Health, June's stupid life, Marvin

Brick house of pain

This morning, Marvin was whistling in the shower.

Whistling!

Mr. Bluebird on His Shoulder, over there, has offered to stay here for as long as it takes for me to recover from whatever surgery I may need for whatever is up there residing in my fanny pack, but I am thinking this is a bad idea.

I mean, he is just trying to do the decent thing, which is not leave a person when they are facing major surgery. But when he said he'd stay, my thought was, Maybe he still likes me. Maybe he's saying he'll stay because he secretly doesn't really want to leave. Maybe this is just an excuse to not go.

But because I am filled with pride and not at all pathetic, what I said was, "Are you offering to stay because you still like me and and you secretly don't want to go?"

Marvin looked at me like I was, you know, pathetic. "You shouldn't ask questions like that," he said. "You'll just make yourself feel bad."

Don't you hate it when people say things like that? They're trying to be kind but somehow it makes you feel 10 times worse.

So anyway, there are many people who can take care of me should I be gutted like a turkey, and I told Marvin to please hurry this hideous procedure along so I can stop hoping he'll look at me and think, "What a fine figure of a woman. How can I leave that brick house?"

He filled out his application for his Mr. Furley bachelor pad, and thinks he can probably move in on April 1. Which is ironic, because April 1 is my favorite holiday. It would be the day I'd be calling people to say Marvin moved out as a funny funny joke, and now this year I'll have to call people to say, "Marvin didn't go!" and then be all, "Psych!"

Every evening on March 31, the loved ones of my acquaintances warn my people that the next day is April Fool's Day and that I will be calling. You have no idea how many of my friends and relatives say, "I'd never have remembered you were gonna fool me, but Abner warned me today is April 1."

To the loved ones of my people? I say shut up. SHUT UP. It's my DAY. Can I just have my DAY? Can you just let me FOOL your PEOPLE? Is it really the end of the world if I fool them for five minutes of their life? GOD.

Abner.

In the meantime, tonight I am going to Jazzercise with my friend Hammy. Because apparently it is 1980. Hammy loves her the Jazzercise; she even has a bumper sticker on her car that reads (are you ready?) "Jazzercise," and I do have to say Hammy looks good. Tonight you can bring a friend for free.

I just had a brilliant idea. The day yawns before me with nothing to do but Google "Is it a fibroid or uterine cancer?" which I have Googled till the cows come home already. What I can do instead is go around to all the thrift shops and fashion an absolutely perfect Olivia Newton-John Let's Get Physical 1980 Jazzercise outfit.

Olivianewton420I already have the hair. Not only will I find the perfect leg warmers and headband, I'm going to be sure to stand in the doorway of Jazzercise and yell, "HAMMY!!" so that everyone knows she's with me. With my pants-free self.

Where am I gonna find a June Gardens-John shirt?

Okay, so I have a goal. And by the way, thanks to everyone who put tips in my tip jar. I feel slimy having it, but you have lightened my load considerably about how in the Sam Hill Ima pay my deductible for that stupid MRI. It had better be the most enjoyable MRI ever in the history of time. Barry Gibb had better have taken on a new career as an MRI technician. Is what I am saying to you.

Okay, really going. To get my cranberry tights.

 

195 thoughts on “Brick house of pain”

  1. I’m so sorry you’re in the middle of this shit-storm right now. When it rains, it pours, right? I’m crossing my fingers that things will get better for you very, very soon! 🙂

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  2. Reading along–and, suddenly, it’s all about me:
    In 1986 I was an avid Jazzerciser with an undiagnosed ovarian cyst and galloping endometriosis. Jump ahead six months and I’m recovering from abdominal hysterectomy, am having trouble standing up straight yet, and am in violent Jazzercise withdrawal. And determined to be a dance athlete. Dammit.
    Jump ahead six months and I’m a 39 yr. old, brand new, certified Jazzercise Instructor. Jump ahead a few years and I’m the fittest I’ve been in my life. The Air Force has taken our family to Alaska, where Jazzercise is the lifeline of Eagle River, the antidote to too cold, too dark, too depressing. Friends, lights, music, spandex! A headband collection! A microphone!
    I was fabulous.
    Conclusion: After the feeling of helplessness, after the funk, after the surgeries, Jazzercise is the best revenge.

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  3. Andrea, can you tell about the uterine blow-torch procedure? I am considering it but heard it only works about half the time, and is messy and painful to recover from.
    You may all be wondering why I’m so uterus-fixated in my comments. It’s because I’ve been in Shark Week for a couple of years and am getting desperate.
    Someone called me “Unruly Harried.” Hee hee. That’s great.

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  4. Chief! I thought that is a no no word to lesbians?

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  5. There is a Kitchen-Dick Rd near Sequim, WA. That’s one of my favorites. I like Dike Access Rd in southern WA too but am forever wanting to change that “i” to a “y”.

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  6. PJ who is waiting for the Saturday post about the Friday MRI tunnel of fun, the barrel of laughs, the crypt of claustrophobia. says:

    There are two streets near me, one named Tranquil, the next street over is Hassle. How tell me, which one would you rather live on?

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  7. Dawn, I love it! Bison Ct! Before we moved, our old neighborhood was trees. That one was huge. We were on Tamarack, which tells you how they were scraping the bottom of the tree barrel.
    Everyday I pass a street named No Way. I think it must spark a lot of Who’s on Firsts. “I need your address.” “No Way.” “But, can’t you just tell me where you live?” “NO WAY!”

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  8. Dawn, I love it! Bison Ct! Before we moved, our old neighborhood was trees. That one was huge. We were on Tamarack, which tells you how they were scraping the bottom of the tree barrel.
    Everyday I pass a street named No Way. I think it must spark a lot of Who’s on Firsts. “I need your address.” “No Way.” “But, can’t you just tell me where you live?” “NO WAY!”

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  9. Dawn, I love it! Bison Ct! Before we moved, our old neighborhood was trees. That one was huge. We were on Tamarack, which tells you how they were scraping the bottom of the tree barrel.
    Everyday I pass a street named No Way. I think it must spark a lot of Who’s on Firsts. “I need your address.” “No Way.” “But, can’t you just tell me where you live?” “NO WAY!”

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  10. Fun Fact! My street is Trout Place. The rest of my neighborhood is Pike, Perch and Bass. The property originally belonged to the family of statesman Hamilton Fish. How droll.
    With Furry’s interpretation, I believe I now live on Shit Place. If she’s updating it junk food, then maybe I can live on Little Debbie Snack Cakes Place. Reeses Pieces Places.

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  11. Fun Fact! My street is Trout Place. The rest of my neighborhood is Pike, Perch and Bass. The property originally belonged to the family of statesman Hamilton Fish. How droll.
    With Furry’s interpretation, I believe I now live on Shit Place. If she’s updating it junk food, then maybe I can live on Little Debbie Snack Cakes Place. Reeses Pieces Places.

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  12. Fun Fact! My street is Trout Place. The rest of my neighborhood is Pike, Perch and Bass. The property originally belonged to the family of statesman Hamilton Fish. How droll.
    With Furry’s interpretation, I believe I now live on Shit Place. If she’s updating it junk food, then maybe I can live on Little Debbie Snack Cakes Place. Reeses Pieces Places.

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  13. I think you should hang stockings in the shower (knowing his hatred of all things related to feet), and then pee on his side of the bed.

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  14. June — I knew he was an ass the first time he tried to make a move during a migraine.
    That aside, if your doctor suggests you have your uterus seared to a crisp instead of taking it out, email me. I had that done two years ago. They fried it right in me. I went from having 32 days of bleeding and being anemic to barely spotting once a month. Honey, let’s talk.

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  15. June, I’m a long-time reader, but this is my first time commenting. I just wanted to let you know I hurt for you. I went through a very similar situation 8 years ago (right down to similar asshat comments from my husband-at-the-time). It all sucks (but it won’t forever, I promise!). Just remember to breathe. And come here to connect with your friends and fans often- to vent, to laugh, to be distracted for a while. We’re all here for you, whether we are “visible” or not.

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  16. Packing is good, it’s one of the things that makes you want to cry. It’s just a THING,don’t dwell on it. Edsel… Lu… Fran…Barry G.
    Furrylinguous…is that how you intended to spell it? Seems like an extra u.
    Peace and love, June.

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  17. Alamy, who just realized she told Mom stories two days in a row. What's up with that? I need to go call her, I guess. says:

    I am so sorry you are having to go through this. What made him pack now? Do you think he read the comments and decided he was being kind of a douche?
    My mom did Jazzercise BEFORE VCR’s! She had a Jazzercise LP! and would Jazzercise like crazy in the living room. with legwarmers.

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  18. Kimber wishes she could do something good for you, but she'll settle for echoing all the things everyone else is saying. says:

    Wish I could think of something funny to say … jeez, this sucks. Hope that your gang of virtual pals is some comfort to you.
    On the lenten sinning thing … I’m not doing so great. Thanks for the rundown, Furry. Indulging in a deadly sin a day is tough when you’re busy. BEING FREAKING AWESOME. (So, that’s pride and I’m done for today.)

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  19. Thinking of you so frequently these days, June…wishing there was some way to help make it better. This whole situation makes me sad for you, yet I have faith that there are brighter days ahead.

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  20. Goodnight in heaven….500 bucks a month.
    Really? OUCH.
    Well , it will be worth 900 bucks to know you don’t have cancer either…..but make dang sure they can guarantee you that they will be able to tell from this 900 dollar whale of a test and not have to do more.
    What happened to the ol’ scraper,swab and slide? Gosh, 10 bucks….now they have to have superman in a tube look at you . (sarcasm ) I don’t know where the snark mark is.

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  21. Are you having to give him some of the furniture? I hope your dad gets there soon. I hate this for you.

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  22. I am not on Marvins insurance. It costs almost 500 bucks a month to be on his teachers insurance. Is that insane? I am COBRA-ing, and I have not used any of my deductible this year, which is why this thing is going to cost so much. It will take all of my deductible. For the record, I JUST paid off the stupid MRI I had in 2008 for the brain tumor I ended up not having. That one was 1200 dollars because he did two kinds of tests.

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  23. Will Marvin’s insurance cover some of the 900 needed for copay?
    I thought maybe you kept paying (C0BRA) your insurance from the former job and it was the insurance not covering it. Don’t want to get in your business..but something to think about ….his insurance covering you.
    I got where Furry was headed , that’s why I thought it was so brilliant.

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  24. Oh, Junie.
    I understood Furry, too. Only I got nervous because my address is Trout and what that means in Furryese. Furryspeak.

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  25. Oh, Junie.
    I understood Furry, too. Only I got nervous because my address is Trout and what that means in Furryese. Furryspeak.

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  26. Oh, Junie.
    I understood Furry, too. Only I got nervous because my address is Trout and what that means in Furryese. Furryspeak.

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  27. Edsel is fantastically faithful; hug him tight. You’ll be okay.

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  28. I tried to insert curse words for Furry’s fish references in her story but got lost.

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  29. Thanks Hulk. I thought I was the only one that couldn’t understand Furry.
    Junie, I’m sure you are exhausted by all of our unsolicited advice. Just an observation.
    It.all.started.with.the.car.

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  30. I wish Fur-Dog was swearing…she’s starting to sound as loony as Cosmo’s Dad…

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  31. Texas Kari who is just so SAD about the Gardens' marriage. Is anyone going with you to the MRI tomorrow? Methinks you need some moral support for your time in the chamber of clostrophobia says:

    I’ve have done all that googling of girly diseases related to the magic wand test.
    Q: Who hearts the symptom checker?
    A: Texas Kari!
    I’ve said before that WebMD is my BFF and I’m not kidding. That symptom checker feature rocks. I KNOW better than to drive myself silly with the too much information thing, but when I have insomnia from fretting, I just feel LURED to the computer.
    I will tell you, June, what my friends tell me: STOP GOOGLING DISEASES! And now you may begin ignoring my advice.

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  32. Texas Kari who is just so SAD about the Gardens' marriage. Is anyone going with you to the MRI tomorrow? Methinks you need some moral support for your time in the chamber of clostrophobia says:

    I’ve have done all that googling of girly diseases related to the magic wand test.
    Q: Who hearts the symptom checker?
    A: Texas Kari!
    I’ve said before that WebMD is my BFF and I’m not kidding. That symptom checker feature rocks. I KNOW better than to drive myself silly with the too much information thing, but when I have insomnia from fretting, I just feel LURED to the computer.
    I will tell you, June, what my friends tell me: STOP GOOGLING DISEASES! And now you may begin ignoring my advice.

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  33. Texas Kari who is just so SAD about the Gardens' marriage. Is anyone going with you to the MRI tomorrow? Methinks you need some moral support for your time in the chamber of clostrophobia says:

    I’ve have done all that googling of girly diseases related to the magic wand test.
    Q: Who hearts the symptom checker?
    A: Texas Kari!
    I’ve said before that WebMD is my BFF and I’m not kidding. That symptom checker feature rocks. I KNOW better than to drive myself silly with the too much information thing, but when I have insomnia from fretting, I just feel LURED to the computer.
    I will tell you, June, what my friends tell me: STOP GOOGLING DISEASES! And now you may begin ignoring my advice.

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  34. June, your post today describes any number of nightmares I have had about dh leaving me. Though we have actually been divorced from each other and that isn’t how it went down in reality.
    Whistling in the shower – any chance this is an unconscious, tic-like thing? As someone whose father whistled during my father-in-law’s funeral just a few weeks back, I know it is sometimes something people just DO without thinking about.
    You have to let yourself feel your emotions, but keep your pride intact at the same time. Not easy sometimes.
    Today’s comments are truly the funniest ever, what a loyal group of friends you have here (and boy, they have a lot of creative rage . . .!)

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  35. Oh whew, for a second there I thought you’d be one of those sister wives. Wait no, that would be more like a brother husband. Eeek, two husbands? Only if one was like super rich. And the other Jason Statham. But he is super rich. So there you go, I’m back to one.

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  36. Marvin is an ass. My ex moved out a month before I was diagnosed with breast cancer. He did not offer to come back. However he did stay married to me for THREE FRICKIN YEARS…when I finally asked him why he had not filed for divorce, he said it was in case I needed his (crappy) insurance. I told him NO and to please file immediately. It hurt like hell to find out he didn’t still love me but just “felt guilty”….Tell Marvin to speed it up….Your friends will get you through a broken heart and surgery….

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  37. Mrs. Oh, your diabetes is not even the biggest issue. Need I remind you of your ohhhh, I dont know, HEART ATTACK? This recipe calls for like 49 sticks of butter.

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  38. Cause I’m Canadian and we’re allowed to have more than one spouse! Noe, I’m just kidding (I mean, would anybody really want more than one????) .. I screwed up the tenses in that comment. We were legally separated but after Dave proposed I had to call my ex and ask for a divorce so I could remarry.
    Did somebody say cake???

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  39. I love BBP and think the tip jar should stay…..always. And am so glad Last Standing asked the questions I wanted to ask. And now I want cake…..

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  40. I think this is my 2nd comment ever. Mostly b/c I’m not as funny as you or your other commenters. 🙂 But a few things….
    1. Why is Marvin still there? I think that as soon as you say “I’m leaving”, you should kinda, I don’t know, LEAVE. He is having his cake and eating it too by staying there to whistle in the shower while he apartment hunts.
    2. My mom had fibroids (had all of your symptoms from what you described) and a hysterectomy. And I’m jealous. Seriously. No periods forever.

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  41. Okay. Sachertorte is chocolate cake, the fancy kind. Let’s hear about the Matze ball cake though.
    Hulk, if you keep this up, someone is going to start a fan club for you. Wonderful words today, sir!

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  42. Yes Cathy, how were you able to marry before a divorce? Good eye Hulk.
    I don’t think June is just giving up Henry and Winston. I think she’s doing it as a courtesy to her dad who is coming to help her out. As someone who is allergic to cats I know how miserable it can be, even with meds.

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  43. I have enjoyed June and Marvin as a couple. Am I the only one hoping for a Anniston/Pitt reconciliation? Plus I’m nosy. Has Marvin actually said D I V O R C E? How about Junie? You seem to be against the break-up.
    But are you? Will you stay in N.C.? Are you hoping to work it out? Do you want us to hope for you? Or do you want us to point out Marvin’s boorish behavior? Because we are here for you.
    Last question. Is it Marvin’s habit to whistle?
    Keep the tip jar. Lose the silly worry about it.

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  44. Now I want to know about this cake. I am from Germany and have been to Austria before. Is ist Sachertorte? Matzekatze? Kann ich auch ein Rezept haben?

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  45. Unruly Harried, the best way I can explain my own situation (without, hopefully, making Hulk’s eyes bleed) is, getting rid of the insides made me feel physically and emotionally fan-freaking-tastic for the first time since before puberty. And when you feel good on the inside and out, everything gets better!

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  46. Well now I’m noe Mormon, but did you say you got married before you got divorced?
    My sweet moment came when a girlfriend cheated on me with another guy, then married him (see: my life story), then cheated on HIM with another guy. And when I saw the guy she cheated on me with and he told me what happened, I said “Well Kev, I guess what goes around comes around, eh?”

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  47. YES Linda, yes!
    That very thing happened to me!
    My husband dumped me after 19 years of marriage… six years later, I marry a younger, taller, handsomer, nicer, more handy MAN, better than him in ALL ways (wink, nudge) and when I call my ex to say I want a divorce (we were just legally separated), he starts to BAWL like a baby! He says, “I was hoping that some day you and Dave would break up and you’d come back to me.”
    BUAHAHAHAHAHAHA! It is still one of the SWEETEST moments of my life!!!!

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  48. A man who wants a baby otter? I’ve never met a man like this. Very interesting.
    June, I feel like Marvin’s whistling in the shower and his verbal response to you were both mean. As a Jew, I’d like to say he’s making My People look bad right now.
    And I know we seem to be done with the uterii topic for the moment, but I continue to be confused as to how some women say their hysterectomy didn’t affect, or improved, their sex life, and others say it devastated theirs. Sigh. Why can’t anything be simple?

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  49. Why do I feel like Marvin was never truly committed to the relationship since the reconciliation last fall? I agree with everyone that Marvin’s “don’t get your hopes up” comment was cruel in an attempt to be kind. I hope that by the time he finds that the grass is not greener, you will have found some greener pastures of your own and can return the favor with a comment like that to him.

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  50. Obviously, Marvy is putting himself first, and has no problem doing so. For someone like you who is generous to a fault, it is probably hard to put yourself first…now is the time to get over that…

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  51. I think Marvin was actually trying to do the right thing by offering to stay through your recovery… can you imagine what a schmuck he’d be if he just buggered off without offering? And as hurtful as his comment was, it sounded somewhat honest. Don’t get me wrong – I still think he’s a total JERK for wanting to leave. WTF ever happened to “till death do we part?” Is he dead? I’m so tired of hearing people give up – yes, there are reasons to leave – like if somebody beats their partner or abuses them in some way. Generally, though, too many people just give up and walk away because they have realized life is short and they see greener pastures ahead – till death do we part bedamned. Regardless, he should NOT be there. I’m glad he’s leaving for April 1 rather than May 1. The sooner he gets out, the sooner you can start reclaiming your life.

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  52. I live in fear of your April 1st phone call after the year you told me that a friend and her husband were splitting up and she had started seeing an ex, and then a few years later that exact thing happened. With the exact ex. Scary stuff girlfriend!

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  53. Dear Sleeping,
     
    It is on the right column, at the top. My father said I should also add a spitoon for people who hate the tip jar. hows your knocked-upedness going?
     
    XO,
    June
     
    P.S. Dear Marzipan, or however you spell your name there in Austria. I got your recipe and I swear I am going to make this cake. Cholesterol be damned! It looks delicious!

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  54. I have to say that I agree with Saundra and June – I think Marvin was probably trying to be gently straightforward and honest so as to not give her false hope. However, I also think that he should move out IMMEDIATELY.
    Having a spouse you know is leaving, but is still around all the time, is like having someone die and still being confronted with the corpse every day. It’s impossible to begin healing that way.
    Beauty – the tip jar is a tiny little link on the upper right hand side of the blog.
    June – please don’t feel slimy about putting that up there – we begged for it! It’s not as though you’re threatening to close down your blog if we don’t show you some monetary appreciation.

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  55. an austrian cake recipe is in ur mailbox,june, i hope…should make u laugh haha
    and no, there are no wombats and no kangaroos in austria 😦 i just tried to confuse u guys, american people always mix up austria and australia but i have obviously underestimated the bye bye pie crowd, u are too smart 😉
    we have otters….but not enough…and i really want an otter baby sooooo bad 😛

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