June's stupid life, Marvin, My pets

Les Miserables

Today Marvin and I went shopping for a new couch.

Enough said.

And yet, I will say more.

You know, Marvin grew up in a nice, middle-class home, and his parents are tasteful people. And yet? When he goes shopping? He has the taste of a pimp. From 1972.

"How about this blue velvet couch?" he'll say.

"HOWWWW can we pass this one up?" he'll ask about the one with the loud Native American print.

I swear to you, he actually tried out the sectional couch with the drink holders and the little doors so you can store even more drinks inside your couch. The man who has one cranberry-flavored Mike's Hard Lemonade a year needs to get the On-the-Way-to-Rehab sectional.

After telling him we could not get the zigzag couch, or the couch that looked like a swirly test pattern, or the couch with recliners in them, we settled on brown. Brown.

Yes, brown.

I wanted charcoal gray. Marvin wanted something that would go with his purple sharkskin suit and his black light posters and fountains that look like they're dripping water with a naked statue in the middle, so we compromised.

On brown.

It was also important to me that we actually have a comfy couch, so there was one couch that was very elegant that an extremely pushy saleswoman named Maria tried to sell us, and we asked her to give us 24 hours to think it over, but then we found another BROWN couch at a different store that had cushy arms and it was way deeper.

Couch
Here is Marvin, sad that we are not getting the bright red velvet couch with paisley on it, that his 'hos can sit on between appointments. Marvin cannot keep his pimp hand strong on a brown couch.

Turns out? After we spent 203845301 hours at this particular furniture store and no one helped us, as opposed to Maria at the other store who practically exchanged body fluids with us on each couch? This is a store where you can pick out any couch and then any fabric and any pattern for the pillows. So that would have saved us, you know, 800 hours, had we known that. Maria needs to get a job at this store.

They had a deal where you could make payments for a year with no interest, so I signed up for it, and got TURNED DOWN! I have good credit! I have no idea why I got turned down, other than the part where I own one credit card with a $500 limit and I never use it.

So then I had to pay by check, using my new starter checks because I just opened an account at a new bank, and I know those salespeople thought I was scamming them. Anyway our BROWN couch will be ready in a month.

A MONTH!

Geez.

Icecream

After that we had to stop and get a nutritious snack.

We also had Talu, because it was cool and rainy today so she could wait in the car, and I took her on a walk through the really good PetSmart, the one that has a snack bar and all kinds of fancy stuff.

Ear

Talu grabbed a pig's ear right off the shelf and kept it in her mouth the entire time we were at the store. She cost me 22 cents, and at least I didn't have to write a starter check for it.

Eatintheear

Here she is, crunching the last of her disgusting ear. Poor pig. Some pig is going around deaf, thanks to my dog.

You know, Tallulah is very barky when she's on her leash. At PetSmart, we saw a beautiful, dignified Collie, and Tallulah said, "RRRRR RRRRR RRRRR RRR! Grrrrr, RRR!"

We saw a lovely small mixed breed. "RRRRR RRR Rrrrrrrr…," said Talu.

Then a huge black Pit Bull came around the corner.

"Oh, look at these lovely cat toys," said Talu, studiously ignoring the giant Pit, who stood stock still, daring my bully dog to utter one word.

Someone is not so tough unless her enemy is wimpy-looking or a dead ear.

At least she doesn't have pimp taste.

49 thoughts on “Les Miserables”

  1. I would LOVE a sofa with a built-in fridge–they just need to make the cup-holders big enough to fit my martini glasses is all 😉
    And brown is good! I’m in the planning stages of converting our 3 couches to brown so that they will, finally, match each other and the rest of the living room.
    (yes, a late comment, but I just found your blog thanks to JoAnn so I’m doing some catch-up)

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  2. Alright, so total acceptance for pit bull lovers everywhere. They can be sweet as pie, like my lab. Or mean as the devil himself, like my neighbor’s, well… lab. Anyhoo…
    I play six degrees of separation, vomitus maximus style. It goes like this – anytime you hear of ANYONE who is currently, or was recently, sick in the upchuck kind of way, you start to draw lines between yourself and the sickling to determine possible routes of contagion. No matter how circuitous, the link will eventually be made and you will spend several hours checking yourself for upcoming, well…anything I guess. Or whatever went down last. And clearly, as demonstrated here, the Internet definitely counts as a link in the chain. It’s a category of mental illness all it’s own. Dread of vomiting combined with irrational thinking.
    I do not, for the record, fear any other kind of sick. Just puking. Gah.

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  3. I think sofa/couch shopping is Stressful to the Max. We drove over to Hickory one time window shopping, and boy-howdy, that’s all we did –totally overwhelmed. So I realllly admire you for that shopping expedition! I’m wanting a new chair so badly but it’s a Johnston Benchworks so I’ll never be able to afford it. I love the Tallulah ignoring the pit!! Loved it!

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  4. I’m rude and aren’t going to comment on anything you wrote about, but I have to say that I commented the other day making a joke that my online friend got sick, and I started feeling under the weather. (har har)
    And I got sick this weekend. I don’t know anyone who is sick but HER.
    Sorry you didn’t get approved for credit. You could be like me and go from a 3% car loan rate to TEN PERCENT because you are stupid and got in a car accident. At least there’s that.

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  5. Hey! I don’t hate animals! I love animals. Especially on the grill.
    No, to me, animals are like grandkids. Fun to play with, but it is great when they go home.
    And hang in there, Marvin. Pimpin’ ain’t easy…

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  6. Hey! I don’t hate animals! I love animals. Especially on the grill.
    No, to me, animals are like grandkids. Fun to play with, but it is great when they go home.
    And hang in there, Marvin. Pimpin’ ain’t easy…

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  7. Hey! I don’t hate animals! I love animals. Especially on the grill.
    No, to me, animals are like grandkids. Fun to play with, but it is great when they go home.
    And hang in there, Marvin. Pimpin’ ain’t easy…

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  8. In Germany they had a radio commercial for a furniture store that sold furniture with small faults, at a discounted price. One of the commercials had a couch with a lithp.

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  9. Another word in defense of Michelle. She is new and didn’t know Tallulah was a pit too. I admire her for sticking up for dogs, as we all should. It takes a certain amount of courage to write a serious comment in a comment section that is usually full of pithy and funny remarks. It’s OK Michelle. Stay with us. Most of us are animal lovers too, except for Hulk.

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  10. OMG!! The comment about Marvin keeping his pimp hand strong cracked me the eff up!!! You must get the Pimp Slap app for your iphone, it’s all the rage at the workplace. We be keepin it strong bitches!!

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  11. Yes, I agree. Michelle was just trying to defend a dog breed. She is no Carin. And that’s coming from me, the first person to jump Carin’s sh*t and call her a troll.
    We have a big overstuffed couch in our media room. It’s a huge sectional with cup holders and electric reclining seats, because you know it’s too hard to push your own seat back. We did the marathon tour looking for it until I walked into a furniture store and explained what I wanted to the furniture saleslady.
    She said, “Oh honey, I have the couch for you. It is the ugliest couch you’ve ever seen and you’re going to love it!” She took us to this mud brown couch and it was so ever ugly. She said, “Now sit.” And she pushed me down on that ugly and I have never been more comfortable in my entire life. I had to have it. We bought it on the spot in a sage green which made it a tad less ugly.
    Everyone who comes to my house and sits in it, claims they’re going to buy it. Although our friends went to order one and discovered it was discontinued. I have a feeling someone probably got smothered in it, it’s that cushy. My kids lose everything in that couch it’s so overstuffed, even a pair of shoes one time.

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  12. My oh my, what will Marv do with a weak pimp hand? June, no Ho stroll in your hood? And why no pic of Maria? I just met a girl named Maria….
    and get that sofa scotchguarded… so the bodily fluids don’t stain if you happen to spill them during your fluid exchange parties…

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  13. My oh my, what will Marv do with a weak pimp hand? June, no Ho stroll in your hood? And why no pic of Maria? I just met a girl named Maria….
    and get that sofa scotchguarded… so the bodily fluids don’t stain if you happen to spill them during your fluid exchange parties…

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  14. My oh my, what will Marv do with a weak pimp hand? June, no Ho stroll in your hood? And why no pic of Maria? I just met a girl named Maria….
    and get that sofa scotchguarded… so the bodily fluids don’t stain if you happen to spill them during your fluid exchange parties…

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  15. Furry. A lisp. Killing me.
    I could totally hijack the comments with my recent couch shopping BUT we are off to a wine-tasting and don’t want to be late! Priorities!
    Maybe I’ll come back later and slur and slosh all over.

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  16. Furry. A lisp. Killing me.
    I could totally hijack the comments with my recent couch shopping BUT we are off to a wine-tasting and don’t want to be late! Priorities!
    Maybe I’ll come back later and slur and slosh all over.

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  17. Furry. A lisp. Killing me.
    I could totally hijack the comments with my recent couch shopping BUT we are off to a wine-tasting and don’t want to be late! Priorities!
    Maybe I’ll come back later and slur and slosh all over.

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  18. Nice couch, Junie. Will be fun to pick out some pretty pillows to go with the walls and other goodies in the living room!
    I have a sort of mossy green thing going in our living room – accents are lots of aqua and blues…Nice combo. Very soothing.
    You all are cracking me up with your Michelle/Carin references. I was thinking that Michelle must be Carin’s pseudonym!! We’re all so defensive of our June!

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  19. It is always weird to shop with my husband. He will say “No, no, no…that will look awful.” I will somehow convince him to buy it anyway, we get it home, and he tells everyone how great I am at decorating out house! Weird!
    PS–found your blog through someone else’s about 2 weeks ago and will be a dedicated reader forever!

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  20. Wow! Was I hell on wheels last night or what?
    Gosh June, my question to you wasn’t meant to be so bitchy but it sure came out that way. Geesh!
    I know how hard it is to shop with the testosterone opinion. I figured with all of those furniture options Marvin had to agree on one logical choice.
    My adrenaline was a little pumped by some comments and I wasn’t myself. My apologies.
    I’ll be a good girl today. Promise.

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  21. Geeze. I was hoping you were out doing something FUN with ole Marv. Nice divan. You should go shopping with me. I go in to the store, scan, motion for a salesperson and purchase. Takes all of three minutes, except for the last couch we bought. Dang saleslady kept wanting to argue with me about wanting it. I worked retail. I know what I want. I wanted another clerk.
    My first husband was a NIGHTMARE to shop with for furniture. Everything couch he picked out had a lisp.

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  22. LMAO with the comments…no need for me to comment. Bhaahahaa have to sit myself down on the davenport..yes my family used the term as well. Was it associated with really uncomfortable couches?

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  23. I also have been turned down for what seemed like a quick credit sign up. I called the credit company, Equifax I think, and when I put in our Social Security numbers was switched over to the Fraud Department. The problem was the Social Security people listed my husband as dead. So it was thought that we were pulling some kind of use a dead guys number scam. It wasn’t until I checked the Social Security Death Index (I do Genealogy)that we found out he had died in 1971. We had gotten married and bought 2 houses and several cars without problems, had ( and paid on time) Visa, but couldn’t get credit from Laura Ashley. It took several annoying years to bring him back to life. That is one of the reasons they now send those statements every so often. If your dead you will now find out much sooner that in the past.

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  24. Love the brown sofa. That will be beautiful in your blue living room, then add the color with pillows that blend with the color on the wall. YES.
    Oh my, pig ears. I don’t know if this animal person could hand that. What am I saying, we had ham last evening.

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  25. Love the brown couch but would love it more with brown and blue printed pillows to match your lovely blue walls. Lots of love in that sentence. Love Lu’s interest in cat toys when there’s a tougher dog around. Love that Michelle stumbled in here and decided to give us all a lesson on pit bulls. She is definitely not a regular reader. Oh and Happy Birthday to Tracy!

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  26. HA! on the Way Too Serious Pill! I think someone may have accidently doubled her dose! But she’d be happy to answer any questions you have!
    Here’s a question: why does my smallish, rather fluffy dog prefer to pee in the house rather than the grass when it rains? If she weren’t so god-awful cute I’d feed her to a pitbull. If I could find a big nasty looking one, that is.
    Love the couch June. Brown is the new beige. And Marvin looks mahvelous on it, as will all the furries.

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  27. Exchanging bodily fluids with Maria on the couch! Bahahaha! A visual I didn’t need though. Furniture sales people are closely related to car sales people. They are ready to pounce.
    I think the brown couch will look good with your blue walls. Will it be like the one Marv is sitting on? I have a brown couch, but it’s leather. I love it yet I hate that the pillows always slide off.

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  28. I am sitting on my brown sofa right now that I picked out together with my aunt. It has recliners, which I love but no cupholders, minifridge or anything like that. I am 5 ft 3, my aunt is the same height. We sat on the couch at the store, made sure it had recliners and bought it. Turns out my 6 ft 6 husband is waaay to tall for this couch, especially when he reclines, his poor head has no support. So I am not allowed to go furniture shopping without him anymore, since I am a citizen of munchkinland.

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  29. Nate Berkus would agree with your brown couch purchase because its a nuetral. He says its important to have a good nuetral couch then use pillows and other items for splashes of color. He says it shouldnt be the focal point of a room. You did good, June and Marv. Congrats on the new couch.

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  30. I had a great time sharing this post with my husband who works for Berkline, maker-extraordinaire of what I like to call “Bubba furniture” . . . sofas with drink holders and couches with recliners! (giggle, snort!)

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  31. Michelle,
    Not sure where you live. I am assuming it’s not in the U.S.
    My son has a 3 yr old purebred Pit Bull. Ruckus has natural ears and a natural tail and weighs every bit of 95lbs. I also have a Pit/Rottie mix that weighs 85#. Not all info on the web, especially Wikipedia is correct. Do you have first hand knowledge of the breed?
    Anyhoo, pardon my ignorance June but don’t you live near the largest furniture capital of America? I would think finding a dream couch would be fairly easy.

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  32. I’d be a terrible proofreader…I thought you said “an extremely plushy saleswoman”!
    Wouldn’t it be more fun if you called it a davenport? My grandma called hers that. It took a long time till I got that one figured out.
    I see someone already mentioned davenport…dar n.
    Use that credit card more often…you’ll get credit out the wazoo. Money in the bank means nothing anymore.
    I’ve got a nice comfy brown couch with matching loveseat and chair. I picked them out myself…the DH isn’t allowed to think of doing such things.

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  33. Congrats on the new addition. What a way to spend your Saturday, but you will be glad when you sink down to watch some fantastic and uplifting RHoNJ or RHoNY on your comfy couch.
    Clearly, Michelle took a Way Too Serious Pill this morning. I admire your patience for people June.

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  34. Ooh! A new chesterfield! I find it works best to scout out the furniture stores, then take in my husband and tell him what his options are. And pigs’ ears are really pigs’ ears? I had no idea – I thought it was just a euphemism like “hot dog.”
    So obvious I have neither a dog nor a deaf pig.

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  35. Michelle,
    Tallulah IS a Pit Bull. You must not have been reading me when I had her DNA done. She is a Beagle/Pit mix. And a little Tibetan spaniel, but who ever heard of that? Anyway, this dog at PetSmart was def. a Pit with a big big head but it was probably a mix. And it was big and muscle-y. If I were Talu I’d have flirted.

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  36. 1. Why are you getting a new sofa? I love your aqua/blue sofa!
    2. See, you and Marvin found something fun to do together. Shopping and making compromises, that’s something.
    3. My dogs like those gross pig ears too. Some of them have hair still on them and what’s worse, some have tattoo numbers. Like the pigs came from Auschwitz. I try to make my dogs eat carrots sometimes to balance out the horror of the poor ear-less pigs.
    4. Will the new brown sofa go well with the pretty curvy slipper chair?

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  37. Are you sure it was a ‘huge’ Pitbull? A Bullie would be smaller than Talu.
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/American_Pit_Bull_Terrier
    http://www.pitbullsontheweb.com/petbull/findpit.html
    Also, I’ve noticed you’ve associated bullies with aggression a few times so I am taking the liberty to say that bullies are really maligned. They are very sweet and loyal dogs (in England, they’re called ‘Nanny dogs’ because they are so good with kids). They aren’t more aggressive than any other dog; they just happen to be favoured by people who want to *train* their dogs to be aggressive. I live in a province that has banned them, meaning that a bullie can be taken from its owner and killed even if it hasn’t done ANYTHING aggressive! So I think it’s important not to perpetuate stereotypes about dogs because I’ve seen it lead to innocent dogs being put down. I know this happens in some states as well. It’s better to have laws that make sure owners train their dogs (all breeds) not be aggressive.
    Here’s a good site with some myths about bullies: http://antibsl.com/bsl-facts
    Happy to answer any questions you have! 🙂

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  38. Cushy arms and way deeper is WAAAYYYY important. Makes it perfect for napping on or resting your head on to watch those classy shows on tv that you like so much.
    I got turned down once at Sears for that 6-months-same-as-cash deals, and I just figured it was their loss (and it was…). I took my business elsewhere.
    I’m looking forward to seeing the new couch in your living room. I like it a lot.

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  39. Will your new davenport, couch, sofa look like the one Marvin is sitting in in the picture? I like that one. Can’t wait to see the real thing. Will they deliver?

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  40. Did you at least pick out pimpy pillows to go with the brown couch? That would have been a good compromise.
    I think there’s something in their DNA that causes all men to want the reclining couch with the cup holders and the fridge. The uglier the better.
    Enjoy your pig’s ear, Talu.

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