I know, I know, I am late posting today. Why are you more busy when you're jobless than when you're not? I had to screech on over to another city today to get tested for drugs for a potential freelance job. I studied hard and really practiced. Do you see those funny colors?
I think I made the same joke last time I got drug tested. I am nothing if not completely predictable.
Before I begin talking about our extremely important Pieces of Wisdom results, and I am certain you like me for always insinuating your answers are not important, I wanted to give a shout out to a local misogynist, and see what I did there? He is a massage therapist named Brad, and he is excellent, and I called him a misogynist thinking I am hilarious.
Anyway, I have been going to him for awhile, and he heard that I lost my job, and yesterday he gave me an entirely free one-hour massage, because he knew how stressful losing one's livelihood can be. So I am just saying. If you are looking for a good misogynist, here is the link to his place–ask for Brad. I am certain he will be delighted that I have called him a woman hater 94 times in this plug. Nothing could be further from the truth. He is a wonderful person.
And speaking of things we all wish we could have, like free massages, yesterday I asked you what you would want for Christmas if you could have anything you wanted. There were a lot of good answers–here were some of them.
Some of you said all you would want is more time with loved ones, whether it be humans or pets who are, you know, no longer with us. On the other side of the grass, as it were. Here I am with my beloved Mr. Horkheimer. Well, this is a painting of him. The real him is a bunch of ashes scattered in Seattle. But I am just saying. I know how you feel. If I could have Horkie, my grandparents, and my Uncle Jim in a room, it'd be a fun Christmas. Except for the part where one of my grandmothers was terrified of cats.
Could I have larger trouty Don Knotts lips in the above photo?
Speaking of large, pouty lips, many of you were with me on the getting-plastic-surgery thing. Lots of you wanted that face-caught-in-the-door look I am emulating here. I have no idea how this is supposed to represent any plastic surgery. Marvin was being crabby about taking pictures because he had to get to the eye doctor, like that's so crucial, so I only got one pose apiece.
Really no one wished for either of these things, this photo was just next in line and you know I like to show off his sweet underbite. You should see what it looks like when you pull his lips back. You could put a boat in the space between that underbite and his top teefs. I may plant a little garden in there. Store my valuables. Keep a spare house key. Put in another bedroom. Start a cult. Open a gym.
Okay, I'm done.
This photo came out black and white, and I'd like to thank Marvin for his top-notch photography. Maybe he really SHOULD get to the eye doctor. I have no idea how you set my camera to black and white. No clue how he managed this. Anyway. Speaking of dirty floors, a lot of commentors wished for maids, cooks, personal servants of any kind. See, you could be like me and just never cook or clean, then you wouldn't have to worry about wanting those things.
That crown is excellent, isn't it?
Some wished for good health for themselves and others. Here is me trying to point out a new kidney, which one reader needs and I hope he gets. Marvin at this point was over the part where he was supposed to photograph me. I swear he's in love with our eye doctor, Gertrude, so interested was he in getting to his appointment. Maybe he gets really turned on by that puff of air thing they do. Do I know? Anyway, I do not know what is sadder: needing a kidney or having to photograph one's own kidney.
I was surprised at how many people would redo their kitchens, bathrooms, entire houses if they had the cash. I am crouched here because if I could redo anything, I would knock out this stupid half wall in the kitchen and have an open space into the back room. My mother suggested it and now I am stuck just wishing I could do it. Life is cruel. At least I have a crown.
So that's what we would do if we had limitless cash, which most of us don't. I mean, I do, because I am royalty. I am a member of the Imperial Margarine family, descended from King Vitamin. And according to my drug test today, I am a bit of a Speed Queen.
Okay, really done. My great uncle on my mother's side was the Burger King. Also, we are somehow related to King Friday, but I forget how.
Someone stop me, before you all get royally pissed.