Pieces of Wisdom: What’s to Eat?

I watched it happen. It was like slow motion, if slow motion happened really fast.

Tallulah was all cuddling up with me this morning, and I was hugging her big neckeldy. Edsel was at the foot of the bed, because he's, you know, beta dog or whatever. I watched him get up and I SAW the thoughts form in his pea brain.

"heer Talu butt. it rite in front of me. hay! i could hump talu! i could get rite on her and–"

Oh. Was that a mistake. You have never seen a…husky girl move so fast in your life. She went from being all happy and cuddly with me to WHIPPING around and showing Edsel her Pit Bull teef. There was no Beagle left. There was no spiritual Tibetan spaniel in her right then. No.

She was all Pit Bull, all the time.

And she said, "ROWR ROWR ROWR ROWR RRRRRRRRR!" in this toofy fishwife voice that I am sure translated to terrible dog swear words.

Edsel was all, "yes, ma'am. edsel sorry, ma'am. never hump again, miss lu."

Goodness.

Forgive
This transgression seems to have been overlooked and they are back to their important task of shedding on the couch and barking at everyone who has the gall to walk by. Note, however, that Edsel is in his proper place on the lower level.

So other than that Ozarks moment brought to you by my pets, NOTHING HAS HAPPENED over here. WHY HAS NO ONE CALLED ME TO GIVE ME A JOB?

Irritated.

The only thing that has happened is my surgeon called to say he was supposed to do a C-section at 7:30 a.m. the day of my conveniently scheduled 10:30 surgery, but the idiot who was having a C-section had her BABY EARLY, so now I have to have MY surgery at 7:30, which means I have to get there at like 1 a.m. or something. So they can "prep" me. I shudder to think.

So THANKS, person who had her baby early. Nice popping out of your kid. What about MY needs? GOD.

Other than selfish selfish women who have babies when I am trying to sleep in and have 10:30 surgeries, I need your Pieces of Wisdom help.

I have no idea what to eat.

I don't mean the day of my surgery, on which I can eat nothing. I mean for the rest of my life. Marvin was the only cook in this house, and when I was single, I did not realize that processed food has MSG in it, which gave me migraines.

So now that Marvin is leaving and I realize I cannot eat soup, most cereal, certain yogurt, and not even rice cakes, (which I happen to love) because they all have MSG (check the label. They say creative things other than monosodium glutamate, usually, because most people know that means MSG. But if the label says modified food starch? That's MSG. Also? maltodextrin? It's a preservative and it also gives people migraines), I am stumped for what to consume. Other than gardening catalogs, which is my new porn. But that's a whole 'nother post.

So I do not know how to cook, I can't eat processed food, and Marvin my cook is leaving. I can starve to death or I can take your suggestions.

What can I eat?? Yes, that required two question marks.

285 thoughts on “Pieces of Wisdom: What’s to Eat?

  1. Something else to mention on Hulk’s match.com profile. Must love Seinfeld and be able to quote shows verbatim.

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  2. buy a crockpot ($20). make your own soup out of steak/chicken/pork bones, random chopped veggies, handfuls of rice, beans, etc. freeze in small batches. success!

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  3. I remembered the sponge worthy episdode and he recites every freaking line.
    Why is it you don’t have a girlfriend, Hulk?
    Do you call yourself Kramer in your head?

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  4. I’m enjoying the Seinfeld references!
    Another Junie food idea: get a whole chicken from the grocery store, take out all of the inside stuff (they usually have it all in a bag, just remove the bag) Roll up 5-6 tin foil balls. Put the balls in the bottom of the crockpot, chicken on top and season it with whatever, cook on high for as many hours as there are pounds in the chicken and you have yummy chicken meat for salads, sandwiches, snacking, etc!

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  5. I’m enjoying the Seinfeld references!
    Another Junie food idea: get a whole chicken from the grocery store, take out all of the inside stuff (they usually have it all in a bag, just remove the bag) Roll up 5-6 tin foil balls. Put the balls in the bottom of the crockpot, chicken on top and season it with whatever, cook on high for as many hours as there are pounds in the chicken and you have yummy chicken meat for salads, sandwiches, snacking, etc!

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  6. I’m enjoying the Seinfeld references!
    Another Junie food idea: get a whole chicken from the grocery store, take out all of the inside stuff (they usually have it all in a bag, just remove the bag) Roll up 5-6 tin foil balls. Put the balls in the bottom of the crockpot, chicken on top and season it with whatever, cook on high for as many hours as there are pounds in the chicken and you have yummy chicken meat for salads, sandwiches, snacking, etc!

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  7. Oh, Lisa, I heard something to the contrary on a science/health program. They claim if a man has a large belly and a small penis, his penis may get larger if he lost some of his belly fat.
    Can’t prove it by me, but that’s what they claimed.

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  8. Cookbooks I live by:
    1. The Joy of Cooking- It really is my bible
    2. The Moosewood Cookbook by Mollie Katzen- Wonderful, easy to prepare vegetarian food
    For premade or (minimally)processed foods, shop at a health food store or food co-op where there will be plenty of selection without offending ingredients.

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  9. June, Hulk needs a Seinfeld intervention. Is there a Seinfeld Anonymous near him? This is bad. He will NEVER get a date if he stays so obsessed with that damn show.
    Hulkie, baby, all girls do not love the Jerry quotes. Then again, if they don’t know from Seinfeld they won’t realize your using an extinct tv show for your small talk.

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  10. Can’t prove it by the dead uncle either. Although, even as a child, I kind of guessed if a guy had to talk about it THAT MUCH there probably wasn’t all that much to talk about.
    Unless, of course, the Ex is willing to voluntarily vouch for it… then you might just be “sponge-worthy”.
    (Have to admit another “sponge” came to mind first… the large square yellow one named “Bob”. I’m slow.)

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  11. No worries, Duff…I actually rarely talk to women when I go out. Usually just hanging out with buddies. I will join in a conversation, but to just walk up to some gal in a bar, “Hey Baby. How YOU doin?”?? Nah. Not for me. Who wants some strange dude hitting on them at a table?

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  12. Yeah, Anita! I’m with you! I love me some Seinfeld!
    In fact, Hulkie, you can actually turn a person INTO a Seinfeld fan! I did it with my husband! He didn’t get it at first – he thought it wasn’t funny at all, but then he started watching them regularly with me, and now? I’m proud to say he’s a HUGE fan – can quote shows and loves when I point out situations in real life that remind me of certain episodes!!
    So, there are those of us girl-types out there that totally appreciate a man who knows who the pig-man is, and about the big ball of oil that Kramer drops out the window with his intern and why being sponge-worthy is a GOOD thing!! : ) heee

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  13. What? One person comments on a blog and considers it her opinion. Person #2 refers directly to that comment and considers it her opinion. Person # 1 clarifies her original comment and suddenly person #1 is being “ill-tempered, judgmental and mean?” Ugh! Love the blog but will skip the comments from here on out. Fun, but getting a little too exclusive for me.

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  14. Nope, I’m married…not that there is anything wrong with that!
    (I feel like I also need to confess that I bust out my “Elaine” dance at every wedding reception I attend.)

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  15. Lisa. Her opinion was a direct slander about my personality. It was uncalled for. I did not know that she even existed until her comment.
    It was, indeed, mean and judgemental. As long as she doesn’t make personal comments about or anyone else, I welcome her back to comments. But being hurtful just to comment? I willl answer her appropiately every time.

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  16. Nope. Nothing wrong with that!
    *sigh*
    But-Elaine Dance-Yes!
    “It was more like a full bodied dry heave set to music.”
    “Did she do the little kicks and the thumbs?”

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  17. Lisa, I’m sorry to say that I never watched Seinfeld enough to know what the “Elaine” dance was, but your comment still made me laugh because I am visualizing something funny.

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  18. Oh, the Elaine dance. Nothing like it!
    And lisa, up there? It’s a rarity for there to be any ugliness in the comments…The comments are usually funny and entertaining all unto themselves.
    So, don’t give up on the comments just yet! We’re a fun bunch over here on the flipside!
    (High five! On the flip side! – I missed Putty when they wrote him off the show!)

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  19. I go away for a few hours to pee into a cup and to tell the anesthesiologist that its okay to kill me tomorrow, just DO NOT LET ME BARF, and I come back to naughtiness in the comments. Dont make me pull this car over.

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  20. June,
    If you get a crock pot here is my favorite recipe. Buy a beef roast, I like eye of round roast. Chop up some carrots, potatoes, onions, put in the bottom of the crock pot. Put your roast on top. Pour in half a cup of water and season with whatever you like, I use a seasoning salt but it may have MSG. Cook on low all day. It’s good. 2nd day, you can make barbecue sandwiches, shred up the leftover meat, put BBQ sauce on, you’re done.
    P.S. I love Seinfeld.

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  21. Hulk ("Then back to your apartment for a bra-and-panty ticklefight?" "That's what you think girls do when they get together, don't you?" "Yes, I do."...) says:

    Hey, I didn’t do anything. I was just trying to get them to kiss.

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  22. Hulk ("Then back to your apartment for a bra-and-panty ticklefight?" "That's what you think girls do when they get together, don't you?" "Yes, I do."...) says:

    Hey, I didn’t do anything. I was just trying to get them to kiss.

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  23. Hulk ("Then back to your apartment for a bra-and-panty ticklefight?" "That's what you think girls do when they get together, don't you?" "Yes, I do."...) says:

    Hey, I didn’t do anything. I was just trying to get them to kiss.

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  24. Sorry if she hurt your feelings Furry, but I hate to see catty infighting among women. Anyone is more than welcome to disparage my personality, but please don’t make my gender look petty! (Kidding kinda) Congrats on your good medical news.
    OK- a doctor asks an elderly man for a urine sample, stool sample and sperm sample. He turns to his elderly wife and says “What’d he say?” She yells, “THEY NEED YOUR UNDERWEAR.”

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  25. Hellooo Hulk! I look forward to your everyday Seinfeld references every day!
    Doesn’t everyone know a few gentlemen who could use a bro… or is it a manzier?

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  26. Sorry, “Hellooo Hulk” was supposed to be followed by (said like Uncle Leo).

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  27. So do I Lisa, but as someone who was abused as a child and in her first marriage, I always stand up for myself now. I will continue to do so. I am no longer afraid of confrontation.
    And really confused about Ms. Emous undying love for the GF grill so that an inocuous comment about a different brand would cause her to lash out like that.

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  28. I know the Elaine dance! Hulk, aren’t you proud? And I know who Uncle Leo is. I didn’t say I never watched it. I said I didn’t live and breathe the show. I remember puffy shirt and the envelope licking episode. See? I watched.
    One more question Hulk. Why don’t you approach women? Is that anywhere or just in bars? I swear I’m going to get down to the reason you ain’t got no girlfriend, dammit.

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