I watched it happen. It was like slow motion, if slow motion happened really fast.
Tallulah was all cuddling up with me this morning, and I was hugging her big neckeldy. Edsel was at the foot of the bed, because he's, you know, beta dog or whatever. I watched him get up and I SAW the thoughts form in his pea brain.
"heer Talu butt. it rite in front of me. hay! i could hump talu! i could get rite on her and–"
Oh. Was that a mistake. You have never seen a…husky girl move so fast in your life. She went from being all happy and cuddly with me to WHIPPING around and showing Edsel her Pit Bull teef. There was no Beagle left. There was no spiritual Tibetan spaniel in her right then. No.
She was all Pit Bull, all the time.
And she said, "ROWR ROWR ROWR ROWR RRRRRRRRR!" in this toofy fishwife voice that I am sure translated to terrible dog swear words.
Edsel was all, "yes, ma'am. edsel sorry, ma'am. never hump again, miss lu."
This transgression seems to have been overlooked and they are back to their important task of shedding on the couch and barking at everyone who has the gall to walk by. Note, however, that Edsel is in his proper place on the lower level.
So other than that Ozarks moment brought to you by my pets, NOTHING HAS HAPPENED over here. WHY HAS NO ONE CALLED ME TO GIVE ME A JOB?
The only thing that has happened is my surgeon called to say he was supposed to do a C-section at 7:30 a.m. the day of my conveniently scheduled 10:30 surgery, but the idiot who was having a C-section had her BABY EARLY, so now I have to have MY surgery at 7:30, which means I have to get there at like 1 a.m. or something. So they can "prep" me. I shudder to think.
So THANKS, person who had her baby early. Nice popping out of your kid. What about MY needs? GOD.
Other than selfish selfish women who have babies when I am trying to sleep in and have 10:30 surgeries, I need your Pieces of Wisdom help.
I have no idea what to eat.
I don't mean the day of my surgery, on which I can eat nothing. I mean for the rest of my life. Marvin was the only cook in this house, and when I was single, I did not realize that processed food has MSG in it, which gave me migraines.
So now that Marvin is leaving and I realize I cannot eat soup, most cereal, certain yogurt, and not even rice cakes, (which I happen to love) because they all have MSG (check the label. They say creative things other than monosodium glutamate, usually, because most people know that means MSG. But if the label says modified food starch? That's MSG. Also? maltodextrin? It's a preservative and it also gives people migraines), I am stumped for what to consume. Other than gardening catalogs, which is my new porn. But that's a whole 'nother post.
So I do not know how to cook, I can't eat processed food, and Marvin my cook is leaving. I can starve to death or I can take your suggestions.
What can I eat?? Yes, that required two question marks.