Today Marvin and I went shopping for a new couch.
And yet, I will say more.
You know, Marvin grew up in a nice, middle-class home, and his parents are tasteful people. And yet? When he goes shopping? He has the taste of a pimp. From 1972.
"How about this blue velvet couch?" he'll say.
"HOWWWW can we pass this one up?" he'll ask about the one with the loud Native American print.
I swear to you, he actually tried out the sectional couch with the drink holders and the little doors so you can store even more drinks inside your couch. The man who has one cranberry-flavored Mike's Hard Lemonade a year needs to get the On-the-Way-to-Rehab sectional.
After telling him we could not get the zigzag couch, or the couch that looked like a swirly test pattern, or the couch with recliners in them, we settled on brown. Brown.
I wanted charcoal gray. Marvin wanted something that would go with his purple sharkskin suit and his black light posters and fountains that look like they're dripping water with a naked statue in the middle, so we compromised.
It was also important to me that we actually have a comfy couch, so there was one couch that was very elegant that an extremely pushy saleswoman named Maria tried to sell us, and we asked her to give us 24 hours to think it over, but then we found another BROWN couch at a different store that had cushy arms and it was way deeper.
Turns out? After we spent 203845301 hours at this particular furniture store and no one helped us, as opposed to Maria at the other store who practically exchanged body fluids with us on each couch? This is a store where you can pick out any couch and then any fabric and any pattern for the pillows. So that would have saved us, you know, 800 hours, had we known that. Maria needs to get a job at this store.
They had a deal where you could make payments for a year with no interest, so I signed up for it, and got TURNED DOWN! I have good credit! I have no idea why I got turned down, other than the part where I own one credit card with a $500 limit and I never use it.
So then I had to pay by check, using my new starter checks because I just opened an account at a new bank, and I know those salespeople thought I was scamming them. Anyway our BROWN couch will be ready in a month.
After that we had to stop and get a nutritious snack.
We also had Talu, because it was cool and rainy today so she could wait in the car, and I took her on a walk through the really good PetSmart, the one that has a snack bar and all kinds of fancy stuff.
Talu grabbed a pig's ear right off the shelf and kept it in her mouth the entire time we were at the store. She cost me 22 cents, and at least I didn't have to write a starter check for it.
Here she is, crunching the last of her disgusting ear. Poor pig. Some pig is going around deaf, thanks to my dog.
You know, Tallulah is very barky when she's on her leash. At PetSmart, we saw a beautiful, dignified Collie, and Tallulah said, "RRRRR RRRRR RRRRR RRR! Grrrrr, RRR!"
We saw a lovely small mixed breed. "RRRRR RRR Rrrrrrrr…," said Talu.
Then a huge black Pit Bull came around the corner.
"Oh, look at these lovely cat toys," said Talu, studiously ignoring the giant Pit, who stood stock still, daring my bully dog to utter one word.
Someone is not so tough unless her enemy is wimpy-looking or a dead ear.
At least she doesn't have pimp taste.