Festive

Pout
In fact, I did not lie listlessly on the couch yesterday. You know, much.

Helloxmas
I decided to schlep up to the attic and get out the Christmas decorations. Which by the way was a stupid idea, because it is really more of a "I'll hand the boxes down to you" kind of a task. Instead, I had to kind of flump each box against the attic steps above me as I minced down, and I could just picture an entire box falling on me, and me falling backwards to my death, and Marvin coming home to find me covered in tinsel yet half-eaten by dogs.

Because I'm festive that way.

The problem with Marvin and me is that we think we're funny, so if one of us ever comes home and finds the other dead, there will be 10 minutes of the other one going, "Okay, that was hilarious, now get up" before the alive one figures out the dead one wasn't joking.

One time Marvin cut his hand really badly slicing a bagel, and his roommate didn't believe him for the longest time, until he practically bled out.

Anyway. So I started my Christmas cards, and in all the cards I sent to the people in my old neighborhood in LA, I had to mention Manny's death. Manny was this great guy who worked at our neighborhood grocery store. He was always so friendly and helpful, and we all knew him, and he had the bone cancer. So all my LA cards are like, "I heard Manny finally succumbed to his bone cancer. He was the best guy, it's so sad. MERRY CHRISTMAS!"

Because I'm festive that way.

I got 33 of 203043085 cards done yesterday, and am annoyed with myself because I bought five boxes or whatever they're called of Christmas stamps. What are they called? Oh crap.

BOOKS! I bought five BOOKS of stamps. And they're pretty this year–they are pine branches, which is better than last year's stupid tin soldiers, which were inexplicably blue and purple and totally clashed with my red envelopes.

Then when I found last year's Christmas cards:

Cardsahoy
–which by the way were in the LAST POSSIBLE CHRISTMAS BOX in the attic, and the plan was I was gonna schlep boxes only till I found the Christmas cards, but no, I had to do the death mince with every single Christmas box–guess who had nine thousand purple tin soldier stamps from last year?

Crap. Crap on the tin soldiers. Because I'm…festive.

Also, Edsel kept eating my pens. So the whole thing was relaxing.

Oh, and before I drop the subject of my Christmas cards–and did you know anyone could drone on about a topic for this long?–I was annoyed to discover I had bought these:

Merrytinyxmas
they are teeny tiny Lilliputian minute small little cards. WHY? These will get lost in the mail, plus I run out of room because you'll be shocked to hear sometimes I say a lot in my cards, and also they are kind of flimsy. I HATE these cards. Why did I pick them out last year at the 50% off sale? WHYYYYY?

So every time I write out one of these, I have to apologize for the dumb small card. Then stampede to the topic of Manny's bone cancer.

Festive! Did I mention? Don't you wish you were getting a card from me? Don't you wish your blogger was hot like me?

That made no sense. Can't wait to finish those cards today, as clearly I have become insane.

Speaking of not really sane, poor Francis had to leave his pink angry chair when we got Edsel, because Edsel's crate is back there next to Angry Chair, and Fran would never deign to be angry next to the crate of the beast. So now he usually fumes on the dining room table, and again, have dinner with us soon!

But now I have placed all the Christmas boxes of death on the dining room table, so he has to hiss and spit down here:

Hateahoy
"you move fran, but you cannot move fran hate. it deep inside."

Poor Francis has to be mad under the dining room table, where we can only hear him growl and not see it. He does not appreciate half of his affect being removed.

Fluers
On an actually festive note, my nice friend Dottie sent me flowers yesterday, because she felt bad for me that I cannot hold down a job. Aren't they pretty? She sent them to "Djune," because I have told you before when we were college housemates, I once got a piece of mail to "Djune Gardens" and this tickled Dot to no end. She kept the piece of mail and taped it to her door. She sent me a Christmas ornament that reads "Djune." Give Dottie a typo and she can giggle about it for the next 30 years.

Anyway, as soon as she sent off the order, she got a call from the florist here in Greensboro. "Ma'am, did you mean to call your friend, here, Djune?"

So she had to tell him yes and to leave our old jokes alone.

Anyway, that is all. I will return to my Christmasing of the house and sending out Merry Bone Cancer greetings. I feel safe and warm in here

Lookouthounds
as I am being guarded by fierce curs.

I'll bet when you woke up this morning you thought, "Gee, I sure hope I get to see all of Tallulah's genital region today."

So I brought it to you. Because I'm festive that way.

 

89 thoughts on “Festive

  1. Lee (who may or may not have a stash of Dove chocolates, raisinettes, m&m's, almond joys, heath bars, and york peppermint patties.) says:

    Mrs. Oh ~ I have a hidden stash of chocolate. My eldest daughter came home from school Monday and by the look on her face, I knew I had to clue her into Mama’s stash (at least,some of it). I whipped out a few Dove dark chocolates and she literally collapsed on me with a heavy sigh and said “Oh mama, I NEED those so bad..” I don’t know what it is, but just a nip of chocolate makes the day a little better.

    Like

  2. Lee (who may or may not have a stash of Dove chocolates, raisinettes, m&m's, almond joys, heath bars, and york peppermint patties.) says:

    Mrs. Oh ~ I have a hidden stash of chocolate. My eldest daughter came home from school Monday and by the look on her face, I knew I had to clue her into Mama’s stash (at least,some of it). I whipped out a few Dove dark chocolates and she literally collapsed on me with a heavy sigh and said “Oh mama, I NEED those so bad..” I don’t know what it is, but just a nip of chocolate makes the day a little better.

    Like

  3. Lee (who may or may not have a stash of Dove chocolates, raisinettes, m&m's, almond joys, heath bars, and york peppermint patties.) says:

    Mrs. Oh ~ I have a hidden stash of chocolate. My eldest daughter came home from school Monday and by the look on her face, I knew I had to clue her into Mama’s stash (at least,some of it). I whipped out a few Dove dark chocolates and she literally collapsed on me with a heavy sigh and said “Oh mama, I NEED those so bad..” I don’t know what it is, but just a nip of chocolate makes the day a little better.

    Like

  4. Lee (who may or may not have a stash of Dove chocolates, raisinettes, m&m's, almond joys, heath bars, and york peppermint patties.) says:

    June ~ While having my daily morning phone call with Sissy Jan, I said…”Ole June cracked me the hell on up this mornin'” and of course, she concurred. So we both look at your blog and begin to say what exactly cracked us up. At the exact same time we both said “you move fran, but you cannot move fran hate. it deep inside.” and just laughed and laughed. Then Jan said “Fran. He’s a wealth of material.”

    Like

  5. Lee (who may or may not have a stash of Dove chocolates, raisinettes, m&m's, almond joys, heath bars, and york peppermint patties.) says:

    June ~ While having my daily morning phone call with Sissy Jan, I said…”Ole June cracked me the hell on up this mornin'” and of course, she concurred. So we both look at your blog and begin to say what exactly cracked us up. At the exact same time we both said “you move fran, but you cannot move fran hate. it deep inside.” and just laughed and laughed. Then Jan said “Fran. He’s a wealth of material.”

    Like

  6. Lee (who may or may not have a stash of Dove chocolates, raisinettes, m&m's, almond joys, heath bars, and york peppermint patties.) says:

    June ~ While having my daily morning phone call with Sissy Jan, I said…”Ole June cracked me the hell on up this mornin'” and of course, she concurred. So we both look at your blog and begin to say what exactly cracked us up. At the exact same time we both said “you move fran, but you cannot move fran hate. it deep inside.” and just laughed and laughed. Then Jan said “Fran. He’s a wealth of material.”

    Like

  7. Mrs. Oh, I just rescued a stray too and so far the total is about $700. He is averaging just under $8 a day not counting food and treats. Free, indeed!

    Like

  8. When Hulkette was a baby, we had this drawer she always liked to open and play in. And in that drawer were old playing cards that she would play with. I was changing a poopy diaper one morning, and right there, in the middle of her business, was a corner of the ace of spades.

    Like

  9. Lee (who may or may not have a stash of Dove chocolates, raisinettes, m&m's, almond joys, heath bars, and york peppermint patties.) says:

    Original Joann ~ Bless her pea pickin heart…the day before her boyfriend left to go back to school which is an 8 hour drive from us. When I went to check on her she had mascara rings and red eyes. So what do I do? I start to cry and lay on her bed. She cried. I cried. Then we got the snuggliest blanky, some junk food, and some hot tea and layed on my bed watching The Little Couple. Also? bff issues too. Oh how I hate it when my kids hearts hurt.

    Like

  10. Lee (who may or may not have a stash of Dove chocolates, raisinettes, m&m's, almond joys, heath bars, and york peppermint patties.) says:

    Original Joann ~ Bless her pea pickin heart…the day before her boyfriend left to go back to school which is an 8 hour drive from us. When I went to check on her she had mascara rings and red eyes. So what do I do? I start to cry and lay on her bed. She cried. I cried. Then we got the snuggliest blanky, some junk food, and some hot tea and layed on my bed watching The Little Couple. Also? bff issues too. Oh how I hate it when my kids hearts hurt.

    Like

  11. Lee (who may or may not have a stash of Dove chocolates, raisinettes, m&m's, almond joys, heath bars, and york peppermint patties.) says:

    Original Joann ~ Bless her pea pickin heart…the day before her boyfriend left to go back to school which is an 8 hour drive from us. When I went to check on her she had mascara rings and red eyes. So what do I do? I start to cry and lay on her bed. She cried. I cried. Then we got the snuggliest blanky, some junk food, and some hot tea and layed on my bed watching The Little Couple. Also? bff issues too. Oh how I hate it when my kids hearts hurt.

    Like

  12. Could it be possible that Fran is in some kind of pain? Earache, toothache, cramps?
    People growl and hide when they’re hurting so maybe cats do too.

    Like

  13. i know you must feel sad, but you have severance and unemployment coming. screw a 3 day week-end! forget about getting dressed. you are a lady of leisure and can take your time doing things. be all martha stewart-ish. i find it helps to verbalize what i am doing, as if i am talking to my audience. you are in no hurry this christmas! CONGRATS!

    Like

  14. Oh man, I think it’s even scarier that you can’t see Fran when he’s under the table.. with the omnipresent growling.
    I’m just glad the nice evergreen stamps are forever stamps.. a few years back they had awesome snowflake ones, but they had the current rate on them, and when I ended up finding them, I was already to the point where I’d have to patchwork quilt my envelopes with the weird teapots or whatever to make up the difference.. I say boo to that. I think you should figure out some charity to donate your crappy tin soldiers to that could use free postage for something and then you’ve done a good deed AND they can be someone else’s eyesore!
    Original Joann, feel your pain on the implant. Hope all is going well so far! At least you were smart enough to get it done now. I had it done on the 28th or so of December and was still on painkillers and couldn’t imbibe on new years eve. Fell asleep before the ball drop. It was a whole lotta lame that year.
    Can everyone assure me that having a (tinsel-less) tree is not going to kill my dog if she noses around it a little? This is my first dog Christmas and my boyfriend seems convinced we can’t have a tree cause she’ll eat it and die. And I’m a real tree kind of girl.. do I have to change my ways?
    All y’all all are hilarious today, keep up the good work!

    Like

  15. I am a recent lurker on BBP and love this blog ( and all who so cleverly comment)!
    Just wanted to say I solved the “decorations in the attic” issue last year. I put the 13 Rubbermaid containers in the basement! Instead of taking me 2 weeks to decorate, it took me 2 days this year!
    Off to see what funny comment Hulk left yesterday…

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  16. that should be “bifty” and “go up”…..too many chocolate martinis tonight, sorry

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  17. Mrs. Oh, if it’s just the Angelina Jolie lips popping out and not a more tube-like structure then it might resolve itself. My little Loki had a similar issue when he was very young (his Angelina butt would come and go, though) and the vet said it was because he was neutered so young. It takes awahile for all of the swelling to go down.

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  18. Furry a few years ago for Easter I laid out a bowl of pastel covered Hershey kisses. We went out somewhere and when we came home the bowl was empty – the dog ate them all. So I called the vet and was advised to give her some hydrogen peroxide to make her throw up. She didn’t. Then the vet said to give her syrup of ipecac and that dog drank dang near the whole bottle and still never threw up. But a few days later our backyard was decked out in pastel tinfoil flecked poopies. Never has the yard been so festive for Easter.

    Like

  19. Furry a few years ago for Easter I laid out a bowl of pastel covered Hershey kisses. We went out somewhere and when we came home the bowl was empty – the dog ate them all. So I called the vet and was advised to give her some hydrogen peroxide to make her throw up. She didn’t. Then the vet said to give her syrup of ipecac and that dog drank dang near the whole bottle and still never threw up. But a few days later our backyard was decked out in pastel tinfoil flecked poopies. Never has the yard been so festive for Easter.

    Like

  20. Furry a few years ago for Easter I laid out a bowl of pastel covered Hershey kisses. We went out somewhere and when we came home the bowl was empty – the dog ate them all. So I called the vet and was advised to give her some hydrogen peroxide to make her throw up. She didn’t. Then the vet said to give her syrup of ipecac and that dog drank dang near the whole bottle and still never threw up. But a few days later our backyard was decked out in pastel tinfoil flecked poopies. Never has the yard been so festive for Easter.

    Like

  21. June! News to cheer you up! MISS DOXIE POSTED AGAIN!

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  22. Katie, it all depends on your dog. Mine is well behaved inside so I can trust him not to chew on christmas decorations after I trained him to avoid the tree altogether. We had a foster that loved baubles and thought they were the most appetising thing in all the world. No amount of traing helped.
    I think you’ll need to see how it goes, you’ll need to be there and correct at the start but if he won’t leave it alone you might need to keep the tree room off bounds when you’re not there šŸ™‚

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  23. I never did get my Christmas cards out last year and I am STILL using those stupid tin soldier stamps. Every time I use one, I think who had that dumb idea?
    Poor Fran. It takes a lot of energy to such a hater.
    Sorry about your job. I hope they call you back post haste.

    Like

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