Conspicuous Consumer

I have so many things to tell you about what I have bought lately.

Before I begin, though, can you tell me why?

Y 
Why would Marvin have left one lasagna noodle in the package? One. He left one. Did he think perhaps later I'd like a teeny-tiny meal? That maybe I'd invite Thumbelina over for a pasta dinner?

Anyway, Edsel's DNA test arrived. Because I did buy a DNA test. Marvin doesn't believe me when I tell him he's the father. Sure, he doesn't have large ears and white fur, but I SWEAR there's been no one else!

Wisdompanel 
You get two cheek swabs and you swab a little pinch between his cheek and gum, and mail it back. In three agonizing weeks while I imagine they tell me he's a wolf hybrid/Pekingese combination, they email me with the stunning results.

Old 
Here's me, looking 642, with my cardigan and my reading glasses and my gray roots, reading about the DNA test. Also Tallulah was obSESSed with the test, and I kept worrying she'd get her saliva on it and they'd tell me I had another Pit Bull/Beagle/Tibetan spaniel.

I get my roots done tomorrow, in case you were worried sick.

In other news, remember how I said that CERTAIN COSMETICS STORE has made it up to me by calling and apologizing and also sending me a nice gift card?

Foundation 
If you are a woman or a drag queen, you have not lived until you have used the Smashbox primer and foundation. You need both. They work together. You will look flawless. Your skin will look like Nicole Kidman's without the bizarre injections.

Anyway, I already have the primer, but am out of the foundation, and will be using my gift card this weekend to get said foundation. Am standing here beside self. Both selves look flawless.

I love makeup. When I was a kid, I spent every Friday night at my grandmother's house, and I have no idea whose plan that was. Did my mother foist me off and my grandmother was all, "$@&#" or did she want me there? Who knows?

Anyway she had to do little to amuse me, because she had this vanity in her room that was filled was cosmetics, most of which were not even hers. They belonged to various daughters and daughters-in-law who had lived there. All she needed was her Revlon Real Red and her Emeraude and she was set to go.

But oh, I spent hours in that room, putting ginger-colored lip gloss on, and green eye shadow, and coral blush, till I looked like Jon-Benet Ramsey. Then I'd parade into the living room and she'd always tell me I looked beautiful, which I'm sure I did not because green and ginger and coral are not my colors. She was good at the flattery, Gramma was.

So that is why I get so thrilled every September when Allure magazine's Best of Beauty comes out. For months, their beauty editors (and why isn't that my job?) sample every product out there, then narrow it down and tell you what's the best lipstick this year, and what's the best eye shadow, and so on.

I devour that issue like it has the secret to happiness. Because it does.

Roc 
Can you smell what the Roc is dewrinkling?

This year, they tell me that Roc night cream will de-age me until I look like a fetus. There is actually an outline of my body crashing through my living room to get to the store to purchase this product. I have used it for a month and as you can see from my old-lady photo at the top, it has not worked yet.

But I am KEEPING THE FAITH! They say it takes awhile. If you start seeing my photo on this blog and you wonder, "Who is that adolecent claiming to be June?" you will know the Roc has done its miracle.

I think that's all I have to tell you about my purchases for now. I will have more room left on my CERTAIN COSMETICS COMPANY card after the foundation purchase, and don't you fret, I will let you know what else I get.

Do you think they sell cat DNA kits there?

102 thoughts on “Conspicuous Consumer

  1. Can’t you pull some strings with all your blogness and get a rush put on Edsel’s DNA?!? I want to know NOW.
    I too believe he’ll be found to be part dingo, which I guess is better than a dingbat. Unless you’re a typesetter or something.
    Whatever, how can you not love that mug!!

    Like

  2. Add me to the list of those who can do without Seinfeld.
    And I’m also curious if the DNA place has the Carolina dog in its DNA collection so you can get an accurate report.
    Pal, I’m sorry your dog has dementia. I didn’t even know dogs could get it. But, when you said, “our girl officially has dementia”, I thought you were referring to your daughter!

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  3. I am also a makeup whore. Sometimes I get a little heavy-handed which I don’t realize until I get in the car and catch a glimpse of myself in the rearview. Then I wonder when and how Mimi from the Drew Carey show got in the car with me.
    Avon’s Anew made me break out in big bubbly uglies. THAT was lovely. Clinique has been good to me but I totally have to try this Smashbox stuff. Also I have a tab open for Cosmeticscops.com to see what they have to say. I don’t have wrinkles but I do have sun damage that I’d like to minimize.
    Oh, and my daughter got a new mascara and I couldn’t even listen to what she was saying the other day because I was mesmerized by her gorgeous lashes. I have to find out what kind she got. (She’s not home. She’s line dancing. “Beers, steers and queers, Mom, see ya later.”)

    Like

  4. I am also a makeup whore. Sometimes I get a little heavy-handed which I don’t realize until I get in the car and catch a glimpse of myself in the rearview. Then I wonder when and how Mimi from the Drew Carey show got in the car with me.
    Avon’s Anew made me break out in big bubbly uglies. THAT was lovely. Clinique has been good to me but I totally have to try this Smashbox stuff. Also I have a tab open for Cosmeticscops.com to see what they have to say. I don’t have wrinkles but I do have sun damage that I’d like to minimize.
    Oh, and my daughter got a new mascara and I couldn’t even listen to what she was saying the other day because I was mesmerized by her gorgeous lashes. I have to find out what kind she got. (She’s not home. She’s line dancing. “Beers, steers and queers, Mom, see ya later.”)

    Like

  5. I am also a makeup whore. Sometimes I get a little heavy-handed which I don’t realize until I get in the car and catch a glimpse of myself in the rearview. Then I wonder when and how Mimi from the Drew Carey show got in the car with me.
    Avon’s Anew made me break out in big bubbly uglies. THAT was lovely. Clinique has been good to me but I totally have to try this Smashbox stuff. Also I have a tab open for Cosmeticscops.com to see what they have to say. I don’t have wrinkles but I do have sun damage that I’d like to minimize.
    Oh, and my daughter got a new mascara and I couldn’t even listen to what she was saying the other day because I was mesmerized by her gorgeous lashes. I have to find out what kind she got. (She’s not home. She’s line dancing. “Beers, steers and queers, Mom, see ya later.”)

    Like

  6. Paula, PLEASE share what mascara it is when you find out. I like the length on mine but it clumps too much/easily. Grr.
    Re: Edsel, I also vote Carolina Dog. And after looking at oodles of them on the Internet, I kinda wonder if Radley is a pit/greyhound/Carolina Dog mix.

    Like

  7. Paula, I am telling you. To minimize sun damage and wrinkles, you MUST do the glycolic peels. You can go to a beauty school to keep the cost down. Trust Furry on this. Every single time I go, the aesthetician tells me how beautiful my skin is. And I put my face through a windshield and have had cancer (!). Really. A couple of weeks ago, when she said how nice my skin was, I told her it’s been so ugly to me, I’m going to have to get it to start hanging out with a better crowd.

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  8. Paula, I am telling you. To minimize sun damage and wrinkles, you MUST do the glycolic peels. You can go to a beauty school to keep the cost down. Trust Furry on this. Every single time I go, the aesthetician tells me how beautiful my skin is. And I put my face through a windshield and have had cancer (!). Really. A couple of weeks ago, when she said how nice my skin was, I told her it’s been so ugly to me, I’m going to have to get it to start hanging out with a better crowd.

    Like

  9. Paula, I am telling you. To minimize sun damage and wrinkles, you MUST do the glycolic peels. You can go to a beauty school to keep the cost down. Trust Furry on this. Every single time I go, the aesthetician tells me how beautiful my skin is. And I put my face through a windshield and have had cancer (!). Really. A couple of weeks ago, when she said how nice my skin was, I told her it’s been so ugly to me, I’m going to have to get it to start hanging out with a better crowd.

    Like

  10. Glycolic peels? Ok, I am going to google this and see if they have these in my stupid new town that doesn’t have a drive-thru coffee place between my home and job FTLOG.

    Like

  11. Glycolic peels? Ok, I am going to google this and see if they have these in my stupid new town that doesn’t have a drive-thru coffee place between my home and job FTLOG.

    Like

  12. Glycolic peels? Ok, I am going to google this and see if they have these in my stupid new town that doesn’t have a drive-thru coffee place between my home and job FTLOG.

    Like

  13. Tiffaney, I’m with you and all the rest on the Seinfeld haters group. I just cannot get into a show where everyone is so thoughtlessly mean to each other and everyone just takes it. Unfortunately, I’m married to a Seinfeld lover, and to show you what a good wife I am, I gave him all 9 seasons as a Christmas present a few years ago. I mostly just disappear while he and the kids watch them, but I’m learning some of the famous lines by osmosis (something about a stinky car?). I’m so glad to hear I’m not the only person who just doesn’t GET Seinfeld.

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  14. Hulk, you do know me. I’ve changed my name to protect the turn of my life. Which is crappy at the moment. I used to not use the shift key and write all of my words with no capital letters. it drove you (and probably june) batty. then i mended my ways. for a moment.
    anyway. you know me.
    And, yes, some of Seinfield is funny. George is an idiot.

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  15. Yes, really, June and Fawn Amber! I was skeptical about it myself, but it really did work on me. I’m traveling now and don’t have access to all my photos, but when I get home I’ll see if I can find any that work as “before” and “after” shots and send them to you.
    The wrinkle I had wasn’t the vertical-between-the-eyes type, it was horizontal across my forehead. It started showing up when I was in my mid-to-late twenties, so it was pretty well ensconced. I thought about having Botox and Juvederm, but I’m a chicken, so I spent ten years looking for a good plumper-upper, instead. Now I only see it when I raise my eyebrows.

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  16. The reason WHY I have no wrinkles, despite being mumblety-peg years old, is that I am overweight and so have self-plumped any wrinkles into oblivion. If I ever lose the weight, I could very well look like Eunice Kennedy Shriver. (Before she died.) (Or after, I guess.)

    Like

  17. The reason WHY I have no wrinkles, despite being mumblety-peg years old, is that I am overweight and so have self-plumped any wrinkles into oblivion. If I ever lose the weight, I could very well look like Eunice Kennedy Shriver. (Before she died.) (Or after, I guess.)

    Like

  18. The reason WHY I have no wrinkles, despite being mumblety-peg years old, is that I am overweight and so have self-plumped any wrinkles into oblivion. If I ever lose the weight, I could very well look like Eunice Kennedy Shriver. (Before she died.) (Or after, I guess.)

    Like

  19. Fascinated is what I am today. Tammi V.V., I also have the wedge between my eyes. Also have the horizontal across the forehead that looks makes me appear to have a ledge on my forehead. Going to try Dermological Super Rich Repair. (maybe if we type it enough they will send June free samples!)
    Those of you suggested the glycolic peel. Is it kind to the sensitive skin? Will it lessen the dark spots I have from sun damage? Is it safe to do this type treatment at beauty school by a student?
    Wouldn’t it be fun to send June all our before and after pictures after using all the Faithful Readers suggestions?
    Can any of you recommend a good product for the after 40 sag that starts to happen in the jawline area? Wrinkles aren’t an issue, yet. But I am noticing the sag.
    I have used the Oil of Olay moisturizer since my teens. I’ve followed the Mary Kay rule of upwards strokes from the neck up and to only use my ring finger around my eyes, always going towards the nose when applying. No wrinkles.

    Like

  20. Fascinated is what I am today. Tammi V.V., I also have the wedge between my eyes. Also have the horizontal across the forehead that looks makes me appear to have a ledge on my forehead. Going to try Dermological Super Rich Repair. (maybe if we type it enough they will send June free samples!)
    Those of you suggested the glycolic peel. Is it kind to the sensitive skin? Will it lessen the dark spots I have from sun damage? Is it safe to do this type treatment at beauty school by a student?
    Wouldn’t it be fun to send June all our before and after pictures after using all the Faithful Readers suggestions?
    Can any of you recommend a good product for the after 40 sag that starts to happen in the jawline area? Wrinkles aren’t an issue, yet. But I am noticing the sag.
    I have used the Oil of Olay moisturizer since my teens. I’ve followed the Mary Kay rule of upwards strokes from the neck up and to only use my ring finger around my eyes, always going towards the nose when applying. No wrinkles.

    Like

  21. Fascinated is what I am today. Tammi V.V., I also have the wedge between my eyes. Also have the horizontal across the forehead that looks makes me appear to have a ledge on my forehead. Going to try Dermological Super Rich Repair. (maybe if we type it enough they will send June free samples!)
    Those of you suggested the glycolic peel. Is it kind to the sensitive skin? Will it lessen the dark spots I have from sun damage? Is it safe to do this type treatment at beauty school by a student?
    Wouldn’t it be fun to send June all our before and after pictures after using all the Faithful Readers suggestions?
    Can any of you recommend a good product for the after 40 sag that starts to happen in the jawline area? Wrinkles aren’t an issue, yet. But I am noticing the sag.
    I have used the Oil of Olay moisturizer since my teens. I’ve followed the Mary Kay rule of upwards strokes from the neck up and to only use my ring finger around my eyes, always going towards the nose when applying. No wrinkles.

    Like

  22. The sag sucks. One thing that I found that helps is sleeping on your back. I noticed a difference when I was forced to sleep that way when I was having jaw pain. I don’t have the jaw pain and I’m sagging less. Gravity man. Not good for the face. Have you ever look DOWN into a mirror? Go, see for yourself. Horrid. Well maybe not for Amy who has the skin of a baby’s bottom.

    Like

  23. Duffylou - if anyone needs me i'll be hiding in the closet with the door closed and the light out with my skeletons says:

    You guys are hilarious. Number one, I get Seinfeld. Watching it once was plenty. I don’t need to be reminded.
    I tell my self the reason I have wrinkles is because I laugh so much. Ha! That’s funny. I can’t use moisturizer because I still have breakouts like a 14 year old boy. The only thing I can use is OoO Regenerist Eye Lifting Serum.
    And yeah, I sleep on my side with my face smooshed in the pillow. I am a sight to behold in the morning with my pillow creased face. Growing old is just so damn fun. And Paula I have the whole overweight think going for me, but it missed my crows feet. And my old woman’s hands.

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  24. Hulk, take a cold shower. I’m sure all this talk of wrinkles and sagging jawlines is getting you hot!

    Like

  25. I AM TELLING YOU. Do the collagen facial. It’s pricey, but you’ll notice a tightening immediately that lasts for about six weeks or eight weeks or so. LOVE IT. Had one before my reunion last weekend. Everybody (guys and girls) said I looked exactly the same. And they weren’t so kind to others…
    And the glycolic peels.

    Like

  26. I AM TELLING YOU. Do the collagen facial. It’s pricey, but you’ll notice a tightening immediately that lasts for about six weeks or eight weeks or so. LOVE IT. Had one before my reunion last weekend. Everybody (guys and girls) said I looked exactly the same. And they weren’t so kind to others…
    And the glycolic peels.

    Like

  27. I AM TELLING YOU. Do the collagen facial. It’s pricey, but you’ll notice a tightening immediately that lasts for about six weeks or eight weeks or so. LOVE IT. Had one before my reunion last weekend. Everybody (guys and girls) said I looked exactly the same. And they weren’t so kind to others…
    And the glycolic peels.

    Like

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