Look! I'm home for lunch.
What I like about this picture is you can see my Barry Gibb photo on the fridge in the background. Okay, I did not PRINT OUT a picture of Barry Gibb and put it on my refrigerator. A faithful reader sent it to me. What could I do but put it up?
Anyway. Today I have on a light blue sweater with the busy necklace. Other than that I am completely naked.
Also it rained this morning, which is why my hair is all WHOODEWHOOOOO! I will slap product on it before I return to the workplace. I like coming home at lunch. I can tweak my look.
Ima tell you a story my cousin told me today, which she did not give me permission to tell, but she is a nurse who works all night so I can't call her to ask if I can tell it and I just have to take the chance she won't get mad at me.
My cousin has been trying to call me for three days, but I have been ignoring her because I have been busy with the whole new-job thing. This morning my phone rang at 7:30.
"You have got to be kidding,"I said friendly-ly to her when I picked up.
"I have something to TELL you and I am going to stalk you till I get ahold of you," she said.
"What if I'd been in a happy slumber?"
"You have a j-o-b now so consider this a wake-up call for your a-s-s," she said. She has always been pleasant.
My cousin, who shall remain nameless for this story but if you ever read my blog you probably already know her name, is 33 years old and is very attractive. Let's just get that part out of the way right now. I mean, I am not saying "very attractive" in that way you'd say it because you like your cousin but really she scares little children when she emerges from underneath a bridge. Really. She is very very pretty.
She lives near a hoity-toity city, and she went to the hoity-toity city this past weekend to get her some new jeans, as the jeans she bought last year got ruined and one thing I can say about my cousin is she may be attractive but she does not like to part with a penny. Is what she does not like to do. She takes after her dad that way, who was once quoted as saying to his then-wife, "I'm gonna get you a GOOD watch. We're getting you a Timex."
Note I said then-wife.
He also once said, and I am not making this up, "I don't know if I can stay married to a woman who spent $20 on a dress." I mean, it was 1979 when he said it, but STILL. PocaHONtas spent more than $20 on dresses.
At any rate, my cousin's one pair of jeans wore out so with great sturm and drang or whatever that phrase is, she went to the hoity-toity town to get new ones, even though I am certain her husband probably told her to go to the army surplus store for new ones, because she married someone a lot like her dad when it comes to glamor.
She was greeted by an extremely skinny woman in her 40s who had big ol' titties.
"What size jeans do you need?" asked Silicone Woman.
My cousin told her, and I will not reveal what she said, but let's just say the size is less than the average size of the American woman, okay? LESS THAN THE SIZE OF THE AMERICAN WOMAN. Oh, and I should mention my cousin is quite tall, which accounts for her jeans size, as well.
"We don't have that size."
So, my cousin tried on the size they DID have, and when those did not fit, old Plastic Boobs said, "Let me call over to our sister store."
My cousin heard the entire phone call: "Hi. I have a customer here who needs OVERSIZE JEANS. She's a size _____! Do you have those?"
When my poor relative emerged (rolled) (waddled) from the dressing room, old Skinny Minnie, there, informed her that, yes, they did manage to gather all the denim in all the land to create the OVERSIZE jeans and that she should get her crane to lift her over to the store.
Once she got over there, no doubt stopping off for a bite, seeing how oversize she is, the clerk THERE told her, "We used to just sell furniture here, but we've just recently gotten clothes in larger sizes, for our older audience."
Their older audience.
First of all, AUDIENCE? Were they on a sit-com? Audience. Second, my cousin is 33! She's not searching for her uppers! Although no doubt they can be found in her Burrito Supreme.
And I'm TELLING you, she is NOT FAT. I would tell you if she were fat and she is NOT.
She bought the jeans anyway, despite being insulted not once but twice, and she also bought two tshirts IN SIZE MEDIUM, not size large or old. I would have set the whole place on fire.
And that is my story for today. The whole time I told this, Francis was butting me with his head, and I can tell you now, he is both fat AND old.