I survived the Nester visit

Clean
Today is the day my Tea Partier/Dog Walker is going to clean my disgusting house! Oh, what a red-letter day. I think it took as much time for me to prepare for her as it would have to, you know, clean the house.

Still. I am bad at cleaning. Do you clean the house and when you're done it doesn't look clean? Because that's what happens to me. If anyone has a clean-your-house tutorial, I would love that. Oooo! Pieces of wisdom idea!

In other news, the Nester came over on Saturday, as planned, along with her cute dad, her sister Chatting and their friend Annie, who was visiting from Nashville for the weekend and who I fell in love with immediately.

She had on these sparkly shoes:

Annieshoes
Enough said. Oh, except she wore these shoes TO THE GRAMMYS. Hello. Love her. Want to be her.

At any rate, they delivered my new coffee table, which is delightful:

Newttable
Look how I've already managed to mess it up with crap.

Then, are you sitting down? ARE YOU? Nester — no, wait. Are you sitting down for reals?

Nester walked around my house and ADMIRED THINGS! THE NESTER DID! You guys. If the Nester ever talks about me on her blog? Like she'll say, "This was big, like June's hair," I'll get 4,000 viewers that day. And those are just her DREGS.

She liked my cupboard in my kitchen, and she liked my pie painting in the living room, and she liked my anal color-coordinated books on my bookshelf, and she thought my house was cute, and I don't care if she was just being polite, it was like Coco Chanel saying, "Cute outfit."

In the meantime, Marvin played his victrola for Nester and Chatting's religious dad, and immediately played some 1920 song about a prostitute.

Sigh.

I'm being brought up and dragged down, all at the same time. He was jamming out to it, though, their dad, because I hate to say it but it's a catchy tune.

Anyway.

The only caveat to this whole shebang was I had to go to Chatting's house yesterday and get the drawer for the table, which meant Edsel got another play date with Chatting's puppy.

But Edsel was out-puppied this time and got scared of the ball of energy that was Finn.

Snoutoffear
Edselfotoffear
"i not heer. play wif leef."

So there you go. Oh, and in case you were obsessed with looking at everything on my new coffee table, note I have March, our book club book that we are supposed to be reading. I am doing my part! Are you? Hmmmm?

 

 

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Author: June

At one point, I was sort of hot, in a "she's 27 and probably a 7" kind of a way. Now I'm old and have to develop a charming personality. Guess how that's going.

154 thoughts on “I survived the Nester visit”

  1. Boy it’s hard to keep up with the comments today. I just wanted to say that I’m with OJ. I love Good N Plentys, black licorice, and wax lips. And candy cigarettes.
    And I’m also in agreement with Nester and Darla. I love seeing photos of your house – it’s so eclectic. I like your new couch, your blue walls, and your demon-dog on said couch. And anything on your walls that has shown up in other pictures. You have great taste.

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  2. Wait, what? We’re doing a childhood trauma Wednesday Wisdom Whatever-It’s-Called? Yay! I’ll finally be able to keep up! Unless you’re limiting it to traumatic clown art from the seventies and eighties.
    Also — whoever said that thing about circus people being able to check their own buttholes? I know someone with freakish yoga talents and I swear I’m not making this up: she’s physically capable of kissing her own ass.

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  3. Ok. My childhood trauma was ALSO the vampire clown that June’s parents had in their house. MAN was that the creepiest thing or WHAT?!!
    Also, I must tell you the story of our former upstairs neighbors. These two people, thank GOD, found each other to marry so that their diseased minds could not spread their most foul pastimes. These were and still are the craziest couple we have ever, ever known.
    They told us – rather proudly – one evening that they routinely take pictures of each other’s anuses. Anusii? Anii?
    Anyway, they took pictures of their buttholes and then would have a “fun” game of trying to guess whose was whose.
    Uhhh…k. What the HELL were we supposed to say to that kind of information?
    “Great game! You should totally patent that!”
    Sickos out there, my friends…SICKOS!!
    That was my ADULT trauma.

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  4. With all these clowns and assholes, my effin phone is almost out of juice! I’m bringing my charger to work from now on!

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  5. With all these clowns and assholes, my effin phone is almost out of juice! I’m bringing my charger to work from now on!

    Like

  6. With all these clowns and assholes, my effin phone is almost out of juice! I’m bringing my charger to work from now on!

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  7. Anita? I wish I was kidding. I totally did NOT make that up. They are truly crazy. They taught their firstborn how to swear when he was like 2 years old. Terrible swear words! They are completely nuts.
    There are more stories, but I didn’t want to traumatize all of you today.

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  8. Pal, I just don’t know what to type. Wow. I thought I knew everything about anuses, now that I found out about bleaching them, but now…you actually KNOW people who take pictures of their assholes! This isn’t some freakish porn movie? Who takes pictures of their assholes? And do they bleach them before the close up?
    I can’t believe everything I’ve learned today on Pie.
    And Mrs. Oh, Oh Mrs. Oh.

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  9. Are you home yet June? How did she do? Is it squeaky clean?
    Jan…please enlighten me on the anal bleaching. How dare you keep this valuable information from me. I just don’t get it. All day I have been trying to figure out how they get the bleach in there. Turkey Baster?

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  10. Thanks for ruining Thanksgiving, Lee. How is anyone going to baste their turkey after that comment?

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  11. Ha, Sadie!!! I don’t have to worry about the basting of the turkey because 1). My sissy Jan always cooks the turkey, 2). there is no need to baste our turkey because we have a secret way of cooking it that does not require basting whatsoever yet it is moist, brown, delicious and oooooh so good.
    And SERIOUSLY, how do they get the ding danged bleach in there?

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  12. Oh. Em. Gee. Wow. Um… Well! Oh, boy! The Nester? Awesome! June’s house? Adorable! And now… Can’t wait for Junie’s mom to show up!
    And Lee? I don’t think the point is to actually get the bleach “up there”. It’s more of an… Um…”outer banks” aesthetic application. In other words, it’s analistic, not rectalistic. (The preceding was done only in the interest of education.)

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  13. Okay, let’s take the comments in another direction. I’m going to traumatize all you dog lovers. Saturday I was on the way to my Mom’s and saw a stray dog just hanging around a very busy road, just at the edge of a subdivision. Today I saw the same dog just moping through all the rain at the same location. It broke my heart. Junie, I thought about you and your rescue of Lula.

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  14. Thanks Tee – and June and Furry I just uploaded some new pics of Kitty. Kitty’s ears twitch when she nurses and it is beyond precious!
    Now I will never be able to go to anyone else’s home for Thanksgiving for fear of what folks are doing with their turkey basters the other 355 days of the year.

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  15. Thanks Tee – and June and Furry I just uploaded some new pics of Kitty. Kitty’s ears twitch when she nurses and it is beyond precious!
    Now I will never be able to go to anyone else’s home for Thanksgiving for fear of what folks are doing with their turkey basters the other 355 days of the year.

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  16. Thanks Tee – and June and Furry I just uploaded some new pics of Kitty. Kitty’s ears twitch when she nurses and it is beyond precious!
    Now I will never be able to go to anyone else’s home for Thanksgiving for fear of what folks are doing with their turkey basters the other 355 days of the year.

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  17. Ok, I think I’ve got it. The swabbing of the deck helped. It still doesn’t answer the WHY??? WHY WHY WHY? Why not just install a bidet in your home instead of bleaching your ass.
    And yes, Paula, the brush? Ouch.
    I am feeling all sorts of angst over the doggy in the rain now, Tee. If he’s there again tomorrow will you pick him up?

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  18. I’m just dying over here. All this talk over anal bleaching and then I read Tee’s comment about Mrs Oh’s kitty being cute. The comments here are ridiculously funny even when itisn’t intentional. ;0)

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  19. Furry, I was so tempted, but I was on a mission from God with a car full of groceries for my Mom. Also, I live on a four lane road where the life expectancy of an animal is very short. My 15-year old cat didn’t make it when he ventured into the road. The same week we lost him, we saw three other animals that met the same fate within just a few blocks. We have come to the conclusion we can’t have a pet as along as we live on this thoroughfare. This animal person’s heart is broken.

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  20. I am in the same boat with all the strays next door Tee. Breaks. My. Heart. Daily. I keep praying that more of the little kittens will appear but they haven’t yet. With the condition Yodie was in when I found her I fear that the others didn’t make it. Now I am all depressed. Can we get back to circus peanuts and turkey butt basters?

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  21. I am in the same boat with all the strays next door Tee. Breaks. My. Heart. Daily. I keep praying that more of the little kittens will appear but they haven’t yet. With the condition Yodie was in when I found her I fear that the others didn’t make it. Now I am all depressed. Can we get back to circus peanuts and turkey butt basters?

    Like

  22. I am in the same boat with all the strays next door Tee. Breaks. My. Heart. Daily. I keep praying that more of the little kittens will appear but they haven’t yet. With the condition Yodie was in when I found her I fear that the others didn’t make it. Now I am all depressed. Can we get back to circus peanuts and turkey butt basters?

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  23. Oh my goodness that kitten is so cute.
    Now that I understand the bum procedure I, too, want to know why?
    Why? Just ew.

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  24. So, I just looked up yesterday’s sub-topic on Wikipedia (that bastion of truth) and cracked up at this sentence:
    “Hydroquinone creams can be used to minimize spots that occur due to sun exposure, age, and birth control pills.[citation needed] For this reason they are often coupled with sunscreens.”
    Sun Exposure? SUN EXPOSURE? Maybe if you do yoga on the beach. In the nude. And stay in downward dog (or whatever it’s called) for hours at a time.
    Sun exposure!! Dying.

    Like

  25. So, I just looked up yesterday’s sub-topic on Wikipedia (that bastion of truth) and cracked up at this sentence:
    “Hydroquinone creams can be used to minimize spots that occur due to sun exposure, age, and birth control pills.[citation needed] For this reason they are often coupled with sunscreens.”
    Sun Exposure? SUN EXPOSURE? Maybe if you do yoga on the beach. In the nude. And stay in downward dog (or whatever it’s called) for hours at a time.
    Sun exposure!! Dying.

    Like

  26. So, I just looked up yesterday’s sub-topic on Wikipedia (that bastion of truth) and cracked up at this sentence:
    “Hydroquinone creams can be used to minimize spots that occur due to sun exposure, age, and birth control pills.[citation needed] For this reason they are often coupled with sunscreens.”
    Sun Exposure? SUN EXPOSURE? Maybe if you do yoga on the beach. In the nude. And stay in downward dog (or whatever it’s called) for hours at a time.
    Sun exposure!! Dying.

    Like

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