June in the trenches

Today I am wearing a gray shirt with a gray and clear necklace and I cannot get enough of myself in it, but for some reason the web camera is now refusing to come on and why must everything break? Really. Why?

Soon I will run out of clothes and this whole recap of what I wore to my new job will be over anyway. And maybe some day I will find that ding-dang battery charger for my real camera and I won't have to RELY on the webcam.

Where IS IT? How did I lose an entire battery charger? I mean, what possible place could I have put it? Could you all look up your buttockal regions? Because I have exhausted every nook and cranny here.

No one ever just says "cranny." It's always "nook and." Did you ever notice that?

Speaking of our fine language and the regular raping and pillaging of it, I am looking forward to Facebook this weekend, when I am sure to see 948593 posts that read: This goes out to all the mom's!

Mom's.

Maybe they all own something.

Maybe mom is.

Look, it hasn't even happened yet, and already I am twisted up and sick inside.

What are you all getting your mom's (see what I did there?) for Mother's Day? I mean, if your mom ('s) is still with us. I am getting mine an apostrophe.

Hardly anyone ever says "pillaging." It's always "raping and." Did you ever notice that?

Also, no one is ever a voracious anything except reader of books. "Oh, I'm a voracious strawberry eater!" "I'm a voracious giraffe raper! And pillager!"

Honestly I do not know what ails me today. Except I may have had real caffeine at work. It's Juan Valdez talking, not me. He's up in my crannies. Pillaging me. With an apostrophe. Voraciously.

Okay, then. My gray shirt and I are headed back to the office, where I hope the coffee has been thrown out. Everybody remember it's Thursday and our show is on! We'll discuss tomorrow, and don't let me forget to tell you about the $650 dog trainer I want to hire with all my riches.

Oh, look! I was just about to leave and I figured it out, because I am tweaking on the caffeine.

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This goes out to all the reader's.

 

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Author: June

At one point, I was sort of hot, in a "she's 27 and probably a 7" kind of a way. Now I'm old and have to develop a charming personality. Guess how that's going.

83 thoughts on “June in the trenches”

  1. I love this post. Laugh-out-loud funny. I really think you should have another “my favorite grammatical pet peeve is” day for the readers. Those are always so funny to me, except when I say “Hey, I say that – what’s wrong with that?”
    My mom’s (see, I did that right)in heaven, so I just send happy mom thoughts into the ether for her on Mom’s Day.
    Also, too, what Thursday show is on?

    Like

  2. My ad is for “Instant Grammar Checker.” Oh, The irony. Which is the opposite of The Wrinkly.
    And MY Facebook rant is all the “REPOST IF YOU AGREE!” stuff for everything from Supporting the Troops to Impeach Obama to If you love your mom’s you’ll repost this as your status! crap. Gives me a facial tic, it does.
    I’m just getting my mom a card. Perhaps the Joker. Or the 7 of Clubs. I haven’t decided yet.

    Like

  3. Sorry, your charger is not in my buttockal region…according to certain members of my family that’s where my head resides so there ‘s not much room for anything else.
    Love that necklace!

    Like

  4. Ohhhhh, I hear you, sistah-girl. (Which is clearly different from a sister-wife. Since we are not married to the same person.) I really, really get the skin-crawlies when I see a nameplate on a house that reads “The Smith’s.” I know it actually is the house that belongs to the Smiths, but … The Smiths. That is not difficult, people!!
    Who is this trainer? Why are you implying that your dogs need training? Hee!

    Like

  5. The humidity must be down because your hair looks great. And what shoes did you get from Zappos?
    A voracious giraffe raper? Well, there’s something you don’t hear every day.
    Is it wrong that I found Mrs Oh’s comment hilarious? I mean her mom died and all. I’m going to hell aren’t I?
    Something landed on my roof this morning. It made a big thud. I looked out my window and saw a giant shadow. I thought of the movie Signs. It could have been this giant hawk that came the other day and snagged a birdie out of the tree.

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  6. I noticed the Zappos boxes, too. New shoes? For your mom?
    This is the first mother’s day since my mom moved to heaven. Her birthday is the next day. Saving $10 bucks on greeting cards this year really sucks.
    But I am sending good wishes for a great day to all the alive moms out there. May none of you have to wash a dish (or clean up cat puke).

    Like

  7. “It’s Juan Valdez talking, not me. He’s up in my crannies. Pillaging me. With an apostrophe. Voraciously.”
    omg… you’re killing, June… I cannot read that without laughing.

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  8. Love your whole look today. Dare I say you look very Kate, um, what the hell is her last name now? I know they don’t really use their last name of Windsor. Let’s just say you look very Kate Prince Williamish.
    And that, sir, is good grammar.
    I’m getting my mother’s some new blinds for all around her house. She requested no bling this year which is what I usually get her because she loves the bling. So blinds it is.
    We too, have been missing a camera charger and nothing drives my husband crazier. Our girls never seem to be able to put anything back after they’ve borrowed it and of course when it ends up getting lost,it’s NEVER THEIR FAULT.
    We’ve looked in all the nooks. Maybe we need to try harder in the crannies.

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  9. Marvin probably has the charger, mixed up with his million electrical cords!
    Looking very cute today, love the necklace.

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  10. Marvin probably has the charger, mixed up with his million electrical cords!
    Looking very cute today, love the necklace.

    Like

  11. Marvin probably has the charger, mixed up with his million electrical cords!
    Looking very cute today, love the necklace.

    Like

  12. Now I’m really hungry for strawberries and may become a voracious strawberry eater. I’m going to pillage the fridge, and check all the crannies–leave no strawberry behind!

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  13. Cute apron is back on the door.
    Love your necklaces. Wish I could wear them. Necklaces bigger than a gold chain (how passe’ is that?) always look like they are some kind of punishment inflicted on me.
    Need me a trenchy with big buckles. Naw, they’d look like a punishment on me, too.
    I want to be cool like June. But not June in NC. That is not cool. That is hot and humid. The month, I mean, not the person. Or maybe June is hot and humid? At least when Barry Gibb’s around. (see what I did there?)

    Like

  14. There’s a garden and home store here in PA called terrain (yes, it’s intentionally uncapitalized, grrr) that’s owned by the Anthropologie/Urban Outfitters people, being founded in Philly and all. They have cute unique housewares like Anthro does and I got my mom a handmade ceramic bowl that was glazed by smushing glaze through some kind of vintage lacey fabric. Kind of a hunter green on cream, about dinner plate wide at the top and shallow. My mom’s a big ceramics collector. Also got her a fancy soap and fancy herbs for olive oil dipping. There were nicer food things I’d rather have sent her, but mail to Phoenix is awful hot already and I don’t want things spoiling.
    If you want to torture yourself with a bunch of amazing things you can’t afford to buy (like I did in person) terrain has a website: shopterrain.com (wish I was getting paid to plug that. Hello? terrain people? Anyone? Damn)

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  15. Look how fancy you are! This fashion blogger (who hasn’t looked at her blog in WEEKS) mightily approves. Paula H&B, you CRACKED. ME. UP. today! Katie, awesome gifts! i want to go to terrain. and not ever have to capitalize stuff ever again. My mom doesn’t cook (well okay, she does, because my step-dad is a misogynist who expects breakfast, lunch, and dinner made for him, but she’s really bad at it and doesn’t enjoy it) so I made her a week’s worth of meals; also a gift card to a spa.

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  16. And Sadie about fell over when she read Kelly Pie's decision on the type of card to give her mom. says:

    Do you have a second job as a model? Look how durn cute you are. Who’s got the look? Junie Pie!

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  17. Mother’s Day ain’t happening here this year. After losing a baby, it just is not a good day for celebrating. We are staying low key. Sorry to my own Mom who doesn’t get to reap the benefits of the Mom’s Day cause of us but she knows I love her. And that’s all that really matters.
    Mrs. Oh – pissy day for me too. Has been that way for two plus weeks now.

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  18. Love the trench!
    I also love that you shop Zappos, they have the best customer service ever (since we were talking about awful customer service yesterday, let’s talk about good today)
    Maybe Marvin ended up with the battery charger. I have lost 2 in the past year and a half and for the cost of replacements, I could have bought a new camera.
    I got my mom a hydrangea. I am going to take care of it for her because she is in heaven. She loved hydrangeas. I still get her a card every year because she always sent me the funniest cards. I am odd but it comforts me. I don’t mail them to her though cause that would just be silly.

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  19. I see that stupid apostrophe-followed-by-s in the most reeeediculous places. I was in a burger joint one day and looked up at all the neon beer signage and there was one touting “Corona and Taco’s”
    Taco’s what? Who is Taco and what do he and Corona have?
    Of course I had to take a picture of it and complain about it for days.
    I would be willing to bet dollars to donuts that I can’t go 24 hours without finding a stupid illiterate-looking sign somewhere.
    Color me grumpy and ranting on this topic’s.
    p.s. Even more grumpy now that typepad has denied my post and I am trying again. Hmmmpph.

    Like

  20. Trench coats are all the rage right now. They’re plastered all over my shopping sites. They’re super cute, but hellooo, some of us live in Florida. I rarely wear a coat, but I do bring a sweater w/me wherever I go. In fact, I know I left my favorite one at an Indian restaurant last night. But when i called, they claimed they didn’t have it. I’m pretty sure I heard laughing in the background. I loved that sweater. It had ruffles.

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  21. Mary, I am so very sorry about your granddaughter.
    My love to all of you whose moms are in heaven. Also too, any of you that think mom might be a bit warm this mother’s day. What? That’s where my kids know I’ll be.

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  22. Mary, I’m so sorry for the loss of your granddaughter.
    Knowing how badly I would like to have a grandbaby, I can imagine how hard it would be to lose her. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

    Like

  23. Texas Kari who thought Zappos were lighters. That shows you how much I know about shoes. and smoking. says:

    June with your gray blouse, cool necklace and khaki trench, you are the perfect greige!
    Greige is the new black. And there ends my knowledge of current fashion trends.
    Re: camera cord. check your luggage. It might be squirreled away in a pocket from your last trip.

    Like

  24. Texas Kari who thought Zappos were lighters. That shows you how much I know about shoes. and smoking. says:

    June with your gray blouse, cool necklace and khaki trench, you are the perfect greige!
    Greige is the new black. And there ends my knowledge of current fashion trends.
    Re: camera cord. check your luggage. It might be squirreled away in a pocket from your last trip.

    Like

  25. Texas Kari who thought Zappos were lighters. That shows you how much I know about shoes. and smoking. says:

    June with your gray blouse, cool necklace and khaki trench, you are the perfect greige!
    Greige is the new black. And there ends my knowledge of current fashion trends.
    Re: camera cord. check your luggage. It might be squirreled away in a pocket from your last trip.

    Like

  26. My name is Pamela and I am Soul Sister #2 and I bought myself some gardening gloves, tools and a nice bag to hold them in for Mothers Day! says:

    Love the outfit, June! I covet that necklace!
    You’re looking so cute for your first week.
    My heart is heavy for all of the readers who have lost their mom, and for Mary and her terrible loss. I am fortunate enough to have my mom and she is so dear…texts me every day with all of the news, weather, and traffic updates that I need to know.
    Who do you think called to inform me of Bin Laden’s demise (as I watched back episodes of Oprah, oblivious to the news of the night)?
    I only give her cards for Mothers Day, a day that both she and my husband consider to be a silly, Hallmark holiday. So I indulge myself instead with LOTS of presents, because I can totally buy into a silly, Hallmark holiday with no problem!

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  27. “voracious giraffe raper” This made me spew my coffee on the screen. Too funny. Oh and this phrase has never been used on the internet’s before. (see what I did there) Google hits? only ByByPie

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  28. L. from California...a huge vole tried to eat my cat last night and he screamed like a little girl, poor, poor 16 pound pussy says:

    Junie, are you REALLY a free-lance P.I.?
    (trench coat and shiny necklace)
    Because, you know that you CAN trust us…we won’t blow your secret (I almost asked if you were a “private dick” but that wouldn’t be very lady like).
    Seeing that Franklin Mint image of Kate Middleton on your ad and the trench coat …yeah that’s enough clues to deduce that you have indeed become a stylish (young, pretty, and unwrinkled version) of Miss Marple.
    Your first case is “The Day the Camera Battery Disappeared.”

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  29. Correction: Your first case will be “The Day the Camera Charger Cord Disappeared.”
    (sorry, that will be next week’s case)

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  30. Dear June, I suggest you go on Ebay and order another camera charger. Most are about $10, you should receive it in less than a week, and THEN is when you will find your old camera charger. Works for me every time! xoxo

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  31. Sadly, yall, those Zappos boxes are old tax forms that Marvin brought over the other day. I needed them for the whole buying-the-house thing. Before that they contained shoes for Marvin. He likes him the Zappos. Who doesnt?

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  32. I’m with ya on the “Mom’s.” Drive’s me nut’s. I just took flowers to the cemetery for my mom in order to beat the Sunday rush. Is that wrong? Also too, I think Marvin took your charger.

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  33. Mary, I am so sorry for you and your daughter’s loss. I know it’s been a tough last few years for her.
    And on a happy note, my dear, dear blog friend Noelle, who comments here occasionally and is pregnant w/her first child had been told a few weeks ago that her daughter very likely had serious heart defects, too irreparable to survive and also there was a high chance she had Down’s Syndrome. Yesterday, after meeting with her specialist and having more diagnostic tests, it turns out her daughter does not have Down’s Syndrome and her heart valves can be repaired through a series of surgeries beginning right after she is born.
    Still serious, but Noelle is full of joy today.

    Like

  34. Progesterone cream for hot flashes.
    Then everyone can be flashy and not hot…wait, no, flashy and hot but not hot flashy.

    Like

  35. Warm thoughts to Mary and her family and other Pie folks whose loved ones are no longer here in physical form.
    Will be at a wedding this weekend around three moms (mom, MIL, stepmother).

    Like

  36. GardenGirl....who enjoys her starbucks almost every day, so just go ahead and drink your coffee. says:

    Put that coffee cup down, June!…….You’re having a good hair day, girl! Must not be rainin’ in the south, right? You look all executive in your trench coat. Rock on!

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  37. LauraL, who mailed cards today to my mom, his mom, my granny, his grandmother and his stepmother - from us and from the kids. Hallmark made a lot of money off us! says:

    Original Joann, please tell Noelle I’ll be thinking of her. My son had DS but no heart issues; however, I know several parents whose children have had heart surgeries, including the day after birth. It’s truly amazing what modern medicine can do.

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  38. June, I love you on the caffeine, but don’t get a migraine! You look a little more stunning each day.
    I got my mom a white crocheted-looking bag for summer, and my dog got her a round crystal vase for short-stemmed flowers.
    Today I got ME (to foster) SEVEN eight week old puppy’s. They are wire-haired terrier mix’s and their tail’s wag constantly. Squeeee! But my basement smell’s like poop…gotta go!

    Like

  39. Thank you everyone for the condolences. It’s been an awful couple weeks. And now I’m worried sick about Talu – I hope she shows up soon and is ok!!

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