Today's Pieces of Wisdom topic is a deep and important one, as per usual, but before I begin, I must tell you some things, of course, because I never shut up.
I was walking the dogs (and who has had to learn to walk both dogs by herself? Is it awful? Is it almost 90 pounds of misbehavior on two strands of leather?) the other day, and of course I passed the Three Loud Blonde Children down the street.
"HI, LALULLAH!" they shouted, as they always do. Then, "HI, ETHEL!"
Poor Edsel. How humiliatin'.
You can see it even disturbs his rest, considering that he might be a woman now. And Lucy's sidekick, to boot. Oh, and what's that on the pillow between them? COULD IT BE WHITE PAINT? Is there paint EVERYWHERE?
I blame Ethel. He kept WALKING past me and getting bits on his transitioning costar claws.
The other thing I have to tell you is I have another job interview today. I know! For a whole 'nother job. I had a phone interview with this place about two weeks ago and was certain I blew it. First of all, I was still completely anemic and fell asleep waiting for their call time. So I had the personality of a slug when the phone rang.
Then they asked, "What would be the biggest challenge for you in this position?" and I said, truthfully, "Probably the writing" because I have done writing the least in my jobs. People think copy editing has something to do with actual writing but it usually doesn't.
Anyway after I hung up, I looked at the job description again, and the first two bullet points about the job were writing things.
I have no idea why they are interviewing me today, unless the other 16 people they called were all Heidi Montag or Snooki or something. And yes, I did ask. They called 16 people. Maybe they had me confused with someone else.
But enough about me. I'd say 13 introductory paragraphs ought to do it. Yeesch. Today we are discussing my pal Hulk, who is single. Single single single.
His hair does not really do that. He is wearing a June wig. I am wearing a "my mom" wig. It was Halloween.
Hulk and I went to high school together, and met on the newspaper staff. I do not mean we were both sitting on a large rod made of newspaper, but maybe no one else got that visual and there is something deeply wrong with me.
At any rate, he lives in my hometown, God help him, and has a good job, which about seven people in my hometown can still say. Hulk has been divorced for two years, and he is 44.
He has one daughter, Hulkette, and I do not know what to tell you about his taste in child names.
So here is the deal. He is not meeting the womenses.
Hulk goes to work extra super early so he can get home early in order to spend time with his daughter, which makes him a good person right there, and kind of helps negate the part where he is a Republican. After he takes his daughter back to his ex-wife's house, he told me he usually watches TV and goes to bed.
Wooooo! Hulk loves the nightlife! He's got to boogie! But keep in mind he gets up super extra early for work.
On big exciting nights, when there is a SPORTING EVENT (sigh), he and his friends go to some sports tavern and watch sports together there, until maybe 10:30. He has not met any quality women in this environment.
Here's where my valued Pieces of Wisdom pals (i.e., yentas) come in. How can we fix Hulk's life so he can meet a woman? Girlfriend is 44. He's not gonna put on his medallion and go dancing at night. What sorts of things can we tell him to do to meet women who are, you know, intelligent and well-rounded and healthy? And not hanging at sports bars in their middle age in order to meet men?
(In six months I will totally be blogging about my new hang, Sports R Us, and how I met John Rambo there, won't I?)
(And I realize some women like sports and would be at sports bars to WATCH sports, as Hulk is, so no one take offense, please.) (Trust me, if there were Royal Wedding bars, I'd be in one every night.)
Okay, I'm going now and await your wisdom. I have to get into that interview suit again and hope there isn't white paint on it. And by the way, since I took everything out of that hutch, I am finding all sorts of things. Some of you have sent me photos of relatives you don't know, since you know I like to collect old photos of people I don't know, and this photo just fell out of a pile today, I swear:
Okay, help Hulk. If he gets married as a result of us we are all invited to his wedding. I forgot to tell you that part, Hulk.