I was pleased that so many of you felt the same way I do about Julia Roberts. I figured everyone else thought she was just lovely and I was the only Crabby Appleton.
Here are other celebrities who make my nethers pucker up and twitch.
First of all, how many TEETH does she have? It's like she's wearing wax teeth to be funny or something. Plus also, I get annoyed at tomboys. Have never been a tomboy. Can never understand tomboys, with their naturally good bodies and their scratchy voices and their disdain for pink, sparkly things. And I didn't like how she got famous and dumped her weepy husband.
For the love of God, stop sucking a lemon.
Why must she always have this look on her face? Why did she have to play Yosemite Sam in Cold Mountain and take the camera off my personal boyfriend Jude Law for even a second? Why must she be skinny then not, then skinny, then not?
I know. Blaspheme. Everybody fricking loves her, and I have never gotten it. She looks like a gerbil to me, first of all, and she always seemed so affected. I mean, look at that ridiculous cigarette holder. She was no Jackie Kennedy, whose elegance was natural. You didn't see Jackie Kennedy with Frost 'n' Tip in her hair.
The moment that tipped me over the edge is when she's singing Moon River in Breakfast at Tiffany's, and she has that stupid bandanna. Oh, I just happen to have my hair in a bohemian bandanna right now while I sing this song.
Go back to Tiffany's. Get a job. And be nicer to your cat.
Ehhhhhh. I'm in the most popular series of vampire movies, ever. I am dating Robert Pattinson. Everything is awful. Ehhhhhhhhhh. Uhhhhhhhh. I can never ever smile. Have I mentioned ehhhhhhhh? Life is hard.
Nobody. In the world. Bugs me more than Gwyneth Paltrow. BUGS.ME. She looks like an egg. And she thinks she is so, so cool. And she isn't cool, because she is an egg. She never wears anything that flatters herself, mostly because how do you flatter an egg, and she ALWAYS HAS THAT SIMPERING LOOK ON HER FACE. She and Kirsten Stewart should get together and have an "ehhhh" off.
Of course, you know who I like. Grace Kelly, Jackie Kennedy, Sarah Jessica, Elizabeth Taylor. They all have an elegance. Well, Elizabeth Taylor isn't elegant so much as she is just inhumanly beautiful. And none of them get that egg, affected, lemon-sucking, tomboyish, ehhhh thing.
I'm glad we could all have this deep talk today.