June's stupid life · Photo essays

Picture book. Pictures of your dogs-a, and your antipasta, a long time ago. Or, yesterday.

I asked all y'all all all to send me pictures of what you were up to yesterday, and here they are.

Siren
Siren sent me the first photo of her happy-go-lucky self, right at midnight Sunday morning. She did not tell me her locale, but she said "Eastern time," which leads me to believe she is somewhere in the East.

And by the way, when I said give me your locale, I meant where geographically. You have no idea how many of you said, "Locale: in my kitchen." Sighhhhh.

I like Siren's hair. I wish I could achieve that disheveled-on-purpose look, but I never can. Too coarse. My hair, I mean.

Justtrytogetinhere
I took this one at 12:15 a.m., Greensboro, NC, when I was trying to get into bed and fricken Noah's Arc was in my way. Look how Tallulah looks so put out.

Betty
Mrs. Blue took this at 7:05 a.m. She said she is happily homeless at the moment. Now we gotta look at her blog to see why. In case my cousin Katie reads this, when someone's name is in blue, it means I linked to their blog.

Spot front
Joanie's cat Spotte, who is one of those half-a-face kitties I love so much, was annoyed that it was 7 a.m. in California and he had to pose rather than get fed. Both halves were bugged.

Dearest
Mommy Dearest showed us the sunrise in Florida. Beeyotiful.

Regjo
Regular Joann's family at 8:30 in the morning.

Michigan
And in a direct juxtaposition from the Florida morning, hello Barb's back yard in Michigan.

Youknowwhoiam
Faithful Reader youknowwhoIam was meditating at 8:08 a.m. in Denver, with her sizable cat.
Prose
Ann is ignoring her laundry at 9:15 a.m. in Tuscon.

Sunday0930AM
My friend in real life, Laurie, who lives here in Greensboro and is fancy with her photo skillz. Taken at 9:30 a.m.

Dianesbfast
Here is Diane's healthy 9:34 a.m. breakfast. Do you think she had a bacon, egg and cheese biscuit after she took this picture?

Maryc Hello, Mary C's cute doggies in New York state at 9:42 a.m.

Japan D.Spicable sent me this one from Okinawa, Japan, during roller derby practice at 10 a.m.

Twelvedays
Faithful Reader and one of my favorite people TwelveDaysOld snuggled with her cat at 10 a.m. in Oregon.

  Newarkten
Lauren took this photo of her daughter at Newark airport, at 10 a.m. Do you think she's gonna throw that peel to see who trips on it? Do you know I actually know someone who tripped on a banana peel?
Teechurchtenfifteen
Tee in Georgia was in church at 10:15. Holy cats, that's a big congregation.

Anne
Hello, upside-down muffin. I love you. Anne took this at 10:30 a.m. in Maryland.

IMG_0924
Here is Hulk, who I think cheated and took his photo on Saturday, ice fishing. Eeek. All i can say is thank heavens for beer.

Mycyclamen
Linda took a photo of her cyclamen, then went on my blog yesterday and reported that she did so, which lead Siren to spend the rest of the day wondering what a "cyclamen" was. She thought maybe cyclamen were men who don't commit.

And by the way, if you sent me your picture and then two hours later sent me another email saying, "I forgot to tell you my blog link/time of day/location" I just had too many photos and emails so slog through to go back and find your photo and add the info. I am sorry. I am a cyclawoman.

Lidsville
Kelly watched Lidsville on the West Coast at 10:30 a.m. Lidsville. Hold on to your hat.

Melanie
Here's Melanie, in her room at 10:40. I totally want a beauty chair now.

Bread
At 10:42 a.m., Dawn in Austin, Texas was making cajun bread pudding. Me, too.

Duffy
Faithful Reader Duffylou was being all artistic at 11 a.m.

 

Pot
Here's Letha's firepot, taken at 11:15 a.m. in Georgia. I do not know what a firepot is. I mean, I'm looking at it and I still don't know.

 

Stephani
Here is a fancy shot of Tampa, Florida, taken by Stephanie at 11:33 a.m.

Jennifer
Jennifer didn't feel well and was trying to convince herself to eat this blueberry toast at noon in Florida. I must be big in Florida. Do any of you know Barry Gibb? Tell him I said hey.

DuckinWater
The Zadge's dog Harry dropped his duck in water. I guess he didn't want it to feel like a duck out of water. BAH! Anyway, Zadge, Harry and the duck live in Denver.

Lisapie
LisaPie in Texas enjoys reading the obits on Sunday while she eats tacos. Kills me. So to speak.

Shelleytwelevetwentyseven
At 12:27 p.m. in Texas, Shelley had this healthy snack. If I ate this much fruit my body would turn inside-out from confusion.

Othererin
The Other Erin has a freakishly large baby in the DC suburbs. Taken at 12:30 p.m.

Denver
Linda in Colorado took her kids and their friend out for dim sum at 12:40 p.m. Live long and prosper.

Snuggle Chelle put her stuffed animal and her kid down for a nap at 1 p.m. in Colorado.

Amishannie
Amish Annie in Iowa took this picture of her 130-year-old barn at 11:30 in the morning, and I realize we've gone back in time, but I just spent 30 minutes trying to get this picture on here. I have no idea why it caused any trouble. My mother just called to say hi and I was all, eff off. Have I mentioned I never should have started this task?

Anyway, this is the kind of barn Marvin and I would go into and never leave again for 12 hours. LOOK at all the stuff.

Lucyphoenixtwelvethirtytwo
Lucy went for a drive to Gramma's at 12:32 p.m. in Phoenix. She belongs to Amy.

Jessica
In Iowa, Jessica's kids had a 12:45 p.m. dance dance revolution party. As you do. Because it was hammer time. BAH!

MrsThor Procrastinates
Mrs. Thor was procrastinating in New York state at 1:10 p.m. I like those coasters.

Relax
Christine's daughter enjoyed the unseasonably warm Georgia afternoon.

Pjdog
Here's PJ's doggie at 1:30 p.m. in Charlotte, NC.

Jess
At the same time, Jessica shopped for books in Nashville. 

Tile
Texas Kari's family was picking out tile at 1:40 p.m. She said for people to tell her which one they like best. I like the bottom-left one.

Amyonefortyseventenn
Here's Amy at 1:47 p.m. in Tennessee. She is really small.

Dot
My friend Dottie, who found that kitten I showed you who STILL NEEDS A HOME, also found a butterfly, in January in Michigan at 2:10 p.m. This would only happen to Dottie.

Target 003 Here are Faithful Readers Target Steve and his wife, Beth. They are hilarious, and apparently, Target Steve really works at Target.

Snow on the deck
Lucy posing
If people sent me more than one picture, I only used one, but Faithful Reader and ridiculous commentor Cosmo's dad sent me snow on his deck, which sounds dirty, and I liked that picture, and then of course I could not resist a photo of his dog, Lucy. They are in Maryland.

Faith
Faith sent me several laundry photos from Connecticut. Felt bad for her.

Tired all da time
Tired all da time too
Clearly, you can get away with sending me more than one picture if your dogs are involved. Faithful Reader Jill Munroe sent her tired-ass dogs resting on a Texas afternoon. Don't you think the bottom dog, so to speak, looks a little Edsel-y?

London
Nithya, at 2 p.m. in London. Who knew London would be so green right now?

  Jazzy Meanwhile, at 2:07 p.m. in Boulder, Colorado, Jazzy gives the sad-dog look in hopes of acquiring snacks from Jala.
Atlanta
Susan took a photo while careening down an Atlanta highway at 3 p.m. June's blog. Where you risk your life for the possibility of an inflatable meatloaf.

Doggies
Furry Godmother's cute cute earsy doggies at 3 p.m. in Memphis.

Renee
My friend-in-real-life Renee took this picture at 3:23 p.m. in her neighborhood in Maui. Yes. Maui. I hate her, too.

Coastal
Anita was still in her jams at 3:30 p.m. My kind of gal.

EverythingisanArgument
My friend Lynn was doing her homework from her "angry chair," as she called it, while also perusing my blog at 3:35 in Colorado.

Summerinnc
Summer's family ignoring the still-up Christmas decorations and instead enjoying the nice North Carolina day, at 3:48 p.m.

Mrsohtobe
Mrs. Oh is doing…something in Florida at 4 p.m.

Sparkplug
Fay's dog Spark Plug, who is not living up to his name at 4 p.m. in Atlanta.

Steve
In the meantime, in sunny Seattle (BAH!), my friend-in-real-life Steve took this picture of his kid vacuuming things. Am so calling Child Protective Services.

Annie
Annie in Florida, where I continue to be big, took this photo at 4:15, because she said children's toys are all she ever looks at. I do not know if this is a result of some sort of disorder or what.

Joann
I wish I could begin to tell you how many photos Joann sent me of her own self. I was in the parking lot at Belk, after buying Clinique Clarifying stuff, and I said I'll just check my iPhone for messages. Nine hundred thousand of them were from Joann. She slays me.

Amy
Amy dined at the Mongolian Grill at 5 p.m. in Maryland.

Suzannehawaiifiveofour
Suzanne was biking in Hawaii at 5:04 p.m. Me, too.

Henrylookingkitty
Apron Strings showed me her Henry-looking kitty taking what is probably a rare and unusual cat nap at 5:14 p.m. in Pennsylvania.

Iowamomrunning
Iowamom ran more than seven miles at a 9:09 pace. If you do not know from running paces, that would fall under the category of damn fast.

Maryshusband
Mary's husband grilled chicken in the balmy 27-degree weather at 5:40 p.m.

Carrie
Carrie had some crap meat in Farmington, Michigan.

Molly
Molly took a big old pile of clothes to Goodwill in Virginia.

Bunny
Alizabeth enjoyed her bunny at 5:50 in Portland, Oregon. HELLO BUNNY HEAD!!!

Aprolat619
Apron Strings sent me another picture, taken at 6:19 p.m. It is like the Shroud of Happy Face or something.

Heathernd6pm
Heather's daughter is a lot happier about taking a bath than Tallulah ever is. 6:10 p.m., Fargo, ND.

Dianeagain
Diane sent us her cute daughter being all pastel and baby-y.

Juicesdog
At 7:41 p.m., Juice's dog wore a sweater and looked vaguely resentful.

Potpie
Grace made a pot pie for her friend. I had no idea you could MAKE pot pie. Did I ever tell you guys the story of my father and the pot pie? If not, remind me when I am done with this uploading photos HELL, over here.

Soupga
At 7:45 p.m., Sadie made lentil soup in Georgia. Apparently you people cook at night. Hunh.

Scrabbleshana
Shana was screwed at Scrabble in Vancouver, Washington.

Columbusninefifteenpm
Kim's husband was just diagnosed with diabetes, and she took a picture of all the supplies at 9:15 last night, in Ohio.

Pendyninefortyga
Pendy showed us her enviable stack of reading material at 9:40 in Georgia.

Jessicaninefortysevendallas
Jessica's dog looks all scruffy at 9:47 p.m. in Dallas.

Kimber10ken
At 10 p.m. in Kentucky, Kimber drinks whiskey and reads my blog. And eats chocolate. Excellent.

Leahsbraeleventwentyfiveseattle
In Seattle, at 12:25 a.m., Leah learned not to wash her bras all together. We support you, Leah. Get it? Do you? Am I tired now? Have I been downloading pictures since Moses wore short pants?

I got some pictures today, which I DISTINCTLY said not to do, and if you felt like someone was cursing you out just now, THEY WERE.

ArtificiallegbayviewcgrockportTX
Linda saw this while hiking in Texas.

Shelleyredrocks
Shelley went to Red Rocks in Colorado, and I have been there. I drank beer there. Yay.

Fawn
And Fawn was being eaten by a shark in Arkansas.

I have been sitting here for FOUR HOURS, so if I screwed up your link or name or something, I am sorry. Anyway, thanks, everyone, for showing us your Sunday!

June's stupid life · Photo essays

Picture day

Don't forget, today is the day to send me your picture of something from today. I don't care what it is. Send me a picture of the Schwepps in your grocery aisle.

I have gotten several pictures already, and here is a reminder: do not forget to send me your name, YOUR BLOG LINK (don't just tell me your name, because I will not remember which blog is whose) (sorry) (it's not that I'm self-involved, I just talk to a lot of you) (well, and also I'm self-involved) and the TIME YOU TOOK THE PICTURE. And WHERE YOU AT.

Love,

June

Friends · Gardening · June's stupid life

Cranky June

Oh, please. Like I have time to blog. Do you understand just HOW MANY Sopranos episodes there are?

Also too, Marvin and I are cleaning up the back yard, which looks like depressed drug addicts own it. Depressed drug addicts who enjoy disemboweling plush toys. Then I have a movie with my friend Hammy this p.m. (we're seeing some British film at the fancy foreign-film place) and THEN I have a 1920s theme party to go to. Well, and so does Marvin, if he can get his zoot suit in order.

I have no idea if zoot suits are from the '20s.

In the meantime, don't forget to take a photograph tomorrow and email it to me with your name, blog link, where you live and what time of day itwas. And no, you can't send me one on Monday instead. And the first person who sends me one Monday and uses the phrase "late for the party" has to EAT an inflatable meatload.

Meatload. Oh that is disgusting, whatever it is. Meatload. Look, my wrists are already tired from using the giant hedge clippers in the back yard today. Do you have any idea how many fricken weed trees are back there?

Anyway, Siren is comment of the week, because she is so uplifting and chipper. She is kind of like Snow White. Or Francis. I heart you, Siren.

Faithful Readers · June's stupid life · Photo essays

Rockwellin out with my smock out

Wouldn't it have been awful if I'd have driven all the way for that Rockwell exhibit and instead of Normal Rockwell it was that idiot Rockwell, who sang Somebody's Watchin' Me?

 

I realize that is the worst video ever. The real video made you sit through TWO COMMERCIALS first and I refused to put it up here.

Anyway. Luckily everyone continued to not watch THAT Rockwell and we all looked at Norman Rockwell instead. There were tons of his paintings, including one of my favorites:

Norman-rockwell-day-in-the-life-of-a-little-girl
I remember staring at this when I was a kid, wishing I would have a fun day like this. Mostly I read books in the basement. It would have been a small painting, had he captured me.

After the exhibit, Carpool Queen had to go…carpool, and I had about an hour before I got my roots done.

Cupcakes
Fortunately I found something to do.

But oooo! Speaking of capturing a day in someone's life? Which that painting did and, you know, this blog does in agonizingly detailed fashion? Last night Marvin was watching a live stream of a (sit down) documentary that was coming from Sundance. And I watched a little of it with him and it was fascinating. These filmmakers asked people around the word, on July 24 of last year, to film a bit of something from their lives. Then they made a whole film about it.

I thought we could do something similar here! How about this coming Sunday you take a picture of something from your life or something you observed. Email it to me at byebyepieblog@gmail.com. Tell me your name, blog link, where you are, and what time of day it was. I will put up the pictures in chronological order sometime next week.

Doesn't that sound fun?  I mean, more fun than all of you changing your IDs and email addresses to make the colored square next to your comments a different color? In case anyone wondered why I had 994374930 comments yesterday, that is what these bozos were doing yesterday while I was out.

Okay, I have to go watch 86 hours of the Sopranos now. Oh, but in a special aside to the think tank of readers who similarly watched The Real Housewives Reunion last night? What was with Kyle's dress with the wings? Did she drink Red Bull? Also, Lisa is too pretty to only have sex twice a year.

I'm glad we could have this deep talk.

I am berserk · June's stupid life · Television

It’s me, you old poop!

We just had drama over here at house o' June. I fed Francis his morning bunny and Tallulah tried the whole get-on-the-angry-chair-to-check-it-out move that Edsel's been doing.

You have never seen so much fur fly in your life. Francis smack smack smacked poor Talu, leaving her with a bloody snout. Tallulah showed her teeth and barked, but please. Fran so won this round.

Scared 
I cleaned her up and she is sticking close to my chair now. My big tough Pit Bull.

You know what Francis has not done? Is mellow in his old age. Also? The bunny food is going to be a constant source of struggle in this house.

We really get a nice view up Talu's nostrils in that shot, don't we? Hello-hello-hello-hello! Echo-echo-echo! Don't you hate people who shout "echo" into a place where there's an echo?

Oooo! The mailman's truck is stopping at my house! Hang on. In eight seconds, old bloody snout will see it and that'll be the end of my eardrums.

Crap. He's just SITTING there, probably reading my extra-special mail. Maybe it's my Sopranos boxed set! Did I tell you I splurged and bought it on sale? Did I tell you I'm unemployed? If it's my Sopranos boxed set you will never hear from —

Oooo! Doorbell!

86hoursoffun 
Aaaaaccckk! It's here! It's here! And I have to go to stupid Raleigh today to see Norman (Rockwell, not Thayer) with my pal Carpool Queen, and then after I have to get my hair done.

Crap. Do you think I can call in Sopranoed to both things? "I'm sorry, I can't live my actual life because I want to stay home and watch a TV show."

Okay, that's pathetic. And then TONIGHT of course we have the reunion of The Real Housewives, which I cannot miss. Why does God present me with these struggles?

So I was really just writing to say I had to go cause I have to get to Raleigh, but I'm glad you could be here for this special occasion. EIGHTY-SIX EPISODES of the Sopranos. Dying. Dying then getting cut to pieces in a bathtub and put in a bowling bag. Which is only funny if you watched the Sopranos.

CRAP!

June's stupid life · Pieces of Wisdom

Pieces of Wisdom–June detoxes. Sort of.

Halfandhalf
Crap.

Yesterday I asked all y'all to give me some advice on how to switch to decaf, even though caffeine is the best best best thing in the whole wide world and why would anyone want to live without it?

Maybe migraines aren't that bad. What say you?

So yesterday Edsel and I headed out to Starbucks (Talu was at day care. Did I mention my dog day care gave Talu 10 free visits after they learned I got laid off? How wonderful is that place? Dog Days Greensboro, y'all. For all your petsitting needs), where I used the two gift cards my Aunt Mary sent me. Aunt Mary does not drink coffee, to which I say, "?" yet she got two Starbucks gift cards at Christmas from various people at her job or whatever.

I bought these two giant bags of coffee, and they said, "Do you want a complimentary coffee with that? You get complimentary coffee when you buy two pounds of beans." So I got coffee and it told me how nice I looked, and today I put the most minuscule amount of decaf in my filter.

Say, is that caffeine in your filter or are you just happy to see me?

You had all kinds of suggestions for me, including doing it slowly, which is what Ima do. There was also go cold turkey (hello), drink tea, take No-Doz, and drink water (I liked the person who suggested I become a "water addict." I cannot think of anything more depressing than being addicted to water. Oh, wait, yes I can think of something more depressing. My doctor said, "Just drink a cup of hot water in the morning, with lemon.") (He currently has an orchard of lemons sticking out his hind end.)

(Do lemons come in an orchard?)

So, thanks for your help, and it is good to know others have done this. No one has less willpower than me, but still.

In other news:

Bunniesaredelish
Oh I love to eat them bunnies/Bunnies what I love to eat/nibble on they giant ears/crunch they thumpy feet.

I apologize to B. Kliban for stealing his mouse song.

Who loves him his bunny food?

Who also loves the bunny food and wishes he had an irritated bowel? Is it Edsel? He has actually had the NERVE to get on the angry chair and try to hop up and eat him some canned bunny. He gets his German arse kicked every time he tries, but you have to kind of admire his sheer will.

Eveileye
I mean, Francis is, like, the best friend of the devil or something. Look at his glowy evil eyeballs. There's no way I would mess with his bunny food.

Do you think the devil really has a best friend? Do they curl each other's hair and make prank phone calls to the Pope? Would you ever really trust his advice?

"Get the perm! It'll be so cute!"

"Yeah, but, really? Are you being, you know, the devil right now?"

Heavens, I need a hobby.

June's stupid life · Pieces of Wisdom

June and her delicate brain, part deux

I returned to the headache clinic this morning, as I have not seen the headache docor who diagnosed me with a "delicate brain" since May. Because I was in that study of the experimental migraine medicine, I always saw the nurse. The head nurse, as it were. Get it?

Bah.

My brain may be delicate, but it is HILARIOUS in that bone-china-and-butterflies cranium.

Anyway, we upped the everyday thing I take to abate my delightful migraines, and also I finally consented to get nerve blocks, a thing I resisted before.

And no matter what you do, please give me unsolicited medical advice.

Before I got there, I had to fill out some paperwork, saying how many migraines I get a month (about seven) (had one last night) (my life is FUN), what I take for them (heroin), and my … um … caffeine intake.

Remember last time? When he told me to give up coffee?

Yeah.

"June, if you really want to make a difference in your headaches, you have GOT to get off caffeine," old Marquis de Sade told me.

"I KNOW!" I moaned, "you have no idea how addicted I am! I really tried last time and I could NOT!"

He seemed unimpressed with this info.

You guys, I used to drink wine. EVERY DAY. I'd get home from work, pour me a big old glass. I drank about half a bottle of wine a night, then on weekends I'd drink a whole bottle on Friday and again on Saturday.

I told myself this was too much alcohol, so I'd try to limit myself. I had these wine glasses? They had an etching of Michigan on them? Because I'm classy? And I'd tell myself, I will only pour wine up to Traverse City. That is all I will drink tonight.

MI
Then I'd pour wine way up past the upper peninsula and drink all that, and revisit the U.P. a second time.  In Michigan we call the upper peninsula the "U.P." We are crazy with the abbreviations that way.

Finally I figured out I had to get help to stop drinking, so I did. But guess what? There is not a caffeine anonymous.

So here is today's Pieces of Wisdom question. How the Sam Holy Hill do I quit you, Juan Valdez? HOW DO I DO IT???

I've got a caffeinated monkey on my back.

 

Hair · June's stupid life

June gets vinegar-y

A few days ago, I mentioned that I had a bunny in college. My friend Dottie was kind enough to email me a photo of that lovely time of my life.

Roxanne
Let's talk.

First off, how did I not puncture poor waving Roxanne with those nails? What was going on, there? Did I have a part-time job unscrewing things with those nails? Was I digging grout out of something?

And I KNOW I thought I was cute with that hair. I thought I was the shizz.

Also too, a few years ago I just strolled right into my old dorm. No one suspected the part where I am a total freshman-loving perv and I was not stopped. I walked right up to 273, my old room, and two girls were in there with the door open, and their small TV was in exactly the same place Liz and I had our TV in 1984. Killed me.

Neither of them had my hairdo, though.

While I'm on the subject of Dottie, which I vaguely was, the kitten she found is still in need of a nice home. Dot lives in Michigan.

Adoptmepleez
"i sweet. i good wif Dot's other catz. i not mind her heeug dog. i weigh four. mostly i fur. wish you could hear ant joone's squeekee kitty voice she has in her hed while she write this."

So that's that.

Finally, I wanted to let you know I drove all the way to Raleigh yesterday to buy a latte. As you do.

There's a Norman Rockwell exhibit in Raleigh, and I am sorry I like Normal Rockwell. I know this makes me vanilla, and middle-of-the-road, and uncool and I am supposed to be road tripping to see Kandinsky or something, but Norman Rockwell makes me happy.

Marvin had his usual Sunday band ridiculous practice, and sometimes I'd like to email the other wives to see if it irks the CRAP out of them that their husbands take off in the middle of EVERY Sunday for band practice. So the point is I went alone.

I go to Norman Rockwell alone. Yeah-ah with nobody else. You know when I go to Norman alone, I prefer to be by myself.

You can take me out of Michigan…

So on the way, I notice there was a Captain D's at one of the exits. Oh, I love me some Captain D's. It is kind of like Long John Silver, with the fried fish and the friend hush puppies and the fried fried bits at the bottom of your tray. Oh!

Naturally, I made a detour, because fish is brain food.

"Y'all want vinegar with that?" they asked me at the drive-thru. Of COURSE I want vinegar with that. The fried fried bits at the bottom are DELISH with vinegar on them.

Can you guess what happened? CAN YOU GUESS? Who spilled vinegar all over herself, then forgot there was a packet of spilled vinegar all over again so she dipped her coat AND PHONE in the vinegar 10 minutes later, and I just kept thinking when I got to the museum people would have thought I'd stopped off at the Festival of Douches or something.

"My, that woman must have quit her job getting grout out and gone on to professionally dye Easter eggs."

The point is, the museum was packed. PACKED. And you could not find parking and I have to go to Raleigh later this week again for my hair appointment (Ima bring in that Roxanne photo and ask her to revamp that hair look. What say you?), so I bagged the whole plan. I will go during the week. I stopped off and got a latte and drove back home.

At least I was fresh as a spring breeze. A spring malty breeze.

Okay, I'm off. Today Ima clean the house with my Martha Stewart how-to-clean-your-house book, so by the time Marvin gets home I should be completely bitchy. It's a good thing.

I am berserk · June's stupid life · Los Angeles · Marvin

Soon found out, had a tabletop of glass

When Marvin and I met, you know, the second time–not when we first dated in college but when we got back together in the '90s–he lived in LA and I lived in Seattle.

We had a long-distance relationship for about, oh, three months before we said screw it, I'm moving to LA. He had the better job. I was a receptionist and also a professional wino.

So, armed with a case of wine, I moved to LA to an apartment he found for us. Really, if you think about it, it was the fanciest rental we ever had. Marvin went for things like modern and clean and two bathrooms and a balcony, whereas once I got there and took over, from then on we had to live in places with "character" which of course means old.

The point of my story is, he had already decorated the living room and dining room, and he did a great job. I was sort of surprised. But he had done all this cool sort of midcentury modern stuff, and put funny things on the fireplace, and it was cute! Okay, he also had license plates in the living room, which after a year of being polite I finally vetoed, just so you don't think all this time I have been married to a gay man and I am wondering when we will finally consummate the marriage or something.

Marvin has better visual skills than I do. So yesterday we got home from a riveting day at Best Buy, and I was all set to watch the Bee Gees documentary I had purchased there, when Marvin started prying the glass off the coffee table.

"What ARRRRE you doing?" I asked, emphasizing the "arrrrrre" as my grandmother used to do when she'd catch me putting her bra on outside my shirt, or climbing on her counters, or giggling at her Tucks Medicated Pads.

I swear that woman had 86 hooks on her bra. It took FOREVER to hook them all up. I remember taking the time to do so, however, so I could parade into the living room where my very cool Uncle Jim and his similarly cool friends could see me.

I entered the room like Madonna before her time.

There was a silence as all the cool crowd looked at me.

"June is retarded," said Uncle Jim, resuming his guitar strumming.

Anyway, so Marvin pried the glass off the coffee table, which I guess is preferable to him putting on my bra.

Marvindecorates
He started putting things from around our house in the table. We have a lot of things around our house. Have I mentioned we are not minimalists?

Matmatmatpatpatpat
He put in our cursive flash cards. What do you mean you don't have any of those? I thought they were universal, with olive oil and Vicks.

Greensboro Pictures of people we don't know, a fan my mother sent me because it has a dog, and look! We are back to having a license plate in the living room.

Monopoly
Our old Monopoly game. We have THREE Monopoly games, including the fancy millennium edition that has computers and Labs instead of cars and terriers.

Weknowyounot Pages from a photo album of people we don't know. In case you are just tuning in, Marvin and I collect pictures of people we don't know. Someone is supposedly making a documentary about us, along with others who have this weird hobby, but it is taking forever to get the movie finished.

Here is the link to the trailer about yours truly. Note the part where the guy makes me sound crazy as I place flowers on the grave of a stranger. How is that crazy? I'M NOT CRAZY!

Anyway, I like what Marv did to the table. You know what would be cool? Is if we could put water in there and have fish! Because we need more pets.

Plus also, does everyone want to chip in and buy us a huge TV like they have at Best Buy? Because as much as I mocked those, now I totally want one. During the Golden Globes last week? Our TV screen kept showing scenes from "Ulesqu" instead of Burlesque. They have started making things wider. Including my arse. A bigger TV would totally slim down my arse.

Have I mentioned I am not crazy? Would you like to see my gramma's bra? I'm wearing it outside my robe.

June's stupid life · My pets

And eight animal posts is enough to fill our lives with boredom. Also? We spend our days like bright and shiny new dimes.

Wouldn't this be relaxing?

Relaxingbfast
Trying to eat while huge rabid beasts begrudge your every bite? Not to mention having the phone recharger dangling in your Festa di Fantista.

I know this blog has been all-pets-all-the-time, live-nude-pets, but I got a call from the vet yesterday, and it turns out Francis' irritated bowel is more irritated than we thought. He has ANEMIA, the poor thing. So the vet said we could not just go with Fancy Feast; I had to schlep on out to the local pet supply store and buy canned rabbit for my cat.

Canned rabbit. And by the way, it's made by Dick Van Patten, this food, which is just weird because I just MENTIONED him yesterday. Also, Beverly Sills totally works at the store.  "That'll be $200.99!" she bellowed, breaking glass.

Honest engine, you guys, this CANNED RABBIT (I wish I could tell you how bad it creeps me out to be feeding a bunny to my cat) is TWO DOLLARS AND FORTY-NINE CENTS A CAN.

So that means Francis gets his own bowl of food, and now Henry and Winston have to eat over here on the counter and get rid of all the Fancy Feast I bought, and note I am using one of our real plates because I have no other cat dishes, and I have become the lady with the crystal top-heavy dish.

ting ting ting!

I love rabbits. I had my own rabbit in college–a big white bunny named Roxanne. Now I am FEEDING her to my cat.

Anyway. I also have to drive out to the country, gonna eat a lot of peaches, and I wish I'd get on stupid song tangents a little more today, and at any rate I have to pick up some steroids for Fran as well. He told me he wants to bulk up a little after this, get him some womenses. He also asked if I'd sign him up for a few tanning booth sessions.

The Frantuation.

Can you smell what The Fran is eating?

In other news, ridiculous Edsel is home, and I am supposed to be keeping him quiet.

….!

He is a six-month-old puppy. Who is supposed to be being sedate and quiet. FOR TWO WEEKS.

Did I mention …! ?

He seems fine.When he saw me down the hall at the vet, he started an endless whine, and peed the entire hallway. Follow the yellow brick road, indeed.

He peed all the way to the counter where I was, peed on the vet tech's hand, peed on my arm and peed on his own paw. The whole time he said, "mmmmmmmmmmmmm!" in a voice higher than Beverly Sills'. I guess he was glad to see me and to get the HELL out of that castrating hellhole.

They gave him a painkiller that they said was kind of like aspirin, but to call if I felt he needed something stronger. They called to check on him today and I said yeah, let's go to the oxycontin or whatever because he does check his stitches out more than I'd like. So I will be taking a road trip to get TWO prescriptions and I am starting to feel like Elvis' assistant.

I will do comment of the week tomorrow, because believe it or not I have had no time to read all the comments to decide. I have been too busy boiling bunnies.

I won't be IGNORED, Francis.

Health · I am berserk · June's stupid life

June shoots saline up her nose holes. Makes you want to read on, doesn’t it?

Yesterday, between my 75 vet appointments, I also called my beleaguered doctor.

"Dr. OverMe? It's June."

"Yes, June. What is it?" sighed Dr. OverMe. She failed to add the "now," but it was implied.

"Will you call me in a prescription for a Z-Pack? I know I have a sinus infection. I am absolutely positive."

Seeing as I have called her to say I am absolutely positive I have yellow fever, leukemia, chronic fatigue syndrome, foot cancer, sickle cell anemia, fleas, and female-pattern balding, she told me I needed to come in first.

Whatever with that quack. Girlfriend just wants her $25 co-pay. I know my body.

"There are all kinds of things going around right now, June," said Dr. OverMe. "It could be something else, and not an infection."

"Well, if there's a lot going around, the last thing I want to do is hang out in a DOCTOR'S office," I said. Do you think Dr. OverMe has a June voodoo doll at home? Probably not, as that would give me more symptoms and more reason to call.

In the end, she suggested I get some nasal saline spray and if I didn't feel better to call her Monday to come in. So yesterday when I was out purchasing the Fancy Feast, which by the way I do not think I can bring myself to say "Fancy Feast" every day. It's just such a stupid name, and do you really think of it as "fancy"?

They need to totally remarket their brand to appeal to pretentious people such as myself. They could make the same crap, put it in a highfalutin' package, and call it…call it…Elegant Edibles. Or Festa di Fantasia. That's "Fancy Feast" in Italian. I would totally fall for imported cat food.

Is Fancy Feast the commercial where that idiot serves the purebred-looking cat his food in the crystal dish? And she "ting-ting-ting"s the dish for that overbred, royal-family, cost-a-fortune-while-10,000-puppies-and-kittens-are-killed-in-shelters-EVERY-DAY cat runs out?

And before you and your Himalayan get offended, I had a Persian who was lovely. I would just never purchase a cat now that I know that about shelters.

The point is, who would be dumb enough to serve a cat in a crystal dish? Especially a top-heavy one. Henry would eat his food and knock that thing over on a daily basis, just for kicks. Every day you'd hear a crash like he was a Russian doing a shot then POOM! into the fireplace with the glass.

How in the name of all that is holy did I get off on that tangent?

THE POINT IS, I got me some nasal saline spray, which I didn't even know you could get, and it was $1.77 but the good news is I accidentally shoplifted it because the woman at the pharmacy put it in the bag with my prescription that I also picked up, and forgot to add it.

Hi, Target Steve. I owe your corporation $1.77.

I have sprayed it in my nose holes twice now, and let me tell you what.

I feel 987 times better. I am almost completely well! It's a miracle. A $1.77-but-actually-shoplifted miracle.

So that's my nostril news. In a few hours I can pick up Edsel/Eden. I called last night to check on him, and the tech came back to the phone and said, "I just went in there myself and he stood up and wagged his tail at me and smiled. He is doing just great."

My tough Eden. She also mentioned Edsel was singing a few Beverly Sills tunes, but we aren't sure why.

Beverly Sills. So you enjoy my current references? Dick Van Patten called. Wants 1977 back.

Okay, I guess that is all, except I need all my hoity-toiti readers who serve their pets Festa di Fantasia and also watch The Real Housewives to discuss last night's season finale. Oh! I totally knew Kim was an alkie. I knew the first time I looked at her. I hate to say it takes one to know one, but I had alcoholic-dar. Totally. I would sniff knowingly but saline might come out.

Okay, bye.

June's stupid life · My pets

Nine lives, all of them crappy

Fran is gonna live, it looks like. Did you ever read that article in The Onion, Cat Refuses to Die? That is so my cranky-arse cat.

The vet is pretty sure he has an irritated bowel, which makes sense because the rest of him is irritated on a regular basis. She said for years, vets said dry food was best, and now they are discovering wet food is much better for the kidneys, digestive system, etc. She said FANCY FEAST is the best canned because it has the highest protein so they won't eat too much.

She mentioned he really needs to, ahem, slim down a little. So he weighs 20. That's not so bad, is it? If he were a Puma.

Anyway, she took his evil blood and if there is anything more serious we will know tomorrow. I just got 24 cans of Fancy ridiculous Feast for $11 at Target.

Also too? I totally wish we could sedate Fran every day. He was a delight when he was knocked out! So purry and floppy and happy!

And I am not a terrible mom or anything.

Kingfrannie
I did not take Floppy Fran and turn him into The King of All Blogdia.

Kukukachoo
Nor did I stick licorice in his mouf to make him be The FranMan. He is the FranMan. He is the Walrus. Koo Koo Ka Chu.

Blackie
Fran is much too sophisticated for this treatment. He's Blackie O, after all.

Anyway, he is awake now and eating his Fancee Feest and just waiting to get back at me. I am so glad he will be around to hate us for many more years.

Oh, and I got a message from the vet. "Mrs. Garnnndens? Just calling to let you know Eden is doing fine."

That didn't make me nervous at all. I will pick him up tomorrow and they will have turned him into a cat.

Or added Neuticals.

Health · June's stupid life · My pets

I heer

EffU
"i fyne. eff off."

Francis is still among us. I mean, as much as he ever was. The vet is coming tomorrow morning, and all day yesterday he did not barf nor mow. This annoyed me. I was all, I'm paying $11,000 to have a house call, plus the $4,900 where they have to sedate your giant tuxedo tabby arse, and now you're WELL?

But then today he did the mowing again so that's a relief. It's a relief he's still sick. Am I a good pet parent, or what?

My Frannie. I spent a lot of yesterday sitting with him and rubbing his head as he likes. Every once in awhile a dog would come see what I was up to, notice Fran on me, say, "Oh sheeyte" and leave. They NEVER mess with Francis. Ever.

In other pet news, because what's more riveting than a blog about my pets all the time, Edsel attended his first manners class last night. Today he is out with his calling card, paying very appropriate visits to the neighborhood in his morning suit.

Unsure
I was really worried we couldn't even go IN, he was barking at the other dogs like such a maniac. But once I got him quiet, we stepped into that room and he was all, "holee carp! dogz scaree!" Here he is while we were waiting for class to begin. He spent most of that time under my legs, looking unsure.

But guess what! Guess who was a model pupil and citizen! He got EVERY LESSON right, and whenever the instructor came to us, she'd say, "Perfect! That's perfect!" He sat, he looked at me when I said his name, he did heel position, and to tell you the truth, when we got to "stay" he was so exhausted that he just laid down. He was in REM before we pulled out the parking lot of that place.

I told the woman next to me, who has Ginger, a doxie puppy, that my other dog is a terrier. "Ohhhh," she said sympathetically. It's just so exciting to have a dog who, you know, minds.

Edsel's reward for his stellar behavior is that tomorrow morning he has to have his…well…he will be reading Balzac, if you know what I'm saying to you. He will be taking Cinderella to the ball. He will be singing great balls of fire. He will remain neutral on the situation.

If you're picking up what I'm throwing down.

He will be half the man he used to be. He will be singing soprano. Shooting blanks.

Wouldn't it be sad if someone actually didn't get what was happening tomorrow?

Anyway, finally, since I seem to be rambling about pets today, Faithful Reader Juice has a cute dog, and I sent her Edsel's collar that he outgrew in a week, and it is a Martha Stewart collar which was not a good thing, because I paid 11 million dollars for it, which you'll notice is more than a vet house call, and then a week later it was moot.

I am glad Chloe looks so cute in it. I totally stole this photo and caption from Juice's blog and hope she does not sue me. After buying that collar and paying to have Fran sedated, I am tapped out.

Dis my new collar from Joon Gardins.
Does she rock that collar, or what?
And how Tallulah-looking is Chloe?
Okay, that is all the pet news for today.
Oh!
008 (2)
And I am getting better, coldwise.
June's stupid life · My pets

Trouble, oh trouble…

I was gonna do a Pieces of Wisdom about what is your favorite picture of yourself, but I feel too crappy to dig my favorite pictures–yes plural–out.

Also, I am worried about Francis. He keeps having blood in his stool, not that he has his own footstool. I was trying to be all Grace Kelly and not say poop.

Plus also too not to mention, he has thrown up for days on end and now he keeps sitting back in his room crying. Not like sobbing into his pillow, but "mow mow mow mow mow."

I know you are all, "Take him to the vet" but I literally can't. He WILL NOT go in his crate; I mean I cannot get him in there. That is how scary he is. And strong. And claw-y. Plus, he has been banned from the vet for being nutty, remember? He's a big, mean, feral cat. With giant claws.

Poor Francis. Old sickle and hood Marvin said, "Maybe this is Francis' time" but gee whiz. He is still eating and purring, right? Sure, he barfs it back up but at least he wants to eat!

Crap. Stool. What Ima do?

Current Affairs · Health · June's stupid life

And the award for most dramatic cold goes to…

I have a cold
In the immortal words of Martin Luther King, "IIIII have a cold."

You know it's bad when I do not care if my socks match. The beige one on the right, there, is left over from when I had a giant polyp removed from my girly bits. It has that plastic tracking stuff on the bottom. The sock. Not my girly bits.

How attracted to me are you right now? Although I have to tell you, if you have some kind of fetish for Froggy from The Little Rascals? I am your gal today. I sound good. And feminine.

I did take time out from coughing to watch the ridiculous Golden Globes, and everyone needs to calm down. I thought Ricky Gervais was funny.

Also? I liked how they kept playing the same three notes of The Social Network theme song. How dramatic. I have decided to use The Social Network theme song to enhance all of my declarative sentences.

Okay, just play the first 21 seconds of it, until they get to those three piano notes, while you read the paragraph below.


 

I have a cold today, as I am the type of person who gets colds. I do not think it is the flu, as I had a flu shot this year. However, I am coughing. And I am also sniffling. I have taken Robitussin to alleviate my symptoms. I also put Vicks on. To make matters worse, I have a deadline on my statistics book. It's due today. I must read the last chapter. Then I must run the whole 39 chapters, individually, through spell check. Afterwards, I have to search for anomalies, such as words that are hyphenated that don't need to be. It will be an arduous task that must be done before 6 p.m.

Wasn't all of that mundane info 10 times more dramatic with those piano notes? I want three haunting piano notes ALL OF THE TIME.

Oh, and also, I would like an orchestra behind me to play out any of my friends who talk too long.

I have a friend, and I will not name names, who is the WORST STORYTELLER. This person always gives you way too much extraneous information, and does that horrid thing, "Wait, I should back up and tell you…"

Dear Bad Storytellers of the World: No one EVER wants you to back up and give more info.

The Bad Storytelling Friend also does my very very very least-favorite thing.

BAD STORYTELLER: So she said to me, do you know why I hate to wear red gloves? And I said, No, why?

Dear Bad Storytellers of the World: No one needs to hear that you said, "No, why?" It is not germane to the story. Just stampede to the part where the person hates to wear red gloves because they remind of her lobster claws.

For the record, I have never really heard a story about anyone hating to wear red gloves.

The point is, next time Bad Storytelling Friend starts of of those stories, after 15 seconds, Ima get this going:


 

"Oh, I'm sorry, BST, your time is up." clap clap clap. Commercial.

Am now waiting for every friend I have in real life to email me. "Am I the bad storyteller?" Except the actual Bad Storyteller will say, "Ohmygod, I was reading your blog? At work? Wait, let me back up…"

Anyway, that is all I have to say about the Golden Globes except that I continue to detest Angelina Jolie. She sucked all the life out of Brad Pitt. He is a shadow of himself. And would it KILL her to crack a SMILE? Also, who is convincing Annette Benning that that is a hep hairdo? It's like how my friend Libby and I used to style this really unpopular girl's hair in homeroom every morning? And we'd make it look super stupid just to make her life more miserable. And we'd say, "No! It's really cute!"

Wait, let me back up…

Faithful Readers · Friends · June's stupid life

Don’t get too attached to me

Oh my shattered arse, I am dying. Can you get pneumonia overnight? And I have 97 hours of proofreading to do. Yesterday I worked from 10 a.m. until midnight or one in the morning. I had a dream that I got a new job, and they set one of those rotating book displays in front of me, like they have for paperbacks at the drug store? And they told me I had to proofread all the books in two and a half hours. I woke up all sweaty.

Nevertheless, I have dragged myself out of my iron lung to ask if anyone in Michigan wants a kitten!

My friend Dottie, who has 854445930459 cats already, had this little kitten come running out to her in a driveway. He only weighs four pounds and he was covered in sticks. Dot thinks he has been outside a long time, but has definitely been around people because he is a sweet cat.

Her husband has put the kibosh on their 79th cat, here, so she has to find him a home. The vet guesses he is six months old. Not that the vet thinks he himself is six months old, he thinks the CAT is six months old.

Kitty
Dot says she knows he looks HUGE in this photo, but it is ALL FUR.

Mow
Here he is mowin'. "Take me home! I be a good kitten!"

So if you're in Michigan and you can provide a GOOD HOME for him, let me know. Dot will deliver. Because she is ridiculous that way.

Okay, off to attempt to breathe in without coughing for once.

Family · Health · June's stupid life

I got a fever, and the only cure is…more cowbell.

I don't want to worry you sick, but I have a fever of 99.3. I know! In fact, I am not even sure if I am actually up typing this right now. I am kind of delirious.

I called my cousin Katie, who is a nurse, as I thought she should know this pertinent health information.

"Ninety-nine point three?" she said. "June, I think you'll live."

You know, what is the POINT of her getting a nursing degree if she is unwilling to take the raging fevers of her relatives seriously? It could be Lassa Fever, but does she care?

Anyway. I told you I was gonna tell you the "Aunt Katie, are you a lesbian?" story, and since "Aunt" Katie refuses to fly in and care for me in my feverish hour of need, I will tell you that story today.

Katie's sister Maria–who is similarly my cousin, coincidentally–has a daughter named Annalese. I am quite fond of Anna, because she reminds me of myself. And see, that is why I am a horrid person. I mean, maybe it's the fever talking, but what kind of person likes a child only because they remind one of oneself?

Still. I do. She is an only child, like me, and she is the only grandchild on one side, as I am. Naturally, this leads her to have a whole, "TAAA-DAAA! Here I am!" attitude when she walks into a room.

Orangeanna
See? Totally something I would have done at a breakfast. Okay, "would have done" may be less than honest. I was pissed she thought of it first on this day, and I was 39.

Anna
Also, she has my "too much hair" issue, but on her it's lovely and she can pull it off. My whole life, my too much hair issue has just made me look insane.

So, Anna's mom, Maria, is kind of a glamour puss. She wears heels, and dresses, and always has her makeup all perfect and what do you do with a problem like Maria? She is hot. There is no debate.

Now, Katie, my other cousin, is beautiful, but she is not a high-heel kind of a gal. She and her husband always live out in the wild, and do things like snowshoe to work. Me too.

Katieandme
Here is Katie and her granola self visiting me in LA a few years back.

So, believe it or not, everyone was getting ready for my Uncle Jim's funeral, of all things, and Anna walked into the bathroom where everyone was primping.

"FABULOUUUUUS!" she sang out, looking at her mom. "FABULOUSSSSSSS!" she exclaimed, looking at her grandma. "FAAAAAABULOUSSSS!" she said, peering at herself and gettin' all Carson Kressley.

Then she looked over my cousin Katie's pants and sweater ensemble.

"…NORMAL!" she sang.

A few days later, Katie and Anna were in the car. "Aunt Katie? Are you a lesbian?" she asked, not knowing that this would be something I would delight over and ask my cousin Katie every time we talked for the rest of our lives.

"No, Anna, you know I'm married," said Katie.

There was a pause. "It's okay to be gay," Anna instructed Katie. I think it was sensitive of her to try to help her come out like this. Maybe she could work at some crisis line somewhere.

"I KNOW it's okay to be gay," said Katie, "but I'm NOT gay. I'm married to Uncle Jason."

"Well…you kind of dress like a lesbian," Anna offered.

See. When Marvin's grandmother died? I did not know what I was gonna do about having an absolute top-of-the-heap favorite relative. Who was gonna beat a 93-year-old, two-foot-tall woman with flaming red hair who told you whatever impolite thing came into her head?

Grammasophie
Thank heavens for Mr. Blackwell, there, of Saginaw, Michigan. With one ludicrous conversation, I have a new favorite relative.

Also, is it inappropriate to send a 10-year-old episodes of The L Word? Cause girlfriend needs to expand her repitoire of what a lesbian looks like. They don't ALL wear Birkenstocks and plaid shirts, like my cousin Katie. Maybe I should just forward the child a few articles about Linday Lohan. Would that work?

Comment of the week goes to my similarly-Birkenstock-wearing-but-also-not-a-lesbian friend Hometown HorseLady. I loved her description of why she loves winter, even though I can't imagine loving winter.

Talk to you later, if I can bring this fever down.

 

I am berserk · June's stupid life

Many things. Because one thing I am is linear.

1) Whenever I see a headline about that poor Gifford woman who got shot in Tuscon, I immediately think they are talking about Frank Gifford. "Gifford's Breathing Tube to be Removed," I'll see, and I'm all, "WHAT HAPPENED TO FRANK GIFFORD?"

Like I'm so into Frank Gifford. The only thing I know about him is he cheated on Kathy Lee, which right there made me like him.

Anyway, hep is what I am. Frank Gifford. 1989 called.

ii) Since he was a puppy (I am off Frank Gifford now. I do not think Frank Gifford was ever a puppy), Edsel has let Tallulah bully him. Once my Pal from MA sent me two chewy dog toys and Talu immediately put them in her lips and placed them in the middle of the bed, where teensy Edsel could not get to them. That's all she did–just put them where he couldn't reach, then walk away.

Anyway, the other day, Tallulah found a stuffed elephant on our walk, and who knows where it came from and I have had all sorts of terrible thoughts about how it's been up someone's butt and now my dog is chewing it.

And see, that's how you know something's wrong with me. Why in any situation on planet Earth would that stuffed elephant toy have been up someone's butt? Have you ever heard of anyone doing such a thing? And yet there is where my mind went immediately, as if I were pulling my own plush toy out my rectum as we speak.

The POINT is that Edsel had a tug-of-war with Tallulah over the toy, and I was proud of him. He lost, but still. He is standing up to her more and I think that is good because she is pure evil when it comes to being selfish with that puppy. That puppy who is now bigger than her. Still.

Trois) I'm not going to any Charlotte today. First of all, we already talked $$ and they wanted to pay me a pittance. And it was a temp-to-hire thing and it was TWO HOURS AWAY. The more I thought about it, and considered how much actually good-paying work I have been getting, I was all, why?

So I called the recruiter lady twice. As you know, the first time she talked me into going. But hours later I called her back and she was REALLY MEAN to me. Before that she had been all jokey and nice, and she got cold very fast. She is in New York, so I didn't take it that personally.

And I know we're not supposed to talk about money, but how much do you think I make an hour? I am just curious about what people think. I have 14 years of experience and remember I am in North Carolina, not LA or unfriendly NY.

////) I'm getting a cold. Irritating. And I know now you'll be up all night worrying about me.

How can I be getting a COLD when I have been a shut-in due to the storm? I mean, other than going to the Bodies exhibit that was teeming with museum-goers, and also to orientation where I shook hands with 8040349282104 people.

My throat hurts and I am a little achy. I had Marvin put Vicks on me, which he immediately turned into a move. I am sorry. He has seen my chestal region 9 million times now. Is it really that thrilling to see it with Vicks smeared on it? Well. Plus I had the stuffed elephant up my bum. You know how that gets his motor runnin'.

FIN) And a P.S. to my highly intellectual fellow watchers of The Real Housewives of Beverly ridiculous Hills. I actually felt sorry for Camille last night. And I thought Kelsey was sober. There he was, sucking down the champagne with everyone else. Nice.

I know the rest of you could not know what the above paragraph meant, because it is extremely high-falutin' complex smart-people stuff. Sorry to be so lofty.

Okay, off to ache somewhere. (Faithful Reader Jessica, are you brave enough to risk getting a cold? I got us snacks for our big date!)

June's stupid life · Proofreading/Copy editing

Everyone resents Marvin, and June becomes a lesbian trophy wife

Tallulah is so.totally.over. Marvin and his snow days.

Overit

"make dadee go."

We are on DAY FOUR of Marvin not having to work, and the roads are FINE. You have never met a wimpier place than the South.

Anyway, Marvin is forever cuddling Talu, and speaking to her in a high, squeaky voice, and it is hilarious how every time he starts this behavior, she gets up and leaves. She could have been on the couch with me for the last two hours, but as soon as Marvin squeaks, "HI, TALU!" fa-flump. Off she goes.

Talu is kind of aloof. I mean, with Marvin. I just tell him she's an aloof dog, and do not reveal how she lies on me all day, and looks at me and sighs, and sleeps with her head on my neck all night.

Anyway. In other pressing news, I am so IRRITATED. Do you remember how I had to take a drug test for a potential job recently? Well, obviously I passed, because I studied hard, and how often am I gonna make that joke? The point is, the job is freelance-to-hire, and it's in frigging CHARLOTTE, which is more than an hour away.

When I knew for sure I was gonna get this other freelance job that I orientated for yesterday, I called the Charlotte place, as I am scheduled to drive there tomorrow to do some paperwork. I told them I had another opportunity more locally, and they TALKED ME IN to coming there anyway.

"This could lead to full-time work," they said. "Just come finish the paperwork."

Crap. So now I have to go there tomorrow. But fret not, Faithful Reader Jessica, we are still on for tomorrow night.

Yes, I have a date with FR Jessica. Did I fail to mention I'm a lesbian now?

I might have to become a lesbian, if Marvin keeps drinking fruit juice and eating chicken-fried rice and continuing to lose more weight than me. I have lost about three pounds, and he has lost five or six. "I'm really not doing much," he said. "Just THINKING about losing weight has helped me lose."

See. That just makes me want to quit men. In a stop-shaving-my-legs, join-an-all-womyn-commune, start-saying-"HERstory" way.

I'd better go back to proofreading my nursing book. Could I be any busier? So far while reading this book, I have worried about ever having to endure a cesarean birth, gotten HIV, had terminal cancer, and proofread TURKISH. I am not kidding. There was some TURKISH in there. You have to compare one document to another to make sure they typed it all in right, and there are those funny letters like the "s" with the squiggle under it, and the "u" with the polka dots.

Again, why am I not a trophy wife? Do lesbians have trophy wives? I guess they do. See Portia DeRossi. Is it too late for me to be a lesbian trophy wife? Some lesbian out there tell me. I cannot play softball to save my life. Does this disqualify me altogether?

Okay, later.

Your lesbian friend,

June