I am berserk · June's stupid life

Crawly things

I was trying to take a photo of how much more appropriately necklaced I was today, but the picture I took with my camera phone looks like I have a mustache.

Stache
Seriously. What's going on, there? Is that a 'stache, or, God forbid, a NEW LINE on my face? NewLine Cinemas called. Wants to sue me for taking all the new lines.

Jugs
Then I remembered I had the webcam fixed, and excitedly took this picture, which makes it look like I have 49 JJJ hoots. Which am I? A mustached man or a hooty woman? Nature needs to make up its mind.

In other news, I have not forgotten to tell you the scorpion-under-my-corner-cabinet story, which may be some kind of record, because I ALWAYS forget to tell you stories I say "remind me to tell you…" about.

Oh, but before I tell that story? Someone at work had my exact sweater on. Well, obviously not my EXACT sweater, as then I would be going around topless and it's a little soon for that even for me. But it was the same sweater, I mean. She wore it better. If we were in US Magazine she totally would have gotten the majority of the votes. For one thing, she has no facial hair.

Okay, so the scorpion. Which may not have even been a scorpion. I did not ask it its sign.

On Saturday night I was on the couch, poring over that ding and also dang statistics textbook, which was the Everlasting Gobstopper of all statistics textbooks. Tallulah was being a faithful cur and was sleeping on the floor right next to the couch.

All of a sudden ("all the sudden") (sigh), she JUMPED up and went TEARING into the dining room, where the lights were off, but do you know that even though it was dark in there, I saw…

movement…across the floor.

I was frozen. FROZEN! in shock and disgust. The, you know, THING, whatever it was, scurried across the room and under the corner cabinet.

It really looked like a scorpion to me. It was the size of one. It didn't move like a cockroach. It wasn't that fast. It may also have been a teensy field mouse, as I had had the back door open, which I really need to stop doing.

Tallulah flattened herself to the height of the bottom of the corner cabinet and tried to scooch under there, like she was some kind of Viet Nam soldier crawling through the rice paddies.

I have no idea if they crawled though rice paddies in Viet Nam. I was trying to sound authentic.

The dog was flat, is what I am trying to get across to you.

"Get it, Talu!" I yelled encouragingly, as I folded myself into a ball on the couch. Edsel, meanwhile, had pressed his eyeballs into my legs so he could not see anything. I told this story to Hulk and he said, "Edsel sounds like a total puss."

You know, Edsel IS a total puss, but I think also he picks up on my emotions, like Elliott and E.T., so because I was repulsed and terrified, so was he.

After a few minutes, it was evident that 50-pound Tallulah was not going to be able to squeeze herself under the corner cabinet, as much as I wished it were true. So I did what any fiercely independent, strong woman of the '10s would do.

I called Marvin.

And he WASN'T HOME. I was totally Diane Keaton calling because there was a spider in the bathroom, and I shudder to think of what kind of hot Saturday night, Larry-on-Three's-Company evening Marvin was having while I battled scorpions and rats and poison and possibly guns and roses over there in my dining room.

Finally I pushed Edsel's irises off my knees and got all my gumption up and got the flashlight. I scrinched down 800 feet from the corner cabinet and turned on the flashlight.

And the terrible part? The thing was not there. IT WASN'T THERE! It is IN HERE living AMONG US somewhere. Ima open my medicine cabinet and there he'll BE someday, SMILING at me. He'll be in my CEREAL some morning. He'll crawl down my THROAT while I SLEEP.

He totally has a blog: Scorpion's Barbs. "Girl with hair on face sleep long time. Touch her lip with stinger. Giggle. Touch her wimp dog too. Giggle again. Come back next week for my special post: Best shoes to hide in!"

I kind of love myself for Scorpion's Barbs.

So that is my hell. I am trying not to think about it too much. Except for the part where I just blogged about it.

Marvin is a Scorpio. Do you think this is somehow symbolic? At least a crab didn't crawl under the corner cabinet. That is my sign. If Barry Gibb's astrological sign crawled under my cabinet, I'd have a virgin under there. Of course, for all I know that scorpion is as pure as the driven snow. And therefore kind of crabby.

I need to get out more. Perhaps I could tool over to the mustache wax place.

 

91 thoughts on “Crawly things

  1. All you guys and your so-called “old” houses…HAH!
    My house was built in 1800 and you wanna talk crawly things? Ack! There is not a square corner or tight joint in one room of this house!
    And, nice chesticles there, Junie! Holy mammaries! I thought my tatas were big, but you’ve definitely got me beat!
    Lastly, I just kept thinking, better to have a camel cricket than a camel toe. Just sayin’.

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  2. “It lives here among us”-you are killing me, that is so funny, and terrible. Do you even have scorpions in your area? Hopefully it was just a mouse, but that sucks too. What a good dog Talu is, defending her pack!

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  3. It’s probably just the lighting, but if you really have a mustache, think “laser hair removal.” And there are differences in the lasers — some are less painful:)Definitely worth it! See bluewaterspa.com — I was pleased.

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  4. Lisa Pie: I am sorry we are hogging all the rain. I will try to wish a portion your way, if you will ask it to stay away from me for a while.
    And I’m also very sorry that my bears ate your decorative boot accessories. I hope my bears don’t get blown away by their new objects of affection, the random loud acts of nature.

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  5. My name is Pamela and I am Soul Sister #2 and my house in suburban NJ is crawling with creepy crawlies! says:

    Oh how hilarious this all is!
    I had no idea you were so boobalicious, June! And I’m not even lesbian…not that there’s anything wrong with that!
    I live in a 60+ year old house, albeit a renovated one, and we are visited by every insect and arachnoid known to modern man. The latest incarnation are the dreaded STINK BUGS! Ugh! Those have to be disposed of VERY CAREFULLY! We also back up to a lake, so the spiders come in handy in eating the mosquitos. We don’t kill them. In fact we don’t kill anything if it’s outside. But once something is in the house, it’s fair game!
    I’m a crabby Cancer too, June! 7/13! I fit the profile of the “old” zodiac to the “tee”, so I’m sticking with it!
    I’m also comma crazy, Rice Crispy Treat! My boss, for whom I write and she signs, told me so one day. She signs everything anyway! I’m also quotation mark and exclamation point-crazed too! See above! See?!
    P.S. Is my hyphen correct?

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  6. Just read a FB comment on another comment that said: “diddo, someone should of done that.” Ack!
    Love the new schedule, but I am a bit off kilter, like we’ve gone from Daylight Savings June to Eastern Standard June.

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  7. “all the sudden” (sigh)
    I’m dying over this. I’m an editor too and love that you write stuff like this. I’m not a writer though, which is why I don’t have a blog. I could never be as funny as you are June.
    I love the sweater and the necklace.

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  8. I hate to laugh when you are in mortal danger (or not), but good golly! you are funny! and busty! but not at all mustache-y.

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  9. Totally missed the scorpions. Didn’t know they existed in NC. But you should Googgle and find out, June. ‘Cause you probably have the tiny one inch ones like they have in Georgia, not the giant four inch crunchy ones you see on TV like they have out West.
    Imma betting on the mouse.
    Because of all the flooding and it’s breeding season, we’re having trouble with infestations of Copperheads. My friend’s Chihuahua mix was bitten on the eye last week. (He’s fine.)
    I’d rather have the scorpions.

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  10. I have had some MASSIVE spiders in my house in my time. The most recent was just last week when Cat-O was at the front door asking to come in. We opened the door, and he ran in, and this MASSIVE spider came in, too. We were all, “WTF, Cat-O? What’s the deal with your spider friend?” The spider ran into the bathroom and hid under the toilet while I tried to coax it out with a broom and only succeeded in killing it (yay!). Cat-O was in the living room, oblivious.

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  11. Dang. Is there more gravity in NC than other places?
    Ha. No. Kidding. Who said “Nice funbags” up there? That killed me. Totally gonna start saying that.
    Two things (not counting June’s triple jay’s there):
    ~What’s wrong with “all of a sudden”? Who the heck says “all THE sudden”?
    ~What is the difference between “upload” and “download”?

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  12. Dearest Titsianna,
    Not to be contrary, but I am not looking up or clicking on any of those bug links. (Who am I, Max Braverman? No.) Palmetto bugs, water bugs, anything like that, they are terrorists. Blech. Shudder. If I thought I saw one in the house, it would cause what I like to poetically refer to as a shit hemorrhage.
    Now that’s a sweater,
    Paula H&B

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  13. Dearest Titsianna,
    Not to be contrary, but I am not looking up or clicking on any of those bug links. (Who am I, Max Braverman? No.) Palmetto bugs, water bugs, anything like that, they are terrorists. Blech. Shudder. If I thought I saw one in the house, it would cause what I like to poetically refer to as a shit hemorrhage.
    Now that’s a sweater,
    Paula H&B

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  14. Dearest Titsianna,
    Not to be contrary, but I am not looking up or clicking on any of those bug links. (Who am I, Max Braverman? No.) Palmetto bugs, water bugs, anything like that, they are terrorists. Blech. Shudder. If I thought I saw one in the house, it would cause what I like to poetically refer to as a shit hemorrhage.
    Now that’s a sweater,
    Paula H&B

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  15. Those mega-tatas totally freaked out whatever varmit was in your house…. think about it with those humoungus bazoombas coming at you would you stick around….. geez crazy cleavage.

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  16. All the roses on yesterday’s pink sweater must have hid that huge rack of yours.
    I’m with PJ; that is an adorable apron hanging up. Is it just for decor since you don’t actually cook?

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  17. GardenGirl....who when she was in her 20's wore the same (very unusual) dress to the company christmas party as another female. says:

    Geesh……the same sweater. I HATE when that happens. Was she younger and thinner, too? (eye roll)
    Okay, here’s what you do….you MUST convince yourself beyond a shadow of a doubt that the thing in the dining room *was* in fact most certainly a teensy field mouse….and he flattened out his little field mouse body and has since left your house on his own. There. Now. Sleep well tonight without any fear! You’re welcome.

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  18. Holy Hoo-Ha’s! June’s got a rack!
    I would not be able to sleep or eat or breathe or live if I was alone and thought a “teensy field mouse” had entered my abode. Did you leave a message for Marvin? Did he call you back? Was he kind?
    I would like to see an occasional Scorpion’s Barb blog here. Good stuff. I laughed out loud. It made me giggle that a scorpion would giggle after touching your lip and then your wussy dog.

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  19. The thought that the creepy thing has yet to be found freaks me out and I’m not even there! I hope you find it fast! And get rid of it. I will sleep better at night then.

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  20. Love the sweater and the necklace. Hate scorpions.

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  21. I still adore your hair. I have no (zero, zip nada) fashion sense, but think you look very pretty in anything you wear.
    Sweet dreams tonight.

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  22. I’m thinking the big boobs paired with the mustache will benefit you with your drag queen career aspirations.
    More authentic.

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  23. You need that sweater in every color it comes in dear June. It is amazing on you! We have ‘wood scorpions’ here in Alabama and when we built this house they would appear in the closet. I was worried they would kill the kitties but the vet says they might sting a little. My bug fear is any kind of jumping bug (like mainly a cricket). I have a complete come apart with those and when I was dating DH, called him to drive 30 minutes to my apartment to kill a cricket in my bathtub. And yes, he married me anyway.
    Paula H&B I agree with you on the dental hate.

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  24. Beverly (who has giant boobs of her own but also a giant gut and ass to go along with them) says:

    And June, I completely adore your necklace.

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  25. We had hundreds of camel crickets when we moved into this house. The dog? Did nothing. Honest to goodness, they would cascade down the steps to the basement. After the cats arrived, though, they were eliminated in about two weeks. Loooooove my kitties!
    Hate scorpions but love the image of one giggling over you. Also? Quite boobalicious, my dear. Wowza!

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  26. I copied and pasted this for you. You’re welcome.
    Unfortunately, the sighting of one scorpion sends people into a nervous panic. Although the Southern Unstriped Scorpion can sting, there is little danger of death. Individuals who are already allergic to insect stings need to be more cautious. The sting of a scorpion is painful, so folks that have sighted a few in their home may want to take some simple precautions. The easiest step to take is to vigorously shake clothing before wearing. Shaking is particularly useful with shoes stored in a closet. Scorpions tend to be more active at night so beds should not touch the room walls. In houses where scorpions have been seen before, individuals should not walk barefooted at night.

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  27. anita,
    i was thinking a millipede thing too. UGH!! i had those in an apt in ny… they are the most awfully creepy things in the whole world.
    and june, i have two words: minimizer bra.
    also, “all the sudden” is wonderful.
    my personal favorite? when people put “wa laa!!” when they mean, “voila!” but that one makes me laugh while i cringe. 🙂

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  28. Beverly (who has giant boobs of her own but also a giant gut and ass to go along with them) says:

    Letha, ha ha ha!!
    I live in a 65-year-old house surrounded by huge old trees which are full of bugs. The windows are original so they have lots of ways for crawly things to get in. In fact, the exterminator was waiting for me to meet him one afternoon and he asked me if I had roaches. I told him I see 2 or 3 a year in my house. He was amazed because he said they were falling out of the trees onto the hood of his truck while he was sitting in my driveway. Ewwww! Roaches falling out of the trees!!!! Ick.

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  29. Whatever that thing is, you don’t have to worry about it crawling down your throat while you’re asleep. It will totally head for your ears.
    Helpfully,
    Siren

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  30. Did anyone catch the “How I Met Your Mother” episode last night when they discovered a “cockamouse,” half cockroach, half mouse? Just askin’… nothing to do with June’s post whatsoever.

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  31. … guns and roses. Bhahaha.
    And sorry Paula H&B. Your check book must be smokin’! Those guys aren’t cheap.

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  32. Beverly (who has giant boobs of her own but also a giant gut and ass to go along with them) says:

    With boobs like that you really should be doing lesbian porn.
    Life down here in the south on the east coast is full of horrid things. I had the scorpion experience in the mountain cabin, one time a scorpion crawled out of my ex-husband’s golf bag into the middle of the living room, I had a foot long rat trying to chew a hole through the drywall from my crawl space behind my refrigerator a few years ago, I have those awful camel crickets from time to time, and last year my kitchen was infested by ants. And I hate crawly things so dealing with all of this as a single person sucks.

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  33. Paula H&B who just got drilled for two hours, and not in a good way, got a filling and a temporary TRIPLE crown (neigh-gh-gh) and has to go back next week for MORE. says:

    I HATE THE DENTIST.

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  34. Paula H&B who just got drilled for two hours, and not in a good way, got a filling and a temporary TRIPLE crown (neigh-gh-gh) and has to go back next week for MORE. says:

    I HATE THE DENTIST.

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  35. Paula H&B who just got drilled for two hours, and not in a good way, got a filling and a temporary TRIPLE crown (neigh-gh-gh) and has to go back next week for MORE. says:

    I HATE THE DENTIST.

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  36. I felt like that second picture was in 3D. It was like your boobs were popping off my monitor. I think you should wear that sweater when you start dating. I don’t care if it’s 134 degrees out.
    You know that scorpion was probably under the bottom of the cabinet giggling at you saying “you can’t see me, you can’t see me”.
    Reproachfully, nice one Siren.

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  37. the scorpion ordered in …”meals on heels?” Junie and Matzekatze … so so funny.

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  38. Gosh June, you look like a 1950’s pin up girl. I really, really like that necklace and sweater..very glamorous.
    And I am now totally convinced that some kind of half scorpion – alien has hatched IN YOUR HOUSE. Lulu knows it exists. Edsel fears for what may happen.
    p.s. I hope it moves on down the road to Zelda Fitzgerald’s house…unless that’s where it came from…?

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  39. Is that not the most adorable apron hanging on that door? So cute.
    And you look lovely, my dear.
    And also, camel crickets are always in my garage. Always. They can be totally ignored. Unless they get in your bathroom and then they must be pounced upon immediately, icked over, wadded up in toilet paper and flushed. Because they are creepy when they are in the house is why.

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  40. Whooee. If my breasticles looked as good as yours, I’d take lots of pictures and upload them to Facebook.
    Either way you look at it, cricket, scorpion or mouse, you have Lu that will alert you before it could ever get to your throat.

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  41. I was going to say it’s a camel cricket as well. They freak me out. I was horrified when we moved here in NC to find those critters on our porch. Maybe Fran will mistake it for a bunny, what with the hopping and all.

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  42. So, I hate to tell you, but there are indeed scorpions in NC – Southern DEVIL Scorpions to be exact. Which somehow seems redundant, no? Not to freak you out or anything – just thought you should know.
    Also, too? My eyes about popped out my head at that photo of your bazooms. Wow, is what I have to say to that. I might need to get me one of those sweaters (and then you and me and your new work friend could all wear them together at the same time).

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  43. That necklace is divine. Your chest is a little (ok a LOT!) distracting. Girlfriend needs to back up a bit from the camera. Be the Edsel, be the Edsel!

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  44. So. After all that, the thing I love the most is that you used ‘tool’ to mean go. Don’t think I’ve heard that since high school…and I’m about a hundred years older than you.

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  45. It never even occurred to me to wonder whether there even really are scorpions in NC. Prolly not, huh? Maybe it was a mouse. They don’t scare me. They’re just dirty little things that are eager to avoid humans and the average dog. Of course that makes one wonder – where was Fran when this was going on? Seems like a job for a cat. Ooooohhh! Maybe your kitten will be a mouser!
    Or, maybe it really was a scorpion after all.

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  46. oh my goodness! The scorpion’s barb thing was HILARIOUS. You amaze me with your wit.
    Also? I thought everyone’s sign is now, wrong or something. What is going on with that? are you sure you are a crab still?
    Or a cancer?
    Cancerous Crabs. That would be a bad day. Just be thankful you haven’t found those anywhere.
    p.s. A pox on Marvin for not being home.

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  47. I’m new to the east coast. Do they even have scorpions here? Because in Texas, where I am most recently from, the scorpions are as big as, well…Texas! I have had more than my fair share of fright from a scorpion or eight.
    I feel you, sistah. Good thing you have Tallulah. Both of my dogs make Edsel look like Bruce Willis in the Die Hard movies.

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  48. I used to live down there in good old Greensboro and I can say with some degree of certainty that there are no scorpions in the state of N.C.
    You’ll be just fine you brave woman!

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