miss Doxie’s blog so I could suffer with you when she never posted again.


  3. Wait. what? Wasn’t the Magic Mirror a tennis racket? And I heard my name all the time, probably every day.
    LOVED my Jane West doll. And her plastic vest and I think a holster (?) or did just Johnny get a holster. And her horse.
    Pretty much every one of your blog posts bring out some long buried memory.


  4. Hmm, I have had no problems with my bifocals. They are lineless. they are a pretty weak prescription, maybe that is why. I wear them only at work so I don’t have to put on/take off glasses all day while using the computer and reading things. At home I just use cheapo readers.


  5. I hate that I feel bloggers are obligated to post.  They are so not, but I get so frustrated when they don’t. 
    “it’s noon! How could June not have a post up yet?!?”
    I’m glad Miss Doxie is well and getting married.  Unlike a lot of you I had no qualms about stalking her, and I’m totally bragging to say I found her wedding page in about two minutes, and I wish she would start posting again.  
    June, you should totally go to her wedding.  In fact I will go with you.  We could entertain all the guests with stories of Leigh as a child.


  6. um. This romper room business is confusing me. Milk truck magic mirror…sounds crazy. And I didn’t use a comma in that last sentence on purpose…to get back at youse guys for the Romper Room stuff. I hate being left out.
    SO…watch me change the subject to ME!
    I’ve had bifocals since third grade. My first pair of glasses were purple wire frames with a rhinestone butterfly on the right corner. One of the rhinestones fell out half way through the school year, so there went my illusions of grandeur.
    Anyway, maybe you should have purchased a pair with rhinestone butterflies.
    By the way, this post was “awesome” and I totally “laughed my socks off”.
    “Good job”. No, “seriously”!


  7. Great post – I’m thrilled I discovered your blog today. This is part of the problem with mainstream, national media trying to discuss events and people that they really don’t know the details about, and don’t bother to research. Not to mention their biases that you and some of the readers listed. And no question that there is a double standard between the NBA and just about every other sport, especially the NFL.


  8. I want an iPhone, too. *Sigh* Am waiting on Verizon to make that happen.
    I was reading this last night on my blackberry, from which I am only able to comment on some blogs but not all. I cannot comment on this blog from my phone. Anyhow, I was cracking up and kept telling my husband he needed to read this post, but he was too interested in watching Bait Car.


  9. JUNE! FOCUS! What happened at the headache place??
    Also NOW I’ve stalked Miss Doxie’s wedding and almost feel obligated to send a gift from her registry.
    And I heart Heart HEART Francis.


  10. JUNE! FOCUS! What happened at the headache place??
    Also NOW I’ve stalked Miss Doxie’s wedding and almost feel obligated to send a gift from her registry.
    And I heart Heart HEART Francis.


  11. JUNE! FOCUS! What happened at the headache place??
    Also NOW I’ve stalked Miss Doxie’s wedding and almost feel obligated to send a gift from her registry.
    And I heart Heart HEART Francis.


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