June goes bi

Hundred

Hello, young whippersnapper. I am trying to type you with my #$&&$@ new bifocals. Would you like a bottle of sassafras? Say, isn't that the calliope I hear? Let me get my big hearing tube.

Eh
The circus must be a-comin'!

Okay, I do not know why I am an old folky type lady. All I know is the world HAS TWO LEVELS right now and I don't like EITHER ONE of them.

But you know what's nice? The part where I can read things now with my glasses on. Hunh. Who knew bifocals would help with that? I thought it was just to humiliate me and remind me that death is the next step.

I wonder what swear word "#$&&$@" is, exactly. I think "frogsucking," which isn't technically a swear, but that's what I see when I see "#$&&$@."

The eyeglasses guy told me to stay off ladders and roofs this weekend, as my depth perception will be off. So there goes that cat burglaring I had planned.

In the meantime, while I get used to the part where THE BOTTOM OF THE WORLD IS OUT OF FOCUS, oh, wait, now it's not, NOW IT IS, oh, there we go, I am still completely in love with my iPhone. This is the best $99 I ever spent. Plus $60 a month for the next two years. But it's SO WORTH IT. Don't you think Mel Gibson paid a lot more for Oksana Boyul or whatever her name was, and look how that turned out. This relationship is much better.

 

Pizza

For example, yesterday at lunch I got annoyed by the restaurant serving "pizza." Was it pizza or wasn't it? Were we just gonna play house, and I would get an empty plate? Was it going to be lamb chops and we were gonna call it pizza? What?

So I took a picture and shot it right off to Sleeping Beauty WITH MY PHONE.

Oldlu

Not want your fancee fone in muzzle one.more.time, mom. Lu get Pit Bull on yer arse.

Also? Because who doesn't want this? You can take 800 photos of your dog, who is totally over you, and make them look like old faded Instamatic pictures. 

OLD FADED INSTAMATICS!!

 

Towers
Then? I went to the farmers market with my next-cubicle neighbor at work, Jane West–whose name is not remotely Jane West, but when I asked her what she wanted her name to be on my blog she went into this whole explanation of what she wanted it to be, but mentioned in passing that she used to play with a Jane West doll as a child so I am ignoring whatever she said and her name on my blog is Jane West–and I took this picture of the RJR Tobacco, or, inexplicably, TOB.C, towers. It's not like they didn't have enough room on those towers to write the whole word. Did they just get bored?

The point is, TOOK IT WITH MY PHONE.

What the RJR Tob.C people need are some wires.

You'd think it was 1997, wouldn't you, as excited as I am getting about taking pictures with my ding-dang phone.

 

Frannyboop

I just took this here photo right now. Guess how.

Jane

And just so you won't have to Google it, here's a Jane West doll. This is exactly how my coworker dresses every day. Particularly with the uterus pack. What is going on with Jane's uterus, there?

Really, have you ever once in your life said, "I think I'll pull on my completely turquoise ensemble, the one that cradles my uterus so nicely, and then slip over it my teensy brown vest. It'll go so nicely with my Price Valiant bob."

Have you?

Have you similarly said, "I can't wait to show off my outfit when I stand in front of a sheet"?

I guess those are all the stupid things I have to tell you.

Except.

Oh, this is so embarrassing.

Okay.

Sometimes some nice person will email me, and say they just read all my archives, or that they just love my blog or whatever, and they always leave the caveat that they ARE NOT A STALKER, just wanted to tell me.

And here is why they never need to leave that caveat.

I love Miss Doxie. God knows I do. I am not going to link to her because I hope she NEVER SEES THIS, but if you Google Miss Doxie you'll see her blog, which she hasn't updated since like November of last year.

I am afraid that I was Googling around yesterday, and I may have found Miss Doxie's wedding website. Yes, she is marrying that cute guy, the one she met after she broke up with that Dukay, who was never good enough for her, if you want my opinion.

Okay, who sat there and read every word of her wedding website, which was none of my business but rather for INVITED GUESTS of her wedding? And no, I will not link us all to it. I was shameful enough doing it my own self.

But the good news is, she is happy and getting married soon and that guy is hot, if you ask me. And he likes cats. You can't ask for more than that in a man.

So really. I will never think any of you are remotely stalkers. Because have you met my restraining order?

Maybe I should go to Miss Doxie's wedding and take photos with my iPhone!!

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Author: June

At one point, I was sort of hot, in a "she's 27 and probably a 7" kind of a way. Now I'm old and have to develop a charming personality. Guess how that's going.

78 thoughts on “June goes bi”

  1. Okay…just so I won’t feel like a stalker…I’m posting my first comment today!!! Hahahaha! I love your blog and read it every day or is it everyday? Darn…I’ll have to go back through your archives again to remind myself. Anyway…I never comment b/c everyone posts such witty comments and I can’t ever think of anything clever. Today your turquoise uterus pack made me laugh out loud! Thanks for the smile you bring me everyday…every day??

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  2. That “pizza” reminded me that every time I get a birthday card from my mom, it says “Kathy” and it causes me to wonder if my name really is Kathy. That my mom is keeping my real name a secret. See what fun your iphone is?

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  3. I love the picture of Lu, it looks so Instamatic! I’m sitting in “the room” glancing around to see if there is a vintage Instamatic. Nope. There are thirty cameras in my line of sight, but no Instamatic. I need an Instamatic.
    A bit off topic here, but what do you call a room when you don’t have a conventional living room and a family room, but just one room? Can’t see calling it a great room because the size doesn’t lend to calling it such. I’ll be damned to call it a TV room. I deplore the TV in the room! Can you watch TV on the iPhone?

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  4. Oh, I have so much to say.
    First of all, when I read the title of the post, all I could see of the rest of it was that old lady picture, and I thought, “She’s probably not worth going bi over.” If I was going to make that switch, I would probably do it for someone who wasn’t ancient.
    Second, this almost made me spray my mouthful of cereal on the computer screen: “The eyeglasses guy told me to stay off ladders and roofs this weekend, as my depth perception will be off. So there goes that cat burglaring I had planned.”
    Third, Kathy – my grandmother does that too on birthday cards. She writes “Happy Birthday” on the front, and occasionally puts my name in there too. Doesn’t she want me to enjoy my birthday? Was I really born on another day?
    Finally, I recently discovered the “Blog” of “Unnecessary” Quotation Marks. It’s what it sounds like. June, you could submit your “pizza” sign. The recent one about “Canada Day” was especially funny. http://www.unecessaryquotes.com
    My Honey Bunches of Oats are now soggy because I just had to comment before I finished eating.

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  5. I love Miss Doxie too! I am so glad she is getting married to the guy who loves cats. I was so happy when she posted again last year, and so hopeful for more posts. Maybe once she gets married? When is the big day?
    P.S. My condolences on the whole bifocal thing. That must suck. But the whole seeing what you are reading must be quite nice for a change!

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  6. I spewed my Honey Nut Cheerios at Jane West and her “Price Valiant” bob. Did I use those quotation marks correctly??
    I love you guys! And now I really want to go stalk down Miss Doxie and look at her hot fiance who likes cats, but I won’t.
    No, really…I won’t.

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  7. Funny, funny stuff today – I too thought June made a bad choice going “bi” with a 100 year old lady.
    I am going to go check out doggie day care but just know I am in no way stalking Talu.

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  8. Laurie – my grandmother called it the “den.”
    Still jealous of the iphone, which I will never be able to afford because I cannot stop buying shoes.
    “I think I’ll pull on my completely turquoise ensemble, the one that cradles my uterus so nicely, and then slip over it my teensy brown vest. It’ll go so nicely with my Price Valiant bob.” = Perfection

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  9. I was just at the eye doctor yesterday and dodged the bi-focal bullet.

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  10. I was just at the eye doctor yesterday and dodged the bi-focal bullet.

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  11. I was just at the eye doctor yesterday and dodged the bi-focal bullet.

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  12. I don’t have a “Katie” story, but when my husband and I got married, his mom gave us a card. And even though none of her kids live at home, she signed all of their names on it. Including my husband’s. “Love Sandy, Harold, Micah, JESSE, Jaime, Ian, Vincent.” I wonder what else he’s signed. And yes, she had lots of children because she COULD NOT KEEP IT IN HER PANTS.

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  13. June – the webcam says I must have log in information.
    Also, totally stalk-erish that I had another dream about you. (I did tell you about the last dream I had of you, right?) Anyway, I was hanging out at my aunt’s work place and guess who came in as her new assistant? You! I said “June!” and you looked shocked because of course we all know that June is not your real name. I will say that you looked hip and awesome and had the Coco Chanel haircut.
    Here’s the real shocker. You brought your adopted Indian daughter(from India not the plains of America) to work with you. Oh June, you had kept this secret from all the readers. She was 8ish and had been physically abused by her father. She had scars on her shoulder.
    Oh, and in the dream that work place was so cool. We went to a party and I ended up seeing Eartha Kitt. A young EK. I told EK that I had run into Brad Pitt several times that day and just being in his vicinity…
    Such wild and vivid dreams. You. Eartha Kitt. Brad Pitt. And not to mention your adopted daughter!

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  14. Laurie, maybe you could tell people “this is our okay room, because it’s not big enough to be a great room.”
    Furry, mu husband just got progressives and they are driving him nuts too. He wants to switch to bifocals. I’ll tell him other folk have the same problem. I’ve had my progressives for about a year and love them, so he isn’t getting a lot of sympathy from me.
    I love your everyday blog every ding dang day.

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  15. Gurl, you are one funny, wackadoodle chickie. I am sorry that work has kept me from missing the party lately.
    If you don’t like glasses, pray for cataracts. I can drive without glasses now for the first time in 20 years. Woo hoo.

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  16. The iPhone is a fabulous invention. I told the husband I HAD to have it when it first came out and he scoffed. I bought it anyway and it has saved our rear ends several times with GPS, internet look up, etc.
    I’m glad Miss Doxie is getting married and is happy. I would love if she would begin posting regularly again.

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  17. That “Instamatic” shot almost has me running out for an iPone/iPhone. Love it! Is it really $60 per month, or is it “$60” (plus all the ding-dang fees and taxes)?

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  18. Bifocals are great, but trifocals are better. They allow you to see the computer screen with that middle lens which I’m looking through right now as I type and the screen is in focus. I LOVE my trifocals.
    You crack me up. Very good photo of all those wires. I’m hoping to see those when we visit our friend in W-S. I know we can talk him into taking us to the market.
    You are right, “…he likes cats and you can’t ask for more in a man…”

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  19. I do not know, Gin, because this is my first beautiful month with the iPhone, that first month where you are all attracted and all you want to do is have sex. Im dialing you with my kegels! Anyway, I think it is straight $60.

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  20. I had a Jane West!!! I did! I did! And I had these little twin girls who looked just like Jane who were called Josie and somebody else, I don’t remember. And they were in turquoise blue, too. I can’t remember if there were any uterus problems with them. But hey, Jane had twins. That probably does lend itself to enlarged uteruses. My brothers had Johnny West and we had horses and I loved those blue plastic dolls.
    I just got an iPhone, too after turning my nose up at my husband’s for several years now. My family teases me constantly because I am so addicted to that thing. I love it so very much.
    I can’t speak of the bifocals since I don’t have the problem yet. God must be making it up to me for gifting me with near blindness.

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  21. Do you stalk me and see that anything written about me on the interwebs has something to do with the fact that I said we “accounted for shrinkage” when measuring the size of a giant dead hog?

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  22. No, Sleeping. Because I know you in real life and therefore do not need to stalk you. However, if stalking you on Google would tell us how that guy saw you naked at Homecoming, I would totally look it up.

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  23. I am a stalker, too, and just peed in my pants about the kegel dialing! That was just not right.
    PS. I am dying for an Ipone, too, but am waiting for Verizon to support it.

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  24. Lauren – Just put “guest” in for both the user and password and it’ll work.
    Dawn – Den is a word I haven’t heard in years. Feels like I should have a pack of wolves, kids or dogs and all I have are dust bunnies.
    Jen – I think the okay room idea is a winner. I’m okay, you’re okay and here’s the room, okay?
    June – Is there really only one bed at the day care? There’s a mutt that seems to be hogging the bed. Where’s the ball, Lu needs a ball.

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  25. Tiffaney who was doing just fine with lalalalalalala I can't hear you, "iPhone" until June posted her ding dang pictures. See what I did there? bwahahaha! says:

    Great. Now I HAVE to get an iPhone. This is all Sue’s fault.

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  26. Tiffaney who was doing just fine with lalalalalalala I can't hear you, "iPhone" until June posted her ding dang pictures. See what I did there? bwahahaha! says:

    Great. Now I HAVE to get an iPhone. This is all Sue’s fault.

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  27. Tiffaney who was doing just fine with lalalalalalala I can't hear you, "iPhone" until June posted her ding dang pictures. See what I did there? bwahahaha! says:

    Great. Now I HAVE to get an iPhone. This is all Sue’s fault.

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  28. I lost it with the uterus and prince valiant hair. My nephews had that hair when they were little.
    I find it funny that after all the advances in photography and all the high tech gadgets we have now that we now decide we want our photos to looks like it was taken with a Kodak Instamatic with the magic cube flash bulbs.
    I am picturing you on a roof in all black about to do some cat burglaring. Where did this phrase come from? Are people doing the burglarizing or are cats? Are they related to the ham burglar?
    Oh, and my Ms Doxie wedding search, to see good looking guy, came up with you.

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  29. Rumpus room…. cuz if its big enough for your rumpus….
    June, why do you need to burgle you cats? Why did ol’Henry, charming Fran or my man Win, do?
    (I can see you through the win-do)… now that sounds stalkerish..

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  30. I would love an iPhone except I hate and loathe AT&T so that right there is a dealbreaker.
    Yay, a Francis photo! And he’s off his Angry Chair, too!
    I’ve never heard of Jane West as I was a Barbie Girl, living in a Barbie World. Was Jane West the Female Companion of Big Jim? She’s got that rugged look about her uterus packet.

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  31. Cosmo’s Dad, Rumpus room sounds too much like Romper Room. That name would constantly remind me there really are no magic mirrors. Sniff. “Romper, bomper, stomper boo. Tell me, tell me, tell me, do. Magic Mirror, tell me today, have all my friends had fun at play?” I was a Do Be good girl who would always smile for the magic mirror.

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  32. I don’t know how you can figure out how to stalk Miss Doxie so effectively when I’ve been reading this blog every day for a year or more and I still can’t figure out your actual Facebook page. I’m in awe of your mad stalky skills.

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  33. Laurie, I hope Miss Maryann called out your name as a do bee.
    On the other hand, a living room almost sounds as if the walls are breathing….

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  34. Kelly, I did march around straight and tall on the linoleum floor of our family room. I just knew Miss Maryann could see me!

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  35. Hey Kelly… the man I work for is still wounded that Miss Maryann never called his name. So much so that I have googled it to see if an episode with his name might exist because his name is pretty common. His grandpa was very sweet, however, and fashioned him a mirror just like Miss Maryann’s.

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  36. Jan, I just Googled and discovered there were several different hostesses over the years. I probably am wrong in remembering Miss Maryann. I would certainly like to think I was not watching this show at age 10 when Miss Maryann first started hosting the show. 🙂

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  37. Laurie one time when I lived in Portland (Gresham) the Smithsonian visited with a history display. I was not amused. Most of the display was of events that happened in MY lifetime.Sigh. says:

    twelve- You poor YOUNG dear! I guess you would only know about Romper Room via history books. Lucky you!

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  38. Am I the only one who wanted to drive the milk truck? Great, Maryann, June, this chicks name is going to bug me. Think think think. I have to remember.

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  39. It was Miss Marsha when I watched and I coveted one of those little cardboard cars that the kids got to pretend drive around in. Well, actually they carried them but still I WANTED one.
    She only called my name once.
    I think I found the pictures of that Doxie person and if that is her guy…I don’t think he is that hot.

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  40. Miss Joan was my Romper Room lady and I was a Do Bee, not a Don’t Bee. And she said my name once or twice.

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  41. Miss Joan was my Romper Room lady and I was a Do Bee, not a Don’t Bee. And she said my name once or twice.

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  42. Miss Joan was my Romper Room lady and I was a Do Bee, not a Don’t Bee. And she said my name once or twice.

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  43. I just found this>>>>>>>. WOW
    Sign of our times: sadly, Miss Mary Ann was assaulted and robbed in a parking lot in the City of Industry on December 17, 2003.
    The thieves made off with nothing less than the Magic Mirror itself! The seriousness of this crime notwithstanding, what chaos can we expect now that crooks are in control of the magic mirror? The ability to see into June’s home at will is something every criminal dreams of. I beleive they are now known as stalkers. Oh, the worst of blog readers.
    The former Romper Room hostess feared the mirror was lost forever – “I’m sure those hoodlums who did this just looked at the mirror and said, ‘What in the world is this,’ and just discarded it,” King told the LA Times. (She wasn’t seriously injured.)
    They were don’t bees……..

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  44. Ya, thanks for linking to and showing me the awesomeness that is Miss Doxie’s blog so I could suffer with you when she never posted again.

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  45. Wait. what? Wasn’t the Magic Mirror a tennis racket? And I heard my name all the time, probably every day.
    LOVED my Jane West doll. And her plastic vest and I think a holster (?) or did just Johnny get a holster. And her horse.
    Pretty much every one of your blog posts bring out some long buried memory.

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  46. Hmm, I have had no problems with my bifocals. They are lineless. they are a pretty weak prescription, maybe that is why. I wear them only at work so I don’t have to put on/take off glasses all day while using the computer and reading things. At home I just use cheapo readers.

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  47. I hate that I feel bloggers are obligated to post.  They are so not, but I get so frustrated when they don’t. 
    “it’s noon! How could June not have a post up yet?!?”
    I’m glad Miss Doxie is well and getting married.  Unlike a lot of you I had no qualms about stalking her, and I’m totally bragging to say I found her wedding page in about two minutes, and I wish she would start posting again.  
    June, you should totally go to her wedding.  In fact I will go with you.  We could entertain all the guests with stories of Leigh as a child.

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  48. um. This romper room business is confusing me. Milk truck magic mirror…sounds crazy. And I didn’t use a comma in that last sentence on purpose…to get back at youse guys for the Romper Room stuff. I hate being left out.
    SO…watch me change the subject to ME!
    I’ve had bifocals since third grade. My first pair of glasses were purple wire frames with a rhinestone butterfly on the right corner. One of the rhinestones fell out half way through the school year, so there went my illusions of grandeur.
    Anyway, maybe you should have purchased a pair with rhinestone butterflies.
    By the way, this post was “awesome” and I totally “laughed my socks off”.
    “Good job”. No, “seriously”!

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  49. Great post – I’m thrilled I discovered your blog today. This is part of the problem with mainstream, national media trying to discuss events and people that they really don’t know the details about, and don’t bother to research. Not to mention their biases that you and some of the readers listed. And no question that there is a double standard between the NBA and just about every other sport, especially the NFL.

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  50. I want an iPhone, too. *Sigh* Am waiting on Verizon to make that happen.
    I was reading this last night on my blackberry, from which I am only able to comment on some blogs but not all. I cannot comment on this blog from my phone. Anyhow, I was cracking up and kept telling my husband he needed to read this post, but he was too interested in watching Bait Car.

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  51. JUNE! FOCUS! What happened at the headache place??
    Also NOW I’ve stalked Miss Doxie’s wedding and almost feel obligated to send a gift from her registry.
    And I heart Heart HEART Francis.

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  52. JUNE! FOCUS! What happened at the headache place??
    Also NOW I’ve stalked Miss Doxie’s wedding and almost feel obligated to send a gift from her registry.
    And I heart Heart HEART Francis.

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  53. JUNE! FOCUS! What happened at the headache place??
    Also NOW I’ve stalked Miss Doxie’s wedding and almost feel obligated to send a gift from her registry.
    And I heart Heart HEART Francis.

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