My hideous medical experience. Written by June. Experienced by June.

Because what's more exciting than hearing about someone's hideous medical experience?

On the first day I went to my migraine doctor last May, he did a range-of-motion test on me and I, you know, HAD no motion in my neck and he recommended these occipital nerve block shots.

Your occipital nerve runs from your neck to your temple, and apparently in migraine people it is often jacked up. It is just sitting there, tense and mad all the time, wanting to be migraine-y. "I'M JUST WAITING! JUST WAITING TO GET ALL SWOLLEN AND PAINFUL! YOU'RE PISSING ME OFF!" says your occipital nerve.

So when you get these nerve block shots, it calms it down and then you don't get so many migraines for awhile. "Heyyyy, man. Thass cool." Basically once you get the shot, your occipital nerve goes from being Francis to being Winston.

Is it sad that I bring everything around to being about my pets like that?

At any rate, for some reason I was ooky about the nerve block. I am not afraid of needles. In my giant Santa's List of fears, needles are not in there. I have had tattoos, Botox, collagen in my lips, acupuncture. Go ahead. Poke away at me. Sometimes I just like to stick pins in myself and go around doing a porcupine impression.

But I don't know. I was resistant to the nerve block. Now I know it was SELF-PRESERVATION.

Anyway, yesterday I finally agreed to do one. I had to be there at 8:00, which for the rest of you would be like being somewhere at 2 a.m., so foreign is it for me to be up and dressed by ridiculous 8:00 anymore.

There was a giant traffic jam on the way in, so I was late, and then stupid unemployment didn't pay me this week (another post) so my copay didn't go through and I had to pay for this charming experience with a credit card, and I said to the receptionist, "It's not even 8:30 and I am already having a dumb day." She said, "Well, it's bound to get better after this."

I said, "Well. I AM about to get, like, 30 shots in my neck."

"Ohhhh, that's right," she said, looking sad.

So I go in the doctor's office and it is effing freezing in there. I mean, I could have hung meat. Hulk was in there ice fishing. Huskies ran by pulling Santa. That made no sense.

I opened the door, hoping it was warmer in the hall, and a nurse came bustling over. "We have to keep the door closed for patient confidentiality," she said.

Patient confidentiality. It's a MIGRAINE CLINIC. Who needs to be confidential about their MIGRAINES?

"You know, my migraines really kick in when I dress up as a sexy girl horse and hit the stables looking for stallions. Could hay fever be a trigger? So to speak? Har har har…"

"Let's try the meds not covered by insurance. Since I've been embezzling from my company I have all kinds of spending money!"

Patient confidentiality. Whatever.

Finally, after I had icicles hanging off me like the time Lucille Ball got caught in the meat locker, the doctor came in.

Lucy-freezer 
"Okay, June, are we ready for your nerve blocks?"

"I am," I said, being Neil Diamond. "But I wanted to ask you, that preventive medication you gave me. Could it be causing weight gain? Because I've never weighed this much in my life."

"…No. That medication is a lot like Topamax. Its side effect is weight loss. Have you been monitoring your calorie intake?"

That ivy-league-educated MF. My calorie intake. When I relayed this story to Marvin yesterday evening, he said, "Is that an empty pudding cup on the coffee table?"

I hate everyone.

So, the doctor had me sit in a chair facing the exam table that you usually lie on. I had to put my arms on the exam table and lie my head on the table, too. I made sure both my arms and head were on that ludicrously thin slip of paper they always phonily have there, which, do you really think that thing protects you from any germs?

I mean, yeah, they roll that paper down and rip it off between patients, but it is so thin. Can't germs, you know, SOAK THROUGH onto the bed thing itself? And the paper never covers the whole table. So old Victor Vomit, there, grabs the sides of the table and then you do and boom, you've caught his disease.

But there I was, pressing my FACE onto the germy hotbed of germ warfare, there, and he started giving me the shots. "Now, tell me if you start to feel lightheaded or nauseated," he said.

"All right," I said, not afraid of either. Did I mention shots do not bother me? He gave me shots behind my ear, and at the base of my skull, and at the back of my head, and in my neck, and in my shoulders, and yeah, sometimes they pinched a little, but it was okay.

After the fourth or fifth one, I thought, man, I do feel a little twingy in my stomach, but I said, Oh, June. That's just the power of suggestion. He said the word "nauseated" so naturally you went there.

Ten shots later?

WHOOMP!

That is the only way to describe it, and who is sick of me saying, WHOOMP? Is it Marvin? Have I said this to him 80 times since yesterday?

WHOOMP! It was like when you turn on the flame in a gas stove. WHOOMP. All of a sudden I was SO.ILL. I mean, I was twingy and then WHOOMP. There it is.

I got SO HOT. After being effing freezing five minutes before. My whole body was on fire. And nauseated? Oh! If you've read me for more than a day, you know I do not barf. I do.

not.

barf.

And after the whoomp? Sorry, the WHOOMP? I knew there was no turning back. I was gonna barf.

"You know, I think I do feel lightheaded," I heard myself say from a million miles away.

"Okay," said the doctor, who does not know from calories. "Normal reaction. This is the whoodeglupaloo reaction, or your fight-or-flight response. It'll go away in a few minutes. We'll take a break. I'll get the nurse to bring you water and I'll continue in a bit."

Continue?

And he left. I was still lying there with my face on germ central, waiting for my stomach to, you know, head north, and I thought, why are my arms slipping around? I realized then that my ENTIRE BODY was COMPLETELY COVERED in sweat. It was like I'd run 10 miles. I was soaked.

I lifted my head from that piece of paper and it looked like the Shroud of Turin. I have never been so sweaty in my life. It was like Whitney Houston in concert.

And, given that I have not thrown up since 1982, I clearly have a strong stomach. So you know someone prior to me must have gotten ill from this stupid nerve block. Why did they not give me some recepticle to get sick into?

I sat there and breathed deeply, picturing Tallulah's face to calm my nerves, and just waited for it to happen, thinking how I was gonna ruin my nice cords from Banana Republic, when after a few minutes? I realized I wasn't gonna barf.

I still felt like hell, though. I got up and at this point I was shivering because I was so sweaty in that freezing room. I shook into my coat, grabbed my purse and got into the hall, where two nurses where talking and NOT getting me my water, which at this point I desperately needed.

"Excuse me," I said.

The one nurse turned around and shouted, "Oh my WORD! Honey, you are GREEN!"

Now, see, if I'd been feeling better I could have said, "Yes, and I'm here to tell you that I'll get you, my pretty." Then I could have pointed at the other nurse and said, "And your little dog, too!" But I was too sick to make funny, funny jokes like that. Instead I told them that I just wanted to go home even though I was in the middle of my stupid shots.

They got me some water and helped me to my car, telling me I might need a muscle relaxer when the shots wore off. Yeah, that's what I want. A nice nauseating muscle relaxer. How about a roller coaster ride while I'm up, or a lovely rocky boat trip while I eat suspicious mayonnaise?

Anyway, I got home somehow and rested all day. Edsel laid on my legs, Henry laid on my head, and Tallulah kept watch over me across the top of the couch. Because she's weird. I didn't leave the house again until Edsel's manners class last night, which by the way right before we were going, he JUMPED ON THE KITCHEN COUNTER trying to break into his training treats. Glad we've spent $65 on this class, is what I am.

How the Sam Hill did he actually jump all the way up onto the counter? Did someone give him a boost? Did the cats teach him?

At any rate. I feel better today. And by the way, in case you were curious, I am NEVER GETTING NERVE BLOCK SHOTS AGAIN. Because that was fun.

Oh! But on a side note, when I drove home from the doctor, when I put the car in reverse to leave, I turned my head and I had better motion than I've had in 15 years.

Worth it! Not.

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Author: June

At one point, I was sort of hot, in a "she's 27 and probably a 7" kind of a way. Now I'm old and have to develop a charming personality. Guess how that's going.

78 thoughts on “My hideous medical experience. Written by June. Experienced by June.”

  1. June, the poster patient for nerve block shots! Well, the GREEN poster patient for side effects. I can see the doctor pointing to your picture and telling his next patient to let him know if said patient begins to feel like that. Of course, once the patient sees your green face, they will immediately opt out of the motion restoring nerve block shots.

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  2. Ugh. I almost threw up this morning in solidarity with you, June. Y’all have seen my medicine cabinet and know I take 90 million supplements, right? Well, I took them and jumped in the shower. Two minutes later, I am sitting on the shower floor, (Thank God I cleaned it yesterday!) trying not to spray them on the tile. And that’s when I realized that I had not eaten since lunch the day before. Who’s busy? Hmmph. Eating. I think it may catch on.
    I’m glad you’re better today.

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  3. I can’t believe the “nurses” knew that you were nauseated, light-headed and green and they bundled you off into your car to drive!

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  4. I can’t believe the “nurses” knew that you were nauseated, light-headed and green and they bundled you off into your car to drive!

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  5. I can’t believe the “nurses” knew that you were nauseated, light-headed and green and they bundled you off into your car to drive!

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  6. Augh. That’s sounds awful. WHOOMP! I’m so glad the streak continues. That could’ve been the icing on the cake (no, not cake, too caloric, maybe the flavoring on the rice cake)
    Tattoos? Do tell! I have a secret one myself! Pictures please!
    “Like Whitney Houston in concert” Brahhahahahaha!

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  7. Geez, I felt like “I” was reliving your horrible experience just by reading about it. Sounds awful.
    Neil Diamond AND The Wizard of Oz…teehee.
    How on earth did Edsel jump that far onto the counter? Almost seems impossible. And all for the training treats huh? He’s a funny boy.

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  8. Oh my, how gifted are you to be able to make that graphic and terrible recounting so absolutely hilarious? I felt guilty for laughing, but snort I did, 223 times! Yay that your motion is improved, and that there was no Barfapalooza (to upstage our Hulkapalooza).
    And did I place that last period correctly?
    Hope you are feeling great today, June.

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  9. Oh my, how gifted are you to be able to make that graphic and terrible recounting so absolutely hilarious? I felt guilty for laughing, but snort I did, 223 times! Yay that your motion is improved, and that there was no Barfapalooza (to upstage our Hulkapalooza).
    And did I place that last period correctly?
    Hope you are feeling great today, June.

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  10. Oh my, how gifted are you to be able to make that graphic and terrible recounting so absolutely hilarious? I felt guilty for laughing, but snort I did, 223 times! Yay that your motion is improved, and that there was no Barfapalooza (to upstage our Hulkapalooza).
    And did I place that last period correctly?
    Hope you are feeling great today, June.

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  11. I agree with Teacup – what nurses would think you’re green one minute and then let you drive the next? Not responsible nursing, I think. And did they not go get the doctor to tell him his patient was fleeing? I think there is a malpractice suit somewhere there.
    And Edsel, the jumping dog, hopefully learned at manners class last night that counter tops are a no-no. Bad (but cute) dog!

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  12. Talk about a day from the bowels of HELL! Selfishly glad the shots did not effect your sense of humor. Cracking up at your telling of the whole experience.
    I’m glad you are feeling better!

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  13. A picture of you being green would have delighted me… you know visuals. Save it for St. Patrick and the snakes, next month.

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  14. Just think June, if you had finished the shots, you may have been able to turn your head a full 360 degrees!
    So sorry you had a horrible experience.

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  15. I had chinese for lunch and my fortune cookie said I should “enhance my feminine side at this time.” So I went out and bitched at all the guys for leaving the toilet seat up.

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  16. Maybe it will be like being pregnant, you hate it while it is happening, but you forget about how miserable it was later.
    Feel better baby.

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  17. Oh, June, where to start? I need to re-read the post so that I can keep all my comments straight. But first, and Most Importantly:
    ALWAYS throw away the pudding cup.

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  18. I’m sorry it was so awful. 😦 I know you’ve tried chiropractors, but if you haven’t tried a NUCCA chiro, you really should. It’s very different and stopped my migraines. You can go to nucca.org to find one in your area. You can e-mail me if you want to talk about how it’s different or anything.

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  19. Okay, I’m dead. You finally actually KILLED ME. Francis to Winston, Lucile Ball in meat locker, Neil Diamond, I laughed, I cried, I nearly retched, I felt dizzy. Why, your horrible dreadful experience is now all about ME! Oh, and maybe best? …lovely rocky boat trip while eating suspicious mayonnaise. I.am.nauseated and laughing. A first.

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  20. I’m glad you’re feeling better enough to be hilarious again. It sounds like a horrible experience, and I too wonder why the nurses just let you leave without at least attempting to find the doctor.
    I hope you can find the magic pill or whatever to make your migraines go away. I’ve never had one, but they sound like a living hell.

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  21. Let you leave be damned! You should never have been left alone in that room after those injections. Period! insert all known swear words here:

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  22. Hulk (I don't mind needles either...although I was a basket case with the tears when I had to take my baby home after they gave her 5 shots in her legs...) says:

    Hulk is NOT green, but sweats profusely.
    Especially at his basketball game tonight.

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  23. And that awful feeling that lets you know for sure you’re going to hurl…the floodgates of saliva let loose in your mouth. So here you are…ready to hurl, but you have to swallow first so you don’t drool down your chin. aargh

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  24. Bless your heart! (as we say here in the south) I feel your pain. I too had those hideous nerve block shots and almost passed out/threw up. It was lovely. One of my finer moments. They brought in a fan, ice for my neck, and water. they probably thought I was gonna die…I knew I was gonna die and that they had killed me!
    Unfortunately I was stupid and let him continue! What was I thinking?
    Stupid shots only helped for about a week. Big whoop. I have refused the nerve blocks ever since. I see my chiropractor and she has performed a miracle. Screw the nerve block shots!
    Sorry it happened to you…I didn’t want to tell you about my experience…I didn’t want to influence you.

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  25. How completely nasty that experience sounded! Eeeeek!
    And, not happy with those nurses for letting you walk out and drive home. Not too smart of them.
    I’ve been experiencing nausea for the last three days and NO! I’m not pregnant! It’s terrible – I think I got some bongo bongo disease coming home from our trip! Probably from that guy Victor Vomit you mentioned! Yesterday I had an egg for breakfast and then all I could think about was it coming back up which made me MORE nauseous! Yuck.

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  26. Shroud of Turin.
    hehehehee
    I’ve wondered the SAME thing about the wimpy paper cover – germs SEEPING through the paper.

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  27. Shroud of Turin.
    hehehehee
    I’ve wondered the SAME thing about the wimpy paper cover – germs SEEPING through the paper.

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  28. Shroud of Turin.
    hehehehee
    I’ve wondered the SAME thing about the wimpy paper cover – germs SEEPING through the paper.

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  29. The paper covering the patient table is pretty much the same as the paper toilet seat covers in public restrooms. Both oh-so reassuring, NOT!
    Speaking of the paper toilet seat covers, I feel obliged now to tell you a story about my Ex. While traveling many, many years ago we stopped at a truck stop restaurant. (So not me) He heads towards the mens room before we place our order. Upon his return to the table the waitress is present and ready to take our food order. Out of his pocket he whips out a paper toilet seat cover and places it over his head pulling it down in front and proceeds to ask the waitress why they keep the barbecue rib eating bibs in the bathroom. I did say he was my Ex, right?

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  30. i feel your pain! i had a series of shots in my knees, one shot in each knee for 6 weeks. i was told that i might have “slight discomfort” after the shots. they should have said “it will feel like hot lava has been injected in your knees”. i had to go to a restaurant, get a booth and sit with my legs perfectly straight, resting on the other booth seat.
    i had my husband drive me to the appointments for the other 5 weeks. six months later, they tried to convince me to have another series of shots. NO WAY!
    i hope you get more range of motion, but hopefully you head won’t won’t spin around and eject pea soup like the chick in “the exorcist”.

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  31. Lisa Pie, I believe my reaction was to put back on my sunglasses so that I could become invisible as I died yet another slow death of embarrassment.

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  32. Well that sounds like a whole bunch of not fun! I’m glad you are feeling better today.
    Getting a shot doesn’t bother me, but I cannot stand to see someone else get one. I could never be a nurse.

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  33. Well that sounds like a whole bunch of not fun! I’m glad you are feeling better today.
    Getting a shot doesn’t bother me, but I cannot stand to see someone else get one. I could never be a nurse.

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  34. Well that sounds like a whole bunch of not fun! I’m glad you are feeling better today.
    Getting a shot doesn’t bother me, but I cannot stand to see someone else get one. I could never be a nurse.

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  35. I guess you didn’t watch Glee, then, as they were barfing. Although a dress from Little House on the Prairie put in an appearance; you might have enjoyed that.
    Really, June, you left the pudding cup? And what about the paper frills in a box of chocolates? Do you leave them behind? ALWAYS DESTROY THE EVIDENCE.

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  36. I guess you didn’t watch Glee, then, as they were barfing. Although a dress from Little House on the Prairie put in an appearance; you might have enjoyed that.
    Really, June, you left the pudding cup? And what about the paper frills in a box of chocolates? Do you leave them behind? ALWAYS DESTROY THE EVIDENCE.

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  37. I guess you didn’t watch Glee, then, as they were barfing. Although a dress from Little House on the Prairie put in an appearance; you might have enjoyed that.
    Really, June, you left the pudding cup? And what about the paper frills in a box of chocolates? Do you leave them behind? ALWAYS DESTROY THE EVIDENCE.

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  38. I guess you didn’t watch Glee, then, as they were barfing. Although a dress from Little House on the Prairie put in an appearance; you might have enjoyed that.
    Really, June, you left the pudding cup? And what about the paper frills in a box of chocolates? Do you leave them behind? ALWAYS DESTROY THE EVIDENCE.

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  39. I guess you didn’t watch Glee, then, as they were barfing. Although a dress from Little House on the Prairie put in an appearance; you might have enjoyed that.
    Really, June, you left the pudding cup? And what about the paper frills in a box of chocolates? Do you leave them behind? ALWAYS DESTROY THE EVIDENCE.

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  40. I guess you didn’t watch Glee, then, as they were barfing. Although a dress from Little House on the Prairie put in an appearance; you might have enjoyed that.
    Really, June, you left the pudding cup? And what about the paper frills in a box of chocolates? Do you leave them behind? ALWAYS DESTROY THE EVIDENCE.

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  41. Paula, I love Glee, even with that barfing last night, but THAT DRESS!?! Even for Rachel…
    Anita, they were hurling booze mixed with cough syrup that they downed just before performing at an assembly targeting alcohol abstinence for teens. It really was funny.

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  42. Paula, I love Glee, even with that barfing last night, but THAT DRESS!?! Even for Rachel…
    Anita, they were hurling booze mixed with cough syrup that they downed just before performing at an assembly targeting alcohol abstinence for teens. It really was funny.

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  43. Paula, I love Glee, even with that barfing last night, but THAT DRESS!?! Even for Rachel…
    Anita, they were hurling booze mixed with cough syrup that they downed just before performing at an assembly targeting alcohol abstinence for teens. It really was funny.

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  44. Oh June – I feel your pain and am so sorry you had to go through all of that. But. If it is any consolation: you made me laugh. Pudding cup. *snort* And I type this once again from my hospital bed as I been readmitted. Who is your number one fan now? Ok. That was a little too Kathy Bates from Misery. Thanks for the laugh – I needed it. Desperately.

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  45. Oh No Mrs. Oh! (ya like that rhythm?) Get better soon. I had noticed you hadn’t posted today.

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  46. Mrs. Oh, what in the HECK is going on? I just read your blog last night about the adventure of rescuing Pete/Elvis. Was the whole weekend trip too much for you?
    Please know you are in our thoughts and prayers. Keep us updated.

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  47. Mrs. Oh, noticed the 4:15 AM posting time. Beg an Ipod with some soothing music from someone…and beg a foot massage. You will get out of there. June will post soon and distract you.
    BTW, my hospital claims to have WiFi but I can’t send emails from there so what the hell good is that? If you can’t be carrying on with your posse on the outside it’s bogus, man. Glad you can breach the walls cyberistically.

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  48. I can’t believe they allowed you to leave after such an adverse reaction to the injections! AND they gave you the injections when you were unaccompanied!!!

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  49. June,
    So hated to read about your experience. As usual though you had me in tears of laughter. I loved the I’ll get you my pretty….only you can take a bad experience and find the humor… reading your blog is such fun!

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