In which we skip Pieces of Wisdom because it’s a holiday week

If you were thinking I had an answer about my mammogram you are MISTAKEN. I have to wait wait wait while vultures hang on the trees around me and a strange man with a hood and sickle hangs in my living room and the raven cries, "Lenore!" Plus, who tied all the pink ribbons on the old oak tree?

What I like about myself is my lack of drama. And how I don't take an ordinary thing like a mammogram and turn it into the MOST DRAMATIC MOMENT OF ALL TIME.

Or anything.

Do you hear Taps?

In other news, I am already stressed out about the holiday season. Yesterday it occurred to me that we are going out of town for Thanksgiving, a fact I have known for six weeks at least, but just yesterday I decided to, oh, plan for it. You know how I am.

Oh, shut UP. I had to WORK this weekend, in case you didn't know, and also too I had to obsess about my mammogram. Did I mention I had a mammogram yesterday? So that took all my time till now.

So I called Tallulah's day care and asked if she could board there while we go out of town this week. Oh, did they hoot and laugh and carry on. What a bunch of jerks. You know, Tallulah is on the home page of their website. You'd think they'd make special accommodations for their star dog.

I called her vet next, as they also board. "We only have room for small dogs left," they told me. I started wondering what kind of weight-loss program I could put Tallulah on. Maybe I could throw her in the dryer. Shrink her a tad.

"Is 45 pounds, you know, small?" I asked. Whatever Zigzag papers they were rolling at day care they must have also been passing the dutchie with at the vet, since they seemed similarly mirthful.

Finally I got Tallulah in to Bed & Biscuit Boarding. I am not making that name up. The woman who runs it kept calling Tallulah my "baby." "We take your baby out for play time in the morning and at night, and your baby gets treats at noon." I am so tempted to bring an actual human baby to Bed & Biscuit. Does anyone have one I can borry? And I did say "borry" on purpose.

Edsel is coming with us on our trip because he is too little for his spadeding or neutralizing or whatever so he cannot board anywhere. I think he'll be fine. My aunt has two ancient dogs who I'm sure Edsel won't annoy in the slightest.

I had a TON of work to do, so I got home late last night, then had to immediately back out of the driveway as soon as I got in because I realized my winter coat needs dry cleaning and I have to have it for our trip, so I had to go screaming to the overnight dry cleaning drop box.

Then I had to stampede back home and leave a message on my vet's answering machine, telling them to fax Talu's I-have-all-my-shots info to Bed & Biscuit, and I'm sorry, every time I say Bed & Biscuit I die.

Also too, I am supposed to be bringing the pies to Thanksgiving, and I know you can imagine how I have been rolling the dough and slicing the pumpkin or whatever you do when you make a pie.

Guess who just thought about the part where she needs to get pie? Was it me? Was it yesterday?

We have a hoity-toity grocery store here called Harris Teeter, and I am sorry to tell you that my friend The Other June's boyfriend taught Marvin to call it Hairy Peeter, which Marvin continues to think is hilarious even though he is supposed to be an adult.

Anyway, they have a bakery there and I called them.

"Hairy Peeter bakery! We are expensive!"

"Hi. Are you taking orders for pies?"

"Honey, we just baked a bunch today. I'd come get them now because they won't last long. I don't know if we'll bake more before THANKSgiving or not."

That's how people say it here. THANKSgiving. Where I come from we say ThanksGIVING, and "thanks" is pronounced "thaaaaaaaaaanks" because it's the Midwest and you have to stretch out your As for 600 weeks.

So I got BACK in the effing car and screeched over there, and do you know there were 9 million people at the pie section?

There was a very respectable-looking old person there with a Nancy Regan suit and a giant multicolor cross on. I figured she was someone's grandmother, so I asked her, "Is this pie any good?"

"Oh, yes!" Cross Grandma said. "It's what I get every year! I'm gettin' me two of 'em!" Then she took the LAST SWEET POTATO PIES LEFT and made tracks, that old crow.

So I got the LAST apple pie, and a pumpkin and a pecan. The old rugged cross Nancy Regan Grandma told me to keep the pies cold, and my mother had told me about some mythical bag that I could use to keep the pies cool on our trip.

Honestly. People have searched less hard for Nessie than I did for this made-up bag. Oh, I was irritated. People everywhere, frozen turkeys skidding out of hands, single women with carts full of cookies and 87 bottles of red wine, and ALL I WANTED WAS THIS URBAN LEGEND BAG.

Finally I asked a clerk, who swore he knew what I meant but couldn't find it either.

We paged the Hairy Peeter manager. He was about seven years old.

"It's Thanksgiving week and someone wants a FREEZER BAG?" he stormed out of the back room.

"Um, this is the customer, right here."

The manager, who was appropriately chagrined about complaining about me RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME, told me they were phasing out the freezer bags to force people to buy the $11 Hairy Peeter bags.

"I'll take one," I said.

"WHAT?" both store clerks said.

"I don't even care. I just want to go home. Get me a Hairy Peeter bag."

"Red, green, or blue?" asked the manager.

Bag
And that, my dear friends, is how I ended up with the $11 carry-your-cold-foods bag. Which I guarantee you I will never use again. And if my family doesn't eat every bite of that ding-dang pie it is going up bums.

What am I talking about? Have I met my family? What pie?

Finally, there was good news in this otherwise press-your-boobages stress-about-holidays kind of a day.

Prexmas
I got pre-Christmas presents from my Aunt Mary. Yes, she IS the aunt who likes to shop.

Xmast
I got a Christmas tee shirt…

Ornament
…and this pretty ornament. Her little whatever-that-is that she's holding is actually pink. I do not know why it turned out blue in the photograph. I thought pictures didn't lie or whatever.

No. Pictures are worth a thousand words. What is it that doesn't lie? Crap. I hope the Cross-Dressing Old Grandma at Hairy Peeter didn't lie about those pies. Is what I hope. Because if you think my mother is gonna let it drop that my pies were no good…

Isn't there some religion I can become where I celebrate no holidays? And where I don't believe in mammograms? I'm going to start it. We'll be the Hairy Peeters. No. We'll be the Bed & Biscuits.

Sigh.

 

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Author: June

At one point, I was sort of hot, in a "she's 27 and probably a 7" kind of a way. Now I'm old and have to develop a charming personality. Guess how that's going.

74 thoughts on “In which we skip Pieces of Wisdom because it’s a holiday week”

  1. Oh June, hysterical as always. Thanks for the great laugh this morning. When I was a dog owner (sniffle sniffle) I always used to forget to get his Doggie Hotel “reservations” before a holiday, too. No stress there! Also not a small dog. The 7 year old HT manager….hilarious! Have a wonderful ThanksGIVING. And THANKSgiving.

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  2. Hey! You are invited over for the big Ohio State-Michigan game Saturday! Bring Marvin! And the leftover pie!
    Hulkette and I will be baking our famous sour cream apple pie for the ThaaaaaaaaanksGIVING feast at my mom’s.

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  3. I know this next statement will not help you at all because I was ever refreshing FB and BBP to know….
    I CANNOT believe you don’t know the results. How in the h.e.double hockey sticks are you suppose to enjoy the holidays? June, would you like some turkey breast?
    ding and dang.

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  4. I’m sure you’ll be using your Hairy Peter bag again. Now that you have the proper pie carrying accessory, you’ll be toting pies all over town.
    We don’t have Harris Teeter here, but we do have Costco and they make excellent pies. They’re also the size of hubcaps.
    Happy Thanksgiving!

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  5. You can take my human baby to the Bed & Biscuit. Maybe she will sleep there. She certainly doesn’t sleep at my house. I blame Sue!
    I love, love, love the Christmas tee. Your aunt rocks.

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  6. Heeeee-larious is what you are. And maybe I read too fast but (a) where are you going (home?) and (xiii) what days are you traveling?

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  7. But at least Kate and Wills have settled on a date and a place; that’s one load off our minds. We also usually forget to make boarding reservations for Radley until the last minute. So we’re taking him with us this year, and I’m betting he will be magical and make food about five times in the hour-and-a-half trip.

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  8. Hilarious post. I read the part to hubby about the grandma at Harris Teeter. Cracked both of us up. I don’t think you will be disappointed with your pies.
    Have a great trip, enjoy your family and TRY not to stress over your pending test results. I that like say, try not to breathe?

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  9. What the tea partier celebrates Thaaaanksgiving and won’t animal tend?
    Don’t forget to hide the cold bag from the dogs. Don’t leave it at your mom’s or wrap it for her for Christmas. That’s it wrap it for her for Christmas. Have fun. Pretend you are drunk and enjoy it. After all it could be your last Thanksgiving…… just teasing. Come on, if you don’t laugh you’re gonna cry.

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  10. Ant Lindee feels bad for Lu. If I lived closer she could come vacation at my house with my three evil but oh so cute dogs.

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  11. I think it’s “Figures don’t lie (but liars do figure).” Hilarious post, June. Happy Hairy Peters…er, ThaaaanksGIVING from Wisconsin, or WESSconsin if you’re Southern.

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  12. Oh, how I miss Harris Teeter. They lost the Great Atlanta Fancy Grocery Wars. Now all we got’s Kroger and Publix and Whole Foods. Which is plenty, really.
    And yes. THANKSgiving and UMbrella and INsurance. That’s how we say it down here. Please make a note of it. 🙂

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  13. Happy Thaaaaaaaanksgiving, June! I sat here, saying Thanksgiving out loud over and over again because I am from Sh-caw-gooohhh (Chicago) and we do, indeed, say Thanksgiving like that. I don’t know why my neighbors think I’m crazy. “We can see her in there, talking to herself and laughing like an idiot!”
    Not to make fun of your lack of culinary skills and/or even food shopping skills, but the whole looking for a freezer bag thing had me rolling. It just made me giggle that you were looking for the urban legend freezer bag.

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  14. Happy Thaaaaaaaanksgiving, June! I sat here, saying Thanksgiving out loud over and over again because I am from Sh-caw-gooohhh (Chicago) and we do, indeed, say Thanksgiving like that. I don’t know why my neighbors think I’m crazy. “We can see her in there, talking to herself and laughing like an idiot!”
    Not to make fun of your lack of culinary skills and/or even food shopping skills, but the whole looking for a freezer bag thing had me rolling. It just made me giggle that you were looking for the urban legend freezer bag.

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  15. Happy Thaaaaaaaanksgiving, June! I sat here, saying Thanksgiving out loud over and over again because I am from Sh-caw-gooohhh (Chicago) and we do, indeed, say Thanksgiving like that. I don’t know why my neighbors think I’m crazy. “We can see her in there, talking to herself and laughing like an idiot!”
    Not to make fun of your lack of culinary skills and/or even food shopping skills, but the whole looking for a freezer bag thing had me rolling. It just made me giggle that you were looking for the urban legend freezer bag.

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  16. I first read your present as a “Christmas tree skirt” instead of a “Christman t shirt” and I was wondering if you would wear it as a skirt like that batty old woman did on Designing Women. Which I am old enough to remember.
    If there was something serious on your mammogram they would call you and tell you in that Voice to come back in RIGHT AWAY. Even if it is your birthday. Unfortunately…I know this….

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  17. I sampled one of the pies at Harris Teeter yesterday. It was delicious!! Didn’t buy any because it was BOGO. I thought we certainly didn’t need that much pumpkin pie going to waist nor waste.
    You should be able to get a fare for at least half that amount if you fly out of DC.

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  18. Your Aunt Mary is a wonderful person. She shops well and even packs things and mails them! My sisters and I all laugh at the idea of our mother even knowing where the post office is and how to go about mailing anything.
    I think you can rest easy on the store-bought pies. If there were that many people lined up to get them 3 days early AND an old lady told you they were that good, those are going to be some really good pies!
    I think you should take Tallulah and Edsel both to your aunt’s home. Or if you really can’t, then tell Talu that it’s a Spa Weekend Retreat she gets to go to because she is the big sister.

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  19. Missicat, you were partially correct. If you go back and look at the picture of the shirt you will see that it is a tree skirt t-shirt. See? You’re having a better day than you thought!
    Pies sound yummy. We are having cookies for dessert this year. Yeah. From a pouch, dry mix cookies. But it is my Mom’s contribution to dinner and she is having her helper make them so I am going to savor every one I eat. I’m thankful both my parents are still with me to celebrate ThanksGIVING this year.

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  20. When I was in Chicago this past Summer, I was at an outdoor art festival in 98 degree heat.
    They had a stand selling pink champagne slushies. They were to die for. And yes, they contained real champagne.

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  21. Bourbon slushy?
    What?
    Happy Thanksgiving, dear. Ima be cooking for two days. Hosting 20 for dinner now. Making homemade punkin pies tomorrow. I can’t eat the store-bought stuff now that I learned the trick of how to make good pie crust!
    Safe travels to all that are traveling…

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  22. Mmmmmmmmm … bourbon slushies! They were a staple at our old neighborhood in Atlanta. So, so good.

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  23. I grew up in Charlotte, where we had Harris Teeter when they were just a regular grocery store before they went upscale. We also had Piggly Wiggly and Big Star, and we used to imagine that if the three companies merged, they would be called Big Wiggly Teeters. Still makes me laugh.

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  24. I guess I’m not an adult either. I think Hairy Peter is hilarious.
    The Jehovah’s Witnesses do not celebrate holidays, nor do they believe in blood transfusions. Perhaps mammograms are also forbidden. I think this should be your new religion.
    I think it’s funny they asked the person traveling all the way from the east coast to bring the pies. Why couldn’t you just bring a can of that cranberry jelly stuff? A two-liter of pop? An adorable puppy?
    Happy ThaaaaanksGIVING, June and Marv. (It might snow in Michigan, so it’s a good thing you’re getting your coat cleaned.)

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  25. I’m in charge of making the apple pie! (This is the one time of year I can be tricked into voluntarily using the stove-thing.) But I’m gonna cheat and use one of those pre-made crusts. Because I’m not a complete idiot, after all.

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  26. The bag will be useful again in the summer. I keep one in my trunk and put all my cold foods in it when I go grocery shopping in the heat. Then my stuff doesn’t melt all over my trunk even if I don’t go straight home.

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  27. I think you should give out your mammogram place’s address so that a bunch of Bye Bye Pie Fatihful Readers can storm it demanding your results. I would so hope a plane with my catheter to storm your mammogram place. I’d threaten them with a lethal squirt of urine. M effers. Making you wait on a long holiday weekend. How are you supposed to gorge yourself properly when you are all twisted up inside with worry? Don’t they know the level of indigestion you could get? Maybe you should call them today and say it is really a matter of preventative medicine that they give you your results NOW so that you dont end up in an ER far from home on ThaaaaaaaaaaanksGIVING with symptoms of a heart attack that are actually reflux. Again, I say, M EFFERS.
    Thank GAWD sissy Jan is in charge of turkey buying this year. Last year I was in a southern Il town right before ThaaaaanksGIVING and noticed turkeys were 10 cents a pound so I bought a couple. They were frozen solid. Brought them home, let them thaw and when I opened the package of the first one, it was RANCID. So the night before ThaaaanksGIVING, Jan was running all over town looking for a fresh turkey but could only find frozen and had to pay $893 a pound. We cooked it from frozen…I had to get up at like 2 o’clock in the morning to put it in, then a few hours later to trake out the giblet bags, OI VAY what an ordeal. And don’t even get me started on the year we had to have Muslim Meat for Christmas Dinner because I was in charge of meat.
    When are you leaving June? And returning? I’m not sure I can handle a day or two without a post from you. My hands will be shaking, I’ll be breaking out in cold sweats, refreshing the computer every 15 minutes.
    Also? Couldn’t you just have put the pies on ice in a cooler for the trip?

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  28. It will be $11.00 well spent. We have one from Sam’s Club and use it all the time, especially in the summer. We can then go to the store and not have to drive 100 mph home so everything won’t melt.

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  29. We called it the Hairy Peeter when we were kids. Now maturity has settled in and we call it the Hairy Teat.

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  30. I’ve started putting up my Christmas trees. Yesterday, I put up the sparkly hot pink one on the stair landing. The ornaments are old screen stars like Sonja Henie and Betty Grable. It made me think of you. And all you guys at the Pie.

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  31. Furry, what fun! How many trees will you put up this year? Pine scented Scentsy is burning while I clean house today.
    Back in the day of my other life I used to put up five trees. A tree hung from the ceiling that was decorated with a sugary candy theme. There was a tea tree with mini tea cups, pots, plates, and garland of pink ribbon and antique lace. Third tree was dressed with antique toys. The living room was home to a real cut tree adorned with ornaments I have collected through the years. Finally, there was the Charlie Brown tree which was the trunk from the previous year tree with a few branches. Decked out with a few broken ornaments, a strand of vintage lights (some burnt out) and shredded newspaper tinsel.
    Thanksgiving I’ll put up our one and only tree. That is if I can make a final decision as to where I want it placed!

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  32. Walmart. Walmart has those stay cold bags for two bucks and lots and lots of pie. Screw those hoity toity grocery stores.

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  33. Happy Thanksgiving (however you want to pronounce it) and safe travels to all at BBP. June, I hope once you get on the road, you can finally relax. Unfortunately, the holidays include too much stress trying to get everything done.
    Furry, was it the “old” the “screen stars” or the sparkling hot pink color that reminded you of us?

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  34. DuffyLou…your comment up there made me tear up. You are so sweet.

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  35. Furry, your tree sounds amazing! I would stop by and see it on my way to Huntsville, but I will have a screaming 3 month old. Besides, Antoine Dodson is expecting me for Thanksgiving, so I will be in a hurry. Ha!

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  36. Lee, I am with you on the bargain turkeys. I got a free turkey at Food Lion for spending over $50. It turned out to be the stalest tasting turkey ever.
    Never again. I will only buy fresh turkey.

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  37. Lee, you and I are both very bad girls. We have to make a pledge to make that a priority in 2011.
    I get emails from the Cleveland Clinic about upcoming appointments and the date when preventative care procedures need to be performed.
    That one keeps saying past due, overdue. I know I should have it done, I just don’t.
    What do you say, Lee?

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  38. Stop on by, Misti! I’m about five minutes north of where Sam Cooper Blvd begins. I have four loudly barking dogs. We’ll all be deaf after the visit.
    I put up seven, Laurie, of varying sizes. And a HUGE collection of snow globes to decorate the table tomorrow. I just put up the tree in the bedroom, but I may have to add a Charlie Brown tree this year! Too funny!
    And Sadie, it was both. 🙂 Minus the old part.

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  39. Can’t wait to see your trees, Furry. Will you post pictures on your blog? I thought your last comment was that you put up seven Lauries of varying sizes.
    How was that possible?

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  40. Here you go Lisa Pie…
    Whiskey Slush:
    2 cups water
    5 tea bags
    1 cup sugar
    1 (6 oz.) can frozen orange juice concentrate
    1 (12 oz.) can frozen lemonade concentrate
    1.5 cups bourbon
    7 cups water
    Bring 2 cups water to a boil in a saucepan and add the tea bags. Remove from the heat and let steep for several minutes; discard the tea bags. Add the sugar and stir to dissolve completely. Combine with the remaining ingredients in a freezer container and mix well. Freeze until slushy.
    I make double batches and then just freeze it in ziploc bags. I leave them in the freezer and if anyone drops by during the holidays they get handed a bourbon slush. I just scoop the frozen slush out into a glass and it will melt enough to drink in a couple of minutes.
    June, I was thinking I would plan a wedding reception at my place for the big day. I was thinking about the finger foods I would serve and what wedding appropriate dress I would wear. Then I realized I have moved to Dallas and know exactly three people, none of whom will share my enthusiasm for the sacred event. So perhaps we should all just meet at your house for a party? I will bring cupcakes.

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  41. Gah. Fine. I will just bring cupcakes and a girly punch for you. I’ll just swig jack daniels from my pink glitter flask in the bathroom. Can we please, please, pretty please go for a ride in the pink car while I’m there?

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  42. June, I thought you planned to stay with Nithya while in London for the wedding. Does that mean your BBP fans will be celebrating at your house with Marvin and the animals? Will he take us all for a ride in the bronze pink Barbiemobile?
    With the slushies, we could be a rowdy crowd.

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  43. June, I thought you planned to stay with Nithya while in London for the wedding. Does that mean your BBP fans will be celebrating at your house with Marvin and the animals? Will he take us all for a ride in the bronze pink Barbiemobile?
    With the slushies, we could be a rowdy crowd.

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  44. June, I thought you planned to stay with Nithya while in London for the wedding. Does that mean your BBP fans will be celebrating at your house with Marvin and the animals? Will he take us all for a ride in the bronze pink Barbiemobile?
    With the slushies, we could be a rowdy crowd.

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  45. HARRIS TEETER HAS THE BEST PIES! Apple is the best of the best. I bought 4. And 2 pecan ones, also. Because, have I mentioned? They’re the best.
    But why do you have to keep them cold? They are just sitting out at room temperature in the store.
    And I have the same blue bag – I bought it in desperation this summer when it was 90,000 degrees and I didn’t think I could get the dairy products home (2 miles away) without their spoiling first.

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  46. My mil lives in Alabama — bless her heart—and they have tons of stores named “Piggly Wiggly” — we like to call the “hobbley-gobbley”.
    I have a mammo scheuled cause “they” found something …again…..and I am skeered and sick and tired of being tired and sick. Ya know, so maybe I WILL just ordered all the books I want to read but can’t afford them, right?

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