Just put your lips together and blow

This is one of my favorite scenes from a movie. It's Almost Famous.

Marvin worked on this movie. I got to go to the wrap party. He told me people got all dressed up for wrap parties, so I wore a taffeta skirt and patent-leather wedges.

Everyone had on jeans and tank tops. I looked like an idiot.

But Peter Frampton was there! He kind of stared at my taffeta skirt.

The good news for you is, this is the last weekend you have to hear me bitching about having to work on freelance stuff. I mean, other than when the statistics textbook company gives me work. I can't quit ALL my freelance work. It's like prostitution or stripping. It's hard to give up all that extra cash. I know each and every one of you know what I mean about the prostitution and stripping. You bunch of minxes. Particularly that stripper Target Steve.

Oh, was that a secret?

CouchDo you like this couch? Or does it look like Fred Flintstone's couch? Because we are thinking of getting it with the $$ I make from this job I am currently doing that is killing me.

I worked until 9:30 last night when I realized I was not paying any attention to what I was reading anymore. I told Marvin I was going to bed and he had his usual reaction to when I announce I am going to bed, which is to act like I just said I was auditioning for the NFL.

You probably don't "audition" for the NFL, do you? See. This is why they never call me back.

"You're going to BED?" He says this every time, as though normally I am a vampire or have been an insomniac for 18 years or an astronaut who sleeps upright or something.

Today I plan to work for eight hours, then we are supposed to go to a party, but I may be decidedly cranky by then. Plus? And I know I never really talk about this a lot, but I do not drink, and last night I had a dream that I was talking on the phone and I looked down, and I was sitting there slugging down a giant glass of wine without realizing it. So instead of going to a party I may have to pop in to a certain meeting I like to attend from time to time.

But before I go, I wanted to tell you about the woman who irked me.

I went to lunch the other day, and I was joyfully eating my french dip, because I'm healthy, and also reading the paper, when I noticed someone was speaking at the top of their lungs.

It was this woman at another table. "WHY DIDN'T YOU GUYS TELL ME YOU WERE GOING DOWN TO LUNCH! I WOULD HAVE COME DOWN TO LUNCH TOO! HA HA!"

She was wearing a suit, and in my building at work, my company (yes, I own it now. I climbed up that ladder fast, didn't I?) takes up two floors, and the rest of the floors are bank corporate offices. This is hilarious because our building therefore consists of people in (a) really formal suits (no business casual for the banking business, apparently) and then (ix) my company, in our shorts and sparkly shrugs and ironic Tshirts and so forth. There is really never any question whether someone at that restaurant or on the elevator works for my company or the bank.

So this loud woman in her business suit was chatting maniacally at these similarly suited men, who looked peaked at the idea of being caught by her. I tried to ignore her and go back to my hard-hitting article about Laura Linney, but she kept TALKING. Loudly. And clearly thinking she was funny, with her dramatic gesturing. OH, she was bugging.

Then they saw a truck that didn't know where to pull in, and I'm lyin' I'm dyin', this woman steps into the alley, puts her stupid fingers in her lips, and lets out the loudest, piercingest whistle you have ever.heard.

That is when it hit me.

She was me.

She was DYING for attention. She thought she was the funniest person alive, and was doing all she could to prove it to the world. You know, they always say the people who bug us most are the people who remind us of ourselves.

Oh, the humanity. Am I really that obnoxious?

You should have seen me that afternoon when I returned from lunch. I was as silent as the tomb. I was as meek as Melanie Hamilton. Oh, I tried not to be that woman. I do not want to be that horrid woman.

At least I don't know how to WHISTLE like that. God, she was dreadful.

So that's my story. I am Carole Lombard without the looks. Or Clark Gable.

Comment of the week goes to my friend Sleeping Beauty, which is really gonna irk my friend Pal from MA, who was funny in the comments recently but I refused to give her the award, the coveted award, of comment of the week, because it would look like nepotism or something because I know her in real life. And now here I am awarding Sleeping Beauty, who I know in real life.

There goes 43 years of friendship down the tubes. I mean, we were on the edge of losing it when we were five and I insisted there was no "G" in the alphabet, but we got through that rough patch. Now it has come to this.

56 thoughts on “Just put your lips together and blow

  1. Your faithful readers are nothing, if not honest. With that thought, I have to tell you, I am not particularly fond of that couch. I don’t believe it would accent the tone you have in your pretty blue living room. Unless it’s going in another room? Like Talu’s rumpus room?

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  2. Now, see, I think that’s a great couch. I would love it with your blue walls. The design is happy and a little wacky, so it suits your personality. The throw pillows should go on another chair. Replace them with something else.
    My house is a riot of patterns and color, though, so there’s that. I am NOT conservative.
    And the debate begins…
    BTW, June. You should check out the cat rancher on my blog. I could see you doing the same in your dotage…

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  3. I like the couch, but don’t think it would go with the rest of your furniture.
    That woman does sound very annoying. I don’t think it means that you act the same. We went to watch a movie yesterday and had the loud talker/laugher/commenter and I was ready to shoot them. I am the most quiet moviegoer and watcher, I don’t talk, don’t laugh superloud and eat popcorn with my mouth closed. Oh how I hate loud popcorn eaters. They shovel an entire handfull in their mouth and then crunch down with their mouth wide open…drives me crazy. What were we talking about again?

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  4. Were you planning on playing Twister on the couch? If so, I love it.
    Of course I also love stripping, so can you really take my word for it.
    I do not have to work at The Target this weekend, so I am off to buy a new pole and work on my act. I will also need to buy some muscles, baby oil, shaving creme, guy liner, hair gel, and a banana hammock. By the time I spend all this money, netting a profit is going to be difficult.

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  5. Sorry, I don’t think the couch is a good idea. I love it but you will probably get tired of it quickly and then you either have to replace it (expensive!) or you’re stuck with a couch you hate. Hate to sound so grandma-ish (but I am a grandma) but maybe a solid color sofa and then some wild pillows – much easier to replace when you want to make changes. Just saying….

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  6. I think this couch will be perfect. I’m thinking you lean towards retro vintage. From what I have gleaned from pictures of your home this couch would be ideal. The style and pattern will also complement your chair (which I so want!)that is placed near your shelving. Another positive is that this style of couch is very easy to reupholster should you tire of the pattern. Thumbs up!!!

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  7. Buy the couch. It’s hip…it’s cool…it’s funky fresh. I would buy that couch. I’m a freak for green.
    You are not obnoxious. You are hilarious & quick with the wit. That’s a good lunch combo.

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  8. I am on the fence about the couch. I love the colors and pattern, but wonder if it is just a little “modern” (put that in quotes there for ya June). I am very much unsure. The true test would be how does it hold up to cat/dog hair? If the hair will be unnoticeable get that sucker immediately.

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  9. The couch? Not so much. From experience I can tell you that you will soon tire of so much pattern and wonder why you spent all that $$ and now feel like you have to keep it for the next 50 years. Buy something in a neutral and go for all the funky and pattern you want in pillows.

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  10. The couch is great, but I wouldn’t get it. I once purchased a couch because I loved the pattern of the upholstery. But, I didn’t have the cash flow to replace it for several years and I got realllly tired of that ‘lovely’ pattern. If’n I were you I would get a solid color couch and find pillows of the colors you really like. And/or maybe also too, a patterned throw. Of course if you would keep all those ding and also dang free lance jobs you will be able to replace your couch every 6 months. In that case, go ahead and get the couch!

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  11. I’d go for a solid colored couch and then do it up right with a bunch of cool pillows. Or pillys, as I like to call them.
    Also, you are not that annoying lady who whistles.

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  12. The couch pattern hurts my eyes. I’d go for a solid color and use throw pillows in crazy patterns but that’s just me.
    Target Stripper Steve, a couple of years ago my husband was at a bar that had a brass pole and after a few beers (pitchers), he decided to “perform.” He ended up with quite a bit of cash, mostly from people who paid him to please stop. Either way, he came out ahead.
    The loudmouth banker lady? Sadly, I was her back in my 20’s. Although I never worked in a bank. Now that I’m in my 40’s, I’ve become more refined but I can still whistle like a longshoreman.

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  13. The couch pattern hurts my eyes. I’d go for a solid color and use throw pillows in crazy patterns but that’s just me.
    Target Stripper Steve, a couple of years ago my husband was at a bar that had a brass pole and after a few beers (pitchers), he decided to “perform.” He ended up with quite a bit of cash, mostly from people who paid him to please stop. Either way, he came out ahead.
    The loudmouth banker lady? Sadly, I was her back in my 20’s. Although I never worked in a bank. Now that I’m in my 40’s, I’ve become more refined but I can still whistle like a longshoreman.

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  14. The couch pattern hurts my eyes. I’d go for a solid color and use throw pillows in crazy patterns but that’s just me.
    Target Stripper Steve, a couple of years ago my husband was at a bar that had a brass pole and after a few beers (pitchers), he decided to “perform.” He ended up with quite a bit of cash, mostly from people who paid him to please stop. Either way, he came out ahead.
    The loudmouth banker lady? Sadly, I was her back in my 20’s. Although I never worked in a bank. Now that I’m in my 40’s, I’ve become more refined but I can still whistle like a longshoreman.

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  15. I like the couch. I think, from the pictures you have shown us of your home, it will add to the whimsy.
    Who knew Target Steve was Stripper Target Steve? Where can we catch the act? And although I think Tiny Dancer is a good song, I think it might not be the best song for a male stripper. It might suggest that the dancer is um… tiny. Therefore, hindering your tips. Just trying to help a brother out. There is a srip club not far from here named The Silver Slipper. If I were to strip, I think I would want to at a place with a name like that. It evokes images of Cinderella’s glass slipper. At least for me. It probably evokes other images for the men who frequent it.

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  16. LOVED that movie. I may have to search out and buy that now that you’ve reminded me of it. What did Marvin do when he worked on that movie?
    The couch is a little busy for me, but, hey, it’s your living room. Whoever said that throw pillows in that pattern on a solid couch has taste more like mine.
    Congratulations on finishing all the freelancing and regaining your life.

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  17. Hulk (Who had lined bifocals when he was in the seventh grade...as if I needed aNOTHER reason to get my daily beating...) says:

    I just found out today that the punctuation marks people use for swear words when they are writing? Are called “grawlix”.
    F@%$ YEAH!

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  18. I like the idea of solid couch/fun patterned pillows myself. It’s an easy inexpensive way to be able to perk things up when you’re feeling like a change.
    And loving attention and being a total boor are two very different things. I perceive you as someone who enjoys connecting with people, which is a good way to be.
    And I read it as “peak-ed” like they were feeling slightly Ill to have been found by the loudmouth loon.

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  19. I personally like the funky couch. I would possibly get tired of it in a few years but that would just give me a reason to buy something new. I like the change. Well, not THE change…I can do without that.

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  20. Love, love, love the couch! And it has the added bonus of the pattern helping to hide grubby paw prints. Having four cats myself, that’s something I always take into consideration.

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  21. I like the sofa, davenport, couch. You won’t notice the pattern when you are sitting on it. That would be sort of like, what does the back of my head look like? Get it Scotchguarded. Are the cushions flippable?

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  22. The couch has almost all the colors of your pets AND the walls.
    I vote for pillows you can change with your mood or change with your pets colors and a neutralish (Talu’s color) couch.
    Oh, and Frampton probably was thinking maybe he could get into that skirt.
    A new draw to Target…..pole dancing…woohoo.

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  23. I have never seen that movie. Isn’t Kate Hudson in it? She bugs.
    You don’t have to tell ME about the way bankers dress. I have to wear HOSE even with STRAPPY SANDALS, remember? NO cropped pants. We’ve been down this road but I don’t think I admitted that I work in banking. Casual Friday? Bahahahahahaha.
    But you are not that woman and OH how I wish I could whistle like that.
    I like the couch but I agree that you will tire of it. Then again, my entire house is beige, just ASK MY DAUGHTER. (The one that day care raised.) But I have punches of color that I can move around, replace, etc. Also for the pet-having, I highly HIGHLY recommend leather furniture and YES I get the irony. But it’s not like I have a pet COW and/or a couch made from catskin. Less fur and less sneezing as besides having pets, I also have asthmatics.
    I decorated my bathroom in that color scheme (like the couch) but we don’t sit around in there and chat. None of which makes sense or relates. Sorry. My head is not working so well today.

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  24. I have never seen that movie. Isn’t Kate Hudson in it? She bugs.
    You don’t have to tell ME about the way bankers dress. I have to wear HOSE even with STRAPPY SANDALS, remember? NO cropped pants. We’ve been down this road but I don’t think I admitted that I work in banking. Casual Friday? Bahahahahahaha.
    But you are not that woman and OH how I wish I could whistle like that.
    I like the couch but I agree that you will tire of it. Then again, my entire house is beige, just ASK MY DAUGHTER. (The one that day care raised.) But I have punches of color that I can move around, replace, etc. Also for the pet-having, I highly HIGHLY recommend leather furniture and YES I get the irony. But it’s not like I have a pet COW and/or a couch made from catskin. Less fur and less sneezing as besides having pets, I also have asthmatics.
    I decorated my bathroom in that color scheme (like the couch) but we don’t sit around in there and chat. None of which makes sense or relates. Sorry. My head is not working so well today.

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  25. I have never seen that movie. Isn’t Kate Hudson in it? She bugs.
    You don’t have to tell ME about the way bankers dress. I have to wear HOSE even with STRAPPY SANDALS, remember? NO cropped pants. We’ve been down this road but I don’t think I admitted that I work in banking. Casual Friday? Bahahahahahaha.
    But you are not that woman and OH how I wish I could whistle like that.
    I like the couch but I agree that you will tire of it. Then again, my entire house is beige, just ASK MY DAUGHTER. (The one that day care raised.) But I have punches of color that I can move around, replace, etc. Also for the pet-having, I highly HIGHLY recommend leather furniture and YES I get the irony. But it’s not like I have a pet COW and/or a couch made from catskin. Less fur and less sneezing as besides having pets, I also have asthmatics.
    I decorated my bathroom in that color scheme (like the couch) but we don’t sit around in there and chat. None of which makes sense or relates. Sorry. My head is not working so well today.

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  26. HA! Sleeping Beauty can get comment of the week but not poor little moi? OH, the inequity!
    ATTICA! ATTICA! ATTICA!
    I forgive, June. I think we need to bring back the bald peenus for review. Or a special mention. Or a special award that only I could received like “Funniest commenter who used to dress just like June when we were 4.”
    That seems fair, right?

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  27. Couch cool but might get old. Like the one I have had for 14 years. I cannot make a decision on a new one. I wish the Nester was my neighbor because I could keep her busy after I revived her after she keeled over from shock and distaste at my current decor.
    I had a wine dream this week, too. In my dream, I was in my office at my middle school, swigging from a bottle of wine during the school day. In my dream, I received a sharp reprimand from the principal. Why oh why did I dream such an odd dream?

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  28. My youngest daughter watched Almost Famous over and over in the hospital after having an operation because she had thyroid cancer. My husband frantically went shopping to find that movie and the nurses kindly found a VCR for her to use. She still loves that movie, but I can’t watch it because of the memories of that scary time. Thank you Marvin. You never know how the work you do will bring happiness to someone you don’t even know. My sweet daughter continues to be healthy.

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  29. Oh and the rule is never buy patterned furniture or carpeting… it’s too hard to match things with and you can never change your decor unless you buy new things. Stick with solids and buy funky pillows or throws or something.

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  30. I like the colors, but the pattern is a bit hard on the eyes. But I don’t have to look at it every day.
    Why oh why would Marvin want to give up the movies and music life (Hello! Michael Jackson!!!!!)??? I guess teaching kids might be more… “noble”…?

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  31. Not so much the couch if it’s the truth you’re seeking. Unless you’ve got buckets of money to replace when you tire of it whenever that occurs….I have to keep stuff forever and a day cause we can’t afford to replace.
    And for pity’s sake, you are not that woman..sheez!
    Okay…is it peaked or piqued? I’m thinking piqued but who knows?

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  32. The couch sort of hurts my eyes. I don’t remember what else is in your room other than the blue walls. I am not an elephant. Though, some days I feel like one. Perhaps a bold chair instead. Not so in your face. That couch will remind you of the obnoxious woman at lunch.

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  33. Talu, who is my favorite blog dog ever (no hard feelings to Waffle on “whatever” because Waffle is adorable) would look AMAZING on that couch. Buy it.
    I apologize for the crappy sentence construction.

    Like

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