My Christmas, a highly anticipated story that really isn’t that fascinating

So it was Christmas last week. Did you notice? I keep saying Ima tell you about mine, so here I go.

We went to TinyTown for Christmas Eve, as we are wont to do. As usual, we had a good time, other than the part where Edsel peed on our hostess's floor.

It was too long to leave him in his crate, so we HAD to bring him, and then he got all excited by the people, plus he loves rum balls, and anyway he just did the excited pee blips, not like a giant puddle. Still.

Naturally our hostess, who is not featured in the above photo because she was probably on the phone with 1-800-HardwoodFloorEmergencyResponders, was quite gracious about it and we will never be asked back again.

We did not get home until about 3:00, because I am telling you, those Episcopalians rock out with their Books of Common Prayer out. But we had to get up early Christmas morning because we went to brunch at our alive neighbor's house.

We told Peg, our alive neighbor, that we were coming over in our pajamas, and so she wore hers.

Oh, the food was good. I ate an entire pig, so crispy was her bacon. Also, I like how people think I stuck with the vegetarian thing. Have you met me and my stick-with-my-plans self?

Anyway, just when we left Peg's and tried to roll home, the snow was starting.

I mean, even THIS much snow is exciting for here. But oh, was there more to come.

Somehow we managed to open our gifts before we went to Peg's. We did a lot of living between Christmas Eve and Christmas afternoon.

Marvin had his annual Christmas cold, which I think is his body's way of saying, "Hey, Jew, don't let me down. You aren't supposed to be celebrating Christmas." Also, will someone tell him to ix-nay the at-hay from the truck op-stay? He is Tough Guy Levi, over there, with his Jewish cowboy self.

Marvin put Giant Krabby Patties in my stocking, and I cannot imagine what that means, and also Eclipse trading cards. I know! I have one card with one of the werewolves that reads, "What up, Bella?" I am the coolest Krabby Patty ever.

From the year I was 12 until I was 25, I visited my father in Dallas and then Atlanta. I would lie lie lie by the pool, slathered in zero sunscreen, and hello, 80-year-old-person's withered freckled chest. Anyway, here is the bird necklace I asked for. Love it!

Marvin also got me this beautiful bird pillbox, because apparently I am a Krabby Patty and also a pill. But I love love love this pillbox.

Marv was excited to get some dumb music-related thing. For a change.

I was excited to get something pink and cat-related. For a change.

I gave the dogs big bones to chew, which Tallulah immediately ripped from poor Edsel's mouf so then she'd have TWO bones to chew. This was as much as I could show you, because every time I tried to get near her stupid bone collection, she'd turn away. Because I was DYING to chew that bone my own self.

After we opened all 6940-29423=459 of our gifts, Marvin said, "Is that IT?" which is what I used to do when I was 10.

Then we went outside to admire all the snow.

"what dis snow, momma? do edsel like it?"

"yes, edsel do."

I am sorry to tell you that I ripped all the decorations down the day after Christmas, because it may shock you to hear a large galumpy five-month-old puppy and Christmas decorations really do not mix. The POINT is that I opened the front door to take down the wreath, and Edsel and Tallulah SHOT out the door. I did not think they would, as they usually don't, but apparently the snow was too exciting.

Edsel came back as soon as I called him. Because he is a good dog. I am sorry to tell you that Talu SMILED at me, I am not kidding, this horrid bitchy wriggly grin, and shot off the way she does, reminding us she has the Beagle in her. She is lucky she did not have the lead in her. OH, I was IRRITATED.

I had to go outside IN MY PAJAMAS and try to lure her, which was impossible because when she gets on one of those "I'M FREE!" tears, I am helpless. Fortunately no one was out driving, and after about a half hour she had turned to butter and came home. You don't know how bad I want to beat her when she does this, which if we think about it, it's been a long time, hasn't it? But anyway you have to be all NICE, so they come HOME and don't fear the reaper and all.

I don't know why you'd want to run around in the ice and snow when you are naked, anyway. Oh, and she really was naked. I had taken off her Christmas collar and her normal collar was in the wash. So then I thought, Someone is gonna think she's a stray and I'll never see her again.

No such luck.

But speaking of my bad pets, please note rolly sexy Hen, and also Marvin's SHOE that Edsel has clearly put on the angry chair, which is beside the point but cracks me up. Also, "Hank" of "corner house" is the number I am to call re the dead neighbor. And if this is the first time you are reading this blog you are all, Now, what now?

ANYWAY, Henry decided to get up on the fridge and roll around and be all alluring, except you know what?

There used to be a spice rack up there. He rolled and rolled and KNOCKED IT DOWN.

Nice. It looks like upturned coffins. And our house smelled like an Indian marketplace. Christmassy!

"henree satisfy. cawse kayoss. krissmiss compleet."


And that night? Christmas night? It was all cold and snowy and blowy and icy? Kipper's Dick Melba Dreamsicle came back! He mowed at the door and I could not believe it! He had snow on his little fur and I dried him off, but as usual he just wanted a few pets then left again. Who would leave him out in a SNOWSTORM?

Finally, I want you to know that the storm did not stop me from going with The Other June to buy just what I needed–more ornaments! at 75% off.

I got lots of pretty ones, although there are these bird nest ornaments I got that in retrospect look like ovaries in a hamburger patty. Can you sort of see one of them, on the right, there? With the silver egg/ovary and the gold hamburger? Nothing says Christmas like ovaries on beef. I mean, other than an Indian marketplace.

That about wraps it up. I hope your Christmas was equally eventful. And ovary-y.



34 thoughts on “My Christmas, a highly anticipated story that really isn’t that fascinating

  1. There’s the mug for many of us–Hen’s Mewwy Kwissmiss Kayoss!


  2. Clearly the pink kitty pjs ARE the marital aid. That one was easy. And I vote for Marvin wearing the hat whenever he wants – look how happy it makes him! As for Talu’s big break out – girls just wanna have Fu-un!
    Happiest of New Year wishes to all! I hope all your furry friends stay close to home, all your neighbors stay alive and all who need it get gainful employment. And, last but not least, a date for Hulk for New Years Eve. If not this year, then for sure in 2011!


  3. Hilarious post. Henry looks so innocent even after making such a mess. I suppose he watched you clean all the mess up while still lounging on top of the refrigerator.
    We need a report on what Hank had to say about the dead neighbor.


  4. Regarding Peach Melba Kipper or whatever her name is, our fluffy furry spoiled rotten gorgeous big kitty, Gucci, used to disappear for 1 to 3 days on a regular basis. But he always came home happy, purring, and smelling like BACON! And he always reappeared right after breakfast. We learned not to worry…he was clearly two-timing us but at least in a good home.


  5. I wondered if you just sprung Edsel on your TinyTown Hostess? You know got there a said, “Merry Christmas, by there way here’s my 5 month old piddly puppy. Surprise!”
    Still love little Hen’s soul patch. The shot of your stove is amazing. It’s so clean. Then I remembered you don’t cook so I don’t feel so bad about the baked on food I can’t quite scrub off.
    You will be the cat’s pajamas in your new pjs.


  6. Love all the pics in this post! The snow covered branches picture looks very artistic, you could frame it!
    Love the kitty jammies.


  7. The Tiny Town Episcopalians crack me up with their buttoned up holiday wear and their bourbons. I’m a Big City Episcopalian, but I think I need to make friends with Tiny Town Episcopalians.
    BOTH of you are total ten year olds what with your glitter lip gloss and your trading cards and Marvin’s hat and his “Is that it?” comment with the table piled high. Marvin looks like he’s going to bounce up and down on the couch over that Black Sabbath CD.


  8. Love the Hen. And it looks like he’s finally filling out abit.
    OH! I canNOT forget about the jams. LOVE!
    and the birds as well.
    well done marv.


  9. I think because Henry grew up with the paparazzi (blog stalkers) he has no fear of the camera. He has a certain Kardashian look about him… except he needs darker hair and fake boobs.
    I got my mom the same pillbox for her stocking and it was her favorite gift.
    Plus, also Edsel is only five months old? Is he going to be like 6 foot 4 inches tall? Wow.


  10. Don’t put your ovaries in the attic, next to the pinecones, lest they too be lost.


  11. What I like about Henry is how he looks right into the camera and he has such expressions. At least he does to me. I do not know if he was born with this gift, or if he learned it from being blog kitty.


  12. Amish Annie, pet mom to seven extremely innappropriate animal children this holiday season yet the two human children were great; go figure!

    Can Henry be any more cute than the pic of him laying sideways on top of the fridge?! Totally adorable!
    Marvin did good choosing the pillbox and necklace, they are sweet and peaceful although I never have been sure what a pillbox was. They’re so small and round, how can one fit all their pills for the next hour or two in them? Maybe that’s just me.
    Talu running freeeeee after giving a shitty grin? Shocking. Clearly I have a Beagle that gives the same shitty grin and then runs as far and fast away as she can….and she’s blind no less. I definitely think this was The Season For Pets Behaving Badly!


  13. I am not making this up. I am reading a novel and on page 302 (and I quote–that’s why I’m using quotation marks–) “Aunt Herm was eating a kipper and the smell made Maud feel rather ill.” So…they not only have dicks, they smell. Who’d a thought?
    Oh yes, great Christmas pics! Loved them. And definitely ix-nay the at-hay as well as the ipper-kays with or without the ik-days.


  14. That is the most fabulous picture of Henry lying on his side, pretending he didn’t knock the spice rack over.
    Thank you June for wonderful blog posts during 2010, can’t wait for the 2011 edition.
    Happy New Year to you and Marvin when it comes.
    Faithful reader (but infrequent commenter). Vicki


  15. Sounds like you had a great Christmas. Thank you for all the pictures, I love how excited Marvin gets about dumb music stuff. The necklace is so pretty! What are we doing for New Years Eve tomorrow, is everyone meeting here maybe?


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