Marvin has been home on his Christmas break for two days now, and for two mornings in a row his alarm has gone off at 5:00. This morning we were greeted with "Come On Feel The Noise" by …Ratt? Poison? Rat Poison?
Quiet Riot! It just popped into my head. Because you can take me out of Saginaw, Michigan…
Anyway, Marvin, who apparently does not learn from his mistakes, turned off Quiet Rat Poison and went back to sleep. I have no idea if he turned off the entire alarm or if we will wake up at 5:00 again tomorrow. Anyway, after a moment I said, "Muffin?"
"Come on, feel the noise," I said, loving myself.
"I'd rather not," said Marvin.
And while we are discussing riots, after I got up at a more decent hour, I did what I always do, which is let the dogs out. Whoo, whoo, whoo. Then when they come back in, they get to eat their leisurely breakfast, and by "leisurely," I mean they ingest it in two gulps and look at me like, "Is there more?"
I know I am supposed to feed Tallulah first, as she is alpha, you know, over all of us, and often I do, but Edsel's bowl is near the back door where they come in after being let out, whoo whoo whoo, so sometimes I just say screw it. I mean, just randomly when I'm out places, I will just scream, "SCREW IT" into the ether. I don't know why I didn't get asked back to the country club.
No, sometimes I will feed Edsel first, but what happens then is, I have to hold Tallulah back in this dramatic fashion, like a bouncer on Maury, while she lunges at poor Edsel's food. And of course Edsel, who it turns out is the wimpiest dog ever invented, just cowers and backs up when she lunges.
As an aside, and I know you have your hands on either side of your face in shock that I have an aside, yesterday Edsel and I were out walking and this woman said, "Well innn't that a purty dog!" then she proceeded to kneel down and put her face right in Edsel's, and people amaze me with their stupidity.
I adore dogs, did you know that? But I would NEVER put my face in a strange dog's face, and please do not look back to the post where I meet the mastiff and am kissing his big noggin 47 seconds later.
The point is, she is nuzzling Edsel and saying, "Heyloo, baybee" and being all Southern, and I notice Edsel is peeing little dribbles on the sidewalk. Because of course he's horrified. I have a German shepherd and a pit bull and they're both terrified of everything.
Anyway. So I get Edsel's puppy food out today, and it was all differented up. It was like these bright happy colors, not the usual monochromatic pellets he usually gets. It was like when I left my house, where my mother made me eat Cheerios, and went to Gramma's, where I got Kaboom.
"What is going on with Edsel's food?" I asked old Come On Feel the Alarm.
"It's Puppy Beneful," he said. "It was all they had."
Do you old timers remember when Talu was a pup and I fired our dog walker because she wrote me a note telling me to stop feeding Beneful? "Those of us in the animal community abhor it," she wrote.
This ding-dong was not FEEDING my dog. She was not supposed to be looking in my pantry. She was supposed to come in, get the dog, walk her and go home. Unless she did a fecal analysis to see what Talu was eating, she was way overstepping her duties, so to speak.
"You got BENEFUL?" I asked. Because despite the part where I got thoroughly annoyed and fired Miss Animal Community, I totally stopped feeding the Beneful. Because those in the animal community abhor it. The animal community. I picture humans with deer heads, or Pan or something.
The POINT is, and at this point you are grabbing tissue and hugging your loved ones close because I have finally gotten to the point, I poured that multicolored action in the bowl and
The force I usually use to hold her back had to be doubled. Or perhaps tripled. She made herself extra super heavy and charged like a bull in wherever it is in Spain where they torment those bulls and I'm always glad when people get speared.
Fire came out of her eyeballs. She barked in tongues. It was like that scene in Sophie's Choice where Sophie made her, you know, choice, and I was the Nazi holding Sophie back. Oh, she wanted that kibble. Is what I am trying to convey to you.
Edsel, in the meantime, chomped merrily and ignored the whole display.
Usually I can hold Lu back and then walk through the dining room, forcing her to walk backwards like Michael Jackson until we're in the kitchen and she says, "Well, okay. Lu get her own stupid food. Good enough."
But not today. She kept DASHING around me to get to that Beneful. And the holding back would happen again. It was like I was trying to hold back a falling Redwood, so powerful was she.
My question is, what is IN Puppy Beneful? Bunnies? Squirrel? Cats? What could it be that has driven my dog to shed her dignity in such a dramatic fashion?