Ferrous Sulfate’s Day Off

I decided what made me ill yesterday was taking my two iron pills way too close together on Sunday. Since I was all busy getting ready and visiting God and everything, I forgot to take it till late afternoon, then I took the other one before bed, and my stomach was all, "WHAAAT? I'm coming up there to talk to you."

I called my doctor, the one who didn't quit (did I tell you the doctor who did my surgery quit? That is, like, doctor number 40,000 now) to ask if I could start taking one effing iron pill a day now and she said yes. Mostly because I have driven her to the brink like every other doctor.

So yesterday I was too afraid to even take that pill, and now I have probably depleted my body of iron and am back to being ironless again.

zzzzzzzzzzzzz….

…what? Oh, my blog. Right.

See what I did there? I fell asleep. That was anemia humor.

Anyway I am mostly better although my stomach is still a little, "You better be good to me." Tina Turner is in there. With her spike heels.

I do not understand you people who can just barf and go on with your day. It is so TRAUMATIC. I mean, maybe it is for me because I haven't done it since 1982. And my record STLL HOLDS. But man.

In other less nauseating news, the dogs and I had some drama the other night.

Now that they have their ridiculous harnesses, which kind of help, I have their leashes all twisted up so it's like one leash for me to hold. I was walking them near the perfect-lawn guy's house, and right next door to him is this kind of shady house. They always have yukky cars in the driveway, and the house needs painted, and I always figure perfect-lawn guy is appalled that he lives next door to this Herman Munster home.

So we're walking past that unkempt house when all of a sudden a HUGE PIT BULL comes CHARGING out of the screen door, there.

Now, I say "huge pit bull" without being prejudiced, as my own Tallulah is part Pit. I am not trying to say, "You all know this dog is evil in its bones because it's a Pit." Although Tallulah is pretty evil in her bones. Basically any dog charging out the screen door would be disturbing, particularly a huge one. And this one was growling.

So without thinking I dropped the leash. Because Tallulah is 800 times nicer when she's not on the leash. If she doesn't have me to worry about me, she is not so rabid. Then I did what any responsible dog owner would do.

I covered my eyes.

"DANG IT, Heather! The dog is out! Nugget! Git in here!"

The least-sophisticated person you have ever seen in your life came running out of that house.

I peeked through my hands to see the anti-Coco Chanel, and Tallulah and the Pit Bull were sniffing each other's buttal regions. Edsel was standing there like a statue. He looked horrified. If he had been able to cover his eyes he would have done so, as well.

"NUGGET! CUT IT OUT!" cried Zelda Fitzgerald, as she approached her dog. It was at that point that the two dogs started fighting, and I really don't know who started it, so stunned and scared and fashion appalled was I by the whole scenario.

Oh, it was dreadful. Tallulah and Mr. Nugget Pit, of the Embroidered Mickey Mouse Sweatshirt Nugget Pits, there, did that thing where they made a tight circle and said, "ROWR ROWR ROWR" and showed their teeth, and poor Edsel, who was connected to the whole thing by a wound leash, was still standing there with his ears down going, "holy shyte. do anyone see Edsel?"

That woman may not have been Heidi Klum, but she certainly was brave. She got right down in the whole thing and PULLED THE DOGS APART.

"GIT YER DOGS! GIT.YER.DOGS!" she yelled at me. Now, I understand I had been standing there with my hands over my eyes pretty much the entire time and I was as useless as Edsel, but geez. Nice neighborly manners. It was HER mean dog who stampeded out there.

I stepped on the leash and gathered it up and explained about the leash aggression thing, and she was hugging her mean cruel red-eyed vicious snarling dog and said, "I unnerstaynd."

Without another word, I walked on, and it was a block before the shock wore off and I started shaking. I finally stopped and checked Tallulah for any injury. She wasn't remotely upset and she didn't even have any dog spit on her, so it must have been one of those things where they made all kinds of noise and showed possessed-by-demons faces but did not actually bite each other. Either that or she was the total victor in that round.

I kind of hope so.

Edsel is seeking therapy for his PTSD and is taking valium for the next week. Good gravy, he is a wimp.

Edsers "we all just get 'long?"

Before I go, I wonder if anyone can tell me what the teensy green bugs are on my climbing roses, and what I can do to gleefully murder them. Perhaps Nugget could come over them and chaw them with his flea teeth. Perhaps Nugget's mom could show the bugs one of her outfits and they would die of shock.

Suggestions, please.

102 thoughts on “Ferrous Sulfate’s Day Off

  1. Hulk (Please don't think I would just walk up to a dog and punch him. I know enough idiot humans to curb THAT urge...) says:

    In my defense, he bit down on my hand; luckily, he only got the rubber glove I was wearing. When I pulled it away, I was so pissed I went all Dorothy on his ass…

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  2. Hulk (Please don't think I would just walk up to a dog and punch him. I know enough idiot humans to curb THAT urge...) says:

    In my defense, he bit down on my hand; luckily, he only got the rubber glove I was wearing. When I pulled it away, I was so pissed I went all Dorothy on his ass…

    Like

  3. Hulk (Please don't think I would just walk up to a dog and punch him. I know enough idiot humans to curb THAT urge...) says:

    In my defense, he bit down on my hand; luckily, he only got the rubber glove I was wearing. When I pulled it away, I was so pissed I went all Dorothy on his ass…

    Like

  4. I thought of PiePal when you told this story. She’s probably too PTSDed to even comment.
    I’m glad you feel better now June. I hoope you get the textbook finished so you can enjoy your last few days of freedom.
    Siren, your bunny dildo is HI-larious. I wonder what having the word dildo so many times in the comments is going to bring in the way of pervert traffic.

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  5. Speaking of puking, my husband went to the ER last night with a kidney stone. I was a trooper and hung by his side at all hours of the morning until he decided he was going to throw up. I was outta there. Matter of fact, went home and left his ass there for a few hours till that sh*t stopped!
    No puking here.

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  6. Aphids. If you don’t like pesticides you can drown them in dishsoap and water. It won’t hurt your roses. I can’t believe they have you on so much iron, you must never be able to go poo.

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  7. Maybe the Perfect Lawn guy copes with his PSDT from the neighbors by keeping his lawn in perfect order? All blades of grass kept the same length via a magnifying glass and manicuring scissors.

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  8. Re: pests If you have a REAL plant nursery nearby (not Lowe’s of Home Depot) you can break off a branch with bugs and take it to them at the help desk. They will actually (wait for it!) HELP you and suggest remedies.

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  9. PJ the mortal enemy of Japanese beetles and aphids. Learned the dish soap (not dishwasher detergent) from my grandmother who always threw her dishwater out in the garden for this very reason. says:

    Ladybug buyers? Want a word of advice from Bin There Dun That? Before you release your ladybugs water the area thoroughly. They arrive dehydrated and if your garden is dry they will fly away to the nearest watered area. Like watching your money blow away in a breeze, it is.

    Like

  10. PJ the mortal enemy of Japanese beetles and aphids. Learned the dish soap (not dishwasher detergent) from my grandmother who always threw her dishwater out in the garden for this very reason. says:

    Ladybug buyers? Want a word of advice from Bin There Dun That? Before you release your ladybugs water the area thoroughly. They arrive dehydrated and if your garden is dry they will fly away to the nearest watered area. Like watching your money blow away in a breeze, it is.

    Like

  11. PJ the mortal enemy of Japanese beetles and aphids. Learned the dish soap (not dishwasher detergent) from my grandmother who always threw her dishwater out in the garden for this very reason. says:

    Ladybug buyers? Want a word of advice from Bin There Dun That? Before you release your ladybugs water the area thoroughly. They arrive dehydrated and if your garden is dry they will fly away to the nearest watered area. Like watching your money blow away in a breeze, it is.

    Like

  12. I know the answer to that one (hence my name)….if they’re teeny tiny and light green they’re probably aphids. Very common with roses. I usually spray mine with a killer. You can kill them systemically, too. Just ask your handy Home Depot/Lowe’s garden person.
    Sorry about the dog fight. Yikes.

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  13. Aphid advice from a PNW person who has seen enough of them- Put the lady bugs out when it is dusk and water beforehand. Also, epsom salts scratched into the drip line will help get rid of them too. Mix with alfalfa to help fertilize too.

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  14. Ann, no worries, I think there’s plenty of us Late Bloomers on here…tho’ I did get the “Zelda Fitzgerald” reference…and I could hardly wrap my mind around a Zelda-Grapes of Wrath – Adamns Family combo. Lulu saved Edsel and Junie’s lives!

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  15. I did the dish soap thing and it worked, but it also burned up all the leaves. Apparently I didn’t dilute it enough. Also my neighbor said I should have rinsed it off after a little while. That seems like too much work.
    Anita, my dog had a cut on her back and I put one of my daughter’s Tshirts on her. Tied it in a knot to keep it in the right spot, and it was perfect. Kept her from touching it and so much more comfortable (I assume) and cuter than the cone!

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  16. Angie, that is a great solution! Anita, depending on what kind of sore it is (hot spot or wound), maybe a triple antibiotic on it before the t-shirt goes on.
    PetVet/Web MD we are here.

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  17. I too like the neem oil + dish soap approach. Works great. Make sure it’s 100% neem oil (I ordered online) and dilute according to instructions on the bottle.
    Love Edsel. Soooo cute. God, I hate dog drama. I have two Goldens and when a dog approaches with its hackles up, my younger Golden gets really defensive-aggressive and it is so awful, the dog tension and fear of it escalating.

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  18. Yes, PJ> Water! They are hungry and thirsty. And if you get them before you’re ready to put them out, make sure you put them in the fridge to keep them alive. Take them out about 15 minutes before having the time of your life setting them loose in the garden!

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  19. Late to the party: June, I can take barfing in stride b/c when preggers with child No. 2, I threw up for 30 weeks. Yes, you read that correctly: Thirty. Weeks. You can get used to anything if you do it that long.

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  20. I agree, Cathy Webster. The moment I saw it I desperately wanted to make some IRONic comment that somehow wittily incorporated the abbreviation Fe but then I realized not only was I very unclear on what irony is in the first place, but also I have a rule in my life to never get involved with the periodic table because that shit is just terrifyingly scientific. So I stayed in my comfort zone and talked about, you know, dildos and such instead.

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  21. June, did you find your camera battery charger or did you take Edsel’s picture with your phone? I’m asking because the picture is so, uncharacteristically, clear.

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  22. June, did you find your camera battery charger or did you take Edsel’s picture with your phone? I’m asking because the picture is so, uncharacteristically, clear.

    Like

  23. June, did you find your camera battery charger or did you take Edsel’s picture with your phone? I’m asking because the picture is so, uncharacteristically, clear.

    Like

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