You gain 15 pounds, whattaya get? Tons of shots and a tag on yer neck.

I did not post this morning because Edsel and I had to go to the vet for his puppy shots. Not that we did shots. We had a little hair of the dog. BAH.

Anyway. Edsel has gained 15 pounds in a month. I mean, so did I, at my FORMER job, but on him it's cute. He got his final round of puppy shots today, and don't tell him, but next month he gets his…you know. He'll be singing soprano, if you know what I'm saying to you. He won't be taking Cinderella to the BALL. He'll be painting his doghouse a NEUTRAL color.

If you're catching on to what I'm throwing down.

Also, he got his rabies shot, and what a relief. I was so tired of him foaming at the mouth and getting hysterical when the phone rang. He got a tag to wear, so that babies and old people needn't fear that he will rip them to shreds with his rabidy rabies.

Proud
Who is proud of his taggy self? "i rabees-free. let me bytes you now."

Then we had to go to the post office, Edsel and me. He had some packages he wanted to get out, to Bob Barker. And Dog the Bounty Hunter. And Charles Barkley.

Okay, I'll stop.

He also mailed a card to Cybil Shepherd. And Brad Pitt.

Okay, really done now.

But finally, let me tell you, this being home? Gives me ample time to get annoyed with Marvin.

Qtipirresponsible
Do you see this? Marvin does this every.day. He cannot be bothered to place the lid BACK ON THE APOTHECARY JAR. I understand that he is a busy executive. Also, do we have 78 pairs of ears apiece? Why all the QTips?

Oh, and one final thing, even though didn't I say "finally" about the QTip thing? Whatever with me. June's blog. Making the word "finally" completely meaningless.

Remember how I talked about the woman across the street, and how she was obviously some kind of nurse working the night shift, and I knew this because I Gladys Kravitz'd her when she'd come home in the morning in her scrubs with her bag of fast food? And remember how I wanted to go across the street and tell her I had noticed how she was gaining weight and walking more slowly, and that she should really cut it out with the fast food like that, and you all told me in no uncertain terms that I should NOT do that?

Dead. She is dead. Isn't that awful? I saw some of her relatives helping her into her house the other day–I mean, I assume they were her relatives, and then last night Marvin was coming home so he could rip the lid off the apothecary jar, and some guy came out of her house and told Marvin the Ripper that our neighbor was dead.

She still has her little Thanksgiving flag out on her porch, I mean, she didn't look DIE-Y, just slow and heavy, you know? Have I mentioned how festive I am?

How long until I can complain to the neighborhood association about the out-of-date flag, by the way? Okay, KIDDING.

Sort of.

She wasn't even old, you guys. She was maybe in her late 40s/early 50s.

June's blog. Where you come for morbid details about the neighbors.

Okay, that is all. Finally.

 

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Author: June

At one point, I was sort of hot, in a "she's 27 and probably a 7" kind of a way. Now I'm old and have to develop a charming personality. Guess how that's going.

76 thoughts on “You gain 15 pounds, whattaya get? Tons of shots and a tag on yer neck.”

  1. Oh my goodness! She’s dead? Maybe the weight gain had to do with her ailment, not her death was cause by the weight gain. Man sakes alive, that is just terrible.
    We love the Q-tips over here at our house, too. And my husband can’t seem to find the trash can so we have dental floss garlands hanging out on the half wall between the vanity and the trash can. How festive, right?
    Love all the ball-neutral-soprano liners. Good stuff.

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  2. What! Did you find out how she died?
    I really liked the line about you making the word “finally” meaningless. But I must know if you found out how she died.
    Bone cancer? MERRY CHRISTMAS!

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  3. My neighbor around the corner died on Sunday….woweee, and he was out walking his dogs on Saturday… its a smaller world

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  4. Oh holy carp! I gasped, absolutely gasped when I read she was dead! What a shame.
    That photo of Edsel is priceless. Let’s see if he’s still grinning next month.

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  5. Look at Edsel & his underbitey, proud self. Adorable!
    June…I hope you post every ding & dang day next week. My eldest Munroe girl(let’s call her Farrah) is having her back surgery on Tuesday. She LOVES reading your blog & will need the comic relief. As will I.

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  6. Did the other jar originally contain cotton balls? Why two Q-Tip containers?
    I am a fan of Marvin. If the worst thing he does is leave the lid off the apothecary jar, he still rocks the husband job. Plus, “Have a day.” Loved it.

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  7. Edsel is ridiculously cute.
    My guy cannot seem to get the DIRTY Q-tips INTO the trash can so I always have to pick them up off the FLOOR. Also too, why are his ears so filthy? He uses Q-tips every day and does not work in a coal mine. Discuss.

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  8. Maybe she was getting her Christmas things out of the attic … maybe June you have some sort of bloggy ESP neighbor thing going on. It wasn’t your death you envisioned yesterday but your neighbors! I swear never write stuff like that in your blog – I did a post on how I killed hubby and the very next morning (after all 2.7 of my readers read the post) hubby has heart palpatations and is rushed to the ER. While they were strapping him in my D-I-L reminded me of the post and how everyone is going to think I was really trying to kill him now and then the paramedic pipes in with he wishes he still had the straight jacket in the ambulance because wouldn’t that have been a hoot to roll hubs out wearing that thing! So yeah – no death talk any more. Mmmm k?
    And congrats to Ed – yay for your new puppy tags. Oww for your future snipping and dude you should so do some doggy Crest White strips commercials!

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  9. Edsel is getting “tutored”! (love that joke)
    Your poor neighbor. If I were you I would be scanning the obits to see if her family put in a C.O.D.
    I am a Johnson & Johnson swab person. They are much more cushiony and cottony than the Q-tips. I love them. It’s like the difference between awesome Heinz ketchup and that runny sweet Del Monte crap.
    My husband is also a dental floss draper. That stuff drapes every place between his sink and the trash can, except IN the trash can. Gross, and double gross.

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  10. How very sad for your neighbor’s family. What a shock that she died so young.
    On a happier note, Edsel has the greatest smile. He looks so proud of himself like he is such a big boy now. At least, until next month.
    June, please let us know how Lu did at the Dog and Biscuit last month. Did she love her spa day?

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  11. One more comment. It must be the Y chromosome that prevents men from returning anything to its rightful place. Lids to jars, books to shelves, empty glasses to the kitchen. And,could they possibly close the cabinet doors while they’re in the kitchen?

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  12. Cabinet doors, shutting a drawer completely, not just to the last inch or two. Just shut the damn things!
    I can always tell where my husband has been in the morning by what all is left ajar. : )

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  13. Dawn, You prepare to comment? heee heee
    Mrs. Oh and June, I take back the newspaper article I wrote yesterday. I’d type it backwards …..but it WAS really long.
    I was wondering and maybe you already said , does Edsel have a middle name? Like Talulah Blueberry Gardens? Edsel Cactus Gardens ? or something like that?

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  14. Shut the front door! I thought for SURE you were going to say you found out she was a nurse because she came home in a nursey nurse outfit with the little white hat and all. And for fun my mind wandered to the part where you chatted her up and found out she is moving to Michigan, right near Hulk because she had been secretly reading your blog and had fallen in love with Hulk and Hulkette and we were all going to be invited to the wedding. Well carp. Sorry Hulk. And June? If you find out she had a heart attack after a Big Mac Attack, don’t feel guilty for not sitting down with her to discuss her artery clogging fast food habits. Do you think she has any nice things there in her house? Maybe you should go take a gander. You know, to see if she might have a Christmas flag you could put out there.
    Edsel’s little mouf KILLS me. Love his teefies.
    Also? If I took pictures of all the things my man and 5 children do on daily basis that is just inane, I’d spend all day taking pictures. There is a ledge next to the coat closet. The closet which apparently has broken doors because they are NEVER closed. Do the coats make it into the closet with the open doors? No. They make it to the ledge. If they DO make it to the inside of the closet where there are 934759403451 EMPTY hangers, do the coats get hung up? No. They get dropped on the floor. Similarly, there is a shoe rack in said closet. Do shoes ever make it to the rack which is currently empty? Clearly not. They stay in a jumbly pile at the door so that every time someone walks in they can scream at the people who left their shoes there first. Then that person proceeds to kick off their shoes and leave them there. Do wrappers from microwave popcorn, Little Debbie Snack Cakes, pencil shavings, scraps of paper ever make it to the garbage or do they hang out on the counter above the cabinet door where the garbage is located waiting to magically jump inside? Do wet towels ever get hung on the hooks provided right.next.to.each.shower. or end up on the floor? When making something on the stove and spilling whatever that is, does it get wiped up or stay there until it has become hardened and impossible to remove without a jackhammer? Can ANYONE turn their sweaty gross socks right side out when putting them NOT in the laundry sorter but on the floor IN FRONT of the laundry sorter to be washed???
    WHO NEEDS A XANAX????? WHO IS FULL OF RAGE NOW???????? Merry Effing Christmas!!!!!!

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  15. My baby boy, Augie cat, had the nubbin surgery on Wednesday and had to stay overnight at the vet. He is back to his ‘normal’ self today – well except for the missing parts. And when did the cost of neutering go up so? $250? Really? For a tiny little cat? Edsel looks like a happy boy with his shiny white teeth and new tag!

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  16. PJ who is a new reader but counts as a legitimate reader because she has already snorted liquid through her nose while reading this blog. says:

    Edsel’s a big boy! Yes he is! Love the barrette look at the base of his ears. Had everybody but me noticed that?
    I’m sorry about your neighbor. Death is always shocking when it hits so close to home. And that Thanksgiving flag will haunt the neighborhood until someone thinks to take it down.
    Is Fran still hissing at the air under the table? Cats are festive that way.

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  17. PJ who is a new reader but counts as a legitimate reader because she has already snorted liquid through her nose while reading this blog. says:

    Edsel’s a big boy! Yes he is! Love the barrette look at the base of his ears. Had everybody but me noticed that?
    I’m sorry about your neighbor. Death is always shocking when it hits so close to home. And that Thanksgiving flag will haunt the neighborhood until someone thinks to take it down.
    Is Fran still hissing at the air under the table? Cats are festive that way.

    Like

  18. PJ who is a new reader but counts as a legitimate reader because she has already snorted liquid through her nose while reading this blog. says:

    Edsel’s a big boy! Yes he is! Love the barrette look at the base of his ears. Had everybody but me noticed that?
    I’m sorry about your neighbor. Death is always shocking when it hits so close to home. And that Thanksgiving flag will haunt the neighborhood until someone thinks to take it down.
    Is Fran still hissing at the air under the table? Cats are festive that way.

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  19. Lee, thanks for putting it into perspective. I only have one husband to deal with. I can only imagine adding 5 children into the mix.
    (Sorry, June, for ending my sentence with with.)

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  20. I had Simon neutered on Valentines Day, just for shits and giggles. And irony.
    Lee, do not get me started on laundry violations. I am a laundry nazi except no one fears me. Buncha maroons. Stupid croutons.
    Here is my Qtip query: when swabbing one’s ears, do you do one ear at a time or do you use both hands and do both ears at the same time?

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  21. I had Simon neutered on Valentines Day, just for shits and giggles. And irony.
    Lee, do not get me started on laundry violations. I am a laundry nazi except no one fears me. Buncha maroons. Stupid croutons.
    Here is my Qtip query: when swabbing one’s ears, do you do one ear at a time or do you use both hands and do both ears at the same time?

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  22. I had Simon neutered on Valentines Day, just for shits and giggles. And irony.
    Lee, do not get me started on laundry violations. I am a laundry nazi except no one fears me. Buncha maroons. Stupid croutons.
    Here is my Qtip query: when swabbing one’s ears, do you do one ear at a time or do you use both hands and do both ears at the same time?

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  23. My husband’s the closer in our house. The other day I was moving dishes from the dishwasher to the cabinet and he walked by and CLOSED THE CABINET DOOR! Ummm, that door was open for a reason…
    Edsel is beyond cute. I can’t believe that lady thought no-one would adopt him because of that underbite. It makes me smile just to look at him.

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  24. Good gosh, H&B. It would never dawn on me to try both ears at the same time. Knowing me, I’d puncture an eardrum.

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  25. If that Edsel was any cuter he would be illegal. Not sure why cause I don’t know of anything that is cute AND illegal but maybe Ed will start a trend.
    And the neighbor? OMG! That’s all I gotta say. Get more dirt on that for us June!

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  26. I will have to go and try cleaning both ears at the same time. I am completely obsessed with clean ears. I want to get that squiry spray stuff so bad, but it costs 13 Dollars I think. Has anyone tried it? Is it worth it?

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  27. When I read the title of this post I immediately think I can explain the weight gain with tags issue. Of course I’m shocked that YOU have gained 15 pounds. Wondering where you put that poundage, it certainly doesn’t show. Nontheless, I’m ready to layout this medical discourse about weight gain, and how yes, you can develop skin tags. Skin tags especially on your neck, under your breast, under your arms and pretty much anywhere were skin is touching skin. Ready to offer my services to remove the tags. Figured out that my iris scissors were in one of three places. Everything here is in one of three places. Ah, so glad I read the rest of the story…
    Why is he putting things smaller than elbows in his ears? Or, is he putting it up his nose so he can sneeze?:)

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  28. I have spent my entire day reading death certificates to match to files and verify whether or not a beneficiary was responsible for a death so we can pay benefits. Heavy, depressing stuff. And now you’re writing about your dead neighbor. I can’t get away from it.

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  29. Have any of you guys who has problems with the peeps fixing their clothes before you wash them ever just washed them like that and put them in a basket out of the dryer in their rooms and let them fold and put them away? (Yes, world’s longest run on sentence there.)
    Inquiring minds want to know if this might work?
    June, Didn’t you have another neighbor …a little ol’ lady with whom you visited?

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  30. Hulk (I leave my Q-tips in the box, I wash my whiskers down the drain, and I wipe my pee splashes. How am I still single???) says:

    What in THE hell is toe juice?
    I wish I HAD someone here to leave the lid off the Q-tip jar…

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  31. Hulk (I leave my Q-tips in the box, I wash my whiskers down the drain, and I wipe my pee splashes. How am I still single???) says:

    What in THE hell is toe juice?
    I wish I HAD someone here to leave the lid off the Q-tip jar…

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  32. Hulk (I leave my Q-tips in the box, I wash my whiskers down the drain, and I wipe my pee splashes. How am I still single???) says:

    What in THE hell is toe juice?
    I wish I HAD someone here to leave the lid off the Q-tip jar…

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  33. I am so glad that Lisa Pie knows the difference between Heinz and catsup substitute. And Paula, I suspect that everyone secretly fears you. I, personally, would not like to cross you. At all.

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  34. I HAVE TO KNOW HOW THE NEIGHBOR DIED!
    I am obsessed with knowing what people die from and I was doubly sad because as you were talking about her moving slow and gaining weight, I was thinking, Oh I bet ya she’s pregnant. Man.
    The QTips in this house are ultra gross because my daughters are obsessed with cleaning out ears and they even love cleaning out the pups’ ears. Of course, they have never heard of a wastebasket or any of the other things Lee’s family obviously doesn’t know about, either. So, I find gross QTios everywhere.
    My husband also is missing the gene to close cabinets and also the one that makes him pick up his underwear and throw it in the hamper.

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  35. seriously, the Brad Pitt one took me a full two minutes to get….and by the way, we come to June’s blog for DETAILS. So INVESTIGATE!

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  36. I’ve got the cupboards, drawers (cabinetry) that have the self closing attachement…. I will leave any other discussion about any other type of drawers up to the rest of you… and yeppers currently commando….

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  37. I’ve got the cupboards, drawers (cabinetry) that have the self closing attachement…. I will leave any other discussion about any other type of drawers up to the rest of you… and yeppers currently commando….

    Like

  38. I’ve got the cupboards, drawers (cabinetry) that have the self closing attachement…. I will leave any other discussion about any other type of drawers up to the rest of you… and yeppers currently commando….

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  39. I bet it never even occurred to Marvin to ask how the neighbor died. Am I right? That should be the first question after the routine condolences but men never think of these things. I’m surprised Marvin told you. One time, TheManTheMyth informed me that “So-and-so’s baby died, the funeral’s this weekend” and I was “So-and-so was pregnant?”
    TheManTheMyth has a habit of leaving his pile of dirty clothes 2 feet from the clothes hamper. I guess stretching his arm towards the hamper is too much work.
    I lovelovelove Edsel’s underbitey!

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  40. Omg, I’m laughing my head off over your dead neighbor. How horrible is that? I think it’s time you become Angela Lansbury and solve this mystery. Call CSI, do something. I want to know how she died!
    And Furry, I am the opposite and eat when I’m stressed so yeah, I’ll be gaining right along with Edsel.
    And try finding toenails that don’t make it to the garbage. Talk about disgusting.

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  41. There must be a rash of neighbor deaths!! My neighbor died also on Thanksgiving!!! I’m just happy that my neighbor’s neighbor didn’t die!!!

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  42. Edsel is smiling, for now.
    Oh my goodness. I’m so sorry about your neighbor. You never know. We have close friends that just lost their only child who had a blood clot at age 35. She was having chest pains so her mom took her to the hospital where she worked, her co-workers did everything to save her.

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  43. So my rage went on in my head all afternoon. I pity these foos. All hell broke loose with one of my Hiatian daughters. It was ugly. Very very ugly. And my husband, who is usually such a gem, is gonna join Edsel if the testosterone level doesn’t decrease soon.
    I need to get out of this effing house. Since Aug. 23 when I had my first surgery, I have left this house, (not including going to the dr.s and hospitals for damned surgeries) a grand total of 8 times. Ima HURT SOMEONE. And no, Target Steve, it isn’t going to be you. T. Steve, you are a nice nice man. Good for you Beth! But noooooo, I am so effing distended, I cannot zip any pants so its sweats or jammie pants.
    On the bright side, I have enough drugs in this house I could pay for June’s expenses for a year if I found the write seller.

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  44. Tee, I’m so sorry for the loss of your friends’ child. Losing a child is the absolute worst, let alone at this time of year.
    Lee, isn’t it good to have BBP as a place to vent? Can Jan get you out of the house for a couple of hours? It sounds like you have cabin fever big time.
    Hulk, I hope you find the perfect someone to leave the lids off jars at your place. And that you will continue to find it charming after the 8473772nd time.

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  45. I’ve got to put up with Someone Else putting a new toilet paper roll on top of the old empty one. Or maybe it was the stranger whose name is It Wasn’t Me. They both visit our house everyday. I mean they can sit there while taking care of business and throw away the empty one and then put the new one on…we even have one of those toilet paper holders that doesn’t need removing!
    My 17 year old son still gets me to clean his ears because he can’t see them to tell if they’re clean! He’s the baby so of course I do it!
    That is sad about your neighbor…do you wish you had told her to get healthy now? No guilt trip or anything, just wonderin’.
    That picture of Edsel just made me smile when I saw that, he looks so pleased with himself.

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  46. *hugs* Tee for your friend’s loss.
    Toe Juice: teenage twin boys with uber sweaty feet to the point their socks are ‘damp’ (wet) when they take their socks off. Sometimes when I go do laundry I get a freshly taken off sock, still wet…hence toe juice. *shudders*

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  47. I was so busy being nauseous that I forgot to comment on my hubby’s annoying habit. Right before bed he brings a glass of water, tea, diet soda, whatever to the bed and sets in on the night stand. He gets in bed and then while halfway lying down and halfway sitting up he takes one drink out of it and then sets it back on the nightstand. Never to drink out of it again. Why, then, must he even bring it upstairs in the first place? Can’t he just drink it downstairs and leave it in the sink?Why can he not remember to take it back downstairs in the morning?? Or at least pour it out in the bathroom sink?? Drives.me.insane.

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  48. Speaking not of toe juice but when we were kids and lived in Minniesoooota by brother did a lot of outdoor winter sports. He would put his socks on and then slip his foot into an empty bread wrapper and then put his boots on. The plastic wrapper insulated his feet he claimed…and when he came home he left those used up wrappers in the hall closet and I can not even begin to describe the stink.

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  49. I tell my husband that we must have a ghost that leaves the kitchen cabinet doors open. Shockingly my sarcasm has no effect on him. No matter what I do my six-year-old seems destined to be a slob; sorry in advance, six-year-old girls.

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  50. So… Edsel got a tag on his neck, your neighbor got a tag on her toe. See? There was totally a theme for today’s post!
    Oh, also… and… too… inquiring minds must know… what kind of bandaids are hiding back there? My money is on Hello Kitty.

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  51. Oh, and since we are posting annoying husband habits… my husband trims his fingernails over the bathroom sink, and somehow manages for them (the cut nails) to get all over the bathroom counter and he never notices where they go to clean them up… also… he doesn’t use clippers he uses nail scissors, so there isn’t really any reason for them to fly anywhere.

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  52. Terra the Phoenix: HA!! I don’t think I’m all that scary (and my kids don’t fear me ENOUGH) but I will cop to being …. hmmm …. off-putting? Easily pissed off? Demanding and bitchy, with a soupcon of impatience? Oh, that might’ve it on the nose.

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  53. Terra the Phoenix: HA!! I don’t think I’m all that scary (and my kids don’t fear me ENOUGH) but I will cop to being …. hmmm …. off-putting? Easily pissed off? Demanding and bitchy, with a soupcon of impatience? Oh, that might’ve it on the nose.

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  54. Terra the Phoenix: HA!! I don’t think I’m all that scary (and my kids don’t fear me ENOUGH) but I will cop to being …. hmmm …. off-putting? Easily pissed off? Demanding and bitchy, with a soupcon of impatience? Oh, that might’ve it on the nose.

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  55. Tee ~ In my own selfish venting, I didn’t see your comment. I am so sorry for your loss. So young…how very difficult for her family and friends. My heart goes out to you.
    Mrs. Oh ~ I threw up in my mouth a little while simultaneously laughing out loud. You a funny lady.

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