Married Lady

Well, here I am. Naked. How do you like it? I never said there'd be photos.

Today Marvin and I are heading out to go shopping. Because we figured no one else would be doing that this weekend. We are going to the ironically named Friendly Center, a large outdoor shopping center in my neighborhood, and by "outdoor shopping center" I do not mean it's an open market like we're in Africa, and everyone has their ivory on a blanket or whatever.

I mean that you have to go outside, in the bitter 35-degree cold, which for here is bitter, when you leave each store. To which I say I.am.so.sure. But there it is. Starting sometime around Thanksgiving, they have to get traffic directors there, because it gets so nutty. And makes me feel less than friendly.

So I am just saying. Fun? Is what it will be.

The only reason I am doing this is because my own personal Christmas gift is involved. And I heart myself long time for saying "own personal." I am done with MY shopping, but of course Marvin has not even begun his. Which is just what my father used to do, back when he still celebrated Christmas. He used to shop on DECEMBER TWENTY-THIRD, which makes me have hives.

And yes. When my father turned 40, he announced to all of us that he has ALWAYS hated Christmas and wasn't gonna celebrate it anymore, which as you can imagine left a big hole in the shopping plans of my Aunt Mary who likes to shop. But we have respected his wishes and do not get him Christmas stuff, although it's a shame cause he used to give really good gifts. Even if they were purchased on December 23.

Where was I? Oh! Marvin.

So, we have a teensy budget this year, seeing as I am JOBLESS, although so far I have made as much as ever what with my freelancing and all, but still, you have to be careful because EVERYONE COULD GO AWAY next month, leaving me to make friendship bracelets for the cats and get a crush on Regis or something.

The POINT is, Marvin and I are going to a few stores, and I am showing him things I like, then I am going to go eat lunch or get a pedicure or seduce a young salesboy or something while he shops for one of the things I picked out, so it'll be a surprise.

The real surprise? Marvin's syphillis after I seduce the young salesboy.

The real surprise? The part where I finally realize I am an old craggy hag and the only young salesboy I am gonna seduce will have a white cane, and then I'll spend the whole time kissing his leader dog and ignoring him, anyway.

My friend Paula, the one who had the breast cancer earlier in the year, which is irrelevant to the story but there it is, is OBSESSED with Barbra Streisand. See. It is her fault that I knew stupid Barbra Streisand spells her name that way. My friend Paula is SUCH a gay man. Barbra Streisand.

Anyway, this year she got to go to a fundraiser in LA in which old Babs was attending, at some fancy house in Malibu or something, and do you know Paula and her boob were too busy KISSING THE HOMEOWNER'S DOG to notice that Barbra and her missing "a" had walked RIGHT PAST HER?

This is why Paula and I are friends. Barry Gibb has several dogs. I would probably do the same thing were I at his house.

So I guess I had better shower so I can be fresh and lovely to seduce a leader dog. Oh, and I saw Black Swan last night and I desperately wish to be a ballerina and would like to once again thank my parents for letting me drop out of ballet.

I'm just saying.

Perhaps had I not been allowed to be a quitter I would not have discovered the joys of Reunite Lambrusco at age 15. But don't feel guilty. And don't feel bad that you never got to see me perform Swan Lake. You got to see me vomit TJ Swann. Same thing.

Comment of the week is PJ, who mocked Marvin's pain. A sure way into my heart.

 

57 thoughts on “Married Lady

  1. It is amazing what a quick trip it is from being the funny looking young ingenue with the big, beautiful voice to the sad, old woman who is way too full of herself (and botox, if your name happens to be Cher and you fit this same description). Paul Newman gave us all a great lesson in aging gracefully and I was paying attention. And he just happened to play a guy named Hud, for which I will always be eternally grateful.

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  2. PJ who is still cozied up in bed with her lap top howling and snorting while her husband is all dressed and serious and responsible looking reading the damn news!

    Comment of the Week? Oh, I am soooo flattered and all, you know, adjusting my tiara and waiting for my roses to arrive and walking up and down my hallway dabbing at my tears and waving at the walls and mouthing “thank-you, thank-you” (dab, adjust tiara, wave, smile, adjust, dab, mouth…”and still in my red flannel pajamas with the moons and stars which I think it probably the most perfect Buy Buy Pie outfit possible…unless it is Naked Saturday.

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  3. PJ who is still cozied up in bed with her lap top howling and snorting while her husband is all dressed and serious and responsible looking reading the damn news!

    “Buy a vowel Babs” Howling! Snorting! Writing with exclamation marks!

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  4. Amish Annie who got an A+ on her book report by the renegade history teacher although it wasn't worth the excrutiating fear of contracting syphilis...quite possibly the beginning of many neurotic tendencies.

    In junior high, I wrote a book report on Al Capone which greatly impressed my teacher as all the other kids were doing their reports on people like Peter Frampton (info procured from Tiger Beat magazines) and Terry Bradshaw (lots of sports books in the library for boys yet only one book on girl-athletes, Babe Didrikson Zaharias.) All the books I read said Capone died of syphilis in prison. I asked my mom what syphilis was and she said it was a lip disease from doing bad things. I was seriously traumatized for several years, making sure never to get syphilis just in case I ended up in prison. I did not want to die from a bunch of untreated oozing and crusty sores on my mouth.

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  5. Have any of you ever seen Kathy Griffin’s stand-up routine in which she talks about Barbra’s appearance on Oprah?
    Totally hilarious!
    Allegedly Barbra spray painted one of Oprah’s microphones white to match her outfit!

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  6. Barbra. Used to love her. The Way We Were was the epitome of romance. When I was twelve. Now I loathe her weird self. Buy a vowel Babs. When I read that the fish in her pond were chosen to match the trim on her house, I guffawed. Who would notice?? You would be forced to point it out to everyone, and seriously? That’s not cool.
    Good luck June with the gift. Marvin doesn’t come by this Christmas stuff naturally so good on you for helping him out. And, your dad? He’s my hero. We gave up the gift giving this year. We’re doing a family vacation instead. I am enjoying the season for the first time in years. I’m feelin’ the joy over here without the usual dread.
    Today – gave a donation to St. Jude’s. They do good work, those folks. And I always loved That Girl. “Oh, Donald!”

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  7. Diane, what a wonderful RAoK! You’ll make some children very happy Christmas morning.

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  8. I didn’t officially sign up for a RAoK partner because I haven’t been getting out much (and I didn’t realize that there are Internet-based possibilities). However, in honor of all of you at the Pie, my husband and I dropped off a bag full of toys and games at our local Toys For Tots collection site. You all make me smile every day and you inspire me with your good deeds. Hopefully we will bring smiles to a few more faces Christmas morning.

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  9. PJ who took a book to a neighbor IN THE COLD RAIN because the neighbor wanted to read it and it is Christmas week and all and I needed to report something here. I'm done.

    Naked Saturdays just has a nice ring to it. I hope you went to a store with a Hello Kitty necklace or some Ugg slippers. Just saying, Marvin. Like all the rest of us already know what Junie wants…
    Too many good lines here to repeat from all the commenters but loved making the cats friendship bracelets and getting a crush on Regis. BEEN THERE! Ugly place, hate unemployed daytime-TV, making clothes for the cats place.

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  10. PJ who took a book to a neighbor IN THE COLD RAIN because the neighbor wanted to read it and it is Christmas week and all and I needed to report something here. I'm done.

    Naked Saturdays just has a nice ring to it. I hope you went to a store with a Hello Kitty necklace or some Ugg slippers. Just saying, Marvin. Like all the rest of us already know what Junie wants…
    Too many good lines here to repeat from all the commenters but loved making the cats friendship bracelets and getting a crush on Regis. BEEN THERE! Ugly place, hate unemployed daytime-TV, making clothes for the cats place.

    Like

  11. PJ who took a book to a neighbor IN THE COLD RAIN because the neighbor wanted to read it and it is Christmas week and all and I needed to report something here. I'm done.

    Naked Saturdays just has a nice ring to it. I hope you went to a store with a Hello Kitty necklace or some Ugg slippers. Just saying, Marvin. Like all the rest of us already know what Junie wants…
    Too many good lines here to repeat from all the commenters but loved making the cats friendship bracelets and getting a crush on Regis. BEEN THERE! Ugly place, hate unemployed daytime-TV, making clothes for the cats place.

    Like

  12. DYING to see Black Swan! Ten years of ballet and all it did was ruin me for any other kind of dancing. Whenever I go to a club all my moves end up looking stupidly graceful and ballet-ish – a hip thrust here, a pas de burre there, followed by a head toss and a grande jete. So embarassing.

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  13. Thank gawd on a fluffy cloud. Naked blogging. I was afraid there would be nekkid blogging. You know, that’s naked with intent. You’d be mighty tired after doing all of us and since you are now southern –the thank you notes would just about finish you off.
    Whew. The relief.
    According to Candide, syphilis is a wonderful thing. It gave us chocolate!

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  14. Linda in CO, I never watched Everybody Loves Raymond when it was on originally, but watch reruns now on TV Land. I keep shouting to Deborah on the screen, “Why don’t you move?!!”, but then I have to tell myself it’s just a tv show and that’s the plot.
    Also, Siren, in case you didn’t see my comment earlier on the previous post, I checked out the snowflakes on your blog and they are unbelievable! You definitely have a special artistic talent. Thanks for sharing the photos.

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  15. 1. Had to google Marie Barone. I’m so out of it.
    B. Boone’s Farm was our cheap wine of choice. And wasn’t there something called Strawberry Hill?
    III. Kristi, I love me some wine spritzers with ice, but I have to drink like a grownup when I go out with my friends.
    4. Laurie, RAoK alert. I finally finished my shopping for my Angel and dropped it off at Salvation Army. She now has a new coat, two new outfits, a baby doll & some doll clothes, and a bunch of art supplies. I’m such a worrier, though. Now I worry that she has a sibling whose name got picked and didn’t get as much or got more than I chose. I also gave $5 to a streetcorner “anything will help” guy, something I NEVER do because I’m so judgmental about what he might do with that money. Now I’m off to find more RAoks that don’t involve hemmorhaging money like I have been these last few weeks.
    Thanks to June and Marvin and all the commenters lately. Every time I feel a bit of the holiday stress, I come here for a pick-me-up. You guys are the greatest.

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  16. Lambrusco was the reason the sides of my parent’s station wagon had a mysterious purple tint.

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  17. QueenStella, I can just see it now. Upstaged by a dog. Bet she never visits that house again.

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  18. QueenStella, I can just see it now. Upstaged by a dog. Bet she never visits that house again.

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  19. QueenStella, I can just see it now. Upstaged by a dog. Bet she never visits that house again.

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  20. I have this visual of Barbra being ushered through the home by her bodyguards, wanting to be noticed so she can smile that simpering smile, and everyone is fawning over her and murmuring as she passes by, except Paula giving love and kisses to a dog, She pauses, clears her throat, fluffs her hair and still… nothing.

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  21. “I did not start drinking professionally until I was about 30″…Pal from MA ~ DYING!!
    Good luck with your shopping…and your young salesboy seducing…and your leader dog kissing. We will be shopping for the young Munroes today. I’m so excited I could scrape my eyeballs with a fork!

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  22. Several things…
    1. I am at Disney and logged in to see your nakedness. Ok really, I logged in because I do so EVERY DAY.
    2. Marvins syphilis. Dying.
    3. I am sitting on a bench and laughing my ass off out loud over Paula. People are staring. F*UCK THEM.
    Happy shopping. Good luck finding pat boone as your salesboy.

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  23. As much fun as reading this post has been, now I am on pins and needles to read the follow-up! Which young salesboy did you make a move on? What kind of dog did he have? What did Marvin choose? However I guess we will have to wait till after Christmas to find that out.
    Paula, I would give up my right arm (I am left-handed) to sit in on one of your family holidays. Hilarious!
    I am going to the store to get the bourbon slushie recipe ingredients and get that stuff in the freezer. Then I sadly have to go to a funeral (the son of a friend) and come back to find a house full of in-laws probably in my kitchen putting things in the wrong cupboards. I wonder how long it takes the slushie to get slushie?

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  24. What does it say about me that I LIKE ice in my wine? Along with a little Sprite? If it tastes like Kool-Aid and gets me a little tipsy, I’m all over it.

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  25. I never fail to laugh when I read your blog. Paula missing her idol while kissing a dog, and Paula H&B’s Christmas wish. Marie Barone would be a welcome relief. DYING.
    Good luck with the hords. Hope you find the leader dog of your dreams.

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  26. I never fail to laugh when I read your blog. Paula missing her idol while kissing a dog, and Paula H&B’s Christmas wish. Marie Barone would be a welcome relief. DYING.
    Good luck with the hords. Hope you find the leader dog of your dreams.

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  27. I never fail to laugh when I read your blog. Paula missing her idol while kissing a dog, and Paula H&B’s Christmas wish. Marie Barone would be a welcome relief. DYING.
    Good luck with the hords. Hope you find the leader dog of your dreams.

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  28. I’m bummed I missed your post yesterday. I thought Marvin’s was it for all of us. But then I get a double dose today so it’s all good. Marvin’s Ashes. Ha! Barbra changed the spelling herself on purpose! …and I always think of Babar the elephant too.

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  29. What in the Sam Adams (hee) is TJ Swann? I did not start drinking professionally until I was about 30, so I could actually afford one step up from the super cheap stuff. I did love Bartles and James’ wine coolers. LOVED!
    My mom used to drink the Riunite Lambrusco mixed with Pepsi. It sounds disgusting, but it was really yummy!
    Also, I’ve always hated the way Barbra spells her name, but in reality, it’s her parents who are the douchebag spellers. We need to give Babs a break on that one.
    And last also? I would also be the one on the floor with the dog as Bono, George Clooney and Hugh Jackman were prancing by me naked. Especially if the dog looked like Edsel with his teefies and earbees!
    Have fun shopping! I do not envy that scene!

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  30. Ohhhhhh naked blogging! Sexy!!!
    Enjoy the madness! I have to go out today with kids in tow but since it’s for their teachers’ gifts and Toys for Tots, I suppose the crowds will be worth it. :0)

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  31. It is Saturday and I AM NOT IGNORING YOU.
    Was that BarBRA’s FINAL appearance? Again?
    Your father with his anti-Christmas stand is my newest hero. I so want to do that. Except I want to exchange “Christmas” for “your entire family” and exchange “celebrate it” with “never see any of their annoying fat asses” and aim the entire declaration at my husband and his endless stream of overly loud, demonstrative, opinionated, hanger-on, stuck in the 50s, 60s, 70s, 80s and/or 90s, pasta-shoveling cousins. Really, Marie Barone would be a welcome relief.

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  32. It is Saturday and I AM NOT IGNORING YOU.
    Was that BarBRA’s FINAL appearance? Again?
    Your father with his anti-Christmas stand is my newest hero. I so want to do that. Except I want to exchange “Christmas” for “your entire family” and exchange “celebrate it” with “never see any of their annoying fat asses” and aim the entire declaration at my husband and his endless stream of overly loud, demonstrative, opinionated, hanger-on, stuck in the 50s, 60s, 70s, 80s and/or 90s, pasta-shoveling cousins. Really, Marie Barone would be a welcome relief.

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  33. It is Saturday and I AM NOT IGNORING YOU.
    Was that BarBRA’s FINAL appearance? Again?
    Your father with his anti-Christmas stand is my newest hero. I so want to do that. Except I want to exchange “Christmas” for “your entire family” and exchange “celebrate it” with “never see any of their annoying fat asses” and aim the entire declaration at my husband and his endless stream of overly loud, demonstrative, opinionated, hanger-on, stuck in the 50s, 60s, 70s, 80s and/or 90s, pasta-shoveling cousins. Really, Marie Barone would be a welcome relief.

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  34. Whoa, Memory Lane…
    We swilled TJ Swann in high school – and after, since it was the only thing we could afford.
    We also knocked back a goodly amount of grape malt duck too, it’s as much fun to vomit as the Swann.

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  35. Any wine you have to put on ice? Is a good sign. Similarly, any wine I was able to down from the 7-Eleven near my school and the football field? Also a good sign. If it tastes like Kool-Aid, it probably is not fine wine.

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