And the award for most dramatic cold goes to…

I have a cold
In the immortal words of Martin Luther King, "IIIII have a cold."

You know it's bad when I do not care if my socks match. The beige one on the right, there, is left over from when I had a giant polyp removed from my girly bits. It has that plastic tracking stuff on the bottom. The sock. Not my girly bits.

How attracted to me are you right now? Although I have to tell you, if you have some kind of fetish for Froggy from The Little Rascals? I am your gal today. I sound good. And feminine.

I did take time out from coughing to watch the ridiculous Golden Globes, and everyone needs to calm down. I thought Ricky Gervais was funny.

Also? I liked how they kept playing the same three notes of The Social Network theme song. How dramatic. I have decided to use The Social Network theme song to enhance all of my declarative sentences.

Okay, just play the first 21 seconds of it, until they get to those three piano notes, while you read the paragraph below.


 

I have a cold today, as I am the type of person who gets colds. I do not think it is the flu, as I had a flu shot this year. However, I am coughing. And I am also sniffling. I have taken Robitussin to alleviate my symptoms. I also put Vicks on. To make matters worse, I have a deadline on my statistics book. It's due today. I must read the last chapter. Then I must run the whole 39 chapters, individually, through spell check. Afterwards, I have to search for anomalies, such as words that are hyphenated that don't need to be. It will be an arduous task that must be done before 6 p.m.

Wasn't all of that mundane info 10 times more dramatic with those piano notes? I want three haunting piano notes ALL OF THE TIME.

Oh, and also, I would like an orchestra behind me to play out any of my friends who talk too long.

I have a friend, and I will not name names, who is the WORST STORYTELLER. This person always gives you way too much extraneous information, and does that horrid thing, "Wait, I should back up and tell you…"

Dear Bad Storytellers of the World: No one EVER wants you to back up and give more info.

The Bad Storytelling Friend also does my very very very least-favorite thing.

BAD STORYTELLER: So she said to me, do you know why I hate to wear red gloves? And I said, No, why?

Dear Bad Storytellers of the World: No one needs to hear that you said, "No, why?" It is not germane to the story. Just stampede to the part where the person hates to wear red gloves because they remind of her lobster claws.

For the record, I have never really heard a story about anyone hating to wear red gloves.

The point is, next time Bad Storytelling Friend starts of of those stories, after 15 seconds, Ima get this going:


 

"Oh, I'm sorry, BST, your time is up." clap clap clap. Commercial.

Am now waiting for every friend I have in real life to email me. "Am I the bad storyteller?" Except the actual Bad Storyteller will say, "Ohmygod, I was reading your blog? At work? Wait, let me back up…"

Anyway, that is all I have to say about the Golden Globes except that I continue to detest Angelina Jolie. She sucked all the life out of Brad Pitt. He is a shadow of himself. And would it KILL her to crack a SMILE? Also, who is convincing Annette Benning that that is a hep hairdo? It's like how my friend Libby and I used to style this really unpopular girl's hair in homeroom every morning? And we'd make it look super stupid just to make her life more miserable. And we'd say, "No! It's really cute!"

Wait, let me back up…

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Author: June

At one point, I was sort of hot, in a "she's 27 and probably a 7" kind of a way. Now I'm old and have to develop a charming personality. Guess how that's going.

79 thoughts on “And the award for most dramatic cold goes to…”

  1. Poor June. I hate colds. And don’t you hate how colds are just the sad little cousin of the big, important FLU? “It’s just a cold.” Huh? Colds suck. They’re miserable. Poor you.
    Angelina Jolie sucks too. I can’t stand her. I wish SHE’D get a cold.

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  2. 1. Today is a day off for me and MY HUSBAND is sick and stayed home. I am ANNOYED and feel GYPPED out of my day off. Also, he is DEAD if I get sick now.
    1a. I am a horrid person.
    2. We had a neighbor with a hairstyle similar to Bening’s and we called her Eggbeater Sue. Because clearly that’s what she used to style her hair.

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  3. 1. Today is a day off for me and MY HUSBAND is sick and stayed home. I am ANNOYED and feel GYPPED out of my day off. Also, he is DEAD if I get sick now.
    1a. I am a horrid person.
    2. We had a neighbor with a hairstyle similar to Bening’s and we called her Eggbeater Sue. Because clearly that’s what she used to style her hair.

    Like

  4. 1. Today is a day off for me and MY HUSBAND is sick and stayed home. I am ANNOYED and feel GYPPED out of my day off. Also, he is DEAD if I get sick now.
    1a. I am a horrid person.
    2. We had a neighbor with a hairstyle similar to Bening’s and we called her Eggbeater Sue. Because clearly that’s what she used to style her hair.

    Like

  5. My youngest has your cold. She’s been home from school since last Tuesday. I actually took her to the doctor Friday (for a freaking cold!) . . . that’s how lousy she’s feeling. Today, because they are doing those tests for all 5th graders, she really wanted to go. But at 1:45 I got a call from the school . . . “Um . . . Madame Expatresse? Could you please come collect your sick kid? Merci.” Because she has a slight fever. And a massive headache. 😦
    Going back to the doctor in a few minutes and going to say the words “sinus infection?” a few more times.
    Cue dramatic piano music . . .

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  6. June, I hate to tell you but it might be the flu. I live in your general vicinity and was talking to a school nurse yesterday. She said that the flu is really starting to go around in our area. All of the kids that she sent home last week with the flu had the flu shot.
    So sorry you are sick! That is no fun!

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  7. Hulk,
    Try changing the kitty litter….use the unscented sand kind. Don’t give up on the little critter!

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  8. I am now dying because I missed the Golden Globes and forgot to DVR them. I MUST see Annette Bening’s hair which by the way, has not been good for a long time. And Ricky Gervais is so brilliantly funny. And Angelina Jolie? Have you noticed that she has no friends? None. And I think she’s even driven Brad’s friends away. He used to hang with George and Matt Damon and all the other gorgeous hunks, but no longer. Angelina’s scowl and blood necklace drove them all away.
    I hate her.
    I have a friend who tells the most drawn out boring stories. And since she’s a huge bore, she has no life, so she tells other people’s stories. In. Great. Detail. I was at a party with her just this very weekend and she droned on and on about this woman who has become a huge success with her home party scrap-booking business, (I was snoring at this point) but if that wasn’t bad enough, she then starting describing this woman’s purse, (I have no idea why) with painful excruciating details about the lining and pockets of this said purse. I just wanted to scream out, “STOP TALKING!”
    And now that I’ve told you a way long story, I’m starting to think I better shut up because, well…
    Feel better June. Colds are a bitch.
    And speaking of bitches and Angelina Jolie, please tell me you weren’t a mean girl in school. I mean, you already had the upper hand with your class ring. No need to torture anyone further.

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  9. Holy Moly…this thing is not little. He looks like a pyramid when he sits down.
    And most times he does crap IN the box…then, for whatever reason, he takes one dump just outside the damn door. I set his shitter on carpet so he could get all the damn litter off his paws, and he does and shits there!
    And the fur! This thing is a 15-lb cotton ball! He’s getting diet food from now on. And a brush. He has matted fur behind his head! How the f*** does THAT happen???

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  10. Am I the only one that finds it a bit odd that June (Miss Linear story teller) Gardens is complaining about someone else’s story telling ability? Wait let me back up and tell you that….

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  11. June, I’m sorry you’re sick, but are you telling me you were a BULLY? That just sucked the life out of me.

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  12. Okay, STEVE, my stories are not linear but they are, in fact, fascinating. As someone who traveled hours in the car with me, and who LIVED IN THE SAME HOUSE AS ME (lucky!), you know I am riveting. RIVETING!

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  13. I was wondering why you were wearing hospital socks. It’s a very attractive look.
    Original Joann… let’s look at the evidence. Nice class ring, lenient rules, stereo. Of course June was a mean girl. She was entitled to be one.
    Oh, Furry. We all know Brad cheated on Jen, but come on. Angelina hypnotized him with her lips and then shot him full of sex venom. He couldn’t think. And now look at him. His eyes are vacant and he looks so… lonely. His soul was sucked out of his body. He now spends his days thumbing through old People’s Sexiest Man Alive so he can remember and relive the goold old days with his friends George and Matt. And I don’t want to assume to much but I also believe he probably has a hidden stash of some People covers with he and Jen on them.
    Wait. Let me back up.

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  14. Sadie, the girl with the bad red hair and this other girl who had enormous fish eyes were the only people I picked on, and it was in junior high. I threw a bone to all the losers in high school and was nice to them all. This was because I wanted to be voted Friendliest of my class, actually, but still. And as we all know, Libby Alexander got Friendliest and I got Clown, a fact that still rankles to this day.

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  15. Hulk? Not to doubt your cat caring abilities but… are you scooping the box regularly? Certain cats can be very particular and if the box isn’t completely scooped they will refuse to use it. When my mom got sick, I inherited her cat. She did not like to share the boxes with my two cats. Wait. Let me back up. Eventually I had 4 boxes for 3 cats and I was scooping all 4 of them morning and night. AND IT STILL WASN’T ENOUGH. The little brat wanted them to be PRISTINE.

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  16. Wait, let me back up, did I tell you the inside of that purse was purple satin and it had…oh, I don’t effin know, I was comatose by that point.
    Jan, I don’t want to believe it. I don’t. But June also had that huge life size picture of Robert Redford on her wall. Oh no, this is worse than when my brother told me there was no Santa.
    June was a mean girl. I might just have to go back to bed.
    And I’m with Jan, too, on the cheating thing. Yes, it takes two to cheat, but look at Vampirella’s track record. She has a history of snatching men away from their women and we all know men let their man parts do the thinking in most situations. And it IS Angelina. I think Brad hates his life now and curses his Willie.

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  17. Oh, the things I have learned today! Twenty-four hours to get better or die. Love it!
    Finding out no one likes a long winded, too detailed, story about boring people, only RIVETING people, like June.
    Oh, and Hulk’s cat apparently does not like him. My cat hated my mom and would dig her clothes out of the ironing pile, just to crap on them.

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  18. Am at desk doing the spell check thing, and a black truck has pulled up to dead neighbors house. He went in there with a cooler! A cooler! Is he harvesting her organs? How can I be expected to meet my deadline if this is happening. ABNER!

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  19. I wasn’t privy to any of the relationships, so I’ll keep out of their bidnez. As someone who has been gossiped about for stealing someone’s man when I DID NOT DO ANY SUCH THING and lost friends and even a gallery over it, I try not to judge someone else’s personal stuff like that. Maybe Jen bored him to death. Who really knows?
    Wait. Let me back up…
    See, his wife was cheating on him with a teenager she moved in next door and kicked him out when he was mean to said teenager one night and she felt so guilty that she attacked me to cover what she was doing…
    I got into the mix long after all of that happened but somehow it got to be all my fault…
    Okay, are you snoring?
    Wait. Let me back up…

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  20. I wasn’t privy to any of the relationships, so I’ll keep out of their bidnez. As someone who has been gossiped about for stealing someone’s man when I DID NOT DO ANY SUCH THING and lost friends and even a gallery over it, I try not to judge someone else’s personal stuff like that. Maybe Jen bored him to death. Who really knows?
    Wait. Let me back up…
    See, his wife was cheating on him with a teenager she moved in next door and kicked him out when he was mean to said teenager one night and she felt so guilty that she attacked me to cover what she was doing…
    I got into the mix long after all of that happened but somehow it got to be all my fault…
    Okay, are you snoring?
    Wait. Let me back up…

    Like

  21. I wasn’t privy to any of the relationships, so I’ll keep out of their bidnez. As someone who has been gossiped about for stealing someone’s man when I DID NOT DO ANY SUCH THING and lost friends and even a gallery over it, I try not to judge someone else’s personal stuff like that. Maybe Jen bored him to death. Who really knows?
    Wait. Let me back up…
    See, his wife was cheating on him with a teenager she moved in next door and kicked him out when he was mean to said teenager one night and she felt so guilty that she attacked me to cover what she was doing…
    I got into the mix long after all of that happened but somehow it got to be all my fault…
    Okay, are you snoring?
    Wait. Let me back up…

    Like

  22. Twenty-four hours to get better or die. I am totally announcing that when the fucker wakes up.
    We also have a friend’s daughter who tells long drawn-out stories. And God forbid you interrupt her because then she Starts Over. So we butt in on purpose with “first the dinosaurs came…” and “then it got reeeeeeeeal cold…” until she gives up and stomps away. Yes, we are delightful.
    Angelina is not human. Blood vials. Brother-kissing. Rope arms.
    And Brad is just an ass.
    No one has anything evil to say about Natalie Portman? The dress she borrowed from The Golden Girls? The rambling speech? The phony laugh? Ok, just me, then.

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  23. Twenty-four hours to get better or die. I am totally announcing that when the fucker wakes up.
    We also have a friend’s daughter who tells long drawn-out stories. And God forbid you interrupt her because then she Starts Over. So we butt in on purpose with “first the dinosaurs came…” and “then it got reeeeeeeeal cold…” until she gives up and stomps away. Yes, we are delightful.
    Angelina is not human. Blood vials. Brother-kissing. Rope arms.
    And Brad is just an ass.
    No one has anything evil to say about Natalie Portman? The dress she borrowed from The Golden Girls? The rambling speech? The phony laugh? Ok, just me, then.

    Like

  24. Twenty-four hours to get better or die. I am totally announcing that when the fucker wakes up.
    We also have a friend’s daughter who tells long drawn-out stories. And God forbid you interrupt her because then she Starts Over. So we butt in on purpose with “first the dinosaurs came…” and “then it got reeeeeeeeal cold…” until she gives up and stomps away. Yes, we are delightful.
    Angelina is not human. Blood vials. Brother-kissing. Rope arms.
    And Brad is just an ass.
    No one has anything evil to say about Natalie Portman? The dress she borrowed from The Golden Girls? The rambling speech? The phony laugh? Ok, just me, then.

    Like

  25. The cat box gets cleaned out every couple of days…and he never shit in front of it before. Only after I put the damn carpet down…

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  26. I thought Ricky Gervais was a bit mean-spirited in some of his jokes. When he introduced Bruce Willis and said, “It’s Ashton Kutcher’s Dad, everyone!” I just about peed my pants!!
    And his commentary about The Tourist being very two-dimensional? You surely didn’t see Angelina laugh at THAT one! OUCH!
    I’m sorry you’re sick, Junie, but whose dress did you like the best?
    Bening’s hair was a total rat’s nest. But I do love her. And her pretty husband!

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  27. Pal, I liked whomever wore that pink dress that had sparkles on it. I can no longer remember who that was. Some actress. Does that help? BTW I WebMDd pneumonia and demensia is a sign of it…

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  28. Non skid girly bits. Sounds a bit painful. Nothing like getting all hot and bothered and then everything comes to a screeching halt.
    You know what else bugs me about BSTs? When they tell you a story about someone else and can’t remember their name. The other day Paula, no Dawn or was June? no I think it was Joann anyway she was driving down the street… no wait, it was Paula. Hell, I don’t give a rats ass, I don’t know any of these people so it doesn’t matter BST!!

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  29. Annette Bening looked like Rick Moranis when he gets possessed at the end of Ghostbusters (the Keymaster? or the Gatekeeper, I can’t remember which). That’s all I could think of when she gave her acceptance speech!

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  30. June – if it was Sandra Bullock that you liked, you obviously must be delirious and we need to rush you to the hospital ASAP.
    Sandra was sporting HORRID witchy-poo hair replete with the bump-it and her pink dress looked like it was covered with barbed-wire.
    And don’t even get me started on Helena Bonham-Carter’s get-up. Good heavens! Someone needs to give that woman a mirror – PRONTO! Wow. So many bad things on such a little body!
    Who did you like? Scarlett Johansson? She looked pretty. I also surprisingly liked the way Jennifer Lopez and Megan Fox looked. I also adored Michelle Williams’ sweet Valentino gown (but I would – it’s got flowers on it!). Most favorite was possibly Sofia Vergara. She could wear a potato sack and look fab!

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  31. Anita, it was tough, but I finally found one. http://www.twirlit.com/2011/01/17/annette-bening-trent-reznor-among-golden-globe-2011-winners-full-list/
    Holy Hell.
    One reviewer said Al Pacino and her both had the same Bride of Frankenstein hairdos.
    And Sophia Vergara is just splendid, isn’t she?
    It sounds like Ricky Gervais wrote his death sentence with all those whiny, overly sensitive movie stars who live in their “I am amazing. I am so much better than regular people” bubbles.
    Did you see Steve Carell gave him a little shove and refused to shake his hand? Sorry, but you knew what you were getting when you invited Ricky Gervais on stage.

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  32. Feel better June…I have it too, but not as bad as you. Lemon and honey tea is helping me.
    I liked Anne Hathaway’s metallic backless dress. And that lush green one on Catherine Zeta-Jones.
    Ricky G’s specialty is making his audience feel uncomfortable and awkward for laughing, which they will always do because he is so FUNNY! If tasteless.

    Like

  33. Feel better June…I have it too, but not as bad as you. Lemon and honey tea is helping me.
    I liked Anne Hathaway’s metallic backless dress. And that lush green one on Catherine Zeta-Jones.
    Ricky G’s specialty is making his audience feel uncomfortable and awkward for laughing, which they will always do because he is so FUNNY! If tasteless.

    Like

  34. Feel better June…I have it too, but not as bad as you. Lemon and honey tea is helping me.
    I liked Anne Hathaway’s metallic backless dress. And that lush green one on Catherine Zeta-Jones.
    Ricky G’s specialty is making his audience feel uncomfortable and awkward for laughing, which they will always do because he is so FUNNY! If tasteless.

    Like

  35. Hulk~ Step up the scooping. Do you scoop it or just clean it completely out? I scoop every day and then dump it and clean the whole thing about every ten days. The carpet may just seem like a better, softer alternative. And, added bonus, now the carpet smells like his/her litter box and he/she thinks it’s ok to go there. If you want to get litter off of his/her paws, you can get a little rubber mat thingy (they have them at pet stores and probably at WalMart and Target) that sits next to box. Also, sounds strange, but it does help, get a baby pool (just a small, cheap, plastic one) and set the whole box in there. That will catch any litter he/she kicks out, any pee that might not hit the box (our old cat used to perch on the side of the box and pee right over the side of the box) and if he/she poops, it’s easy to clean and disinfect.
    OK unsoliciated cat advice ends… now.

    Like

  36. THIS JUST IN!!
    Ok. You probably know that I did NOT watch the Golden Globes, or Oscars, or whatever was on last night. But I love it when MC’s go too far with their jokes. So I googled that Ricky Gervais monologue. Holy SHE-ITE! Effing hilARIOUS!
    “Do you want to go see Cher in concert?”
    “No.”
    “Why not?”
    “Because it’s not 1975…”
    Frickin’ DY-ING…

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  37. Loved Olivia Wilde’s big dress!
    Why the *** was the Bieber there???
    Saw ‘The Tourist’…Gervais was right 🙂
    Loved the diss on the SATC2 girls “I know I saw one of you on an episode of Bonanza.”

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  38. I had no idea you knew my mother! Only my mother doesn’t really tell stories, but she does talk for too long giving every detail of how she did something mundane like turn on the porch light. She thinks its a story anyway.

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  39. Late to the party again. Hope this link of Annette Bening works, it was definitely not her best look! http://www.moviefone.com/golden-globes/photos/best-worst-dressed?icid=maing%7Cmain5%7Cdl2%7Csec1_lnk5%7C36878
    Anne Hathaway was lovely. Who do I have to kill to look like her? Otherwise, glad that Christian Bale won for The Fighter, even tho he is an ass, I hear, and also Melissa Leo for that same movie. They both killed it!
    Oh, and let me back up and say get well, June!! Colds suck.

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  40. Well, crap! Just keep clicking through and you’ll get to Annette, with a side trip to Helena Bonham-Carter on the way.

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  41. You know, it’s almost like she took a nap before the big event, woke up late, said oh shit,I better hurry, threw on her dress and completely forgot about her hair.
    And as I’m scrolling through all these pictures (thanks Laurie)and I get to the people after the keymaster, I was wondering who in the hell most of them are. I’m clueless.

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  42. You know, it’s almost like she took a nap before the big event, woke up late, said oh shit,I better hurry, threw on her dress and completely forgot about her hair.
    And as I’m scrolling through all these pictures (thanks Laurie)and I get to the people after the keymaster, I was wondering who in the hell most of them are. I’m clueless.

    Like

  43. You know, it’s almost like she took a nap before the big event, woke up late, said oh shit,I better hurry, threw on her dress and completely forgot about her hair.
    And as I’m scrolling through all these pictures (thanks Laurie)and I get to the people after the keymaster, I was wondering who in the hell most of them are. I’m clueless.

    Like

  44. June and pals, you are all too much. I didn’t get to all this hilarity until just now and ache from laughing out loud. I am definitely going to carry that music with me to play when someone goes on too long, not that I ever do, especially when posting comments on June’s blog.
    ANYWAY, (another BST line that makes me want to scream) I have dodged all cold viruses so far this year but tomorrow morning have to take my old father to see his Internist to get 7 staples out of his 93 year old skull (it’s a long story) and I just know I’m going to come home incubating the current 73 viral and bacterial diseases out there. We will sit in a tiny waiting room for positively HOURS breathing SICK People’s AIR and touching SICK People’s door knobs. I get more like Howard Hughes all the time, but without the money.
    Would have Googled the above but I wore out my Google button when all y’all started doing that RHofBH or whatever.
    Can we please talk about Survivor when it starts up again in February?

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  45. Thank God we don’t have to share June’s keyboard!
    Been wondering about your eye, Mrs Oh

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  46. June, hope you met your statistics deadline in your weakened condition, and that the Robitussin is doing its job for you, so that you care if your socks match tomorrow. We all heart you and want you to feel better!

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  47. June, hope you met your statistics deadline in your weakened condition, and that the Robitussin is doing its job for you, so that you care if your socks match tomorrow. We all heart you and want you to feel better!

    Like

  48. June, hope you met your statistics deadline in your weakened condition, and that the Robitussin is doing its job for you, so that you care if your socks match tomorrow. We all heart you and want you to feel better!

    Like

  49. Robitussen, Mucinex, kleenex, soup, socks…EXACTLY what my end table looks like. BTW, someone told me to take Nyquil overnight and can’t say i had a more restful night…back to the old standbys and work….got to go to work. Perhaps my deep hacking cough will convince them to send me back home? oohhh…and my pink fluffy robe…do you have a pink fluffy robe?

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  50. My husband is a parenthetical story teller. Meaning, he’ll say, “Oh, hey, my boss Steve stopped by my office today and (not that he stops by all the time, so this was really weird and I knew something was up, actually, it’s sort of a joke between us, we never really see each other)…so Steve stopped by my office (I was sitting at my desk eating my lunch, because I never have time to go to the cafeteria and he’s always teasing me about that, but that’s another story)…so Steve stopped by my desk…
    On and on until I am shouting at him, “Verb! I need a verb! What happened?!” and my husband looks all hurt and says, “Well, if you would stop interrupting, I could get to my point.”
    Gah.

    Like

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