Everything you never wanted to know about goats

Last night, Marvin and I joined some friends out in the country, at this restaurant/goat milk farm.

I know!

It's fancy there. You get a tour of the farm, then you go into this big dining room and they serve you a five-course meal, and you don't get to order. You just have to eat what they serve you. Kind of like my childhood dinners. Without the five-course part. Also, we had no goats.

Goaties

Guess who was there seven minutes before she announced she wanted a goat? They are so NICE!

Junegoat
"I sweet. I a goat. You gonna eat that purse?"

Anyway, the tour of the farm started at 6:00, but I get out of work at 5:30, then I had to scream on over to the country, so I was a little late.

Turned out? That was good.

The guy who runs the farm was telling us a little about goats when I got there, and when I say "a little," I mean 4929485292048 hours of goat talk. Honest engine. We stood there in front of those goats, and I was in heels cause I'm an idiot and also Ava Gabor out in the country, and could he have droned on for longer?

Some people have no filter. I was acutely aware of people looking away, glancing longingly at the chickens or the dining room or the coffee urn on the front porch, and yet? More goat talk.

"Goats that have one ear up and one ear down are known as the Glooopulala breed. Goats with both ears down are Whoo-dee-hooo-hooo goats. The Whoo-dee-hoo-hooo goat was first discovered in 1270, and I will discuss each year since then, and relate it all to goats. Oh, someone catch that old lady who just fainted from hunger."

Marvpetsgoatie
At least I had plenty of time to photograph goat things. "I also a goat. You gonna eat those buttons? Cause, you know, if you're not, I could eat them. Take them off yer hands."

Shoes
I also had time to admire the shoes of the woman standing in front of me. Yes, I know they are metallic silver shoes and I own 740 pairs of silver shoes. Shut up. I will tell you more about goats if you don't shut up.

Marvstands
Finally we made our way over to the organic garden, where GUESS WHAT? The farmer guy was JUST AS EXCITED about organic farming as he was goats.

Kill me.

Then we mosied over to the chickens, where he actually said, "Chickens scratch in the dirt to express their chicken-ness."

This was about the time I charged him with a pitch fork and went to jail.

Then we ate. Really? So soon? What a brief, unwordy tour of the farm!

I told Marvin I wanted to buy a farm, but not in the way that you die. Like, really buy a farm. But the thing is, I think farms are hard work. Mostly I just want to kiss goats all day and have as many cats as I want because hey! It's a farm!

Cheese
Here is the world's worst picture of our first course, various goat cheeses made from the goaties right there. I mean, the goats don't have to make cheese with their little hoofs. You know what I mean.

And guess what. GUESS WHAT? That silent, man-of-few-words farmer TALKED US THROUGH the cheese course! If he had talked through the whole meal, I'd have burst into flames.

Fortunately, he sat at one of the tables. You should have seen us. "Is he gonna come to every table? Is he punishing those people over there for not paying their bill?"

It reminded Marvin and me of the time we were at a B&B in Haight-Ashbury, in San Francisco. At breakfast, this woman sat down at the table next to us and said, "Hi, I'm Sun. I'm the Peace Outreach Coordinator here." You have never seen two people dine and dash quicker than Marvin and me.

Peace Outreach Coordinator. Oh, shut up.

Nostrils
For some reason, I got a shot up Marv's nostrils. I thought you'd all enjoy it.

Salad
Then we had salad,which came from the organic garden, with some kind of dill dressing, also from the garden. Yes, they grow dressing. There's nothing they can't do.

Main
I forgot to photograph our soup, which was a butternut soup and our friend C's favorite part of the meal, but here was the main course. Roasted goat!

Okay, it was beef, with sweet potatoes, pears and squash or something.

Brownie
Then we had a gluten-free brownie with cream from goats. It was delish.

Birthday
It was somebody's birthday, so they set off a bomb.

Bug
After we were done eating, our friend S said, "Okay, now I can show you our dining companion." She had kept mum, so to speak, about the caterpillar in our floral arrangement. Stupid organic gardening. Allowing bugs to live.

Okay, I'm KIDDING. I'm just getting your goat. No one needs to send an earnest comment. Will come spray you with DDT if you do.

In all, it was a swell evening. When we all came outside, there were 7035821045832810148 stars visible, and all I wanted to do was stand there like an idiot and look at them, but it was freezing out.

Plus, I had to get home and write my dissertation about goats.

P.S. Who is being the farmer right now? Who can't shut up? But I wanted to tell you that goat milk is good for you, and also that Niki is comment of the week. Also, male goats are called bucks. And females are does. It takes a lot of doe to make a buck. BAH!

Okay, am done.

48 thoughts on “Everything you never wanted to know about goats

  1. When my youngest saw baby goats violently nursing, he started calling his nursing-time “goat”. Like, “I need GOAT!” Such a way to make Mommy feel womanly!

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  2. While I’m pretty much going to ignore your whole post (except that going to a farm sounds fun, sans the lectures), once we were at a friend’s house eating a way too spicy salad when I found an itty bitty green caterpillar in my salad, crawling about. I pretended to be grossed out, when really I was just glad to stop eating that spicy salad.

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  3. Gee…i’m just catching up and look what I missed! The goat discussion. I love goats and have been to said goat farm although never to the dinner. We’ve been to the farm’s open house (or would that be open farm?) and if you think he talks about goats you should be there for his whole show. I wanted to kill myself. It was 9 billion degrees out and all he wanted to talk about was the farm totally oblivious to the rest of us passing out from the heat.

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  4. there’s a B&B on HAIGHT ASHBURY? Of course you sat next to a Peace Coordinator. I’m surprised that you didn’t bump into hippies. Wait.
    Oh.
    Also, my mother has that tablecloth. It’s on her table.
    Does anyone else get done reading all the comments only to forget what humorous comment they were going to write? Because, I forgot.
    It’s all that DDT probably.
    I’m starting to miss DDT, the bedbug epidemic has me FREAKING!
    I heard you have to set your house on fire to get rid of them.

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  5. Organic gardening … while I don’t enjoy eating/drinking chemicals, I learned that organic gardening isn’t for me. You can’t treat your garden, lawn, ANYTHING in Germany. After I picked my 100th HUGE slug off the tomatoes we were growing, I was done. Threw everything away. Nasty bugs.
    Oh, Tammi, that’s awful!!!! It’s awful that the goat committed suicide :o) and that your poor mom had to try to bury it! Brutal.

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  6. Paula H&B, my sister in law hauled a small burro in the backseat of her pickup once(once that I know of, Lord only knows what else she hauled in there!) Talk about a mess!
    I don’t think I could eat goat cheese or goat anything. I’m a goat snob it seems.
    The main course looked really good though!

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  7. See? We DO read you on Saturdays; some of us are just really bad about commenting. Sorry about that!
    My goat story – I was born in 1971, so my parents were into the whole back to nature, granola crunchy lifestyle. As a result, I grew up as an only child on a hobby farm. When I was about 6 yrs old my parents and I each had a goat. My mother used to tease me because my goat wasn’t very bright, but one day her goat climbed up into a tree and jumped off the other side of the branch, accidentally hanging himself. I guess mine was the brighter of the two in the end! Worst of all, he did it in the dead of winter when my dad was out of town and my mother had to dig into the frozen earth in order to creat a grave big enough to bury a 150 lb goat on her own!

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  8. We lived on a really busy street before we got married. The front yard had a steep incline. It was impossible to mow safely. I told Terra we had to dig it up and plant flowers or get a goat.
    Stupid inner city ordinance banning farm animals.
    It wasn’t going to BE a farm animal. It was going to live in the city! Duh.

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  9. Nancy, the really great goat cheese is DE-LISH! Try a slice warmed on crostini paired with a white wine vinagrette salad, a la Barefoot Contessa. Reminds me of Paris.

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  10. Why didn’t you mention that Faithful Reader Lisa was your tour guide last night?
    Oh, Lisa… I’m teasing. I learned interesting things about goats today at June’s blog.

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  11. Goats!!! I love goats. I love their bleaty little language and I love their Rosemary’s Baby’s eyes.
    I don’t like goat cheese, however. Or much other cheese.
    Once when I was at a school board meeting, a woman rushed in late, looking all harried. And she had a sprig of hay in her hair. Someone whispered to her about the hay. She removed it and said, “Well yes, that would just figure. I couldn’t get the goat out of my car.” I sat, convulsed in silent giggles, for the remainder of the meeting.

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  12. Goats!!! I love goats. I love their bleaty little language and I love their Rosemary’s Baby’s eyes.
    I don’t like goat cheese, however. Or much other cheese.
    Once when I was at a school board meeting, a woman rushed in late, looking all harried. And she had a sprig of hay in her hair. Someone whispered to her about the hay. She removed it and said, “Well yes, that would just figure. I couldn’t get the goat out of my car.” I sat, convulsed in silent giggles, for the remainder of the meeting.

    Like

  13. Goats!!! I love goats. I love their bleaty little language and I love their Rosemary’s Baby’s eyes.
    I don’t like goat cheese, however. Or much other cheese.
    Once when I was at a school board meeting, a woman rushed in late, looking all harried. And she had a sprig of hay in her hair. Someone whispered to her about the hay. She removed it and said, “Well yes, that would just figure. I couldn’t get the goat out of my car.” I sat, convulsed in silent giggles, for the remainder of the meeting.

    Like

  14. What a surprise, I subscribe to like 22 million goat blogs and June writes a post about goats! See I have goats. I have four goats. Dottie, Chi-Chi, Stella and Pip. Pip is a buck. The others are does. They are Nigerian dwarfs and not much bigger than Talu. They do NOT eat everything. They, for example, will not eat hay if it has touched the floor. They also do not head butt you unless they are in heat. Then they get all twitterpated and will try to tear the barn down. If your doe is around a buck your milk will smell bad and hence your cheese also. Otherwise if you keep a clean barn and keep your buck away from your doe your cheese should not smell bad. Goats do not have upper teeth but their teeth in the back are very sharp and will shred your fingers if you so happen to put said fingers in said goat’s mouth. I could go on and on…I love my goats. I have chickens too. And ducks, turkeys and honeybees. Oh, you’re probably hungry…I’ll let you go.
    Smiles,
    Lisa

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  15. Did he really say about the chickens? That is completely untrue and I know because we raise chickens! They scratch to keep their talons strong and to prepare a nest area for their eggs. NOW, sometimes they will scratch to show some dominance however more often than not they’ll just get their wings all wide and run at you/other chickens/our cats/our dog and nothing is funnier than watching chickens run!

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  16. Also, Linda in CO? I’m from Massachusetts. That comment about Poland Spring yesterday was my lame attempt at being funny.
    It’s hard to be funny right now – my city is OVERRUN with crazy people who are already celebrating Halloween. It’s October SECOND, people! In the pouring driving rainstorm last night? We saw tons of people walking around IN COSTUME! Adult-type people!
    Sorry for the griping!

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  17. I think goat cheese – at least the goat cheese I’ve tried – tastes like stinky feet. (Rather, what I imagine stinky feet would taste like if you were to eat them.) Am I trying the wrong type of goat cheese or is my palate just unsophisticated?

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  18. “New York is where I’d rather stay.
    I get allergic smelling hay.
    I just adore a penthouse view.
    Darlin I love ya but give me Park Avenue.”
    Add me to the list of people who love your hair.
    The food looks delish. The caterpillar does not. I’m really glad the main dish was NOT goat.
    I read you every day, multiple times daily to catch up on the comments.
    I have a dog that I have NEVER allowed on the couch or the bed. She jumps on the couch or bed the MINUTE I leave the room, and gives me that “Do I have to get down?” look the minute I walk back in and order her off. We haven’t figured out if she’s that dumb or that smart.

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  19. What color is the sofa? I beleive her name was Eva Gabor. Love goat cheese. Maybe your goat could help in the garden? Goats will eat almost anything. The cats are on the sofa. Nice nostril holes.

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  20. What color is the sofa? I beleive her name was Eva Gabor. Love goat cheese. Maybe your goat could help in the garden? Goats will eat almost anything. The cats are on the sofa. Nice nostril holes.

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  21. What color is the sofa? I beleive her name was Eva Gabor. Love goat cheese. Maybe your goat could help in the garden? Goats will eat almost anything. The cats are on the sofa. Nice nostril holes.

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  22. Dear Jules,
    Yes. If it had been up to me, she would have never gotten on the furniture or in our bed. I am a stern taskmaster. Someone else is gooey and pushovery. Thank God we never had kids. They would be so confused.

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  23. That caterpillar is huge and freaky! He looks like he needs a chair at the table
    Saw Talu’s facebook post…are you really going to stick to your guns and not let Talu on the couch? Really?

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  24. Ok, I’m pretty sure someone right now is all a-flutter over the pics of Marvin’s hands since it seems Marvin’s hands are “special” hands.
    “The Hands of Marvin Gardens.”
    I don’t know why I’m focusing on Marvin’s hands instead of the goat stuff. It’s still early here is my excuse and I’m not a morning person. Plus my nightcap cocktail was just a bit too heavy on the vodka and my head is a bit fuzzy.
    That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

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  25. Cute post. It was like Goatapalooza!
    Goats are really great with horses and can be found at many stables. When they are not contained behind fencing such as your experience, the little buggers like to head butt. They’re not too particular what or whom or where they just charge and WHAM! Endearing but they leave bruises.

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  26. Reading you on Saturday…
    Don’t know why…

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  27. Reading you on Saturday…
    Don’t know why…

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  28. Reading you on Saturday…
    Don’t know why…

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  29. Awww, that goat was totally crushing on you. Did you try to sneak her home in your purse?

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  30. Aside from the dessert, I hope the rest of the food tasted good. I know, life is all about experiences, but for me it’s always the food.

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  31. That was funny! I love goat cheese, but don’t think I care to know all that whoo-dee-hoo-hoo abot goats. I just wanna eat the cheese. Loved the puns. And those cute metallic shoes too.

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