Festive

Pout
In fact, I did not lie listlessly on the couch yesterday. You know, much.

Helloxmas
I decided to schlep up to the attic and get out the Christmas decorations. Which by the way was a stupid idea, because it is really more of a "I'll hand the boxes down to you" kind of a task. Instead, I had to kind of flump each box against the attic steps above me as I minced down, and I could just picture an entire box falling on me, and me falling backwards to my death, and Marvin coming home to find me covered in tinsel yet half-eaten by dogs.

Because I'm festive that way.

The problem with Marvin and me is that we think we're funny, so if one of us ever comes home and finds the other dead, there will be 10 minutes of the other one going, "Okay, that was hilarious, now get up" before the alive one figures out the dead one wasn't joking.

One time Marvin cut his hand really badly slicing a bagel, and his roommate didn't believe him for the longest time, until he practically bled out.

Anyway. So I started my Christmas cards, and in all the cards I sent to the people in my old neighborhood in LA, I had to mention Manny's death. Manny was this great guy who worked at our neighborhood grocery store. He was always so friendly and helpful, and we all knew him, and he had the bone cancer. So all my LA cards are like, "I heard Manny finally succumbed to his bone cancer. He was the best guy, it's so sad. MERRY CHRISTMAS!"

Because I'm festive that way.

I got 33 of 203043085 cards done yesterday, and am annoyed with myself because I bought five boxes or whatever they're called of Christmas stamps. What are they called? Oh crap.

BOOKS! I bought five BOOKS of stamps. And they're pretty this year–they are pine branches, which is better than last year's stupid tin soldiers, which were inexplicably blue and purple and totally clashed with my red envelopes.

Then when I found last year's Christmas cards:

Cardsahoy
–which by the way were in the LAST POSSIBLE CHRISTMAS BOX in the attic, and the plan was I was gonna schlep boxes only till I found the Christmas cards, but no, I had to do the death mince with every single Christmas box–guess who had nine thousand purple tin soldier stamps from last year?

Crap. Crap on the tin soldiers. Because I'm…festive.

Also, Edsel kept eating my pens. So the whole thing was relaxing.

Oh, and before I drop the subject of my Christmas cards–and did you know anyone could drone on about a topic for this long?–I was annoyed to discover I had bought these:

Merrytinyxmas
they are teeny tiny Lilliputian minute small little cards. WHY? These will get lost in the mail, plus I run out of room because you'll be shocked to hear sometimes I say a lot in my cards, and also they are kind of flimsy. I HATE these cards. Why did I pick them out last year at the 50% off sale? WHYYYYY?

So every time I write out one of these, I have to apologize for the dumb small card. Then stampede to the topic of Manny's bone cancer.

Festive! Did I mention? Don't you wish you were getting a card from me? Don't you wish your blogger was hot like me?

That made no sense. Can't wait to finish those cards today, as clearly I have become insane.

Speaking of not really sane, poor Francis had to leave his pink angry chair when we got Edsel, because Edsel's crate is back there next to Angry Chair, and Fran would never deign to be angry next to the crate of the beast. So now he usually fumes on the dining room table, and again, have dinner with us soon!

But now I have placed all the Christmas boxes of death on the dining room table, so he has to hiss and spit down here:

Hateahoy
"you move fran, but you cannot move fran hate. it deep inside."

Poor Francis has to be mad under the dining room table, where we can only hear him growl and not see it. He does not appreciate half of his affect being removed.

Fluers
On an actually festive note, my nice friend Dottie sent me flowers yesterday, because she felt bad for me that I cannot hold down a job. Aren't they pretty? She sent them to "Djune," because I have told you before when we were college housemates, I once got a piece of mail to "Djune Gardens" and this tickled Dot to no end. She kept the piece of mail and taped it to her door. She sent me a Christmas ornament that reads "Djune." Give Dottie a typo and she can giggle about it for the next 30 years.

Anyway, as soon as she sent off the order, she got a call from the florist here in Greensboro. "Ma'am, did you mean to call your friend, here, Djune?"

So she had to tell him yes and to leave our old jokes alone.

Anyway, that is all. I will return to my Christmasing of the house and sending out Merry Bone Cancer greetings. I feel safe and warm in here

Lookouthounds
as I am being guarded by fierce curs.

I'll bet when you woke up this morning you thought, "Gee, I sure hope I get to see all of Tallulah's genital region today."

So I brought it to you. Because I'm festive that way.

 

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Author: June

At one point, I was sort of hot, in a "she's 27 and probably a 7" kind of a way. Now I'm old and have to develop a charming personality. Guess how that's going.

89 thoughts on “Festive”

  1. You are such a hoot, and yes, I wished I blogged hot like you, dear June. Your good deed is that you bring joy to those who need it, whether you know it or not. God bless you.
    Peace

    Like

  2. Never ceases to amaze me that even in the worse circumstances you make me laugh. Festive that way.
    Me? No Christmas cards this year. Meaning, yes, you can send me one. No, I’m not sending any out.
    What would I say? My husband mysteriously moved out in September? Ho Ho Ho Merry Christmas?
    ding and dang.

    Like

  3. Death mince. Dying.
    Stamps. My Mom must’ve thought she would some day organize a stamp collection. We found boxes and boxes of panels (?) of stamps. I think I have four of every stamp issued in the last fifty years. Well, I sure as shinola am not going to organize them in any way, shape of form, so I am using them as postage. Couple of things: stamps used to be bigger; stamps didn’t used to be self-sticking (blech); and my math skills are getting taxed working all these denominations uo to current postal rates. I had to send out a mass card and it looked like a crazy quilt by the time I got enough of my “vintage” postage on it.

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  4. Death mince. Dying.
    Stamps. My Mom must’ve thought she would some day organize a stamp collection. We found boxes and boxes of panels (?) of stamps. I think I have four of every stamp issued in the last fifty years. Well, I sure as shinola am not going to organize them in any way, shape of form, so I am using them as postage. Couple of things: stamps used to be bigger; stamps didn’t used to be self-sticking (blech); and my math skills are getting taxed working all these denominations uo to current postal rates. I had to send out a mass card and it looked like a crazy quilt by the time I got enough of my “vintage” postage on it.

    Like

  5. Death mince. Dying.
    Stamps. My Mom must’ve thought she would some day organize a stamp collection. We found boxes and boxes of panels (?) of stamps. I think I have four of every stamp issued in the last fifty years. Well, I sure as shinola am not going to organize them in any way, shape of form, so I am using them as postage. Couple of things: stamps used to be bigger; stamps didn’t used to be self-sticking (blech); and my math skills are getting taxed working all these denominations uo to current postal rates. I had to send out a mass card and it looked like a crazy quilt by the time I got enough of my “vintage” postage on it.

    Like

  6. Thank goodness you didn’t fall to your death wrapped in tinsel and get half-eaten by Lu and Edsel. Because tinsel is bad, bad, bad for dogs.
    I’m so happy you’re able to be festive even while laid off. You never fail to make me laugh. Better times are ahead.

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  7. Does that non-pouty Mary Englebreit looking girl hang anywhere near the Gay Porn Santa?
    Poor Scrooge-Fran. I love him.
    Thanks for reminding me to get busy getting my cards done.

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  8. Glad to hear you safely negotiated the attic steps. Last year, a neighbor carried a box down the steps facing forward and fell and liked to killed herself. (Southern expression, but true in this case.) As DB said, tinsel is bad for your pets.
    And Paula H&B, I hate to say it after you have already used the stamps, but did you find out from a stamp collector if your mother’s collection was valuable? My aunt collects a sheet of every first issue stamp because it is, supposedly, collectible.
    Lee, I’ll follow your example and keep all of our BBP friends in my prayers.

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  9. Glad to hear you safely negotiated the attic steps. Last year, a neighbor carried a box down the steps facing forward and fell and liked to killed herself. (Southern expression, but true in this case.) As DB said, tinsel is bad for your pets.
    And Paula H&B, I hate to say it after you have already used the stamps, but did you find out from a stamp collector if your mother’s collection was valuable? My aunt collects a sheet of every first issue stamp because it is, supposedly, collectible.
    Lee, I’ll follow your example and keep all of our BBP friends in my prayers.

    Like

  10. Glad to hear you safely negotiated the attic steps. Last year, a neighbor carried a box down the steps facing forward and fell and liked to killed herself. (Southern expression, but true in this case.) As DB said, tinsel is bad for your pets.
    And Paula H&B, I hate to say it after you have already used the stamps, but did you find out from a stamp collector if your mother’s collection was valuable? My aunt collects a sheet of every first issue stamp because it is, supposedly, collectible.
    Lee, I’ll follow your example and keep all of our BBP friends in my prayers.

    Like

  11. Your big dog there is quite an A-hole.
    GAAAAAAA!!! I kill myself…

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  12. Your big dog there is quite an A-hole.
    GAAAAAAA!!! I kill myself…

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  13. Your big dog there is quite an A-hole.
    GAAAAAAA!!! I kill myself…

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  14. Sadie, yes. We took the stamps to a dealer. Eh. We fared a bit better with some of my father’s coins. What we should have cashed in on was their Rxs. Rxes? Prescription drugs. If we had put aside the risk of prison time, we really could’ve hit big!! Probably should have chanced it – first time offenders, after all. What’s a little community service?

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  15. Sadie, yes. We took the stamps to a dealer. Eh. We fared a bit better with some of my father’s coins. What we should have cashed in on was their Rxs. Rxes? Prescription drugs. If we had put aside the risk of prison time, we really could’ve hit big!! Probably should have chanced it – first time offenders, after all. What’s a little community service?

    Like

  16. Sadie, yes. We took the stamps to a dealer. Eh. We fared a bit better with some of my father’s coins. What we should have cashed in on was their Rxs. Rxes? Prescription drugs. If we had put aside the risk of prison time, we really could’ve hit big!! Probably should have chanced it – first time offenders, after all. What’s a little community service?

    Like

  17. Sadie, yes. We took the stamps to a dealer. Eh. We fared a bit better with some of my father’s coins. What we should have cashed in on was their Rxs. Rxes? Prescription drugs. If we had put aside the risk of prison time, we really could’ve hit big!! Probably should have chanced it – first time offenders, after all. What’s a little community service?

    Like

  18. Sadie, yes. We took the stamps to a dealer. Eh. We fared a bit better with some of my father’s coins. What we should have cashed in on was their Rxs. Rxes? Prescription drugs. If we had put aside the risk of prison time, we really could’ve hit big!! Probably should have chanced it – first time offenders, after all. What’s a little community service?

    Like

  19. Sadie, yes. We took the stamps to a dealer. Eh. We fared a bit better with some of my father’s coins. What we should have cashed in on was their Rxs. Rxes? Prescription drugs. If we had put aside the risk of prison time, we really could’ve hit big!! Probably should have chanced it – first time offenders, after all. What’s a little community service?

    Like

  20. june.
    you should pull a conan and just start your own late night tv show… i know i would watch. and by watch i mean wait until the next day, when i can stream it over the internat, because i refuse to pay $75 for cable.
    but i would support you in my own [albeit, little] way.
    really, though, you are so hilarious, i wish you made enough money being a blogger… because i think you’re fab.

    Like

  21. Local newspaper headline….
    LOCAL BLOGGER, COPY EDITOR FOUND DEAD AT THE FOOT OF HER ATTIC STAIRS AND PAWS OF HER PETS
    by Anonymous
    Well known and hilarious local blogger and recently laid off, June Gardens was found by her grief stricken husband, teacher, Marvin Gardens, when he arrived home from a hard days work at school, teaching the local angel children.
    Mr. Gardens found his lovely, formerly big-haired wife at the bottom of their pull-down attic stairs. Fully covered from head to toe in Christmas decorations and dog slobber.
    He laughed so hard when he saw her there sprawled half on the stairs and half on the floor, that the dogs and cats came to see why he was barking.
    Mr. Gardens immediately sobered up when he saw his beloved wife was no longer breathing.
    They are known as local cut-ups and he thought she was creating a big joke to make him laugh(which he rarely does at her jokes, thinking his jokes are WAY funnier).
    Memorial services for Ms. Gardens will be online at her blog site …BYE BYE PIE. AND in California And in Michigan And at her present city of residence at Starbucks. BYOS (bring your own snacks).
    You may view her childhood photo at her recent place of employment….Copy Editors R Us. Really nice pastries and lunch provided.
    In her memory…take time to hug your dog and cat today. Send all memorial contributions to Mr. Marvin Gardens as he had no plans to pay for a funeral at his wife’s young age.
    Junie, hope you are at least smiling by the end of this fake story.

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  22. Lord woman – don’t ever type Edsel kept eating my pens – because I read it as “Edsel kept eating my penis”. And then I really had to wonder what things you keep from us Djune.
    So have we started the Good Deeds Crap yet? I said hello to the homeless wheelchair-bound guy attempting to cross the railroad tracks at work this morning – does that count? And no I didn’t offer to help him cross the tracks as 1. I am not a Boy Scout and C. his wheeledhomemobile was so laden down with reusable shopping bags I was afraid I would pop an ovary and 4. I was wearing heels.

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  23. That first decoration has got to be the crankiest-looking shopper of all time. Like, “Merry Christmas, dammit, now get the hell out of my way. I have a golf club and I know how to use it.”

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  24. I am thoroughly impressed with your ambition and accomplishments yesterday! If it was my first day being laid off I’d have laid on the couch, wrapped warmly in my self pty, watching Sarah’s House on HGTV and eating Trader Joe’s Candy Cane Jo-Jo cookies. Actually, I am self-employed, so that little scenarios, minus the self pity, might get played out today anyway!

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  25. Between B and Mrs.Oh, I am laughing so hard I’m crying. Now I must pull myself away from this wonderful blog and get some work done.
    June, Edsel seems to be growing daily. Good thing you didn’t break your neck this morning, because it looks like Edsel would have fought Lu for the good parts.

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  26. Mom of Roxie, you are spooky. Are you IN my closet, or did I mention that last year? Also too, 
    …………………………yes, the ME is for Mary Englebright, and all those ellipses just now are because Henry sat on the keyboard. I thought maybe he had a message for us all. I think his message is, “Wait for it.” Also too too, today was the first time Edsel’s head was up above Talu’s when they stood next to each other at the back door. And “at the back door” is not a euphemism.

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  27. I did a good deed! I did a good deed!
    I stopped at my favorite deli here to get some of their FABULOUS vegetable soup a couple days ago. When I parked, I got out a dime to put in the meter. Well, the car next to mine had totally run out and I still had time on my meter, so I plopped that dime into the other car’s meter and may have secretly saved them from a ticket! Yaay for me!
    Edsel and Talu are adorable even from that unfortunate angle!!
    And, I just sent that same Teleflora arrangement to my husband’s sister for her birthday!

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  28. My mother bought me a stocking with that same Mary Englebright design…does that tell you about my personality? Especially at Christmas? I worked retail for years in high school and college and at the time I swore that I would never set foot in a store between Thanksgiving and Christmas…and I’ve kept that promise for the last 32 years.

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  29. “Wait for it…”
    Are you sure you aren’t a 7th-grade boy?

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  30. “Wait for it…”
    Are you sure you aren’t a 7th-grade boy?

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  31. “Wait for it…”
    Are you sure you aren’t a 7th-grade boy?

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  32. I totally did the death mince with Christmas boxes down our attic stairs last night until I landed one of the boxes on my finger. Then I gave in and yelled for my husband so I could hand him the boxes instead. Alas, I am not the Superwoman I wish to be. But the house is starting to look festive.

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  33. Am I the only one here who loves June’s ME decoration? It’s so Holly Hobbyish.
    Good work June on getting everything accomplished. That’s about what I get done in a month’s time.
    I had a great uncle and I’d been told all my life he died when he broke his neck, falling out of the attic getting the Christmas decorations down. I am a freakzoid now anytime anyone goes near an attic. I have a fit and scream about being careful and broken necks. Just recently, my mother broke the news to me that my uncle did not die from a fall, that he hung himself IN the attic. She felt I was finally old enough to know. (I’m still waiting on her birds and bees talk.) So thanks Mom for making me a neurotic paranoid about attics for no reason.
    Now I’m going off to read yesterday’s comments and Hulk’s joke since Hulk said nothing to me of his joke when we were IM’ing on Facebook last night. And before tongues start fluttering, Hulk was merely checking on me after my implant (dental) surgery yesterday. That man’s heart certainly fits his stature.

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  34. “Djune” reminds me of a running joke I have with my friend Anna Leigh. We worked together in PR at a company about 10 years ago. We were expecting several boxes of wine bottles for a grand-opening event we were planning (I know! Great job, right?), and when they arrived, every box was stamped “FRAIGLE” in huge, black, block letters. Like 12 times on each box. We got the giggles over it and just couldn’t stop laughing.
    Fast forward to last month, when my friend and I were having lunch after not having seen each other in a few years. When the waitress plunked our glasses down on the table, Anna Leigh looked up at me and said out of the side of her mouth, “Be careful! FRAIGLE.” And we just died all over again. Some good old typo jokes just never die. 😉

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  35. Okay, just have to say I commented yesterday and I have no recollection of this because I was so looped after waking up. Even in a loopy state, my thoughts are with the Pie and June and all you wackadoos.
    And second, not to be all Debbie Downer, but I just wanted to say again, June, how sorry I am for your layoff. And to everyone else who is experiencing the same thing, my prayers are with you.
    And Hulk, effin’ hilarious! I’m terrible at memorizing jokes, but I’m going to try and keep that one in the memory bank.

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  36. That’s our story and we’re stickin’ to it!

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  37. That’s our story and we’re stickin’ to it!

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  38. That’s our story and we’re stickin’ to it!

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  39. Lee (who is feeling all sappy over all the friends here at BBP. No matter my mood, financial state, health state, y'all make me smile. Every day. says:

    I love you guys. That is all.

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  40. Speaking of genitalia – is a butthole genitalia? I think not but Kitty seems to have rectal prolapse – hello surgery and a thousands of dollars down the toilet…all because I had to go rescue a stray. But anyways…we were at the vet yesterday discussing her prolapse which really just means her little unbleached butthole part is sticking out – more an outtie than an innie if you get my drift – or to be more visual: think that Yodie ate Angelina Jolie and Yodi pooped her out lips first and the lips got stuck on the way out. So instead of going the surgical route just yet I asked the vet if he thought that poor Yodie might actually grow into her butthole. Which totally cracked our vet up. So there are things worse than doggie genitalia.

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  41. Lee (who is feeling all sappy over all the friends here at BBP. No matter my mood, financial state, health state, y'all make me smile. Every day. says:

    Oh Mrs. Oh. Grow into her butthole. DYING. Prolapse? Sounds like hemorrhoids. Wouldn’t some Preparation H do the trick? And for those of you who have heard the aforementioned Preparation H is good for eye cream? Don’t try it. Trust me.

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  42. Went back to read Hulk’s joke. That was worth scrolling through 563 comments for –but also the spider video and to hear Miss Doxie is back!?!. So sorry about the job loss June, but I know you’ve had to beat off clients with a stick trying to give you contract work, so I’m not too worried –just glad I got some funnies out of it. Also? This post should go in your “best of” pile. Hilarious.

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  43. Mrs. Oh, you are still killing me! Angelina Jolie’s lip stuck on the way out. I’ll be thinking of your kitty every 976494721 times I see her face. Does Brad know?
    I hate to show my ignorance again, but who is Miss Doxie?

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  44. Sadie – Brad is on the inside pushin’ her out!
    And Djuniekins….my day is sucking – not nearly as bad as losing my job but sucking nonetheless. I’m making Godiva martinis when I get home – shame all y’alls live so far away! 😉

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  45. Lee (who is feeling all sappy over all the friends here at BBP. No matter my mood, financial state, health state, y'all make me smile. Every day. says:

    I’m sorry your day is suckalicious Mrs. Oh. Does it make you feel better to know you are cracking us up?
    Mmmm, Godiva Martinis. I like to put a hershey’s kiss in the bottom of my glass for an extra little bit o love.

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  46. Just when I finally get settled down after reading June’s post, Mrs. Oh has to go and get me all fired up again! Geez, I’ll never be able to finish a cocktail with all this going on!

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  47. Lee (who may or may not have a stash of Dove chocolates, raisinettes, m&m's, almond joys, heath bars, and york peppermint patties.) says:

    Mrs. Oh ~ I have a hidden stash of chocolate. My eldest daughter came home from school Monday and by the look on her face, I knew I had to clue her into Mama’s stash (at least,some of it). I whipped out a few Dove dark chocolates and she literally collapsed on me with a heavy sigh and said “Oh mama, I NEED those so bad..” I don’t know what it is, but just a nip of chocolate makes the day a little better.

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  48. Lee (who may or may not have a stash of Dove chocolates, raisinettes, m&m's, almond joys, heath bars, and york peppermint patties.) says:

    Mrs. Oh ~ I have a hidden stash of chocolate. My eldest daughter came home from school Monday and by the look on her face, I knew I had to clue her into Mama’s stash (at least,some of it). I whipped out a few Dove dark chocolates and she literally collapsed on me with a heavy sigh and said “Oh mama, I NEED those so bad..” I don’t know what it is, but just a nip of chocolate makes the day a little better.

    Like

  49. Lee (who may or may not have a stash of Dove chocolates, raisinettes, m&m's, almond joys, heath bars, and york peppermint patties.) says:

    Mrs. Oh ~ I have a hidden stash of chocolate. My eldest daughter came home from school Monday and by the look on her face, I knew I had to clue her into Mama’s stash (at least,some of it). I whipped out a few Dove dark chocolates and she literally collapsed on me with a heavy sigh and said “Oh mama, I NEED those so bad..” I don’t know what it is, but just a nip of chocolate makes the day a little better.

    Like

  50. Lee (who may or may not have a stash of Dove chocolates, raisinettes, m&m's, almond joys, heath bars, and york peppermint patties.) says:

    June ~ While having my daily morning phone call with Sissy Jan, I said…”Ole June cracked me the hell on up this mornin'” and of course, she concurred. So we both look at your blog and begin to say what exactly cracked us up. At the exact same time we both said “you move fran, but you cannot move fran hate. it deep inside.” and just laughed and laughed. Then Jan said “Fran. He’s a wealth of material.”

    Like

  51. Lee (who may or may not have a stash of Dove chocolates, raisinettes, m&m's, almond joys, heath bars, and york peppermint patties.) says:

    June ~ While having my daily morning phone call with Sissy Jan, I said…”Ole June cracked me the hell on up this mornin'” and of course, she concurred. So we both look at your blog and begin to say what exactly cracked us up. At the exact same time we both said “you move fran, but you cannot move fran hate. it deep inside.” and just laughed and laughed. Then Jan said “Fran. He’s a wealth of material.”

    Like

  52. Lee (who may or may not have a stash of Dove chocolates, raisinettes, m&m's, almond joys, heath bars, and york peppermint patties.) says:

    June ~ While having my daily morning phone call with Sissy Jan, I said…”Ole June cracked me the hell on up this mornin'” and of course, she concurred. So we both look at your blog and begin to say what exactly cracked us up. At the exact same time we both said “you move fran, but you cannot move fran hate. it deep inside.” and just laughed and laughed. Then Jan said “Fran. He’s a wealth of material.”

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  53. Mrs. Oh, I just rescued a stray too and so far the total is about $700. He is averaging just under $8 a day not counting food and treats. Free, indeed!

    Like

  54. When Hulkette was a baby, we had this drawer she always liked to open and play in. And in that drawer were old playing cards that she would play with. I was changing a poopy diaper one morning, and right there, in the middle of her business, was a corner of the ace of spades.

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  55. Lee (who may or may not have a stash of Dove chocolates, raisinettes, m&m's, almond joys, heath bars, and york peppermint patties.) says:

    Original Joann ~ Bless her pea pickin heart…the day before her boyfriend left to go back to school which is an 8 hour drive from us. When I went to check on her she had mascara rings and red eyes. So what do I do? I start to cry and lay on her bed. She cried. I cried. Then we got the snuggliest blanky, some junk food, and some hot tea and layed on my bed watching The Little Couple. Also? bff issues too. Oh how I hate it when my kids hearts hurt.

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  56. Lee (who may or may not have a stash of Dove chocolates, raisinettes, m&m's, almond joys, heath bars, and york peppermint patties.) says:

    Original Joann ~ Bless her pea pickin heart…the day before her boyfriend left to go back to school which is an 8 hour drive from us. When I went to check on her she had mascara rings and red eyes. So what do I do? I start to cry and lay on her bed. She cried. I cried. Then we got the snuggliest blanky, some junk food, and some hot tea and layed on my bed watching The Little Couple. Also? bff issues too. Oh how I hate it when my kids hearts hurt.

    Like

  57. Lee (who may or may not have a stash of Dove chocolates, raisinettes, m&m's, almond joys, heath bars, and york peppermint patties.) says:

    Original Joann ~ Bless her pea pickin heart…the day before her boyfriend left to go back to school which is an 8 hour drive from us. When I went to check on her she had mascara rings and red eyes. So what do I do? I start to cry and lay on her bed. She cried. I cried. Then we got the snuggliest blanky, some junk food, and some hot tea and layed on my bed watching The Little Couple. Also? bff issues too. Oh how I hate it when my kids hearts hurt.

    Like

  58. Could it be possible that Fran is in some kind of pain? Earache, toothache, cramps?
    People growl and hide when they’re hurting so maybe cats do too.

    Like

  59. i know you must feel sad, but you have severance and unemployment coming. screw a 3 day week-end! forget about getting dressed. you are a lady of leisure and can take your time doing things. be all martha stewart-ish. i find it helps to verbalize what i am doing, as if i am talking to my audience. you are in no hurry this christmas! CONGRATS!

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  60. Oh man, I think it’s even scarier that you can’t see Fran when he’s under the table.. with the omnipresent growling.
    I’m just glad the nice evergreen stamps are forever stamps.. a few years back they had awesome snowflake ones, but they had the current rate on them, and when I ended up finding them, I was already to the point where I’d have to patchwork quilt my envelopes with the weird teapots or whatever to make up the difference.. I say boo to that. I think you should figure out some charity to donate your crappy tin soldiers to that could use free postage for something and then you’ve done a good deed AND they can be someone else’s eyesore!
    Original Joann, feel your pain on the implant. Hope all is going well so far! At least you were smart enough to get it done now. I had it done on the 28th or so of December and was still on painkillers and couldn’t imbibe on new years eve. Fell asleep before the ball drop. It was a whole lotta lame that year.
    Can everyone assure me that having a (tinsel-less) tree is not going to kill my dog if she noses around it a little? This is my first dog Christmas and my boyfriend seems convinced we can’t have a tree cause she’ll eat it and die. And I’m a real tree kind of girl.. do I have to change my ways?
    All y’all all are hilarious today, keep up the good work!

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  61. I am a recent lurker on BBP and love this blog ( and all who so cleverly comment)!
    Just wanted to say I solved the “decorations in the attic” issue last year. I put the 13 Rubbermaid containers in the basement! Instead of taking me 2 weeks to decorate, it took me 2 days this year!
    Off to see what funny comment Hulk left yesterday…

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  62. that should be “bifty” and “go up”…..too many chocolate martinis tonight, sorry

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  63. Mrs. Oh, if it’s just the Angelina Jolie lips popping out and not a more tube-like structure then it might resolve itself. My little Loki had a similar issue when he was very young (his Angelina butt would come and go, though) and the vet said it was because he was neutered so young. It takes awahile for all of the swelling to go down.

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  64. Furry a few years ago for Easter I laid out a bowl of pastel covered Hershey kisses. We went out somewhere and when we came home the bowl was empty – the dog ate them all. So I called the vet and was advised to give her some hydrogen peroxide to make her throw up. She didn’t. Then the vet said to give her syrup of ipecac and that dog drank dang near the whole bottle and still never threw up. But a few days later our backyard was decked out in pastel tinfoil flecked poopies. Never has the yard been so festive for Easter.

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  65. Furry a few years ago for Easter I laid out a bowl of pastel covered Hershey kisses. We went out somewhere and when we came home the bowl was empty – the dog ate them all. So I called the vet and was advised to give her some hydrogen peroxide to make her throw up. She didn’t. Then the vet said to give her syrup of ipecac and that dog drank dang near the whole bottle and still never threw up. But a few days later our backyard was decked out in pastel tinfoil flecked poopies. Never has the yard been so festive for Easter.

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  66. Furry a few years ago for Easter I laid out a bowl of pastel covered Hershey kisses. We went out somewhere and when we came home the bowl was empty – the dog ate them all. So I called the vet and was advised to give her some hydrogen peroxide to make her throw up. She didn’t. Then the vet said to give her syrup of ipecac and that dog drank dang near the whole bottle and still never threw up. But a few days later our backyard was decked out in pastel tinfoil flecked poopies. Never has the yard been so festive for Easter.

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  67. June! News to cheer you up! MISS DOXIE POSTED AGAIN!

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  68. Katie, it all depends on your dog. Mine is well behaved inside so I can trust him not to chew on christmas decorations after I trained him to avoid the tree altogether. We had a foster that loved baubles and thought they were the most appetising thing in all the world. No amount of traing helped.
    I think you’ll need to see how it goes, you’ll need to be there and correct at the start but if he won’t leave it alone you might need to keep the tree room off bounds when you’re not there 🙂

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  69. I never did get my Christmas cards out last year and I am STILL using those stupid tin soldier stamps. Every time I use one, I think who had that dumb idea?
    Poor Fran. It takes a lot of energy to such a hater.
    Sorry about your job. I hope they call you back post haste.

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