Pieces of Wisdom: What time is it? It’s time to get depressed.

Okay, thanks, Marvin.

In case you are just tuning in, yesterday I let Marvin come up with our weekly Pieces of Wisdom question, and he asked, "What was your worst Valentine's Day, ever?" because he has a cheery personality like that.

And you answered. There was betrayal, rejection, death, lack of carnation delivery in high school, snow storms. Good gravy.

The one that somehow affected me the most was poor Faithful Reader Emily, whose then-boyfriend set up this whole romantic evening, and she was certain he was gonna propose, and sure enough he came up with a small box, and in it?

A clock.

A CLOCK!

Where do you even GET teeny clocks that come in a ring box, and what boy in his right mind would say, "Hey! I'll bet she'd love a CLOCK that looks like it might be a ring on Valentine's Day!"

Poor Emily. She eventually did get proposed to by the guy. If I were her I'd have gone for a Flavor-Flav-themed wedding, but she did not mention that she did so.

Flav 
Oh, but someone else did mention heartbreak and an Alice in Wonderland wedding.

I'm telling you, it's all too sad. Go read yesterday's comments if you want to see. I can't even get my dry erase board for this.

Plus also I have news for you.

Yesterday I hauled myself out a long damn-ass way to an interview for a big company. You have heard of this company. It's big. And the job is temporary but they told me the majority of temporary hires end up getting hired because the company is growing.

Anyway, they called to offer me the position before the day was even done. I said let me think about it, because did I mention it's a long damn-ass way away?

So I told someone at my old company where I just got laid off and he said HANG ON! They may want you back here at this place! Don't call the new company till I have called you tomorrow!

So I did what I always do in times of stress. I got ill. Oh, I had a migraine. Throb throb throb, is what my head did, all night. Then finally today my old place called and they still can't offer my job back yet, so I took the temporary job that may lead to permanent.

If it works out, Marvin and I talked about maybe eventually moving closer, so we'd both have a commute, but of course that's if I even end up really working there. For now it's a two-month assignment.

AND THERE ARE GEESE THERE! They were touring me around and I saw a big lake and I could not help but ask. "There be geetzes?"

Okay, thank all that is holy I didn't ask it like that, but still. Do you think I should negotiate to be able to work outside when the babies are born?

I go in Friday for ANOTHER DRUG TEST. Can't people just look at me and know I don't take drugs? Could I look straighter? Can't they just do this based on looks? Anyway, if I pass that (I mean, maybe they're testing for addiction to Moon Pies and/or chalupas. If so, fail.) I start Feb. 28.

I am upcited, because it's copy editing AND copy writing. It's like a step up. A temporary step up. With geetzes. Should I wear something goose-related every day, do you think? Like goose earrings or a suit with a goose pin or a lovely mock turtleneck with geese pictures on it? That'll surely convince them to hire me forthwith. Maybe I could just wear a goose butt, like those Wisconsin people and their cheese butts.

There is some sports team and the fans wear cheese hats but they also have cheese butts to sit on when the bleachers are cold. Which is always because it's Wisconsin. Yes, Hulk, I kind of knew a sports thing, but only because my father lived there and told me.

The first person who makes me a goose butt for my new job gets their choice of a bag of gladiators

Glads 
or an inflatable turkey.

Turk 
How much do you dare me to wear a goose butt to my new job, and not only wear it but wiggle around and ruffle before I sit down every single time?

Why I always gotta be the weird coworker?

Yours,

Ryan Gosling

116 thoughts on “Pieces of Wisdom: What time is it? It’s time to get depressed.

  1. PJ who wants a gladiator next Valentine's Day and will then brag about it when all y'all are telling about your BEST Valentine's Day ever. says:

    How can you possibly be resorting to Seinfeld lines while those gladiators are still standing there? I was reading too quickly and I thought June wrote Choose one of the gladiators. And I was actually inspecting them to see which one I’d choose. That mama gladiator’s egg split 3 ways! I’d still take a bag of gladiators over an inflatable turkey. My family was informed 3 years ago I would never ever ever cook a turkey again in all my life. Those big raw cold BIRDS! Make me shudder and cry. I cry when I fix a turkey cause they gross me out so much…and they used to be a BIRD!

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  2. No, no, no, no. These brown things. The chairs. Jerry, this is the set from the old Merv Griffin Show! They must be throwing it out. This stuff belongs in the Smithsonian!

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  3. And it was his idea to put a sprig of parsley on the plate.
    You’re making this up. There was never a Joseph Garnish.

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  4. Wait, I am impressed, though. Unless you two have your dvd box sets playing continuously. In that case, no soup….Oh June, I just got it! Slow but sure, is what I am.

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  5. Wait, I am impressed, though. Unless you two have your dvd box sets playing continuously. In that case, no soup….Oh June, I just got it! Slow but sure, is what I am.

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  6. Wait, I am impressed, though. Unless you two have your dvd box sets playing continuously. In that case, no soup….Oh June, I just got it! Slow but sure, is what I am.

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  7. The sweatershirt! I forgot about those. I had one with horse iron-ons and blue trim in high school. Damn, should have kept it for ugly sweater parties…

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  8. Okay, I’m super late on this, because I never go back to read the comments after I comment, but Hulk? In amongst yesterday’s depressing comments? You were hilarious. Thanks for the laughs.

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  9. I don’t think John Rambo likes American women. Can’t be 100% sure though.
    Anyway June, can I say that your old workplace is going further and further down in my opinion? They’re like some strangely needy ex-boyfriend who’s all “hey you should come hang out now and then!” to show off how well he’s doing with all his free pizza and whatnot. Then when he hears you might be leaving for greener pastures is all “no, wait, we can still make it work!” even though he’s not really going to do it. So glad you have this new job and I hope it becomes permenant if you enjoy it.

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  10. NO, JOHN RAMBO HAS A MASSIVE FUCKING COCK! OTHERWISE, HOW CAN I PENETRATE THROUGH ALL OF THE LAYERS OF FAT OF THE NORMAL AMERICAN WOMAN?
    AMERICAN WOMEN ARE THE FATTEST WOMEN ON EARTH! EAT SHIT AND DIE!!!!

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  11. PJ who just doesn't get some people. Well, actually, she does. She just hates it when she does so she pretends she doesn't.(Not you, Siren) says:

    (very patiently) No, Si-ren, the glad-i-a-tors are Mine. You’re lesbian, remember? Lesbians would fail to fully appreciate the fine attributes of the gladiators. Especially identical triplet gladiators.

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  12. PJ who just doesn't get some people. Well, actually, she does. She just hates it when she does so she pretends she doesn't.(Not you, Siren) says:

    (very patiently) No, Si-ren, the glad-i-a-tors are Mine. You’re lesbian, remember? Lesbians would fail to fully appreciate the fine attributes of the gladiators. Especially identical triplet gladiators.

    Like

  13. PJ who just doesn't get some people. Well, actually, she does. She just hates it when she does so she pretends she doesn't.(Not you, Siren) says:

    (very patiently) No, Si-ren, the glad-i-a-tors are Mine. You’re lesbian, remember? Lesbians would fail to fully appreciate the fine attributes of the gladiators. Especially identical triplet gladiators.

    Like

  14. John Rambo must have had multiple depressing Valentine’s Days and never recovered. Either that or reading all of the depressing comments sent him over the edge.

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  15. Bets on the fact that John Rambo has never actually witnessed a naked woman in 3-D? No? How about touching said naked woman? No?
    Okay. Bets on John Rambo’s only solid relationship is with his right hand? Yes? I thought so too.

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  16. Sadie beat me to it. Was saddened by the news about Uncle Leo 😦
    Junie- this mean we have to wait until *GASP* evening for your blog post? ACK!

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  17. I hate when I get busy and don’t have a chance to get back in here to read comments. I missed all the Seinfeld and John Rambo fun yesterday. I’m so bummed.

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  18. I just hope you new job has some of the ‘perks’ the old one did. Food, Starbucks and food. And a picture wall.
    If you take the train you can just eat on the way home from work, from work.
    Congrats.

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  19. You will be glad to know that I read this post to Alif and he said, “it fit my budget. And the fact of the matter is that you’d be surprised to find that Flavor-Flav has very high morals.”

    Like

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