Crawly things

I was trying to take a photo of how much more appropriately necklaced I was today, but the picture I took with my camera phone looks like I have a mustache.

Stache
Seriously. What's going on, there? Is that a 'stache, or, God forbid, a NEW LINE on my face? NewLine Cinemas called. Wants to sue me for taking all the new lines.

Jugs
Then I remembered I had the webcam fixed, and excitedly took this picture, which makes it look like I have 49 JJJ hoots. Which am I? A mustached man or a hooty woman? Nature needs to make up its mind.

In other news, I have not forgotten to tell you the scorpion-under-my-corner-cabinet story, which may be some kind of record, because I ALWAYS forget to tell you stories I say "remind me to tell you…" about.

Oh, but before I tell that story? Someone at work had my exact sweater on. Well, obviously not my EXACT sweater, as then I would be going around topless and it's a little soon for that even for me. But it was the same sweater, I mean. She wore it better. If we were in US Magazine she totally would have gotten the majority of the votes. For one thing, she has no facial hair.

Okay, so the scorpion. Which may not have even been a scorpion. I did not ask it its sign.

On Saturday night I was on the couch, poring over that ding and also dang statistics textbook, which was the Everlasting Gobstopper of all statistics textbooks. Tallulah was being a faithful cur and was sleeping on the floor right next to the couch.

All of a sudden ("all the sudden") (sigh), she JUMPED up and went TEARING into the dining room, where the lights were off, but do you know that even though it was dark in there, I saw…

movement…across the floor.

I was frozen. FROZEN! in shock and disgust. The, you know, THING, whatever it was, scurried across the room and under the corner cabinet.

It really looked like a scorpion to me. It was the size of one. It didn't move like a cockroach. It wasn't that fast. It may also have been a teensy field mouse, as I had had the back door open, which I really need to stop doing.

Tallulah flattened herself to the height of the bottom of the corner cabinet and tried to scooch under there, like she was some kind of Viet Nam soldier crawling through the rice paddies.

I have no idea if they crawled though rice paddies in Viet Nam. I was trying to sound authentic.

The dog was flat, is what I am trying to get across to you.

"Get it, Talu!" I yelled encouragingly, as I folded myself into a ball on the couch. Edsel, meanwhile, had pressed his eyeballs into my legs so he could not see anything. I told this story to Hulk and he said, "Edsel sounds like a total puss."

You know, Edsel IS a total puss, but I think also he picks up on my emotions, like Elliott and E.T., so because I was repulsed and terrified, so was he.

After a few minutes, it was evident that 50-pound Tallulah was not going to be able to squeeze herself under the corner cabinet, as much as I wished it were true. So I did what any fiercely independent, strong woman of the '10s would do.

I called Marvin.

And he WASN'T HOME. I was totally Diane Keaton calling because there was a spider in the bathroom, and I shudder to think of what kind of hot Saturday night, Larry-on-Three's-Company evening Marvin was having while I battled scorpions and rats and poison and possibly guns and roses over there in my dining room.

Finally I pushed Edsel's irises off my knees and got all my gumption up and got the flashlight. I scrinched down 800 feet from the corner cabinet and turned on the flashlight.

And the terrible part? The thing was not there. IT WASN'T THERE! It is IN HERE living AMONG US somewhere. Ima open my medicine cabinet and there he'll BE someday, SMILING at me. He'll be in my CEREAL some morning. He'll crawl down my THROAT while I SLEEP.

He totally has a blog: Scorpion's Barbs. "Girl with hair on face sleep long time. Touch her lip with stinger. Giggle. Touch her wimp dog too. Giggle again. Come back next week for my special post: Best shoes to hide in!"

I kind of love myself for Scorpion's Barbs.

So that is my hell. I am trying not to think about it too much. Except for the part where I just blogged about it.

Marvin is a Scorpio. Do you think this is somehow symbolic? At least a crab didn't crawl under the corner cabinet. That is my sign. If Barry Gibb's astrological sign crawled under my cabinet, I'd have a virgin under there. Of course, for all I know that scorpion is as pure as the driven snow. And therefore kind of crabby.

I need to get out more. Perhaps I could tool over to the mustache wax place.

 

91 thoughts on “Crawly things

  1. Dearest Titsianna,
    Not to be contrary, but I am not looking up or clicking on any of those bug links. (Who am I, Max Braverman? No.) Palmetto bugs, water bugs, anything like that, they are terrorists. Blech. Shudder. If I thought I saw one in the house, it would cause what I like to poetically refer to as a shit hemorrhage.
    Now that’s a sweater,
    Paula H&B

    Like

  2. Dearest Titsianna,
    Not to be contrary, but I am not looking up or clicking on any of those bug links. (Who am I, Max Braverman? No.) Palmetto bugs, water bugs, anything like that, they are terrorists. Blech. Shudder. If I thought I saw one in the house, it would cause what I like to poetically refer to as a shit hemorrhage.
    Now that’s a sweater,
    Paula H&B

    Like

  3. Dearest Titsianna,
    Not to be contrary, but I am not looking up or clicking on any of those bug links. (Who am I, Max Braverman? No.) Palmetto bugs, water bugs, anything like that, they are terrorists. Blech. Shudder. If I thought I saw one in the house, it would cause what I like to poetically refer to as a shit hemorrhage.
    Now that’s a sweater,
    Paula H&B

    Like

  4. Dang. Is there more gravity in NC than other places?
    Ha. No. Kidding. Who said “Nice funbags” up there? That killed me. Totally gonna start saying that.
    Two things (not counting June’s triple jay’s there):
    ~What’s wrong with “all of a sudden”? Who the heck says “all THE sudden”?
    ~What is the difference between “upload” and “download”?

    Like

  5. I have had some MASSIVE spiders in my house in my time. The most recent was just last week when Cat-O was at the front door asking to come in. We opened the door, and he ran in, and this MASSIVE spider came in, too. We were all, “WTF, Cat-O? What’s the deal with your spider friend?” The spider ran into the bathroom and hid under the toilet while I tried to coax it out with a broom and only succeeded in killing it (yay!). Cat-O was in the living room, oblivious.

    Like

  6. Totally missed the scorpions. Didn’t know they existed in NC. But you should Googgle and find out, June. ‘Cause you probably have the tiny one inch ones like they have in Georgia, not the giant four inch crunchy ones you see on TV like they have out West.
    Imma betting on the mouse.
    Because of all the flooding and it’s breeding season, we’re having trouble with infestations of Copperheads. My friend’s Chihuahua mix was bitten on the eye last week. (He’s fine.)
    I’d rather have the scorpions.

    Like

  7. I hate to laugh when you are in mortal danger (or not), but good golly! you are funny! and busty! but not at all mustache-y.

    Like

  8. “all the sudden” (sigh)
    I’m dying over this. I’m an editor too and love that you write stuff like this. I’m not a writer though, which is why I don’t have a blog. I could never be as funny as you are June.
    I love the sweater and the necklace.

    Like

  9. Just read a FB comment on another comment that said: “diddo, someone should of done that.” Ack!
    Love the new schedule, but I am a bit off kilter, like we’ve gone from Daylight Savings June to Eastern Standard June.

    Like

  10. My name is Pamela and I am Soul Sister #2 and my house in suburban NJ is crawling with creepy crawlies! says:

    Oh how hilarious this all is!
    I had no idea you were so boobalicious, June! And I’m not even lesbian…not that there’s anything wrong with that!
    I live in a 60+ year old house, albeit a renovated one, and we are visited by every insect and arachnoid known to modern man. The latest incarnation are the dreaded STINK BUGS! Ugh! Those have to be disposed of VERY CAREFULLY! We also back up to a lake, so the spiders come in handy in eating the mosquitos. We don’t kill them. In fact we don’t kill anything if it’s outside. But once something is in the house, it’s fair game!
    I’m a crabby Cancer too, June! 7/13! I fit the profile of the “old” zodiac to the “tee”, so I’m sticking with it!
    I’m also comma crazy, Rice Crispy Treat! My boss, for whom I write and she signs, told me so one day. She signs everything anyway! I’m also quotation mark and exclamation point-crazed too! See above! See?!
    P.S. Is my hyphen correct?

    Like

  11. Lisa Pie: I am sorry we are hogging all the rain. I will try to wish a portion your way, if you will ask it to stay away from me for a while.
    And I’m also very sorry that my bears ate your decorative boot accessories. I hope my bears don’t get blown away by their new objects of affection, the random loud acts of nature.

    Like

  12. It’s probably just the lighting, but if you really have a mustache, think “laser hair removal.” And there are differences in the lasers — some are less painful:)Definitely worth it! See bluewaterspa.com — I was pleased.

    Like

  13. “It lives here among us”-you are killing me, that is so funny, and terrible. Do you even have scorpions in your area? Hopefully it was just a mouse, but that sucks too. What a good dog Talu is, defending her pack!

    Like

  14. All you guys and your so-called “old” houses…HAH!
    My house was built in 1800 and you wanna talk crawly things? Ack! There is not a square corner or tight joint in one room of this house!
    And, nice chesticles there, Junie! Holy mammaries! I thought my tatas were big, but you’ve definitely got me beat!
    Lastly, I just kept thinking, better to have a camel cricket than a camel toe. Just sayin’.

    Like

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