Winging it

I was in the yard raking feathers, as you do, because this happened:

Letitsnowyouarse
Does anyone remember when Tallulah used to be the jerky dog? Do you? Remember when she ate my Chicago Manual of Style? And my favorite childhood book that is irreplaceable? And JUST when she was getting normal, WHAT did I do?

I need to be examined in the head. "Oh, I need a PUPPY!" I said. You were here. You saw me do it. You saw me obsess. "I want a puppy so BAD! I need everything in my house destroyed! I need it to look like we had a snowstorm just in the backyard and nowhere else! I NEEEEEEED that! I need my nice silk decorative pillow to be ripped from limb to limb!"

And everyone says, "At least he did it outside," but you know what's easy? Getting up 9394959384 feathers off the grass. You know what might have been easier? Vacuuming them off the hardwood floor.

At any rate, there I was, raking the feathers, when the phone rang inside. "Don't they know I'm out here raking feathers?" I thought grumpily.

But it was that company! The one that said they'd call me if they got funding for a fabulous job for me! And I am going in today to "discuss the position."

!

!!

Also, !!

I had to buy new pants. Not because I peed on the ones I was wearing, which I kind of did, but because I bought this fancy gray-blue Chanel-ish jacket (if you could buy Chanel at J. Jill) for the last place I interviewed  and I accidentally bought CROPPED pants to go with it and I went to that interview looking like Gilligan. I have 70 bazillion black pants and no other gray or blue, and I insisted to J. Jill when I went yesterday that their my-size pants just didn't fit right.

"Are these petites or something? They don't…give in the hips, somehow."

Guess who is a size larger? Guess who is a size 4789 now? Guess who is fatter than she has ever been and misses her Topamax days so, so bad? Oh, I need to diet, and yes I DID just eat strawberry pie and yes I DID just go to the salad bar at Harris Teeter and get fried rice.

I had better go get ready, and by the way I am having a feather giveaway. I know you all come here for the giveaways on this blog, you Greedy Guses.

Also, I have had the same people as comment of the week (see the This Week's Special button) for 80 weeks and I have been meaning to give Paula H&B and her comments about her cat Simon's poop the coveted award, and I do not even think she MADE that comment in the last seven days, but I am so far behind now that I am giving it to her and will catch up on Saturday, the traditional award day.

That was the longest sentence in the history of time. Now I gotta go FIND her comment, which should be a delight. Almost as delightful as raking feathers.

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Author: June

At one point, I was sort of hot, in a "she's 27 and probably a 7" kind of a way. Now I'm old and have to develop a charming personality. Guess how that's going.

136 thoughts on “Winging it”

  1. June’s Mother, I tell people to think of me as being in that late teens/early twenties range. I don’t say the actual number because people get weird about it. Depending on how old you were when you had June, I’m granddaughter or great-granddaughter age in relation to you. Then again, my mother had me when she was fifteen, so I kind of have a warped yardstick.
    Kelly I’m not as tall and skinny as you were when you were thirteen. Also I have very little boobs but I like it that way. In fact I totally adore my whole self and this growing thing is awesome. When I was thirteen I wasn’t quite 4’11’ and I didn’t even weigh seventy pounds. I’m practically normal-sized now and still a bit scrawny-looking but I have big feet and hands and an oversized head, all of which I plan to totally grow into even if I have to do this late-bloomer business until I’m in my thirties, dammit.

    Like

  2. Kelly, I went through the puberty early too. I was the tallest kid in my class until Junior High in 7th grade. Painful! I felt like a moose the whole time I was in elementary school.
    Now I have the vertical expansion going, but hope to slow its progress with the hours and hours of gardening I’ve been doing recently! MAN, how I love the spring! It’s finally arrived here in sunny Massachusetts!

    Like

  3. Pal from MA, I know, right? It’s finally seeming springy on the Cape, too, hooray! However I’m still nervous to put the snow shovel away. I did that a few weeks ago and the next day it snowed. I think I’m gonna wait until May, just to be safe.

    Like

  4. Sadie wonders how anyone can remember their height and weight at age 13. Oh, right...y'all are much younger than old Sadie. says:

    “I’ll still weigh more than that even after I’m cremated.”
    Kelly, that just KILLED me.

    Like

  5. Sadie wonders how anyone can remember their height and weight at age 13. Oh, right...y'all are much younger than old Sadie. says:

    “I’ll still weigh more than that even after I’m cremated.”
    Kelly, that just KILLED me.

    Like

  6. Sadie wonders how anyone can remember their height and weight at age 13. Oh, right...y'all are much younger than old Sadie. says:

    “I’ll still weigh more than that even after I’m cremated.”
    Kelly, that just KILLED me.

    Like

  7. Amish Annie had such nice weather the last couple days, she painted two outbuildings. Okay, one was a very small pump house but it sounds much more impressive to say two outbuildings. says:

    As a person under 5’3″, I would love to visit the grocery store one time, just one time, and not have to ask a tall person if they would assist me with reaching an item.
    If I was tall, I would do RAoK’s every visit to the grocery store and help a short person out before being asked. Canned goods and boxed food aisles is where you’ll locate the strugglers.
    Haven’t heard “floodwater jeans” for a very long time but it makes me giggle.

    Like

  8. Amish Annie had such nice weather the last couple days, she painted two outbuildings. Okay, one was a very small pump house but it sounds much more impressive to say two outbuildings. says:

    As a person under 5’3″, I would love to visit the grocery store one time, just one time, and not have to ask a tall person if they would assist me with reaching an item.
    If I was tall, I would do RAoK’s every visit to the grocery store and help a short person out before being asked. Canned goods and boxed food aisles is where you’ll locate the strugglers.
    Haven’t heard “floodwater jeans” for a very long time but it makes me giggle.

    Like

  9. Amish Annie had such nice weather the last couple days, she painted two outbuildings. Okay, one was a very small pump house but it sounds much more impressive to say two outbuildings. says:

    As a person under 5’3″, I would love to visit the grocery store one time, just one time, and not have to ask a tall person if they would assist me with reaching an item.
    If I was tall, I would do RAoK’s every visit to the grocery store and help a short person out before being asked. Canned goods and boxed food aisles is where you’ll locate the strugglers.
    Haven’t heard “floodwater jeans” for a very long time but it makes me giggle.

    Like

  10. PJ who just got up off her creaky knees cleaning DOG BARF from the couch and the carpet. Bass trout it all, anyway! says:

    Just tried to post and typepad was very sorry that it couldn’t accept my data. What the eff? So, this is a test. Maybe it didn’t like my message.

    Like

  11. PJ who just got up off her creaky knees cleaning DOG BARF from the couch and the carpet. Bass trout it all, anyway! says:

    Just tried to post and typepad was very sorry that it couldn’t accept my data. What the eff? So, this is a test. Maybe it didn’t like my message.

    Like

  12. PJ who just got up off her creaky knees cleaning DOG BARF from the couch and the carpet. Bass trout it all, anyway! says:

    Just tried to post and typepad was very sorry that it couldn’t accept my data. What the eff? So, this is a test. Maybe it didn’t like my message.

    Like

  13. PJ who just got up off her creaky knees cleaning DOG BARF from the couch and the carpet. Bass trout it all, anyway! says:

    Given the amount of body fluids that escape from dogs IN THE HOUSE, why do we love the damn things so much and how did they ever become accepted as house pets in the first place? (Except of course because they are so sweet all snuggled up in bed with you on a chilly night. There is that…)

    Like

  14. PJ who just got up off her creaky knees cleaning DOG BARF from the couch and the carpet. Bass trout it all, anyway! says:

    Given the amount of body fluids that escape from dogs IN THE HOUSE, why do we love the damn things so much and how did they ever become accepted as house pets in the first place? (Except of course because they are so sweet all snuggled up in bed with you on a chilly night. There is that…)

    Like

  15. PJ who just got up off her creaky knees cleaning DOG BARF from the couch and the carpet. Bass trout it all, anyway! says:

    Given the amount of body fluids that escape from dogs IN THE HOUSE, why do we love the damn things so much and how did they ever become accepted as house pets in the first place? (Except of course because they are so sweet all snuggled up in bed with you on a chilly night. There is that…)

    Like

  16. Earlier I said I was expanding vertically. Nooooo. Horizontally is what i meant. (As she makes a turkey burger for herself at 9:22pm. Why so fluffy, you ask???)
    And, Amish – I’m the gal in the grocery store who will reach that top shelf product for you without you asking. I’m only 5’6″, but I feel for the shorter ilk. I don’t like to see a fellow citizen struggle, you know?
    I’m also the gal at the garden center or clothing store who you ask where something is because I apparently look like I know what I’m doing (BOY, are you wrong!! hee hee!)!

    Like

  17. Sadie - The model was definitely not targeted to my age bracket. Also, you know who I am (even though I don't), all best wishes to you for your court date in one week. Sending positive vibes. says:

    When I just logged on, the ad was for skinny fit jeans. Siren, I think this ad was for you.

    Like

  18. Ha, Kimber!! Simon and the Rogue Poos can open for Persistent Lesbians and what was the other one? Dead in My Vagina?

    Like

  19. Ha, Kimber!! Simon and the Rogue Poos can open for Persistent Lesbians and what was the other one? Dead in My Vagina?

    Like

  20. Ha, Kimber!! Simon and the Rogue Poos can open for Persistent Lesbians and what was the other one? Dead in My Vagina?

    Like

  21. Bahaha! Paula, H&B, “dead in my vagina” is awesome!
    “How bad was it?”
    “Oh my god, it was so bad it was DEAD IN MY VAGINA.”
    I totally have to use this line on my person of undefinable relationship as soon as possible.

    Like

  22. Good luck on the job, June! I’m sure your talents are WIDELY recognized. And, also too? Guess who is going to see Prince next Thursday? 10th row, baby! And the tickets were only $25, as are about 85% of the seats. He is a prince among men!

    Like

  23. Dead With No Vagina…
    No, I think the band I hired is Jack & The MeOffs…

    Like

  24. That’s right, Dead With No Vagina.
    “Dead IN my Vagina” was the working title of Lifetime’s movie about Anna Nicole Smith’s marriage.

    Like

  25. That’s right, Dead With No Vagina.
    “Dead IN my Vagina” was the working title of Lifetime’s movie about Anna Nicole Smith’s marriage.

    Like

  26. That’s right, Dead With No Vagina.
    “Dead IN my Vagina” was the working title of Lifetime’s movie about Anna Nicole Smith’s marriage.

    Like

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