Family · June's stupid life

Oops. Forgot to put a title here. Let’s call it My Chubby Cousin

Look! I'm home for lunch.

Junebarry What I like about this picture is you can see my Barry Gibb photo on the fridge in the background. Okay, I did not PRINT OUT a picture of Barry Gibb and put it on my refrigerator. A faithful reader sent it to me. What could I do but put it up?

Anyway. Today I have on a light blue sweater with the busy necklace. Other than that I am completely naked.

Also it rained this morning, which is why my hair is all WHOODEWHOOOOO! I will slap product on it before I return to the workplace. I like coming home at lunch. I can tweak my look.

Ima tell you a story my cousin told me today, which she did not give me permission to tell, but she is a nurse who works all night so I can't call her to ask if I can tell it and I just have to take the chance she won't get mad at me.

My cousin has been trying to call me for three days, but I have been ignoring her because I have been busy with the whole new-job thing. This morning my phone rang at 7:30.

"You have got to be kidding,"I  said friendly-ly to her when I picked up.

"I have something to TELL you and I am going to stalk you till I get ahold of you," she said.

"What if I'd been in a happy slumber?"

"You have a j-o-b now so consider this a wake-up call for your a-s-s," she said. She has always been pleasant.

My cousin, who shall remain nameless for this story but if you ever read my blog you probably already know her name, is 33 years old and is very attractive. Let's just get that part out of the way right now. I mean, I am not saying "very attractive" in that way you'd say it because you like your cousin but really she scares little children when she emerges from underneath a bridge. Really. She is very very pretty.

She lives near a hoity-toity city, and she went to the hoity-toity city this past weekend to get her some new jeans, as the jeans she bought last year got ruined and one thing I can say about my cousin is she may be attractive but she does not like to part with a penny. Is what she does not like to do. She takes after her dad that way, who was once quoted as saying to his then-wife, "I'm gonna get you a GOOD watch. We're getting you a Timex."

Note I said then-wife.

He also once said, and I am not making this up, "I don't know if I can stay married to a woman who spent $20 on a dress." I mean, it was 1979 when he said it, but STILL. PocaHONtas spent more than $20 on dresses.

At any rate, my cousin's one pair of jeans wore out so with great sturm and drang or whatever that phrase is, she went to the hoity-toity town to get new ones, even though I am certain her husband probably told her to go to the army surplus store for new ones, because she married someone a lot like her dad when it comes to glamor.

She was greeted by an extremely skinny woman in her 40s who had big ol' titties.

"What size jeans do you need?" asked Silicone Woman.

My cousin told her, and I will not reveal what she said, but let's just say the size is less than the average size of the American woman, okay? LESS THAN THE SIZE OF THE AMERICAN WOMAN. Oh, and I should mention my cousin is quite tall, which accounts for her jeans size, as well.

"We don't have that size."

So, my cousin tried on the size they DID have, and when those did not fit, old Plastic Boobs said, "Let me call over to our sister store."

My cousin heard the entire phone call: "Hi. I have a customer here who needs OVERSIZE JEANS. She's a size _____! Do you have those?"

When my poor relative emerged (rolled) (waddled) from the dressing room, old Skinny Minnie, there, informed her that, yes, they did manage to gather all the denim in all the land to create the OVERSIZE jeans and that she should get her crane to lift her over to the store.

Once she got over there, no doubt stopping off for a bite, seeing how oversize she is, the clerk THERE told her, "We used to just sell furniture here, but we've just recently gotten clothes in larger sizes, for our older audience."

!!!!

Their older audience.

First of all, AUDIENCE? Were they on a sit-com? Audience. Second, my cousin is 33! She's not searching for her uppers! Although no doubt they can be found in her Burrito Supreme.

And I'm TELLING you, she is NOT FAT. I would tell you if she were fat and she is NOT.

She bought the jeans anyway, despite being insulted not once but twice, and she also bought two tshirts IN SIZE MEDIUM, not size large or old. I would have set the whole place on fire.

And that is my story for today. The whole time I told this, Francis was butting me with his head, and I can tell you now, he is both fat AND old.

88 thoughts on “Oops. Forgot to put a title here. Let’s call it My Chubby Cousin

  1. Good thing typepad wouldn’t let me post last night because I was so perturbed at your cousin for buying the jeans and now I see that she says she did NOT buy the jeans. God June, you need to get your stories straight.
    Now, I’m just perturbed at typepad because the post button wasn’t highlighted last night.

    Like

  2. I am a size 14. And the last time I went into a particular store looking for something for my 12 year old daughter, who is a size 0 because hello, she is 12, the salesgirl came up to me as I was looking at a rack of size 0 shirts and said “We don’t carry clothes for people of YOUR SIZE here. You should go to Addition Elle (plus sized clothing store).” Good times.

    Like

  3. Katie Bird, why are you holding back on the name of this fine establishment?
    Paula H&B, I found out too, that I have to try on every single item, no matter if it’s a twin to something already purchased. I’ve run back to the stores to return and exchange so many times they started to question me.
    Also June, I received a letter from the Dept of Neurology at the Cleveland Clinic telling me my neurologist is no longer practicing at the clinic. It’s rubbing off. June’s doctor dropping is rubbing off. Gah!

    Like

  4. Paula, It’s the way the fabric’s cut. They stack it a couple of feet deep and punch it out. The cuts on the top are close to the correct size but as the blades go down they splay out. It makes the cuts at the bottom up to a size larger. (!)
    Okay. Any of youse guys living in or near Nashville, come see me and Zali at TACA in Centenial Park this weekend!

    Like

  5. Re: sizes. This morning I put on a brand new pair of brown pants, which pants I already own and wear, in black. The brown pants did not fit. Exact same pants except for the color!! What the hell is that all about?

    Like

  6. Re: sizes. This morning I put on a brand new pair of brown pants, which pants I already own and wear, in black. The brown pants did not fit. Exact same pants except for the color!! What the hell is that all about?

    Like

  7. Re: sizes. This morning I put on a brand new pair of brown pants, which pants I already own and wear, in black. The brown pants did not fit. Exact same pants except for the color!! What the hell is that all about?

    Like

  8. When I was in high school, I saved up my money for a mint green pantsuit, with vest. (Yes, I graduated in the late 1970s.) I weighed 120 pounds and I DISTINCTLY remember it was a Size 10. Now I am 51, many pounds heavier than that and sometimes I can fit into a size 10.
    Sizes are effed up, period. Buy what fits, no matter the size you’ll look better.
    Still, I would never, ever go to that store again and I would have taken those jeans and stuffed them into that woman’s silicone filled brassiere. Because I’m menopausal, cranky and evidently according to their standards the size of one of the Michigan Great Lakes.

    Like

  9. I would NEVER have bought ANYTHING from that mo’f*ucking store. EVER.
    And I would have written management. I worked retail for years. In the seventies, when I was a sixteen year old kid, I waited on one of Richmond’s first out transvestites. I was the ONLY person in the department who would. I liked her a lot. Gia got to the point where I she would call and ask when I would be there, leave a message for what I should pull and come in for my shift. She was a sixteen. Same size as my AGE. AND SHE WAS GORGEOUS.
    Idiots. No wonder girls have such self esteem issues. Gah.

    Like

  10. I would NEVER have bought ANYTHING from that mo’f*ucking store. EVER.
    And I would have written management. I worked retail for years. In the seventies, when I was a sixteen year old kid, I waited on one of Richmond’s first out transvestites. I was the ONLY person in the department who would. I liked her a lot. Gia got to the point where I she would call and ask when I would be there, leave a message for what I should pull and come in for my shift. She was a sixteen. Same size as my AGE. AND SHE WAS GORGEOUS.
    Idiots. No wonder girls have such self esteem issues. Gah.

    Like

  11. I would NEVER have bought ANYTHING from that mo’f*ucking store. EVER.
    And I would have written management. I worked retail for years. In the seventies, when I was a sixteen year old kid, I waited on one of Richmond’s first out transvestites. I was the ONLY person in the department who would. I liked her a lot. Gia got to the point where I she would call and ask when I would be there, leave a message for what I should pull and come in for my shift. She was a sixteen. Same size as my AGE. AND SHE WAS GORGEOUS.
    Idiots. No wonder girls have such self esteem issues. Gah.

    Like

  12. That was an IMPORTANT detail! Not buying the jeans is one step closer to torching the place. Wait a few years and let them talk to you like that. You’ll take care of business for “oversized” girls everywhere!

    Like

  13. I just fell a little bit in love with oversize, mature, burrito-stuffing Cousin Katie Bird.

    Like

  14. I just fell a little bit in love with oversize, mature, burrito-stuffing Cousin Katie Bird.

    Like

  15. I just fell a little bit in love with oversize, mature, burrito-stuffing Cousin Katie Bird.

    Like

  16. I DID NOT BUY THE JEANS! I Did buy the t-shirts ’cause they were 1/2 off Lucky Brand and super soft and I could not resist.
    P.S. I don’t think the skinny plastics would have spoken to J-Lo or Kate Winslet like that.

    Like

  17. Oh thanks, Juice. I was gonna watch those, too…

    Like

  18. Oh thanks, Juice. I was gonna watch those, too…

    Like

  19. Oh thanks, Juice. I was gonna watch those, too…

    Like

  20. those hoity toity stores annoy me. they won’t even great me when i walk in because i am not in their demographics. bitch is the baby boomers will continue to rule the way things go. so one day if they don’t come along they’ll be left behind.
    team fran. always.

    Like

  21. Lisa, Firestarter was a great movie! “Back off, just back off!” I loved when the old man got what he deserved in the end.
    Of course I haven’t seen it for 20 years or so, so it might not actually be that good. Kind of like Close Encounters of the Third Kind. Cool alien movie as a kid. Irritating movie about a man deserting his family and chucking all responsibility as an adult. Funny how that works.

    Like

  22. I HATE shopping for anything that I have to put on my body, with the exception of shoes. If I find something I like that actually fits I buy as many as I can in as many colors possible. I’m sure people think I wear the same thing every day, but who cares.
    And I’m with you Carol on the hot flashes. I feel like Drew Barrymore in that movie where she sets things on fire just by looking at them. I’m pretty sure I could do that now. So I try to avoid looking at anything too hard.

    Like

  23. I mean honestly. Have you, like, reread my blog 98 times as I have the Little House books, or is your recall that steel trappish? Yes. As in the recent bride.
    Sent from my iPhone

    Like

  24. As a lover of all things Francis, I take umbrage at the last sentence.

    Like

  25. I recently went to buy some nice dress pants. I was in the junior department because I’m very no waisted and short and all, the clerk looked at me and said “don’t you want to look over there in the Mature Woman section”
    I smiled at the 2 year old clerk and replied “I may be a woman but I am anything but MATURE!” and huffed over to look at the jeans with the .0005 sized zipper.

    Like

  26. I agree with Kelly Pie. And with all the menopausal hot-flashers.
    I once told some little pisher who lost our dinner reservations and was making us stand in line like cattle that I was the wrong person for him to f*uck with, seeing as how I was pre-menopausal, and the mother of 2 teenagers. The lady in line behind me immediately ordered a bottle of wine with two straws for us to share while we berated that little pencil neck twit.
    So you might well imagine that no way in hell would I have given those rude hags at the hoity and toity jean store any of my moneys. : )

    Like

  27. Knowing that you only have on a blue sweater and busy necklace—I can’t thank you enough for the picture–from the girls up!!!

    Like

  28. WTH! Who says “OVERSIZE” anyway???? Sized over WHAT? My ears are blowing OVERSIZE steam.
    I wanna know the store of said hoity toity too cuz I shop. A lot. I mean seriously. That’s Bullshit.
    ALSO? While I’m being all pissy. I was buying jeans in the Lucky Brand store WEARING a pair of Lucky Brand jeans and the girl totally dissed me acting like I was not good enough for her friggin Lucky Brand brand. Well I showed her. I marched right up to Nordstrom Rack and bought me some damn Lucky’s for 1/2 the price.
    $#&$@)(#)#@ store clerks outta be shot. See that? I called em clerks. Now delightful sales personnel would have been more than happy to help me spend my money. But that ol clerk can bite my OVERSIZE steam.
    OH I better go now. I’ve gone over the edge.

    Like

  29. Sizes vary by manufacturer. Don’t take it personally if you wear a size 12 in one brand and a size 16 in another. I just received that lesson in reality.
    I’ve lost some weight and needed to buy new clothes. Also, my daughter and I are leaving for San Diego next week. I haven’t been shopping in malls for years. Boy did I need a refresher course. I tried on jeans and shorts in three different size ranges to find a good fit.
    For the fear factor, my son waited on me in his store. They do not carry over a size 12 in pants physically in the store. Online I think you can order a 14. They majority of their sales are sizes 2-6.

    Like

  30. June, I get my jeans at L.L. Bean. They probably have to import them from the tent department.

    Like

  31. Seriously, I do not know how people can fit into a size zero. My own mother barely weighs 100 pounds and the last pair of pants she bought are a size 10. No Kidding.

    Like

  32. I love your work wardrobe. It’s so grown up! I hope you like your job. Posting at lunch! This is wonderful.
    I feel sad for your cousin. I used to live somewhere like that. I now have some sort of dysfunctional relationship with food. Please advise me where she went so I never spend my money there.
    @Carol…I don’t mean to hijack the comments but I totally could set things on fire with the combined torture of cancer med/menopause flashes. UGGG….this is totally random but why do they tell you so much about menstruation and not so much about menopause? There is no “Hey God, It’s Me Margret” for the menopausal. Or am I just not in on the secret. I need this book. Can anyone help me?

    Like

  33. Sadie hopes you didn't have to deal with rude people during your recent shopping excursion. says:

    June, I’m loving the color of your sweater.

    Like

  34. The part about your cousin’s dad telling his then-wife he was going to buy her a good watch — a Timex — reminded me of my ex. He told our daughter he was going to buy his soon-to-be fiancee a good engagement ring: He was buying it at Sears. Bah!

    Like

  35. My oldest daughter is 28 and I’m guessing she’s an 10 OR 11/12..she looks really, really good (and guys still slam into walls trying to get a look at her when she comes to visit in my small town). But has to search far and wide for jeans that fit/look right. The youngest girl is 18 and a size zero (we think she came from another planet). Thankfully she can still shop in the teen places…but life isn’t that easy when on the hunt for that size either. I tell them not to get wrapped up in the size – go for the style and fit (and price).
    And my size? Are you kidding, I’m just glad to be alive and breathing.

    Like

  36. Sadie feels sorry for Uncle Bill and hopes the Zanfel works. Poison ivy is growing everywhere here. Oh, congrats to Hulk on finding a new home for the cat. How soon before your ex brings him back? says:

    Siren, dammit – Many thanks for the Zanfel tip. As someone who has had more than her share of poison ivy, I’ll definitely use it the next time I get into it.

    Like

  37. Sadie feels sorry for Uncle Bill and hopes the Zanfel works. Poison ivy is growing everywhere here. Oh, congrats to Hulk on finding a new home for the cat. How soon before your ex brings him back? says:

    Siren, dammit – Many thanks for the Zanfel tip. As someone who has had more than her share of poison ivy, I’ll definitely use it the next time I get into it.

    Like

  38. Sadie feels sorry for Uncle Bill and hopes the Zanfel works. Poison ivy is growing everywhere here. Oh, congrats to Hulk on finding a new home for the cat. How soon before your ex brings him back? says:

    Siren, dammit – Many thanks for the Zanfel tip. As someone who has had more than her share of poison ivy, I’ll definitely use it the next time I get into it.

    Like

  39. Uncle Bill — invest in some Zanfel! It’s the miracle cure for poison ivy. It’s like thirty bucks for a tube but you only need a little bit and it fixes the itch practically instantly.
    P.S. I don’t work for Zanfel, I swear.

    Like

  40. Texas Kari who does not much like the snobby retail workers and isn't sure what they have to be so snobby about in the first place. says:

    I demand to know the name of the store.
    I’ll never go there.
    Christy – love that movie.
    Carol – set it on fire with your hot flashes – Ha! That was hilarious!!

    Like

  41. June, you are right, the Bird’s idea of going shopping is so not Aunt Kathy. I wonder where Kath went wrong raising that kid? Dayum frugal kid…I’ll bet she’s even saving for retirement too. Well, we’ll just show her. When I retire, we won’t have anything saved and we’ll mooch off of ’em (said with a “southern” Indiana accent…from the Kentuckians who couldn’t make it to Michigan and stayed in Indiana).

    Like

  42. Sadie - Maybe then they will see it from our point of view. Also, happy 40th to Tammi V.V. Did you go on your cruise to celebrate? says:

    Do they actual train their sales staff to be rude to customers or does it just come naturally? Hope those idiot size negatives remember this when they are our ages and sizes.

    Like

  43. Sadie - Maybe then they will see it from our point of view. Also, happy 40th to Tammi V.V. Did you go on your cruise to celebrate? says:

    Do they actual train their sales staff to be rude to customers or does it just come naturally? Hope those idiot size negatives remember this when they are our ages and sizes.

    Like

  44. Sadie - Maybe then they will see it from our point of view. Also, happy 40th to Tammi V.V. Did you go on your cruise to celebrate? says:

    Do they actual train their sales staff to be rude to customers or does it just come naturally? Hope those idiot size negatives remember this when they are our ages and sizes.

    Like

  45. Funny lunchtime story!
    What a treat!
    Wish cousin hadn’t given them her cash…they were so undeserving of that sale!

    Like

  46. Hi Francis! Did Fuzz hed give you some bunny for lunch? Was your head rubbing just to leave some fur of remembrance on her leg? Enjoy your angry chair.
    Babies are size zero… then they grow.

    Like

  47. Hi Francis! Did Fuzz hed give you some bunny for lunch? Was your head rubbing just to leave some fur of remembrance on her leg? Enjoy your angry chair.
    Babies are size zero… then they grow.

    Like

  48. Hi Francis! Did Fuzz hed give you some bunny for lunch? Was your head rubbing just to leave some fur of remembrance on her leg? Enjoy your angry chair.
    Babies are size zero… then they grow.

    Like

  49. Funny even at lunch!!!
    My admin just came in to inform me she had to buy some new skirts at lunch. The size two’s she has been wearing are TOO.BIG. She had to find a size ZERO.
    I’m pretty sure I hate her.

    Like

  50. Carol in Bama who thinks she needs some chocolate to calm down her ire at hoity-toity clerks everywhere says:

    I could go to that store and set it on fire with my hot flashes because, you see, I AM old and cranky and if one of the women said that crap to me she would have been a greasy spot in the floor of her hoity toity shop. I feel an affinity with Francis.

    Like

  51. I have no idea what “oool” is, but it’s awfully cool that you can go home for lunch.

    Like

  52. Also. Thank you for giving me yet another piece of ammunition in my ongoing battle with my people over the issue of my going places like stores. Who wants to go to a store when all they do is make you feel ugly and stupid? Not me, that’s who.

    Like

  53. Tammi V.V. - I just turned 40, they'd have probably talked LOUDLY and SLOWLY to make sure my old ears could understand what they were saying says:

    Oh, oh, oh! And I forgot – how oool is it that you can go home for lunch?!

    Like

  54. A size 16 in Marilyn’s Day is nowhere near a size 16 of today.
    The whole size issue is completely screwy. I see photos of people in US and People who claim to be a size 6 or some such malarkey and if they’re a size 6, then Donald Trump doesn’t have a massive combover and orange spray tan going on.
    Oh, and not everyone who lives in Southern California is fake. Okay. My hair color is fake but NOTHING ELSE.

    Like

  55. Tammi V.V. - I just turned 40, they'd have probably talked LOUDLY and SLOWLY to make sure my old ears could understand what they were saying says:

    We really need the name of the store so that we can set them on fire all over the country. Or, for those that refuse to be all criminal-ly, at least refuse to shop there.

    Like

  56. All of the stuff I wear seems to be stuff I stole from other people. I don’t even know what size I am. I thought I was a size 25 because that’s the first number? I feel sort of inadequate now, like this is a basic piece of self-knowledge I’m completely clueless about.
    Unfashionably,
    Siren

    Like

  57. Reminds me of the time–the ONLY TIME EVER–I tried on Betsey Johnson. Humiliation for the obese size 8 I was then, trying to fit my obviously tree trunk arms into the sleeves.
    But at least no one called me fat or old at the store — it was only the clothes calling me that. 🙂

    Like

  58. OH! Big news. The Ex has TAKEN the cat! Very excited here in Hulkland…

    Like

  59. OH! Big news. The Ex has TAKEN the cat! Very excited here in Hulkland…

    Like

  60. OH! Big news. The Ex has TAKEN the cat! Very excited here in Hulkland…

    Like

  61. You had me with this story til you said “married”…

    Like

  62. You had me with this story til you said “married”…

    Like

  63. You had me with this story til you said “married”…

    Like

  64. I think I would say something along the lines of….
    “you people work on commission, right? big mistake. big. huge. i have to go shopping now.”

    Like

  65. Actually, I was told the exact same thing a few years ago in a hoity toity jean store, which come on, what a total oxymoron. They were having this great big sale on Seven For All Mankind. There were a ton of teeny tiny 20 year olds trying on jeans in like a size 22. When I told the stupid salesgirl I didn’t know what my waist size was, but I was a size 6, she said she’d have to go look in the “special sizes.”
    I didn’t buy the Seven jeans or anything else from that store ever again.
    And we wonder why our girls have rampant eating disorders in this country.

    Like

  66. How can you be so funny at lunchtime? You have set the whole Pie on fire with the funny. The sweater and necklace are puhfect together. Thank you for the early afternoon delight.

    Like

Comments are closed.