Today I am wearing a gray shirt with a gray and clear necklace and I cannot get enough of myself in it, but for some reason the web camera is now refusing to come on and why must everything break? Really. Why?
Soon I will run out of clothes and this whole recap of what I wore to my new job will be over anyway. And maybe some day I will find that ding-dang battery charger for my real camera and I won't have to RELY on the webcam.
Where IS IT? How did I lose an entire battery charger? I mean, what possible place could I have put it? Could you all look up your buttockal regions? Because I have exhausted every nook and cranny here.
No one ever just says "cranny." It's always "nook and." Did you ever notice that?
Speaking of our fine language and the regular raping and pillaging of it, I am looking forward to Facebook this weekend, when I am sure to see 948593 posts that read: This goes out to all the mom's!
Maybe they all own something.
Maybe mom is.
Look, it hasn't even happened yet, and already I am twisted up and sick inside.
What are you all getting your mom's (see what I did there?) for Mother's Day? I mean, if your mom ('s) is still with us. I am getting mine an apostrophe.
Hardly anyone ever says "pillaging." It's always "raping and." Did you ever notice that?
Also, no one is ever a voracious anything except reader of books. "Oh, I'm a voracious strawberry eater!" "I'm a voracious giraffe raper! And pillager!"
Honestly I do not know what ails me today. Except I may have had real caffeine at work. It's Juan Valdez talking, not me. He's up in my crannies. Pillaging me. With an apostrophe. Voraciously.
Okay, then. My gray shirt and I are headed back to the office, where I hope the coffee has been thrown out. Everybody remember it's Thursday and our show is on! We'll discuss tomorrow, and don't let me forget to tell you about the $650 dog trainer I want to hire with all my riches.
Oh, look! I was just about to leave and I figured it out, because I am tweaking on the caffeine.