Come on feel the Beneful

Marvin has been home on his Christmas break for two days now, and for two mornings in a row his alarm has gone off at 5:00. This morning we were greeted with "Come On Feel The Noise" by …Ratt? Poison? Rat Poison?

Quiet Riot! It just popped into my head. Because you can take me out of Saginaw, Michigan…

Anyway, Marvin, who apparently does not learn from his mistakes, turned off Quiet Rat Poison and went back to sleep. I have no idea if he turned off the entire alarm or if we will wake up at 5:00 again tomorrow. Anyway, after a moment I said, "Muffin?"


"Come on, feel the noise," I said, loving myself.

"I'd rather not," said Marvin.

And while we are discussing riots, after I got up at a more decent hour, I did what I always do, which is let the dogs out. Whoo, whoo, whoo. Then when they come back in, they get to eat their leisurely breakfast, and by "leisurely," I mean they ingest it in two gulps and look at me like, "Is there more?"

I know I am supposed to feed Tallulah first, as she is alpha, you know, over all of us, and often I do, but Edsel's bowl is near the back door where they come in after being let out, whoo whoo whoo, so sometimes I just say screw it. I mean, just randomly when I'm out places, I will just scream, "SCREW IT" into the ether. I don't know why I didn't get asked back to the country club.

No, sometimes I will feed Edsel first, but what happens then is, I have to hold Tallulah back in this dramatic fashion, like a bouncer on Maury, while she lunges at poor Edsel's food. And of course Edsel, who it turns out is the wimpiest dog ever invented, just cowers and backs up when she lunges.

As an aside, and I know you have your hands on either side of your face in shock that I have an aside, yesterday Edsel and I were out walking and this woman said, "Well innn't that a purty dog!" then she proceeded to kneel down and put her face right in Edsel's, and people amaze me with their stupidity.

I adore dogs, did you know that? But I would NEVER put my face in a strange dog's face, and please do not look back to the post where I meet the mastiff and am kissing his big noggin 47 seconds later.

The point is, she is nuzzling Edsel and saying, "Heyloo, baybee" and being all Southern, and I notice Edsel is peeing little dribbles on the sidewalk. Because of course he's horrified. I have a German shepherd and a pit bull and they're both terrified of everything.

Anyway. So I get Edsel's puppy food out today, and it was all differented up. It was like these bright happy colors, not the usual monochromatic pellets he usually gets. It was like when I left my house, where my mother made me eat Cheerios, and went to Gramma's, where I got Kaboom.

"What is going on with Edsel's food?" I asked old Come On Feel the Alarm.

"It's Puppy Beneful," he said. "It was all they had."


Do you old timers remember when Talu was a pup and I fired our dog walker because she wrote me a note telling me to stop feeding Beneful? "Those of us in the animal community abhor it," she wrote.

This ding-dong was not FEEDING my dog. She was not supposed to be looking in my pantry. She was supposed to come in, get the dog, walk her and go home. Unless she did a fecal analysis to see what Talu was eating, she was way overstepping her duties, so to speak.

"You got BENEFUL?" I asked. Because despite the part where I got thoroughly annoyed and fired Miss Animal Community, I totally stopped feeding the Beneful. Because those in the animal community abhor it. The animal community. I picture humans with deer heads, or Pan or something.

The POINT is, and at this point you are grabbing tissue and hugging your loved ones close because I have finally gotten to the point, I poured that multicolored action in the bowl and




The force I usually use to hold her back had to be doubled. Or perhaps tripled. She made herself extra super heavy and charged like a bull in wherever it is in Spain where they torment those bulls and I'm always glad when people get speared.

Fire came out of her eyeballs. She barked in tongues. It was like that scene in Sophie's Choice where Sophie made her, you know, choice, and I was the Nazi holding Sophie back. Oh, she wanted that kibble. Is what I am trying to convey to you.

Edsel, in the meantime, chomped merrily and ignored the whole display.

Usually I can hold Lu back and then walk through the dining room, forcing her to walk backwards like Michael Jackson until we're in the kitchen and she says, "Well, okay. Lu get her own stupid food. Good enough."

But not today. She kept DASHING around me to get to that Beneful. And the holding back would happen again. It was like I was trying to hold back a falling Redwood, so powerful was she.

My question is, what is IN Puppy Beneful? Bunnies? Squirrel? Cats? What could it be that has driven my dog to shed her dignity in such a dramatic fashion?

I mean, because she was the paragon of dignity before.

72 thoughts on “Come on feel the Beneful

  1. Thank you, too, Texas Kari, and also a very Merry Christmas!! I had fun with the RAoK, more fun than last year and I spent way less!!
    My cats eat Iams. Their poop stinks to high heaven and there seems to be way too much for just two cats. I often wonder if they are inviting the neighborhood cats in to poop while I’m at work just to f*uck with me.


  2. Thank you, too, Texas Kari, and also a very Merry Christmas!! I had fun with the RAoK, more fun than last year and I spent way less!!
    My cats eat Iams. Their poop stinks to high heaven and there seems to be way too much for just two cats. I often wonder if they are inviting the neighborhood cats in to poop while I’m at work just to f*uck with me.


  3. RAoK–Original Joann–yesterday I was 3rd in line at the post office when the unlocked the door. The very first lady threw a huge fit about something ridiculous. I felt bad for the worker people, so today I made them a bunch of cookies and took them in with a note that says “Our neighborhood appreciates you–even the mean ones that yell at you when they are in line!”
    Also–Siren–that’s what I was wondering!!


  4. My dog is seriously anorexic, she has been since we got her – I’ve tried every food I could, including mixing in wet food – and finally gave in and tried the cheap stuff.. and beneful is the only stuff she will eat.
    I have noticed that she does smell bad at times, but at least her hip bones aren’t sticking out anymore.


  5. Fluffy poo..yes. Fluffy. All puffed up and big. Yuck. As opposed to the harder, more compact poo of Iams.
    Siren…good call.


  6. My sil was sitting her nephews one night and fed them some canned Veg-all at dinner. The youngest one asked if he could have more Beneful! I guess they do look the same.


  7. I make my own dog food, but on occasion I give them the wet Beneful in the tubs. Sort of like feeding your kids all organic healthy stuff and then letting them go to Mickey D’s with their friends once in a while.
    My cats, well, they get store-bought stuff. They turned up their noses one too many times at the good quality homemade food, and now they get Wysong which is probably as expensive as crack. (if crack is expensive, I have no clue. So maybe I should have compared it to something I know about.) Wysong = Rolls Royce of pet food.
    I agree with everyone else who has noted that good quality food with no fillers going in = much less over there in Poo Corner.


  8. Our dog is also not a dainty eater and our vet suggested we put a tennis ball in the bowl with her food to make her work at it a little more. It helped slow her down and I appreciated that since she could eat an entire bowl of food and 20 seconds later it was back up and still whole. She literally inhaled it.
    A trainer told us all dogs should be on a raw diet. As in feed her a dead rabbit. Right. Like I’m going to do that! Ours eats wellness brand, the fish flavor since ‘they say’ it is good for her coat I kinda think the specialty dog food is a big scam. Growing up we fed our dogs alpo and they lived to be ancient. Do they even make alpo anymore?


  9. Not that we feed our pups the Beneful Healthy Radiance …. but if we did they also inhale it. I think it is puppy crack to them and all of our dogs are serious addicts.
    Right now I am cracking up listening to the hubs yell at the kitty who is climbing the bedroom curtains. The only non-Walmart curtains I have ever purchased and they were tres expensive which I why he is yelling. But get this. All other times it is Yodie this or Yodie that. When he yells at her he uses her ‘real’ name: Yoda this. Yoda that. Just like she was one of our youngins. Earlier he was yelling at Max our Bichon. He had a whole chastising conversation with him. Poor hubs doesn’t realize that dog doesn’t actually speak English but French.


  10. My cat is on a raw diet. We order this ground chicken stuff from a place online. It ships frozen and has all the important stuff (taurine, etc.) added in. We supplement this with raw chicken strips. She’s prone to cystitis and this is the only diet that prevents her from developing terrible UTI’s. And I swear to god, her shit don’t stink.


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