2010 Be Poppin’

Thank you all for coming around this year. Here are some highlights. Or lowlights, depending on your perspective.


 

And remember last year, when you said my accompanying music was like you were listening to Muzak at the thrift store? Poor Marvin. THIS year I used a song by my friend Beth Thornley. I think it is a beautiful song.

Happy 2011, all y'all all everyone you guys!

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My Christmas, a highly anticipated story that really isn’t that fascinating

So it was Christmas last week. Did you notice? I keep saying Ima tell you about mine, so here I go.

Xmasintinytown
We went to TinyTown for Christmas Eve, as we are wont to do. As usual, we had a good time, other than the part where Edsel peed on our hostess's floor.

It was too long to leave him in his crate, so we HAD to bring him, and then he got all excited by the people, plus he loves rum balls, and anyway he just did the excited pee blips, not like a giant puddle. Still.

Naturally our hostess, who is not featured in the above photo because she was probably on the phone with 1-800-HardwoodFloorEmergencyResponders, was quite gracious about it and we will never be asked back again.

We did not get home until about 3:00, because I am telling you, those Episcopalians rock out with their Books of Common Prayer out. But we had to get up early Christmas morning because we went to brunch at our alive neighbor's house.

We told Peg, our alive neighbor, that we were coming over in our pajamas, and so she wore hers.

Oh, the food was good. I ate an entire pig, so crispy was her bacon. Also, I like how people think I stuck with the vegetarian thing. Have you met me and my stick-with-my-plans self?

Anyway, just when we left Peg's and tried to roll home, the snow was starting.

Juststartingtosnow
I mean, even THIS much snow is exciting for here. But oh, was there more to come.

Somehow we managed to open our gifts before we went to Peg's. We did a lot of living between Christmas Eve and Christmas afternoon.

Jewishcowboy
Marvin had his annual Christmas cold, which I think is his body's way of saying, "Hey, Jew, don't let me down. You aren't supposed to be celebrating Christmas." Also, will someone tell him to ix-nay the at-hay from the truck op-stay? He is Tough Guy Levi, over there, with his Jewish cowboy self.

Giantkrabby
Marvin put Giant Krabby Patties in my stocking, and I cannot imagine what that means, and also Eclipse trading cards. I know! I have one card with one of the werewolves that reads, "What up, Bella?" I am the coolest Krabby Patty ever.

Sundamage
From the year I was 12 until I was 25, I visited my father in Dallas and then Atlanta. I would lie lie lie by the pool, slathered in zero sunscreen, and hello, 80-year-old-person's withered freckled chest. Anyway, here is the bird necklace I asked for. Love it!

Pillbirds
Marvin also got me this beautiful bird pillbox, because apparently I am a Krabby Patty and also a pill. But I love love love this pillbox.

Blackmarvin
Marv was excited to get some dumb music-related thing. For a change.

Jams
I was excited to get something pink and cat-related. For a change.

Chewy
I gave the dogs big bones to chew, which Tallulah immediately ripped from poor Edsel's mouf so then she'd have TWO bones to chew. This was as much as I could show you, because every time I tried to get near her stupid bone collection, she'd turn away. Because I was DYING to chew that bone my own self.

Loot
After we opened all 6940-29423=459 of our gifts, Marvin said, "Is that IT?" which is what I used to do when I was 10.

Itsnowlots
Then we went outside to admire all the snow.

Whatsnow
"what dis snow, momma? do edsel like it?"

Edslikenows
"yes, edsel do."

I am sorry to tell you that I ripped all the decorations down the day after Christmas, because it may shock you to hear a large galumpy five-month-old puppy and Christmas decorations really do not mix. The POINT is that I opened the front door to take down the wreath, and Edsel and Tallulah SHOT out the door. I did not think they would, as they usually don't, but apparently the snow was too exciting.

Edsel came back as soon as I called him. Because he is a good dog. I am sorry to tell you that Talu SMILED at me, I am not kidding, this horrid bitchy wriggly grin, and shot off the way she does, reminding us she has the Beagle in her. She is lucky she did not have the lead in her. OH, I was IRRITATED.

I had to go outside IN MY PAJAMAS and try to lure her, which was impossible because when she gets on one of those "I'M FREE!" tears, I am helpless. Fortunately no one was out driving, and after about a half hour she had turned to butter and came home. You don't know how bad I want to beat her when she does this, which if we think about it, it's been a long time, hasn't it? But anyway you have to be all NICE, so they come HOME and don't fear the reaper and all.

Branchy
I don't know why you'd want to run around in the ice and snow when you are naked, anyway. Oh, and she really was naked. I had taken off her Christmas collar and her normal collar was in the wash. So then I thought, Someone is gonna think she's a stray and I'll never see her again.

No such luck.

Rollyhen
But speaking of my bad pets, please note rolly sexy Hen, and also Marvin's SHOE that Edsel has clearly put on the angry chair, which is beside the point but cracks me up. Also, "Hank" of "corner house" is the number I am to call re the dead neighbor. And if this is the first time you are reading this blog you are all, Now, what now?

ANYWAY, Henry decided to get up on the fridge and roll around and be all alluring, except you know what?

There used to be a spice rack up there. He rolled and rolled and KNOCKED IT DOWN.

Spiceworld
Nice. It looks like upturned coffins. And our house smelled like an Indian marketplace. Christmassy!

Satisfied
"henree satisfy. cawse kayoss. krissmiss compleet."

Sigh.

And that night? Christmas night? It was all cold and snowy and blowy and icy? Kipper's Dick Melba Dreamsicle came back! He mowed at the door and I could not believe it! He had snow on his little fur and I dried him off, but as usual he just wanted a few pets then left again. Who would leave him out in a SNOWSTORM?

Finally, I want you to know that the storm did not stop me from going with The Other June to buy just what I needed–more ornaments! at 75% off.

Salesalesale
I got lots of pretty ones, although there are these bird nest ornaments I got that in retrospect look like ovaries in a hamburger patty. Can you sort of see one of them, on the right, there? With the silver egg/ovary and the gold hamburger? Nothing says Christmas like ovaries on beef. I mean, other than an Indian marketplace.

That about wraps it up. I hope your Christmas was equally eventful. And ovary-y.

 

 

June’s lips get the attention they deserve

Juneisodd
Who adores herself long time?

I could NOT bring myself to put on skimpy clothes for that party. It was just so COLD and SNOWY outside. So I kept on my winter ensemble (see above) (do you enjoy my Puss-n-Boots boots?) but put on a beach hat, used a beach tote for a purse, and laid out on my beach mat in the middle of the party. And no one thought I was berserk or anything.

And by the way, those are gray cords, not faded mom jeans. No offense to any mom-jean-wearers out there.

Hats
Marvin wore his terrible Hawaiian shirt and that cowboy hat he got at that rest stop when we drove to Savannah. Honestly, why don't more people invite us to their parties? We pretty up a place so. Also, I applied bronzer. Can you tell? I look like I have TB.

I have no idea what you look like when you have TB.

Hammy
Here is our partayy hostess, Hammy, having herself a Klondike bar. Apparently what she would do for a Klondike bar is dress in shorts when it is 20 degrees out.

So it was a good time, and oh! While we were out raising the roof and such?

Balm
I got glitter lip balm delivered to my door.

Faithful Reader Laura, who I know in real life only because she read my blog and figured out by my photos that we worked, like, next door to each other, and she used to email me at work and say, "Did you just hear those sirens?" sent me a lovely package of gifts for Christmas. Now, you know she didn't have to do that, and how nice was she?

She put a little note inside that said something like enclosed please find a Hello Kitty coloring book, and a pink diamond (yes, she sent me a real pink diamond. See how good it is to have a blog?), and this cute thing and that cute thing, and among the things that were cute was "scented glitter lip balm."

I was so excited about all my things, and then I looked, and I searched,

and there was no.glitter.lip.balm.

I should probably not tell you this story, because I don't want to upset you. I know you hate to see me get hurt.

And there I was, getting this bag of gifts I never deserved in the first place, and I was all, "Well, where the HELL is the scented glitter lip balm?" You have never seen someone go from being all happy and surprised to entitled as fast as I did. I was like Britney Spears.

I emailed Laura to thank her, even though I could barely type, so dry and parched and unglittery were my lips, and she wrote back, "I forgot to put the glitter lip balm in the package."

And there came my moment of truth. Did I act like I hadn't noticed, and was just grateful to get gifts in the first place? Did I tell her that was okay, that she had done so much already?

"Yeah, I wondered what the eff was wrong with you," I shot back.

Diana Ross called. Wonders why I am such a diva.

Laura was terribly apologetic and I suggested she desert her family on Christmas morning and drive said lip balm over to me, through the snowstorm. I mean, honestly, she is lucky I didn't sue her for pain and suffering. Did I mention my lips were SORELY lacking scent?

And glitter?

Anyway, last night she had a party to go to near me and asked if she could drive over to my house, trudge through my icy treacherous walkway in her party shoes because we don't own a shovel because IT'S THE SOUTH and we shouldn't HAVE an icy treacherous walkway, get barked at insanely out the window by Tallulah, and drop said glitter gumdrop-scented lip balm in my mailbox.

"Well," I said, "I GUESS I could let you do that."

I give and I give. When will it be enough?

And let me tell you what. It's like I made out with the Ice Capades, so glittery are my lips now. And so gumdroppy too! I think it was well worth Laura's trip.

Finally, in summation, I do know that I FAILED to tell you about my Christmas and by the time I tell you it will be Easter and I really don't have that much to tell you anyway. I kind of shot my wad, as it were, by telling you about the marital aid stocking stuffer.

So to speak.

I promise I will tell you tomorrow. In the meantime, try to get some sleep.

Sleepfriends
Try not to think about my near-brush with balmless lips.

Sweethen
It was upsetting, but we can all relax now.

Dandruffran
And stop getting our dander up.

 

 

In which June involuntarily lives in the 1800s house, but is not paid by PBS

Oh my good God from Goldsboro, I feel like I have not talked to all 950 million of you in a month. I have so many things to tell you, all of them pertinent, as per usual, but I am pressed for time. Pressed. For time.

We had a snowstorm here on Christmas day, Snow

and a giant LOG fell on our cable thingamajig,

Wireedsel
(enclosed please find photo of Edsel eating downed cable thingamajig. ALL OF OUR PETS were bad this Christmas, except Francis.) (I know!) (when all you move in a day is your bowels, it is kind of hard to be bad)

Wreathwinnie
(attached please find photo evidence of Winston sitting on very expensive wreath made of genuine diamonds) (okay but still, this is from, like, Fancy Crate and Overpriced Barrel, and it cost a mint and there he is SITTING on it)

and anyway, once the cable thing fell, we had no PHONE, and no INTERNET, and no TV, and no FURNITURE, and no OXYGEN, and our souls were RIPPED from our very beings, until this afternoon.

And what it was? Boring. What did people DO before they could watch The Kardashians or Google Barry Gibb?

So that is where I have been, in case you didn't read the comment Hulk left you about where I was. I called him on my mobile in desperation.

Also, I am pressed for time because I had to go work at my old workplace today, at the place that dumped me, as they needed a fill-in while the copy editors who retained their gainful employment took Christmas break. I will be there all week, kind of like a comedian. I'll be here all week! Tip your wait staff! Try the copy editing!

Anyway, going back today? It was like when you break up with someone you really like, and then you stupidly try to get back together, knowing you are just in it for the sex (hi, mom) and few days of fun before it all falls apart again. So I caressed the coffee machines and smiled at the mouthwash in the rest room, knowing I could have none of these things again come Friday.

By the way, my childhood picture is still up in the lobby. Sad.

And I am pressed for time as well because now I am home and have to change into my bathing suit. Yes, really. For a party my friend Hammy is having. She is having a July in Christmas party tonight, where we are supposed to wear our summer clothes, which is a clever idea except all the snow and ice is on the ground and it is 87 degrees below zero out and just the thought of putting on skimpy clothes makes me shiver.

So barring any pneumonia I may catch from going outside NAKED just to be sporting about a PARTY THEME, I will return to tell you about (a) our Christmas, (2) the orange frozen kitty who came back, (iii) how Henry broke our spice rack, (%) the bizarre marital aid Marvin got me for Christmas (or maybe I won't tell you about that. Perhaps I could just tell you those KY commercials? Where they are having so much fun with the exploding volcano and guy leaping from a cannon and the fireworks and such? Yeah, no. Not unless you enjoy mating with 1,000 cinnamon toothpicks.) (Hi, mom.), (v) my new year's resolution, and … oh heck. There is just so much to relay.

Nativitykitty
It would take a WISE MAN to condense all I have to CATch you up on.

Sigh.

Merry Ding-Dang Christmas!

I will tell you all about my Christmas tomorrow, because I’m certain you won’t be able to rest until you get every detail, but in the meantime here are more of your holiday good deeds. Keep in mind I know I missed some of them, especially those of you who emailed me your good deeds on Facebook or my personal email, or those who texted me. Reading every comment since December 6 and cutting and pasting all the good deeds from then till now takes long enough without going to the 596940 other sources of email I have. But thank you all for your good deeds.

Oh, and Faithful Reader Lee was hooked up to do a deed with Sleeping Beauty, and I don’t know every detail yet but Sleeping B has lost her fancy job! She took part of her last paycheck to get gifts for someone on her work’s angel tree. She wanted me to tell you that, FR Lee.

Okay, here we go with more deeds! Oh, and I just noticed, as I spent TWO HOURS reading the comments, that somehow you all got it in your heads that these kind acts had to be random. They don’t. Okay, here we go.

I was going to pass on buying gifts for the family my workplace sponsors, except when I went down to our lobby, I saw all the “snowflakes” (gift requests/ideas) for them. And I saw one that said “Baby Doll for a Two-Year-Old Girl.” Well, I gotta tell ya, ol’ Hulk here got a bit misty. What two-year-old girl should be without a new baby doll on Christmas? I ask you. So I grabbed that snowflake. Then another one for pokeman toys. And another for family puzzles. And another for a man’s scarf, and another for a man’s winter hat…Ain’t no little girl gonna go without a baby doll on MY watch…

Yesterday I washed all of the dishes (from their catered lunch) at the doctor’s office that I clean. It wasn’t much, but it is one less thing someone will have to do when they get to the office.

I purchased a gift card for a family who is being sponsored by our yoga studio. This family consists of 7 children, including 3 who belong to the matriarch’s sister. While I don’t know the story about the missing sister, I do know that the matriarch is ill and having medical tests. Hope my contribution will help brighten their Christmas. While there, I did drop $ into the Salvation Army kettle.

I’m going to my husband’s office party this evening and I haven’t said one bad word about it, not even fussing about what I will wear (unlike other years, okay, decades). I will go without complaint, stand for two or three hours on aching feet and smile and know it will eventually be over.

When approached by a homeless woman, I took her in to the sandwich shop and bought her soup, a bagel and coffee (that was what she wanted). She looked like it had been a while since she had a meal. 😦 RAoK, the second: I let not one but TWO men go ahead of me in the self-checkout line because they had fewer items than me. The second one kept looking at me like I’d grown a second head and asking, “Are you sure? I mean, are you REALLY sure?” I finally told him to zip it and go already. Made me laugh.

I Toys for Totted my change, fed the soda machine (that one is fun) and I sent an email to a local business owner, whose windows I pass and admire every morning, telling her how much I like them.

I contributed to the adopt-a-family program at my YMCA for you. You just helped supply a 3 month old baby boy with diapers and jammies.

I went to the “command central” for our school district’s Adopt a Family program. They gave me a list of families who had been adopted, but hadn’t gotten much in the way of “basic necessities.” I then went shopping for 11 pairs of shoes, 13 packages of socks, 13 packages of underwear, and 1 bicycle helmet! And it was great fun, although I cried quite a bit while I thought of the families!

Tonight I was at the Aldi and a lady came in and didn’t have a quarter for the shopping cart so I gave her one. I know it’s not much but it does make you feel happy inside.

There was a young couple standing alone at the party and nobody was talking to them because nobody knew them and they were much younger and they just sort of looked out of place. Like they had been dropped through the ceiling from the sky and didn’t know where they were. So I went over to the woman and told her I had been admiring her sparkly sweater from across the room all evening and i wanted to tell her how beautiful it was and met her husband and chatted for a while with both of them.

Tonight, I was approached by a gentleman in a parking lot who asked if he could clean my windows for a dollar. I gave him all the change in my change dish (I rarely carry actual cash), which was about $7 and told him it wasn’t necessary to wash my windows and to take care. Even if he headed straight to the liquor store to buy a bottle of Night Train, I still did a RAoK.

I do have a big bag of clothes to drop off at the Red Cross tomorrow but I think we can do better than that!

I’m taking a house-bound acquaintance out for coffee and pastry this morning…

Me and another medical student stayed late today to finish making paper chains for the wards since the poor nurses were going to stay late and do it. Not really a huge act of kindness since my timetable’s really relaxed at the moment and I had a lot of fun but there ya go.

Mary, I was inspired by the JCPenney angel program and bought a whole list for an 8 year old girl.

In line at the quick oil change place, my line moved faster than the other line, so my turn came before the lady next to me who had been waiting longer, so I let her go in front of me – even though I was in a huge hurry. Unfortunately, the fact that I then switched over and took her spot in the other line peeved the person who had been behind her, and they drove off in a huff.

I went on the angel list, today’s the last day. There are three in my area that just need diapers.

Yard guy was here. Why, I’m not so sure because the front yard still has a blanket of snow. He insisted blowing the leaves off the hardscapes in the front, and same on the back deck. Afterwards I gave him a to-go cup of hot chocolate and two brownies.

Yard guy was here. Why, I’m not so sure because the front yard still has a blanket of snow. He insisted blowing the leaves off the hardscapes in the front, and same on the back deck. Afterwards I gave him a to-go cup of hot chocolate and two brownies.

I just got finished shopping at JCP. [The] little girl angel is getting a vanity set because what 5 yr old doesn’t need to be vain?

I’m still handing out fruit to random people at work. Once I hear, “I’m hungry,” I’m right there offering raisins, fruit cups, and tangerines.

I stuffed the vending machines with quarters at work…but then I might have negated it all by getting in the elevator and smashing the close-door button like I was playing Whack-A-Mole when I heard someone approaching.

Following Duffylou’s fabulous idea of using Target’s website to find items for angels. 6 year old little girl just got the bath & body set she wanted, plus a few more clothes she needed.

I charged a struggling, single-mom customer only 15% of what her bill really should have been yesterday. And then later, spur-of-the moment, I gave Cranky McCrankyPants Delivery Driver (did I mention he’s cranky?) a nice bottle of wine, just because he seemed to be especially peeved with life.

Today I dumped change in the fireman’s boot at one of those intersection collection things.

At the food court in the mall this big table of folks got up after eatting and left the poor dad to carry the toddler child, diaper bag and their massive tray of trash. The poor guy was doing a great job of balancing it all but I jumped up and said I could see his hands were full and I would be happy to take his trash to the can for him.

I let TWO people go ahead of me whilst I put my carp on the belt and got my coupons together.

The frozen pizza I wanted was on the top shelf and there were 3 left waaaay in the back so of course I couldn’t reach them and there was no grocery store helper around so I climbed, yes climbed up and reached the pizza and then climbed AGAIN (oh saintly me) and snagged the last two and moved them up front so they could be reached by the next normal sized person who came along and who wasn’t on stilts or abnormally tall which you had to be to reach that pizza without climbing on the freezer itself.

My mom’s company shut down, so everyone she worked with lost their jobs. One of her friends is trying to make things from fabric to sell, but she didn’t have her own sewing machine and was driving back and forth to her mother’s house to use hers. I had a pretty much brand new sewing machine that I bought about a year ago and barely used, so I gave it to her.

I took two items from the Giving Tree at church to be purchased for for the children at the local women’s shelter.

I’ve always been fortunate to have a washer/dryer. I have great empathy for those that have to go to a laundromat. What a pain in the arse! So, yesterday I went to the bank and purchased five rolls of quarters. Followed that up by purchasing five bottles of laundry detergent, five boxes of dryer sheets and five collapsible laundry bags. Drove to the closest laundromat and randomly passed out my bags of goodies to five patrons. Wished them all a Merry Christmas and dashed out the door.

Friday night I gave the son of one of my not so favorite people a ride home because he needed it. (and besides it’s really not his fault I don’t like his momma.) And I watched my niece this morning and battled the McDonald’s lunchtime craziness so that my BIL could go golfing.

I passed a Salvation Army angel tree. Y’all have been talking angels and it made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside so I … found an angel for a little baby girl, aged two, and pulled it off the tree. It said she needed shirts, pajamas, dresses, books, a baby doll, and a learning computer. I am happy to report I  got all she needed and then some with no headache and dropped it off at the drop-off station.

My friend with the preemie and two year old is coming over this week and I have a bunch of stuff to give her to help her out a bit (nursing covers, books for her kids, etc.).

Someone was desperately trying to get across 4 lanes of traffic to avoid going across the Golden Gate Bridge and thus avoid a $6 toll coming back ($6, I know ). Normally I would have been a typical roadrager because if there’s something that drives me crazy, it’s tourists. But I stopped all traffic and let him glide across multiple lanes.

I had to go grocery shopping and was looking for a spot to park. Finally found one and there was a cart in the way. Curses! I loathe people that do this. So I drove around and found another spot. Then I went and grabbed that cart so someone else could park there and the 190 mph gale force winds wouldn’t blow it into the side of someones car. It is so frickin’ windy here that it’s howling.

On my last two trips to the grocery store, I added extra to my bill to pay for Food for Sharing.

I gave my WHOLE paycheck to the red bucket bell ringer!

I was having breakfast at the hotel restaurant this morning, and tipped the waitress 50% of the check’s total.

We got a new couch for Christmas, and we tipped each delivery guy $20 instead of our usual $10.

This morning I was trying to park at Sam’s and a little ole lady came driving up heading right for my parking sport. I let her have it, it was close to the door.

I let two cars into traffic last week on a very busy street and I helped a guy find an item in the supermarket.
The only bit of kindness I did today was to run my son’s history book to school this morning since he forgot it. It was like 29 degrees with a howling wind yet again. I guess that was kind, I could have let him get in trouble.
Today the Epsom Salts I wanted for my achy body was waayyy in the back on the bottom shelf and I had to get down on the floor of the drugstore and stick my rear end in the air and reach waayyy back to get it. Then I did it again to bring the last one forward so the next person could see it and reach it.
For the ultimate in random, my act of kindness today was agreeing to take care of a guinea pig for the entire Christmas holidays. Yes, three weeks.
Me and a few friends bought clothes and toys for a little boy and girl off of the Salvation Army Angel tree.
This past weekend I made a donation to the local animal shelter to buy food and treats for their “guests” over the holidays. I also donated blankets to a program at church.

I donated a bag of gently used clothing. And I’m going to try and salvage some kitschy stuff for someone who likes that sort of thing.

In the midst of holiday prep & moving, I attended the viewing for a close friend’s father in law. My plan was to pop in and give a quick hug, then get back to shopping & packing. Instead when I walked in, I immediately found my friend in the lobby of the funeral home with her 1 & 5 yr old girls. All dressed up three days before Christmas, and looking so sad. So, I spent the next 30 minutes with my friend’s 5 yo as we looked at pictures of her grandpa, ate mints from the big vase in lobby, and talked about her shoes. The sweetest most heartbreakingly funny part? When 5 yo told me I HAD to go see her grandpa at other end of room because he’s dead! In the meantime, my friend got to talk to other guests and not worry about her girl. Not the RAOK I thought I’d be writing about, but there you go. Life happens.

I baked cookies over the weekend and yesterday I gave some to the mailman at work and some to the hard working employees at our local library.

I delivered a big plate of home baked cookies to the local Post Office, they are all working so hard right now. Also made a Christmas cake and gave to our local Pizza Nazi.

Today the fiber optic guy will be here to switch us over from cable. I have a holiday tin full of Poor Man Turtles (pretzel, rollo, topped with 1/2 pecan) to give him/her.

Helped out some homeless people near The Target with money and coffee. Also bought gifts for three children whose parents are in the jail and would not otherwise get gifts this year.

Money tossed in kettles, mittens added to the mitten drive, more bigger than normal tips, advice given to a student who I know will ignore it and keep making the same dumb choices but pretending I thought she would do better, AND, tomorrow? Giving up my lunch hour to cover for someone else.

I also pledged to make this a nag free month – letting all the dumb, annoying stuff hubby does go without comment. He hasn’t even noticed. Which means the nagging probably goes unnoticed too.

Held the dingity dangity cutest nappy headed little munchkin little baby girl at the TJ Max while her Mama tried on some clothes.

I made and delivered Reindeer Food to our neighbor’s little girl. She was THRILLED for her little 2.5 year old self.

Let several cars go ahead of me. Aaaaand, gave $5 to the drive thru window girl and said, buy yourself a hot chocolate..cuz baby, its cold outside.

I was Coffee Claus to the 2 cars behind me at Starbucks.

This morning I dropped off towels and baby blankets at the animal shelter.

We gather up all the clothes the girls have grown out of and anything else they don’t really use that is just sitting around, gathering dust. We even ask the girls to donate a few things they’re fond of, to help them see the true spirit of giving. This year, we piled my husband’s trucks with 3 gently used bikes. We add some grocery store gift certificates to the mix and then we drive down to a trailer park just about a mile from our house. It is where a large population of our Mexican migrant workers live. My husband started this a few years ago. We just start knocking on doors until we find a family and then we start unloading bags. Word spreads quickly and the families come out and take what they need. It’s instant gratification, when there’s no middle man involved.

At Walmart, there was an elderly lady struggling with her cart and a large frame she was trying to carry. I took her cart and frame, walked her to her car and unloaded her cart for her. She tried to tip me a dollar. For the record, I did not take it.

There is a woman in my office who is very nice but completely socially awkward and usually everyone avoids her like the plague, so yesterday at our holiday lunch when I noticed her sitting by herself, I sat with her and let her yammer on at me about her mother’s cervical cancer (which has been in remission for like 15 years but it is still her favoritest thing ever to talk about). It was one of the longest hours of my life, but she seemed to be enjoying herself so I call it a success.

Channeled some good chunks of money to animal rescue stuff, homeless kid stuff, and domestic-violence stuff.

There are 2 new books with bookplates in them indicating they were donated in the library of the orphanage here.

A man in front of me tried to make a basket with a little scrap of paper into the garbage can about three feet away. He didn’t make it, but instead of picking it up he laughed and said he was leaving it there to give the cleaning lady something to do. I hate it when people are like that! So I went over and picked it up myself and threw it away.

I just spent four days with my family where every stinking plan I had did not happen. And everyone else had a plan and it did happen. I did it all with a smile on my face. On MY vacation. That’s my RAK for the week.

$$ to Food for Poor at Publix checkout
Pot o’ soup to elderly neighbors

Many shopping carts returned from lots (bc there are many lazy people in SoFla)

Gave a Christmas card w/$$ to the lady who works at the gas station down the hill from our house…left before she opened it. She’s always very nice & has 56736452 kids.

Brought snacks for the nurses in ICU when our daughter was in the hospital last week.

Took dog food to our local humane society.

My next door neighbor had a flower delivery to her home…I was out checking mail when I saw the florist pull up. The florist left the flowers on her porch in SUB ZERO TEMPERATURES!!!! I took said flowers home until she returned last night and delivered them to her. She was surprised and thankful. 🙂

RAoK I did yesterday was to NOT publicly berate some horrible mom for being mean to her little girl at the post office. I did however smile at the child and send her lots of loving vibes.

I’m only contributing $1 per day to a different charity each day that’s all I can afford right now. But it’s adding to other contributions so I hope they reach their goal.

My RAK for today was paying for the customer behind me at Starbucks.

My sister told me about  http://www.LetsSayThanks.com. You can log on and choose a post card design, all made by children, to send to a soldier overseas. They choose the soldier but, you can pick from a few phrases already written or write your own.

I am washing all of our old blankets and once they get out of the dryer I am taking them to the park where all the homeless folks hang out and I will pass out warm blankies.

I babysat all the kids in my neighborhood (7 of them plus my 3) so their parents could Christmas shop without them.

Sort of scruffy-looking young men in the parking lot of Walgreen’s today, asking people for anything – spare change, whatever so they could take the train back to Boston. It’s pricey – $7.50 each, I think. Most people wouldn’t even stop and listen, they approached me very nicely, respectfully and asked if I could spare anything to help them get home. They both really looked sincere and really had a pleading look in their eyes. So I gave them a fiver and wished them luck. They both said “God bless you” as they thanked me profusely and walked away to ask another stranger for help.

My close friend’s father died suddenly yesterday, which of course makes for a nice Christmas for them. So, I made a huge pot of minestrone for her family. I realize a pot of soup can’t make a dent in that sadness, but I’m a southern woman. We’ve been cooking our way through grief for hundreds of years.

We found out today that my feisty, 3-mile-a-day-walker, gourmet Italian cook mother-in-law, who has been a cancer survivor for 4 years now, had the dreaded cancer return in her one remaining kidney. Luckily we live near one of the best cancer centers in the country and she already has a consultation for Tuesday. We’ve insisted that they come stay with us until after she’s recovered from her surgery. I have a feeling it’s going to be a long month.

I donated to the Hospice Charity today. I have been doing a lot of little nice things, gave money to the bell ringers and tried to be a happy person at work, where the mood has been crazy lately.

I went to the bank and as I was leaving saw the young woman who helped me set up my business accounts. She complimented my Santa Claus earrings and said she had always wanted some holiday earrings. We talked for a minute and I left. And walked right into Belk and bought her some pretty wreath earrings, had them wrapped, and brought them to her!

Earlier this week I dropped off towels and baby blankets at the animal shelter and then today I dropped off books for the assisted livers. Wait. That sounds like I dropped off books for the animals on assisted living the second time. No. They were definitely humans.

I finally finished my shopping for my Angel and dropped it off at Salvation Army. She now has a new coat, two new outfits, a baby doll & some doll clothes, and a bunch of art supplies.

My husband and I dropped off a bag full of toys and games at our local Toys For Tots collection site.

Gave a donation to St. Jude’s. They do good work, those folks. And I always loved That Girl. “Oh, Donald!”

Whilst I was shopping in town, I saw the homeless guy who is always sitting outside of the supermarket. He is very nice and polite and had a cute little dog, so I usually drop some change into his bowl but as it’s Christmas I handed him a 5€ note for him and then I popped into the supermarket and bought some doggy treats for his pup. I also gave some euros to a man with no legs begging in a wheelchair.

I purchased gift cards from our local grocery store and sent them to two families I know who are struggling right now.

I bought the Simply Give food pantry donation card at Meijer and at the fast food drive through I paid for the car behind me. And I put everything I had into the Salvation Army kettle.

Paid for the coffee of the girl behind me today. Have been letting EVERY car waiting to get into traffic get in ahead of me. Have purchased food bags for the homeless every time I go to Whole Foods.

I paid for the person behind me at Starbucks. I have a pile of ones in my car cubby but for some reason I haven’t seen ONE homeless person on the corner yet. Usually they are out a lot this time of the year. Anyway. I’ll keep trying. Oh, and my bartenders are both starving kids (one with kids) and I’ve been tipping them extra these days to help out with the holidays.

Gave up my Saturday morning to help a student complete some community service hours, made a second batch of my salted nut roll bars for some folks at work who didn’t get any the first time because a certain someone hoarded them all, helped three families get Christmas gifts for their children.

I let two people go ahead of me in line at Toys R Us, even though it was packed, they had a gazillion items and I had only two. But they had little, tired children and I had an 8-year-old.

Donated money to help purchase wheels for a five week old puppy who was born without his front legs. He is as healthy and joyful as any young pup, and has no inkling that anything is amiss. to donate by Paypal, or debit/credit: sohfga.com
or checks can go to:
Society of Humane Friends
P.O. Box 1416
Lawrenceville, GA 30045 (By the way, Letha, I have tried at least 4x to donate to that site and always get an error message. Ding and dang!–June)

I have paid for my friend to participate in a Christmas event that she could not afford. She was happy and I was happy too!

Pulled five kids off the Angel Tree at church and did Christmas for them. I am definitely not rolling in the dough, so to speak, but the sacrifices I’ve made to be able to afford to do this were worth it. I usually only sponsor one child, so five was challenging. I’ve loved it though!

I held open doors, gave away parking spaces and did not run down one person who was crossing a parking lot randomly while talking on their cell phone.

I put a couple of new toys in the Toys for Tots box in our lobby this morning. And I wanted to tell June that last year I spent a lot of money on my RAoK. This year I didn’t spend much at all but I feel like I did more.

-I have been putting money in every Salvation Army can that I see!
-Bought the coffee of the person behind me!
-Am donating tons of baby stuff to those who need it.

I did a blog post last night to help out a blog friend who’s beautiful dog got hit by a truck. I was up until 1am writing it up. He’s going into surgery today so good thoughts everyone for cute Ben!

I asked a friend if she wanted to have coffee yesterday..she replied that she did but could I come to her house and also bring the coffee. She had a sick kid AND her coffee pot died. So I stopped at my local Target (hi Steve!) on my way there and bought her a new coffee pot and some coffee. 🙂

Oy! It is 7:45 and I have been at this post since 5:00. Now granted, I got up and shoveled down my Christmas salmon in that time, but still. I have been cutting and pasting forEVER and my neck hurts and Marvin wants me to come watch Season One of Six Feet Under which he bought for “me” as “my” Christmas gift. Because he doesn’t love that show or anything. So suffice to say, we did a LOT of good deeds this year. There are probably 25 more I didn’t get to list! Good job all y’all!

Thank heavens it’s after Christmas now and we can go back to being bitches.

 

Good Christmas Deeds. Part One of 5929058345.


 

Guess what. It's Christmas. Below are the good deeds you all did, although there were so many of them that I couldn't list them all in on post. You all rock the haus! I will list more tomorrow.

P.S. The part where Marvin just called poor Talu "lard ass" is not listed as one of the good deeds below.

My church was asking for sheets, clothes, blankets, etc. so they could help folks stay warm. So I dropped off two bags full of old clothes, plus a set of king-sized sheets.

I ordered a bunch of dvds to donate to the Children's Hospital in memory of my niece.

I didn't cuss at any of my kids this morning.

I purchased a variety of toiletries from Target (Hi, Steve!) and donated them for USO packages for our troops.

We have a list of 30 kids that are in need of gifts since they have been removed from their homes. We have some friends who help us buy them goodies –15 kids are taken care of so far, but we will buy for the remainder so they will have something for Christmas this year.

I started by donating presents to The Christmas House, which provides presents for the children of soldiers.

I just called to officially volunteer at an assisted living facility. I also asked if they wanted Edsel to volunteer too. No word on Edsel yet, but I do have to get tested for fricking TB, which of course I probably have.

A walk to benefit a family whose daughter is dying from a brain tumor. It's so sad … the little girl attended my kids' school … all our proceeds are going to her family.

A young (17 years old) motorcycle racing friend has been in a coma since November 18 after crashing during the Baja 1000 off road race. I've been pushing his story and urging people to donate to his fund via Blogger, Facebook, Twitter and various message boards. Heck, I'll push it here, too. http://www.blaisracing.com/imhof/

A three year old I know is having a biopsy in her brain today for a tumor. A friend and I packed a huge bag of snacks, necessities, entertainment, and prayer beads for her family. We even sent candy for the nurses so they would visit her room more often.

My good deed is to donate to the Dax Locke Foundation. He passed away last december at the age of two. He spent most of his life at St. Jude hosp. His mother's goal is to raise enough money to run St. Jude for a day.1.6 million dollars. Yes, I am extremely wealthy and donated the whole amount. Not! But every little bit helps. So that is one of my good deeds.

My favorite waiter lost seventy bucks while we were at the restaurant the other day. Even though Terra had just lost his job, we left him a ten dollar tip to ease the sting.

I just donated £20 or $30 if you prefer, to the Blue Cross (one of the biggest animal charities in England: http://www.bluecross.org.uk/) to pay for a homeless puppy to stay in a shelter over Christmas.

I'm volunteering at a hospital near my parents' house as a health care assisstant. This lets regular staff have an easier time getting precious holiday and I get to be all chatty with the patients. My mum reckons it could well be turned into a bad deed since I'll be expected to sing carols with other staff and that's apparently unfair on a very captive audience.

I overheard a woman at Target saying she couldn't find any advent calendars. Considering I've been stalking the Christmas aisles since August (not to mention that I know exactly where all the chocolate is), I ran and grabbed one and brought it to her just before she finished checking out. She was so excited. 🙂 I also donated a toy to a local organization for military children.

Today my RAK goes to Mother Earth. Refused the plastic or paper offer at the grocery store. Offered up my two canvas bags.

So far I have:
–Helped a little lost boy stay calm and in one spot until his mom could find him.
–Upped my standard tip from 20 to 25%. And we eat out frequently, so that's a biggie!
–I was kind to my brother even though he really didn't deserve it
–Devoted Saturday to smiling at people who seemed stressed at the mall
–Helped a nice elderly lady who was struggling with her scarf at the drs office
–All month during December I keep all my singles out of my wallet and in my coat pocket. I put one in every kettle, pot or tin cup I pass.

I've donated a bag of food to the Boy Scouts' food drive, am taking a friend to a spa this weekend to cheer her up after she had a dog AND a cat die within two weeks of one another, and I bought a food donation bag at Whole Foods, and will continue to buy one every time I go in to go shopping between now and Christmas.

I'm organizing and cooking for a fundraiser luncheon for a co-worker whose husband has been in the hospital since November 18th with bacterial meningitis. No disability insurance or sick pay, and she doesn't make much as a teachers aide. She's a wonderful person who in the midst of all she is going thru can laugh when her husband is asked if he knows where he is and he replies, "Microwave Plate, North Carolina."

So far this season I've donated to the bell ringer Salvation Army dude and gave money to a homeless man who had a dog.

As a Buckeye, I already did a good deed in helping a Michigan fan with directions that were actually correct. I probably need to step up my game a bit.

Last week I gave away a few tangerines at work, just because. Really, I'm not a big tangerine fan, and I had some extra that I knew I would not eat so rather than let them go bad, I gave them to a few "chosen" few, and they were so happy, smiling and everything. Be on the lookout for more riveting acts of kindness from me.

I dropped off a piping hot pizza to a guy who's been out of work today.

So far I have helped an elderly lady get in the door of the Dollar General while pulling/pushing her shopping cart. I didn't tell her they have them already inside the store. I guess her good deed was bringing it in from the parking lot.

I picked two angels off the angel tree at church and I bought a cute pair of Disney princess shoes and a pretend cell phone for one of my angels this evening. Because even underprivileged 3 year olds need pink shoes and a pretend cell phone.

I took my neighbor some coated roasted pecans. Do you know how bad I wanted to keep all those?

I was in Belk Saturday shopping and had several items waiting for me at the checkout counter. When I was ready to check out, an older gentleman was there looking kind of out of place and the cashier asked who was next and I said the gentleman was next, so off she went to help him locate something in housewares.

My husband and I passed two Salvation Army buckets Saturday and we made contributions to both of them. Good way to get rid of all that change.

One of my small RAK goals this year is to always put something in the bellringers' pot wherever I see them, and I've done that three times so far. I gave a bag of my kids' used clothes to our school's family liaison, and two days later I saw two little girls wearing my girls' outgrown jackets in the hall.

I have so far made donations for 2 Angels from our church's angel tree. Both kids got clothing – several outfits and shoes, as well as requested toys.

I donate each time I go into a store with a Salvation Army bucket.

I did some caroling and visited with the vets at the local VA hospital.

A friend of mine just brought home her little baby from the NICU. He and his twin brother were due December 9, but were born September 27. The twin died three days after birth and the newborn had to stay in the hospital until last Tuesday. When we got the news he was coming home, we ran over to their house and put up a big Welcome Home banner my kids decorated, gave them a gift card for a grocery store, and dinner for that night. It was all there waiting for them when they got home, so they could enjoy the evening at home with their sweet little family and not have to go out and worry about groceries and money and dinner and everything.

The second thing I did was compliment the man at the window of Sonny's BBQ. He had THE most pleasant speaking voice, soft and comforting, and when I got to the window he had the saddest expression on his face. I told him how nice his voice is and he smiled a big smile and said that's the nicest thing anyone had said to him in a long, long time. He was obviously gay, and not the cool and stylish I'm popular with all the women gay, but the I get beat up daily gay. My heart was so sad for him.

My good deed for yesterday was donating to the family our neighborhood is sponsoring for Christmas.

I sponsored an 8 year old boy for Christmas. He wanted a rip stik, which I had never heard of, but Googled it. It's an interesting-looking skateboard. I found it at Target and my husband and I bought him a lot of clothing and shoes as well.

Last night in the freezing cold I sat outside in the foreclosed neighbor's yard. With no shoes on either. Anyways I spied more baby kittens the night before and I finally after 6 weeks of looking have located them. I could only see two kitties and one of them had the 'Yodie' eye: all crusted over and glued shut. Poor thing. After 2 hours I was able to coax out the Ray Charles kittie with some scrambled eggs — don't ask… and I got her in our house.

The other day I saw something that touched me in a personal way and even though I'm shy to reach out and it scared me half to death to do it, I wrote to the person to say thank you, and in order to thank her properly I had to sort of, you know, let the wall down a little or whatever. That totally counts as a not-so-bad deed because it really means a lot to a writer when someone comes along and says stuff like that. So there.

There is a house I drive by every few days that is in an older neighborhood, a little run-down but not bad. Anyhoo, they put up lights and decorations every month. They are clever at finding ways to change them up and make them relevant to the time of year. I really appreciate driving by and seeing the little touch of cheer they try to put out. So I am going to leave them an anonymous thank you card with a gift card so they can replenish and get new stuff and a few dollars to help with the electric bill. I love the idea of leaving it anonymously and picturing in my head how they will react to knowing that their effort really does brighten others' days when they drive by.

– Making and bringing dinner to a dear friend who just had baby #2.
– Taking my daughter's preemie outfits that she didn't get a chance to wear (therefore they are still new with tags) and making gift bags to donate to the NICU at the hospital where my little one was for 4 weeks.

I bought 25 hats today to hand out to clients at our free clinic.

Does it count that I did all my sister's Christmas shopping for her because she can't drive due to knee replacement?

Left an extra $10.00 for the waitress even though another party in the group had already tipped her and donated a children's picture book to a worthy group.

I put an elderly woman's groceries in her car for her and took her shopping cart to the corral. I turned back my VISA card Christmas gift, from work, to be included with the other gifts we've donated to our adopted family. I also complimented a woman, who had a fairly hefty beard and moustache, on her Christmas sweater…as I have a feeling she doesn't get too many compliments.

Today I dumped all the change in my pocket into the Toys for Tots can at the convenience store.

Today I made a huge pan of yummy yummy fudge for some teachers. Believe me, those ladies NEED chocolate this time of year!

The guy in front of me at the coffee stand today paid by credit card, but the stand doesn't have a place on their cc slips for tips, and he didn't have any money, so I tipped for both of us.

Yesterday, a beautiful, scruffy, Benji type pup found his way into my yard. Since I live in the country with not a lot of neighbors, I knew this boy must have been lost. My daughters and I climbed in the car with this sweet dog who wagged his tail the whole time and knocked on doors. He had a collar, but no tags. It took us a little while, but we found someone who recognized the dog and sent us to the owners' home. It was an elderly couple and they were so happy to see their Tokus.

[There] is a website where children and seniors list their needs. I picked my angel as an infant boy from Cleveland. The only thing listed on his page was a snowsuit. It touched me deeply that the parent of this child asked for nothing more than a snowsuit. I purchased the only boy snowsuit Penney's had. And then had fun picking out a few one-piece outfits and sleepers. The most fun I had was picking out an appropriate toy for someone his age. My youngest is 20. I haven't had to shop in this department for awhile. I found something I believe will be loads of fun as well as educational and help him when he starts to walk to boot!

After 30 minutes pretended to understand the young man at the Apple Store's Genius Bar who was trying so hard to communicate with this old lady. We were practically down to sign language and smoke signals. Did NOT speak the same language. I walked out and cried in the parking lot. He was probably crying in the back room. I guess I should have stayed so we could hold each other.

One of my favorite local charities has an Amazon wishlist. So I chose a boy and a girl gift and they will be shipped out in your name. Yay!

I followed Duffylou's lead and adopted a 5 month old boy from JC Penney's Angel Giving Tree. He is getting a winter coat and 2 outfits. I couldn't find any infant toys in stock at jcp.com so I feel like THAT aunt. You know, the one who only gives socks and underwear.

Started the day by driving through the Starbuck's and in honor of my good friends, Kim and Target Steve, I paid for the person behind me.

I also gathered all of my baby onesies, socks and little, bitty, sweet knit pants and took them to the women and children's shelter.

My two favorite co-workers love my coconut cake. I made one and brought it in for the office.

Yesterday my neighbor's trash can & recycle bin were in the middle of the sidewalk long after they were emptied. It is pretty cold here and she has 3 little kids (one of whom is recovering from leukemia). So I just drug them up through the yard & returned them to their spot for her. Not a big RAoK but it made me happy!

At the LEGO store a lady complimented my "Christmas is about Jesus" pin/button that I was wearing and I offered it to her. We argued back & forth, and she finally accepted and put it right on. That made me happy too.

I Toys for Totted my change again and then after lunch I fed the soda machine so the next person would get a surprise freebie.

The school where I work is having a fundraiser for Cystic Fibrosis (a teacher's newborn was recently diagnosed): Sock it to CF or somesuch — donate and get a sock-shaped cut out to write your name on and decorate. There are now 5 "socks" hanging up that say "June's Mother."

I'm a moderator at a forum and we have lots of new kids signing up all the time and today I made a point of going and welcoming a few of them, in a way that was mostly nice and only slightly scowly, even though we're in the middle of a huge reorganization that I'm in charge of and every spare second of my time has been sucked up by moving forum posts all over the place. This is a good deed because the new kids are usually pretty scared people are going to be nasty to them because they come from regular forums where people are nasty to new kids, and it takes a little while before they realize our forum is full of nice people (except me, I mean). That counts right? If that doesn't count then this game sucks.

At this very moment, I have a big pot of baked potato soup cooking. I'm serving my family some and I'm taking some to a neighbor who just had hip surgery.

I did actually sponsor a six year old girl and purchased clothes, a Barbie doll knockoff (it wasn't an actual Barbie) and a bracelet that was on her wishlist.

I went to a party last week and there was a man there all by himself. So I went and introduced myself. He has a lot of physical/social/psych issues, all of which he gladly shared with me, because I didn't tune him out although I thought it might be more fun to socialize with others. Anyway, 30 minutes later, I found myself still sitting next to him and letting him talk away. A friend shared later that Lone Wolf was really cheerful and said that was one of the nicest nights he'd had in a while. So, not the biggest thing, but it's a start…

The lady in line in front of me did not have enough money to pay for her stuff. She went out to her car to ask her daughter if she had any money. I told the clerk to add my bag of Fritos (with which I was later going to make a scrumptious and also healthy Frito pie for dinner) to the lady's total and I would pay for it all. A young girl came in at that moment with a $10 bill and I handed her the bag and told her Merry Christmas! She tried to pay me back but I told her not to worry. She smiled and ran out the door.

And then I got in the car and read the receipt to see what I had bought her. Here's what it was:
one Santa hat
a bottle of El Guapo cayenne pepper
Ziploc plastic storage containers

So here I am saving the world one bottle of cayenne pepper at a time.

Come on feel the Beneful

Marvin has been home on his Christmas break for two days now, and for two mornings in a row his alarm has gone off at 5:00. This morning we were greeted with "Come On Feel The Noise" by …Ratt? Poison? Rat Poison?

Quiet Riot! It just popped into my head. Because you can take me out of Saginaw, Michigan…

Anyway, Marvin, who apparently does not learn from his mistakes, turned off Quiet Rat Poison and went back to sleep. I have no idea if he turned off the entire alarm or if we will wake up at 5:00 again tomorrow. Anyway, after a moment I said, "Muffin?"

"….hunh?"

"Come on, feel the noise," I said, loving myself.

"I'd rather not," said Marvin.

And while we are discussing riots, after I got up at a more decent hour, I did what I always do, which is let the dogs out. Whoo, whoo, whoo. Then when they come back in, they get to eat their leisurely breakfast, and by "leisurely," I mean they ingest it in two gulps and look at me like, "Is there more?"

I know I am supposed to feed Tallulah first, as she is alpha, you know, over all of us, and often I do, but Edsel's bowl is near the back door where they come in after being let out, whoo whoo whoo, so sometimes I just say screw it. I mean, just randomly when I'm out places, I will just scream, "SCREW IT" into the ether. I don't know why I didn't get asked back to the country club.

No, sometimes I will feed Edsel first, but what happens then is, I have to hold Tallulah back in this dramatic fashion, like a bouncer on Maury, while she lunges at poor Edsel's food. And of course Edsel, who it turns out is the wimpiest dog ever invented, just cowers and backs up when she lunges.

As an aside, and I know you have your hands on either side of your face in shock that I have an aside, yesterday Edsel and I were out walking and this woman said, "Well innn't that a purty dog!" then she proceeded to kneel down and put her face right in Edsel's, and people amaze me with their stupidity.

I adore dogs, did you know that? But I would NEVER put my face in a strange dog's face, and please do not look back to the post where I meet the mastiff and am kissing his big noggin 47 seconds later.

The point is, she is nuzzling Edsel and saying, "Heyloo, baybee" and being all Southern, and I notice Edsel is peeing little dribbles on the sidewalk. Because of course he's horrified. I have a German shepherd and a pit bull and they're both terrified of everything.

Anyway. So I get Edsel's puppy food out today, and it was all differented up. It was like these bright happy colors, not the usual monochromatic pellets he usually gets. It was like when I left my house, where my mother made me eat Cheerios, and went to Gramma's, where I got Kaboom.

"What is going on with Edsel's food?" I asked old Come On Feel the Alarm.

"It's Puppy Beneful," he said. "It was all they had."

Well.

Do you old timers remember when Talu was a pup and I fired our dog walker because she wrote me a note telling me to stop feeding Beneful? "Those of us in the animal community abhor it," she wrote.

This ding-dong was not FEEDING my dog. She was not supposed to be looking in my pantry. She was supposed to come in, get the dog, walk her and go home. Unless she did a fecal analysis to see what Talu was eating, she was way overstepping her duties, so to speak.

"You got BENEFUL?" I asked. Because despite the part where I got thoroughly annoyed and fired Miss Animal Community, I totally stopped feeding the Beneful. Because those in the animal community abhor it. The animal community. I picture humans with deer heads, or Pan or something.

The POINT is, and at this point you are grabbing tissue and hugging your loved ones close because I have finally gotten to the point, I poured that multicolored action in the bowl and

Tallulah

went

nuts.

The force I usually use to hold her back had to be doubled. Or perhaps tripled. She made herself extra super heavy and charged like a bull in wherever it is in Spain where they torment those bulls and I'm always glad when people get speared.

Fire came out of her eyeballs. She barked in tongues. It was like that scene in Sophie's Choice where Sophie made her, you know, choice, and I was the Nazi holding Sophie back. Oh, she wanted that kibble. Is what I am trying to convey to you.

Edsel, in the meantime, chomped merrily and ignored the whole display.

Usually I can hold Lu back and then walk through the dining room, forcing her to walk backwards like Michael Jackson until we're in the kitchen and she says, "Well, okay. Lu get her own stupid food. Good enough."

But not today. She kept DASHING around me to get to that Beneful. And the holding back would happen again. It was like I was trying to hold back a falling Redwood, so powerful was she.

My question is, what is IN Puppy Beneful? Bunnies? Squirrel? Cats? What could it be that has driven my dog to shed her dignity in such a dramatic fashion?

Benefulpleeze 
I mean, because she was the paragon of dignity before.

Pieces of Wisdom: Being greedy about a kidney

I know, I know, I am late posting today. Why are you more busy when you're jobless than when you're not? I had to screech on over to another city today to get tested for drugs for a potential freelance job. I studied hard and really practiced. Do you see those funny colors?

I think I made the same joke last time I got drug tested. I am nothing if not completely predictable.

Before I begin talking about our extremely important Pieces of Wisdom results, and I am certain you like me for always insinuating your answers are not important, I wanted to give a shout out to a local misogynist, and see what I did there? He is a massage therapist named Brad, and he is excellent, and I called him a misogynist thinking I am hilarious.

Anyway, I have been going to him for awhile, and he heard that I lost my job, and yesterday he gave me an entirely free one-hour massage, because he knew how stressful losing one's livelihood can be. So I am just saying. If you are looking for a good misogynist, here is the link to his place–ask for Brad. I am certain he will be delighted that I have called him a woman hater 94 times in this plug. Nothing could be further from the truth. He is a wonderful person.

And speaking of things we all wish we could have, like free massages, yesterday I asked you what you would want for Christmas if you could have anything you wanted. There were a lot of good answers–here were some of them.

Deadhork
Oh. I forgot to mention that Faithful Reader Laura sent me a crown, and I am never taking it off. Carry on.

Some of you said all you would want is more time with loved ones, whether it be humans or pets who are, you know, no longer with us. On the other side of the grass, as it were. Here I am with my beloved Mr. Horkheimer. Well, this is a painting of him. The real him is a bunch of ashes scattered in Seattle. But I am just saying. I know how you feel. If I could have Horkie, my grandparents, and my Uncle Jim in a room, it'd be a fun Christmas. Except for the part where one of my grandmothers was terrified of cats.

Could I have larger trouty Don Knotts lips in the above photo?

Surgeryface
Speaking of large, pouty lips, many of you were with me on the getting-plastic-surgery thing. Lots of you wanted that face-caught-in-the-door look I am emulating here. I have no idea how this is supposed to represent any plastic surgery. Marvin was being crabby about taking pictures because he had to get to the eye doctor, like that's so crucial, so I only got one pose apiece.

Edsulonfilthyfloor
There were a lot of wishes for Edsel on a despicably dirty kitchen floor. Honest engine, why did I decide to get two dogs?

Really no one wished for either of these things, this photo was just next in line and you know I like to show off his sweet underbite. You should see what it looks like when you pull his lips back. You could put a boat in the space between that underbite and his top teefs. I may plant a little garden in there. Store my valuables. Keep a spare house key. Put in another bedroom. Start a cult. Open a gym.

Okay, I'm done.

Balcknwhitewhy
This photo came out black and white, and I'd like to thank Marvin for his top-notch photography. Maybe he really SHOULD get to the eye doctor. I have no idea how you set my camera to black and white. No clue how he managed this. Anyway. Speaking of dirty floors, a lot of commentors wished for maids, cooks, personal servants of any kind. See, you could be like me and just never cook or clean, then you wouldn't have to worry about wanting those things.

That crown is excellent, isn't it?

Kidney
Some wished for good health for themselves and others. Here is me trying to point out a new kidney, which one reader needs and I hope he gets. Marvin at this point was over the part where he was supposed to photograph me. I swear he's in love with our eye doctor, Gertrude, so interested was he in getting to his appointment. Maybe he gets really turned on by that puff of air thing they do. Do I know? Anyway, I do not know what is sadder: needing a kidney or having to photograph one's own kidney.

Redecorate
I was surprised at how many people would redo their kitchens, bathrooms, entire houses if they had the cash. I am crouched here because if I could redo anything, I would knock out this stupid half wall in the kitchen and have an open space into the back room. My mother suggested it and now I am stuck just wishing I could do it. Life is cruel. At least I have a crown.

So that's what we would do if we had limitless cash, which most of us don't. I mean, I do, because I am royalty. I am a member of the Imperial Margarine family, descended from King Vitamin. And according to my drug test today, I am a bit of a Speed Queen.

Okay, really done. My great uncle on my mother's side was the Burger King. Also, we are somehow related to King Friday, but I forget how.

Someone stop me, before you all get royally pissed.

Pieces of Wisdom–Greed Edition

I had a dream last night that I found the best mascara ever. My eyelashes looked like I had slaughtered a mink and slapped its poor pelt up there. Oh, my lashes looked good. In my dream, I kept admiring them in the mirror and batting them at everyone.

Am I the shallowest person you ever met in your life?

Or what?

In other deep news, Kate, the future queen of England, emailed me. She reads my blog. She is one of the 950 million. You may have seen her comments–her comment name is camillasnevergettingherwrinkledbuttinthatthrone? Anyway, she said because I am so into the royal wedding, and was such a Diana fan, that she wanted to send me a little token of her appreciation.

005
So she sent me her engagement ring.

Dianapetsedsel
Alternatively, perhaps my QVC simulated Princess Diana ring arrived! Edsel is thrilled.

I wore it out last night with some friends, and was I obsessed? Did I have to bring it up at every turn? "My Princess Diana ring and I will have coffee." "Oooo! My Princess Diana ring and I found it quite chilly out tonight!"

I am delighted to tell you that toward the end of the night, some guy I don't know very well took my hand and said, "Woah! Bling-bling!"

Okay. 2002 called. Wants its phrase back. But still. At least someone finally noticed my large extremely real sapphire without me bringing it up.

Which brings me to today's Pieces of Wisdom question. It's Christmastime, whether you celebrate Christmas or not. I mean, December 25 is Christmas, I'm just telling you, even if you are a pagan. And what I really enjoy about Christmas is sitting by the tree when it's quiet, and really contemplating all the things Ima get.

So that's today's question. If you could have anything you wanted for Christmas, the sky's the limit, money is no object, what would you want? And if you don't celebrate Christmas, pretend you do. Or at least pretend you could have whatever gift you wanted.

Me? I'd want plastic surgery to rid myself of this bulbous nose. Maybe a little eye lift, so I could always look like I was saying, "You stuck my Lady Diana ring WHERE?"

I mean, it's just the same as wanting peace on earth, because if I had a better nose, I'd feel so peaceful. Oh, and filler. For that Panama Canal wrinkle between my eyebrows. It's like my eyebrows are always trying to say, "We're number one!" Like, OKAY, we get it. Please be number blank again.

So what say you? Be greedy. Go!

 

Chicken

If you want to hear the whole story on what Ima tell you, click here. But I'm just saying. I hope you're on Christmas vacation this week, because I just looked at that post and it is seventy years long.

If you do not wish to go to that link, today I am going to talk about Rik, and when I was searching for that link above, I noticed every time I talk about Rik in this blog, the word "idiot" follows soon after. Or just before. Basically you cannot say his name without "idiot" coming up somewhere nearby.

In a nutshell–and I'd like to PUT Rik in a nutshell, and then get one of those soldier nutcracker things and clamp its mouth shut, hard–Rik was this Italian homeless "actor" and "detective" who never worked a day in his life, who scammed his way into my landlord's apartment above mine when my landlord got old and feeble, and he basically cut my sweet old landlord off from all his friends, took all his money, neglected my landlord till he died, then squatted in my landlord's million-dollar reversed-mortgage duplex until he was kicked out on the street.

Oh, and did I mention by the time they kicked him out he was housing pigeons INSIDE the house? The whole thing had to be gutted, basically.

Obviously, this is a large nutshell. It is hard for me to not go on about Rik. He is a ridiculous member of society.

The point is, no one in my old neighborhood knows where stupid Rik actually lives anymore, but he still hangs around, with his shopping cart full of birdseed, and he still leaves his ludicrous flyers everywhere.

He always left these flyers all over the place: telephone poles, on top of newspaper dispensers, on bulletin boards at landrymats, you name it. I cannot imagine that anyone actually ever called him as a result of these, because as you will see all they do is advertise, "I am a crazy person."

One of my old neighbors was kind enough to send me some of Rik's idiotic flyers along with her Christmas card, and I thought I'd share them with you, the viewing public.

Officerrik

Do you know what Rik certainly is? A licensed U.S. security officer. Also, I can tell he's fluent in English, with his "care taker" two words self. And I love how he is advertising that he is a conservator. How about "I will scam your old relatives, then tell elder abuse that I am your relative's gay lover" which is what he did when we dragged his useless arse into court. AND THEY BELIEVED HIM.

Also, do you know what I am? Good at scanning straightedly.

  Stalkrik
However, it's okay to stalk yourself. Just don't stalk other people.

I don't know about you, but I feel so enlightened by his little words of wisdom at the bottom. Forget drugs! I'm gonna "do what I want do" with myself!

  Cowardidiotrik
Yes, "Coward," call him. I can see how you'd feel compelled to stampede to the phone. Also, I did show you this guy's YouTube video before, but I refuse to promote it further. Plus, do you really want to see him chew a hot dog then feed it to a pigeon? No. You do not. "Don't be shy!"

Chickenrik
Oh no! A chicken is on the "lose." Did he mention he's fluent in English?

Do you have any idea how much I wanted to NOT erase his phone number, so people from all over, all 950 million of my readers, could call this idiot and say, "I have seen the chicken!" Oh, I live to torment this guy. Because he is dreadful.

Apparently there is a new flyer my friend is gonna send me, where Rik offers "romantic massages." Call me, "cowards," if you want his number to set that up.

"Understanding."

June

YouTube.com

In which June has found her calling

While Marvin got me a gift, I totally went to Target. Because where else can you find a hot young salesboy to seduce?

Actually, I was out of my meds, which I suppose has been evident for years. Target was empty and pristine, and the parking lot was a delight. Mmm-hmmm. When I finally burst my way through to the pharmacy counter, which actually really WAS empty, I said to the pharmacist, "I'm Christmas shopping for pharmaceuticals."

Do you know he made me show ID? That was the first time they have ever done that. The humorless rat bastard. Plus, I hear there is a huge market for migraine prevention meds out there. I was gonna turn around and hit the clubs, sell them individually.

Anyway. I bought some delightful things to stuff the stockings of my pets, and yes they have stockings, shut up. One thing I got was this tough rubber toy, I guess it was kind of copying the Kong, but it seemed all educational and PBS-y, because it had all these details about what it did for your dog and how you had to get the right size, and if you got this accoutrement you'd do this for your dog's spirit, and the other accoutrement would do something else, like teach him French or whatever.

Naturally I fell for this whole shebang, and as a side note (what? June is on a side note? Usually she's so linear) last night I was trying to proofread something and Edsel was driving me berserk, so I decided the educational public radio Ira Glass toy could be a Hanukkah gift. I got it out and put in the chewy stick that was supposed to stimulate his brain and lured him into his crate, and he'd eaten the chewy stick and the toy itself in about a minute and a half.

I guess his brain was indeed stimulated.

Then I wandered next door to the PetSmart, there, not that I needed anything from PetSmart, but on Saturdays they have cat and dog adoption days, and it's important that I look at other pets, because I have so few to stare at in my own home.

Well.

Right when I walked in, THERE WAS SANTA. I am not even making that up. "Are you taking pet pictures today?" I asked.

"Yeah," he said. He was the gloomiest Santa you ever met. I considered giving him one of my hot street meds. "I'm here till 7:00," he groused.

While I was holding the cutest little Pit Bull puppy you ever saw over there at adoption days, I called Marvin. "Get the dogs over here! We are becoming those people who get Santa pictures taken with their pets!"

I was kissing a teensy gray kitten and talking with the woman who had trained Tallulah (she has FOUR HUGE dogs in an apartment, so I don't feel like nearly the freak I am when I talk to her) when I heard a chorus of barks. There were 87 dogs at PetSmart yesterday, all of them being good, until my two bozos walked in.

"Anita, I hear my dogs," I told her. "Oh! I want to see Tallulah!" she said, having not seen her since Talu graduated from puppy education classes.

Tallulah immediately stopped barking and leaped onto Anita, which was, like, the day one thing we were taught to stop them from doing. "Well, hello, Tallulah. You're awfully bad," said Anita.

Why my dogs gotta humiliate me? In the meantime, Edsel, who is bigger than Talu now, was bark bark bark bark barking at everyone. "YAP! YAP YAP YAP YAP YAP!" Even though he is tall, he still has an annoying puppy yap.

We made our way over to Santa, but not before Edsel sniffed a woman who could not have given me a dirtier look, and I told her we were sorry, but really? You come to PetSmart and get your knickers in a twist because a dog sniffed you? What did you THINK was gonna happen there? It was gonna be like a day at Tiffany's?

At any rate, below is the photo evidence that I have gone completely around the bend.

Talusanta
"Why Santa so sad? Santa hate lyfe? Santa used to be executif and economee force him to be pet Santa? Why this Lu problem? Liten up, Kringle."  Edselsanta
"…get …edsel OUTOFHEER!"

Edsel could not have been more horrified. Perhaps he is like his grandpa and hates Christmas. I don't know. I am just saying it was not the highlight of his weekend, I don't think. I mean, as opposed to Santa, there, who clearly could not have been having a better time.

And by the way, if economeee force me to be pet Santa I would be as happy as a pig in clover. That would be, like, my DREAM job. And I look good in red. I could stop dying my hair! I could stop Nairing! Maybe my body is trying to TURN INTO pet Santa and I have been fighting it all along.

Oh, and also, I totally know Marvin got me the bird necklace I asked for.

Okay, bye. I mean, HO! HO! HO!

I just called you all hos.

Married Lady

Well, here I am. Naked. How do you like it? I never said there'd be photos.

Today Marvin and I are heading out to go shopping. Because we figured no one else would be doing that this weekend. We are going to the ironically named Friendly Center, a large outdoor shopping center in my neighborhood, and by "outdoor shopping center" I do not mean it's an open market like we're in Africa, and everyone has their ivory on a blanket or whatever.

I mean that you have to go outside, in the bitter 35-degree cold, which for here is bitter, when you leave each store. To which I say I.am.so.sure. But there it is. Starting sometime around Thanksgiving, they have to get traffic directors there, because it gets so nutty. And makes me feel less than friendly.

So I am just saying. Fun? Is what it will be.

The only reason I am doing this is because my own personal Christmas gift is involved. And I heart myself long time for saying "own personal." I am done with MY shopping, but of course Marvin has not even begun his. Which is just what my father used to do, back when he still celebrated Christmas. He used to shop on DECEMBER TWENTY-THIRD, which makes me have hives.

And yes. When my father turned 40, he announced to all of us that he has ALWAYS hated Christmas and wasn't gonna celebrate it anymore, which as you can imagine left a big hole in the shopping plans of my Aunt Mary who likes to shop. But we have respected his wishes and do not get him Christmas stuff, although it's a shame cause he used to give really good gifts. Even if they were purchased on December 23.

Where was I? Oh! Marvin.

So, we have a teensy budget this year, seeing as I am JOBLESS, although so far I have made as much as ever what with my freelancing and all, but still, you have to be careful because EVERYONE COULD GO AWAY next month, leaving me to make friendship bracelets for the cats and get a crush on Regis or something.

The POINT is, Marvin and I are going to a few stores, and I am showing him things I like, then I am going to go eat lunch or get a pedicure or seduce a young salesboy or something while he shops for one of the things I picked out, so it'll be a surprise.

The real surprise? Marvin's syphillis after I seduce the young salesboy.

The real surprise? The part where I finally realize I am an old craggy hag and the only young salesboy I am gonna seduce will have a white cane, and then I'll spend the whole time kissing his leader dog and ignoring him, anyway.

My friend Paula, the one who had the breast cancer earlier in the year, which is irrelevant to the story but there it is, is OBSESSED with Barbra Streisand. See. It is her fault that I knew stupid Barbra Streisand spells her name that way. My friend Paula is SUCH a gay man. Barbra Streisand.

Anyway, this year she got to go to a fundraiser in LA in which old Babs was attending, at some fancy house in Malibu or something, and do you know Paula and her boob were too busy KISSING THE HOMEOWNER'S DOG to notice that Barbra and her missing "a" had walked RIGHT PAST HER?

This is why Paula and I are friends. Barry Gibb has several dogs. I would probably do the same thing were I at his house.

So I guess I had better shower so I can be fresh and lovely to seduce a leader dog. Oh, and I saw Black Swan last night and I desperately wish to be a ballerina and would like to once again thank my parents for letting me drop out of ballet.

I'm just saying.

Perhaps had I not been allowed to be a quitter I would not have discovered the joys of Reunite Lambrusco at age 15. But don't feel guilty. And don't feel bad that you never got to see me perform Swan Lake. You got to see me vomit TJ Swann. Same thing.

Comment of the week is PJ, who mocked Marvin's pain. A sure way into my heart.

 

In which June returns, with no childhood trauma to tell you about

I hope you got some rest last night, after hearing that terrible story from Marvin's childhood. I really did not know he was gonna get on here and do that. Who loves himself? But, you know, after that awful story, we have to be nice to Marv.

In other news, guess who came back? Like a cute cold penny?

Hellokitty
We heard the mowing in the night, and I said, "GET THE CAMERA!" so naturally Marvin grabbed my cell phone. I do not want to hear anyone make fun of my photographs ever again. It's like we all have cataracts.

Cataracts. Bah! Get it?

Anyway, Melba/Kipper's Dick came in this time, just to the entryway, but still.

Fuzzymelba
If we weren't all looking through cotton, isn't he/she the cutest thing? Not that he's transitioning. I just don't know what he is. He (or she) let me pet him for awhile then he looked at his kitty watch and had to go.

Obviously, he is well-fed. But why is he always out at night in the cold? He is like Stella Dallas, looking through the window at the party.

Marvin did not pet the kitty. He sat on the couch saying, "We are full up, here. Try your luck somewhere else. No room at this inn" and so forth. Marvin is a giant grump who has safety patrol issues. Probably the fact that this kitty is ORANGE is not helping.

But speaking of people who have the Christmas spirit, I got a Christmas good deed done to me yesterday! Apparently Faithful Readers Letha and Target Steve are matched up, and Letha sent me some delicious applesauce bread along with treats for my pets via Target Steve! TS knows my address because he has sent me, you know, Target things before.

Notefrom letha
Here is her note, which was quite popular with the cats, for some reason. Doesn't she have good penmanship?

Giftfercatz
I put the cat and dog treats in their stockings for Christmas morning. They will think Santa brought them. Yes, they do think there is a Santa. What anthropomorphism?

Anyway, THANKS, Letha and Target Steve! And probably Beth, who may or may not have mailed said package.

And since we're on the topic of my pets, not that Target Steve is my pet, I wanted to show you how Edsel is just a scootch taller than Tallulah as of this week, and you know what's easy? Getting the two dogs to stand right next to each other.

Goodpicfinally
This was the best I could do, and you can't even tell that Edsel is taller, can you? Also, I KNOW that floor is horrendous. It is raining and snowing here, and these dogs go in and out 248 times a day, and even though I wipe their ridiculous paws, what mud? I need one of those expensive entryway rugs from LL Bean or wherever that captures mud. Have you seen those? Why do I always think of what I actually need for Christmas eight minutes before Christmas?

What would be a fun job would be being an animal photographer. Because animals are a joy, is what they are. And not a pain in the arse at all.

Edselmove
I was dangling a treat at them, and that is my robe in the center, there, and not a giant Ding Dong. Would that it were. Anyway, Edsel would NOT stop moving and looking as though he were beaming up. Note Talu's unmoving concentration in every picture. Once she spots a treat, a tornado accompanied by a tsunami chased by a herd of Loch Ness monsters would not budge that dog. And you know how those herds of Loch Ness monsters can be.

Edselneedarett
Tallulah: Go 'round me, Nessies.

Edsel: Ya want hash browns wid dat?

Treetbitch
Tallulah: Keep blowin', 'nado. Lu spot a treet.

Edsul: Hand over treet, bitz.

Every once in awhile you can tell Edsel came from wayyyy out in the mountains of North Carolina. Is all I'm saying.

Lumove
Tallulah: Lu not able to stand antisepatshun. Give Lu treet now. I bein' good.

Edsel: Edsel smart shepherd. Not have to wait for mom. There whole treet bag behind her. Edsel build javelin to leap behind mom. Let me get geometreecs right, here…

I have no idea if geometrics are even involved in leaping with a javelin. I mean, I guess they would be. Angles, right? You may be surprised to hear that math is not my strong suit. You know, the way athletics are.

Okay, I have to go proofread. As I am wont to do. Y'all all have a good weekend and be sure to ignore me on Saturday, like you always do. I will be on here COMPLETELY NUDE, but you will miss it. I say "you will miss it" like that's a bad thing. Go Google California Raisins and you will get the gist.

Okay, bye.

A Great Injustice

Hi.  Marvin here.  I thought I would take advantage of this snow day (ice day, really) by getting something off my chest that has been bothering me for the last thirty-five years or so.  Thanks in advance for your indulgence on this matter.

Somewhere around the fifth grade, I was given the honor of joining the safety squad at school.  I remember what a big deal it was when they pulled out my orange belt and badge, and I knew right from that moment I had found my calling in life.  After five minutes of intensive training by the gym teacher, I was given my post and sent on my merry way.

My job was to stand on a specific corner in my neighborhood, and make sure that any kids who arrived at said corner got across Oak Park Blvd. safely.  Somewhere during my five minutes of training, I distinctly remember them saying that I should not, for any reason, EVER leave my post.  I took this to heart.

Things went well for the first week.  I must have safely transported at least three or four kids across two busy lanes of traffic (and a grassy median) during my tenure on the safety squad.

That is, until things went horribly wrong.

One morning, a woman came out in her bathrobe.  Her child lived across the street from my post, on the opposite corner.  She called out and asked if I would cross all the way over to her side of the street, and then help her kid get back to MY side of the street.

Warning bells sounded.  Red lights began to flash.  Giant Thunderbolt air-raid sirens started whizzing around in my head.  The Earth cracked open at my feet, and a giant chasm formed between me and Mrs. Bathrobe. I WAS NOT, FOR ANY REASON, SUPPOSED TO LEAVE MY POST!

I politely told her I couldn't.  She called the school.  The next morning, I was asked to return my belt and badge.  I was crestfallen, to say the least.  As a matter of fact, to this day, my crests are still not where they should be.

And so good readers, I am asking for some perspective here.  Did I do the right thing?  Should my honor have been so unceremoniously stripped from me on that crisp fall morning?  You be the judge.  And by the way, I was 9.  And very cute.

If I get enough positive feedback, I plan to petition the school to have my safety squad status restored.  I think it is the least they can do.  That, and let me wear the belt once in a while.  I look darn good in fluorescent orange.

Pieces of Wisdom re the cat we will probably never see

There are two men blowing leaves, so to speak, next door, and you can imagine how this delights my dogs. What cacophony? They are blowing the leaves into the dead neighbor's lawn across the street, which is rude. Perhaps she told them once they could blow those leaves there over her dead body.

Oh, and speaking of my poor neighbor, who apparently I cannot leave to rest in peace, in case you didn't read my comments yesterday, I found out she got diagnosed with can-sa, as they pronounce it here, on Halloween, had surgery November 2, and died December 1. Isn't that just awful?

Oh! And some man in a truck just pulled up over there! ABNER!

He's bringing boxes INTO the house. Now, what could possibly need to go IN the house? The poor nay-bor's mom is letting him in with the boxes. The mom and daughter of my passed neighbor are there for now, clearing the house.

Would it be rude of me to go over there in my robe? "Hi. I am blogging about your family death. We all want to know, what are you bringing boxes of? Are they those little thank-you notes? Are you sending thank-you notes? Cause that's a lotta notes. OMG, are those her ashes?"

Rude? Let me know. ASAP.

In other less June-is-a-horrid-person-who-has-a-room-in-hell-with-her-name-on-it-news, thank you all for participating in my Pieces of Wisdom, and perhaps "wisdom" was ironic this week, because will we ever see that cat again? And here we all got attached to it, naming it.

Names for the cold peach-colored cat who came to my door in the night included Melba, Cobbler, Orange Julius, Nicholas Cageless (bah!), Catalie Holloway (bah! again), Barry Giblet (you LOVE yourselves), Terra Catta, Jack Frost, and Hulk suggested Elizabeth Smart.

There were many more, those are just the ones that I recall. Oh! And Paula H&B suggested Kipper's Dick, which I can't believe I didn't think of myself.

If poor frozen kitty ever comes back, I will pick one of those names. I guess I should take his cardboard box with towels off the front porch before we look trashy.

I have to go now, because I took Tallulah for a walk yesterday and locked myself out of the ding-dang house all afternoon and had to hang out with my neighbor. An alive neighbor. Fortunately she gave Tallulah her Christmas present early (yes, she DID have Christmas presents for my dogs) and we had tea and my neighbor seemed not to mind so much when Talu pranced into the bedroom and came out with her beloved childhood teddy bear in her stupid dog mouth.

The point is, now I am incredibly behind in my work, and even MORE work came via **FedEx** today, so I am swamped. Not that that is a bad thing.

P.S. I started blogging four years ago today. The first person to say "blogaversary" gets a special claw visit from Francis. I sent this blog to 18 friends and family members, and now it is read by 950 million people each day. Yes. 950 million.

 

A really tiny piece of wisdom that involves a cat, Hulk

Badwin
Yeah.

He climbed that thing like he was Tenzing Norgay. And I'd like to thank Marvin for the 88374 Mt. Everest documentaries, which allow me to toss out names like Tenzing Norgay.

You'd think the part where I have a very bad cat would dissuade me from what else happened last night, but have you met me?

It was 11:30, and I was watching that movie where Nicholas Cage is an angel and Meg Ryan has really bad short curly hair. What I was watching was irrelevant to the story, except I went on to have a dream that I was dead and floated around and found Marvin, who was at an outdoor concert with his new rather chubby wife and I haunted him.

I am not making that part up.

But before the dream where Marvin was a chubby chaser, I was watching my show and marveling at how cute Meg Ryan was before she ruined herself with all that surgery, when I heard:

"Mow!"

Now, you'd think I wouldn't even HEAR a mow, seeing as I have the three cats, but this was not one of MY cats' mows, and I sat right up.

"Mow!"

It was so cold outside last night, and the wind was blowing. I went to the door, and right there in our doorway, like he was paying us a visit, was a big fluffy peach and white cat.

"Mow!" He started to walk right inside! Like he was the Avon lady. Which would have been good because I was clean out of Derek Jeter's Driven cologne.

Of course, as soon as the poor thing darkened our doorstep, those two blond bozos came bounding out of the bedroom to say hello, neither one meaning any harm, but if you were a cold orange and white fluffy cat, and two enthusiastic dogs were smiling at you, would you hesitate?

So I herded them in the bedroom and shut the door, but even though he kept stepping into the house a little, he wouldn't come in all the way. Henry and Winston watched all this but didn't care. I think they knew him from their outside adventures.

Francis has no idea any of this happened. He was off glaring at the wall somewhere.

Oh, his little fur was blowing in the wind, the doorway kitty. I got food to try to lure him, and I even tried to pick him up but I could tell he was gonna freak the hell out if I did that. I kept picturing Marvin's happy reaction when he woke up and we had a new peach cat.

And for the record, I wasn't gonna KEEP peach kitty, HULK, I was gonna have a blog giveaway or something. I just wanted him to sleep somewhere warm last night.

Anyway, he wasn't even interested in the food, so maybe he has a home, but I got a box with towels and put it on the porch. This morning the food was still there and Winston gleefully ate it.

Peach kitty! I hope he's okay. What should we name him? Oh, crap, it's Pieces of Wisdom day, isn't it? Okay, that'll be our question for Pieces of Wisdom. What do we name cold doorway peachy kitty? I was thinking Burrrrt. Because I love myself.

What if he belonged to dead neighbor? Did you ever think of that? Oh, what are we gonna do? Why did he come to my door? And why didn't he leave any Skin So Soft samples? That stuff is great.

The post about nothing

I haven't got anything to blog about today, so okay bye.

See. Here you still are. Even though I said okay bye. You are kind of like Marvin, who can never hang up the phone after the first time he says goodbye. "Okay, then. Be careful. Be careful how you go. Talk to you soon. Allllll right. Take care. Talllllk to you later."

And I'm on the other end going FOR THE LOVE OF GOD GOODBYE ALREADY.

He likes to say "be careful how you go" because apparently that's what his grandmother used to say before you left her house.

Being careful and being healthy is a big thing in Marvin's family. They are always wishing that you have a healthy year, or safe travels, or whatever. Whereas in my family it is just assumed that you will get into some kind of firey crash on the way home, or if you did actually make it, you will immediately choke on a peanut once you sit down on your safe couch. So we never wish each other any safeness or health; 'snever gonna happen.

Speaking of Marvin, as you know he gets up at some terrible hour, like 5:00, to go slop the pigs or plow the hearth or look at internet porn or whatever he does. Do you plow the hearth? I don't think you do. Anyway.

As soon as he gets up, the dogs get up too, and in my sleep I can HEAR them being bad. And when I say "them" I generally mean "Edsel." I wake up when he crunches a Christmas tree ornament, or pins Henry down thinking he's funny, or makes a pilgrimage to the litter box.

Marvin, however, even though he is the person who is up, never ever ever hears these things. It irks me.

The other day I lost patience. "Muffin, PLEASE," I yelled at him, as I listened to Edsel drunk dialing 1-900-Party-Bitches.

"What do you want?" said Marvin, pretending to be baffled.

"I want you to PARENT the dogs," I said, rolling over and trying to go back to sleep.

There was a pause.

"Always be yourself, Edsel," I heard him say.

Okay. I had to admit that was funny. And why did they tell us to always be ourselves? That was terrible advice. If being ourselves had gotten us nowhere thus far, why should we continue to do it? If I had a nerdy kid, who was unpopular, I would be all, "Stop being yourself completely. Get a wardrobe. Here's some money for plastic surgery. GET COOL, for heaven's sake."

As Hulk says, how did God not see fit to grace me with children?

At any rate, I have to go, because as I told you I have nothing to blog about today. I have not only a delightful and riveting statistics textbook to proofread now, but another book on yeast cells. I know! I hope I can rise to the occasion. I will make a lot of bread on this job. Join the upper crust.

Okay. I will stop with my rye wit. Did I mention I have nothing to tell you? Do you wish you had gone somewhere else today, such as Dooce or Perez Hilton?

Ooooookay. Be careful how you go. Oh! I keep forgetting to tell you that Beverly is comment of the week, because she stuck her hands down an old lady's pants.

Allllll right. Talk to you soon. Take care. Good talkin' to ya. Keep in touch. Have a healthy year. Don't choke on a peanut.

Bye.

 

In which June inadvertently attends Elizabeth Edwards’ funeral

I had such a BIZZELDY day yesterday. I have a statistics textbook to proofread, which I haven't even opened yet, and I was going to start it yesterday. But first, as you know if you read me yesterday and why didn't you, I had to scream on over to the headache clinic for my final did-this-experimental-medication-kill-you-checkup.

I am certain they will miss me. Every month the doctor does a physical. "Am I dying?" I always ask him as he checks my reflexes. Then they take my blood and always forget to call me to say everything is fine. So I have to call them. "Am I dying?" I always ask them.

One month they remembered to call and I jumped straight out of my skin and my skeleton hung in the air for several seconds when I saw it was them on my caller ID. "Hi, June, just calling to say your bloodwork looks great."

Okay, don't call to tell me that if you are gonna forget all the other months. Geez Louise. Kipper's dick.

They said they may eventually find out if I got the placebo or not, and if so, they will tell me. I think it'd be HILARIOUS if I did, given the 0584049 side effects I reported. I like how today's made-up number started with zero.

After my excursion to the doctor, I had to go to the tire store, which is not a store where everyone is sleepy, because did I tell you how I was parallel parking the other day and got a flat tire? I do not mean I was having sex. I was literally parallel parking. And I am a good parallel parker. Hoo-hah. No, really. When I lived in Seattle I could park up a hill backward.

However, earlier this week I was parking and there was a ton of space on one side of the street, but I decided to be cute and park right in front of my friend on the OTHER side, so it'd be like her car was kissing my car's arse. That is really what I thought and what compelled me to cross the stupid street.

Somehow I WHIPPED into the curb, which was made of SHARP BRICKS, and why? and BOOM! …Pooooooooo! went my tire and BING! went my car's thing on my dashboard, telling me I had a flat tire and "Kipper's ding-dang dick," went I.

Well. Not really. Because I hadn't learned that phrase yet.

Anyway, I had to call AAA to put the spare on and also I had to phone Marvin, who had to stand out in the ridiculous freezing cold while I had fun with my friend (whose car was kissing my car's arse) inside where it was warm. Eventually Marvin came inside and you have never seen anyone's cheeks so flaming red. He could not have looked colder.

The point is, I had to get a new tire yesterday. Thirty-nine paragraphs later.

Well. There was trouble, and it took TWO HOURS of me reading Women's Day in the lobby of the tire store, and why does EVERY Women's Day article have to do with parenting? Why don't they just call it Parents' Day?

Then I came home and walked each dog individually, because I cannot walk them together because it is like walking two freight trains, and I don't know if you have ever walked a freight train, much less two, but it is pully. Is what it is.

So THAT took an hour, and then I spent an hour sweeping the floors and straightening up, and I was JUST GRABBING my FedEX package to finally proofread it when the phone rang.

"KIPPER'S DICK!" I said, and aren't you glad I got a new phrase? I mean, I had not had ONE SECOND to sit down ALL DAY.

It was Marvin.

"You know my guitar student will be there in 25 minutes, right?" he said.

HOW in the kipper's dick was I supposed to know this? Oh, I was irritated. And it's not like I could be in the next wing, making myself scarce. This is not a roomy house. So I had to leave. OH I WAS IRRRRRKED.

So I did what anyone would do. I got birdseed and I also went to Burger King, where I got a delicious chicken sandwich, and I sat in my car and read a book. Which, by the way, are we EVER gonna meet for book club, or what?

Anyway, I'm reading and eating, my two favorite things, when I sort of noted movement out of the corner of my eye. There, in Burger King's parking lot, was the PRETTIEST CAT you ever saw. It had smoky gray and peach markings, in a calico kind of a way, but smokier than a typical calico. It was smoky, is what I'm saying to you. Cause it's, you know, North Carolina. Everything smokes here.

You know how I am. I rolled down my window. "kittykittykittykittykittykittykitty!" I said.

Smoky kitty ignored me.

I called Hulk and left him a message about how I was in the parking lot, and what I saw, and how if I came home with a kitty it'd be Marvin's fault. Then I got out my car with the remainder of my chicken sandwich to lure the kitty.

Anyone at Burger King would have seen an ancient woman with half a sandwich, saying, "Kittykittykittykittykittykitty!" to the bushes. I don't know why no one came over to help.

The cat would not appear, so I broke the sandwich up and got back in my car, where there was a message from Hulk already.

"DO NOT TAKE THAT CAT! DO YOU HEAR ME? DO NOT TAKE IT! YOU ARE AN ANIMAL HOARDER! LEAVE.THE.CAT.THERE. I am gonna turn on the TV and see you on that show. DO NOT TAKE THE CAT."

I returned Hulk's call. "So if I'm hearing you right, you want me to take the cat?" I asked him.

As we talked, 9 million birds came over and ate the chicken, which makes them cannibals, although Hulk pointed out that assuming a Burger King chicken sandwich is actually made from chicken is assuming quite a bit.

Anyway. The point is I never got the cat, and when I got home, Marvin told me he was going out with his friend Ron, which further irritated me, but at least I finally got to sit down, but by then it was late and do you really think I felt like proofreading by then?

Instead I had myself a little party for one. A little party in my pants. Okay, not so much in my pants but more on the couch. In my pajams.

Partay
Yes, this IS a party for me, and furthermore, dark chocolate with sea salt is really really good. Also too, Jennifer Aniston needs to get over it.

Oh! But I like how I titled this June Attends EE's Funeral and then I never brought it up.

Today I have to get my roots done in Raleigh, because that's where my hairdresser is and she is worth the trip, trust me, but LAST time I went to get my hair done, I had to drive right through the middle of the state fair. Yes, right through. I had baby pigs and a Ferris wheel on my car when I got to the hair place. Now today it is Elizabeth Edwards' funeral, which is open to the public, plus those morons are protesting, so then MORE people will go to yell at the morons, and the point is WHAT ABOUT MY HAIR?

It is gonna take 800 years to get there. Kipper's dick.

At least I have a good tire.

Diamond June

Who can't stand herself?

I set my alarm for 8:00, because I have an appointment at the headache clinic today. You go there and they bang you over the head. BAH.

No. It is the final day of my meeting with them about the experimental migraine drug they have had me on since June. Other than the part where I grew a monkey out my arse from all the nausea it gave me, it was a fine drug.

Anyway, the alarm went off at 8:00, and who crossed the room, turned it off, went right back to bed, grabbed Tallulah and slipped of to dreamland until 10 minutes ago? I hate everything. Now I have to scream over there and I have no time to blog.

But I did want to show you what Faithful Reader and Friend in Real Life Laurie gave me last night when we had dinner with her:

Pinkdiamond
Yes, my very own pink diamond ring. I know!

Also also, I guess it is time to give those flowers from Dottie the heave-ho.

Okay, screaming off to the headache clinic.

P.S. OMG, I am SO LATE, but I forgot to tell you, I may or may not have been shopping for a Christmas gift for Marvin yesterday, and the store owner may or may not have been the best-looking British man in the world other than Barry Gibb, and he may or may not have just flown in from London the night before. Okay, will stop with the annoying "may or may not" now. Anyway, I asked if London was excited about the Royal wedding and he said:

"We give a kipper's dick about that wedding."

Kipper's dick. That is so my new phrase. And I had to act like I gave a kipper's dick about that wedding, too, when of course it had been at the tip of my tongue to ask if I could stay with his relatives when I flew over there April 29, with my jobless self. OKAY SO SO LATE GOODBYE.