Remember when Henry was just a little bitty bite of a kitten and he and Tallulah were the best of friends?
But Tallulah has never once complained. Apparently she has no idea she doesn't have to take this.
Despite all this cuteness and supposed gentleness of this dog, she was far from polite to the Shi Tzu who came over last night. Because you know how Talu enjoys her a small dog.
We have a neighbor who is 88, and she lives about five houses away. Every day she walks her cute Shi Tzu, and it is the nicest doggie. He never ever yaps or even gets excited in the slightest, actually. In fact, do you know I've never met a Shi Tzu I didn't like? You'd think Shi Tzus would be nervous bitey shiver-and-pee kinds of dogs, but in fact every one I have ever met is alarmingly calm.
Last night our doorbell rang, which always sends Tallulah into a frenzy as it is.
"WOOF! WOOFWOOFwoofwooofwoof! Grrrrrrrwooof!" said Talu, as I went to the door.
There was my poor neighbor and her Shi Tzu. I thought Tallulah's eyeballs were gonna spring out on coils.
"I've locked myself out of my house," said my neighbor, who is one of those old people who are in great shape. She walks fast and ramrod straight, always dressed neat as a pin, and is very smart. She was a teacher for 49 years. Last night, though, she looked addled.
"I can't believe I've done this. I have never done this," she said.
"WOOF! WOOFWOOFWOOFWOOF%$#$@&WOOF!" said Tallulah, her skeleton jumping out of her fur and back in again.
"Well, come in," I said, "we'll figure out what to do."
"GRRRRRR! WOWWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWYour momma's fat!RRRrrrrrrr!" said Tallulah, grabbing her hand gun and one of those round black bombs like they have on cartoons.
That was when I figured out poor Maxie the Shi Tzu could not just merrily stroll into my house. Tallulah had a knife in her teeth, all her fur was up her back like a mohawk, she had a Swastika arm band on all of a sudden and her fangs were actually glinting. I think she must have purchased some Acme Extra-Scary fangs that she had attached for just such a purpose. In case some dastardly LITTLE dog ever tried to darken her doorstep.
Marvin grabbed Tallulah by the collar and hauled her mohawky self outside. "WOOOWOOOWOOOWOOORRRRRRGetout!Getout!The sow is mine!!" she growled, standing on her hind stupid legs and pawing at the door.
Maxie the Shi Tzu sniffed our rug for a second, then sat down with a sigh. He could not have been more indifferent to the giant Pit mix plotting his demise on the other side of the door.
We decided to walk down and try to break into our neighbor's house. All the way down there, five houses away, we could hear that redunkulous dog barking her fool head off. Sure, the Shi Tzu had left her house, but now WE had left WITH IT! Were we adopting the Shi Tzu? Were we leaving to sign all the paperwork? Were we going to get more Shi Tzus? No matter what was happening, it was necessary to bark about it nonstop.
Anyway, eventually we ended up calling the neighbor's daughter, who had a key, thank God. Did I mention we never heard a peep out of Maxie the entire time? Did I mention he was good and sweet and unmoved by the entire experience?
By the time we got home Tallulah had constructed a dart board with Maxie's picture on it, and some sort of Maxie voodoo doll.
Maybe a new puppy is not such a stellar idea.
Comment of the week does not go to Tallulah, who had a lot of comments, but to Siren, for enjoying my fetal position. Take a look at This Week's Special to see.