I got a fever, and the only cure is…more cowbell.

I don't want to worry you sick, but I have a fever of 99.3. I know! In fact, I am not even sure if I am actually up typing this right now. I am kind of delirious.

I called my cousin Katie, who is a nurse, as I thought she should know this pertinent health information.

"Ninety-nine point three?" she said. "June, I think you'll live."

You know, what is the POINT of her getting a nursing degree if she is unwilling to take the raging fevers of her relatives seriously? It could be Lassa Fever, but does she care?

Anyway. I told you I was gonna tell you the "Aunt Katie, are you a lesbian?" story, and since "Aunt" Katie refuses to fly in and care for me in my feverish hour of need, I will tell you that story today.

Katie's sister Maria–who is similarly my cousin, coincidentally–has a daughter named Annalese. I am quite fond of Anna, because she reminds me of myself. And see, that is why I am a horrid person. I mean, maybe it's the fever talking, but what kind of person likes a child only because they remind one of oneself?

Still. I do. She is an only child, like me, and she is the only grandchild on one side, as I am. Naturally, this leads her to have a whole, "TAAA-DAAA! Here I am!" attitude when she walks into a room.

Orangeanna
See? Totally something I would have done at a breakfast. Okay, "would have done" may be less than honest. I was pissed she thought of it first on this day, and I was 39.

Anna
Also, she has my "too much hair" issue, but on her it's lovely and she can pull it off. My whole life, my too much hair issue has just made me look insane.

So, Anna's mom, Maria, is kind of a glamour puss. She wears heels, and dresses, and always has her makeup all perfect and what do you do with a problem like Maria? She is hot. There is no debate.

Now, Katie, my other cousin, is beautiful, but she is not a high-heel kind of a gal. She and her husband always live out in the wild, and do things like snowshoe to work. Me too.

Katieandme
Here is Katie and her granola self visiting me in LA a few years back.

So, believe it or not, everyone was getting ready for my Uncle Jim's funeral, of all things, and Anna walked into the bathroom where everyone was primping.

"FABULOUUUUUS!" she sang out, looking at her mom. "FABULOUSSSSSSS!" she exclaimed, looking at her grandma. "FAAAAAABULOUSSSS!" she said, peering at herself and gettin' all Carson Kressley.

Then she looked over my cousin Katie's pants and sweater ensemble.

"…NORMAL!" she sang.

A few days later, Katie and Anna were in the car. "Aunt Katie? Are you a lesbian?" she asked, not knowing that this would be something I would delight over and ask my cousin Katie every time we talked for the rest of our lives.

"No, Anna, you know I'm married," said Katie.

There was a pause. "It's okay to be gay," Anna instructed Katie. I think it was sensitive of her to try to help her come out like this. Maybe she could work at some crisis line somewhere.

"I KNOW it's okay to be gay," said Katie, "but I'm NOT gay. I'm married to Uncle Jason."

"Well…you kind of dress like a lesbian," Anna offered.

See. When Marvin's grandmother died? I did not know what I was gonna do about having an absolute top-of-the-heap favorite relative. Who was gonna beat a 93-year-old, two-foot-tall woman with flaming red hair who told you whatever impolite thing came into her head?

Grammasophie
Thank heavens for Mr. Blackwell, there, of Saginaw, Michigan. With one ludicrous conversation, I have a new favorite relative.

Also, is it inappropriate to send a 10-year-old episodes of The L Word? Cause girlfriend needs to expand her repitoire of what a lesbian looks like. They don't ALL wear Birkenstocks and plaid shirts, like my cousin Katie. Maybe I should just forward the child a few articles about Linday Lohan. Would that work?

Comment of the week goes to my similarly-Birkenstock-wearing-but-also-not-a-lesbian friend Hometown HorseLady. I loved her description of why she loves winter, even though I can't imagine loving winter.

Talk to you later, if I can bring this fever down.

 

45 thoughts on “I got a fever, and the only cure is…more cowbell.

  1. June! Step away from the computer and have Marvin drive you immediately to the emergency room. Scratch that. CALL 911!!!!! We don’t want to lose you, especially not to Lassa Fever.
    This has to be one of the best stories ever. I get the feeling that your family is similiar to mine. At every gathering, for my sisters and I, it’s not about the food, the fellowship, the folly, it’s all about gathering more material for our enjoyment.
    That being said, I would like to share a similiar story. My sister, not Lee, the other one, is what one would call a plain dresser. OK, maybe a lesbian dresser. My daughter, Quinn, is up her behind, trying to crawl inside of her every time she is around. One day, sister not Lee was in the bathroom changing her clothes and Quinn was in there with her. Quinn looks her up and down and then asked, “Why do you wear such fancy bras when you dress so…boring?” Sister not Lee tells me the conversation and then Quinn pipes up, “I never got a chance to check her underpants.” Sister not Lee told her those too, were plain. Quinn got a sad look on her face and patted her on the arm and told her she needed to buy fancy underpants to go with her fancy bras.

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  2. I think you could work up a temperature like that by simply walking from the living room to the kitchen…
    Lassie Fever? Is that what you have? Like dog years except degrees?

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  3. I think you could work up a temperature like that by simply walking from the living room to the kitchen…
    Lassie Fever? Is that what you have? Like dog years except degrees?

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  4. I think you could work up a temperature like that by simply walking from the living room to the kitchen…
    Lassie Fever? Is that what you have? Like dog years except degrees?

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  5. Whenever I go to the doctor I get a printout of what my vitals are, the diagnosis, follow up instructions, etc. I went on Wednesday as I haven’t been feeling well. Made my follow up appointments as instructed. When I came home I put on my glasses and read my temp was 99.9. I had a fever and they never told me! June, you and I could both have Whatthehella fever and we wouldn’t know it. Damn doctors.

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  6. My sister has a walk in closet full of black suits, khaki pants and white shirts. She does have a walk on the wild side part of her closet where she indulges in navy blue. She is not a lesbian, just a lawyer with no sense of fashion outside of Brooks Brothers. Very sad. Whenever she introduces me to her friends, she says, “I know you’re not going to believe this, but I swear this is my sister.”
    Just don’t google your fiery fever, because then you’ll be worried all day about your Dengue fever and the eventual hemorrhaging of your eyes.

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  7. Hee my fiance does the boring clothes thing (but that means he’d never be taken for a gay guy). We went to party where we were told to wear our tacky christmas jumpers, he was on the phone to the host saying he didn’t have one. He was assured it didn’t matter, he can wear any kooky/oddly coloured jumper, surely he had one of them? Matt was so relieved, “Oh yeah I do, I can wear my brown one. It’s my party jumper anyway”.

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  8. Jan my hair does rock, thank you very much. I can't take the credit. My hair stylist is a gifted woman and a genius at color. says:

    OJ~ you just described my sister to a T. That’s the perfect description. Very no nonsense, all black, khaki and white. Except when she is wearing jeans and oversized university sweatshirts. Her hair is plain, wears hardly any make-up. She is a band director and feels that she needs to be professional. I wonder where in the professional woman’s code does it read “No personality, no color.” When she has introduced me to colleagues and students they all say something to like, “Wow. I can’t believe you have a blond sister.” I take that to mean, “Wow. I am surprised you have a sister who does her hair (and wow!!! what terrific hair she has!) and wears colorful, hip clothes and shoes.”

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  9. So sorry you are delirious with fever. Obviously, that did not stop you from a hilarious post with wonderful photos. Quite a family story. Can we call Anna “Junie, Jr.”?
    Feel better soon.

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  10. This is the best story. Kids just say it like it is. Love that. She’s a lil Junie for sure!
    Grandma reminds me of Sally Jessie. All she needs is the red glasses.
    Nithya, jumpers? Is this an English thing? I’m picturing my catholic school uniform.
    Eyebrow threading? Is that to lift the sagging lids? I could use some lifting along the jowl line.

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  11. I, too, have a sister who dresses in Early Lesbian. The non-lipstick kind. Her wardrobe consists of Lands End or Dockers pleated front khakis that are a size too big, greige mock turtlenecks that are about 2″ too short and buttoned camp shirts. Her shoes of choice are usually Lands End all-weather slip on mocs or Clark’s clogs. No jewelry other than her wedding rings and a man’s Tag Heuer watch.
    We’ve thought about signing her up for “What Not to Wear” but realized it’d be a waste of time because she’s perfectly happy with her fashion choices.
    Of course, her daughter is all about the pink and the sparkly and everything girly and Hello Kitty, which completely befuddles her mother.

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  12. Poor febrile June (look that up in your nursey book). Howled at the story and loved the picture of you and Grandma. Everybody needs one rude female relative!
    Duffylou, can’t ask you about eyebrow threading because I have my hands pressed to my eyebrows HOLLERING OW Ow Ow Ow Ow! Once, just once, never again.
    I have non-lipstick lesbian eyebrows. Totally cannot be bothered to be in pain over eyebrows.

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  13. You know how there are lipstick lesbians?
    Doesn’t it just make sense there are lipstick heterosexuals also?
    Like June, all girlie and pink. Then, like her cousin Katie, who isn’t?

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  14. I have seen people getting their eyebrows threaded right out in the open in the mall. Why in the name if all things painful would you allow a stranger to groom you in public?
    My kids all run a degree higher than normal body temp wise. Little furnaces is what they are, which resulted in numerous calls home from the school nurse. They knew they would get sent home anytime they complained about a random twinge. Finally had the doc write a “that’s normal for them” note for their permanent file. It’s probably still there.
    All this is not to take away from your suffering June. I, too, suspect hanta from the rat man.

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  15. Texas Kari who really wants to know if any other hypochondriacs out there have considered having one of those whole body scans says:

    I have become a total hypochondriac. Now that I’m over 40 I am certain that every little twinge is cancer. Ordinary mammograms and comprehensive blood panels are not enough to convince me otherwise. Web MD is my new BFF.
    I’m not so fond of the hypochondria and want to go back in time when nothing concerned me. You know, back to the days when a headache was just a headache and not a brain aneurysm. hee.

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  16. Now see, I am an only child and was also the only grandchild on one side (and the only child [grandchild] of the only son on the other side) and I most certainly did/do not have that TAAA DAAA personality. I have more of a For The Love of Christ, Would You Leave Me Alone personality. I, therefore, conclude that it’s the big hair that gives the TAAA DAAA trait.

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  17. Now see, I am an only child and was also the only grandchild on one side (and the only child [grandchild] of the only son on the other side) and I most certainly did/do not have that TAAA DAAA personality. I have more of a For The Love of Christ, Would You Leave Me Alone personality. I, therefore, conclude that it’s the big hair that gives the TAAA DAAA trait.

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  18. Now see, I am an only child and was also the only grandchild on one side (and the only child [grandchild] of the only son on the other side) and I most certainly did/do not have that TAAA DAAA personality. I have more of a For The Love of Christ, Would You Leave Me Alone personality. I, therefore, conclude that it’s the big hair that gives the TAAA DAAA trait.

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  19. Texas Kari who really wants to know if any other hypochondriacs out there have considered having one of those whole body scans says:

    Ha! Dawn, I just made a round trip and didn’t pass through a body scanner in either airport. Just my luck.

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  20. Hee, hee, hee. You’re like my husband when you’re sick. My husband thinks I’m mean. He had a fever so he bundled up in sweats, sweatshirt, and blanket. Sat on the couch with the thermometer and took his temp every hour. (He didn’t want to take Tylenol) When his temp reached 104 he asked “What temperature do you die at?” I responded with “OH FOR THE LOVE OF PETE, take off the damn blanket!” and for that, he thinks I’m heartless. Hmphf!

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  21. Eye brow threading is a method for removing hair and shaping the eye brows. Best way to get an idea is go to youtube. But I did go to a shop in the mall. They were very clean.
    They start with cotton thread, twist it a certain way and keep the long end in between their teeth. Then they start ripping the hair out of your face by the root. In rows. Did I mention I opted to have any hair on my face that didn’t belong done?
    They could use this as a form of torture. There is no man on earth that could withstand this pain.
    When she got to the row of hair, that is invisible to the human eye, right on the upper lip line I started crying out for my mommy.
    I get to go back in 3 to 4 weeks for maximum benefits.

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  22. Am I the only one who thought the second Anna picture was another picture of June as a child? Same big eyes and hair, I guess, both taking gorgeous pictures.
    I love Junyer.

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  23. You might want to make a trip to the ER before your temp gets any higher.
    I think a jumper is the English term for sweater vest. They also call a flashlight a torch.

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  24. Eyebrow threading is of the devil. That is all.

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  25. Oh HELL, I left my little clever parenthetical expression in the Name blank, from whenever the last time I commented from this computer.

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  26. Oh, God – June with Saturday Night Fever! Wait – is that Marvin I see in the white suit getting ready to make his move???
    I keep saying that the older I get the more I dress for comfort not style – I didn’t know it was “early lesbian”. Actually, the lesbians I know are much more stylish and wear those high pointy shoes I’m so grateful to have given away.

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  27. *jacuzzi suite in hell* ha ha ha-ing at volume. Now I will have to tell every friend I talk to today about that line as well as every funny thing June had to say yesterday. Long-suffering patience. That is what all my friends have.

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  28. Funny Anna and Katie story! Especially Anna and her “Normal” assessment of Katie. Katie looks like a fun person; she’s so pretty. What is it with your family and all that great hair anyway?
    I’d love to read some Marvin’s Grandmother stories. Those impolite words coming from 90 year old Grandmas rock. My husband’s Grandmother is 94 years old of piss and vinegar. Conversations with her very nice, very grown children often include the barbs “ugly outfit”, “need haircut”, “gained weight”, “selfish”, “attention-getting”. Her comments are so inappropriate but always spot on. And when she’s in a foul mood at a family function, well now, that’s called good entertainment.

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