In which June inadvertently attends Elizabeth Edwards’ funeral

I had such a BIZZELDY day yesterday. I have a statistics textbook to proofread, which I haven't even opened yet, and I was going to start it yesterday. But first, as you know if you read me yesterday and why didn't you, I had to scream on over to the headache clinic for my final did-this-experimental-medication-kill-you-checkup.

I am certain they will miss me. Every month the doctor does a physical. "Am I dying?" I always ask him as he checks my reflexes. Then they take my blood and always forget to call me to say everything is fine. So I have to call them. "Am I dying?" I always ask them.

One month they remembered to call and I jumped straight out of my skin and my skeleton hung in the air for several seconds when I saw it was them on my caller ID. "Hi, June, just calling to say your bloodwork looks great."

Okay, don't call to tell me that if you are gonna forget all the other months. Geez Louise. Kipper's dick.

They said they may eventually find out if I got the placebo or not, and if so, they will tell me. I think it'd be HILARIOUS if I did, given the 0584049 side effects I reported. I like how today's made-up number started with zero.

After my excursion to the doctor, I had to go to the tire store, which is not a store where everyone is sleepy, because did I tell you how I was parallel parking the other day and got a flat tire? I do not mean I was having sex. I was literally parallel parking. And I am a good parallel parker. Hoo-hah. No, really. When I lived in Seattle I could park up a hill backward.

However, earlier this week I was parking and there was a ton of space on one side of the street, but I decided to be cute and park right in front of my friend on the OTHER side, so it'd be like her car was kissing my car's arse. That is really what I thought and what compelled me to cross the stupid street.

Somehow I WHIPPED into the curb, which was made of SHARP BRICKS, and why? and BOOM! …Pooooooooo! went my tire and BING! went my car's thing on my dashboard, telling me I had a flat tire and "Kipper's ding-dang dick," went I.

Well. Not really. Because I hadn't learned that phrase yet.

Anyway, I had to call AAA to put the spare on and also I had to phone Marvin, who had to stand out in the ridiculous freezing cold while I had fun with my friend (whose car was kissing my car's arse) inside where it was warm. Eventually Marvin came inside and you have never seen anyone's cheeks so flaming red. He could not have looked colder.

The point is, I had to get a new tire yesterday. Thirty-nine paragraphs later.

Well. There was trouble, and it took TWO HOURS of me reading Women's Day in the lobby of the tire store, and why does EVERY Women's Day article have to do with parenting? Why don't they just call it Parents' Day?

Then I came home and walked each dog individually, because I cannot walk them together because it is like walking two freight trains, and I don't know if you have ever walked a freight train, much less two, but it is pully. Is what it is.

So THAT took an hour, and then I spent an hour sweeping the floors and straightening up, and I was JUST GRABBING my FedEX package to finally proofread it when the phone rang.

"KIPPER'S DICK!" I said, and aren't you glad I got a new phrase? I mean, I had not had ONE SECOND to sit down ALL DAY.

It was Marvin.

"You know my guitar student will be there in 25 minutes, right?" he said.

HOW in the kipper's dick was I supposed to know this? Oh, I was irritated. And it's not like I could be in the next wing, making myself scarce. This is not a roomy house. So I had to leave. OH I WAS IRRRRRKED.

So I did what anyone would do. I got birdseed and I also went to Burger King, where I got a delicious chicken sandwich, and I sat in my car and read a book. Which, by the way, are we EVER gonna meet for book club, or what?

Anyway, I'm reading and eating, my two favorite things, when I sort of noted movement out of the corner of my eye. There, in Burger King's parking lot, was the PRETTIEST CAT you ever saw. It had smoky gray and peach markings, in a calico kind of a way, but smokier than a typical calico. It was smoky, is what I'm saying to you. Cause it's, you know, North Carolina. Everything smokes here.

You know how I am. I rolled down my window. "kittykittykittykittykittykittykitty!" I said.

Smoky kitty ignored me.

I called Hulk and left him a message about how I was in the parking lot, and what I saw, and how if I came home with a kitty it'd be Marvin's fault. Then I got out my car with the remainder of my chicken sandwich to lure the kitty.

Anyone at Burger King would have seen an ancient woman with half a sandwich, saying, "Kittykittykittykittykittykitty!" to the bushes. I don't know why no one came over to help.

The cat would not appear, so I broke the sandwich up and got back in my car, where there was a message from Hulk already.

"DO NOT TAKE THAT CAT! DO YOU HEAR ME? DO NOT TAKE IT! YOU ARE AN ANIMAL HOARDER! LEAVE.THE.CAT.THERE. I am gonna turn on the TV and see you on that show. DO NOT TAKE THE CAT."

I returned Hulk's call. "So if I'm hearing you right, you want me to take the cat?" I asked him.

As we talked, 9 million birds came over and ate the chicken, which makes them cannibals, although Hulk pointed out that assuming a Burger King chicken sandwich is actually made from chicken is assuming quite a bit.

Anyway. The point is I never got the cat, and when I got home, Marvin told me he was going out with his friend Ron, which further irritated me, but at least I finally got to sit down, but by then it was late and do you really think I felt like proofreading by then?

Instead I had myself a little party for one. A little party in my pants. Okay, not so much in my pants but more on the couch. In my pajams.

Partay
Yes, this IS a party for me, and furthermore, dark chocolate with sea salt is really really good. Also too, Jennifer Aniston needs to get over it.

Oh! But I like how I titled this June Attends EE's Funeral and then I never brought it up.

Today I have to get my roots done in Raleigh, because that's where my hairdresser is and she is worth the trip, trust me, but LAST time I went to get my hair done, I had to drive right through the middle of the state fair. Yes, right through. I had baby pigs and a Ferris wheel on my car when I got to the hair place. Now today it is Elizabeth Edwards' funeral, which is open to the public, plus those morons are protesting, so then MORE people will go to yell at the morons, and the point is WHAT ABOUT MY HAIR?

It is gonna take 800 years to get there. Kipper's dick.

At least I have a good tire.

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Author: June

At one point, I was sort of hot, in a "she's 27 and probably a 7" kind of a way. Now I'm old and have to develop a charming personality. Guess how that's going.

62 thoughts on “In which June inadvertently attends Elizabeth Edwards’ funeral”

  1. Baby pigs and a ferris wheel on my car…snotted cocoa right out my nose.
    Also too, did you see that Miss Doxie is back, back. Not like last year back, but really back-or so she says…I have some trust issues.
    Have a nice day June!
    Smiles

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  2. Oh those Westboro idiots! I wish someone would plug their pie hole.They are constantly coming to Oklahoma to picket at children’s funerals. !!! With the most hateful signs.

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  3. What a great post on a hungover Saturday morning. I will now have to try the chocolate with sea salt, I have always wondered about that. I just recently discovered eating fresh pineapple with a little bit of salt, yummy! Why do you have to leave the house when the guitar student comes over?

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  4. Those whackadoodle Westboro Baptist Church people really need to get lives. Can you imagine spending your every day picketing for the screwed up reasons they are picketing? So much hate in their hearts.
    Also, I believe Hulk was urging you to get that kitty and bring it home. He’s good like that.

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  5. Hi-Ster-I-Cal! Laughed out loud at this one today. Loved Hulk’s message about being an animal hoarder. I think he knows you, June. Oh, too funny. Hope you get the roots done and the traffic isn’t too bad. Maybe you’ll find another animal along the way.

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  6. Linda in CO, happy is the word for the day because we're seeing Deathly Hallows in 2 hours and I've shopped and read June's blog. What more could a person want? says:

    I just can’t say enough how much I love this blog. June, your RAoK for the world is writing this for those of us who read it. It just makes me happy. Thank you.
    And Laurie, I’m almost there. I did the Salvation Army Angel thing, but went out shopping for it rather than do the on-line thing, since that is so much more fun. I have a few more things to buy, then I can report. I hope you’re making some 10 year old girl happy.

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  7. Linda in CO, happy is the word for the day because we're seeing Deathly Hallows in 2 hours and I've shopped and read June's blog. What more could a person want? says:

    I just can’t say enough how much I love this blog. June, your RAoK for the world is writing this for those of us who read it. It just makes me happy. Thank you.
    And Laurie, I’m almost there. I did the Salvation Army Angel thing, but went out shopping for it rather than do the on-line thing, since that is so much more fun. I have a few more things to buy, then I can report. I hope you’re making some 10 year old girl happy.

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  8. Linda in CO, happy is the word for the day because we're seeing Deathly Hallows in 2 hours and I've shopped and read June's blog. What more could a person want? says:

    I just can’t say enough how much I love this blog. June, your RAoK for the world is writing this for those of us who read it. It just makes me happy. Thank you.
    And Laurie, I’m almost there. I did the Salvation Army Angel thing, but went out shopping for it rather than do the on-line thing, since that is so much more fun. I have a few more things to buy, then I can report. I hope you’re making some 10 year old girl happy.

    Like

  9. KIPPER’S DICK! I went to a gift wrapping party at a friends house last night. All the women who were there were very nice, friendly, maybe a bit proper. Then there weas me. And I said kipper’s dick probably 15 times. Finally one of the asked me what I said and I explained. That all it took. The party loosened right the hell up.
    Hulk cracked me up.
    SO did M. Why can’t those people just leave funerals alone? Whatever anyone did that you disagreed with while they were alive, just have some respect and let their family and friends mourn in peace. Funerals are for the living, not the person who is dead.
    Off to google kipper’s dick, just to get a giggle.

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  10. Good morning, Anita. Yes, our angels will be darling along with all of the other BBP angels. Love the pink and silver shoes. She will be just too cute.
    June, see what a wonderful deed you have done with your blog? Just read all of the RAoKs over the past several days to see what you have accomplished.
    My small RAoK for all of you is to ask you to Google Food Court Flash Mob Hallelujah Chorus if you have not already seen it. Melissa, it might even help you get out of your bah-humbug mood.
    Mrs. Oh, terrific RAok in finding a home for one of your kitties. And to Hulk for keeping June off the tv show for another day.

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  11. Good morning, Anita. Yes, our angels will be darling along with all of the other BBP angels. Love the pink and silver shoes. She will be just too cute.
    June, see what a wonderful deed you have done with your blog? Just read all of the RAoKs over the past several days to see what you have accomplished.
    My small RAoK for all of you is to ask you to Google Food Court Flash Mob Hallelujah Chorus if you have not already seen it. Melissa, it might even help you get out of your bah-humbug mood.
    Mrs. Oh, terrific RAok in finding a home for one of your kitties. And to Hulk for keeping June off the tv show for another day.

    Like

  12. Good morning, Anita. Yes, our angels will be darling along with all of the other BBP angels. Love the pink and silver shoes. She will be just too cute.
    June, see what a wonderful deed you have done with your blog? Just read all of the RAoKs over the past several days to see what you have accomplished.
    My small RAoK for all of you is to ask you to Google Food Court Flash Mob Hallelujah Chorus if you have not already seen it. Melissa, it might even help you get out of your bah-humbug mood.
    Mrs. Oh, terrific RAok in finding a home for one of your kitties. And to Hulk for keeping June off the tv show for another day.

    Like

  13. Oh, Sadie, I’m even happier now – that was GREAT! What exactly is a Flash Mob?

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  14. Linda in CO, I Googled flash mob and found this:
    “A flash mob (or flashmob) is a large group of people who assemble suddenly in a public place, perform an unusual act for a brief time, then disperse. The term flash mob is generally applied only to gatherings organized via telecommunications, social media, or viral emails. The term is generally not applied to events organized by public relations firms, protests, and publicity stunts.”
    That’s probably way more than you wanted to know.

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  15. Seeing that the birds at Burger King ate the chicken sandwich, maybe you should have tried catching the cat with the bird seed you bought.

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  16. When I read the article online that included the bulletin put out by the Westboro whack-jobs I almost pulled a muscle trying to stop myself from reaching through the computer to yank those idiots bald-headed. WTF, indeed.
    I don’t give a kipper’s dick what they want to do amongst themselves, but to keep insinuating their group into the grief-stricken is just too much.
    I love M’s idea of a sign!
    And that particular flash mob youtube is wonderful. Go watch it if you haven’t yet.
    I will be doing a stealthy RAoK for Joy again today and will report on it later!!

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  17. Ah the flash mob made me smile 🙂 Love how some people who joined in were clearly customers who let themselves get swept up in it!

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  18. Nithya, I thought the same thing. Oh, to be able to sing like that!

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  19. We party in similar ways except I had a book, dove chocolate and barbecue chips last night. Delish.
    I need to look up the protestors- never heard of them. Oh, and kipper’s dick just for giggles.

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  20. I think you can eat at Burger King and still be a vegetarian. I’m pretty sure it’s not real meat. Just like kipper’s dick. Or Dick’s kipper. Whichever.
    And my current dream is to find myself swept up in a flash mob. Sigh… A girl can dream.

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  21. Ok, I just googled Westboro “Baptist Church” (no Baptist group will claim them) and all I can say is there ARE.NO.WORDS for the hate speech of this group disguised as religion. And that is the scariest kind. What a sanctimonious pile of ____ (supply your own word here.)
    This “church” is mostly made up of the preacher’s family. They make the backwoods people of the movie Deliverance look normal.
    Too bad I didn’t have an opinion, eh?

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  22. Good thing I’m going to a Christmas concert tonight to get my mind off of WBC and get back into the holiday mood!

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  23. Texas Kari, today I dumped change in the fireman’s boot at one of those intersection collection things. I keep a small Mason jar of change in one of my cup holders and I dumped about half of it. (No pennies. They are separate.)
    Speaking of the Flash Mob, only not really, a friend suggested I google Family Guy Fartacular. I just did and have tears streaming down my face. Yes, I am twelve and I’m sorry, but FARTS ARE FUNNY and I don’t give a kipper’s dick.

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  24. Texas Kari, today I dumped change in the fireman’s boot at one of those intersection collection things. I keep a small Mason jar of change in one of my cup holders and I dumped about half of it. (No pennies. They are separate.)
    Speaking of the Flash Mob, only not really, a friend suggested I google Family Guy Fartacular. I just did and have tears streaming down my face. Yes, I am twelve and I’m sorry, but FARTS ARE FUNNY and I don’t give a kipper’s dick.

    Like

  25. Texas Kari, today I dumped change in the fireman’s boot at one of those intersection collection things. I keep a small Mason jar of change in one of my cup holders and I dumped about half of it. (No pennies. They are separate.)
    Speaking of the Flash Mob, only not really, a friend suggested I google Family Guy Fartacular. I just did and have tears streaming down my face. Yes, I am twelve and I’m sorry, but FARTS ARE FUNNY and I don’t give a kipper’s dick.

    Like

  26. KIPPERED dick+
    Originally applied to the preservation of surplus fish (particularly those known as “kips,” harvested during spawning runs), kippering has come to mean the preservation of any fish, poultry, beef or other meat in like manner.
    Hulk?

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  27. KIPPERED dick+
    Originally applied to the preservation of surplus fish (particularly those known as “kips,” harvested during spawning runs), kippering has come to mean the preservation of any fish, poultry, beef or other meat in like manner.
    Hulk?

    Like

  28. KIPPERED dick+
    Originally applied to the preservation of surplus fish (particularly those known as “kips,” harvested during spawning runs), kippering has come to mean the preservation of any fish, poultry, beef or other meat in like manner.
    Hulk?

    Like

  29. Sorry to bore you all with this pointless message but it’s 1:30am here and I just finished making a paper chain with my housemate. That flash mob make us get in the “YES let’s DO christmas!!” mode. But with more exlamation points.

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  30. Those westborough people give Jesus a bad name. Just sayin.
    I’m done with school for the semester so maybe I won’t be the last one posting each day. Hate not being here first thing in the morning.
    And, noted, since June has retired to the non punching the clock segment of the working world – the….ahem…posts are not coming at a regular scheduled time. Not that I mind…seeing as I’m always late to the party myself. I’m just complaining out loud and feeling sorry for myself.
    An.eeee.way. Hope the hair turned out terrific.

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  31. Back from the Christmas concert and dinner so am in a much better mood. They ended the concert with the Hallelujah chorus I so was reminded of the flash mob.
    Just like watching all different versions of The Christmas Carol, I may need to watch the flash mob perform the Hallelujah chorus again tomorrow. It always puts a smile on my face.

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  32. Nithya, your paper chain reminds me of making them in grade school (we called it elementary school) to decorate the classroom.
    Glad the flash mob’s singing put you in the Christmas spirit.

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  33. June we cat horders have to stick together! I have traded in all my Christmas presents to keep our latest find. BTW that one was a snap to name as she/he has this perturbed look just like my Mother-in-law who’s name is Kay. So since we named the first stray after Yoda, this one is O-kay Won Catnobi. AND my daughter in law thinks the name is a bit much but she named her stray kitty Bones, Leonard Nimoy, William Shatner McCoy I don’t think she can judge. So really who is the bigger geek?
    Anywho: THREE RAoK today people! Three. Count em: At the food court in the mall this big table of folks got up after eatting and left the poor dad to carry the toddler child, diaper bag and their massive tray of trash. The poor guy was doing a great job of balancing it all but I jumped up and said I could see his hands were full and I would be happy to take his trash to the can for him.
    Two and three were together but for different people at the Wal-Mart. I let TWO people go ahead of me whilst I put my carp on the belt and got my coupons together. I then told my daughter-in-law about your RAoK thing and the last lady I let ahead overheard me and was SO appreciative.
    Was my post *ahem* comment long enough? I have noticed I have let my blog slip because I pretty much say everything I want to say here instead.

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  34. Hi Paula H&B
    You are the queen of donating your coins here and there. Good on ya’!
    I haven’t done anything specifically kind or random other than say “yes” more than I normally would to my daughter’s requests and activity commitments. For example, I will be nothing but cheery and delightful when I have to have my daughter at church tomorrow morning at the usually early hour of 8:00 A.M.(!) for choir.

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  35. Hi Paula H&B
    You are the queen of donating your coins here and there. Good on ya’!
    I haven’t done anything specifically kind or random other than say “yes” more than I normally would to my daughter’s requests and activity commitments. For example, I will be nothing but cheery and delightful when I have to have my daughter at church tomorrow morning at the usually early hour of 8:00 A.M.(!) for choir.

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  36. Hi Paula H&B
    You are the queen of donating your coins here and there. Good on ya’!
    I haven’t done anything specifically kind or random other than say “yes” more than I normally would to my daughter’s requests and activity commitments. For example, I will be nothing but cheery and delightful when I have to have my daughter at church tomorrow morning at the usually early hour of 8:00 A.M.(!) for choir.

    Like

  37. PJ who hates the grocery store to begin with but knows she is blessed by the great abundance at her finger tips and the financial ability to pay for it, thank you very much all who were going to try to turn this into a morality lesson. And I still hate t says:

    RAoK Department: Aside from putting up with the hundred idiots in the grocery story who were acting like they just got off the space shuttle from the moon and had NEVER EVER seen a grocery store before and were examining EVERY package of American Cheese Slices before buying one I managed one RAoK. The frozen pizza I wanted was on the top shelf and there were 3 left waaaay in the back so of course I couldn’t reach them and there was no grocery store helper around so I climbed, yes climbed up and reached the pizza and then climbed AGAIN (oh saintly me) and snagged the last two and moved them up front so they could be reached by the next normal sized person who came along and who wasn’t on stilts or abnormally tall which you had to be to reach that pizza without climbing on the freezer itself.

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  38. PJ who hates the grocery store to begin with but knows she is blessed by the great abundance at her finger tips and the financial ability to pay for it, thank you very much all who were going to try to turn this into a morality lesson. And I still hate t says:

    RAoK Department: Aside from putting up with the hundred idiots in the grocery story who were acting like they just got off the space shuttle from the moon and had NEVER EVER seen a grocery store before and were examining EVERY package of American Cheese Slices before buying one I managed one RAoK. The frozen pizza I wanted was on the top shelf and there were 3 left waaaay in the back so of course I couldn’t reach them and there was no grocery store helper around so I climbed, yes climbed up and reached the pizza and then climbed AGAIN (oh saintly me) and snagged the last two and moved them up front so they could be reached by the next normal sized person who came along and who wasn’t on stilts or abnormally tall which you had to be to reach that pizza without climbing on the freezer itself.

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  39. PJ who hates the grocery store to begin with but knows she is blessed by the great abundance at her finger tips and the financial ability to pay for it, thank you very much all who were going to try to turn this into a morality lesson. And I still hate t says:

    RAoK Department: Aside from putting up with the hundred idiots in the grocery story who were acting like they just got off the space shuttle from the moon and had NEVER EVER seen a grocery store before and were examining EVERY package of American Cheese Slices before buying one I managed one RAoK. The frozen pizza I wanted was on the top shelf and there were 3 left waaaay in the back so of course I couldn’t reach them and there was no grocery store helper around so I climbed, yes climbed up and reached the pizza and then climbed AGAIN (oh saintly me) and snagged the last two and moved them up front so they could be reached by the next normal sized person who came along and who wasn’t on stilts or abnormally tall which you had to be to reach that pizza without climbing on the freezer itself.

    Like

  40. This is my favorite BBP posting of all time. Laughed so much and kept reading for the funeral mention convinced you had forgotten it. Thanks

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  41. Sadie, I loved the flash mob video. Admittedly, it is hard to still be in a bah-humbug mood while watching it.
    I’m slowly getting into the Christmas spirit…the spirit of giving and love. The good deeds are definitely helping.

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  42. Sadie, I loved the flash mob video. Admittedly, it is hard to still be in a bah-humbug mood while watching it.
    I’m slowly getting into the Christmas spirit…the spirit of giving and love. The good deeds are definitely helping.

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  43. Sadie, I loved the flash mob video. Admittedly, it is hard to still be in a bah-humbug mood while watching it.
    I’m slowly getting into the Christmas spirit…the spirit of giving and love. The good deeds are definitely helping.

    Like

  44. Just checking in re: the Christmas exchange. My mom’s company shut down, so everyone she worked with lost their jobs. One of her friends is trying to make things from fabric to sell, but she didn’t have her own sewing machine and was driving back and forth to her mother’s house to use hers. I had a pretty much brand new sewing machine that I bought about a year ago and barely used, so I gave it to her.

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  45. Gussika, what a kind gift. So sorry to hear about your mother’s company closing and even more people without jobs.

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  46. Not reading previous comments, but I doubt anyone else mentioned this…
    Behind Target/the big huge warehouse, there are, like, 100 feral cats. Don’t go back there.

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  47. June, keep in mind that we will all find out your true identity when you are featured on Animal Hoarders!

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  48. Yep. Really. Between there and the stores on Battleground. If you walk on the new trail back there, it’s likely you’ll see them.

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  49. One time I saw a cat near the PayLess Shoes, over there, coming out of the sewer and I had Talu in the car so I couldnt do anything. Ill bet he came from those stores. Oh! Who is gonna put on 75 layers and go over there?

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