Geez, NOBODY will let me put the reindeer antlers on them. What is the point of OWNING the humiliating antlers if everyone is just going to object to them? You should have seen how quickly Edsel got out of them. He was like Houdini.
Anyway. It's Tuesday, one week since I got laid off and by the way it feels like 750 years, and it's time for the pieces of the wisdom. Let's be wise, shall we?
I was reading Vanity Fair, because I love that magazine, and this month on the cover was Johnny Depp, and why doesn't he call me? I mean, I am just as cute as his girlfriend.
The POINT of my story is that Johnny Depp, who really should call me but who is intimidated by my beauty, said something riveting. He said the people who fascinate him the most are people who seem totally normal. That totally normal people seem the weirdest of all to him.
Ohmygod, that is completely how I feel. I didn't even realize that I felt that way until he said that, but it's true.
I briefly dated this guy who wasn't that normal, but he had me come to Chicago where his family lived, and he had this big middle-class house, and really straight vanilla parents, and he shook his dad's hand and called him "sir," and all of his friends were really friendly and J.-Crew-ad-looking and heavenly days in the morning, they were all so normal. And I could not have felt more uncomfortable.
No one got drunk and cried, no one told a poop joke, no one had their credit card declined. ALL WEEKEND. It was so ODD to me. This guy's whole crowd was mature and happy and good-looking and healthy.
One of the friends said to me, "Your boyfriend is a good guy."
And I waited. And waited. For the disparaging comment. For the big joke at the end. AND THERE WAS NONE. He was being sincere. And earnest.
We broke up soon after.
So this is my pieces of wisdom question. Do you feel the way I do? I know I was just Peter Frampton there. Let me get my sound-making-talking machine. But do you feel normal, is I guess what I am asking you? Or do normal people make you feel all funny inside, like they do me?
I may be appealing to the wrong demographic, here, because if you read this blog you must not be all THAT normal. But maybe what you like about it is you are totally sitting over there in your J. Crew life and my oddness is fascinating.
Also, does anyone actually know Johnny Depp? If so, could you slide him my digits, along with the photo above? Thanks.