A Very Special Bye Bye, Pie

I have been missing a day of posting here or there, and I don't know if you've noticed or not. The reason is because something sort of major was happening, over here, and being funny was just not happening so much.

Marvin and I were making plans to separate. Not egg whites from their yolks. From each other.

It is hard to shop for apartments and then come home and be all, HEY! Funny ornaments! Comment of the week! I have General Custer hair! Woooo!

And yet, I pulled it off, didn't I? See what a phony baloney I can be?

In October, Marvin and I will have been dating for 14 years. I mean, obviously at some point we stopped dating and got married, but you know what I mean.

And I knew Marvin before that, too. Yes, we started dating in 1996, but we ALSO dated in college, in 1986, too, and stayed friends after. So what I am saying to you is Marvin has been around a long time. Most of my adult life.

And lately, things have not been pretty, over here. Do you remember that couple on All in the Family, those Italian neighbors who would burst in to Archie and Edith's place, and be so crazy about each other, and they kind of made Archie sick? Let's just say if we were neighbors of Archie, we would not be making him sick.

I do not want to go into details, because it's Marvin's life too, and it's bad enough he gets recognized at Target and the gym due to this blog. I am sure he doesn't want his personal bidness all spread out all over everywhere.

But things have not been good, and I have spent the last two weeks looking for apartments, and deciding who gets what pets, and how are we gonna divide three bookshelves?

You want to lose weight? Start planning to leave your husband. Suddenly food does not look so good. If only they could tweak that part of your brain to make it always kind of feel that way. Zero would be the new size 10.

Today at lunch I found a house to rent. It is cute. It was built in 1942. It has a fenced-in yard for Talu, because of COURSE I'm taking Talu. Have you met me? It was bad enough I was leaving Marvin behind.

So I applied for it. I applied for an apartment. I thought those days were behind me. Credit checks and pet deposits and pay stubs and all that crap. For heaven's sake.

As the day wore on, it was like this dark cloud was forming over my head and it was getting larger and darker. By the time I got home, it was like 50 black wet towels were resting on my noggin, all of them depressing. Marvin and I started discussing who got what tables, when all of a sudden we started talking about how awful this was. And how yes, things are not pretty right now, but do we scream at each other? No. Is there nothing left between us? Of course there's still something left between us.

"Well," I said. "Maybe we should see another therapist." We saw one a few years back, in LA. "I mean, we made a vow, you know."

"To whom," said Marvin, "the judge who married us?"

Now, see. This is why Marvin bugs me. "To each other," I said.

So that's what's gonna happen. I am not moving out after all. We are going to give this one more try. Because I had 39288505283294 boyfriends in my life, and not one of them were right for me. Then I met Marvin and it was like, click. He was exactly right.

Maybe we're not right for each other anymore. But I think we should fight to the death to figure that out.

Right after I blog about it. Because I have my priorities.

163 thoughts on “A Very Special Bye Bye, Pie

  1. Okay, so I’m a little behind. I don’t get to read your blog every day but tonight I had the rare opportunity to catch up {and laugh a lot…thank you} and I was getting ready to close my laptop when I thought, “Just one more post.” Well, I’m so glad I kept reading.
    I’m sorry things have been hard. I know so very well that marriage can be hell. There’s a million things I could say because I’ve been married for 15 years and more than a few of those years were not so good and we almost didn’t make it. It’s still hard…but relationship is worth fighting for. I’m so glad we didn’t give up. Therapy is good. It helped us for sure. That and a hefty amount of God’s grace and knowing that we really loved each other deeply even if sometimes we didn’t like each other {and by “didn’t like” I mean hate.} Hang in there June! I’m going to pray for you two…if that’s okay. I mean, it can’t hurt right? Thanks for sharing your story.

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  2. Everyday reader, infrequent commenter here. Or is it every day? 😉 Just wanted to let you know there is another random soul out on the interwebs who’s simultaneously tearing up and rooting for you and glad that you’re gonna give it another shot. Wishing you guys the best. Back to lurking now.

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  3. Dammit! I’ve been coming here for over 2 years and never once bawled. Thanks for that.
    No seriously, I’m so glad you are staying together. Really. I know marriage is hard (hellloooo 18 years here) but tough times are part of marriage, same as good times.
    {hugs}

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  4. Oh, June, so sorry to hear y’all aren’t getting along. I’ve been married now for 19 years and, believe me, years 7-12 STUNK ON ICE! We didn’t like each other at all. We were both too stubborn to give up though. And I’m happy to say that it gradually got better and we actually like each other now! I’m so glad we didn’t give up too soon because we would have missed the best years. So please don’t quit Marvin. You may find him amusing again one day! Besides, at your age do you really want to have to train another man?! 😉

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  5. SO, so proud to hear you chose to work at this. I try to remember that all I can control in my marriage is MY words and actions and thoughts, and I have never regretted holding my tongue, letting something slide, making a joke when I could get angry, or giving my husband the benefit of the doubt. And every day I pray God softens his heart to me so he’ll do the same when I’m a nightmare. I know you’re not a religious person, but I think it’s so important to strive to show each other mercy and forgiveness and grace and compassion the same way God gives it to us (even though we plainly don’t deserve it). It’s got to be the only way anybody can make it through times like this when the logical human part of us says “time to call it quits.”

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  6. Oh, shit. I am reading this, like, a day late. Sorry you are having to deal with heavy stuff. PS: if custody issues get ugly, I’ll take Henry off your hands.

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  7. I am so sorry to hear you two are struggling. You obviously have a lot of people pulling for you to get through this unscathed. Having been married 19 years, my only advice is to find something that the two of you have to team up on together. For lots of people that is children, but for those of us without children, we have to look elsewhere – a business, a hobby, a goal of some sort.

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  8. So sorry that you’re going through the suckage, and happy that you’re taking another swing at it. (Isn’t it disturbing how so many of the metaphors for working through problems evoke spousal abuse?)
    Anyway, best thoughts to you and Marvin – may you find your ways through this. And know that you’ll have a bunch of us rooting for you!

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  9. Applauso! Applauso!! Yeay for the Fight to the death!! Give it all you’ve got, Babygirl! (((JuniePoo and Marvin too))

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  10. I am so happy to come back and read all of the “yes, marriage is sometimes like slogging through the hog pen of life but it is still so, so worth it” comments. It might be corny, but it really does warm the cockles. We romanticize the institution to the detriment of anyone who thinks “if it’s this hard then it must not be love”. Two people who love each other still have to make the choice to be together on a regular basis. Remember “love means never having to say you’re sorry?” Bull. Love means saying you’re sorry even when you can’t figure out what the hell you did wrong.
    And I will quit now and leave some quotation marks for the next person.

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  11. Before I read all the comments, I just want to say that I am glad you are going to try to make it work. BTDT back before we became parents, we did divorce, we did eventually get back together. It has not always been pretty or happy but . . . I learned a lot when I was divorced and a lot of it was about myself and not all of it was pretty. I learned I yam what I yam and while there are some things I can change, I am also who I am for reasons that will always exist. And I guess that would be true of any partner of mine, as well, so acceptance is something that might be more useful to focus on than change. Just rambling, but wishing both of you all the best, however it turns out.

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  12. Glad to hear you’re going to fight for it. Marriage is hard, but so worthwhile. Hang in there. Thanks for sharing so candidly.

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  13. Wow. I am so sorry. Relationships are hard. I have a book that really helped my husband and me. I would love to send it to you. You have my email if you want to give me an address. I am actually in Vietnam right now on a medical mission trip, and decided to read your blog today for a pick-me-up…
    Peace and blessings June. You and Marvin will both be in my prayers.

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  14. I’m just going to echo what everyone else said: I’m glad you guys are going to try and make it work. I know you won’t regret it. And I’m sending many prayers up to heaven for you two!

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  15. This is a whole lot worse than that Very Special episode of Blossom! I am shocked. I totally get how you can blog about funny stuff while behind the scenes is chaos. I hope you kids will be able to work through this and fix it. I can’t take any more bad news. Do this for me! Thanks!

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  16. my husband and i are separated. we drew up an agreement and everything. but we are still in the same house- just different sides. i am in limbo but at least i am not making any rash decisions.
    take your time. don’t let anybody pressure you into anything.
    we are all here for you.

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  17. I just skimmed comments and so glad to see so many offering encouragments and practical advice and insight. You’ve got a ton of people wishing you the best! I admire you for having the courage to fight for your marriage.
    (I forgot to say that my ex and I remarried — and I can NEVER thank the Lord enough — we just didn’t have enough sense to try to work it out. We’ve been remarried 37 yrs, and we truly ARE each other best friend.)
    And marriage is not 50/50. Sometimes it’s 80/20, 60/40 ..whatever. If he is the one who “clicks” for ya, then go for it
    I’ll hush…I just know that I Came.This.Close to not being with the one who “clicks” for me, and I just want others to be with their “clicker.”

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  18. It sounds like you and Marvin have had an enduring friendship (and other things) over many years. Your marriage is worth fighting for . . . I’m glad you are going for counseling. My husband and I were previously married and divorced from other people. We have been married almost 27 years. There have been some “challenging” times, and I am so glad that we worked through those times together. Stick with it . . . a sense of humor and friendship will carry you through. Praying for you both . . .

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  19. (Sort of on-topic)
    If you get a chance amidst all this turmoil to do any reading (besides “Little Women”), I highly recommend “Committed”. It has some fabulous, thought-provoking things to say about marriage. I enjoyed it much more than “Eat, Pray, Love” (and I really liked that too).
    Rooting for June and Marvin to find their happy place, however that works out.

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  20. Without reading the other comments, here’s my two cents:
    A Standing Ovation for hanging in there and trying!!
    As one who was divorced a million yrs ago (and my weight went to 72 lbs. at one brief point –yes it really did — so I KNOW where you’re coming from on that), try, try and try again if you feel that way about Marvin.
    Give this your best shot girlie – you won’t regret doing that.
    I’m in your corner, praying for y’all and wishing peace and contentment for you both.

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  21. The best marriage advice I ever got was to stick it out, and work it out. The issues you have now, do you think they will still be there in a year? in 10 years? You will both be fine either way, but I believe that the marriage vows (that you make to EACH OTHER!!!) are worth the effort, worth a fight. That life is better, together.
    good luck you guys!!!

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  22. June ~ SO glad you’re gonna keep trying. My hubs and I will be married 20 years this coming February. Easy 20 years? No. Worth it? YES! There were several times we just had to tell ourselves we’re better together than apart and keep chugging along. Thank goodness we did. Sending prayers for you and Marvin. Praying it works out that you’re better together than apart too!

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  23. Wait a minute. He said that? For real?
    But — he was joking, right? Of course he was joking.
    I hope he was joking.
    Even as a joke, though. Ouch.
    Although, okay, he did say “whom.”
    I’m not sure fighting to the death is the best approach, however. Killing each other sounds, you know, kind of counter-productive.
    Seriously, this blows. I’m sorry. I hope things become clearer and less sucky for you soon.

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  24. I’ve been thinking a lot about marriage lately as I’m attending two weddings this month and also because after nearly 13 years of marriage I am just starting to understand how hard it really can be. And I think the beautiful thing about marriages that last is that both parties have been willing to say (sometimes separately, sometimes at the same time), “I will not give up on us.” So glad you are going to keep on not giving up! Praying for you two.

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  25. Wow. I stalk this blog but rarely comment and here I am about to comment one of your most personal posts ever… The irony is not lost on me.
    I’ve got to say that I am so PROUD that you are willing to fight to the death for your marriage. Life is hard. Time passes and things change, but marriage is worth the struggles to find common ground. I know that you have your own views on religion, but I’m going to be praying like crazy that you and Marvin work it out and get to a happy place. There are peaks and valleys in every marriage, and this is just a valley. Keep climbing.

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  26. I’ve been checking back occasionally to see all the wonderful comments today. My favorite is probably the one asking June to blog about Marvin on alternate weekends and holidays until we adjust if it goes pear shaped.
    And then, oh! Loretta! You haven’t posted and I’ve been wondering about you. Glad to see you here.
    You have an awful lot of people pulling of you two, June and Marvin.

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  27. I’m sorry you guys are having a tough time but I’m glad to hear you’re giving it one more shot. Why not? It just might work.

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  28. What can I say that hasn’t been said before? I just want you to know I am so sad this is happening. I cannot imagine a June without a Marvin! Don’t give up, give it all you’ve got. We need you BOTH. I know you can do it.

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  29. June,
    I have been married (the second time) for 10 years come this November. Leaving my first marriage of 7 years was a no brainer , although still hard, especially because we have kids. My first husband threatened my safety, sanity and self esteem. Tried therapy and separation…was fruitless and pointless. Like I said, a no brainer. TIME TO LEAVE.
    Now, I am very happily remarried and consider myself the luckiest woman on the planet. Why? Because, like Marvin and you, we click. We are kindred spirits. He is the male version of myself. Do we live in Romance Land free of hard times? Absolutely not. Sometimes he drives me crazy. Okay, everyday he does something to drive me crazy. Sometimes I want to yell at him or bop him in the mouth. And I am bossy and like to tell him how to drive and I lecture too much. Even though we have both worked on limiting these annoyances, they still squeak out from time to time. Let’s face it…they are part of what makes us who we are. There have been times I’ve thought about life sans my loving husband, but I always give it time and something will happen that reminds me why I love him so very, very much. And then I hold on to those thoughts for dear life when times get tough. I know that we are very much worth working for and holding on to. There are no men better than my husband for me. Apparently he must feel the same way. I am sure there are times he’d like to tape my mouth, shove me in the trunk of the car, and sink me in the river.
    I know when my husband is gone for a week or two, I really miss him and appreciate him. Vacations apart can be really nice refreshers in a relationship.
    You are not alone. Marriage: it’s not for sissies! It is very much worth it to give it another shot. Good luck and lots of love to you both!

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  30. Just adding my hopes & prayers that you two can work things out. I’m with Sugar Mommy on what she said about love being a choice. My husband and I have been married for nearly 37 years (together for nearly 40) and we choose, every day, to work out any problems may come our way, no matter what. No, it isn’t always easy; we’ve had some very serious issues to deal with from time to time over the decades, such as the cancer battle we’re fighting right now, but it has always been worth it. We have so much history and we truly are each other’s best friend. Whenever life gets difficult, we look back to the things that drew us together all those years ago, and vow all over again never to let anything come between us. It’s our choice. I hope you and Marvin will hang in there and keep reminding yourselves why you’re together in the first place.

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  31. Also, mid-life crises are very real. My sister almost left her husband in the middle of one, I have been suffering through one lately. I have been trying to turn it around to my advantage, and my husband is thrilled.

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  32. I really don’t know what to write, only that you’ve made me laugh (yes, out loud)many times, that I can relate to you in so many ways, and that thinking about all of the guys I dated and how they don’t even come close to my husband, helps me stayed married to him in spite of his mother…and thinking about having to do all of that over again also helps me stay married to him too, and that the thought of staying married to him helps me try to make our marriage better. Oh, and also accepting the fact that he has to put up with a lot more than I do… Keep trying. I wish you the best.

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  33. Marriages have their up times and down times just like anything else. It is ALWAYS worth fighting for. Glad you decided to, and praying it all works out.

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  34. I’m so glad you’ve decided to give it another try. Marriage, even to the right person, can be unbelievably difficult sometimes. I hope that you will find a therapist who clicks, too. Keep fighting, June. It’s worth it.

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  35. Ah June……..
    if you ever get down to this comment, through the list above, i have this to say.
    We love you.
    He loves you.
    You love him.
    Good luck. I do hope it all works out.

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  36. Holy sakes YES go see a therapist before you give up. My husband and I DO scream at each other (rarely, but it does happen) but we know that we are not giving up.
    Marriage is NOT about happily ever after. Marriage is about commitment and work and saying that the good times are worth the hard times.
    Hang in there!!!!

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  37. I’m so glad you two decided to give your relationship another chance. I don’t who the heck else would put of with either one of ya! Only joking! Seriously, I hope all goes well. Best of luck to you and Marvin.

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  38. Oh June! Thank you for not only entertaining us all daily but for having the courage to share this sad and hard time with all of us.
    I think it is a really positive thing that as you two were trying to divvy up your household you both came together to decide to try another therapist. You came together. Isn’t that marriage is about after all? Coming together, compromising, supporting one another? You two did all of those in the second you decided TOGETHER to seek help. That’s positive and hopeful! So when the road gets rough (or rougher) during therapy, try to look back and focus on that positive, hopeful moment. Even when you two were at the worst moment, about to give up, you came together.
    Love you and Marvin,too. I am sending prayers and positive vibes and lots and lots of love to you.

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  39. Oh June! Thank you for not only entertaining us all daily but for having the courage to share this sad and hard time with all of us.
    I think it is a really positive thing that as you two were trying to divvy up your household you both came together to decide to try another therapist. You came together. Isn’t that marriage is about after all? Coming together, compromising, supporting one another? You two did all of those in the second you decided TOGETHER to seek help. That’s positive and hopeful! So when the road gets rough (or rougher) during therapy, try to look back and focus on that positive, hopeful moment. Even when you two were at the worst moment, about to give up, you came together.
    Love you and Marvin,too. I am sending prayers and positive vibes and lots and lots of love to you.

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  40. Oh June! Thank you for not only entertaining us all daily but for having the courage to share this sad and hard time with all of us.
    I think it is a really positive thing that as you two were trying to divvy up your household you both came together to decide to try another therapist. You came together. Isn’t that marriage is about after all? Coming together, compromising, supporting one another? You two did all of those in the second you decided TOGETHER to seek help. That’s positive and hopeful! So when the road gets rough (or rougher) during therapy, try to look back and focus on that positive, hopeful moment. Even when you two were at the worst moment, about to give up, you came together.
    Love you and Marvin,too. I am sending prayers and positive vibes and lots and lots of love to you.

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  41. I know I’m not going to remember this right, but here goes anyway. A year or so ago you posted about a time when you and Marvin were touring someplace and you looked over and Marvin was standing in the middle of some star on the floor. You burst out laughing and thought “THIS is why I’m still married to this guy.” I hope you can rediscover those times.
    I’m so glad you two have decided to keep trying. All the best to both of you. And I am taking in all the great advice you’ve been given, because you have some wise readers here.

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  42. I was holding my breath reading your post praying that you decided to stick it out in the end. Marriage is SO HARD and there is no perfect person on either side of the fence. I know that you don’t exactly drink “Jesus juice” for breakfast every day, but I still think you might like “The Love Dare” book.

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  43. Ruth Bell (Mrs. Billy) Graham said, when asked by a reporter if she ever thought of divorcing her husband, the Reverend Billy Graham, “Divorce? Never! But murder…”
    If you’re going to kill poor Marvin, go ahead and kill him with kindness. The man you fell in love with is still in there, so I applaud your choice to work on things.
    Remember, though, the woman who knocked him head over heels can still work it. You’re worth his effort and love in return. 🙂
    Good luck to both of you. I’ll keep you in my prayers!

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  44. together 25yrs, married 24. most of our friends are surprised. take it to the mat. you will just end up another one that may not be as funny as Marvin. FUNNY is good. take it to the mat!

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