In which June has found her calling

While Marvin got me a gift, I totally went to Target. Because where else can you find a hot young salesboy to seduce?

Actually, I was out of my meds, which I suppose has been evident for years. Target was empty and pristine, and the parking lot was a delight. Mmm-hmmm. When I finally burst my way through to the pharmacy counter, which actually really WAS empty, I said to the pharmacist, "I'm Christmas shopping for pharmaceuticals."

Do you know he made me show ID? That was the first time they have ever done that. The humorless rat bastard. Plus, I hear there is a huge market for migraine prevention meds out there. I was gonna turn around and hit the clubs, sell them individually.

Anyway. I bought some delightful things to stuff the stockings of my pets, and yes they have stockings, shut up. One thing I got was this tough rubber toy, I guess it was kind of copying the Kong, but it seemed all educational and PBS-y, because it had all these details about what it did for your dog and how you had to get the right size, and if you got this accoutrement you'd do this for your dog's spirit, and the other accoutrement would do something else, like teach him French or whatever.

Naturally I fell for this whole shebang, and as a side note (what? June is on a side note? Usually she's so linear) last night I was trying to proofread something and Edsel was driving me berserk, so I decided the educational public radio Ira Glass toy could be a Hanukkah gift. I got it out and put in the chewy stick that was supposed to stimulate his brain and lured him into his crate, and he'd eaten the chewy stick and the toy itself in about a minute and a half.

I guess his brain was indeed stimulated.

Then I wandered next door to the PetSmart, there, not that I needed anything from PetSmart, but on Saturdays they have cat and dog adoption days, and it's important that I look at other pets, because I have so few to stare at in my own home.

Well.

Right when I walked in, THERE WAS SANTA. I am not even making that up. "Are you taking pet pictures today?" I asked.

"Yeah," he said. He was the gloomiest Santa you ever met. I considered giving him one of my hot street meds. "I'm here till 7:00," he groused.

While I was holding the cutest little Pit Bull puppy you ever saw over there at adoption days, I called Marvin. "Get the dogs over here! We are becoming those people who get Santa pictures taken with their pets!"

I was kissing a teensy gray kitten and talking with the woman who had trained Tallulah (she has FOUR HUGE dogs in an apartment, so I don't feel like nearly the freak I am when I talk to her) when I heard a chorus of barks. There were 87 dogs at PetSmart yesterday, all of them being good, until my two bozos walked in.

"Anita, I hear my dogs," I told her. "Oh! I want to see Tallulah!" she said, having not seen her since Talu graduated from puppy education classes.

Tallulah immediately stopped barking and leaped onto Anita, which was, like, the day one thing we were taught to stop them from doing. "Well, hello, Tallulah. You're awfully bad," said Anita.

Why my dogs gotta humiliate me? In the meantime, Edsel, who is bigger than Talu now, was bark bark bark bark barking at everyone. "YAP! YAP YAP YAP YAP YAP!" Even though he is tall, he still has an annoying puppy yap.

We made our way over to Santa, but not before Edsel sniffed a woman who could not have given me a dirtier look, and I told her we were sorry, but really? You come to PetSmart and get your knickers in a twist because a dog sniffed you? What did you THINK was gonna happen there? It was gonna be like a day at Tiffany's?

At any rate, below is the photo evidence that I have gone completely around the bend.

Talusanta
"Why Santa so sad? Santa hate lyfe? Santa used to be executif and economee force him to be pet Santa? Why this Lu problem? Liten up, Kringle."  Edselsanta
"…get …edsel OUTOFHEER!"

Edsel could not have been more horrified. Perhaps he is like his grandpa and hates Christmas. I don't know. I am just saying it was not the highlight of his weekend, I don't think. I mean, as opposed to Santa, there, who clearly could not have been having a better time.

And by the way, if economeee force me to be pet Santa I would be as happy as a pig in clover. That would be, like, my DREAM job. And I look good in red. I could stop dying my hair! I could stop Nairing! Maybe my body is trying to TURN INTO pet Santa and I have been fighting it all along.

Oh, and also, I totally know Marvin got me the bird necklace I asked for.

Okay, bye. I mean, HO! HO! HO!

I just called you all hos.

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Author: June

At one point, I was sort of hot, in a "she's 27 and probably a 7" kind of a way. Now I'm old and have to develop a charming personality. Guess how that's going.

53 thoughts on “In which June has found her calling”

  1. Edsel looks like a completely different dog! No underbitey smile & no ears! Wow!
    I think I have a picture of me (as a kid) on Santa’s lap with the same look on my face….
    The joys of the holiday! Still adorable though.

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  2. Looks like you had a marvelous day, but Edsel looks scared sh*tless which is why Santa may not be enjoying himself.

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  3. OK I will settle for reindeer ears on Francis and pictures of your scars to prove it. 🙂

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  4. Poor sad Santa! Maybe the dogs that had been there earlier pooped on his lap. I know that generally puts me in a bit of a bad mood. Or like when one of my dogs pooped under the dining room table yesterday. That was decidedly NOT pleasant.
    Frankly, Edsel looks more unhappy than Santa in that picture.
    One last thing. Is Gay Porn Santa happy about the repeal of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell?

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  5. Sunday! Still not ignoring you! Just sayin’.
    Maybe Santa was performing some court-ordered community service. Which, if that is the case, I might consider committing a minor non-violent crime or three. My luck, I’d be sentenced to picking up runny goose shit with a slotted spoon at some creepy park.

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  6. Sunday! Still not ignoring you! Just sayin’.
    Maybe Santa was performing some court-ordered community service. Which, if that is the case, I might consider committing a minor non-violent crime or three. My luck, I’d be sentenced to picking up runny goose shit with a slotted spoon at some creepy park.

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  7. Sunday! Still not ignoring you! Just sayin’.
    Maybe Santa was performing some court-ordered community service. Which, if that is the case, I might consider committing a minor non-violent crime or three. My luck, I’d be sentenced to picking up runny goose shit with a slotted spoon at some creepy park.

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  8. Love the Santa photos! Lu say I magnificent, Santa mine, look, he under my spell. Santa say, I magnificent, look, Edsel under my spell. Sadie, I have baked lots more applesauce breads, come over for coffee!

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  9. Love the Santa photos! Lu say I magnificent, Santa mine, look, he under my spell. Santa say, I magnificent, look, Edsel under my spell. Sadie, I have baked lots more applesauce breads, come over for coffee!

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  10. Love the Santa photos! Lu say I magnificent, Santa mine, look, he under my spell. Santa say, I magnificent, look, Edsel under my spell. Sadie, I have baked lots more applesauce breads, come over for coffee!

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  11. Maybe Santa is related to your neighbor and is sad.
    You should totally look into being a pet Santa next year, you’d be great!

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  12. I love how bold Lu is with Santa. “Liten up, Kringle” <—- had me lol! Cracked up at how Lu behaved toward Anita, because she is always so well mannered. Kids! Poor Edsel, I just want to snatch him from the Santa trauma.
    Linda in CO, you have done well by your little Angel. Great gift choices! I love your true RAoK of giving the $5.00 that you normally wouldn't have given, stretching beyond your judgments. That's true spirit! Well done!

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  13. Tiffaney can't believe June didn't need an immediate refill on migraine meds after her journey into yappety yapp yapp PetSmart. Maybe that's why Santa was so moody, he had a headache from all the chirping birds and barking dogs. says:

    That Santa is a sick, twisted bastard, look at how he’s taking delight in poor Edsel’s misery.

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  14. LOVE that you did this!! So cute!! Edsel does look terrified. And Talu is totally chill like .. yeah .. I always sit on irritated fat guys’ laps.

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  15. Letha, that sounds delicious. I’ll be thinking of you tomorrow morning.

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  16. Next year turn the pet Santa photos into your Christmas cards! I’d love one (not that i didnt like the one you sent this year). BTW: Francine McGann O’Brien has a stocking.

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  17. Poor Edsel. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a picture of him with his ears down. I almost didn’t recognize him. I think he’s feeling the negative emotion flowing from the not-so-jolly old elf.

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  18. Original Joann–I am praying for your MIL. I hope she feels ok through the holidays and that this is just a little bump in the road!

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  19. Siren, that’s my husband’s argument against taking our baby to get her picture taken with Santa at the mall. So we should hand over our baby to a minimum wage paid stranger in a costume? No, thank you.

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  20. Perhaps when you first saw Angry Santa a dog with an anal gland issue had just been on his lap. I’d be cranky too. Are we dog owners supposed to bleach our dogs butt holes too?

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  21. Oh June! Thank you so much for this post. It really made me smile and I so needed that tonight. Ed and Lu are so darned adograble! Poor Edsel looks like he might have left Santa a puddle present in his lap.
    Did I tell you about the time we went to Petsmart and there was a doberman in a pink ballerina tutu – and it wasn’t even a holiday – not that a dober needs a holiday to put a little tutu on. When we were checking out the dober was in front of us and then another HUGE black lab walked in the front door and went straight for the tutu dober. Then I heard this: Pete!! PETE! Don’t you go sniffin’ up that dog’s skirt!!

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  22. I am so loving the Santa photos! Memories, sweet memories!
    My dog turns away or walks away every time a camera is pointed her way. Tallulah is a natural model!

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  23. Meds, stressed pets, surly Santa’s ~ it’s beginning to sound a lot like Christmas! Only when I’m in need of a lift I flirt with the *old* cashiers… A sure ego boost.Without the bonus syphillis. Just sayin’.

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  24. Good news, June! You can be a pet santa! Petsmart brings in local animal rescue groups. The rescue groups bring a Santa and an elf or two, and they get $5 per picture. Call a few of the local rescues next November and I’m sure they’ll hook you up. I’ve been an elf for these things.
    And by the way, don’t feel bad about having Santa pictures and stockings for your pets. I made the husband bring our ferret for his picture with Santa when I was an elf. Yes, you read that right. I would have made him bring the cat too, but she would have taken off Santa’s head, and that would be embarrassing. Of course we have stockings for the cat and the ferret. They are from Pottery Barn, embroidered with their names and everything.
    I really should just stick to lurking. It’s much better than commenting and outing myself as a complete nutjob.

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  25. Hulk!
    I have a little weekend RaOK for you.
    Whilst I was shopping in town, I saw the homeless guy who is always sitting outside of the supermarket. He is very nice and polite and had a cute little dog, so I usually drop some change into his bowl but as it’s Christmas I handed him a 5€ note for him and then I popped into the supermarket and bought some doggy treats for his pup. I also gave some euros to a man with no legs begging in a wheelchair just a few doors down, all in your honour!
    Those Santa photos with the dogs are hilarious, Edsel is sooooo scared bless him!

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  26. Very nice, Vicki. You are the best European person I know!

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  27. Talu seriously looks like a doggie model; so beautiful. Adorable Edsel’s ears seem to say worst. day. of. my. life. ever. Those photos are a scream; I’m still laughing a day later.
    Edsel’s minute and a half PBS’y chew toy…hilarious and so typical. Last week, my old Beagle (14) was so pissed because he was given a chewy instead of yet another bacon-flavored treat that day…he took the whole 4″ x 4″ square chewy in his mouth, swallowed it whole within two seconds, and then looked up and glared at me. I swear his eyes said, “See B*tch, I told you I wanted a treat.” I thought I was gonna have a stroke and my mind fast forwards to how will I explain to the emergency vet that the chewy stuck in my dog’s lung was not my fault. Fortunately, and I don’t know how, but the ornery old beagle never had any problems from that episode.
    All the dogs in Pet Smart being very good “until my two two bozos walked in.” And then Talu jumping on Anita…so funny!
    Mrs Oh’s doberman tutu story, hysterical! It’s nice to start out a Monday morning laughing so hard.

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  28. Talu is so happy to be with Santa! To be fair, Edsel hasn’t been through a Gardens Christmas yet so wasn’t sure about Santa. I mean, strange man dressed up like that? I’d be scared too. We totally have pet stockings and each has his/her named ornament on the tree too. Even the fur babies who have passed on, we put up thier ornaments on the tree. And of course they have gifts in the stockings.

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  29. PJ who is still cozied up in bed with her lap top howling and snorting while her husband is all dressed and serious and responsible looking reading the damn news! (yes, AGAIN today. We play this out every morning.) says:

    PBS-y…Ira Glass chew toy…laughed out loud. Pottery Barn embroidered pet stockings? Of course. Is there any question? My fur baby, too, knows not only WHEN he wants a treat, but WHICH treat he wants. There are Buddies, Crunchies, Good Boy Cookies…Heaven help me if I guess the wrong one. Treats…yes, I suppose they COULD be called treats but in our house they’re more like bribes. The little 12 lb white fuzzy guy is smarter than both of with our combined graduate degrees all stacked together.

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  30. PJ who is still cozied up in bed with her lap top howling and snorting while her husband is all dressed and serious and responsible looking reading the damn news! (yes, AGAIN today. We play this out every morning.) says:

    PBS-y…Ira Glass chew toy…laughed out loud. Pottery Barn embroidered pet stockings? Of course. Is there any question? My fur baby, too, knows not only WHEN he wants a treat, but WHICH treat he wants. There are Buddies, Crunchies, Good Boy Cookies…Heaven help me if I guess the wrong one. Treats…yes, I suppose they COULD be called treats but in our house they’re more like bribes. The little 12 lb white fuzzy guy is smarter than both of with our combined graduate degrees all stacked together.

    Like

  31. PJ who is still cozied up in bed with her lap top howling and snorting while her husband is all dressed and serious and responsible looking reading the damn news! (yes, AGAIN today. We play this out every morning.) says:

    PBS-y…Ira Glass chew toy…laughed out loud. Pottery Barn embroidered pet stockings? Of course. Is there any question? My fur baby, too, knows not only WHEN he wants a treat, but WHICH treat he wants. There are Buddies, Crunchies, Good Boy Cookies…Heaven help me if I guess the wrong one. Treats…yes, I suppose they COULD be called treats but in our house they’re more like bribes. The little 12 lb white fuzzy guy is smarter than both of with our combined graduate degrees all stacked together.

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  32. Since Christmas isn’t here yet, maybe you can be one this year, why wait?
    Zee Chrizmaaz Elf, Mrs. Claws, Santette…I can see it now.
    June Gardens fulfills a dream she never knew she had.

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