In which faithful readers encourage me to be a terrible cat mom

The home vet came today, to check on Francis.

I have to have a vet come to the house to see Francis, because he is insane, and you simply cannot work on him at a regular vet's office. He gets all puffy, and growly, and fangy, and then he JUMPS at your throat in the most alarming manner and you just want to throw him out onto Ventura Boulevard on the drive home.

I use this example because that is pretty much the last place I lived when I took Fran to the regular vet, was Los Angeles in the Valley, which tells you it was not even the year 2000 yet. It was last century. That last time, they screamed at me, "LEAVE THE ROOM!" as he was headed for my jugular like I was in a Twilight movie, and I stood in the lobby and shook while I heard crashing and shouting and a cat speaking in tongues.

After that they told me I could never bring him there again.

Now a vet comes over in this enormous van filled with instruments, including these hawk gloves that she makes me put on so I can stroke my murdersome beast while she shoots a tranquilizer into his evil behind part.

Seriously, you should see these gloves. They go up to my shoulders, and they are 40 inches thick. I could stand outside and call vultures over and they could talon me all they wanted and I'd feel nothing. Except the part where they'd try to idly pick out my eyeballs.

The vet came to make sure he's getting better, as he has irritable bowel syndrome, which is a surprise because he is so unirritable about everything else. She will have his bloodwork back tomorrow, but in the meantime I'm afraid I took advantage of the fact that he is passed out on my bathroom floor.

Even worse? Faithful Reader Paula H&B sent me PROPS for just this occasion. Where she found these ridiculous items, I will never know. And yes, I do understand that Francis will idly peck at my eyeballs like a vulture someday.

And I will deserve it.

Glasses
Because not only is he passed out, this time he's passed out with his tongue hanging. Which somehow makes it even meaner that I put Ben Franklin spectacles on him.

Worsecatmomever
But this fedora restored his dignity, no?

Harpo
What if I gave him Harpo Marx hair? Laugh and the world laughs with you, Fran.

Zzzzzz
"leeve fran alone, bad mom. having seeesta."

I'm sorry, Francis. It's terrible of me to take advantage of your passed-out self. You can't help it you're a tad…high-strung and it costs me an extra HUNDRED BUCKS whenever you get sick. But mom's not resentful. She won't take it out on you any more.

Chas
…Uncle Charlie. (heeeeeeeeeeee)

 

103 thoughts on “In which faithful readers encourage me to be a terrible cat mom

  1. This is the funniest thing I’ve seen in a long time! I’ve had a hideous day at work and I desperately needed to laugh.
    I’m sorry it was at poor Fran’s expense but Gawd that was funny!

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  2. June, why didn’t you have Ray Charles sunglasses for Fran? They, too, would have been hysterical. Maybe for the next vet visit.

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  3. Absolutely perfect! June, your photography skills took a giant leap forward with this post and thanks be to all that is holy! I laughed my laptop right off my, well, LAP. And I. Did. Not. Care!
    That last shot will haunt me all the days of my life. That is the face of revenge. Cold, bloody, murderous revenge!

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  4. Oh, geez! Now Furry knows I didn’t read the comments first! But my laptop really DID fall off my lap! It must be a common laughing hazard. Like people say “I laughed so hard I PEED MY PANTS!” Oh, wait…

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  5. I’m at my local after work place…laughing my you know what off…remind me when I get home. That was so worth uping my subscription.

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  6. His giant, dilated eyeballs scare the living carp out of me. Like he’s Francis Cullen. Without the abs or killer hair.

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  7. Poor Fran.
    STOP IT! My sides hurt I’ve laughed so hard. Those dilated eyes, in that last photo, look just like he is about to pounce on his prey (perhaps June). My suggestion is don’t close your eyes after he sobers up from this humiliating ordeal.
    This post ranks right up there with the one when Lula was running wild in the neighborhood.

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  8. Hey, DuffyLou! I have a neighbor up the street that has TWO life-sized geese that she dresses seasonally. Right now, they are still in their green “St. Paddy’s Day” outfits. They reside in a plexiglass box, perched on the fence by their gate, so that everyone can see them in all their splendor as they drive by. Very strange thing to do with plastic geese.

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  9. Duffylou, my husband is from Ohio and it’s quite common there to have the outfitted goose. I had one for the first 14 years we were married. She had all the outfits! I put her on Craigslist for free with her box of clothes and she was gone in 20 minutes!

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  10. I totally thought you were making a Tom Petty reference with your mention of throwing Francis out onto Ventura Blvd. You know, in “Free Falling”?
    “All the vampires walking through the valley, move west down Ventura Boulevard” …since you said Francis was all fangy and vampire-esque.

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  11. You people with your dressed up geese are rank amateurs.
    My mother has a 6 foot tall stuffed bear in her entry way that gets dressed up for every occasion. Someone in the family getting married? Well, the bear becomes a bride. Mardi Gras? He has a mask and lots of beads. Sometimes he’s a male bear, and sometimes he’s a lady bear.
    He has a whole section of a closet with all his outfits and accessories.
    It’s rather startling the first time you go over there and see the bear with his arms stretched out at you right when you walk in!

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  12. I must say Francis is dear to me – my Grandpa was Francis, he passed at a young 96 labor day 2009, after a fine dinner including 2 Manhattans and a filet. I was there, as was my son, his 1st great grandchild, who shares Francis as a middle name.

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  13. Oh poor Frannie. Maybe I can find a Hugh Hefner robe.
    I’m going out of town next week but will try to get the Uggs upon my return. Also I think an airline-sized liquor bottle is a necessary prop. Maybe some Mardi Gras beads. And who suggested the sexy corset? From their lips to God’s ears…

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  14. Oh poor Frannie. Maybe I can find a Hugh Hefner robe.
    I’m going out of town next week but will try to get the Uggs upon my return. Also I think an airline-sized liquor bottle is a necessary prop. Maybe some Mardi Gras beads. And who suggested the sexy corset? From their lips to God’s ears…

    Like

  15. Oh poor Frannie. Maybe I can find a Hugh Hefner robe.
    I’m going out of town next week but will try to get the Uggs upon my return. Also I think an airline-sized liquor bottle is a necessary prop. Maybe some Mardi Gras beads. And who suggested the sexy corset? From their lips to God’s ears…

    Like

  16. You need to find a toy piano and sunglasses for the next vet visit. Francis Ray Charles.
    Lisa Pie, the vision of your mother’s bear cracked me up. Glad I didn’t have a mouthful of hot coffee or it would have spewed.

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  17. June, all joking aside. I’m sorry that Fran’s blood work was not up to par. Is that all the vet said?

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  18. I just paid an obscene amount of money to be able to access the Internet via satellite from a cruise ship, and Fran’s photos made it worth EVERY PENNY! You never disappoint, June!

    Like

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