It's Wednesday, which means it's time for Pieces of Wisdom. Today we are gleaning our wisdom from the great and powerful Marvin, my spouse of 12 years. And three months. And nine days. But who's counting? Yesterday I asked you all to ask any burning, itching questions you had for Marvin, and they appear below. I edited the dumb ones, such as Furry's Q about how many jelly beans are in a jar. Now watch, we'll find out she's been up all night waiting for Marvin's answer.
Because we have 7,304 questions that you asked Marv, let's stampede right to them, shall we?
Oh, and I adore y'all, but there is no way I am linking to everyone who asked a Q. This is gonna take forever to cut and paste and ask and write down as it is. Whose idiotic idea was Pieces of Wisdom, anyway? (Also, I just woke up and some of you DID NOT READ the rules and there were more Qs for Marv after deadline. Hello. How did you think I was gonna ask him, type them down and post them when you asked them at 4:30 in the morning? HMM? HMMMMM?)
Marvin, how long have you been teaching? What do you teach? Does your class LOVE you?
This is my fourth full year of teaching. I teach science and social studies to fifth-graders. My class is indifferent to me on good days.
Why did you decide to go into teaching instead of staying in the movies?
I got into teaching for the pizza dippers from the cafeteria. And the free hand sanitizer.
Why DID you cave to the [puppy]?
Because along with the puppy comes a '66 Plymouth. [We compromised. God help me–June]
How DO you put up with June?
I'm on serious medication.
What's the deal with leftover lasagna noodle?
I felt sorry for it. I'm like one of those hoarder people. I didn't want to hurt its feelings by throwing it away.
What is your top 5 list of things to do? If they all include music what are a couple more that don't include music?
I don't do anything. Okay.
1. Not answer any questions that involve my top five anything. 2. Just saying "number two" makes me laugh. 3. I enjoy a good pastrami sandwich. 4. I am a roller coaster jumkie. Can't get enough of them. 5. Okay, not really.
What kind of car do you drive?
I drive a 1966 Plymouth Furry III VIP.
Are you a dog or a cat person? Why?
Neither. I'm just a person.
If there were a fire and you only had time to grab one item from your home (other than the pets and June of course!) what would you grab and why?
My checkbook. Because it has all the $ in it. That, and the half a pastrami sandwich from lunch.
What is your favorite thing about your home?
What is it about feet that disgusts you so? Did you have a bad foot experience?
What type of music do you like? List in order of preference. Who are your top 5 favorite musicians? And, please tell us about your band.
My favorite music is ring tones. June is shaking her head in disgust. My top five are Tiny Tim, Regular Tim, Gigantic Tim, Humongous Tim and Sting.
I play in a Rush tribute band. We're called Rush.
If you were stranded on a desert island and could only have one book what would it be?
Sailing Alone Around the World.
Same island: one music CD, record, or 8-track tape – whatever blows your skirt up.
This is simple: a yes or a no will do. Brussels sprouts?
If you pour water on them.
What is your favorite part of teaching fifth graders? Which is the worst? Do you have a favorite student? Do you have one you just absolutely hate and would like nothing more than to accidentally run him or her over in the parking lot?
I like recess. And PE. And hot dog lunches. The worst part is that I only get to teach them for one year. Re favorite student and one I hate? Yes. They are one and the same.
What kind of gifts do they give you for holidays? What do you REALLY want?
They give me bronchitis and I really want a raise. Give teachers a nice cat and a security guard for their classroom.
Cauliflower or broccoli?
McDonald's or Taco Bell?
Coke or Pepsi?
Neither, please. Too fizzy.
Do you mind all of us all up in your business or do we get on your nerves?
Yes. Please go away.
How come you won't let June have the pretty screen door?
Cause they attract the pretty bugs.
Marvin, do you sometimes wish YOU were Lot?
I wish I were his brother, Parking Lot.
Marvin, which one of your many pets is your favorite?
Francis, of course.
Marvin my man, is there a reason that every button-down shirt you own seems to be plaid? Oh, and short-sleeved?
I get them on a bulk discount. Hulk and I shop at the same store.
Do you embarrass easily and get flushed? If so how do you handle it?
Who's asking this? I'll flush them.
Marvin, would you do your best impersonation of June and then let her photograph it for this here blog?
Photograph it? Don't type that. Stop it. I mean it. You suck.
Marvin, now that we've seen your hands, can we see your feet?
You know what they say. Big feet, big boots.
Why did you unfriend me?
Who are you?
Are you going as Antoine Dobson for Halloween? or Lot?
Hide yo' salt wife.
Marvin, are you right or left-handed?
That is right, I'm a leftie.
Do you know how lucky all of us here in blog-land think you are, getting to live with June and all your critters?
Get a life.
Are you a sock-shoe, sock-shoe person? or a sock-sock, shoe-shoe?
I'm gonna sock-sock you you.
Missionary or doggie?
Both at once.
Why won't you wear shorts when it's 174 degrees outside?
Cause my legs would burn off.
How do you not age?
I not tan.
Did it really piss you off when we all cyber-bullied you when June whined incessantly about wanting a puppy?
I cherished each and every moment.
Why do 5th graders have so much homework, and why is it harder than when I was in 5th grade? Do 5th-grade teachers secretly hate parents?
Well, we live in a very competitive world and we need to drive all our kids crazy and stress them out to prepare them for the jobs of tomorrow that won't exist by the time they graduate. If it weren't for the parents, there wouldn't be any kids.
If the Pioneer Woman invited you and June out to her ranch to stay at the lodge…would you go?
Why doesn't the Pioneer Woman just invite ME out to the ranch? I'll bring the washboard.
Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader?
I am one day smarter.
If you could live anywhere in the world and not have to worry about the money to get there, where would it be?
Closet Tea Partier or other?
I'm a closet teetotaler.
Did you actually choose to teach 5th grade, or was that the only elementary school grade available at that school? What is your best trick for getting them to learn, or even pay attention?
Yes, I enjoy the upper grades. Lots of candy and threatening to take away recess.
Which age/grade is harder?? Third, 4th, or 5th???
I had a bitch of a time in third grade. I still don't understand the metric system.
What's your favorite joke?
The one that ends: "Why you want broccoli beef now?" or the one where the skeleton walks into the bar and says, "Bartender, give me a beer and a sponge."
What's your favorite thing about yourself?
Can you pat your head and rub your belly at the same time?
There. Did you see it?
Do you ever miss living in Michigan? Would you move back if there were any jobs? How do you like living in the South?
I don't miss Michigan. But I miss Miss Michigan 1986. Bless your heart.
What do you think of June's blog and more importantly, what do you think of us?
I wonder how all of you fit inside the computer. If it weren't for her blog, I would never know when she was mad at me. Oh, wait, she's always mad at me.
How do you get a bunch of kids to simmer down and pay attention?
Didn't I answer that already?
How do you keep your hair so glossy and you know, on your head?
I use rubber cement.
Are you considerate about the toilet seat in the middle of the night?
Yes, I try never to hurt its feelings.
Is there any stuff you've refused to do even though it'd make this blog super amusing for us readers? If so, what was it?
I refused to answer this question.
When are you going to get the zoo sign out of June's mom's garage and hang it somewhere in your home?
I lose sleep at night thinking about it.
Are you going to buy 'They Call Me BabaBooey" for June next week?
What is it? [I tell him] Ohhh. She can borrow my copy.
Marvin, who is on your list of five?
Dora the Explorer…five what? [I explain]
Dora the Explorer
Are you worried that someday these fifth graders will be running the country?
There's not much chance of that.
What is your favorite ice cream flavor?
If you went trick-or-treating, what kind of candy would you be most excited to get?
The kind without the razor blades.
How large of a crowd do you draw in at the Green Bean?
We're expecting at least 30,000.
If you could only play one instrument, which would you choose?
What song best describes June?
The Bitch is Back.
Do you write your own music? Melody and lyrics?
Is that person's name Melody And Lyrics? I write jazz instrumentals [he does NOT] for quadruple amputees.
Marvin, how did your teachers describe you in elementary school?
They called me the whirling dervish and the absent-minded professor. They did, really.
How do you feel about being a minor celebrity?
It's okay but it was scary riding up in that tube and wearing those sunglasses for so long.
Are there any other body parts (besides feet) that give you the willies?
Yes, I don't like feet.
Which dog do you like better?
I like both my dogs equally better.
What is your nickname for June?
What is your favorite thing about living in the South?
Why do yous guys think yous have to/can fix every/anything?
Well, it's simple. Don't hate me because I'm beautiful. The end.
Marvin, what do you feel is your most outstanding quality? Think how to describe your personality in one word. And what do you feel is June's most outstanding quality? But what word do YOU think SHE would use to describe YOU?
See question 6.
If you could have one superhero power, what would it be and why?
The power to make people stop asking me questions.
Boxers or briefs? Prove it.
Who are all these perverts that read your blog?
Rush concert or couples body wax? About the same?
I'd rather wax down Rush Limbaugh.
Besides Michael Jackson, who is the most famous person you've met?
Bubbles the Chimp.
Do you listen to NPR? If so, does the Diane Rehm show get on your nerves? Do you ever listen to the radio, or just CDs/mp3s in the car?
Don't make fun of Diane Rehm. June's mom told me I couldn't make fun of Diane Rehm once, because there's something wrong with Diane Rehm but I forgot what it is.
I listen to June in the car, telling me where to go. She tells me where to go quite often.
…That's it? Can't I make a final statement? Thank you all for your insightful questions. I look forward to doing this again soon. Call me and we'll do lunch. You can pay.