Conspicuous Consumer

I have so many things to tell you about what I have bought lately.

Before I begin, though, can you tell me why?

Why would Marvin have left one lasagna noodle in the package? One. He left one. Did he think perhaps later I'd like a teeny-tiny meal? That maybe I'd invite Thumbelina over for a pasta dinner?

Anyway, Edsel's DNA test arrived. Because I did buy a DNA test. Marvin doesn't believe me when I tell him he's the father. Sure, he doesn't have large ears and white fur, but I SWEAR there's been no one else!

You get two cheek swabs and you swab a little pinch between his cheek and gum, and mail it back. In three agonizing weeks while I imagine they tell me he's a wolf hybrid/Pekingese combination, they email me with the stunning results.

Here's me, looking 642, with my cardigan and my reading glasses and my gray roots, reading about the DNA test. Also Tallulah was obSESSed with the test, and I kept worrying she'd get her saliva on it and they'd tell me I had another Pit Bull/Beagle/Tibetan spaniel.

I get my roots done tomorrow, in case you were worried sick.

In other news, remember how I said that CERTAIN COSMETICS STORE has made it up to me by calling and apologizing and also sending me a nice gift card?

If you are a woman or a drag queen, you have not lived until you have used the Smashbox primer and foundation. You need both. They work together. You will look flawless. Your skin will look like Nicole Kidman's without the bizarre injections.

Anyway, I already have the primer, but am out of the foundation, and will be using my gift card this weekend to get said foundation. Am standing here beside self. Both selves look flawless.

I love makeup. When I was a kid, I spent every Friday night at my grandmother's house, and I have no idea whose plan that was. Did my mother foist me off and my grandmother was all, "$@&#" or did she want me there? Who knows?

Anyway she had to do little to amuse me, because she had this vanity in her room that was filled was cosmetics, most of which were not even hers. They belonged to various daughters and daughters-in-law who had lived there. All she needed was her Revlon Real Red and her Emeraude and she was set to go.

But oh, I spent hours in that room, putting ginger-colored lip gloss on, and green eye shadow, and coral blush, till I looked like Jon-Benet Ramsey. Then I'd parade into the living room and she'd always tell me I looked beautiful, which I'm sure I did not because green and ginger and coral are not my colors. She was good at the flattery, Gramma was.

So that is why I get so thrilled every September when Allure magazine's Best of Beauty comes out. For months, their beauty editors (and why isn't that my job?) sample every product out there, then narrow it down and tell you what's the best lipstick this year, and what's the best eye shadow, and so on.

I devour that issue like it has the secret to happiness. Because it does.

Can you smell what the Roc is dewrinkling?

This year, they tell me that Roc night cream will de-age me until I look like a fetus. There is actually an outline of my body crashing through my living room to get to the store to purchase this product. I have used it for a month and as you can see from my old-lady photo at the top, it has not worked yet.

But I am KEEPING THE FAITH! They say it takes awhile. If you start seeing my photo on this blog and you wonder, "Who is that adolecent claiming to be June?" you will know the Roc has done its miracle.

I think that's all I have to tell you about my purchases for now. I will have more room left on my CERTAIN COSMETICS COMPANY card after the foundation purchase, and don't you fret, I will let you know what else I get.

Do you think they sell cat DNA kits there?

102 thoughts on “Conspicuous Consumer

  1. I AM TELLING YOU. Do the collagen facial. It’s pricey, but you’ll notice a tightening immediately that lasts for about six weeks or eight weeks or so. LOVE IT. Had one before my reunion last weekend. Everybody (guys and girls) said I looked exactly the same. And they weren’t so kind to others…
    And the glycolic peels.


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