Are you there, Ulta? It’s me, resentment.

I have many topics today, as opposed to the needle-sharp precision I usually have regarding my topics, so let's begin.

To differentiate my subjects today, instead of numbers or letters, I will use my personal fears as separators.

Choking. I cannot begin to tell you how irritated I am at Ulta. I will never never never go in there again. Not if they sell the Barry Gibb/Jude Law/baby leopard/sparkly Hello Kitty eye shadow set. Never. Again. Faithful and attentive readers will remember that they gave me an appointment card recently for a hair color appointment, then when I showed up, my hairdresser was on vacation.

If that weren't bad enough, the one stylist working could not fit me in. I had to ask to see a manager rather than just be offered one as I should have been, and only the retail manager was available. She assured me the salon manager would call me that weekend to make it up to me, maybe give me my hair color at a discount.

The salon manager never called.

I called Ulta THREE TIMES through the following week and the salon manager never returned my calls.

If that weren't enough to hate the place? Yesterday I opened my credit card bill and I had a charge for $29.95 for In Style magazine, which is affiliated with Ulta. Every time I go there they ask if I want In Style and I say no. Yet somehow they managed to charge me for it.

Have I mentioned I hate Ulta and even if they offered me free hair straightening for life I would no longer darken their doorstep? If they offered me a puppy a day for 30 days plus a Mini Cooper with sequins on it and nose reduction surgery? Okay, maybe if they offered me that.

Parasites. We should decide what book we want to read for book club. I had suggested we read something from our childhood and you all seemed down with that. Some readers suggested current kid's books, but see, I really wanted to take a trip back to my OWN childhood. So the books suggested that I can recall are:

The Wind in the Willows

James and the Giant Peach

Charlotte's Web

Little Women (and then there is a new book out written from the perspective of the dad while he is away that we could read after. The reader who suggested it said she still thinks about that book, she liked it so much)

Are You There God? It's Me Margaret.

I am certain you will let me know if I forgot any of your suggestions. Let's take votes through Saturday morning and then we will decide.

Barfing. You know I don't barf. {knock wood} I have not barfed since 1982, and I was drunk that time so it hardly counts. Hate the barfing. Anyway, my cats and my dog got collars. Francis did not get a collar, because he is old and infirm. But everyone who, you know, moves around got one.

Luckylu
Tallulah received two collars from Lucky Fiona, who Faithful Reader Lindy got me started on when she was nice enough to get Lu a collar in the spring.

Pally
This is the one fashionable Talu is sporting, The Pally. I also got her a pink collar with cherries on it.

Bitey
Here is our Talu trying to bite her new collars. Because she is grateful like that.

I got Winston and Henry collars from Miss Moustache, which sadly could be my name if I weren't married.

Henryirked
Henry has never had a collar before, I don't think. I was waiting for him to get big, which apparently is never going to happen. You can see how pleased he is. But doesn't he look jaunty in his argyle?

Buttcleaner
I would like you to concentrate on Winston's pretty stripey collar and the part where he is doing something untoward to Henry and not to my floor which is ALREADY FILTHY. Does anyone remember my cleaning episode from the other day? Hate.

Tarantulas. Tallulah's day care has a Facebook page now, and if you look at their info, below, who do you see? Who is that pretty blonde checking out the big dogs?

We are so proud of our little child model. Our little Brooke Shields. Bark Shields.

Anaphylactic shock. Wow, I think that is all I have to cover. You know I will get in the car to go to work and remember what else I wanted to tell you. I'll text you all while I'm careening down the freeway. Doesn't that sound like a good plan?

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Author: June

At one point, I was sort of hot, in a "she's 27 and probably a 7" kind of a way. Now I'm old and have to develop a charming personality. Guess how that's going.

61 thoughts on “Are you there, Ulta? It’s me, resentment.”

  1. I vote for Little Women. I would like to read that one again, and I’ve never heard of the book in the father’s point of view.

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  2. Well my book choice was not mentioned but I’m okay with that. My local teen peer pressure group has started me on the Hunger Games. Quite good mindless entertainment.
    I absolutely love how the cats collars are color coordinated! Esp adore hen’s.

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  3. I vote for either Little Women or The Wind in the Willows.
    That Ulta place sounds horrid. Aren’t they a chain? Why don’t you contact the national headquarters to complain? Maybe the terrible, worthless manager will get fired!!
    Love the collars – especially Henry’s!

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  4. We share a lot of fears June. Speaking of Barfing we were visiting my Grand-Uncle the other day and he was looking a little grey. We asked was he feeling okay and it turns out he had food poisoning the previous week and it was the first time he had ever puked. EVER. And he is 81 – he actually didn’t know what was happening at first. How mad is that!? Obviously he’s never been on a night out with me or he’d be hacking up the entire contents of his stomach the following day. So, turns out, projectile-vomit-based-hangovers are not genetic.
    I love all of the book choices – though I have never managed it before I might join in the book club this time. Last year for Christmas I got a collection of Roald Dahl childrens books and spent a few days re-living my childhood – it was the best!

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  5. Talu looks marvelous in her Pally collar. We have the cherry collar in my household as well. I love how cheerful it is. I vote for Are You There God, It’s Me Margaret? Nothing like a story filled with teen angst to bring back memories!

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  6. I suggested Little Women initially, so it still gets my vote.
    LOVE the collars…not sure what they have to do with barfing, but they’re very fetching.
    I would definitely be very vocal on the Ulta page about my displeasure – assuming that they have a page, of course. Bastards.

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  7. I love that picture of Talu chomping on her new collars! I love that big nose of hers. Nothing like a good doggie schnoz!
    Why is Talu on the inside of that fence all by her lonesome? She looks sad separated from her pals!

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  8. I’m not a fan of Ulta either. I think their advertising is intentionally deceptive. They place sale tags over items that are not for sale. The flyer that they mail out has a big picture of Philosophy products and a big 30% off and then when you read the fine print it’s nearly everything in the store except for Philisophy. Deceptive.
    Last time I was in there, a woman was complaining about her own In Style magazine fiasco.

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  9. Afraid of barfing? You are aFRAID of barfing? I don’t get that…
    Riley’s chin bumps are going away…maybe it was the plastic.

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  10. Afraid of barfing? You are aFRAID of barfing? I don’t get that…
    Riley’s chin bumps are going away…maybe it was the plastic.

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  11. Afraid of barfing? You are aFRAID of barfing? I don’t get that…
    Riley’s chin bumps are going away…maybe it was the plastic.

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  12. I am a Sephora girl myself but I don’t think they have a salon.
    I never have been in an Ulta.
    My In Style subscription is like $25 so they are too expensive anyway but you can dispute the credit card charge.
    I don’t barf at all either and I have trained my children not to. Not since they spit up as babies- no stomach flu nothing.
    Are You There God was a favorite as well as Deenie and Go Ask Alice.
    The collars are so cute, I will go check them out.

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  13. Oh My Stars!
    I was just in here reading your post and thinking, “I have never heard of ‘Ulta’ before reading June’s blog. Maybe it’s regional?”
    And then I walked down my front hall, bent over to pick something up, and as I started to straighten, my eye caught the wording on an open box that’s been sitting on our bench, waiting to mail out my husband’s latest e-bay sale.
    Do you know what it says?
    It says, in big black, all-caps lettering, “ULTA BEAUTY”.
    CA-RA-ZAY, huh?
    I have no idea where we got that box. I swear I’ve never heard of Ulta before you started getting rooked.
    You want me to beat it up for you?

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  14. Ohhhh … I would be LIVID too if that happened to my hair appointment. That is my one damn splurge and no one gets in between me and my hair appointments. We moved this summer so I drive an hour one way – every six weeks – to see my hair guy. He’s totally worth it. Hope you find another salon quickly!
    Little Women is my vote!
    I’m with you on throwing up!!! I threw up twice as a child. HATED the experience and never wanted to do it again. I went vomit free for 12 years … until my 21st b-day. Even then it wasn’t due to too much alcohol. Some asshole spiked one of my drinks (my friends took me home so I was fine). I was still able to drink hangover and vomit free for many years but not anymore. Thus, no more wild nights for me!
    Anaphylactic shock – are you allergic to anything?

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  15. HATE Ulta. Go to corporate, June. Let’s see if you can get some mileage out of your awful experience like Dooce. Maybe they’ll comp your next couple of treatments.
    LOVE Henry’s collar. That boy was born for argyle. So metrosexual.
    Becky, I think Sally Beauty sells Hot Tools (curling irons, dryers, straighteners). Or Amazon.

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  16. I’m totally done with the Ulta salon too. The last time I was there they had double booked my appt. The stylist was a maniac and told me she could work on us both. She washed my hair and put me under the dryer for quite a while. I had to threaten to leave, she than cut my hair dry. She told me my hair was a damaged mess and that I shouldn’t flat iron it. Then she flatironed it and told me I had good hair afer all. She then instructed the receptionist to book my next appointment in 5 weeks.

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  17. I’ve heard of Ulta but never been. Getting a good hairdresser is difficult, especially if they move around a lot. I have a good one now that can cut, color and style my hair in little over an hour. The previous one took over 3 (and I have short hair).
    Love the collars! I just got a kitty on Tuesday (he was dumped in someone’s front yard, how mean can you be?) and he is so affectionate. But as he is only 7 weeks old and likely to eat anything near his face, I’ll hold off on the collars for a while. If he doesn’t have FIV we are getting a baby girl kitty too. They can play together during the day and keep each other company.

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  18. When I was in high school, I grew up in the booming metropolis of Coos Bay, Oregon, which meant to go to a real hair salon or a department store you had to drive 2 1/2 hours at least. My mom made an appointment for me to get my hair done in Eugene with my senior pictures done in the same mall. When I showed up at Regis to get my hair done, I was informed my hair stylist was out that day. Surprised they didn’t call, I said, well… then can you cut my hair? And she was shocked and said maybe she could find someone. She was expecting me to leave! Look, lady. I need to get that bad haircut stat for my senior photos.

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  19. I’m with you on Ulta, although, I don’t know that I will never darken their door again. The last time I went, I walked in and the entire staff I think, was up front just chatting away. No hello, no can I help you, how are you, nothing. I went looking for two very specific things, I could not find them. I kept thinking well, surely one will ask me if I need help. Nope, not a one. I get to the register, with my one item I finally located, and the twitty make-up girl says, “find everything okay?” I replied “uh, no I didn’t” I wish I would have said what I wanted to say, “No you stupid girl, y’all were too busy gabbing to notice me, a customer, ya know, the one here to make your job possible!” I suppose, I should have just asked for help, but that’s not the point….

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  20. I’ve been volunteering at my kids’ school library a lot this year, since they got rid of the librarian position and are expecting the computer person to teach computers and check out books at the same time, and have noticed they still have a full shelf of Cleary books, most of which I never read. So if you don’t choose AYTG?IMM, I’m going to check it out myself. Along with Dear Mr. Henshaw. I want to see what I missed. I wasn’t a big fan of LW (actually prefered Little Men) but will give it a second chance if it is chosen.

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  21. i owe you an “r” for “your”…not to worry, my new keyboard is on the way!*
    i just hope AYTG?IMM doesn’t alienate your readers who don’t get their periods- either too young or too old!
    *try typing without an “R”, if you think it’s so easy. if anyone has an extra non-ghetto laptop, i ain’t too proud to beg!

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  22. BTW, June. You should consider writing them a letter. Don’t sound angry, but firmly state why you will never return to their store again. Send it to the home office. Don’t ask for concessions.
    They need to know that somebody is wearing an asshat at Ulta and is costing them good clientele. I did that at my breast cancer specialist’s office when she sent around a letter saying democrats are “ruining the country” and other offensive nonsense so that we would support her husband for office. I informed her that I was one of “them” and I would prefer to have my health care professional be on my team, no matter what my political persuasion. She was very apologetic. Called me herself. Seems lots of her clients were calling for their charts and she wasn’t sure why.
    Just think about it.

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  23. Bad customer service is a huge pet peeve of mine. I’ve never been to Ulta, but I have been very pissed off at Victoria’s Secret and I imagine the customer service is about the same. It’s a “take it or leave it” mentality with those places. I choose to leave it.
    I love Henry’s collar! Very preppy.

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  24. Furry, she’s right. Democrats ARE ruining the country ….
    ha, ha … just kidding … just kidding … don’t kill me …
    We can bond over our love of trashy real housewives TV. :o))))

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  25. Uh, oh. It was by Judy Blume, not Beverly Cleary (who, obviously, I didn’t read much of either – I think they were written when I was a little too old for kid lit, having moved on to trashy romances).

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  26. For all the Poptartians out there:
    http://blogs.babble.com/family-kitchen/2010/09/01/poptart-pops-an-interview-with-bakerella/
    You are welcome.
    Oh, Chrissy, I don’t care about her political views. I just was horrified that she might treat me differently if she knew my “secret” because the letter was pretty strongly worded about what a bunch of bastards we are. After I wrote her, somebody took her letter to the news. It really blew up for her after that. Lots of people on FB were moving their doctors and leaving without telling her why. I’m not sure that’s the way to handle a bad situation. I would want my clients to tell me if I’ve offended them so I could correct the situation.
    And my mom’s a republican and I love her. Sorta. Maybe she should start watching the Real Housewives so we’d have something in common. 😉

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  27. I had an issue with a major retailer and I found that they had a Facebook page. I became a fan and posted how they ‘done me wrong.’ I got a reply post, follow up emails, and they fixed the situation exactly how I wanted it fixed. So I highly recommend that strategy.
    Now I have to lay/lie down because I had to deal with a cat poop situation and I need to recover.

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  28. I had an issue with a major retailer and I found that they had a Facebook page. I became a fan and posted how they ‘done me wrong.’ I got a reply post, follow up emails, and they fixed the situation exactly how I wanted it fixed. So I highly recommend that strategy.
    Now I have to lay/lie down because I had to deal with a cat poop situation and I need to recover.

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  29. I had an issue with a major retailer and I found that they had a Facebook page. I became a fan and posted how they ‘done me wrong.’ I got a reply post, follow up emails, and they fixed the situation exactly how I wanted it fixed. So I highly recommend that strategy.
    Now I have to lay/lie down because I had to deal with a cat poop situation and I need to recover.

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  30. I vote for Little Women. I also vote for posting your grievences on Ulta’s facebook page. I love the collars you picked out for your menagerie. I got a Nook E-reader this summer and I love it. I is our sight word this week in Kindergarten. Can you tell?

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  31. I am distressed, because I heart the Ulta store. I have one of their little customer cards and everything. I’ve never tried to use the salon, but I buy all my fancy hair, nail, and bath products there, except the Living Proof stuff that is only carried at Sephora. Do I have to stop going to Ulta now?

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  32. Another Ulta despiser here. I used to visit them in a nearby town to buy my makeup, which wasn’t sold anywhere else except online. I got fed up with the incredibly snotty young women who were the Anti-Customer-Service (like the Antichrist but with smoky eye makeup), and the store was always dirty and disorganized. Fortunately a Sephora opened in our mall.

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  33. I feel the same way about The Company Store as you do Ulta. I placed an order with them and they signed me up for a marketing service to the tune of $99.00. I wrote a letter to the president and got a reply that they listened to the recording and I authorized the service. It’s hard for me to believe I knowingly signed up for the service knowing just how cheap I am. I’m finished with The Company Store.
    Why is it Tula is such a good girl at day care and is such a terror in her own neighborhood to those little darling dogs?

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  34. I’m really amazed you all have such bad experiences with Ulta. I frequent two separate Ulta stores in the Cleveland metro area and receive excellent service. The workers provide outstanding customer service and have always helped me if I can’t locate a product. Their prices are competitive plus they have samples so I can try it before I buy it. However, I don’t use their salon services.
    I also buy from ulta.com and haven’t had an issue with purchases this way either.
    The Sephora store is small. I do go when I need something. But I feel intimidated there for some reason. They have a lot of C/S people but they don’t have a lot of space for customers.
    I will consider myself extremely fortunate for my good luck with Ulta per your horror stories.

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  35. Throwing up – not since early 90s until this summer, omg, twice – once on each vacation! I think it was due to acid reflux and over-eating – NOLA will do you that way, and Up North MI, well, I blame my sil and her margarita machine and peanut butter pie! I was lucky to have a non-puking child, even as an infant, and even my current dog is not too pukey.
    Books – too old to have read Judy Blume, Beverly Cleary- if you are a fan, there is a bio or autobio about her that is interesting. She had a not so happy childhood.

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