Keeping up with the Junedashian

I am spending entirely too much emotional energy watching the Kardashians' reality show, which means I really need to be slapped upside the head, hard.

Fortunately, on the coffee table near the TV I had a catalog from a Christmas store to page through, to break my hypnotic obsessing.

(Really, if I were either Kardashian sister who is not Kim, I would be depressed all the time. Why did Kim get all the looks? Why do I know who ANY of these people are? Why do I care? Have I mentioned thank heavens I have that Christmas catalog?)

So, The World's Largest Christmas Store — which did I mention is local to my hometown? It isn't IN in my hometown, but it's right nearby, and I have been obsessed with it since I was a kid because it is ridiculously, you know, not minimalistic. I'd link you to the store but I'm about to make fun of their wares and do not want them to come find me. Turn me into an ornament.

Dottie and I have a tradition that each year we get each other the most awful ornament we can find from said World's Largest Christmas Store. She is lucky enough that she can actually shop at the real place, whereas I just have the catalog. Anyway, while watching those deeply intellectual Kardashians today, I mulled over what to get Dottie this December.

Shop with me, will you? If you were gonna get someone an ugly ornament, which would you pick?

Missingthepoint
There's this one, which seems to be mixing the secular and the religious in a way that manages to offend just everyone. It's pretty convenient that Mary happened to have a blanket with trim that coordinates with Santa's cuffs.

Haveadrinkitsxmas
Nothing says Christmas like a big bottle of gin. I know it's what I reach for first thing Christmas morning. How big of a drunk do you have to be if this is your ornament?

I can't stand gin, actually. To me it tastes like a pine tree. Hey, maybe that's why you're supposed to hang it on your Christmas tree. Because it tastes like one.

Wow
Am dying, so to speak, to send this to my Aunt Mary. Or I could get one that reads, "Christmas in Heaven…Dottie" just to freak her out in a Twilight Zone-y kind of a way. Make her think perhaps she has passed on and all this is indeed heaven. Yes, she WOULD be getting gifts from me in heaven. Shut up.

Rvxmas
Get your motor running. HEAD OUT ON THE HIGHWAY. Because it's Christmas. And it's…an RV. Naturally. Christmas. A time to celebrate extremely low gas mileage.

Needpenicillin
Merry Christmas. You have a really bad STD.

Nowwhatnow
A Jewish Christmas tree ornament. Do you feel like the inside of your head just imploded?

Gambleholic
Joy to the world, I hit the JACKPOT! Please see comments above re the gin bottle. Except slot machines don't taste like pine to me.

There is also an outhouse ornament but I am pleased to tell you I already sent that to Dot in years past. I am really torn. The RV? The genital? There are just so many choices. All of them festive.

Do help a sister out.

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Author: June

At one point, I was sort of hot, in a "she's 27 and probably a 7" kind of a way. Now I'm old and have to develop a charming personality. Guess how that's going.

76 thoughts on “Keeping up with the Junedashian”

  1. I’d send the mushroom one. I don’t mind Santa praying to Baby Jesus. How is that offensive?
    The Jewish star one?? Now that is kind of weird…
    Hey-did your hair stand up when I posted “affect” instead of “effect”?

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  2. Oh. My.
    I almost have no words. They are all horrible. And yes, offensive each in their own way. Since I don’t know Dottie, I can’t really tell if she would be offended more by the gin or the star of David.
    But I am going out on a limb and saying the Christmas in Heaven one is the most tasteless thing ever created. wtf would you do if this were given to you? It’s just weird. Weird as batshit.

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  3. The Kardashian’s are oddly, weirdly compelling, aren’t they? It’s kinda like watching a train wreck.
    I vote for the festive gin bottle – because nothing says Christmas like gin.

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  4. I’m so glad I’m not the only one horrifically hypnotized by the Kardashian (freak) Show. My self loathing that inevitably follows is downright monestarian. I swear they’ve made a pact with the devil to make us all watch, because there’s really no other explanation that they’re broadcasting season FIVE. it really is the end of the world as we know it.
    I love that gin bottle, but the heaven one is downright creepy and gets my vote.

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  5. You picked some winners. It’s a toss up between the Christmas in Heaven (creepy and sad), the mushroom (had to take a second and a third look at that one), and the Star of David (confusion, much?).
    Also, too Kim Kardashian is mesmerizing. She got all the looks in that family. Don’t really think anyone got the brains… I am glued to Hoarders in a bad, can’t stop watching, way.

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  6. Ok, the Kardashians is a bad show, but nothing is worse than Jersey Shore! It’s so terrible, we are completely obsessed! We DVR every episode. Sometimes watch it twice just to eke every bit of trashiness out of it! Embarrassing!
    The morel mushroom is honestly the ugliest ornament there. Nothing so festive as fungus, that’s what I always say!
    And the Star of David ornament is just wrong wrong wrong!
    And the Christmas in Heaven one is awful! All hilariously bad!

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  7. I have never seen the Kardashians. I’m already booked solid with Mad Men, True Blood, Dexter and others too embarrassing to list.
    The mushroom. No contest.

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  8. I have never seen the Kardashians. I’m already booked solid with Mad Men, True Blood, Dexter and others too embarrassing to list.
    The mushroom. No contest.

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  9. I have never seen the Kardashians. I’m already booked solid with Mad Men, True Blood, Dexter and others too embarrassing to list.
    The mushroom. No contest.

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  10. Definitely the phallic symbol, which I thought was a badly made pine cone. Why would you want a mushroom on your tree? It must be hallucinogenic.

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  11. I would go with the mushroom as the worst, but I also like 12ontheinsides suggestion. Make her one. I got one a couple years ago that’s an angel made from a tampon. Seriously. Wig, glitter and a little wooden head. In fact I will donate it to the cause. Give me an address to send it to.

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  12. Now I know I am a wierdo, but I like the Santa praying to Jesus one. I think it’s a nice way to mix the traditions. People who are Christians (such as myself) can recognize Jesus and Santa both at Christmatime. Also, I think Santa does what he does because of the original gift that God gave us.
    Oops, didn’t mean to go all religious on you. I like the mushroom one.

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  13. That is the most awesome tradition I have ever heard of. I want to subscribe to this catalog with my BFF, just so she and I can start such a tradition!
    I vote mushroom. But really, any of them would be hilarious. The RV is pretty choice, too.

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  14. Hulk (Who also has an Ohio State 1997 Rose Bowl Champions ornament. FYI...neither was allowed on the regular Christmas tree until AFTER the divorce...) says:

    Isn’t Santa just supposed to be a regular person? And a symbol of the Christian holiday of Christmas? Why can”t a regular person pray to Jesus?
    Guess I just don’t get why it is offensive…

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  15. Hulk (Who also has an Ohio State 1997 Rose Bowl Champions ornament. FYI...neither was allowed on the regular Christmas tree until AFTER the divorce...) says:

    Isn’t Santa just supposed to be a regular person? And a symbol of the Christian holiday of Christmas? Why can”t a regular person pray to Jesus?
    Guess I just don’t get why it is offensive…

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  16. Hulk (Who also has an Ohio State 1997 Rose Bowl Champions ornament. FYI...neither was allowed on the regular Christmas tree until AFTER the divorce...) says:

    Isn’t Santa just supposed to be a regular person? And a symbol of the Christian holiday of Christmas? Why can”t a regular person pray to Jesus?
    Guess I just don’t get why it is offensive…

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  17. Santa praying to baby Jesus is just awful.
    Santa was allowed to grow old and climb into a time machine and go back in time to the day Jesus was born in a manger and he happened to bring a hideous blanket with him, trumping the Wisemen’s gifts which are not included in this stupid ornament, which is surprising given the elaborate decoration of Jesus’ bed…and I hate it.
    I also hate Ohio State, and the Rose Bowl. AND I vote for the mushroom if you want to get an immediate reaction, and the Christmas in Heaven one if you want to creep them out, and the Star of David one if you want to include the Baby Jesus/Santa combo and make it a religious explosion.
    And while we’re on the subject, I need some chocolate. Why don’t we decorate our trees with chocolate like the europeans? WHY WHY WHY!?!?!

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  18. Maybe Santa is praying to baby Jesus to seek forgiveness for perverting the true meaning of Christmas.
    I heard Hallmark is putting out a special Bella and Edward keepsake ornament.
    Of the ones you have here, I like the mushroom for its diseased-looking weirdness and phallic, uh, impact.

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  19. I don’t think the Santa is offensive but horribly kitschy and tacky. And impossible, unless you go with the time machine theory.

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  20. Wow!
    Remember the dairy commercial in which the family got a whole bunch of awesome gifts and the little girl came down the stairs and said, “I gave Santa cheese.” Well, what kind of gifts do you get if you leave Santa gin? A hot tub time machine?
    I have no idea how you all figured out that was mushroom. I thought maybe a beehive???
    Since no one else voted for it, I will vote for the slot machine. It symbolizes giving someone a lottery ticket. You never want someone you gifted a lottery ticket to, to actually win the lottery.

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  21. Hulk (Who would be happy to teach Mean Joann about the Rose Bowl as long as he had four bags of Tootsie Rolls with him...) says:

    Oh Reg Jo~you couldn’t offend me even if you WERE trying…
    And speaking as a divorced man, are you SURE I wasn’t married to you??? You sound VERY familiar…
    😉

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  22. Alizabeth – an ornament made from a tampon ??? Oh, yes, June … forget buying one and make that angel!! I’d love to see the tutorial on that particular craft. Who would even think of using a tampon like that??? Strange.
    If you must buy one, my vote is for the weird mushroom/pinecone thing.
    I’d get the gin bottle one for my hubby’s sister if she wouldn’t explode and never speak to me again. (Wait … maybe I SHOULD buy that for her!) Last week we finally figured out what we’ve been smelling on her for the past 7 years … GIN!!!! The woman must be a functioning alcoholic b/c even my daughter equates the smell of liquor with her aunt.

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  23. I don’t mind the Santa/Jesus ornement either – and Santa doesn’t need a time machine – hasn’t he been around like virtually as long as Jesus? Ok, maybe not. But the idea is that even Santa – the common symbol of Christmas – kneels before the baby that is the true meaning of Christmas.
    I vote for the mushrooms. I like mushrooms but that one is just plain ugly. Although I think it is a tradition in some country to hang a mushroom on your tree – for luck or something. Or maybe so you don’t get a fungus in the new year. Beats me. Google it.

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  24. I don’t really keep up with the Kardashians. I think Kourtney looks younger and she’s the oldest. The next sister has an ass that is still in the pool when the rest of her is dry in the cabana. Then there is the final sis who you can’t be sure she really isn’t a brother. I mean c’mon haven’t you ever thought transvestite?
    I vote for the Star of David ornament and a real bottle of gin for your friend. What says Christmas more?

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  25. If you grew up in Michigan you’d know that was a morel mushroom. We are taught that those are edible, even though they look diseased. People in Michigan go mushrooming – morels are a big delicacy…I think you find them in the woods in the fall? Is that right?

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  26. First time poster, long time reader…the mushroom ornament has got to be the worst! I wasn’t sure what it was until I read the comments, I thought your STD quip was right! I’ve seen praying Santa/Baby Jesus in yard art form so it doesn’t shock me. My second fav is the heaven ornament, who knew they made those?
    What I am really posting about is the Kardashians….ugh….I watch them too! I hide it from my family…I have an alternate show picked out that if one of them walks by I flip channels. I’ve only started watching it (I guess it’s season 4?) but why oh why do I do it? I had no clue who Kim was or her sisters. For a while, I couldn’t tell them apart! Why are they famous? Why are they on tv? Why am I compelled to watch them or their other show when I iron or when no one is around to catch me?!!
    ::Back to lurker mode::

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  27. A mushroom? Really? Not seeing it. Why does it have a roach clip on the bottom of it? Whatever it is it’s ugly and gets my vote.
    I loved that little girl and the cheese commercial.
    And since I was gone all weekend I just want to say now that I love your new hair June!! Yes, that was two !!

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  28. Maybe you should tell your faithful readers the “Legend of the Mushroom”, since you have the catalog. All I know is that it is supposed to be good luck to have a mushroom on your Christmas tree. I have a cute toadstool-type mushroom ornament already, which my husband hates because he hates all fungi. Given a choice out of the above options though, I’d have to choose the mushroom. Junie, my dear, I cannot wait for my catalog to come so I can start picking the perfect ornament for you. Perhaps another Yoda????

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  29. Maybe you should tell your faithful readers the “Legend of the Mushroom”, since you have the catalog. All I know is that it is supposed to be good luck to have a mushroom on your Christmas tree. I have a cute toadstool-type mushroom ornament already, which my husband hates because he hates all fungi. Given a choice out of the above options though, I’d have to choose the mushroom. Junie, my dear, I cannot wait for my catalog to come so I can start picking the perfect ornament for you. Perhaps another Yoda????

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  30. Maybe you should tell your faithful readers the “Legend of the Mushroom”, since you have the catalog. All I know is that it is supposed to be good luck to have a mushroom on your Christmas tree. I have a cute toadstool-type mushroom ornament already, which my husband hates because he hates all fungi. Given a choice out of the above options though, I’d have to choose the mushroom. Junie, my dear, I cannot wait for my catalog to come so I can start picking the perfect ornament for you. Perhaps another Yoda????

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  31. Oh, the morel, definitely the morel! So fabulous in it’s foulness.

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  32. I think we should have a contest. Let’s all make ornaments and make June decide which one is the worst. I made some out of giant acorns and glitter. No, not when I was in grade school; I made them last year!

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  33. Ooh, ooh! The World’s Largest Christmas Store has another strong contender for ugliest ornament: a whale wrapped in Christmas lights. Nothing says ‘have a whale of a good time at Christmas’ like an innocent sea creature strangled by colored lights.

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  34. OMG, I haven’t read this thread yet, but I have got to tell you. I went to an out-of-town wedding this weekend and saw Marvin’s double! Honestly he is the spitting image of making-the-move-Marvin! And this guy must have some good moves cause his wife is expecting their third child! Ok, news flash over so now I will go back to read all about today’s topic.

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  35. Ugliest ornament…for me it is a toss-up between the gin and the slot machine. Of course a lot of people probably have them as best friends at Christmas, and 364 other days. I’ve seen outdoor Christmas displays with Santa hanging around the creche. Lovely. The Star of David: maybe hang it from the Menorah? I don’t mean to offend, just trying to come up with a logical reason for the ornie. Me, my tree is the usual, and to some tacky, tree with lots of color and lots of glitter. But no angelic tampons. Nope.

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  36. Ugliest ornament…for me it is a toss-up between the gin and the slot machine. Of course a lot of people probably have them as best friends at Christmas, and 364 other days. I’ve seen outdoor Christmas displays with Santa hanging around the creche. Lovely. The Star of David: maybe hang it from the Menorah? I don’t mean to offend, just trying to come up with a logical reason for the ornie. Me, my tree is the usual, and to some tacky, tree with lots of color and lots of glitter. But no angelic tampons. Nope.

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  37. Ugliest ornament…for me it is a toss-up between the gin and the slot machine. Of course a lot of people probably have them as best friends at Christmas, and 364 other days. I’ve seen outdoor Christmas displays with Santa hanging around the creche. Lovely. The Star of David: maybe hang it from the Menorah? I don’t mean to offend, just trying to come up with a logical reason for the ornie. Me, my tree is the usual, and to some tacky, tree with lots of color and lots of glitter. But no angelic tampons. Nope.

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  38. Baby Jesus getting props from Santa is pretty awesome. Nice blanket.
    My vote is for the rv, hands down. The weird mushroom genitalia is good, but an rv will catch more eyes. My favorite Christmas ornament of mine is a blender. It’s hideous. Oh, and add that to the fact that my mom didn’t think she would offend us when we had all graduated and moved out by giving us back all the stuff we made her over the years, and I have a very good looking “I made this in 1992” (because yes, I was born in ’86) Christmas tree.
    Mazel tov!

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  39. What buyer thought the Christmas in Heaven ornament would be a great seller?!?! It’s so creepy. Would you put the receiver, giver or deceased name on the ornament? Heebie-jeebies!!

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  40. OK, I thought the mushroom was a sad looking pinecone so that is my pick. And the Kardashians, I’ve watched a little bit too and it is like a train wreck. My husband asked what they did to deserve their own TV show and honestly, I don’t know! Why are they famous? For making poor Bruce Jenner look and act like a girl?

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  41. The mushroom looks like a magnolia flower after it has dried up. The Christmas in Heaven made me laugh. Not sure which way you should go. Regardless, you will have something tacky.

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  42. I think the Star of David is the most offensive. The one about heaven is pretty funny UNLESS as suggested by another reader she actually dies. eek.
    And, did I see that she actually reads your blog? Then no surprise? Well, unless you went with the tampon angel thingey. Whew. Wouldn’t that be a stunner?

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  43. Amanda, who can never think of anything witty to write after her name, while everyone else sometimes writes funnier stuff here than in their comments says:

    Lisa Pie, that link to tampon crafts was creepy! The bloody earrings?! Ick! Funny, though. If you’re not reading the comments on here you’re missing out, folks.

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  44. The Jewish one made me laugh so hard I cried. My mother is Jewish and Christmas is her absolute favorite holiday. I now have to go find this ornament and buy it for her.
    For Dot, I recommend the mushroom one. It’s so horrible and you will giggle for hours thinking of her figuring out the best place for that monstrosity on her tree. Happy Holidays!

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  45. Why would anyone make a mushroom Christmas ornament?? I mean…who even thinks of this stuff??
    That one gets my vote.
    The RV ornament reminded me immediately of the Christmas Vacation movie and the scene where Cousin Eddie empties his tank into the sewer grate. Gross and hilarious.
    The haircut is FABULOUS by the way. Sorry I wasn’t around yesterday to comment.

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  46. Got to go with the STD. But if you want to find something even uglier, I once got an absolutely grotesque Elvis Presley ornament for a friend of mine who ONLY had hand-carved small wood ornaments from Europe on her tree. I know the Elvis ones are still out there because he is still out there.

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  47. Okay, first off, even though back in the day Bruce Jenner was DA BOMB, I can not watch him and his too tight face and all those weird women.
    That said, I think the mushroom is actually a pinecone, you know, hooky thingy down. But even if it’s not a mushroom or a man thang, it’s still uglyuglyugly. If it’s your tradition to send ugly awful, it wins. If it’s your tradition to be tacky awful, then the slot machine wins. Because I live with that tacky awful.
    I do, however, heart the RV. It appeals to my grinchy little soul. “Christmas is comin’? Get out of town!”

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  48. Bronners gives me the creeps. But we stop there every time we go to Frankenmuth, It is so dark and crappy. I have never found something good to buy. Why is it so popular? Is it because it is on the way to Traverse City? I know, June, that your country home is also your only home and that is the same with us, but, Holy Cow, Traverse City is so lovely. And driving around that area has been wonderful for us. We don’t have a fortune, but I love a holiday in Michigan. Love, Maple Leaf.

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