June. Fibroid-free since 2011. (June. Sitting on a big pad since yesterday.) (June. Telling you more than you wanted to know since that last parentheses.)

I just flew in from a propofol high and boy is my uterus tired.

So I had my surgery yesterday, and oh, did I mention I was having surgery? Do you wish I'd bring it up more often? Do you wish I'd start talking about my hutch again?

Anyway, my pal Laurie got to take me the .0008th of an inch to the hospital, because did I mention the hospital was close by? It's closer than my hutch. It's somewhere between my neighbor Peg's house and the dead lady across the street. It is not far, is what I am telling you. Nevertheless, they don't want you to walk there when you are having general anesthesia, so whatever.

I knew I was in trouble when Laurie showed up with her camera and a bag of props.

The first thing they did when we got there was put me in a purple gown and some lovely purple socks. Which Laurie captured on film.

Purplegownpurplegown
Then they hooked said gown up to the hookah pipe, there, and blew hot air into me.

Hoser
I am not making this up.

 Knockers

It gave me a charming bosom-y look.

Laurie gave me a cute black-and-white kitty, kind of an anti-Francis, to comfort me.

Antifran
Let's pause and enjoy my "what stress?" acne blemish on my chin, shall we?

Anyway, Laurie pointed out that she would not really be with me when I would be good and out of it after, so she posed me with her cruel props and we pretended she captured me in the whole passed-out-and-vulnerable-after-surgery time.

Cathead
Funny. And won't you enjoy this vision of my nose holes?

Bunny
Who loves herself and her bunny ears? Is it Laurie?

Reindeer
June Gardens got run over by a reindeer…

Waiting
After her funny, funny props were used up, all that was left to do was wait. Finally, my doctor came to say we were ready. He wondered if I had any questions, and I said, "Really just one. You never let me know if my biopsy was okay."

"Oh, it must have been," he said. "Hang on." He whipped open his cell phone. "Kim, check June Gardens' biopsy. There was a pause. "What do you mean?" he asked. I started to feel a little prickly. "This is not good…not good at ALL. The patient is right here in front of me!" he said.

At this point I went from being all warm and hot-air-blown to an ice sculpture at a wedding. I was frozen in terror. Aren't you glad I somehow didn't manage to say I was Lot's Wife? You know I like to throw her into any scenario where I was unmoving. But really. I was horrified.

He slammed his phone shut. "Your results were normal, sweetie."

I was so covered in sweat at that point that I could have been a salt lick. I was totally Lot's Wife.

See what I did there?

"WHY WERE YOU SAYING 'THIS IS NOT GOOD', THEN?" I squeaked.

"Oh, did I scare you?" he kneeled down, grabbing my arm. "I am so sorry. I was berating my nurse. We're short-staffed and no one had scanned in your results, and that was totally unacceptable, because what if your results had been bad? You are here all ready for surgery, and had the results been bad we couldn't do your surgery today. I was just telling her that. I am so sorry."

Fortunately for all of us, it was at that point that the nurse came in who gives you that shot they give you before surgery? The one I would GIVE YOU MY HOUSE FOR if you could just give me that shot every day? The one where I don't care if you remove my HEAD while I'm on it? What is that shot?

Oh, also? There was a nurse there who looked exactly like Jamie Lee Curtis. Just exactly. And do you know every time I saw her what I did in my head? I sang, ActiviAAA!

Now, isn't that awful? Jamie Lee Curtis has been in some entertaining movies over the last four decades. And she is a stand-up sister, telling women to cut it out with the plastic surgery, and what do I reduce her to when I see her doppelganger at the hospital?

ActiviAAAAA!

Although just between you, me, and the lamppost, there, Jamie Lee? I admire you for your stance on plastic surgery. I really do. But nobody's gonna fault you for plumping those lips up just a tad. Really, honey. We love you. But Vera from Plant of the Apes called. Seriously.

Anyway, the next thing you know they were waking me up, and I thought I felt perfectly fine. PERFECTLY FINE! I kept chattering to them. Like a magpie. I FEEL PERFECTLY FINE! I vaguely recall them taking me to a chair and giving me a saltine, and the nurse was really pretty, and I pulled her into the other chair, and over saltines we discussed her sex life.

I am not making that up. I remember saying, "You are so pretty. What's your dating sitch?" and she told me.

And then it was hours later–HOURS–that the worst part of the day came back to me. (Laurie, did I chatter at you about this at the time?)

I was having ahi tuna with my mother last night when I had an AHHHHH! moment. I threw down my fork and said, "AHHHH!"

"WHAT?" said my mother, who probably thought my uterus had just exploded.

"I WAS MR. POTTER!" I screeched, suddenly remembering.

After the hot nurse and I discussed her love life (she's waiting for the right guy), this man came over to wheel me to the door for Laurie to get me out of there. "Ms. Gardens, you're ready to go home now," he said.

Now, this man differed from me demographically in every way. That is why I'm hazarding the guess that he has not watched It's a Wonderful Life 9,000 times, as I have. I could be wrong. But given his reaction to my pretty self, I don't think I am.

"I get to ride in a wheelchair?" I squeaked, completely ignoring Hot Nurse midstory and plopping down. "I'm just like Mr. Potter!"

"Get me to the door!" I said conspriratorily, as Mr. Potter did when he discovered he had Uncle Billy's $8,000. Of course, this guy's JOB was to get me to the door.

Then I'm sorry to tell you I hit this man in the arm with my discharge papers, as Mr. Potter hit his handler in the movie. "ConFOUND IT, man! Hurry up!" I said.

"Yes, ma'am," said this poor guy behind me.

Then? Oh, it all comes back to me in a humiliating rush. I waggled my finger at him. WAGGLED MY FINGER.

"You once called me a warped, frustrated old man," I said to the beleaguered wheelchair pusher. "Well, what are you but a warped, frustrated YOUNG MAN!"

At that point I was really bellowing. And shaking my jowls. I think I was really doing a good Mr. Potter. If I do say so myself.

"I wonder, um, where your friend is," said Wheelchair Guy.

Thank all that is holy and merciful, Laurie's car pulled up and the poor guy pushed me out to her. It's a wonder he didn't just push the chair forward and land me on my head.

In the whole vast configuration of things I'm nothing but a scurvy little spider.

So really, the whole afternoon is a blur. But Laurie got me to the hotel and my mother arrived and I have had no pain at all. Really it's been just fine. Oh! And I came home to get the mail and let the dogs out, and I have get-well letters from both Prince and Barry Gibb. Which I'm certain are real and not from Faithful Readers or anything.

At any rate, thanks for all your kind thoughts and emails and waiting for me in the virtual waiting room yesterday. And oh! I almost forgot.

Pinkpinkpinkpinkpinkfibroid
They weren't fibroids at all. They were Easter eggs!

177 thoughts on “June. Fibroid-free since 2011. (June. Sitting on a big pad since yesterday.) (June. Telling you more than you wanted to know since that last parentheses.)

  1. I just got home and had to check …
    June, I’m glad it’s all over and went so smoothly.
    Laurie, I love your props!!

    Like

  2. I just got home and had to check …
    June, I’m glad it’s all over and went so smoothly.
    Laurie, I love your props!!

    Like

  3. oh june. i love you so so so so much for being mr. potter. i even love you for hitting that poor guy with your discharge papers. and for being a scurvy little spider.
    thank you for the hilarity. i literally had to go back and read this aloud (between giggles and snorts) to my husband.
    i love you AND jimmy stewart. and i just rang a bell for you so that you could get your wings šŸ™‚

    Like

  4. Letha, I kept refreshing the page yesterday in the virtual waiting room and cooter bus ride; does each refresh count as a page hit?
    Who else but June can bring so many people together on such a wacky ride? And then to have such a funny recap today? Totally crazy.

    Like

  5. Amish Annie, not sure about the refresh thing,but if it counts, 950 million for sure. And yes, ain’t that the truth? June’s surgery notwithstanding, yesterday was dang fun. Then, today’s post was like a reward for yesterday’s adventure.

    Like

  6. So glad I had a chance to check in and see how Junie fared at the hospital. Glad to hear all went ok. I have been back and forth to the hospital all week – my daughter had a premature baby this week that is probably the size of one of your fibroids – she weighs just 1 pound.

    Like

  7. Mary, your daughter and grandchild have my prayers. June is doing so well(I hope) and now we can spread the love around to more of the Pie Family.

    Like

  8. June’s back!!! Yay!!
    (Hubz just had surgery at Vanderbilt a couple of weeks ago – we went back for check-up today and all test results were great/thank you Lord!!) – and he also had the warm air blowy thingy. Country hicks that we are, we had the gall to ask for a blanket but nooooooo….they had the warm air blowy machine too – and then we felt like Jed and Granny wandering around the cement pond. And then – all of a sudden — he had bigger boobs that I will ever have. We both kept laughing because it just kept puffing up the paper gown. The jokes we told were only funny to us, but that’s okay.
    Thankful you are back!!

    Like

  9. so glad that you are back and that everything went well!
    now that we know that you are the easter bunny: my little niece wants a hello kitty alarm clock and a pink princess bike.
    (just a pair of new clarks for me please, brown, smooth leather)
    hope you can “make” that stuff down there..

    Like

  10. Mary, my thoughts are with that one-pound of baby! Are you my Facebook friend? Because all this week someone was saying their daughter was trying not to give birth. Was that you?
    Sent from my iPhone

    Like

  11. Mary, prayers for your daughter and granddaughter.
    Dee, so glad your husband’s surgery went well. From your description of Jed and Granny, you both would have fit right in on the cooter bus when we went to visit June at the hotel.

    Like

  12. Mary, prayers for your daughter and granddaughter.
    Dee, so glad your husband’s surgery went well. From your description of Jed and Granny, you both would have fit right in on the cooter bus when we went to visit June at the hotel.

    Like

  13. Mary, prayers for your daughter and granddaughter.
    Dee, so glad your husband’s surgery went well. From your description of Jed and Granny, you both would have fit right in on the cooter bus when we went to visit June at the hotel.

    Like

  14. Okay, I’m glad you’re still alive and all that, but … but … no pictures of the fibroid? I was looking forward to playing that inkblot game.
    Devastatedly,
    Siren

    Like

  15. Mary, if you’re reading this today, know that my prayers are with you.
    But I also wanted to tell you that a dear friend of ours had a baby a little over a year ago. she was born too early and weighed 1 lb 1oz. Thanks to the amazing medical advances devoted to premature birth, after 89 days in the NICU, Hailey is a thriving, healthy, vibrant one-year-old who walked two days after her first birthday. She is this year’s poster child for our local March of Dimes. A tiny preemie who is now a lively toddler.
    I will walk for your granddaughter on April 30th in our local March of Dimes walk. If you read this, I’d love to get your granddaughter’s name.
    I get to be one of the people, so honored to pull Hailey in her little red wagon. Although, we have a feeling, she’s not going to stay put for long.

    Like

  16. Siren, don’t be devastated…but they weren’t fibroids, they were EASTER EGGS! Hopefully not balut Easter eggs. Better check that picture again…

    Like

  17. Mary – all my best to your daughter and granddaughter.
    And, I have to say how proud I am that my looming cooter comment lives on in BBP land! And to even have the bus names after it! Wow!
    It’s an honor to be right up there with Gay Porn Santa and the Persistent Lesbians!
    And, I have to say, I’ve never come across one other blog where the commenters acknowledge each other as much as we do over here! It’s really interesting! A real phenomenon!

    Like

  18. Yeah for June’s fibroid free whore of a uterus!
    Mary-
    as a recent mommy of a preemie, I understand what you are going through. Stats show preemie girls do better than preemie boys. In our NICU there were many a picture of preemies that have grown up to be big and strong! My daughter went from a low of 2lbs 13 oz to over 15 lbs now (she is 7 months)! I am praying for you and your family!

    Like

  19. Mary – praying for your baby and HER baby.
    And Siren, I too was hoping for pictures. I wanted to compare it to pictures of my own ‘roid and see who’s looked more like members of the royal family. Or the Virgin Mary.
    *Fingers crossed*!!

    Like

  20. Pal from MA: I put yellow and pink hydrangeas in my tulipiere and I like it MUCH better! Thanks for the suggestions!!

    Like

  21. Pal from MA: I put yellow and pink hydrangeas in my tulipiere and I like it MUCH better! Thanks for the suggestions!!

    Like

  22. Pal from MA: I put yellow and pink hydrangeas in my tulipiere and I like it MUCH better! Thanks for the suggestions!!

    Like

  23. Is it really Furry’s birthday?
    Well then,happy birthday to ya.
    Artistic, creative, funny. Good to know of you.

    Like

  24. Sadie - the trip is much faster on the virtual highway. You, of course, will get the best seat on the bus. says:

    June, if you are feeling well enough today, you and Mother and the rest of the gang can ride on the cooter bus to Furry’s birthday party.

    Like

  25. Sadie - the trip is much faster on the virtual highway. You, of course, will get the best seat on the bus. says:

    June, if you are feeling well enough today, you and Mother and the rest of the gang can ride on the cooter bus to Furry’s birthday party.

    Like

  26. Sadie - the trip is much faster on the virtual highway. You, of course, will get the best seat on the bus. says:

    June, if you are feeling well enough today, you and Mother and the rest of the gang can ride on the cooter bus to Furry’s birthday party.

    Like

  27. Lisa Pie, the trip was beyond our expectations! It was wonderful and I would highly recommend it. The trip home was uneventful as the forecast storm fizzled. In fact, we landed 45 minutes early thanks to a tailwind!

    Like

  28. Lisa Pie, the trip was beyond our expectations! It was wonderful and I would highly recommend it. The trip home was uneventful as the forecast storm fizzled. In fact, we landed 45 minutes early thanks to a tailwind!

    Like

  29. Lisa Pie, the trip was beyond our expectations! It was wonderful and I would highly recommend it. The trip home was uneventful as the forecast storm fizzled. In fact, we landed 45 minutes early thanks to a tailwind!

    Like

  30. Happy Birthday, FurryG!!
    Paula, H&B – glad you like your hydrangiere!! It’s no fun doing what you’re “supposed to” anyway!! It must look so pretty with yellow and pink hydrangeas! LOVE hydrangeas. LOVE!
    Glad you had a good time on your trip!
    Lisa Pie – where are you that you’ve already got tomatoes going? Could I possibly be more jealous?? Uhhh, NO!! It’s supposed to get down to 30 degrees tonight, so no gardening for this Lisa yet. Poo.

    Like

  31. A tulipiere is very pretty! Perhaps I need one of those little treasures. I’ll keep my eyes open.
    Lisa Pie – do you sell those homegrown tomatoes? We try to hit the farmers markets, but the good tomatoes are the first to go! Can you believe how hot it is already?

    Like

  32. OJ! What March of Dimes walk are you doing on 4/30? We (me, hubby and preemie Drew who is now 7 months old!) are walking too!

    Like

  33. Paula, love the idea of hydrangeaiere. The big blooms must look gorgeous!
    Hope Junie is doing okay today… anyone heard anything? She deserves a day off, but maybe she will throw us a comment bone tonight. Woof!

    Like

  34. You, your daughter and granddaughter will remain in my prayers.
    My nephew was born at 1 pound 4 ounces. He’ll graduate this year from college. Hard to believe at one time he would fit in the palm of your hand with room to spare.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s