Keeping up with the Junedashian

I am spending entirely too much emotional energy watching the Kardashians' reality show, which means I really need to be slapped upside the head, hard.

Fortunately, on the coffee table near the TV I had a catalog from a Christmas store to page through, to break my hypnotic obsessing.

(Really, if I were either Kardashian sister who is not Kim, I would be depressed all the time. Why did Kim get all the looks? Why do I know who ANY of these people are? Why do I care? Have I mentioned thank heavens I have that Christmas catalog?)

So, The World's Largest Christmas Store — which did I mention is local to my hometown? It isn't IN in my hometown, but it's right nearby, and I have been obsessed with it since I was a kid because it is ridiculously, you know, not minimalistic. I'd link you to the store but I'm about to make fun of their wares and do not want them to come find me. Turn me into an ornament.

Dottie and I have a tradition that each year we get each other the most awful ornament we can find from said World's Largest Christmas Store. She is lucky enough that she can actually shop at the real place, whereas I just have the catalog. Anyway, while watching those deeply intellectual Kardashians today, I mulled over what to get Dottie this December.

Shop with me, will you? If you were gonna get someone an ugly ornament, which would you pick?

There's this one, which seems to be mixing the secular and the religious in a way that manages to offend just everyone. It's pretty convenient that Mary happened to have a blanket with trim that coordinates with Santa's cuffs.

Nothing says Christmas like a big bottle of gin. I know it's what I reach for first thing Christmas morning. How big of a drunk do you have to be if this is your ornament?

I can't stand gin, actually. To me it tastes like a pine tree. Hey, maybe that's why you're supposed to hang it on your Christmas tree. Because it tastes like one.

Am dying, so to speak, to send this to my Aunt Mary. Or I could get one that reads, "Christmas in Heaven…Dottie" just to freak her out in a Twilight Zone-y kind of a way. Make her think perhaps she has passed on and all this is indeed heaven. Yes, she WOULD be getting gifts from me in heaven. Shut up.

Get your motor running. HEAD OUT ON THE HIGHWAY. Because it's Christmas. And it's…an RV. Naturally. Christmas. A time to celebrate extremely low gas mileage.

Merry Christmas. You have a really bad STD.

A Jewish Christmas tree ornament. Do you feel like the inside of your head just imploded?

Joy to the world, I hit the JACKPOT! Please see comments above re the gin bottle. Except slot machines don't taste like pine to me.

There is also an outhouse ornament but I am pleased to tell you I already sent that to Dot in years past. I am really torn. The RV? The genital? There are just so many choices. All of them festive.

Do help a sister out.

76 thoughts on “Keeping up with the Junedashian

  1. OK, I thought the mushroom was a sad looking pinecone so that is my pick. And the Kardashians, I’ve watched a little bit too and it is like a train wreck. My husband asked what they did to deserve their own TV show and honestly, I don’t know! Why are they famous? For making poor Bruce Jenner look and act like a girl?


  2. The mushroom looks like a magnolia flower after it has dried up. The Christmas in Heaven made me laugh. Not sure which way you should go. Regardless, you will have something tacky.


  3. Amanda, who can never think of anything witty to write after her name, while everyone else sometimes writes funnier stuff here than in their comments says:

    Lisa Pie, that link to tampon crafts was creepy! The bloody earrings?! Ick! Funny, though. If you’re not reading the comments on here you’re missing out, folks.


  4. The Jewish one made me laugh so hard I cried. My mother is Jewish and Christmas is her absolute favorite holiday. I now have to go find this ornament and buy it for her.
    For Dot, I recommend the mushroom one. It’s so horrible and you will giggle for hours thinking of her figuring out the best place for that monstrosity on her tree. Happy Holidays!


  5. Why would anyone make a mushroom Christmas ornament?? I mean…who even thinks of this stuff??
    That one gets my vote.
    The RV ornament reminded me immediately of the Christmas Vacation movie and the scene where Cousin Eddie empties his tank into the sewer grate. Gross and hilarious.
    The haircut is FABULOUS by the way. Sorry I wasn’t around yesterday to comment.


  6. Got to go with the STD. But if you want to find something even uglier, I once got an absolutely grotesque Elvis Presley ornament for a friend of mine who ONLY had hand-carved small wood ornaments from Europe on her tree. I know the Elvis ones are still out there because he is still out there.


  7. Okay, first off, even though back in the day Bruce Jenner was DA BOMB, I can not watch him and his too tight face and all those weird women.
    That said, I think the mushroom is actually a pinecone, you know, hooky thingy down. But even if it’s not a mushroom or a man thang, it’s still uglyuglyugly. If it’s your tradition to send ugly awful, it wins. If it’s your tradition to be tacky awful, then the slot machine wins. Because I live with that tacky awful.
    I do, however, heart the RV. It appeals to my grinchy little soul. “Christmas is comin’? Get out of town!”


  8. Bronners gives me the creeps. But we stop there every time we go to Frankenmuth, It is so dark and crappy. I have never found something good to buy. Why is it so popular? Is it because it is on the way to Traverse City? I know, June, that your country home is also your only home and that is the same with us, but, Holy Cow, Traverse City is so lovely. And driving around that area has been wonderful for us. We don’t have a fortune, but I love a holiday in Michigan. Love, Maple Leaf.


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