Well, here I am. Naked. How do you like it? I never said there'd be photos.
Today Marvin and I are heading out to go shopping. Because we figured no one else would be doing that this weekend. We are going to the ironically named Friendly Center, a large outdoor shopping center in my neighborhood, and by "outdoor shopping center" I do not mean it's an open market like we're in Africa, and everyone has their ivory on a blanket or whatever.
I mean that you have to go outside, in the bitter 35-degree cold, which for here is bitter, when you leave each store. To which I say I.am.so.sure. But there it is. Starting sometime around Thanksgiving, they have to get traffic directors there, because it gets so nutty. And makes me feel less than friendly.
So I am just saying. Fun? Is what it will be.
The only reason I am doing this is because my own personal Christmas gift is involved. And I heart myself long time for saying "own personal." I am done with MY shopping, but of course Marvin has not even begun his. Which is just what my father used to do, back when he still celebrated Christmas. He used to shop on DECEMBER TWENTY-THIRD, which makes me have hives.
And yes. When my father turned 40, he announced to all of us that he has ALWAYS hated Christmas and wasn't gonna celebrate it anymore, which as you can imagine left a big hole in the shopping plans of my Aunt Mary who likes to shop. But we have respected his wishes and do not get him Christmas stuff, although it's a shame cause he used to give really good gifts. Even if they were purchased on December 23.
Where was I? Oh! Marvin.
So, we have a teensy budget this year, seeing as I am JOBLESS, although so far I have made as much as ever what with my freelancing and all, but still, you have to be careful because EVERYONE COULD GO AWAY next month, leaving me to make friendship bracelets for the cats and get a crush on Regis or something.
The POINT is, Marvin and I are going to a few stores, and I am showing him things I like, then I am going to go eat lunch or get a pedicure or seduce a young salesboy or something while he shops for one of the things I picked out, so it'll be a surprise.
The real surprise? Marvin's syphillis after I seduce the young salesboy.
The real surprise? The part where I finally realize I am an old craggy hag and the only young salesboy I am gonna seduce will have a white cane, and then I'll spend the whole time kissing his leader dog and ignoring him, anyway.
My friend Paula, the one who had the breast cancer earlier in the year, which is irrelevant to the story but there it is, is OBSESSED with Barbra Streisand. See. It is her fault that I knew stupid Barbra Streisand spells her name that way. My friend Paula is SUCH a gay man. Barbra Streisand.
Anyway, this year she got to go to a fundraiser in LA in which old Babs was attending, at some fancy house in Malibu or something, and do you know Paula and her boob were too busy KISSING THE HOMEOWNER'S DOG to notice that Barbra and her missing "a" had walked RIGHT PAST HER?
This is why Paula and I are friends. Barry Gibb has several dogs. I would probably do the same thing were I at his house.
So I guess I had better shower so I can be fresh and lovely to seduce a leader dog. Oh, and I saw Black Swan last night and I desperately wish to be a ballerina and would like to once again thank my parents for letting me drop out of ballet.
I'm just saying.
Perhaps had I not been allowed to be a quitter I would not have discovered the joys of Reunite Lambrusco at age 15. But don't feel guilty. And don't feel bad that you never got to see me perform Swan Lake. You got to see me vomit TJ Swann. Same thing.
Comment of the week is PJ, who mocked Marvin's pain. A sure way into my heart.