Pieces of Wisdom: What’s to Eat?

I watched it happen. It was like slow motion, if slow motion happened really fast.

Tallulah was all cuddling up with me this morning, and I was hugging her big neckeldy. Edsel was at the foot of the bed, because he's, you know, beta dog or whatever. I watched him get up and I SAW the thoughts form in his pea brain.

"heer Talu butt. it rite in front of me. hay! i could hump talu! i could get rite on her and–"

Oh. Was that a mistake. You have never seen a…husky girl move so fast in your life. She went from being all happy and cuddly with me to WHIPPING around and showing Edsel her Pit Bull teef. There was no Beagle left. There was no spiritual Tibetan spaniel in her right then. No.

She was all Pit Bull, all the time.

And she said, "ROWR ROWR ROWR ROWR RRRRRRRRR!" in this toofy fishwife voice that I am sure translated to terrible dog swear words.

Edsel was all, "yes, ma'am. edsel sorry, ma'am. never hump again, miss lu."

Goodness.

Forgive
This transgression seems to have been overlooked and they are back to their important task of shedding on the couch and barking at everyone who has the gall to walk by. Note, however, that Edsel is in his proper place on the lower level.

So other than that Ozarks moment brought to you by my pets, NOTHING HAS HAPPENED over here. WHY HAS NO ONE CALLED ME TO GIVE ME A JOB?

Irritated.

The only thing that has happened is my surgeon called to say he was supposed to do a C-section at 7:30 a.m. the day of my conveniently scheduled 10:30 surgery, but the idiot who was having a C-section had her BABY EARLY, so now I have to have MY surgery at 7:30, which means I have to get there at like 1 a.m. or something. So they can "prep" me. I shudder to think.

So THANKS, person who had her baby early. Nice popping out of your kid. What about MY needs? GOD.

Other than selfish selfish women who have babies when I am trying to sleep in and have 10:30 surgeries, I need your Pieces of Wisdom help.

I have no idea what to eat.

I don't mean the day of my surgery, on which I can eat nothing. I mean for the rest of my life. Marvin was the only cook in this house, and when I was single, I did not realize that processed food has MSG in it, which gave me migraines.

So now that Marvin is leaving and I realize I cannot eat soup, most cereal, certain yogurt, and not even rice cakes, (which I happen to love) because they all have MSG (check the label. They say creative things other than monosodium glutamate, usually, because most people know that means MSG. But if the label says modified food starch? That's MSG. Also? maltodextrin? It's a preservative and it also gives people migraines), I am stumped for what to consume. Other than gardening catalogs, which is my new porn. But that's a whole 'nother post.

So I do not know how to cook, I can't eat processed food, and Marvin my cook is leaving. I can starve to death or I can take your suggestions.

What can I eat?? Yes, that required two question marks.

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Author: June

At one point, I was sort of hot, in a "she's 27 and probably a 7" kind of a way. Now I'm old and have to develop a charming personality. Guess how that's going.

285 thoughts on “Pieces of Wisdom: What’s to Eat?”

  1. Yes, the grills are quick – especially because you can fold the top down and cook both sides at the same time.
    If you are already using something similar on a stove top, then you don’t need a grill. I find that I go through phases where I use the grill a lot, or it just sits in the cupboard. It is definitely handy for a starter cook though.

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  2. so far june needs:
    -a microwave
    -a crock pot
    -an iphone app
    -a rice cooker
    -a steamer (better two)
    -a toaster oven
    -a nuwave oven
    -a george foreman grill (better buy two, this thing must be fabulous, i bet it does the grocery shopping and goes hunting too)
    -a cuisinart grill (to make sure nobody is offended)
    and maybe just a small atomic plant to make sure you have enough energy.
    i wonder if, for the money you’ll spend on kitchen helpers, you could get george foreman himself to cook for you?
    how did mr.& mrs. neandertal like their mammoth? from the crock pot or from the foreman grill?

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  3. This is ‘MERICA, Marzi…
    We make things EASIER over here…

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  4. This is ‘MERICA, Marzi…
    We make things EASIER over here…

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  5. This is ‘MERICA, Marzi…
    We make things EASIER over here…

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  6. Hulk (and THAT is why women don't run the free world yet, OJ...you guys don't forget an effing thing!) says:

    And here we go…
    See? That’s the difference between men and women. A guy would’ve just punched the other one in the head, then made up over a couple of beers by now…

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  7. Sadie just knows June will be getting a job as soon as she is recovered. All the best to you, June, for your surgery tomorrow. says:

    Actually, I don’t have an iphone, a George Foreman grill, a Cuisinart grill, a rice cooker, a toaster oven or a nuwave oven (whatever that is). Yes, I do use pots, pans, skillets, a stove and an oven quite regularly. I use the microwave to quickly cook frozen vegetables or to reheat leftovers. (Let’s not forget microwave popcorn.) I have a crockpot, but never use it. DH is quite a cook and also uses the outdoor grill when the weather is nice.
    Marzipan, everyone was making suggestions to help June prepare easy dinners when she gets home in the evenings from her job. If the extra gadgets help, then all the better.

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  8. Sadie just knows June will be getting a job as soon as she is recovered. All the best to you, June, for your surgery tomorrow. says:

    Actually, I don’t have an iphone, a George Foreman grill, a Cuisinart grill, a rice cooker, a toaster oven or a nuwave oven (whatever that is). Yes, I do use pots, pans, skillets, a stove and an oven quite regularly. I use the microwave to quickly cook frozen vegetables or to reheat leftovers. (Let’s not forget microwave popcorn.) I have a crockpot, but never use it. DH is quite a cook and also uses the outdoor grill when the weather is nice.
    Marzipan, everyone was making suggestions to help June prepare easy dinners when she gets home in the evenings from her job. If the extra gadgets help, then all the better.

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  9. Sadie just knows June will be getting a job as soon as she is recovered. All the best to you, June, for your surgery tomorrow. says:

    Actually, I don’t have an iphone, a George Foreman grill, a Cuisinart grill, a rice cooker, a toaster oven or a nuwave oven (whatever that is). Yes, I do use pots, pans, skillets, a stove and an oven quite regularly. I use the microwave to quickly cook frozen vegetables or to reheat leftovers. (Let’s not forget microwave popcorn.) I have a crockpot, but never use it. DH is quite a cook and also uses the outdoor grill when the weather is nice.
    Marzipan, everyone was making suggestions to help June prepare easy dinners when she gets home in the evenings from her job. If the extra gadgets help, then all the better.

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  10. We would all do well to follow the actions of Lu and Ed, and move on…Happy Wednesday.
    Siren, HAHAHAH! Smiley face!!!

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  11. Hulk (I do have to get a crock pot...I want to make that chicken thing that you can put on tortillas? Who's idea was that? man that sounded good...) says:

    Forget what, Letha?
    (In my head we are all holding hands and singing that old Coke commercial song from the 70s…)

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  12. Hulk (I do have to get a crock pot...I want to make that chicken thing that you can put on tortillas? Who's idea was that? man that sounded good...) says:

    Forget what, Letha?
    (In my head we are all holding hands and singing that old Coke commercial song from the 70s…)

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  13. Hulk (I do have to get a crock pot...I want to make that chicken thing that you can put on tortillas? Who's idea was that? man that sounded good...) says:

    Forget what, Letha?
    (In my head we are all holding hands and singing that old Coke commercial song from the 70s…)

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  14. Furry, that was THE BEST comment yet! THE BEST I tell you! Superior to all the others!
    Lots of great advice here June! I’ll just say this – if you can learn to make salad dressing, you can apply the same technique to anything you want to cook. Thats all cooking is – putting things together in a way that tastes good to you. You can spend lots of time or a little time and in both cases end up with delicious stuff.
    I, too, love me some Rachael Ray. She’s so good at fast and easy food that makes real meals. And she incorporates lots of time savers but still sticks with all real ingredients. Not like that Sandra Lee broad who never met a packaged food she didn’t like and once made crepes using store bought won ton wrappers! That ain’t food… That’s faux-d.
    I will say though – whoever suggested we all just take turns cooking for June may be on to something…
    Hulk… The “grill is out of gas”. Is that code?

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  15. Tammi V.V., the lentil soup recipe is in the comments for the Jan 31st post. June had asked us all to take a picture of what we did that day and I sent a picture of the lentil soup I made for dinner. I think you were on your world tour during that time. Too bad we didn’t get to see your pictures.

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  16. Tammi V.V., the lentil soup recipe is in the comments for the Jan 31st post. June had asked us all to take a picture of what we did that day and I sent a picture of the lentil soup I made for dinner. I think you were on your world tour during that time. Too bad we didn’t get to see your pictures.

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  17. Tammi V.V., the lentil soup recipe is in the comments for the Jan 31st post. June had asked us all to take a picture of what we did that day and I sent a picture of the lentil soup I made for dinner. I think you were on your world tour during that time. Too bad we didn’t get to see your pictures.

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  18. sadie, i was only kidding and i felt a little superior cause i ordered my cuisinart grill 5 minutes before i posted, sorry.
    could i burry a crock pot in the woods, cover it with leafs, put a carrot on them and wait till a rabbit falls in? how long till stew is ready?

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  19. Sadie wants to know how the rabbit stew tastes. Don't forget to remove the crockpot lid before you bury it. says:

    Sorry, Marzipan. Sometimes, I’m too literal.

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  20. Sadie wants to know how the rabbit stew tastes. Don't forget to remove the crockpot lid before you bury it. says:

    Sorry, Marzipan. Sometimes, I’m too literal.

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  21. Sadie wants to know how the rabbit stew tastes. Don't forget to remove the crockpot lid before you bury it. says:

    Sorry, Marzipan. Sometimes, I’m too literal.

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  22. hahaha lisa…..come on….it’s march hare…we could have tea with it/him 😉

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  23. Anita, I love eggplant parmesan. I think I can get there faster than Hulk because I’m several states closer.

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  24. Hulk (I quote George Carlin: I know I don't like it, and if I tried it, I know I would like it even less...) says:

    BLAH!! It’s all yours, Sadie…
    And no, it isn’t code, smarty-pantses.

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  25. Great news Duff and Furry!!
    I have no cooking advice as my husband does the cooking. I do cleanup.
    Later, gators. The sunny beach, tropical breezes and open bars are beckoning! Don’t be hating, though. There is a winter storm watch for Friday when we return. A foot of snow. Looks like we’ll be spending another day in some random airport …

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  26. Great news Duff and Furry!!
    I have no cooking advice as my husband does the cooking. I do cleanup.
    Later, gators. The sunny beach, tropical breezes and open bars are beckoning! Don’t be hating, though. There is a winter storm watch for Friday when we return. A foot of snow. Looks like we’ll be spending another day in some random airport …

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  27. Great news Duff and Furry!!
    I have no cooking advice as my husband does the cooking. I do cleanup.
    Later, gators. The sunny beach, tropical breezes and open bars are beckoning! Don’t be hating, though. There is a winter storm watch for Friday when we return. A foot of snow. Looks like we’ll be spending another day in some random airport …

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  28. Hulk, I do remember, “Are you sponge worthy?”
    Junie, tomorrow will be a great day!

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  29. My (now dead) uncle used to frequently remind us that his big belly was not fat – it was actually the gas tank for his sex organ. So I wondered…
    And that was one of the LESS creepy things he would say.

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  30. Yes. Very good, Duff. “Sponge-worthy”. See? Now isn’t that hilarious?
    ELAINE: So, you think you’re sponge-worthy?
    BILLY: Yes, I think I’m sponge-worthy. I think I’m very sponge-worthy.
    ELAINE: Run down your case for me again…?
    BILLY: Well, we’ve gone out several times, we obviously have a good rapport. I own a very profitable electronics distributing firm. I eat well. I exercise. Blood tests – immaculate. And if I can speak frankly, I’m actually quite good at it.
    ELAINE: You going to do something about your sideburns?
    BILLY: Yeah, I told you…I’m going to trim my sideburns.
    ELAINE: And the bathroom in your apartment?
    BILLY: Cleaned it this morning.
    ELAINE: The sink, the tub, everything got cleaned?
    BILLY: Everything, yeah. It’s spotless.
    ELAINE: Alright, let’s go.

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  31. Something else to mention on Hulk’s match.com profile. Must love Seinfeld and be able to quote shows verbatim.

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  32. buy a crockpot ($20). make your own soup out of steak/chicken/pork bones, random chopped veggies, handfuls of rice, beans, etc. freeze in small batches. success!

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  33. I remembered the sponge worthy episdode and he recites every freaking line.
    Why is it you don’t have a girlfriend, Hulk?
    Do you call yourself Kramer in your head?

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  34. I’m enjoying the Seinfeld references!
    Another Junie food idea: get a whole chicken from the grocery store, take out all of the inside stuff (they usually have it all in a bag, just remove the bag) Roll up 5-6 tin foil balls. Put the balls in the bottom of the crockpot, chicken on top and season it with whatever, cook on high for as many hours as there are pounds in the chicken and you have yummy chicken meat for salads, sandwiches, snacking, etc!

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  35. I’m enjoying the Seinfeld references!
    Another Junie food idea: get a whole chicken from the grocery store, take out all of the inside stuff (they usually have it all in a bag, just remove the bag) Roll up 5-6 tin foil balls. Put the balls in the bottom of the crockpot, chicken on top and season it with whatever, cook on high for as many hours as there are pounds in the chicken and you have yummy chicken meat for salads, sandwiches, snacking, etc!

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  36. I’m enjoying the Seinfeld references!
    Another Junie food idea: get a whole chicken from the grocery store, take out all of the inside stuff (they usually have it all in a bag, just remove the bag) Roll up 5-6 tin foil balls. Put the balls in the bottom of the crockpot, chicken on top and season it with whatever, cook on high for as many hours as there are pounds in the chicken and you have yummy chicken meat for salads, sandwiches, snacking, etc!

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  37. Oh, Lisa, I heard something to the contrary on a science/health program. They claim if a man has a large belly and a small penis, his penis may get larger if he lost some of his belly fat.
    Can’t prove it by me, but that’s what they claimed.

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  38. Cookbooks I live by:
    1. The Joy of Cooking- It really is my bible
    2. The Moosewood Cookbook by Mollie Katzen- Wonderful, easy to prepare vegetarian food
    For premade or (minimally)processed foods, shop at a health food store or food co-op where there will be plenty of selection without offending ingredients.

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  39. June, Hulk needs a Seinfeld intervention. Is there a Seinfeld Anonymous near him? This is bad. He will NEVER get a date if he stays so obsessed with that damn show.
    Hulkie, baby, all girls do not love the Jerry quotes. Then again, if they don’t know from Seinfeld they won’t realize your using an extinct tv show for your small talk.

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  40. Can’t prove it by the dead uncle either. Although, even as a child, I kind of guessed if a guy had to talk about it THAT MUCH there probably wasn’t all that much to talk about.
    Unless, of course, the Ex is willing to voluntarily vouch for it… then you might just be “sponge-worthy”.
    (Have to admit another “sponge” came to mind first… the large square yellow one named “Bob”. I’m slow.)

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  41. No worries, Duff…I actually rarely talk to women when I go out. Usually just hanging out with buddies. I will join in a conversation, but to just walk up to some gal in a bar, “Hey Baby. How YOU doin?”?? Nah. Not for me. Who wants some strange dude hitting on them at a table?

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  42. Yeah, Anita! I’m with you! I love me some Seinfeld!
    In fact, Hulkie, you can actually turn a person INTO a Seinfeld fan! I did it with my husband! He didn’t get it at first – he thought it wasn’t funny at all, but then he started watching them regularly with me, and now? I’m proud to say he’s a HUGE fan – can quote shows and loves when I point out situations in real life that remind me of certain episodes!!
    So, there are those of us girl-types out there that totally appreciate a man who knows who the pig-man is, and about the big ball of oil that Kramer drops out the window with his intern and why being sponge-worthy is a GOOD thing!! : ) heee

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  43. What? One person comments on a blog and considers it her opinion. Person #2 refers directly to that comment and considers it her opinion. Person # 1 clarifies her original comment and suddenly person #1 is being “ill-tempered, judgmental and mean?” Ugh! Love the blog but will skip the comments from here on out. Fun, but getting a little too exclusive for me.

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  44. Nope, I’m married…not that there is anything wrong with that!
    (I feel like I also need to confess that I bust out my “Elaine” dance at every wedding reception I attend.)

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  45. Lisa. Her opinion was a direct slander about my personality. It was uncalled for. I did not know that she even existed until her comment.
    It was, indeed, mean and judgemental. As long as she doesn’t make personal comments about or anyone else, I welcome her back to comments. But being hurtful just to comment? I willl answer her appropiately every time.

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  46. Nope. Nothing wrong with that!
    *sigh*
    But-Elaine Dance-Yes!
    “It was more like a full bodied dry heave set to music.”
    “Did she do the little kicks and the thumbs?”

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  47. Lisa, I’m sorry to say that I never watched Seinfeld enough to know what the “Elaine” dance was, but your comment still made me laugh because I am visualizing something funny.

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  48. Oh, the Elaine dance. Nothing like it!
    And lisa, up there? It’s a rarity for there to be any ugliness in the comments…The comments are usually funny and entertaining all unto themselves.
    So, don’t give up on the comments just yet! We’re a fun bunch over here on the flipside!
    (High five! On the flip side! – I missed Putty when they wrote him off the show!)

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  49. I go away for a few hours to pee into a cup and to tell the anesthesiologist that its okay to kill me tomorrow, just DO NOT LET ME BARF, and I come back to naughtiness in the comments. Dont make me pull this car over.

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  50. June,
    If you get a crock pot here is my favorite recipe. Buy a beef roast, I like eye of round roast. Chop up some carrots, potatoes, onions, put in the bottom of the crock pot. Put your roast on top. Pour in half a cup of water and season with whatever you like, I use a seasoning salt but it may have MSG. Cook on low all day. It’s good. 2nd day, you can make barbecue sandwiches, shred up the leftover meat, put BBQ sauce on, you’re done.
    P.S. I love Seinfeld.

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  51. Hulk ("Then back to your apartment for a bra-and-panty ticklefight?" "That's what you think girls do when they get together, don't you?" "Yes, I do."...) says:

    Hey, I didn’t do anything. I was just trying to get them to kiss.

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  52. Hulk ("Then back to your apartment for a bra-and-panty ticklefight?" "That's what you think girls do when they get together, don't you?" "Yes, I do."...) says:

    Hey, I didn’t do anything. I was just trying to get them to kiss.

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  53. Hulk ("Then back to your apartment for a bra-and-panty ticklefight?" "That's what you think girls do when they get together, don't you?" "Yes, I do."...) says:

    Hey, I didn’t do anything. I was just trying to get them to kiss.

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  54. Sorry if she hurt your feelings Furry, but I hate to see catty infighting among women. Anyone is more than welcome to disparage my personality, but please don’t make my gender look petty! (Kidding kinda) Congrats on your good medical news.
    OK- a doctor asks an elderly man for a urine sample, stool sample and sperm sample. He turns to his elderly wife and says “What’d he say?” She yells, “THEY NEED YOUR UNDERWEAR.”

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  55. Hellooo Hulk! I look forward to your everyday Seinfeld references every day!
    Doesn’t everyone know a few gentlemen who could use a bro… or is it a manzier?

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  56. Sorry, “Hellooo Hulk” was supposed to be followed by (said like Uncle Leo).

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  57. So do I Lisa, but as someone who was abused as a child and in her first marriage, I always stand up for myself now. I will continue to do so. I am no longer afraid of confrontation.
    And really confused about Ms. Emous undying love for the GF grill so that an inocuous comment about a different brand would cause her to lash out like that.

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  58. Someone has to make sure all 12 George Jr.’s get the opportunity to go to college.

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  59. I know the Elaine dance! Hulk, aren’t you proud? And I know who Uncle Leo is. I didn’t say I never watched it. I said I didn’t live and breathe the show. I remember puffy shirt and the envelope licking episode. See? I watched.
    One more question Hulk. Why don’t you approach women? Is that anywhere or just in bars? I swear I’m going to get down to the reason you ain’t got no girlfriend, dammit.

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