The dog shouterer

When you last left me, I had purchased the Sensation collar and was all excited to have control over my dogs.

Hah!

Also? HAH!

First of all, when you open the package, it is this…road map of fabric going this way and that, with clasps and rings and buckles and hangie parts and apparently some part of it goes over your dog.

Here is what the pamphlet showed:

SensationHarness 
Yeah. See the gleaming, happy, mind-y dog with that harness on him? "Goes on easily!" the packaging promised. For whom? For whom does it go on easily? Stephen Hawking? Einstein?

My poor dogs had that thing around them 80 different ways yesterday. They had it up around their arms like a sweater that gets stuck, around their muzzles like they were rabid beasts, back by their tails for no apparent reason, all around their middles. And the first person who says, "Why didn't you take a picture, June?" gets a personal drive to their house and a bitch slap from me. Because really? REALLY? I wanted to take time out from tormenting my dogs to grab my CAMERA?

Finally I decided I had bought the wrong sizes, and anyway I needed more pill pockets for Francis. Because he is a pill. So I headed out in the 86-degree heat back to the store. This time I took Edsel, to try the harness on him at the store. Maybe they could tell me what I was doing wrong. Other than being born in the first place.

As soon as we got in there? Edsel charged at the sweet potato treats and knocked over an entire stand of dog key chains. I mean a huge display, taller than me. BOOM! Rattle rattle rattle rattle, went the Yorkie and Pit Bull key chains.

I was a little tempted to look at what constituted a Pit Bull key chain as I wrestled Edsel and tried to pick the display up at the same time, but the store clerk said, "Don't even bother to try to put those away. That thing gets knocked over all the time. I'll do it later."

I felt terrible. I grabbed the next-smallest size harness and got the hell out of there. And if this happens all the time, does it ever occur to them to put that huge, top-heavy display somewhere other than not near the sweet potato treats?

Once I got home again, I tried to read the instructions. "The O-ring goes above and behind your dog's haunch." All I could think of was the movie Office Space where the guy says he's gonna show his date the O-face. Besides, how can something be both above and behind a haunch?

After another sweaty hour contorting my poor dogs, I was at this point so covered in fur it was like I'd turned into a werewolf. I had gotten both harnesses on then, but I'd decided they weren't the right size. Tallulah's was so tight I was certain she was going to turn blue, and Edsel's hung on him like he was wearing Madonna's cones.

I decided to put BOTH dogs in the car and take them BACK to the store to get fitted, which right there tells you the state of my mind.

And do you know what's convenient and easy? Putting my dogs in my Bug. Who decided to get two gangly dogs and a small car? I have to make them wait while I lift the seat, and waiting is so Edsel's strong suit. So half the time Edsel ends up hanging himself with his leash half in the front seat and half in the back, and anyway by the time we got to the store we were all shedding and depleted of oxygen.

My dogs know from this store. It is not PetSmart, it is a locally owned place and they get lots of attention and usually a treat, and a cat lives there and they were basically out of their minds with anticipation as we crossed the parking lot.

We could not have called more attention to ourselves as we entered that store had we been wearing pots and pans.

BOOM! Edsel opened the door for us by getting up on his hind legs. BANG! We all crashed through the door in one furry, sheddy mess. Edsel pulled us all back to the Schipperke key chain display, which I noted still had not been completely righted.

Tallulah, meanwhile, had homed in on two tiny poodles, who were there with their owner MEANING NO HARM TO ANYONE.

"BOW WOW WOW WOW WOW WOW WOW!" said Tallulah, who have I mentioned has the deepest, most menacing-sounding bark on earth?

Naturally, Tallulah barking made Edsel turn from the key chains. "AR Ararararar!" said Edsel, while Lu continued to BowWowWow.

Suddenly Edsel ESCAPED from my grasp, as they were both around my legs and I was practically falling over from their well-behavedness, and he CHARGED OVER to those poor poodles. He skidded to a stop in front of them.

"ARARarararararAR!" he said, wagging his tail. The woman scooped up her poor poodles and glared at me. Can you blame her? I would have glared at me. I WAS glaring at me.

All of this happened in the first 15 seconds of us entering the store. It was unbelievable. The entire place was staring at us.

"SETTLE!" said this voice, as I called Edsel over to me. As I was grabbing Edsel's leash, this woman with a butch haircut was coming over, and as soon as she said that, both of my dogs sat down. JUST SAT DOWN!

"Let's calm down," the woman said, clearly speaking to all of us. She was a clerk there, and I was never so glad to see a butch-haircutted woman in my whole life.

"Hi," I said. "My dogs and I are here, in case you hadn't noticed. I want to get them fitted for those harnesses that make you have more control over them."

"I'd love to see them in those harnesses," she said. Really? Are you sure? Because they're so docile. Are you certain I'm not overreacting?

We went to the back of the store, away from the rest of civilization, and by the time we got back there, Edsel had fallen madly in love with her and had started peeing on the carpet behind her, all the way to where we stopped. Then he paced around, stepping on said pee, leaving pee footprints all over the rug.

Do you know who wishes we'd come back soon? Is that store.

"This dog is so pretty," she said, leaning over and giving Edsel kisses, as she handed Talu a sweet potato treat. Edsel at this point was using my iPhone to get on the DeBeers website to pick out a diamond for this woman. Oh, he was whining and posing and licking and HELLO, JERK! Who feeds you and walks your skinny arse every day? You meet ONE WOMAN with a crew cut and you're a goner.

The best part of the story is that Edsel's lover could not fit these dogs in the harnesses, either. She tried and tried and tried. She tried on stoic, still Talu and she tried on wriggly infatuated Eds and finally she stood up and announced, "I am walking out of here and never coming back unless someone helps me get harnesses on these dogs."

I felt entirely vindicated that it was not just me, who, by the way, had forgotten everything and had been sitting right in Edsel's pee.

Finally, a man came over and got the dang things on, and I honestly thought about leaving those harnesses on my dogs for the rest of their lives so I wouldn't have to deal with them ever again.

Here is a photo of Edsel wearing Tallulah's Sensation harness, because I just ran into the room he was in and put whichever on him.

Eds 
Please note the blanket on the couch and my pajamas still on at 2 p.m., so drained am I from yesterday's extravaganza. And we finally went for a walk last night as it was getting dark and, eh. They kind of didn't pull.

Sigh.

Also? When I woke up today I realized I'd forgotten to get Frannie's pill pockets.

Maybe the dogs and I will pop into the pet store this afternoon.

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Author: June

At one point, I was sort of hot, in a "she's 27 and probably a 7" kind of a way. Now I'm old and have to develop a charming personality. Guess how that's going.

158 thoughts on “The dog shouterer”

  1. PJ who used to feel much like Siren does about pink, but got over it and is in fact wearing a pink shirt at this very moment just to show how secure she is. says:

    Read this post, and howled, earlier with the early comments. Just clicked back on to read recent comments and SPROING! My eyeballs popped out like a surprised cartoon character.
    And you kept this a secret from us. Love it.

    Like

  2. The pink is HOT! Love the look of the new blog. People think my dog (lab/pointer mix) is very well behaved, since she always walks so beautifully right at my side. She can’t get up to much trouble, though, since I only give her about 6 inches of leash.

    Like

  3. PJ who used to feel much like Siren does about pink, but got over it and is in fact wearing a pink shirt at this very moment just to show how secure she is. says:

    Oh, and loved The Dog Shouterer. Clever clever girl.
    And…Your Hostess is still blank. See? I read everything.

    Like

  4. Ahhh Zadge, Pinky Tuscadero. That was me. Leather Tuscadero (the bad-ass one) was my sister. We were going to have a thundercar stock car (two person car) and race Friday nights, but it never came to fruition. Half of the car would have been painted pink (me!), the other half painted leather(hard-partying, sleeping-around Lil’ Sis).
    Our partners were all for it and wanted to put a car together for us, but when it came right down to it, Lil’ Sis and I were weiners.
    That was our brush with greatness; Pinky and Leather (almost) Tuscadero.

    Like

  5. Siren, honey, I am totally British…jonquil, bollux, duffer, brilliant, daft. See?
    The dogwoods are brilliant, June.

    Like

  6. I don’t know The June, and frankly, it sounds made up!

    Like

  7. I don’t know The June, and frankly, it sounds made up!

    Like

  8. I don’t know The June, and frankly, it sounds made up!

    Like

  9. Okay, I have to grudgingly admit I like the little side button thingees better now (vs. yesterday, I mean) even though they are all pink and flowery. And I do have a complimentary thing to say about this new look — at least it’s still very readable. Like I don’t need sunglasses to view it.
    By the way, this comment totally counts toward that random act of kindness thing, plus I want retroactive credit for that time we were supposed to say something nice even if it killed us.
    Positively,
    Siren

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  10. But now I’m having some issues with “This weeks special.” WHY IS THERE NO APOSTROPHE. Was there an apostrophe before? Has there always been no apostrophe? And why is the text on the other buttons capitalized like titles but not the weekly special one? Is “This weeks special” not as special?
    What? Surely I’m not the only person in the world who wonders these things.

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  11. Perhaps you should send her a pink T-shirt. If you don’t have enough, you can send her the one you were going to send me.
    Generously,
    Siren

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  12. If I’m not mistaken, Letha just gave me a DOG COMMAND.
    Which means I’m now entitled to snarl and lunge and bite her, right?
    Yours in hope,
    Siren
    P.S. Now that I think about it, I kind of do that anyhow. Okay never mind.

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  13. AND, I also like how the new format shows the bloggers’ taglines in a bold and literary-ish red, whilst the non-bloggers are presented in a depressing pewter color.

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  14. P.S. June I like the plain list on the left rather than that big white box with different-colored text in it that was there last time I refreshed. And not just because I hate change. I think it looks more balanced with just the text, and the bold pink text picks up the bold pink text under the buttons on the right.
    Along the same vein, I like how the Sadie Olive thing on the left echoes the color of the (soon to be consistent) buttons on the right.
    Is this helpful feedback? Or is it like someone leaning over your shoulder commenting on every tiny thing way before you’re ready to have people say things? Don’t you hate it when people give you feedback and then want to know if they’re feedback is helpful?
    Okay I’m gonna go see if I can find someone else to torture this morning.

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  15. Ah, I just figured out the long box on the left is a slot for an ad. I am very quick on the uptake here, yes I am.
    Okay, FINE. But June I have one more comment before I go, which I know I said I was going to leave you alone like three comments ago but this is an actual moment of thoughtfulness. I think the “Tip Jar” button should look like the other buttons. If it looks different because you want it to stand out, you could still have it stand out by making it a slightly different color or something. If it looks different because you’re trying to make it small and inconspicuous, it will blend in a lot better if you make it look just like the other ones and stick it at the bottom of the lineup.
    P.S. Don’t listen to anything I say because I don’t know anything about blog layout and design.

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  16. I’m almost thinking the patterned background wallpaper is actual purple-y instead of pink. Or the color that is between purple and pink, can’t think of the name.
    I think Lehra *smile* is correct, non-blogger’s taglines are a depressing pewter color. I put my vote in for deep purple.

    Like

  17. Dammit. I have GOT to win the lottery so I can quit my job with Mr. Tudball and play with you Pie-pers all day.

    Like

  18. Dammit. I have GOT to win the lottery so I can quit my job with Mr. Tudball and play with you Pie-pers all day.

    Like

  19. Dammit. I have GOT to win the lottery so I can quit my job with Mr. Tudball and play with you Pie-pers all day.

    Like

  20. *I* think you should make your tip jar button look like the pretty jar your mom bought at the estate sale. Because that would be so easy to do. You’re welcome, Sadie Olive.

    Like

  21. *I* think you should make your tip jar button look like the pretty jar your mom bought at the estate sale. Because that would be so easy to do. You’re welcome, Sadie Olive.

    Like

  22. *I* think you should make your tip jar button look like the pretty jar your mom bought at the estate sale. Because that would be so easy to do. You’re welcome, Sadie Olive.

    Like

  23. *I* think you should make your tip jar button look like the pretty jar your mom bought at the estate sale. Because that would be so easy to do. You’re welcome, Sadie Olive.

    Like

  24. *I* think you should make your tip jar button look like the pretty jar your mom bought at the estate sale. Because that would be so easy to do. You’re welcome, Sadie Olive.

    Like

  25. *I* think you should make your tip jar button look like the pretty jar your mom bought at the estate sale. Because that would be so easy to do. You’re welcome, Sadie Olive.

    Like

  26. Jill, if you think by commanding me to bite Lertha you’re going to reverse-psychology me into not biting anyone you are totally WRONG. I just bit myself, so there.
    Also, for those of you who are like me (meaning: easily overwhelmed by too much visual stimuli), guess what! You can skinny your browser window and make the foofy wallpaper background TOTALLY DISAPPEAR!
    I wanted to close this comment with a witty sign-off just for Anita but now I have total performance anxiety.

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  27. This is the third blog change I’ve been through with you, June and I loved them all, but this one I love the most. It’s so pink and lovely and relaxing and just perfect in its pinkness. Love everything about it.
    And since I hadn’t checked in since yesterday, it was quite fun watching Siren come down from her place of pink panic and settle in to your new look.
    I’d say she did an admirable job.

    Like

  28. I love the new look. It’s so June Cleaverish. Now all you need are the pearls and the shirtwaist dress.

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  29. Okay. But. After all that, you never told us if the harness got the dogs to behave appropriately! I don’t want to go through this harness hell but if it can settle your dogs down maybe it’s worth it to me? I’ve got needs, June! Needs to know!

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