Come on feel the Beneful

Marvin has been home on his Christmas break for two days now, and for two mornings in a row his alarm has gone off at 5:00. This morning we were greeted with "Come On Feel The Noise" by …Ratt? Poison? Rat Poison?

Quiet Riot! It just popped into my head. Because you can take me out of Saginaw, Michigan…

Anyway, Marvin, who apparently does not learn from his mistakes, turned off Quiet Rat Poison and went back to sleep. I have no idea if he turned off the entire alarm or if we will wake up at 5:00 again tomorrow. Anyway, after a moment I said, "Muffin?"

"….hunh?"

"Come on, feel the noise," I said, loving myself.

"I'd rather not," said Marvin.

And while we are discussing riots, after I got up at a more decent hour, I did what I always do, which is let the dogs out. Whoo, whoo, whoo. Then when they come back in, they get to eat their leisurely breakfast, and by "leisurely," I mean they ingest it in two gulps and look at me like, "Is there more?"

I know I am supposed to feed Tallulah first, as she is alpha, you know, over all of us, and often I do, but Edsel's bowl is near the back door where they come in after being let out, whoo whoo whoo, so sometimes I just say screw it. I mean, just randomly when I'm out places, I will just scream, "SCREW IT" into the ether. I don't know why I didn't get asked back to the country club.

No, sometimes I will feed Edsel first, but what happens then is, I have to hold Tallulah back in this dramatic fashion, like a bouncer on Maury, while she lunges at poor Edsel's food. And of course Edsel, who it turns out is the wimpiest dog ever invented, just cowers and backs up when she lunges.

As an aside, and I know you have your hands on either side of your face in shock that I have an aside, yesterday Edsel and I were out walking and this woman said, "Well innn't that a purty dog!" then she proceeded to kneel down and put her face right in Edsel's, and people amaze me with their stupidity.

I adore dogs, did you know that? But I would NEVER put my face in a strange dog's face, and please do not look back to the post where I meet the mastiff and am kissing his big noggin 47 seconds later.

The point is, she is nuzzling Edsel and saying, "Heyloo, baybee" and being all Southern, and I notice Edsel is peeing little dribbles on the sidewalk. Because of course he's horrified. I have a German shepherd and a pit bull and they're both terrified of everything.

Anyway. So I get Edsel's puppy food out today, and it was all differented up. It was like these bright happy colors, not the usual monochromatic pellets he usually gets. It was like when I left my house, where my mother made me eat Cheerios, and went to Gramma's, where I got Kaboom.

"What is going on with Edsel's food?" I asked old Come On Feel the Alarm.

"It's Puppy Beneful," he said. "It was all they had."

Well.

Do you old timers remember when Talu was a pup and I fired our dog walker because she wrote me a note telling me to stop feeding Beneful? "Those of us in the animal community abhor it," she wrote.

This ding-dong was not FEEDING my dog. She was not supposed to be looking in my pantry. She was supposed to come in, get the dog, walk her and go home. Unless she did a fecal analysis to see what Talu was eating, she was way overstepping her duties, so to speak.

"You got BENEFUL?" I asked. Because despite the part where I got thoroughly annoyed and fired Miss Animal Community, I totally stopped feeding the Beneful. Because those in the animal community abhor it. The animal community. I picture humans with deer heads, or Pan or something.

The POINT is, and at this point you are grabbing tissue and hugging your loved ones close because I have finally gotten to the point, I poured that multicolored action in the bowl and

Tallulah

went

nuts.

The force I usually use to hold her back had to be doubled. Or perhaps tripled. She made herself extra super heavy and charged like a bull in wherever it is in Spain where they torment those bulls and I'm always glad when people get speared.

Fire came out of her eyeballs. She barked in tongues. It was like that scene in Sophie's Choice where Sophie made her, you know, choice, and I was the Nazi holding Sophie back. Oh, she wanted that kibble. Is what I am trying to convey to you.

Edsel, in the meantime, chomped merrily and ignored the whole display.

Usually I can hold Lu back and then walk through the dining room, forcing her to walk backwards like Michael Jackson until we're in the kitchen and she says, "Well, okay. Lu get her own stupid food. Good enough."

But not today. She kept DASHING around me to get to that Beneful. And the holding back would happen again. It was like I was trying to hold back a falling Redwood, so powerful was she.

My question is, what is IN Puppy Beneful? Bunnies? Squirrel? Cats? What could it be that has driven my dog to shed her dignity in such a dramatic fashion?

Benefulpleeze 
I mean, because she was the paragon of dignity before.

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Author: June

At one point, I was sort of hot, in a "she's 27 and probably a 7" kind of a way. Now I'm old and have to develop a charming personality. Guess how that's going.

72 thoughts on “Come on feel the Beneful”

  1. Where the heck is everyone this morning? It’s not like it’s Christmas eve eve or something. I really should be doing stuff. But I sit here and read bbp while eating my yogurt and granola instead of you know, cleaning.
    Maybe the beneful is like doggie crack and Talu had a flashback and just had to get at it again.
    And you had to go and mention Sophies choice. I almost start crying just reading that paragraph. It was the most depressingly sad scene in a movie ever. I can’t even remember what her choice was but I do know I balled like a baby. So thanks for sticking that bit of sadness back into my mind again.

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  2. My hubs woke up to Come All Ye Faithful this morning. By wake up I mean he slept for 20 minutes while I listened to it. I feel your pain.

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  3. Radical idea here:
    Why don’t you just turn off the alarm yourself?

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  4. Our dog, Lucy, is a 7 year old Golden Retriever. A couple of months ago in an attempt to be a bit more frugal, I started buying Beneful or that new Rachel Ray dog food at the grocery store instead of the usual high priced gourmet stuff. And Lucy started to stink. I mean, she really began to REEK. We’d give her a bath, and 28 seconds later she’d stink. She’d walk past you in the house and you’d almost keel over from the stench. It was bad. Really, really bad.
    ANYWAY, the point is that I started doing some research and discovered that Goldens are apparently very sensitive to grains, particularly corn….blah blah blah. Long story short – I went back to the hideously expensive Nutro lamb and rice dog food and voila! Within 48 hours the stench was gone!
    And…the point here? I wondered if you noticed Tallulah stinking more or less when you fed her Beneful? Maybe she covets the corn/grain?

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  5. What’s wrong with Beneful? Why do those in the Animal Community abhor it? I feed my dogs Beneful.
    I’m thinking Lu wants the Puppy Beneful because puppy food is loaded with fat and calories and she can smell the difference between the hi-test and the stripped down leaner food she gets.
    My husband claims he can wake up on his own at 5 a.m. every day without an alarm. Yeah, not. His alarm is me smacking him at 5:30 a.m. and telling him to get his butt in gear before he makes me late.

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  6. Beneful is to dogs what catnip is to cats is what you’re trying to tell us here?
    During my junior year of high school, our science teacher told our class that catnip has the same effect as marijuana. The next day about half that class was gone…what he MEANT to say was it has the same affect on CATS as marijuana has on HUMANS. If you smoke catnip, you get the diarears, BAD. Not that I would know. No, my friends and I did not drive around to 3834832 stores to find catnip that evening.
    June ~ When will my RAoK partner return from her trip to China? Did she go there for the purpose of doing RAoK? I am going about my daily life committing RAoK and she isn’t here to know! It’s a little anti climatic. Think I am missing the point of this whole thing?

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  7. Did you see “So I Married an Axe Murderer”? The part where the father says “They put a secret ingredient in KFC that makes you crave it fortnightly”. Same ingredient in Beneful. Whether or not it’s good stuff, I had a very picky dog who lived to be 18 years old and Beneful was the only food he ever enjoyed. Puppy food in general has a double portion. I had to hold my son’s dog back when I fed my dog when he was a puppy. Actually, I have to hold him, back anyway because he’s really greedy but even moreso when there’s puppy food to be had.

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  8. Jeannie, So I Married An Axe Murderer is hilarious, and that part in particular makes me pee myself. Kind of like I am Edsel. But not terrified. The colonel, with his wee beady eyes.

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  9. Heeeeed! Pants! Noeeewww!
    LOVED So I Married an Axe Murderer!
    From what I understand, Beneful and other not-as-expensive-as-their-weight-in-gold dog foods have wheat or other grains in them as fillers. Dogs should not eat wheat. Their “ancestral” diet is something like 95% protein. So, that’s the reason for “those in the animal community” not liking Beneful and the like.
    I say if your dog is thriving on whatever you’re feeding it, then good on ya!

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  10. My dog did the same thing! Our vet acted like I was purposefully feeding her arsonic. I took it away and replaced it with less “toxic” dog food, and my pup sprawled out on the floor for three days making low, gutteral noises like she’d been beaten. It’s a conspiracy, a puppy crack conspiracy.

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  11. My stomach hurts from the guffaws. Oh those Animal Community/Rescue people!! I know firsthand how crazy I am, er, they are. But I am loving the dog food chat. Everyone is right. Wheat is not so good, and feeding a food with CORN as the main ingredient (hello Science Diet) is like giving sugar to a hyper kid. June, try you some Natural Balance, no corn, no wheat,no fillers,and it is whole life food, good for puppies…Edsel can have it now, and you can feed both dogs the same thing…I knooow! When my vet and obedience instructor both recommended it for my crazy puppy, after two days she was less hyper, and her poos were less stinky..sorry, but it’s true! Petco carries it.
    But let them both enjoy the Beneful-nip first. It’s Xmas.

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  12. My stomach hurts from the guffaws. Oh those Animal Community/Rescue people!! I know firsthand how crazy I am, er, they are. But I am loving the dog food chat. Everyone is right. Wheat is not so good, and feeding a food with CORN as the main ingredient (hello Science Diet) is like giving sugar to a hyper kid. June, try you some Natural Balance, no corn, no wheat,no fillers,and it is whole life food, good for puppies…Edsel can have it now, and you can feed both dogs the same thing…I knooow! When my vet and obedience instructor both recommended it for my crazy puppy, after two days she was less hyper, and her poos were less stinky..sorry, but it’s true! Petco carries it.
    But let them both enjoy the Beneful-nip first. It’s Xmas.

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  13. My stomach hurts from the guffaws. Oh those Animal Community/Rescue people!! I know firsthand how crazy I am, er, they are. But I am loving the dog food chat. Everyone is right. Wheat is not so good, and feeding a food with CORN as the main ingredient (hello Science Diet) is like giving sugar to a hyper kid. June, try you some Natural Balance, no corn, no wheat,no fillers,and it is whole life food, good for puppies…Edsel can have it now, and you can feed both dogs the same thing…I knooow! When my vet and obedience instructor both recommended it for my crazy puppy, after two days she was less hyper, and her poos were less stinky..sorry, but it’s true! Petco carries it.
    But let them both enjoy the Beneful-nip first. It’s Xmas.

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  14. Great, I just had to rush right over to paperbackswap and order a copy of Sophie’s Choice. I’ve been meaning to read and or watch it for years.

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  15. Linda in CO, this is my last RAoK before we head out to Washington, DC after Whathisface gets home from work. I had to dash up to the grocery store last night for few quick baking items. Strolled past the meat counter (with a RAoK in mind) where I spied two gorgeous steaks (at least I hope they were as I don’t eat beef). The lines at the check-out were long as expected. I paid for my items then asked the clerk to give the separately bagged steaks to the second young couple in line behind me and wish them Merry Christmas. Gawd I hope they aren’t vegetarians! :O)
    Merry Christmas to all!!

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  16. Paula H&B
    I want to thank you for all the kindness you spread around New York on my behalf! You did lots of nice and interesting deeds, large and small, and I’m grateful for every single one.
    Merry Christmas, Paula!

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  17. That must have the same ingredient as Meow Mix does for cats. Had a cat once that we had to put on a diet, but we still fed the other cats Meow Mix. The weight-challenged kitty would scream and cry for the Meow Mix – it was a nightmare. Then one day we didn’t fully close the door to laundry (where we kept said 25 pound of Meow Mix) and we came home to a bag with a big hole in the bottom and an almost comatose cat heaped up against the bag with a glazed look in her eyes. She had found that the door wasn’t fully pulled to and chewed a hole in the bottom of the sack to get to the food. I think she belched when she saw us. She had obviously spent the better part of the day eating the contraband food. Good times.

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  18. What is so wrong with Beneful? Let me tell your ding dang dog walker that we have fed our older boxer Beneful FROM DAY ONE…and we did so after researching the product and talking with our then vet. A boxer’s lifespan is 8-10 years. Our boy is now 11 and he looks and acts like a PUPPY. Folks cannot belive he is four years older than our rescue boxer (who was subjected to Ol’ Roy before we saved him). Our older guy is barely gray, glossy and shiny and he jumps around like a puppy and has never had an illness. Never. Not even the usual things boxers can be prone to. We just rescued an abandoned Chocolate Lab pup and our vet says he is barely three months old but is the size of an average sized 5 month old. She advised we get the highest quality dog food for his calcium needs. Guess what? Beneful is just as good as the prescription formulas…from what I compared on the labels.
    I highly recommend Beneful and I highly recommend stuffing that dog walker in the dryer.
    PS. I think food allergies, while apparently more common in certain breeds, are quite individual. My vets INSISTS we not feed our dogs lamb based products, as they are highly allergenic. However, as you read here, some dogs do very well with lamb based foods.
    Sometimes just the addition of something ‘new’ gets the dogs going!

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  19. I’m with Paula on cat poop as the secret ingredient.
    But it’s the corn that’s so bad for the dogs. We use Origin. It’s grain free. Expensive as heck but you feed soooooo much less than the cheap stuff. And less in, less out, if you’re picking up what I’m putting down.
    Beneful is like MacDonald’s for dogs. Fat, salt and sugar.

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  20. I’m with Paula on cat poop as the secret ingredient.
    But it’s the corn that’s so bad for the dogs. We use Origin. It’s grain free. Expensive as heck but you feed soooooo much less than the cheap stuff. And less in, less out, if you’re picking up what I’m putting down.
    Beneful is like MacDonald’s for dogs. Fat, salt and sugar.

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  21. I’m with Paula on cat poop as the secret ingredient.
    But it’s the corn that’s so bad for the dogs. We use Origin. It’s grain free. Expensive as heck but you feed soooooo much less than the cheap stuff. And less in, less out, if you’re picking up what I’m putting down.
    Beneful is like MacDonald’s for dogs. Fat, salt and sugar.

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  22. My super powers Eagle Eye did not miss the fact you are from Saginaw. Now, other people may already know that or not give a kipper’s dick but being personally originally from Owosso, Michigan (just down the road) which is what I am, I wish to congratulate you on your escape. And I self-importantly think that I am the ONLY original thing that ever came out of Owosso which is nothing like Beneful at all. Nothing one would want to gobble up.
    One day my husband and I were sitting in the back yard shortly after moving to NC. I said, “Are we in heaven?” and he said, “Better. North Carolina.” Hear! Hear!

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  23. I have a dog who is total Diva when it comes to dog food. I have purchased “nutritionally correct” aka “expensive” dog foods and she turns her nose up at them. One day I bought her Beneful and she thought she had died and gone to dog food heaven.
    And then she started to constantly scratch and chew herself and her ears got all sorts of nasty smelling infections and because I’m mathematically challenged, it took me awhile to put 2 and 2 together and realize that the Beneful dog food she lovedlovedloved was the cause of her skin and ear issues.
    I stopped the Beneful and the skin and ear problems stopped as well. Huh.
    Unfortunately, I still have yet to find a good dog food she likes as much as she liked the Beneful.

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  24. I have a dog who is total Diva when it comes to dog food. I have purchased “nutritionally correct” aka “expensive” dog foods and she turns her nose up at them. One day I bought her Beneful and she thought she had died and gone to dog food heaven.
    And then she started to constantly scratch and chew herself and her ears got all sorts of nasty smelling infections and because I’m mathematically challenged, it took me awhile to put 2 and 2 together and realize that the Beneful dog food she lovedlovedloved was the cause of her skin and ear issues.
    I stopped the Beneful and the skin and ear problems stopped as well. Huh.
    Unfortunately, I still have yet to find a good dog food she likes as much as she liked the Beneful.

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  25. I have a dog who is total Diva when it comes to dog food. I have purchased “nutritionally correct” aka “expensive” dog foods and she turns her nose up at them. One day I bought her Beneful and she thought she had died and gone to dog food heaven.
    And then she started to constantly scratch and chew herself and her ears got all sorts of nasty smelling infections and because I’m mathematically challenged, it took me awhile to put 2 and 2 together and realize that the Beneful dog food she lovedlovedloved was the cause of her skin and ear issues.
    I stopped the Beneful and the skin and ear problems stopped as well. Huh.
    Unfortunately, I still have yet to find a good dog food she likes as much as she liked the Beneful.

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  26. Furry, we also feed our doggies Orijen. They are on the senior formula and you are SO right about less in, less out! They each only eat about a cup a day of the kibble and then we put a little bitty bit of Before Grain canned turkey or chicken on top.
    Talk about doggie CRACK! Our dogs LOVE LOVE LOVE this food!

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  27. June ~ I am just obsessed with sex. Period. Yours, mine, faithful readers Mrs. Oh, Hulk, Dawn, Original Joann, you name it. Let’s talk SEX!

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  28. Oddly, June, I picture you telling people about wanting to live in Hawaii or Owosso while also pointing at the sky and syaing “Boss! Boss! Da plane Da plane!!!”

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  29. “if you’re picking up what I’m putting down.”
    Bahahaha! That really made me laugh for some reason.
    I think its not good when you are constantly changing a dog’s food. My bil is like this and always just buys whats on sale. They had a lab that would pick up his metal bowl and toss it around until you filled it. And they would, even if he had just eaten. And he’s was huge! And can I say that they always had a funky smell to them.

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  30. I’m not going to get in anybody’s bidness about what food they feed their dog.
    It is my experience when I was feeding cheaper, corn as the first ingredient dog food, I had to feed more per day and had to pick up a larger quantity of airy, mustard colored piles.
    My sister gave us a bag of dog food. The first ingredient is chicken. It has shreds of chicken in the food. It does have grain however.
    Our dogs hoovered that food. That was last November. They’ve been eating it ever since.
    They eat half the quantity they did before. Therefore half the piles as before but the poop is solid and brown and I am happy and the dogs are happy.
    So glad I could discuss my dogs poop with you. Happy Holidays.

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  31. Our dogs eat Iams. Their poop is never fluffy and they don’t go 415 times a day. Annnnddd, Sam’s carries it. Get a 44lb bag for $35.

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  32. PJ who who would totally kill herself today and never walk again if she even thought too hard about doing a cheer. says:

    June, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Owosso! Exotic! I was a fancy pants cheerleader when I was in 9th and 10th grade and loved the “train” cheer (picture blue and yellow pom poms here) “O” swish swish swish “W” swish swish swish “O” swish swish swish “S” swish swish swish”S” swish swish swish “O” swish swish swish OWOSSO! You probably saw us do that cheer someplace and that was how you got that all exotic idea.
    Trust me, it was all an act.

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  33. My dogs sit and stare at their bowl until I tell them it’s okay to eat it. I learned this from Ceasar, because the bulldog is a chowhound and I had to find a way to slow her down, lest she get the bends.
    So now, I say “sit” and they sit. Then I put their bowls in front of them and tell them to “wait”. Then they look at me with eyes that say “For the love of Beneful! PLEASE let us eat!!” then I say “okay, go ahead”.
    The chowhound dives in, and the other waits until she’s done to eat hers one kibble at a time, just to be a bitch.

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  34. “P.S. Yall all are very obsessed with my sex life with Marvin.”
    Wait — are you saying you have a sex life with someone other than Marvin that we should be obsessed with instead?

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  35. ha, ha … DEFINITELY not bunnies unless it smells terrible! Our dog has to be on the prescription “Rabbit and Potato” food and wow … I don’t think there is a more foul smelling food out there. It’s bad going in and out. Yuck.

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  36. When I read the headline, I thought it said Benefiber and I wondered, why is June’s mixing that weird orange liquid to make her pups more regular, has she gone totally looney tunes?

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  37. Thank you, too, Texas Kari, and also a very Merry Christmas!! I had fun with the RAoK, more fun than last year and I spent way less!!
    My cats eat Iams. Their poop stinks to high heaven and there seems to be way too much for just two cats. I often wonder if they are inviting the neighborhood cats in to poop while I’m at work just to f*uck with me.

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  38. Thank you, too, Texas Kari, and also a very Merry Christmas!! I had fun with the RAoK, more fun than last year and I spent way less!!
    My cats eat Iams. Their poop stinks to high heaven and there seems to be way too much for just two cats. I often wonder if they are inviting the neighborhood cats in to poop while I’m at work just to f*uck with me.

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  39. Thank you, too, Texas Kari, and also a very Merry Christmas!! I had fun with the RAoK, more fun than last year and I spent way less!!
    My cats eat Iams. Their poop stinks to high heaven and there seems to be way too much for just two cats. I often wonder if they are inviting the neighborhood cats in to poop while I’m at work just to f*uck with me.

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  40. RAoK–Original Joann–yesterday I was 3rd in line at the post office when the unlocked the door. The very first lady threw a huge fit about something ridiculous. I felt bad for the worker people, so today I made them a bunch of cookies and took them in with a note that says “Our neighborhood appreciates you–even the mean ones that yell at you when they are in line!”
    Also–Siren–that’s what I was wondering!!

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  41. My dog is seriously anorexic, she has been since we got her – I’ve tried every food I could, including mixing in wet food – and finally gave in and tried the cheap stuff.. and beneful is the only stuff she will eat.
    I have noticed that she does smell bad at times, but at least her hip bones aren’t sticking out anymore.

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  42. Fluffy poo..yes. Fluffy. All puffed up and big. Yuck. As opposed to the harder, more compact poo of Iams.
    Siren…good call.

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  43. My sil was sitting her nephews one night and fed them some canned Veg-all at dinner. The youngest one asked if he could have more Beneful! I guess they do look the same.

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  44. I make my own dog food, but on occasion I give them the wet Beneful in the tubs. Sort of like feeding your kids all organic healthy stuff and then letting them go to Mickey D’s with their friends once in a while.
    My cats, well, they get store-bought stuff. They turned up their noses one too many times at the good quality homemade food, and now they get Wysong which is probably as expensive as crack. (if crack is expensive, I have no clue. So maybe I should have compared it to something I know about.) Wysong = Rolls Royce of pet food.
    I agree with everyone else who has noted that good quality food with no fillers going in = much less over there in Poo Corner.

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  45. Our dog is also not a dainty eater and our vet suggested we put a tennis ball in the bowl with her food to make her work at it a little more. It helped slow her down and I appreciated that since she could eat an entire bowl of food and 20 seconds later it was back up and still whole. She literally inhaled it.
    A trainer told us all dogs should be on a raw diet. As in feed her a dead rabbit. Right. Like I’m going to do that! Ours eats wellness brand, the fish flavor since ‘they say’ it is good for her coat I kinda think the specialty dog food is a big scam. Growing up we fed our dogs alpo and they lived to be ancient. Do they even make alpo anymore?

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  46. Not that we feed our pups the Beneful Healthy Radiance …. but if we did they also inhale it. I think it is puppy crack to them and all of our dogs are serious addicts.
    Right now I am cracking up listening to the hubs yell at the kitty who is climbing the bedroom curtains. The only non-Walmart curtains I have ever purchased and they were tres expensive which I why he is yelling. But get this. All other times it is Yodie this or Yodie that. When he yells at her he uses her ‘real’ name: Yoda this. Yoda that. Just like she was one of our youngins. Earlier he was yelling at Max our Bichon. He had a whole chastising conversation with him. Poor hubs doesn’t realize that dog doesn’t actually speak English but French.

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  47. My cat is on a raw diet. We order this ground chicken stuff from a place online. It ships frozen and has all the important stuff (taurine, etc.) added in. We supplement this with raw chicken strips. She’s prone to cystitis and this is the only diet that prevents her from developing terrible UTI’s. And I swear to god, her shit don’t stink.

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