Fred

Is nothing sacred?

Insill
This is where the cats are supposed to perch, not the dogs. Plus, I love his "What'd I say?" piano-playing feets.

He was being more than bad. And pianistic. He was being a tattle-tale. I was in the kitchen and he was trying to alert me that terrible things were happening in the sacred cat room.

Everyonesbad
SOMEONE, and my guess is Winston, believe it or not, knocked over the cat food. I don't think Edsel would have told had Talu not been curling her lip satanically every time Edsel tried to join in on the eating of the prey. Pack animal indeed.

Poor Henry is trying to guard his empty dish. "go on, odsell. sometime fud grow in here."

Anyway.

Yesterday, Marvin and I went to the Bodies exhibit, speaking of prey. Have you seen this thing?

Halfthemaniusedtobe It's real humans, all dead and dried out and kind of plasticized. You get to see just everything: brains, livers, the circulatory system, dangling man parts. It was at once totally disgusting and fascinating.

Supposedly, everyone in the exhibit had donated their body to science, although they also had fetuses and Marvin asked, "When did THEY sign the consent form, exactly?" The whole thing was disturbing. I kept thinking, What if one of MY relatives were on display in this thing? Still, as I said, totally riveting.

It was exciting to see spleens, as I do not have one. Ditto the dangling man parts. Although I feel sorry for the Chinese women of the world, as all the bodies were Chinese men. Or Chinamen, as Marvin's politically correct grandmother would say about every Asian person.

I am just saying. There wasn't much to write home about.

"Dear Mom. Saw the dangling man parts of Chinese men. This will be a small letter. Love, June."

After that, believe it or not, we went for some gelato, because you can see how that would lead to craving gelato, and then to the world's most pretentious grocery store. They play classical music and have three-dollar bottles of water. Have you seen this new bottled water called Fred? The bottle is shaped like a pint. Nice. Fred. The water for upscale homeless people.

Bottled-water-pic9 Who is their demographic, exactly? Pretentious people who think if your $800 bottled water is called Fred that you are all ironic and not a tool? Guess again, Fred drinkers.

That said, I kind of wanted to buy one, because the bottle is cool-shaped. Am I a hammer or a chainsaw, do you think? Or just one of those crude caveman tools, like a big rock or something?

Finally, and this is very exciting and I hope you are holding on to your hat, I am going to plant a climbing rose today. I know! I have been waiting for months, because for the zone I live in, which is the danger zone and I've taken the highway to it, you plant your climbing roses in January.

Everyrosehasitsthorn
Isn't it lovely? Isn't it wonderful? We went to the garden place, and Marvin was all, "It's dead!" Someone has no vision. It is HIBERNATING. I have to soak it for a few hours, then I plant its ass and in the spring, it'll look like this:

  Newdawn
Won't that be lovely? Marvin will eat.his.words. I just have to watch it and water it with a little Fred and it'll be loverly.

So that is all that is happening over yonder.

Looking forward to the inevitable cleanup of cat-food barf later today.

Your friend and mine,

June

 

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Author: June

At one point, I was sort of hot, in a "she's 27 and probably a 7" kind of a way. Now I'm old and have to develop a charming personality. Guess how that's going.

72 thoughts on “Fred”

  1. June, I had to clean up cat barf after I stepped in it this morning. Love the pictures..would love to be a fly on the wall at your house with all the animal activity. I have seen the ads for the dead body exhibit…too gross for me but the dangly parts might get my attention. I have faith that you will bring that rose bush around..as long as you have Edsel talk to it wif his teefs….I can. not. handle his adorable underbite.

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  2. You have no spleen? Is that for reelz or metaphorically speaking? What did I miss?
    Your climber will indeed be bee-yoo-tee-ful. You will surely enjoy it come spring. If The Cancer doesn’t get you first, that is.
    Happy Sunday!

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  3. Edsel: So, ehh, what kind of beer do you have on draught?

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  4. Edsel: So, ehh, what kind of beer do you have on draught?

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  5. Edsel: So, ehh, what kind of beer do you have on draught?

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  6. I think they’re a fantastic idea. I didn’t go even when the Gunther van Hagens one was in the UK since I spend at least one afternoon a week dissecting cadavers but I think everybody should have a chance to see what all the human organs look like and how…awesomely it all fits together.
    But I also need to mention my family’s all medical-professiony in one way or another and my dad’s already made me promise if they preserve any of his organs in a museum or whatever I need to take photos so I can tell future generations about it. And my sister wanted to see her appendix when it was removed and was offended it had been thrown out as a biowaste.

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  7. That rose bush is going to be beautiful! Make sure you give it lots of Fred.
    I love the action and drama you captured in your photo. You should work for the Time/Life people.
    Edsel might be a tattletale, but he is the cutest stool pigeon of all time!
    The Bodies came to our town, too. It was great fun to take a pack of 6th graders on a field trip, especially with all the boys cackling about the wieners.

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  8. Is that a Climbing New Dawn rose, by any chance? That one has been on my wish list for years.
    Good to hear all of those bodies were Chinese males. Because you know how rigorous China is with ensuring human rights. Quite unique.

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  9. Well. Asian men have never been on my To Do List but at least now we know why you’re “hungry” again an hour later.

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  10. Well. Asian men have never been on my To Do List but at least now we know why you’re “hungry” again an hour later.

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  11. Well. Asian men have never been on my To Do List but at least now we know why you’re “hungry” again an hour later.

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  12. Oh Paula, you are as funny as June today.
    Junie, I laughed at every single thing today. You were quite the comedian today. And there are pictures!
    The photo of Edsel makes my day. All toofs and ears. Boys thoses pawses are getting big!

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  13. Paula H&B – killing me!!
    And, just so you know, dear, roses can be persnickety, so don’t take it personally if they do not turn out like that gorgeous picture up there! Hopefully you’ll put it in a place with lots of warm sun (6-7 hours a day). Good soil drainage, too – you may want to amend the soil with some good compost when you plant your new baby.
    Sorry. Can’t resist the tips. I’m DYING for something to do that is garden-related right now. We are under a blanket of DING and also DANG snow, so I’m afraid my gardening days are far, far away.
    Dang.
    I love that Edsel is a tattletale. “Mom, MOM! Big hare!! Big tings hapun in cat room! Talu eat all da fud! Look! Edsul good boy. Can haz cat fud now, pleez?”

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  14. PJ who is still in her jammies and bathrobe under the downy at 11:45 AM because it is 16 fucki*g degrees out there and she is delicate and genteel that way. And NOT getting up until somebody delivers either some more degrees or some bigger ones. And not says:

    June, Your Pal from MA, all the rest of you twisted sisters (and brothers) you are HOT today! I needed those laughs and you served them up on the half shell.
    …all pianistic. Howled!
    Saw the plasticized people when they toured here. Like passing a bad accident: can’t bear to look, can’t look away.
    New Dawn is excellent. So is Lady Banks. Put that on your wish list if you haven’t already.
    3-5″ of snow headed here, too. Will shut down the city. I used to think that was stupid. Now I love love love it. So genteel and gracious and cowardly.
    And the activity in The Sacred Cat Room. Thank you Edsel baby for letting us all in on it. Maybe Big Hair will give you some Fred instead of that nasty old city tap water.

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  15. PJ who is still in her jammies and bathrobe under the downy at 11:45 AM because it is 16 fucki*g degrees out there and she is delicate and genteel that way. And NOT getting up until somebody delivers either some more degrees or some bigger ones. And not says:

    June, Your Pal from MA, all the rest of you twisted sisters (and brothers) you are HOT today! I needed those laughs and you served them up on the half shell.
    …all pianistic. Howled!
    Saw the plasticized people when they toured here. Like passing a bad accident: can’t bear to look, can’t look away.
    New Dawn is excellent. So is Lady Banks. Put that on your wish list if you haven’t already.
    3-5″ of snow headed here, too. Will shut down the city. I used to think that was stupid. Now I love love love it. So genteel and gracious and cowardly.
    And the activity in The Sacred Cat Room. Thank you Edsel baby for letting us all in on it. Maybe Big Hair will give you some Fred instead of that nasty old city tap water.

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  16. PJ who is still in her jammies and bathrobe under the downy at 11:45 AM because it is 16 fucki*g degrees out there and she is delicate and genteel that way. And NOT getting up until somebody delivers either some more degrees or some bigger ones. And not says:

    June, Your Pal from MA, all the rest of you twisted sisters (and brothers) you are HOT today! I needed those laughs and you served them up on the half shell.
    …all pianistic. Howled!
    Saw the plasticized people when they toured here. Like passing a bad accident: can’t bear to look, can’t look away.
    New Dawn is excellent. So is Lady Banks. Put that on your wish list if you haven’t already.
    3-5″ of snow headed here, too. Will shut down the city. I used to think that was stupid. Now I love love love it. So genteel and gracious and cowardly.
    And the activity in The Sacred Cat Room. Thank you Edsel baby for letting us all in on it. Maybe Big Hair will give you some Fred instead of that nasty old city tap water.

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  17. PJ who is still in her jammies and bathrobe under the downy at 11:45 AM because it is 16 fucki*g degrees out there and she is delicate and genteel that way. And NOT getting up until somebody delivers either some more degrees or some bigger ones. And not says:

    Sometimes fud grow in here. Bwha ha ha. That’s what my family thinks. 3 times a day fud just grow in here.

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  18. PJ who is still in her jammies and bathrobe under the downy at 11:45 AM because it is 16 fucki*g degrees out there and she is delicate and genteel that way. And NOT getting up until somebody delivers either some more degrees or some bigger ones. And not says:

    Sometimes fud grow in here. Bwha ha ha. That’s what my family thinks. 3 times a day fud just grow in here.

    Like

  19. PJ who is still in her jammies and bathrobe under the downy at 11:45 AM because it is 16 fucki*g degrees out there and she is delicate and genteel that way. And NOT getting up until somebody delivers either some more degrees or some bigger ones. And not says:

    Sometimes fud grow in here. Bwha ha ha. That’s what my family thinks. 3 times a day fud just grow in here.

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  20. I missed seeing the dead Chinamen when they were touring here. The scuttlebut I heard was that these guys all came directly from some big Chinese prison. And even though they signed papers saying “why yes, you can have my body” there wasn’t really a lot of choice in the matter. I do wish I had seen them.
    Edsel is only tattling because he is the baby. He still has strong ties to you. When he is older Tallulah might let him join in the fun.

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  21. I missed seeing the dead Chinamen when they were touring here. The scuttlebut I heard was that these guys all came directly from some big Chinese prison. And even though they signed papers saying “why yes, you can have my body” there wasn’t really a lot of choice in the matter. I do wish I had seen them.
    Edsel is only tattling because he is the baby. He still has strong ties to you. When he is older Tallulah might let him join in the fun.

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  22. I missed seeing the dead Chinamen when they were touring here. The scuttlebut I heard was that these guys all came directly from some big Chinese prison. And even though they signed papers saying “why yes, you can have my body” there wasn’t really a lot of choice in the matter. I do wish I had seen them.
    Edsel is only tattling because he is the baby. He still has strong ties to you. When he is older Tallulah might let him join in the fun.

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  23. Don’t mind being called a whore as long as you remember I’ve got the culture, too…and you pay me.
    BTW, roses love cow manure. If you can, go out and buy a bag of Black Kow composted cow manure (and swallow the irritation that they had to spell cow wrong). After you plant the rose, use the Black Kow as a mulch, at least an inch deep all around the top of the hole. If you can’t find B.K., any brand of composted cow manure should work. Avoid cat & dog manure. Not the same thing at all.

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  24. We had planned to see the bodies exhibit, but when I read that they were from prisoners who most likely did not have a choice, we did not go.
    Hope the dog barf is confined to easily cleaned areas. Good thing Edsel was a stool pidgeon or Talu would have been really sick had she finished all of that. How much do you think Talu paid Winston to knock over the cat food?
    May your roses looks as beautiful as the photo.

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  25. Haha! Edsel is being all Ray Charles-ish!
    Stevie Wonder rose bush. Hehe.
    I remember the body slices at the Museum of Science and Industry. Went there on a field trip in grade school. That kinda thing sticks in yer mind.

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  26. Paula! You crack me up!
    Roses like the potassium, June. About once every 4-6 weeks, just take a banana peel and dig up a little dirt around the base of your rose and slap that peel down in there. Cover it up with the dirt and water her. She’ll love you for it and reward you greatly.
    I’ve always gotten the feeling that the Chinawomen of the world are no-sexers. They just look as if they could care less about the sex. I guess I would be a no-sexer if my only option was an itty-bitty penie.

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  27. Oh the bodies on display are disturbing! I don’t think I would go look at that. Seems like an invasion of privacy. And I am not one to think dangling man parts are worth the looking at.
    But the piano playing Edsel was a delight to look at today. Thanks for that.

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  28. Kenny Loggins and Stevie Wonder, nice pairing. Plus the what’d I say guy. And so glad you are communing with that whore, surely she would tell you if the beautiful climber would be compromised after being planted just prior to an ICE STORM.

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  29. Kenny Loggins and Stevie Wonder, nice pairing. Plus the what’d I say guy. And so glad you are communing with that whore, surely she would tell you if the beautiful climber would be compromised after being planted just prior to an ICE STORM.

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  30. Kenny Loggins and Stevie Wonder, nice pairing. Plus the what’d I say guy. And so glad you are communing with that whore, surely she would tell you if the beautiful climber would be compromised after being planted just prior to an ICE STORM.

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  31. Maybe the China Men were just cold, you know not wearing clothes in a drafty museum.

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  32. Maybe the China Men were just cold, you know not wearing clothes in a drafty museum.

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  33. Maybe the China Men were just cold, you know not wearing clothes in a drafty museum.

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  34. I think you can throw your coffee ground around your roses too. Or is that egg shells? They really do love the poo though. My dad had the greenest thumb and he used horse poo from a neighboring farm. It must be ripened poo as fresh poo will burn. That is why the bag stuff is so convenient. Already ripened. Love those roses. Do you have an arbor for it to climb?
    Fred water? I would think it would have a more uppity name like Lars.

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  35. I gotta believe Chinese men are growers, not show-ers. And I totally had to Google the lyrics to confirm that I have been singing Danger Zone all wrong all these years (*red face*), not that anyone has heard me in my car. The things you learn here!

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  36. I Binged Fred:
    Fred comes from Alpine Springs, which is a mountain spring located in Livingston Manor, New York.
    Super low in TDS and a superior rating for nitrates gives Fred his smooth, epicurean characteristic. Also unique to Fred is his charismatic personality and refusal to be defined simply by his chemistry or the geological strata.
    Fred is different. He’s dimensional. He’s engaging and clever. Fred loves meeting people and hanging out and has an ergonomic shape that makes him easy to hold and convenient to carry. Some call Fred “the total package”. Fred, however, prefers “friend”.
    Nicely positioned as an engaging and accessible premium water brand, Fred even has his own MySpace page and blog with fan videos.
    600 ml bottles, 20 for $30. (Smaller and larger available)

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  37. This whore isn’t too worried about the ice storm hurting the rose…it’s dormant now, which protects it from stuff like that. Plus it’s so cold out today I kinda doubt June’s actually going to get out there and dig a hole, much less get Marvin to do it for her.

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  38. Thanks, Ms. Spelling, I am now the wiser, and relieved for The Climber. I have many more questions for you, but I know you are June’s whore. Think I will go dormant for protection as well, it is SO COLD!

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  39. Thanks, Ms. Spelling, I am now the wiser, and relieved for The Climber. I have many more questions for you, but I know you are June’s whore. Think I will go dormant for protection as well, it is SO COLD!

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  40. Thanks, Ms. Spelling, I am now the wiser, and relieved for The Climber. I have many more questions for you, but I know you are June’s whore. Think I will go dormant for protection as well, it is SO COLD!

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  41. I laughed out loud several times reading this. It was a little embarrassing. Water will always be known as Fred starting today.

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  42. Is it just me or does it look like your HCR (hibernating climbing rose) look like it’s trying to flip the switch?

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  43. PJ who needs to get to the point more quickly because she write so much in this space that her best line gets cut off. says:

    Good gosh, June! You’d think you were flipping PREGNANT with that rose the way you are getting all smothered with unsolicited advice. Next thing you know somebody will be telling you to put a hat on the damn thing cuz it’s cold outside. People are helpful that way.

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  44. I started off my day cleaning up dog puke. It was sticks and leaves, though, rather than cat food. Not that that hasn’t happened recently too.
    As a fellow dog guardian, I know you must know how lucky it was that Edsel alerted you to the smorgasbord of injustice taking place in the next room. Or else you would’ve been taking that Lu right to the emergency vet. Dogs! They just don’t know when to stop.
    I’m so glad I read this, because otherwise I’m certain I would’ve gone to my grave without ever knowing there was a water named Fred.

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  45. PJ , I wondered what the rest of your line was? Must be a cut off on character numbers in that box, like texting, I guess.
    June, love the rose bush. Your Edsel is sure he ordered his burger rare.
    I really was going to donate my body to science, second thoughts a bit now. Is there a form for that?

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  46. Queen Stella! That cracked me up! Fred is self-deprecating! Bah!
    I have the New Dawns by my fountain in the back and they grow soooooo fast that it will absolutely look like that photo by June. And they’re no fuss. Like Fred.
    I went to the morgue for the first time when I was nine. The coroner was eating a cheese sandwich with mayonnaise on white bread at his desk between a male and female suspended in tubes of formaldehyde. Naked preserved people always remind me of that. So, I will pass.

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  47. Queen Stella! That cracked me up! Fred is self-deprecating! Bah!
    I have the New Dawns by my fountain in the back and they grow soooooo fast that it will absolutely look like that photo by June. And they’re no fuss. Like Fred.
    I went to the morgue for the first time when I was nine. The coroner was eating a cheese sandwich with mayonnaise on white bread at his desk between a male and female suspended in tubes of formaldehyde. Naked preserved people always remind me of that. So, I will pass.

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  48. Queen Stella! That cracked me up! Fred is self-deprecating! Bah!
    I have the New Dawns by my fountain in the back and they grow soooooo fast that it will absolutely look like that photo by June. And they’re no fuss. Like Fred.
    I went to the morgue for the first time when I was nine. The coroner was eating a cheese sandwich with mayonnaise on white bread at his desk between a male and female suspended in tubes of formaldehyde. Naked preserved people always remind me of that. So, I will pass.

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  49. Sadie will worry about that plant all night now in addition to worrying about all of the snow and ice possibly heading our way. says:

    Furry, why were you visiting a morgue at the tender age of nine? I would still be having nightmares if it were me.
    Faithful reader Sue, your comment about the light switch made me check out the HCR photo again. Sure enough, it looks like the plant in Little Shop of Horrors. Now, I’m really worried about the Gardens and their furry family.

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  50. I totally thought the plant was switching on the light too!
    Would a Fred bottle fit in a regular car cupholder? Because if it doesn’t I won’t buy it. Not like I would anyways, but that’s besides the point.

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  51. Well, it’s a good thing you baby dog tattled on those juvenile delinquents to avoid large amounts of barf and poop.
    I’m so glad we never made it to the Body Exhibit while it was in Atlanta.
    That fancy water? Hodges would be a high class name rather than Fred. My dearly departed coworker had a dog named Fred, so I just don’t think of uppity water as being Fred.

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  52. Since Hulk does not appear to be here to bring it up, I guess I’ll have to. Shrinkage! It’s shrinkage!

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  53. Amish Annie, always amused by funny pet antics even though a pair of ornery kitty cats in her household are thisclose to being renamed "Two Cats For Sale" after their antic this weekend says:

    If Talu would have shared the spoils with her brother, Edsel wouldn’t have had to go all “Triple A Security Company” on her and the cats. Although mug shots of the offenders would have been so darn cute!

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  54. Amish Annie, always amused by funny pet antics even though a pair of ornery kitty cats in her household are thisclose to being renamed "Two Cats For Sale" after their antic this weekend says:

    If Talu would have shared the spoils with her brother, Edsel wouldn’t have had to go all “Triple A Security Company” on her and the cats. Although mug shots of the offenders would have been so darn cute!

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  55. Amish Annie, always amused by funny pet antics even though a pair of ornery kitty cats in her household are thisclose to being renamed "Two Cats For Sale" after their antic this weekend says:

    If Talu would have shared the spoils with her brother, Edsel wouldn’t have had to go all “Triple A Security Company” on her and the cats. Although mug shots of the offenders would have been so darn cute!

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  56. Winter is also an ideal time to get pruning out of the way. However, make sure that you do not prune any flowering trees or shrubs that get early spring blooms. In many cases the buds that will bloom in the spring have already formed, or the plants may only bloom on old wood. For azalea, forsythia, lilac, rhododendron, weigela, viburnum, and others, you must wait until just after they have bloomed before you can prune them. Winter is also the perfect time to prune fruit trees. Get out in the yard and take advantage of a sunny winter day to get your shrubs and trees pruned before spring.

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  57. June, you know I’m totally gettin me some of that Fred! If it doesn’t fit in my cupholder, I’ll just slip it in my garter belt. Hey, do you think Don Draper would use that as a tagline for a Fred campaign? GENIUS & UNIQUE!

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  58. I went to that exhibit yesterday! It was kind of creepy but cool. The fetuses were extremely disturbing to me. I didn’t really think about how they were real bodies except when I’d see their faces or fingenails or toenails. Then I’d get kind of creeped out again. And I giggled wrinkly breast & vagina (can I write that in the comments?) because I have the maturity of a 12 year old about that kind of stuff.
    Took a 5 year old. Not sure that was a good idea. We tried to act like it wasn’t freaky so she wouldn’t be scared, but she still didn’t like it very much.

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  59. Yeah, there were a lot of kids at that thing, and I wondered if it would freak kids out. On the other hand, it is really educational, you know? So maybe it was good to take her. Whatever you do, take parenting advice from me.

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  60. I am going to this exhibit tomorrow…do we by chance live in the same city? Are there several bodies exhibits? And in my city, some lawyer wants to keep the bodies here, and bury them.
    Its a pretty water bottle though, I would be inclined to keep it. I bought water today by 80 degrees north and its also a pretty bottle, so I’m keeping it.

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  61. I wanted to see the Bodies exhibit when it came to Pittsburgh, but no one would go with me! Totally jealous that you got to go! I’ve been fascinated by the whole process since I read Stiff by Mary Roach. (Awesome book, not for the squeamish, though!)

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