Edsel’s fur has risen today

Laura and I went to church today, and yes I DO realize she just picked me up at PetSmart a few weeks ago and now here we are spending major holidays together already.

We went to Mosaic Church, which is a church specifically aimed at getting people of all colors to come. Hence the name. They are not trying to get people made out of tile.

{Bah.}

Anyway, it did indeed live up to its name and was pretty cool. There were dark people, pale people, in-between people, and so forth, and we sang songs in English and some other languages, which fortunately were put up phonetically on a big screen, and for all I know I was singing, "June is a giant tramp" but I am doubting it because it was, you know, church.

Unless that is a beloved hymn no one told me about. "When I die, I really want them to play June is a Giant Tramp. Will you be sure and have them play that for me?"

At any rate, when Laura first came to get me, Edsel did his usual solemn, well-behaved hello, which involved leaping 20 feet off the floor and attempting to mate with her, because Edsel is a Giant Tramp.

By the time we got in her car, we were both covered in dog fur, and I'd like to point out for the record that I brush this dog with a big wire brush every day, and 87 pounds of fur comes off. He loves being brushed. He gets a faraway, dreamy look when I do it.

DreamExhibit A

Nevertheless, he is Shedsel.

So when we got in her car, I spent the entire drive picking blond wispy dog fur off my pants, and I was also looking sexy because a few days ago I decided I should be the kind of person who wears high heels all the time. This was not a good idea.

HelloblisterExhibit B

I know I am the only person in the world who gets blisters on TOP of her foot from wearing high heels. Perhaps I should stop wearing the heel part up there. You think?

At any rate, with the fur and the mature band-aid, by the time old Carrie Bradshaw here walked into that church, God was like,

"Yeah. I think I like it better when you stay home."

Do you like my God font?

Anyway, they played good music at this church, and they had us stand up and clap, and there was this ADORABLE old lady in front of us who danced and sang and swayed around and you just wanted to put her in your purse and bring her home like extra biscuits, and I decided to be happy like her, so I clapped…

…and a giant piece of Edsel fur went sailing out of my hand and up to the sky.

Nice. You can't take me anywhere. I really am like PigPen. Where is my horizontal shirt?

My theory is God kind of looks at me and claps his hand to his cheek like Jack Benny, and thinks, Oh, dear. I mean, he must wonder what he was thinking when he got around to the likes of me. You know?

At any rate, for those of you who celebrate Easter, have a happy one, and enjoy your ham, and don't feel bad about the movie Babe or anything. Because Laura and I didn't just stop off at Biscuitville and eat us some Babes and eggs ourselves. Nosir.

Your giant trampy pal,

June

85 thoughts on “Edsel’s fur has risen today

  1. *I clapped…
    …and a giant piece of Edsel fur went sailing out of my hand and up to the sky.*
    I’m sure God looked upon it as your uniquely June prayer for your pets.

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  2. June–God looks at you and thinks “Every 4 legged creature down there would have a better life if June could be a part of it for 10 minutes.” I think that’s why you find so many animals. They are all trying to get their chance to be with you! You are a modern day St. Francis of Assisi! (Do you ever take your pets to St. Francis Day blessing? We used to do that with my insane labradors. Great fun!)
    Have a wonderful Easter!

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  3. Texas Kari, the Edsel hymn sounds an awful lot like a hymn I sung in church today *giggle*. Actually I didn’t sing the hymn in church, I just lip synched. Cuz that’s how bad I sing, it’s bad.
    I’m stuck on a word that is in the good old Lutheran song “Thine is the Glory” sung today and the word is “raiment”…Angels in bright raiment rolled the stone away. It means garment I think. I have that word stuck in my head and can’t get it out. Kind of like Lucille and those 400 kids song that Sadie and Siren can’t get enough of.

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  4. Also, I just knew I had dog hair on my butt and that everybody in church was staring at all the white dog hair on this dumb lady’s black pants while she was going up for communion. I wanted to brush the hair off my butt, but couldn’t do it in a way that wasn’t obvious. Afterwards, I noted, the dog hair was not in fact on my butt, but instead lined the bottom 5″ of the black pants I was wearing. Embarrassing.

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  5. Amish, I’m pretty sure the word is rainment. Sort of sure.
    Can’t imagine eating lamb. Or bunny, or anything really cute like that. But ham…mmm…bacon…double mmmm. I guess Babe is not that cute.
    June, I bought my daughter a t-shirt today that said “Dear Teacher, I eat homework every night. But it all kinda tastes the same. So from now on, if you don’t have BACON flavored homework, DON’T SEND IT! PS. GRRRRR…Signed, The Dog”. And I thought of Shedsel and Lula.
    Happy Easter Piefolk.

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  6. Letha, thanks (not that I will ever have a chance to use that word, but I would spell it right if I did).
    And I believe June was talking about her movements (bowel, that is) or lack thereof.

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  7. I recommend the Fiber One bar. The oats and chocolate one is delicious. I call it the Fiber Two Thousand bar as it is quite powerful. You may want to stay close to home.
    Then again it may have no effect on you at all. My son ate six in one day with nary a peep. Or poop.

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  8. I recommend the Fiber One bar. The oats and chocolate one is delicious. I call it the Fiber Two Thousand bar as it is quite powerful. You may want to stay close to home.
    Then again it may have no effect on you at all. My son ate six in one day with nary a peep. Or poop.

    Like

  9. I recommend the Fiber One bar. The oats and chocolate one is delicious. I call it the Fiber Two Thousand bar as it is quite powerful. You may want to stay close to home.
    Then again it may have no effect on you at all. My son ate six in one day with nary a peep. Or poop.

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  10. Six? Those are some stubborn bowels. I will give them a try as a mass exodus would be welcome around here. Well preferably in the oval office. Bah, I loved that one June. I’ll be giggling all day.

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  11. I got dressed for church yesterday, went, then went to the grocery store.
    When I got home and started to change my clothes I discovered…
    I think my fly was down the whole time.

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  12. Hope you all had a fine, fine Easter. We do not do lamb or ham or spam or anything else that rhymes with those words. I do not eat mammals. Nothing with eyelashes. Stopped when I was 18 and never looked back!
    Now, seafood and poultry? I do eat that! We had a lasagna with sauteed talian chicken sausage, onions and spinach, yummy marinara and mozzarella, parmesean and buffalo mozzarella cheesees. It was divine!
    And what is up with all y’all that you don’t poop? Why so stopped up? That is most definitely NOT a problem in this household!
    My mom is going to love this particular subject matter in the comments.

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  13. Perhaps you could call it “rainment” when it is precipitating outside.
    Pal from MA – Do chickens not have eyelashes? (I’m also a vegetarian.)
    Kelly, my fellow Tribesperson – I think God might have more of a hissy fit about the pork than the mixing of meat and dairy. (But I am also non-observant.)
    But what do I know?
    (Oh, I do know that Hulk going to church with his fly down is kind of funny.)

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