RIP. Not so much.

My weekend? Pretty good, other than when the dogs dug up my dead cat. Yours?

I KNOW. How ludicrous is my life? How ludicrous is poor Frannie's death? He never did like those dogs. Guess who got the last laugh in THAT relationship.

When Francis died on Friday, I had to come home and become June Gardens, Grave Digger. And I do not know if you've ever dug a hole like that, but MAN is that hard. I mean, I dig holes all the time. I'm always out there in my garden. But a BIG hole?

And apparently the site I chose was brought to me by Alex Haley. Because every three inches there was another ding-dang root. I had to PLY stupid roots out with my shovel, or cut them out with my 1942 clippers. I was sweating like Meat Loaf by the time I was done.

You know when you go to join a gym, and they give you a tour, and they're all, here's the spinning room and here's the weight room? They should have, "Out back, here, is the pet grave digging area. We add new roots every week!"

I wanted to put Francis near his angry chair, only, you know, outside the house. My mistake was to put him on the INSIDE of the fence, where the dogs were, and not outside. Because yesterday when I ventured into the back yard, and saw the dirt thrown hither and yon, and SAW POOR FRANCIS…

Well. It was traumatic.

They didn't drag him around the yard, thank heavens. That archeological team just found him and reported the results to National Geographic or whatever. And do you know I tried to elicit Edsel's help with that hole in the first place? He had been standing there with his mouth gaping, watching me, and I actually got down on all fours and dug like a dog, and said, "Come on, Edsel! Help me dig a hole!"

But Edsel kind of whined and placed one delicate paw in the dirt, then said, "Eds just got clawns clip at day care. Not wish to dirtee."

Oh, but when digging the hole was on his OWN time! SURE! Then he could mess those precious "clawns" up.

I am irritated with the dogs right now. Can you tell?

So anyway, I called Marvin. Have you ever noticed the only times I call Marvin are to say things like there's a scorpion under the corner cabinet, or Tallulah's missing, or my dead cat has been dug up? Who probably enjoys my number flashing on his screen?

So I tell him this lovely tale and I say, "I really don't think I can bear to, you know, excavate Fran and move him to a new place. Can you come do it? I'll dig the hole. I just need someone to move him."

"I'll come dig the new hole," said Marvin. "Geez, how long has he been in there, again?"

"He died on Friday," I said, "and on the third day, he rose again."

We toyed with the idea that maybe Fran was trying to rise from the grave because he was pissed off about the kitten, and we discussed how the dogs managed to move that giant, heavy St. Francis statue I had put over the cat, and anyway, in due time Marvin came over and did the deed. And he got to meet Roger Sterling, whose obligatory blurry photo I will add now:

Pouncy
Here he is pouncing on my robe tie. Do you enjoy my cowboy robe?

Anyway, Marvin buried Franics–again–around the corner, so really Fran is even closer to his angry chair than he was before. He inexplicably put a giant flat weight on top of the site, which is a lovely tribute that makes no sense. I guess he really was worried Francis was doing the kicking of the soil.

So that's the dirt. Bah.

Sigh.

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Author: June

At one point, I was sort of hot, in a "she's 27 and probably a 7" kind of a way. Now I'm old and have to develop a charming personality. Guess how that's going.

177 thoughts on “RIP. Not so much.”

  1. My initial reaction was horror, which turned to laughter. I would have freaked out if one of my kitties had been dug up. That is why we dug to China in the red Georgia clay when we lost Sweet Pea, and later Oscar. AND we purchased two 18″ x 18″ stepping stones to place over the grave. I’ve considered taking a magic marker and writing on those stones.
    Does your new employer know about all your animal trauma in the last couple of weeks? I would be an absolute basket case.

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  2. PJ who was still not given absolution for flushing a two inch fish even after she held a 36 hour cat-on-ice, with refreshments, wake. says:

    Ya, Sadie, I told her that Swimmy was going to swim to the sea. Trouble is, somehow she knew about sewage plants and claims the image still haunts her. Nobody tells you these things in Mother School.

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  3. Sadie - June, call Marvin and tell him you need another hold dug. It is going to have to be a lot bigger and deeper than Fran's. says:

    PJ, the 36 hour cat-on-ice wake totally did me in. I’m dead.

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  4. Sadie - June, call Marvin and tell him you need another hold dug. It is going to have to be a lot bigger and deeper than Fran's. says:

    PJ, the 36 hour cat-on-ice wake totally did me in. I’m dead.

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  5. Sadie - June, call Marvin and tell him you need another hold dug. It is going to have to be a lot bigger and deeper than Fran's. says:

    PJ, the 36 hour cat-on-ice wake totally did me in. I’m dead.

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  6. Sadie - June, call Marvin and tell him you need another hold dug. It is going to have to be a lot bigger and deeper than Fran's. says:

    PJ, you have yourself one sensitive daughter. Tell her Swimmy became and Angel Fish and was able to fly above the sewage plants for an unobstructed trip to the sea.
    I am still dead.

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  7. Sadie - June, call Marvin and tell him you need another hold dug. It is going to have to be a lot bigger and deeper than Fran's. says:

    PJ, you have yourself one sensitive daughter. Tell her Swimmy became and Angel Fish and was able to fly above the sewage plants for an unobstructed trip to the sea.
    I am still dead.

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  8. Sadie - June, call Marvin and tell him you need another hold dug. It is going to have to be a lot bigger and deeper than Fran's. says:

    PJ, you have yourself one sensitive daughter. Tell her Swimmy became and Angel Fish and was able to fly above the sewage plants for an unobstructed trip to the sea.
    I am still dead.

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  9. PJ who was still not given absolution for flushing a two inch fish even after she held a 36 hour cat-on-ice, with refreshments, wake. says:

    There we go, Sadie, “You see, sweetheart, God needed another angel(fish) in heaven. And Swimmy got his wings. He was assumed straight into heaven. No sewage plant to be prayed out of for Swimmy.”

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  10. Oh my god. I don’t know what to say, Junie. I signed on at the airport to catch up on the funny. This is so upsetting. I am so very sorry. I will go back ards now to catch up.

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  11. PJ, I would have absolutely believed you. Why would God make an angel fish go through a sewage plant?

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  12. Sadie was glad to be in the privacy of her home when she read the heartwrenching news of Fran's trip to the bridge. Otherwise, I would have cried in public. says:

    Poor Duffylou. I thought of her being out of town when June posted the picture of the sad chair.

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  13. Sadie was glad to be in the privacy of her home when she read the heartwrenching news of Fran's trip to the bridge. Otherwise, I would have cried in public. says:

    Poor Duffylou. I thought of her being out of town when June posted the picture of the sad chair.

    Like

  14. Sadie was glad to be in the privacy of her home when she read the heartwrenching news of Fran's trip to the bridge. Otherwise, I would have cried in public. says:

    Poor Duffylou. I thought of her being out of town when June posted the picture of the sad chair.

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  15. I am laughing hysterically right now. I mean, I know that that must have been absolutely horrible but oh my goodness. “On the third day he rose again,” you are too funny. An angry Fran was probably sitting at the Rainbow Bridge watching the whole ordeal and putting a hex on those dogs.
    Thank goodness for men because digging holes is hard work. I commend you for even attempting to dig the first one.

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  16. Okay, Namey is kind of creative. My Pal From MA has a boat, and I honestly do not know what her boat is really named; I always just call it Boaty. I am a good boat namer that way. Now see, Swimmy might have worked for the boat…

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  17. June, know that if you never do another thing, you will have at least trained a large army of commenters to be at least half as funny as you are.
    As for the dearly departed F, he left you with that outstanding tongue-sticking-out eff-da-brigge picture. And a reason to get Roger. Well done.
    I love folk who laff biggest last.

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  18. A fish named Namey! That made me laugh hysterically and made the name Swimmy sound genius.

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  19. A fish named Namey! That made me laugh hysterically and made the name Swimmy sound genius.

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  20. A fish named Namey! That made me laugh hysterically and made the name Swimmy sound genius.

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  21. Amish Annie would never embarrass herself again by forgetting a name if everything was named Bruce. says:

    Just checked out Siren’s fox pictures. Lordy, Bruce, Bruce, Bruce and Bruce looked like they were having a ball with all that playing and running and jumping and pouncing and prowling (although the prowling pictures were the funniest!)

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  22. I would have been over there to see and cuddle with Roger the first day. I still have the I’m not driving issue so that didn’t and can’t happen for awhile. What are you doing this weekend?

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  23. This post has an I Love Lucy episode feel to it. Too. much.

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  24. You’d think Marvin would have buried Francis in the first place. Sorry poor old Francis was dug up but was glad to hear dear old Marvin got his turn in the end.

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  25. Sue, who's dog bit the head of her tortoise, then dug the dead thing up and bit off both front legs. says:

    My grandson was naming the new fish. He gets bored easily, so he just gave them all the same name: Swimming Whoopee.

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  26. Somehow I just had a feeling… don’t ask me why, but it seemed like a fitting end for dearly departed Francis. Like in the movie, when you think the scary guy is dead… you just know he’s really not and then GAH! He’s ALIVE! Well, in this case, not really, but not so dead that he has to stay buried!!
    And June, you have to put Roger in the room tonight and watch to see exactly how he got out! Under the door? Now that would be something!

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  27. I am kinda surprised that Hulk doesn’t want his house to regenerate P*#%Y…
    June, the “clawns” got me. So funny.

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  28. My husbands name is Bruce, so that name was already taken for the fish.
    Sadie, I am glad that made you laugh!

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  29. Well, J.L….
    It would have to actually, you know, GENERATE some before it could REGENERATE some…

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  30. Well, J.L….
    It would have to actually, you know, GENERATE some before it could REGENERATE some…

    Like

  31. Well, J.L….
    It would have to actually, you know, GENERATE some before it could REGENERATE some…

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  32. PJ who was still not given absolution for flushing a two inch fish even after she held a 36 hour cat-on-ice, with refreshments, wake. says:

    Said daughter (traumatized by the fish flush) still has Buffly’s ashes and another cat’s ashes as well as her dog’s ashes. I wonder if it is too late to get some fish ashes to go with them. How big a container do you think I’d need for 2″ fish ashes?

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  33. PJ who was still not given absolution for flushing a two inch fish even after she held a 36 hour cat-on-ice, with refreshments, wake. says:

    I’m cracking some jokes here today but I’m also upset about Fran being dug up. That really must have been awful for you, June. No disrespect intended. The thought of Fran being dug up has bothered me all day.

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  34. Hulk (I actually laughed at the thought of him by the bridge or whatever, waiting for the dogs. "C'mere, you little fuckers...") says:

    It bothered the neighbors too I hear, PJ. It was like 87 degrees and humid…

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  35. Hulk (I actually laughed at the thought of him by the bridge or whatever, waiting for the dogs. "C'mere, you little fuckers...") says:

    It bothered the neighbors too I hear, PJ. It was like 87 degrees and humid…

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  36. Hulk (I actually laughed at the thought of him by the bridge or whatever, waiting for the dogs. "C'mere, you little fuckers...") says:

    It bothered the neighbors too I hear, PJ. It was like 87 degrees and humid…

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  37. Hulk, that is EXACTLY what he is doing. To the dogs and to the people. June will certainly be sued by the people who run the Rainbow Bridge. We’d better hit the Tip Jar, and fast.

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  38. Tee, I’m with you about the intense mourning when burying a pet. My partner and I always go into a depression for days/weeks/months after we have to bury one of our pets.
    After the shock of having a pet unearthed two years ago, it does put a perspective on the pet’s life. My recue kitty Jefferson was full of piss and vinegar and even though he was under doctor’s care, we knew his life was not long. He packed the orneryness of nine lives into one short life, man he was a pistol. For some reason, after the shock of seeing our adorable yet naughty Jefferson unearthed, it became a fitting tribute. Our friends and family remember Jefferson the naughty kitty as having the last laugh.

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  39. When our kitties have passed, my husband has built a wooden ‘coffin’ for each of them and then we place them inside with their favorite toy or blanket. We bury them as deep as possible in our rocky soil and then we order a flat headstone with their name carved on it. The marble headstone place know us by name (or maybe by ‘those crazy people who buy headstones for their cats’ would be more likely). For some reason it gives us some peace to be able to mark their graves.

    Like

  40. When our kitties have passed, my husband has built a wooden ‘coffin’ for each of them and then we place them inside with their favorite toy or blanket. We bury them as deep as possible in our rocky soil and then we order a flat headstone with their name carved on it. The marble headstone place know us by name (or maybe by ‘those crazy people who buy headstones for their cats’ would be more likely). For some reason it gives us some peace to be able to mark their graves.

    Like

  41. When our kitties have passed, my husband has built a wooden ‘coffin’ for each of them and then we place them inside with their favorite toy or blanket. We bury them as deep as possible in our rocky soil and then we order a flat headstone with their name carved on it. The marble headstone place know us by name (or maybe by ‘those crazy people who buy headstones for their cats’ would be more likely). For some reason it gives us some peace to be able to mark their graves.

    Like

  42. I agree, it would certainly be disturbing. But I think in life you either laugh or you cry. Both are OK, really. We all deal differently. Hilarious has always suited me bettter than tragical.
    At my grandpa’s funeral, one of my cousins lost his grip on the casket on the way out of the church and the whole thing listed to one side. Every single person there heard Grandpa shift and go “thunk” against the side. Half of us were horrified. The other half… Fighting to keep a straight face.

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  43. Lisa and PJ, you’ve done it again. Just when I thought I was Francis rising from the grave, you both have killed me again.

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  44. Boy, I go away for a few days and wow…
    So sorry to hear about Francis but even after he was gone his cranky pants got some attention – very BBP-esque. And thank you for making a difficult situation for you an entertaining one for us (again).
    Roger Sterling looks like a short haired version of my long gone but beloved Garbanzo the Bean cat.

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  45. Boy, I go away for a few days and wow…
    So sorry to hear about Francis but even after he was gone his cranky pants got some attention – very BBP-esque. And thank you for making a difficult situation for you an entertaining one for us (again).
    Roger Sterling looks like a short haired version of my long gone but beloved Garbanzo the Bean cat.

    Like

  46. Boy, I go away for a few days and wow…
    So sorry to hear about Francis but even after he was gone his cranky pants got some attention – very BBP-esque. And thank you for making a difficult situation for you an entertaining one for us (again).
    Roger Sterling looks like a short haired version of my long gone but beloved Garbanzo the Bean cat.

    Like

  47. Oh my gosh. That just made me sob. It’s so hard to let go. My heart goes out to you. And, YAY, for new baby kitten and the other new baby kitten! That’s how I deal with things. Get at least one, and possibly two if it makes sense! Yay kitty mollies! Now I feel like a dork, but I’m sure you get it. Rest in peace Francis, you angry baby. We loved you but good!

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  48. oh pie people, you are vaguely repellent, all those mean jokes about poor old fran will make him turn over in his grave…wait….edsel has already done that.
    welcome roger 1/2 pound sterling, very nice to meet you! who is a cute kitty? http://www.markus-gattol.name/misc/mm/si/content/cute_kitten.jpg
    he is! and you are too!
    sigh, if june only knew that in a few years you are going to leave her for a secretary, 20 years younger than her and with perfect hair….
    amish annie, “to be full of piss and vinegar” was an idiom i have never heard before, i read it and thought: geez, amish people are disgusting, not even chinese people would eat that.
    now i know, thank you google, everyone can be smart!
    june, hilarious post!
    (if i had a signature line it would say: i wonder how people in the ’60s were able to drink so much booze,even the women… at lunchtime, in the office, everywhere! i can drink a lot, but that would kill me. or was it not like they show it in mad men?)

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  49. oh, and something i wanted to ask you all since thirtyeleven weeks: june has mentioned in one of her old posts that arthur is one of her favourite movies. i never saw it, probably because it was made 1 year before i was born…and then, later, i was more interested in my mom’s boobs and pooping and after that i somehow forgot to watch it.the thing is there is a remake now, and i want to know if someone has seen it? is it as good as the old one? should i watch it? or better the original movie? helen mirren is in it,can it be bad?
    i just realised that asking here makes no sense anyway cause nobody will read yesterday’s comments…
    (if i had a signature line it would say:damn, go read my last signature line!)

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  50. PJ who was still not given absolution for flushing a two inch fish even after she held a 36 hour cat-on-ice, with refreshments, wake. says:

    I saw you, matzekatze. Haven’t seen the new Arthur. Wasn’t the old Arthur’s best fan. Liked Being There lots better. Let us know.

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  51. Matze, we DO go back and check previous comments. I think you should see both movies and let us know which one you like better. Your reviews would be so entertaining! I am with you on the Helen makes it good theory.

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  52. thank you helpful pie people!
    pj, i will let you know….and ask francis to give you absolution….that is such a catholic thing…and he rose on the third day, the messiah of pets
    faith, i’m not really a russel brand fan, but neither am i an old movie fan…so i think i’ll start with the new one…ty
    letha, i’m glad you do 🙂 i will tell you what i think when i have seen it and what HRH helen was like!

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  53. Matze Ball, (A) go out and rent the original Arthur right now. Drop everything. (2) I love that you never heard of piss and vinegar. How awful that must be to hear for the first time. I am glad we can bring these disgusting phrases to your lexicon. (xiv) My father worked at an agency in the 60s and said it was pretty much like that.

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  54. I have not seen the Russel Brand remake, but always enjoy watching the original. Sir John Gielgud makes it definitely worth seeing.

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  55. I have not seen the Russel Brand remake, but always enjoy watching the original. Sir John Gielgud makes it definitely worth seeing.

    Like

  56. I have not seen the Russel Brand remake, but always enjoy watching the original. Sir John Gielgud makes it definitely worth seeing.

    Like

  57. thank you wise june! ++stop++ will watch old arthur tonight or tomorrow.++stop++
    awful? just a little ++stop++ not surprised since i know that possums grin when eating shit off a hairbrush ++stop++ amish people let horses pull their cars ++stop++ they would totally do the cat/piss/vinegar thing ++stop++
    off to plan my first ’60s-binge drinking party now ++stop++ will probably not survive ++stop++ will try to rise on the 3rd day ++stop++ invitations by telegram ++stop++ will stop now ++stop++

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  58. /www.youtube.com/watch?v=rkRIbUT6u7Q Never posted a link to comments before. Hope this worked. Do not confuse this with the ABBA song. If it doesn’t work look at Youtube, Liza Minnelli Money Money song.

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