Number 49, number 49, number 49…

Seventeen seconds before I had to be out the door for my interview, I realized my black pants were COVERED in cat fur from the knees down. It was like I had on Ugg boots.

My pants hang in the closet on one of those pants-hanger things, with the different levels, like this:

Hanger 
and having just Googled "pants hangers," I had no idea the plethora of hangers there are in the world. Wow! I have been limited in my hangy-uppy knowledge.

The POINT is, Winston likes to sleep in the back of the closet right under that hanger, as was evident from my mohair pants. You have no idea how desperately I was rolling and taping and plucking in there at the last minute yesterday. Good God.

Other than that, I think it went well. How do you know? I interviewed with two people and I was there for an hour. It would only be a sometime thing, like they'd call me when it got busy or whatever.

Did I tell you I got this interview because of one of my coworkers at my last job? She got laid off too. She was the one who made those owl cookies, if anyone is paying really close attention to every detail of my life. Anyway, she got a job there doing something else, not copy editing, but she found out they were looking for someone and gave them my resume. Owl-cookie girl. My hero. (ine.)

I am up early today because I have to go to the dentist. I really know how to pack a lot of living into a week, don't I? It's just a cleaning, but whenever they do a cleaning, the dentist comes in after and prods around and says scary things like, "Hmm. Eileen, write down number 16. Oh. Mmmm! And number 49."

I realize I do not have a tooth number 49. I am part shark, did I fail to mention that?

Anyway, he always tells me about stuff I should take care of before it gets bad and I always say yeah, okay, then never do anything about it except have this neverending feeling of doom that eventually numbers 16 and 49 are gonna go apeshit in my mouth parts one day.

Which really dampens my shark activities.

Finally, Marvin and I attended our first night of manners classes last night. Because we are rude. We interrupted constantly and spit food all over the instructor.

And we will NOT write a thank-you note.

No. We went for Edsel. He is attending manners classes because his elocution leaves something to be desired. Anyway, they had us all come without our dogs for the first class. They were talking about collars and heeling and the instructor said, "I don't usually recommend pinch collars for dogs who pull, unless you have some kind of impossible hound or terrier."

Marvin and I exchanged doomed glances. What is Tallulah? A hound (Beagle) and a terrier (Pit Bull). And we fly behind her like kites when we walk.

Anyway, the instructor had one of those dogs who just sits under her and watches her every move, and the only way either of my dogs would be that interested in me is if I were made of steak. That damn brainwashed dog did everything. He was over there straightening the instructor's hair with a Chi by the end of class.

So I will be interested in bringing that calm, dignified Edsel next week. And we are thinking that Tallulah, who is a proud graduate of PetSmart puppy class of '08, may come back next semester for her own manners class. Because she is no Petey, the wonder dog from last night. I can tell you.

The best part is, as we were leaving, I said to Marvin, "Now, I remember the first three homework assignments, but what was the last one?"

"….I have no CLUE," said Marvin.

Marvin never pays attention to anything. I do not know what goes on with him when we are at events where he must sit and watch things. My friend David used to have readings of his books in LA, and Marvin would go and get this far-away look in his eye, and who knows where he wanders off to?

When Marvin was a kid, he got kicked out of storytime at the library because he would get up and wander around. I can totally tell he is getting up and wandering around in his mind whenever we are at any kind of lecture. How did he get two college degrees?

Fortunately, our homework was in the 030#483&21437349 reams of paper they gave us at class.

Okay, on to get told I have miserable gums and need $80,000 worth of root canals.

59 thoughts on “Number 49, number 49, number 49…

  1. My Moron twins need to learn to do something besides their new thing which is burrow into the burr bushes and hang out in them until they look like they have more burrs than fur. I seriously think these two think up stuff to keep me from having a life. I wish they were handy with the blow dryer, that’s for sure.
    And June, I feel for you. We have three kids who all used to go to the same school, so at open house we would divide and conquer which was totally worthless. I would ask my husband what the teacher talked about and he would say, “I have no idea.” Because he’s a great dad like that.
    And my dentist does the same thing with my mouth and his mysterious number bingo calling. He makes up for it though with his total hotness.

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  2. I didn’t realize that Winston was a closet cat. I say, we all pull together and begin encouraging Winston to come out. In this day and age, being out of the closet is applauded. We will love dear Winston for the cat that he is.
    I hate the dentist. Mainly because I hate getting my mouth prodded and drilled. Just sayin’.

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  3. The instructor is Petey’s pack leader, dog pack not boy scout, though Petey sounds like the perfect boy scout, was he wearing a cloth tie?
    Anywho, you are trying to be Edsel’s friend and not his leader…you must bite across his nose to show him you are boss and growl. Manners schmanners. A shark mouth will help.
    Oh, peshaw, you all know I am kidding , right? About the biting anyway.

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  4. The dentist. Lovely. Ever since I watched one of those investigative shows about dental water lines being full of bacteria I bring my own bottle of water to rinse with. Yeah, I get the you’re a dork look from the staff, but the only thing I ever used my regurgitated spit or another’s spit for was to shine my boots in the army.
    Then the technician or dentist with an intimidating sharp instrument headed for your mouth asks you to let them know if you feel any pain as they poke around. Duh. They might as well use a 12 penny nail! Also. Lest we forget that half of those professionals ramming that spear into your mouth graduated in the bottom half of their class. Lovely.
    Dentures. Now see I could live with mailing dentures in every six months for a check-up..hmm.

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  5. PJ who would like to really let herself go and JUST ONCE beg for something and have someone cave in and give it to her because she is just so darned ADORABLE! says:

    Ya, those dog classes kill me. I took my adorable little 8 lb. white fuzzy guy whirling dervish to one of those farces and the instructor only demonstrated new commands to the big ole docile half-asleep dogs and never to mine who was looking EVERYWHERE but at HER. I wanted to see her try it with mine JUST ONCE. Show your stuff, Smart Ass Docile Dog Trainer! I quit after 4 lessons because I couldn’t stand the humiliation and came home and just loved the stuffing out of my whirling squirrel chasing barking at whatever moves doggie. Cuz I’m like a goody-two shoes in real life and he’s my fabulous inner self let loose in the world. Like in REAL LIFE I would NEVER talk in ALL CAPS or say SMART ASS. Cuz I’m boring like that.

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  6. PJ who would like to really let herself go and JUST ONCE beg for something and have someone cave in and give it to her because she is just so darned ADORABLE! says:

    And we will not write a thank you note. Bah ha ha. Like, I’d love to have that much NERVE!

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  7. I’m sure Edsel will be brilliant in class. And the other owners will be too busy being pulled around by their own hounds and terriers to notice if he is doing the same to you.
    It was amazing to me how a few weeks of classes once a week could make such a huge difference to my own unruly puller.

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  8. PJ who would like to really let herself go and JUST ONCE beg for something and have someone cave in and give it to her because she is just so darned ADORABLE! says:

    And another thing! I was at work once day with my sticky roller thing rolling a pound of fur off my black wool slacks and I said (in a VERY humorous tone of voice, I might add) “Is there a law against pet owners wearing black?” And this tight-ass*d co-worker sniffed in a totally NOT humorous tone of voice, “Only the law of COMMON SENSE.” Like she’d never shared her pillow with snoring dog or had the cat lick the barbeque sauce off her face.

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  9. Bah! I love the dentist. For reals. When I was a kid, the next door neighbor was a dentist and he would pack up his two boys and my brother and me and we’d go make dentures with him on Saturdays. I was about one or two. It was fun.
    Got me started off right. I only have one filling. The dentist we have now just shakes his head and asks Terra why he married a woman who wouldn’t make him any money.
    Now Terra? Had AWFUL problems when we first got together. I made him change his program and now his check ups are as good as mine! Seriously. No problems for the last seven years or so. And he was getting root canals and bridges every other Tuesday.
    Do what the dentist tells you, June!

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  10. My wheaten terrier (may she rest in peace) got kicked out of obedience class. The instructor said she would give us private lessons, but we couldn’t come back to class because she was such a distraction to the other dogs “who were eager to learn”. We never went back.

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  11. My wheaten terrier (may she rest in peace) got kicked out of obedience class. The instructor said she would give us private lessons, but we couldn’t come back to class because she was such a distraction to the other dogs “who were eager to learn”. We never went back.

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  12. My wheaten terrier (may she rest in peace) got kicked out of obedience class. The instructor said she would give us private lessons, but we couldn’t come back to class because she was such a distraction to the other dogs “who were eager to learn”. We never went back.

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  13. Every dog has there own special way of learning, just like kids. You can have a group of kindergartners and there are one or two that just don’t get it. Bless there little hearts.
    Flying like kites behind her…killed me.

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  14. My girls would need the short bus to pick them up for doggie school.
    They are hypoallergenic imbeciles, though, so no dog hair.
    My dentist is a dead ringer for Armand Assante, when Armand Assante was about 38. He’s also very gentle and he tells me I have more saliva than any of his other patients, which is a good thing he says. The bacteria doesn’t have time to settle in due to my constant state of drool.

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  15. Laurie-
    You’re an anti-dentite. You’re a RABID ANTI-DENTITE! Oh, it starts with a few jokes…”Hey! Denti!” Next thing you’ll be saying they should have their own schools!
    And seriously? Half graduated in the bottom of their class? Um, couldn’t you say that about any of us?
    Dog manners class…

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  16. Laurie-
    You’re an anti-dentite. You’re a RABID ANTI-DENTITE! Oh, it starts with a few jokes…”Hey! Denti!” Next thing you’ll be saying they should have their own schools!
    And seriously? Half graduated in the bottom of their class? Um, couldn’t you say that about any of us?
    Dog manners class…

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  17. Laurie-
    You’re an anti-dentite. You’re a RABID ANTI-DENTITE! Oh, it starts with a few jokes…”Hey! Denti!” Next thing you’ll be saying they should have their own schools!
    And seriously? Half graduated in the bottom of their class? Um, couldn’t you say that about any of us?
    Dog manners class…

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  18. “And we will NOT write a thank-you note.” HA!!
    Junie, you have totally out-done yourself today. Visual images of the hair-straightening dog, you and Marvin flying like kites behind the galloping Tallulah, and your dentist. Who by the by, is played by Steve Martin in my head. (Just like in Little Shop of Horrors)

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  19. Took both of my pups to three, yes, three obedience classes. During the sessions, my little one sucked, she had no interest or use for them and kept trying to escape out of the door and go to the car. She was such a non-participant they tested her for neurological disorders only to discover she is just ridiculously stubborn. On the other hand, my mastiff was the superstar. Even without a lead did all the tricks perfect- for anyone! The minute we got home he would morph into his regular “I have no skills” self. We’d do our homework and he’d stare at me as if he had no idea what I was instructing him to do, literally sign in disgust and walk away. So glad we spent that money.

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  20. I’m imagining your dentist office as a bingo parlour now. I have to admit, it’s awesome and terrifying for me at the same time…
    “We’ve got a I16… and a G49” The dentist looked into the crowd hopefully.
    “Bingo!” The raisin-skined octogenarian sprung from her seat and immediately shrieked as her shin bone, weakened by osteoperosis, snapped and she fell to the floor in agony.
    The dentist looked back at June. “You arent a doctor are you?”

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  21. I’ve told this story before, I think, about the dentist – who, by all accounts was VERY good looking: think Barry Gibb with a bit of extra weight and not as tall. I was a mere wisp of a thing, 24 years old and I was in total agony, as one of my root canals had failed and was all gross. I will spare the details.
    Well, after working on my teeth for a couple weeks and getting right up IN MY GRILL with NO ASSISTANT in the room, he planted a big kiss right on my numb mouth. Not so romantic, but MAN! I thought it was very bold of him right there in his office and all…
    Anywho, he took me to lunch a couple times and then even a dinner and dancing date. I found out a few days later HE WAS MARRIED.
    Married. He sort of left that out of the conversation over the entire month we had been seeing each other. NIce guy, right?
    He DEFINITELY could have used some manners lessons. Creepo!
    Lastly, congrats Hulkie! Your team did good!

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  22. We all just had a round with a new dentist here. We were all assigned the female dentist. My son’s appointment was first and as I was waiting the male dentist sticks thick glossy dark head of hair out the door, smiles, and I heard a ding as the light reflected off his pearly white lumineers. I was like holy crap, why didn’t we get him! No no, we get the dumpy old lady that tells 3 of us that we are grinding our teeth and should think about a mouth guard. Then, they didn’t even clean hubbys teeth. He’s back there today. I asked him why they didn’t clean them then. His answer? I don’t know. He too has the I don’t listen nor ask question gene.

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  23. LauraL, who now says "We talked about this; you just weren't paying attention - as usual," regardless of whether we actually did or not. Heh. says:

    Furry, I’m in the same boat: Never had a cavity in my almost-40 years, but husband’s teeth are apparently made of super-thin glass that cracks and shatters and gets eaten away by NOTHING. So I tell the dentist that we balance each other out as far as his fees are concerned.
    and June? My also-a-teacher husband does the same as Marvin in the not-paying-attention realm. In childbirth classes, he was actually looking around, sighing and doing a crossword puzzle. As the instructor nattered on about “comfort words” and such, I leaned over and told him my “comfort words” would be his tortured screams of pain as I ripped chunks of his flesh off the bone because he didn’t know what the eff he was doing because HE PAID NO ATTENTION IN CLASS.
    That got me about 4 minutes of focus.

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  24. Hulk-
    That was a funny Seinfeld bite, or is it byte.
    I’m a bit of a snob when it comes to medical/dental procedures. After having suffered a MAJOR medical mishap (and continue with complications from a routine procedure)(no, I didn’t sue, crap happens) I’m now more inclined to question the educational background along with performance history of all providers I seek care from. I’m now my own best advocate.

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  25. Edsel will be great in manners class and might even teach Talullah a thing. Or not. But at least one well mannered dog in the house will be a plus. Now to get the cats out of the closet….

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  26. We have a similar Jaildog program here. The founder of our rescue group teamed up with the county Sheriff to start Operation Second Chance. The dogs in the program are pulled from the euthanasia line at Animal Control and placed with carefully screened inmates at the county jail. The inmates (with the help of volunteer dog trainers) teach the dogs basic commands, leash behavior, and housetraining. The dogs live in the cell with their assigned inmates. When the dogs reach the desired level, they are available for adoption. Dogs are saved, and the inmates learned valuable skills, as well getting a boost in the self-esteem dept. Since the inception last March, over 40 dogs have been adopted. It’s a beautiful thing for all involved.

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  27. I have a friend who went to the same dentist for 10 years. After he passed away, she switched and found out she had TWELVE cavities! The old doctor wasn’t checking very well. That was one hefty dentist bill.

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  28. I have a friend who went to the same dentist for 10 years. After he passed away, she switched and found out she had TWELVE cavities! The old doctor wasn’t checking very well. That was one hefty dentist bill.

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  29. I have a friend who went to the same dentist for 10 years. After he passed away, she switched and found out she had TWELVE cavities! The old doctor wasn’t checking very well. That was one hefty dentist bill.

    Like

  30. PJ who would like to really let herself go and JUST ONCE beg for something and have someone cave in and give it to her because she is just so darned ADORABLE! says:

    Caesar Peasar. After I gave up in humiliation from the group dog training classes I hired a private dog trainer. Came to the house, is what he did. Little fuzzy white guy performed like a trained seal for 1 1/2 private le$$on$. Then he had that trainer’s number and spit in his eye and did whatever he wanted for another le$$on and a half. Remember Caesar only SHOWS the good parts. I’ve trained a few dogs in my day…not this one. He’s for loving only.

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  31. Hey twelve: I get him to floss in the morning, use Plax, brush and use a flouride rinse like Act. I also try to get him to do the last bits three times a day, but he usually manages two which is working out fine.
    It’s nothing special really. Just more steps. He’s really happy with the results. 😀

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  32. Did you get the mouth cancer screening done? My dentist is like Doogie Howser and is all but 12 years old – while I elected to get the screening I was worried about what if I did have mouth cancer. Because apparently you swish the special magic mouth cancer cell seeking gel stuff around and they look in your mouth with this CSI light thingie and they can tell right then and there. And I was worried my young dentist wouldn’t know how to break it to me that I had the mouth cancer, or tongue cancer or tongue n cheek cancer. He assured me he has had to break it to patients before if they have the cancer but still. What happened to the good old days when you could have a cancer and then get tested and wait weeks for results whilst wringing your hands and such. I don’t think I like the whole immediate results thing at all. The end. *curtsy*

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  33. When my doctor asked me if I wanted to test for mouth cancer, I said, “Okayyyy.” Just like that. Because I would pretty much say okayyyy to anything he asked. I did not, for the record, have mouth cancer.
    Also, yes. I never notice the drool until it’s halfway out of my mouth because that’s how much of a flood I have in my mouth at all times.

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  34. Tammi V.V. - the rain in spain stays mainly in the plain, but the rain in Oregon all seems to fall on me. says:

    I’m sure Edsel’s elocution problems are just a result of his adorable underbite. He needs orthodontia, not manners classes. 😉

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  35. My new dentist (we MOVED, remember?) didn’t find any new work to be done because I am a flossing MANIAC. (Really. It’s a sickness.) BUT he found old fillings that need to be replaced with new, or with crowns, to the tune of $7500. Ca-ching. Which reminds me, I have to cancel the appointment I made to have ALL the work done at once (because I am an IDIOT). I think I’ll just have things replaced as the current work falls out in my soup.

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  36. My new dentist (we MOVED, remember?) didn’t find any new work to be done because I am a flossing MANIAC. (Really. It’s a sickness.) BUT he found old fillings that need to be replaced with new, or with crowns, to the tune of $7500. Ca-ching. Which reminds me, I have to cancel the appointment I made to have ALL the work done at once (because I am an IDIOT). I think I’ll just have things replaced as the current work falls out in my soup.

    Like

  37. My new dentist (we MOVED, remember?) didn’t find any new work to be done because I am a flossing MANIAC. (Really. It’s a sickness.) BUT he found old fillings that need to be replaced with new, or with crowns, to the tune of $7500. Ca-ching. Which reminds me, I have to cancel the appointment I made to have ALL the work done at once (because I am an IDIOT). I think I’ll just have things replaced as the current work falls out in my soup.

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  38. You are all cracking me up today! Oh PJ, your fluffy whirlwind sounds so cute!
    The right trainer is very hard to find. I was completely discouraged when my shelter dog was kicked out of his first set of lessons. Little dogs were allowed to yap away but his big deep barks – the exact same behaviour – were too distracting. Also she wanted us to PUSH him into a down and PULL him back into a heel position. 56kg girl with 50 kg dog failed.
    Luckily found a magical clicker trainer with a magical class (which is cheaper too!) and my dog is now an angel. Apart from squirrels.
    I think there are too many crap trainers that can make a living off of training easy dogs, it’s not really worth their time to deal with dogs who don’t respond to their one single method.

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  39. We saw a dog the other day laying perfectly still outside of a store, staring intently at the door waiting for his people. We tried everything to get his attention – nothing. I could not have been more amazed if he had started speaking Swahili. When his owners emerged he became a normal dog again. HOW DO PEOPLE ACCOMPLISH THIS MIRACLE?? My dogs would wander – or bolt – at the drop of a hat… Or anything else for that matter. Unruly hounds.

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  40. PJ who always had nice well mannered big dogs who were full of love and discovered little dogs contain just as much love. says:

    Lisa, I’ve had dogs and then I’ve had DOGS. Fuzzy little white guy has a screw loose we think. Sort of like Francis. But unlike Francis (from what I read) his love screw (Boy does that sound bad or what?) is securely attached and he couldn’t be sweeter to us, or more devoted. We just don’t subject him to anyone else.
    Had a dog like the one you describe once. Just once. It was partly training but he had the single minded devotion and patience screw really cranked down tight. Still miss him.

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