June's stupid life · Proofreading/Copy editing

Hire me and my Meridith Baxter hair

HiremeI am sitting here in my interview suit, like that's just something you sit around the house in, as though I were starring in a Lifetime Television for Women movie. Which I kind of am, lately.

She Loved Her Pets Too Much, starring June Mint.

Her Hair Was Stupid, featuring June NotGardens.

Not With MY Red Pen, You Don't! Guest Starring June NoName, based on the novel Push by Sapphire.

(Hello, Faithful Reader TwelveDays.)

What should my new last name be?

Anyway, I think my interview went well. I think this because two of the three people I met with said, "You have all of the qualifications we're looking for." The other one said, "You totally suck but you're a hottie."

What if that had happened for real? Sadly, I would have been excited to be called a hottie, I think.

Anyway, they said they'd let me know next week, possibly, so I am thinking maybe I'll just hang around the office till I get an answer. What say you? Sane? Maybe I could just start putting up my Barry Gibb posters in an empty cube.

Also, because I know you want me to mention it more, I thought I had finally finished that hutch. I went out and bought new handles for it, I painted it AGAIN (I KNOW!) (nothing in the history of time has as many coats as that hutch. Burlington Coat Factory called, asked if they could buy me out, I have so many coats on this hutch. Joseph called. Wants to trade his technicolor dreamcoat).

(We're talking a lot of coats.)

And those new handles? People have spent less time buying condos in Manhattan than I did selecting the handles for this thing. You'd have thought it was the King of Prussia's drawers I was getting handles for. I have no idea if there is such a thing as a King of Prussia or if that is just a city somewhere.

Handle 
Here is a fairly clear photo of the dog, and a really blurry shot of the handle, which is just what you wanted. I hate myself. And note the white effing paint of the deck.

Also? Last night? After I thought I was done painting? I took all the paint and rollers and trays and brushes and stirrers and cans and can openers and drop cloths and easels and paint chips and tape and berets and French music and nude models and poodles and existentialism and decided to carry it all into the shed at once.

Guess who dropped the paint ALL OVER HER FOOT once she got to the shed? The night before her interview? I look like I have vitiligo.

Then this morning, I DRAGGED that hutch into the dining room BY MYSELF, BEFORE MY INTERVIEW, just because I was so dying to see it finished and in the room it was supposed to be, and I stepped back to admire my work?

I forgot to paint the feet.

I painted MY OWN FOOT, but after the first coat of primer and paint, I FORGOT TO PAINT THE $##@#$$%&#&# FEET. So now I have to go to the $(#(#$*$_@ shed, get what's left of that can I spilled, get the brushes and drop cloth and poodles and French mustache and cheese and PAINT AGAIN TODAY and COULD SOMEONE KILL ME PLEASE?

Merde.

Will someone remind me not to take on projects in the future? This is why God invented hiring people to do things. This is why God invented crafty folk. This is why God invented my friend Laurie.

Okay, I am going to paint in my interview suit, and I am just saying that to make the humorless among you have 80 fits. Really I am going to walk around my house with my arms crossed, looking out windows like they do on Lifetime, until Ted McGinley shows up.

132 thoughts on “Hire me and my Meridith Baxter hair

  1. I, for one, would LOVE to hear more about Uncle Bill. There’s more to life than lanky after all.
    Oh, and June. You spelled Meredith wrong. I once knew a girl named Merideth who loved her way of spelling her name because there was no Edith in it, which is an old lady name. According to Merideth. Which if you dissect her name you realize it’s Meri-Deth. How is that better, I wondered? Happy Death? But I was too kind to mention it. Until now.

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  2. Steve’s Wife, Beth is the Bye, Bye Pie historian. She knows the exact date and topic of every post!
    She’s awesome and sometimes she even puts links!! Yay for Beth!

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  3. June Sheen.
    Oh and also, because only you can appreciate this, I have taken hypochondria to a new level today. What started out as a mildly annoying burning sensation in my upper arm morphed into (in my own mind) a blood clot, resulting in a 3 hour stint in the ER waiting room, which I walked out of eventually because it was time to get my kids from school. Now the burning is gone but I have had every other symptom known to man and am trying to convince myself that A. I do not have MS and B. That I do NOT need to go to the ER tonight.
    Utter ridiculousness.
    And only you will appreciate this.

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  4. I don’t know Letha, there just seems to be so many ways June could get into t.r.o.u.b.l.e on the road starting in Florida, ending in Oregon, and all the states in between. I’d sure love to read about it though.

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  5. Going with the Monopoly theme of hewhomustnotbenamed I came up with this
    June Mayfair
    ? you say. Boardwalk is the best piece of property, but that just didn’t have a nice ring to it so in the UK version Boardwalk is equal to Mayfair. I went with the UK version because of the Gibb association (at least according to Wikipedia).

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  6. Amish Annie doesn't know why June would be running from the law but there had to be a plot somewhere in there, even if it is jsut a craptastic Lifetime movie. Ooohh, can. says:

    “June Trucker”, an original Lifetime movie inspired by the actual events of a woman tasting freedom of the wide open road, visiting her impressive list of blog followers all the while running from the law.

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  7. Amish Annie doesn't know why June would be running from the law but there had to be a plot somewhere in there, even if it is jsut a craptastic Lifetime movie. Ooohh, can. says:

    “June Trucker”, an original Lifetime movie inspired by the actual events of a woman tasting freedom of the wide open road, visiting her impressive list of blog followers all the while running from the law.

    Like

  8. Amish Annie doesn't know why June would be running from the law but there had to be a plot somewhere in there, even if it is jsut a craptastic Lifetime movie. Ooohh, can. says:

    “June Trucker”, an original Lifetime movie inspired by the actual events of a woman tasting freedom of the wide open road, visiting her impressive list of blog followers all the while running from the law.

    Like

  9. i’m pondering completely changing my last name back to something from my heritage. since i’m 75% irish that’s what i’m looking into. the jerk’s name should stop with him.
    just saying.
    i’m gonna change my name for awhile.

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  10. June Flowers because you will definitely bloom in the next chapter of your life.

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  11. Uncle Bill, I am sorry I told a story about Uncle Leo and not you. Perhaps I could be June Death Parade. And see, there is a story I will have to tell about Uncle Bill.

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  12. For those who sleep in their gardens, there’s June Napper. That’s nearly as funny as “Aw nuts.” But then again, I’m not soooo lanky.

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  13. I’m trying to be all positive and supportive about this name change business. But what’s a step up from June Gardens? All I can come up with is June Landscapes.
    June Terraforms?
    I’m not very good at this game.

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  14. Karla, I kept my married name after the divorce and also after the new marriage. Linda Lee had such a nice, superhero-ish ring to it, I couldn’t give it up. I used to tell people I married him for the name.
    June Better-homes-and-gardens.

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  15. I was going to suggest “June Flowers”…but was sure someone else would think of that too..yes they did! When I think of you, June, it is in that cute cottage-ish house with a picket fence and flowers that bloom year round.
    And Flowers is so “blooming” cute and girly and Spring-like and adventurous and colorful, and and ..everything you seem to be.

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