Pieces of Wisdom: Being greedy about a kidney

I know, I know, I am late posting today. Why are you more busy when you're jobless than when you're not? I had to screech on over to another city today to get tested for drugs for a potential freelance job. I studied hard and really practiced. Do you see those funny colors?

I think I made the same joke last time I got drug tested. I am nothing if not completely predictable.

Before I begin talking about our extremely important Pieces of Wisdom results, and I am certain you like me for always insinuating your answers are not important, I wanted to give a shout out to a local misogynist, and see what I did there? He is a massage therapist named Brad, and he is excellent, and I called him a misogynist thinking I am hilarious.

Anyway, I have been going to him for awhile, and he heard that I lost my job, and yesterday he gave me an entirely free one-hour massage, because he knew how stressful losing one's livelihood can be. So I am just saying. If you are looking for a good misogynist, here is the link to his place–ask for Brad. I am certain he will be delighted that I have called him a woman hater 94 times in this plug. Nothing could be further from the truth. He is a wonderful person.

And speaking of things we all wish we could have, like free massages, yesterday I asked you what you would want for Christmas if you could have anything you wanted. There were a lot of good answers–here were some of them.

Deadhork
Oh. I forgot to mention that Faithful Reader Laura sent me a crown, and I am never taking it off. Carry on.

Some of you said all you would want is more time with loved ones, whether it be humans or pets who are, you know, no longer with us. On the other side of the grass, as it were. Here I am with my beloved Mr. Horkheimer. Well, this is a painting of him. The real him is a bunch of ashes scattered in Seattle. But I am just saying. I know how you feel. If I could have Horkie, my grandparents, and my Uncle Jim in a room, it'd be a fun Christmas. Except for the part where one of my grandmothers was terrified of cats.

Could I have larger trouty Don Knotts lips in the above photo?

Surgeryface
Speaking of large, pouty lips, many of you were with me on the getting-plastic-surgery thing. Lots of you wanted that face-caught-in-the-door look I am emulating here. I have no idea how this is supposed to represent any plastic surgery. Marvin was being crabby about taking pictures because he had to get to the eye doctor, like that's so crucial, so I only got one pose apiece.

Edsulonfilthyfloor
There were a lot of wishes for Edsel on a despicably dirty kitchen floor. Honest engine, why did I decide to get two dogs?

Really no one wished for either of these things, this photo was just next in line and you know I like to show off his sweet underbite. You should see what it looks like when you pull his lips back. You could put a boat in the space between that underbite and his top teefs. I may plant a little garden in there. Store my valuables. Keep a spare house key. Put in another bedroom. Start a cult. Open a gym.

Okay, I'm done.

Balcknwhitewhy
This photo came out black and white, and I'd like to thank Marvin for his top-notch photography. Maybe he really SHOULD get to the eye doctor. I have no idea how you set my camera to black and white. No clue how he managed this. Anyway. Speaking of dirty floors, a lot of commentors wished for maids, cooks, personal servants of any kind. See, you could be like me and just never cook or clean, then you wouldn't have to worry about wanting those things.

That crown is excellent, isn't it?

Kidney
Some wished for good health for themselves and others. Here is me trying to point out a new kidney, which one reader needs and I hope he gets. Marvin at this point was over the part where he was supposed to photograph me. I swear he's in love with our eye doctor, Gertrude, so interested was he in getting to his appointment. Maybe he gets really turned on by that puff of air thing they do. Do I know? Anyway, I do not know what is sadder: needing a kidney or having to photograph one's own kidney.

Redecorate
I was surprised at how many people would redo their kitchens, bathrooms, entire houses if they had the cash. I am crouched here because if I could redo anything, I would knock out this stupid half wall in the kitchen and have an open space into the back room. My mother suggested it and now I am stuck just wishing I could do it. Life is cruel. At least I have a crown.

So that's what we would do if we had limitless cash, which most of us don't. I mean, I do, because I am royalty. I am a member of the Imperial Margarine family, descended from King Vitamin. And according to my drug test today, I am a bit of a Speed Queen.

Okay, really done. My great uncle on my mother's side was the Burger King. Also, we are somehow related to King Friday, but I forget how.

Someone stop me, before you all get royally pissed.

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Author: June

At one point, I was sort of hot, in a "she's 27 and probably a 7" kind of a way. Now I'm old and have to develop a charming personality. Guess how that's going.

50 thoughts on “Pieces of Wisdom: Being greedy about a kidney”

  1. Kate better watch out! First the ring; now a crown. Looks like you have a one-way ticket to Buckingham palace. Move it over, Lizzie! Long live Queen June!!!

    Like

  2. I love that crown. I wish I had friends sending me purple crowns.
    Also too I love your tennies in the B&W photo.

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  3. Get the Nester on over there and the two of you could knock out that wall, trim it out and repaint it in about 15 minutes. That Nester can do amazing things!

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  4. Hey, cheer up gang! It’s Christmas! Remember all your long-lost people/pets are in a way better place. With free beer probably. So stay cheery this season!
    I mean, look at me! The year I had…Indians stunk, girlfriend broke up with me, everybody hates my clothes and shoes…
    Where was I going with this?

    Like

  5. Hey, cheer up gang! It’s Christmas! Remember all your long-lost people/pets are in a way better place. With free beer probably. So stay cheery this season!
    I mean, look at me! The year I had…Indians stunk, girlfriend broke up with me, everybody hates my clothes and shoes…
    Where was I going with this?

    Like

  6. Hey, cheer up gang! It’s Christmas! Remember all your long-lost people/pets are in a way better place. With free beer probably. So stay cheery this season!
    I mean, look at me! The year I had…Indians stunk, girlfriend broke up with me, everybody hates my clothes and shoes…
    Where was I going with this?

    Like

  7. I just found your blog and am in total bloggy love. With that crown, your ring and the fact that you don’t have a cross dressing brother like Kate, I think Wills is going to dump her for you!

    Like

  8. Oh, forgot. That pic of you and your kidney? At first I thought you were talking about the new boobs Fawn Amber wants.
    Carry on.

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  9. Free massage? Did it move? (oh that’s right, you don’t watch Seinfeld. hmph)
    Good for you! Maybe Marv was so raring to get to the eye doctor because maybe Gertrude had also heard of your unemployment and was going to offer Marvin a free dilation. Hmmhmm.
    I know it’s going to seem as if I am hitting on you June, but unemployment looks pretty good on you. You’re looking fab is what I am trying to say.
    Long live Queen June.

    Like

  10. I bet Ed and Lu think of you as a giver of dog toys… King Kong.
    I too was thinking of big boobs, rather than a kidney.

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  11. I bet Ed and Lu think of you as a giver of dog toys… King Kong.
    I too was thinking of big boobs, rather than a kidney.

    Like

  12. I bet Ed and Lu think of you as a giver of dog toys… King Kong.
    I too was thinking of big boobs, rather than a kidney.

    Like

  13. Well, we knew we were among royalty here, but Imperial Margarine Royalty…woot! We may be distant cousins, as I am descended from Queen B, who I believe was King Vitamin’s first wife. He divorced her because she had too much energy.
    RAoK Alerts FROM: Carol in Al, Your Pal in MA, Laura…You ROCK! Tiny Tim is rolling (what else can he do) in the dough-nations.
    Many thanks, and thanks to Queen June for accommodating un autre chien besides Lu and Edsel on her dog blog.

    Like

  14. Well, we knew we were among royalty here, but Imperial Margarine Royalty…woot! We may be distant cousins, as I am descended from Queen B, who I believe was King Vitamin’s first wife. He divorced her because she had too much energy.
    RAoK Alerts FROM: Carol in Al, Your Pal in MA, Laura…You ROCK! Tiny Tim is rolling (what else can he do) in the dough-nations.
    Many thanks, and thanks to Queen June for accommodating un autre chien besides Lu and Edsel on her dog blog.

    Like

  15. Well, we knew we were among royalty here, but Imperial Margarine Royalty…woot! We may be distant cousins, as I am descended from Queen B, who I believe was King Vitamin’s first wife. He divorced her because she had too much energy.
    RAoK Alerts FROM: Carol in Al, Your Pal in MA, Laura…You ROCK! Tiny Tim is rolling (what else can he do) in the dough-nations.
    Many thanks, and thanks to Queen June for accommodating un autre chien besides Lu and Edsel on her dog blog.

    Like

  16. Gosh I miss one day and you all wish for stuff without me. Stupid Christmas is not leaving me much time for anything.
    Are we still announcing RAoK? Sadie are you there?? I have a small one for you. I did a blog post last night to help out a blog friend who’s beautiful dog got hit by a truck. I was up until 1am writing it up. He’s going into surgery today so good thoughts everyone for cute Ben!

    Like

  17. I agree that you could probably knock that wall project out in a day. I say go for it!

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  18. Sadie says, "Merry Christmas to all and to all a goodnight." Safe travels to everyone who wants to get somewhere else for the holidays." says:

    Anita, what a wonderful RAoK for your friend. Certainly hope Ben’s surgery went well and he will fully recover.
    I’m exhausted reading your list. Hope you get everything done that you really want done, plus time to rest and recover.

    Like

  19. Sadie says, "Merry Christmas to all and to all a goodnight." Safe travels to everyone who wants to get somewhere else for the holidays." says:

    Anita, what a wonderful RAoK for your friend. Certainly hope Ben’s surgery went well and he will fully recover.
    I’m exhausted reading your list. Hope you get everything done that you really want done, plus time to rest and recover.

    Like

  20. Sadie says, "Merry Christmas to all and to all a goodnight." Safe travels to everyone who wants to get somewhere else for the holidays." says:

    Anita, what a wonderful RAoK for your friend. Certainly hope Ben’s surgery went well and he will fully recover.
    I’m exhausted reading your list. Hope you get everything done that you really want done, plus time to rest and recover.

    Like

  21. RAoK Alert : Wake up Sleeping Beauty (I sing that to the tune of “Wake up little Suzy…”)
    I asked a friend if she wanted to have coffee yesterday..she replied that she did but could I come to her house and also bring the coffee. She had a sick kid AND her coffee pot died. So I stopped at my local Target (hi Steve!) on my way there and bought her a new coffee pot and some coffee. 🙂 She was surprised and thankful. I have 5 kids, she has 4. If MY coffee pot broke while my kids were on break, I’d have a couple less kids by the time it was over. I figured I was saving her from a felony.

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  22. Anita, thanks for the heads up on Benjamin. Went and purchased the items and sent well wishes for his safe surgery and recovery. Please let us know how he does! I just hate when fur babies are sick or hurting…I donate in memory of all mine who have gone on to a better place.

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  23. This has nothing to do with today’s late post :Ăž
    I just wanted to say how much reading my daily dose of June means to me. It is like saying I love Twain or Austen but June… I love ya gal. I know I don’t know ya – will never meet ya – but I feel like we are friends and in this craptacular world those are hard to come by. You never fail to make me smile and laugh til I cry and I wanted you to know that I appreciate that and you so very much. Thank you for all you do in keeping your blog up and running daily for your little stalkers that we all are.
    As for all of the rest of ya’s: I love you guys too. So many times of late your words and comments have made my day and I thank you for that. Ya’ll rock. Totally.
    I hope that everyone has a wonderful Christmahanniekwanza and a Happy New year. I know I have said this before but I think it would be so great if some day we all took a weekend and flew, biked, drove or walked up to the Carolinas and had a BBP Convention – how cool would that be in a totally unstalkerish kinda a way.
    ~April

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  24. Thanks, Mrs. Oh. Yall all mean a lot to me too. Except for Hulk. I appreciate your kind words because I am a crabby Appleton getting everything ready right now. You are a shining light in an otherwise cloudy drug testy day.
     
    XO,
    June
    P.S. Do not do drugs. Do what want to yourself. YouTube.com

    Like

  25. Carol, just got an update. (sorry June, I know I said I’d stop hogging) Ben made it through surgery well. The vet was able to fix the fracture even though it was severe. He will need about 8 weeks to recuperate but the vet feels good that he’ll get back to running around. So that was some great news! Kim is very grateful for all the support she has gotten. Thanks everyone!

    Like

  26. Another unrelated post, but had to share this. Yesterday I made a chicken pot pie, great cold weather food, but Betty Crocker I am not, and sometimes the crust comes out wonky…yesterday was sometimes. We deemed it edible, but not leftoverable, and my husband offered to do the 86ing. As he was feeding it down the disposal, do you know what he said??? Really loudly??? BYE BYE PIE!!! I love him. I love everything. Merry Xmas everyone.

    Like

  27. Another unrelated post, but had to share this. Yesterday I made a chicken pot pie, great cold weather food, but Betty Crocker I am not, and sometimes the crust comes out wonky…yesterday was sometimes. We deemed it edible, but not leftoverable, and my husband offered to do the 86ing. As he was feeding it down the disposal, do you know what he said??? Really loudly??? BYE BYE PIE!!! I love him. I love everything. Merry Xmas everyone.

    Like

  28. Another unrelated post, but had to share this. Yesterday I made a chicken pot pie, great cold weather food, but Betty Crocker I am not, and sometimes the crust comes out wonky…yesterday was sometimes. We deemed it edible, but not leftoverable, and my husband offered to do the 86ing. As he was feeding it down the disposal, do you know what he said??? Really loudly??? BYE BYE PIE!!! I love him. I love everything. Merry Xmas everyone.

    Like

  29. Now I am the blog hog…Tiny Tim’s foster mom just posted a short video of him on FB. If you would like to view it, send me a friend request…Letha Mooney…it is precious. Then you can unfriend or hide me…no hard feelings.

    Like

  30. Now I am the blog hog…Tiny Tim’s foster mom just posted a short video of him on FB. If you would like to view it, send me a friend request…Letha Mooney…it is precious. Then you can unfriend or hide me…no hard feelings.

    Like

  31. Now I am the blog hog…Tiny Tim’s foster mom just posted a short video of him on FB. If you would like to view it, send me a friend request…Letha Mooney…it is precious. Then you can unfriend or hide me…no hard feelings.

    Like

  32. PJ who wonders why the hell nobody else in this family can ever bury the little feathered and furry critters who are found dead in our yard and SHE always has to trek up to the "small animal burying ground" and do the deed. says:

    No witty remarks tonight. Too tired and ready for a hot soak. I loved reading all of your RAoKs. They have made me feel better about the season and people in general. So, mine for today: We have a median with grass in front of our house and and I went out and picked up trash in it (there wasn’t really very much but it was noticeable) and along the curb for two blocks. It looked really nice when I was done. Looked good enough to make me feel good.
    Looked for a chicken but didn’t see one so I didn’t call Rik.

    Like

  33. I agree, you can knock out that wall in a day and finish the space for probably less than $100. I probably would have just done it when it was suggested and worried about the finishing later because that’s how I roll.

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  34. Anita, thank you so much for sending us over to Kim’s. Ben is so very adorable. Poor Kim, bless her heart, going ahead with such a big surgery to save him.
    Elizabeth, in your honor our RAoK for today and it really was random, was to donate a small amount towards Ben’s medical bills.

    Like

  35. Vicky V. my record of RAKS stinks. I’m going to carry on past Christmas tho – right up to New Year’s Day. Here’s hopin.

    Like

  36. Amish Annie who thinks June's BBP blog is as necessary and important as the National Weather Service site and Road Conditions map. Hey, this is the midwest. says:

    Edsel is so adorable. He looks much happier today than he did on the super fun day with PetSmart Santa; today you can see his ears.

    Like

  37. Amish Annie who thinks June's BBP blog is as necessary and important as the National Weather Service site and Road Conditions map. Hey, this is the midwest. says:

    Edsel is so adorable. He looks much happier today than he did on the super fun day with PetSmart Santa; today you can see his ears.

    Like

  38. Amish Annie who thinks June's BBP blog is as necessary and important as the National Weather Service site and Road Conditions map. Hey, this is the midwest. says:

    Edsel is so adorable. He looks much happier today than he did on the super fun day with PetSmart Santa; today you can see his ears.

    Like

  39. I went to buy more Christmas candy for my desk last night and the store was out of candy in Christmassy wrapping! (Like kisses or miniatures – it looks more festive and is more sanitary.) I had to get kisses in purple and gold. Wtf! New Years colors? Bah!
    I can’t believe I didn’t get a chance to comment when June was mentioning queens yesterday. Two words: John Travolta. Heeeeee.

    Like

  40. I went to buy more Christmas candy for my desk last night and the store was out of candy in Christmassy wrapping! (Like kisses or miniatures – it looks more festive and is more sanitary.) I had to get kisses in purple and gold. Wtf! New Years colors? Bah!
    I can’t believe I didn’t get a chance to comment when June was mentioning queens yesterday. Two words: John Travolta. Heeeeee.

    Like

  41. I went to buy more Christmas candy for my desk last night and the store was out of candy in Christmassy wrapping! (Like kisses or miniatures – it looks more festive and is more sanitary.) I had to get kisses in purple and gold. Wtf! New Years colors? Bah!
    I can’t believe I didn’t get a chance to comment when June was mentioning queens yesterday. Two words: John Travolta. Heeeeee.

    Like

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